Original subtitles

[WHISTLING]

Sweetie, could you please get that away from me?

'Cause of the nausea? I'm sorry. Okay...

How's it over here? All right?

No. Okay.

Good right here?

No good.

Standing here?

I just... I really can't. Okay.

Over here?

No.

I'll see you later.

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, darling, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Please don't do that. Oh, relax.

You're stealing. That is stealing.

You have to taste this. Ah, look at this.

It's like shopping with Thelma and Louise now.

Oh! I got the Tang.

Just please tell me, how do your parents subsist on this stuff?

Instant coffee, instant soup... [GASPS] Swiss Miss!

Remember when mom used to make this for us?

So the words "just add water" they find very appealing?

They're gonna be here for two days.

Let's feed them what they like.

Whatever they don't eat

we can put in the bomb shelter.

[EXCLAIMING] Oh, oh, oh...

Fat free.

This is how we ate it when Mom wasn't around.

Ugh. Oh, don't be a food snob.

Ugh. I'm not a snob.

I just don't like to eat like an astronaut.

If you need me, I'll be by the bottled water.

We could get something for you and poppy

to take to the Jet game.

Well, do they make a powdered beer?

Candy corn. He likes candy corn.

Grown man, he likes candy corn.

What tickets did you end up getting for your mom?

Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk.

I'm sorry. "Da noise? Da funk?"

That's right. "Da noise, da funk."

Yeah, right. I think maybe in your case it might be,

"The noise, the funk."

Title of the show is Da Noise, Da Funk.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Let's just agree there's noise and there's funk,

and at some point during the evening it's brought in.

I don't know if it's just late, or I'm getting older,

but I'm actually looking forward to seeing my parents.

I am, too.

Not that late.

What, I can't enjoy your parents?

You know, your father and I are up to three things we can talk about.

We got sports, politics, and recently we added the stock market.

'Course, after that there's a lull

that makes you wanna put your head through a wall.

They are so excited about their trip.

Why will they not tell us where they're going?

I don't know. They want to keep it a surprise for some reason.

Huh. You know what'd be a real surprise?

Like, Yemen.

I bet they're gonna go to the South of France.

My mother's always wanted to go.

France is good.

I hope we get to take a big, romantic trip like that.

So where would we go? Where would you wanna go?

I don't know. Kentucky?

Kentucky? That to you is the payoff of life?

Maybe. Puerto Rico?

Oh, man, how do you get out of bed in the morning?

I didn't do anything.

This was partially open already.

I thought it was a sample.

They're gonna be here any minute.

I know, I know. I'm almost done.

Okay, here's my father, Lake George, 1953.

A perfect reason why you don't wear sandals with socks.

Ow. Ow?

Mother jumper.

Mother jumper? I'm trying to give up swearing.

For the baby? Yes, for the baby.

You think the baby doesn't know what you mean

when you say "mother jumper"?

I thought all this was gonna be out of here by today.

It is. I just need a little more time.

How much? Just a couple of, like, six months.

I was hoping this could be the baby's space.

Here? No. No. This is perfect for all my storage.

Can't we put the baby somewhere else?

Where were you thinking? Under the sink?

Yeah. You know, just till it's three.

Can you at least put it into piles?

Yeah, look, perfect. Nice piles. [DOORBELL BUZZING]

Ow! Fu...

For crying out loud!

For the baby. Yes, for the baby. Coming!

All right, tell me again with your mother,

because I blew it last time.

When she says something is bad, that means it's good.

No, no, no. Good is bad. Good is bad.

Good is bad, like is loathe, love is hate.

When are you gonna get this?

I got it. So what is actually good?

Nobody knows.

Hi.

You made it. You made it.

We made it. We made it.

Hi. How was your drive in?

Oh, good. Good.

Oh.

Can I get you anything?

Are you thirsty at all?

Oh, am I.

"Am I." Yeah? So you are?

Yeah...

What'd she just say? No. Okay, all right,

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

Oh, hold it.

[BUZZING CONTINUES] That's poppy.

Hi. How's my girl?

Ah, my little girl.

Look at that beautiful little face. [GIGGLING]

Same little face as when she was 11 years old.

Am I right, Theresa? Same little face.

How you doing, Gus? Ah, yeah. Fine, fine, Paul.

Nice to see you. Take your coat? Yeah, who needs it?

You didn't by any chance, uh, buy some instant coffee?

Yes, I did! [THERESA GIGGLING]

We'll be right back.

So, Gus, how you doing?

Can't complain. Can't complain. You?

Good. Good. Work going well?

Work very well. Uh-huh.

Who do you like in the Super Bowl? Super Bowl, uh,

either Pittsburgh, or, uh...

Who's the ones with the big, uh...

Green Bay. Green Bay, yeah.

Stock market's doing well.

Stock market, hey, god bless.

Who'd you vote for? I don't wanna tell you.

All right. There it is.

So, uh...

So, uh, so, uh, so tell us about this big trip you're taking.

Where you going? I guessed the South of France.

Uh, guess again.

Huh, I got it. Greek Isles.

Guess again.

Uh...

I don't know, African safari?

Guess again.

PAUL: Wow. An RV?

Come on in and tell me how you like it.

Ah, it's really nice.

Yeah, it's really, really nice.

This little puppy is gonna take us

all over the United States.

We're gonna stop at every campsite

between here and Saskatchewan.

Saskatchewan. Really?

It gets dark at 11:00 in the morning.

Now, how long is that gonna take you?

Oh, two glorious months.

We're very excited.

Well, would you like a tour?

Sure. Yeah.

This is the kitchen.

This is the living room,

the bedroom, the dining room, and the den.

Well, should we all adjourn to the dining room? Yes.

Sure. Let's do that.

There's the table there behind you.

Take it easy with the table.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

The table goes in here.

The pole, put the pole in the hole in the floor.

Pole's in.

Don't strip the threads, now.

Don't break it, Theresa.

I'm only trying to help here.

Turn it. That's it.

You did it. All right, sit. I'm sitting.

All right, I'm sitting, too.

No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Don't worry about that. That's the way to do it.

I'll get that with the sponge later.

[GUS LAUGHING]

[TIMER DINGING] Dinner!

THERESA: I'm sorry it's such a tight little squeeze.

No, it's fine. It's fine. [TIMER DINGING]

Oh!

Dinging, dinging. It's dinging.

Yes. You know,

it's just a blessing about this broiler.

Fact that it only fits one steak at a time.

That way, the meal stays hot from beginning to end.

The mashed potatoes? Oh, they're under the table.

Oh, and... I got them.

If anybody wants some rolls,

I have them warming here under the map light.

Theresa, darling, sit down and enjoy your meal.

Mom, sit down.

All right, all right.

Everybody's happy now.

[TIMER DINGING] The carrots.

Mom, I don't think there's gonna be room. That's what you think.

Now watch this. Show them, Theresa.

Oh. All right.

Paul, you take the butter and the sour cream,

and you put it up there on the shelf above your head.

Darling, you take the wine bottle

and squeeze it down there by the fire extinguisher.

All right, now everybody put their coleslaw bowls

in their laps...

And if anybody wants the salt and pepper,

they're in the sink.

Ta-da.

Ooh, I hate to do this to you.

Oh, what, darling? Want some ketchup?

No. I, believe it or not,

I actually have to get up and use the, uh...

Are you kidding me? Sorry.

Um, all right, I'm sure I can climb out.

I did it last time. Wait, wait, darling,

I think I might have a better idea. Um...

All right, everybody slide your mashed potatoes

over to the side of your plates.

Now, put your glasses

in the place where the mashed potatoes were on your plate.

Now hold your plates above your heads.

I'll steady all of this.

Now, Gus, you lift up the table,

and Paul, you crawl under the table.

Who's gonna hold the plate over my head

if I have to crawl... Here. I will. I will.

PAUL: You know what, everybody? It's okay. It's okay.

False alarm.

False alarm.

You sure?

Yeah, it's okay. Really. I don't have to get up.

Ah. Well, I'm sorry, Paul.

I apologize.

I think a person ought to be able to get up

and go to the bathroom like a person.

It's okay, really. It's not a problem.

In the army, we were taught to hold it.

Yes, well, this is peacetime.

But it builds character holding it in.

It doesn't build character.

It builds an obstruction in your urinary tract.

No, it does not. The boy has to pee.

That's okay. I really don't. I really don't.

Yes, you do. No, he doesn't.

He really doesn't. THERESA: He really does.

The boy stays here.

Then the boy pees in his pants.

No, he doesn't.

You have to pee in your pants

in this godforsaken box.

That's ridiculous.

That's it. We should all be wearing diapers.

We don't need diapers in this unit.

It's state-of-the-art.

It's a nightmare.

This is a nightmare!

[TIMER DINGING]

Who wants the first Jell-O?

PAUL: Oh, that was weird.

Oh, it was not weird. That was just horrible.

It wasn't horrible.

To erase that from my memory,

I would gladly give up a finger or something.

I would lose the pinkie of my left hand

to have never witnessed that.

Thank you. I get it.

You're saying that's no big deal? It was no big deal.

Excuse me, that explosion of anger,

that was nothing?

Who knows my parents better, me or you?

Okay, you. [DOORBELL BUZZING]

Okay, and I'm telling you

that twice a year for two seconds they have an argument.

It passes, and that's it.

All right, so good. You know your parents.

I'm leaving your father.

Listen, mom, you're going right back downstairs.

Come on, this is ridiculous.

I am not going right back downstairs.

I told you, your father and I are done.

You're not done.

You don't end a 37-year marriage

because of a vacation.

[SCOFFS] This trip was just the final straw.

This has been brewing ever since the electric can-opener incident.

The electric can-opener incident was in 1971.

Fine. Fine.

Paul, do you know of a good hotel in this neighborhood?

You know, uh...

Uh, I don't recall.

You slept in my house for 18 years.

All right, all right, oh, my god. All right.

You can stay here tonight, but first thing tomorrow you've gotta go...

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take a long, hot bath

in a real bathroom.

Okay, see, I still haven't peed.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know... There's nothing much you can do.

She's left your father. She hasn't left my father.

Okay, maybe I'm just going off of her sentence,

"I've left your father."

THERESA: Your mildew is in such interesting patterns.

Oh, it's bad, so she saying it's good.

I get it. No, I get it now. All right.

So you're going to the game tomorrow. You...

We're still gonna go to the game? You're going to the game.

You talk to him. I'll talk to her.

Afterwards we'll bring them both back here.

They'll sit down and they'll discuss it.

Ten minutes, it'll be solved.

You think that's gonna actually work?

They're acting like children. We'll treat them like children.

Good. So our parents are our children.

Our children will be our children.

Which makes me my own grandfather.

Do you think the Jets are gonna win one game?

Well, it ain't gonna be this one.

Did you see what that guy Perot said?

Oh, yeah. I read that.

Nutcase. Oh, Perot? [WHISTLES]

But IBM, huh?

Oh, IBM, yeah. Wow.

[ALL CHEERING]

You know, Gus, I'm sure you don't want to talk about this,

but last night the, the whole thing, I mean...

I just... No pressure, but if you want to talk about it,

I'd be more than happy to talk to you about that.

You're a nice kid.

Throw the ball.

Tequila, straight up.

Club soda, please.

Club soda? Have a drink, you freak.

I don't want a drink.

Well, I do. I'm nervous.

I mean, look,

my whole identity is based on Mom and Dad

being trapped in a loveless marriage.

If they break up and find happiness, well,

what happens to me?

They're not trapped in a loveless marriage, and they're not breaking up.

Are too. Are too.

She's been in there a long time.

Yeah. Probably weeping uncontrollably.

[LAUGHING] You're so right.

Well, it was lovely talking to you.

Look, here's my daughter's number.

That's where I'm staying temporarily,

and look, you call me and we'll hit that spinning class.

Mom, you are really weirding me out.

Well, get over it.

Hello. BOTH: Mom!

You're embarrassing us.

Look, this has gone far enough.

As soon as this play is over, we are marching back home.

You are gonna sit down and talk to Poppy

and work this thing out, and I don't want to hear another word about it.

No, I'm not, and you can't make me.

I don't want to overstep any bounds as a son-in-law here.

I just... I just want us...

Don't you think that after all...

I mean, don't you think that before you go on this trip without your wife

that it's worth trying to sit down

and talk to her one more time?

I don't think so. Fumble! Fumble.

[CROWD EXCLAIMING]

Come on, defense. Let's go, defense.

Think about it, think about all the years in there.

Look, you're a nice kid, sweet kid.

You're a lovely kid...

But you don't have all the answers.

How many years you married?

Five years. Oh, five years.

37 years.

Imagine for 37 years

trying to translate everything your wife is saying.

Why?

Because she talks in a code.

Well, I can't crack that code.

All I know is she's always unhappy,

and it's always my fault.

So now I want to take this nice little trip around the country

and if she wants to go, she can go.

But if she doesn't wanna go,

I'm gonna go by myself.

That's all there is. That's it.

Come on, tackle somebody.

Is he with you? No.

They're in the RV. They're saying good-bye.

Wow. I know.

What are they doing?

You don't split up after 37 years.

What is that?

Well, maybe you do if you're...

If you're really unhappy.

They're happy.

Okay.

They were happy. I'm sure they were.

No, no, honestly, they were.

They were like us. It's like they were meant to be.

I understand.

So what, so suddenly now,

not so much meant to be

as totally wrong for one other?

I don't know. You know, people change.

You know, things change.

Wow.

You base your life on a few simple principles.

Gravity, the earth revolves around the sun,

your parents should be together.

You know what, baby?

I think the two of them have been together so long...

That's what I'm gonna do.

What? I'm gonna tell them.

Tell them what? About the baby. Come downstairs with me.

No, I didn't say baby. I was calling you baby.

I didn't say baby.

They're not gonna split up

if they know I'm carrying their grandchild.

That would be in horrible taste.

First of all, we're not telling people yet.

These aren't people. These are my parents.

Okay, whatever. Two, do you want that

to be the reason they stay together?

If that's what it takes. They're making a mistake.

Maybe they are.

So, am I supposed to let that happen?

No. You tell them how you feel, but you've done that.

Anything more that, I don't think it's our place.

Just indulge me. Please.

Okay. Thank you.

Your father just left.

Oh, my god.

Here.

Oh, honey.

It's okay. It's okay.

No, it's not.

We said good-bye,

and it was nice,

and we said we'll talk again in a couple of months, and we'll see.

You know what I think you need?

A nice cup of Swiss Miss.

Okay.

As luck would have it,

we have some in the house.

Of course you do.

You know, that's why I think that someday

the two of you are gonna make terrific parents,

and I think I'll make an even greater grandmother

than I am a mother.

I can't wait.

Mom. Mmm?

Me, neither.

The Tums? Go to the overhead compartment.

No, no, not that one. The one next to the sun porch.

You know? Step up on the spare battery.

No, those are the flares. Yes, they are.

Yes, they are. Yeah.

Okay, now the Tums are next to the devilled ham.

Ice fishing? Really?

Sounds good.