Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah! ♪

No, Pop, it's not gonna disconnect the call.

It's a hold button. It holds the call.

Hence the name.

No, the switchhooks disconnects the call.

The switchhooks.

The... No, the two things in the... [DIAL TONE]

Middle.

All right, good. So he found the switchhooks.

You're going to be late for Dr. Joan again.

Explain to me how a man forgets how to use a telephone.

You're gonna start out late, so you're gonna shoot late,

so you're going to be late for Dr. Joan again.

I just think he's losing it.

My father is, like, officially losing it now.

Just so I understand, you don't give a rat's ass

about being late for Dr. Joan's, do you?

I do. You know I do.

You were late for the weighing and measurings. All right.

You were late for the pap smear.

Yes, but come on, not really so much for spectators, though.

Your child is growing up, and you're missing it.

Sweetie, he's growing. He's not growing up.

Are you gonna be like the father in Cat's in the Cradle?

What is that, the Harry Chapin song?

Yes. Just tell me. Are you? No!

You can only hear your baby's heartbeat

for the first time for the first time.

That I'm almost sure is true.

Look, I've done everything I could do.

I got the latest appointment in the day.

Just promise you won't be late.

I will not be late.

Ira and I, we're gonna pick up my pop,

we're gonna take him out to the old building,

we're gonna shoot him for a little while,

get a couple of decent takes out of him.

Come on, how long can that take? Six, 800 years max?

Just make sure you get it by 5:00.

Man, there's so many great memories in that building.

We used to have this doorway, and every couple of months,

my father would measure our heights

with, uh, like, a little pocket knife. Mmm-hmm.

See you at 5:00. 5:00.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello? There he is, Pop-o-mine.

All right, here's what we're gonna do, Pop.

Ira and I will collect you at 10:30,

and then, we'll... Oop, you're beeping.

No. You're beeping. You got a call waiting.

So, you press the switchhooks.

The switchhooks.

The switchhooks. The two... Come on, you like the switchhooks.

The switch... Okay, but don't hold it down.

'Cause if you hold it down, then you'll... [DIAL TONE]

Oh, man.

Is he here yet? Not yet. Is there anything else you can do?

Well, I've seen all my patients,

finished all my correspondence,

alphabetized my files. I'm thinking of taking up painting.

I'm sorry. I'm going to kill him.

Yeah, but then you couldn't yell at him,

what with him being dead and all.

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Did I miss it? I hope I didn't miss it.

You're late! You're a half an hour late! Hi, Paul.

Hi. Did I miss it? You didn't miss it.

Okay, good.

Our little baby's heartbeat.

I am late though.

Duh. I know.

As long as I didn't miss it.

Forget about me! What about Joan?

This is so unfair to her!

It's okay. No, it's not.

I'm really sorry. It's really okay.

All right, then forget about Joan.

Go back to thinking about me.

I begged you to be on time.

I am so sorry! I'm really sorry!

But I have a great excuse. I really do.

Really? What? [SIGHS]

Do you have a minute? At this point, yes.

Okay, all right.

'Cause you are not gonna believe the day I had.

Ira and I, we go to pick up my father, right?

We get into the cab,

right away it starts.

345-45 Pelham Parkway, please.

435-45.

What?

Our old building is 435-45 Pelham Parkway.

It wasn't 435-45.

It was 345-45.

435-45 was the bakery.

No, no, no. 545-45 was the bakery.

345-45 was Kelton's Ice Skating Rink.

435-45 was the old building.

545-45 was Stella D'oro.

545-54 was Stella D'oro.

It was? Yeah.

Then where was Tito's?

There was no Tito's. Tito's came later after White Castle closed.

Really? Yeah.

Can I go now? Yeah. Please.

Oh, oh, yeah, but what you want to do

is take the East River Drive to Willis Avenue Bridge.

It's the FDR Drive. What?

It's the...

It's the FDR Drive, not the East River Drive.

It hasn't been called the East River Drive for a long time now.

Since when?

Since, roughly, FDR.

We should have taken the subway at this rate.

Hey, you do not want to take the subway down to this neighborhood

anymore, believe me.

Relax, will you? It's Pelham Parkway.

It's not the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

It was 635-45!

What? What was 635-45?

The post office.

No, no, the post office was 735-45.

Oh, my God. Somebody get me a gun.

PAUL: It was 735-45.

BURT: 445-45...

An annoying cab ride? This is why you're late?

There's more. We really expected more from you.

Then let me finish. We gotta let him finish.

This is okay with you?

At this point, yes. You were saying?

Okay, so we get there,

and I'm looking at all these buildings,

and I swear to God, they all look exactly the same.

And Akiba, this new cameraman, who already I hate...

JAMIE: This is the one that calls you Hitchcock? PAUL: Yeah.

PAUL: Right. So he says...

Hitchcock has chosen?

Not sure, Akiba, okay? Just give me a second.

I'm telling you, it's that one with the wrought iron railing.

I know, Pop, but this has wrought iron railing, too.

So does this one.

how me a building that doesn't have wrought iron railing.

All right, all right, but, uh, our building has a stoop.

Again, Pop, they all have stoops.

Are you telling me I don't know the building I lived in?

I'm not telling you, I'm just asking you.

BURT: What do you know? You were 7-years-old.

I know, but I think I know where I lived.

BURT: Where? I don't know. I'm not sure.

Hitchcock maybe wants us to, uh, knock on every door in neighborhood?

Hitchcock would just like a minute to think, okay, Akiba?

Thank you.

PAUL: And I want to just clock this guy,

but you can't get him mad at you because, A

he's the cameraman and you need him,

and two, because he can field-strip an uzi.

And then it hits me...

This is it. What? This one?

Right here. That's what I said!

You said with the wrought iron railing. So?

So? Can I tell a story like a person?

Well... I'm trying to give you color.

You know, there's an arc, there's a structure.

All right, all right, but I don't get it.

This is how she is when we go to the movies.

So far, I don't see anything.

You're gonna see. You're gonna see.

[STRAINED] Go on. Okay...

So we go down the hallway, and I realize we got another problem.

They moved the walls!

They didn't move the walls.

Then what did they do? They didn't do anything.

[STAMMERS] We took the stairs instead of the elevator.

Then it's this way. No, it's this way.

No, no. It's this way.

The first door on your left.

If you came up the elevator,

it would be the first door on your left,

but we came up the stairs so it's the first door on your left this way.

Your left or my left?

We're facing the same way.

Hey, look, what's the apartment number?

4-D! No, it's not. It's 4-E.

4-E? Yeah.

4-D! "D" as in David.

Okay. It's "E." 4-E.

It's 4-E as in Edward.

Who names an apartment Edward?

I think Papa's right.

Hey, maybe it's 4-C. No, D! D!

It's 4-E. E... E... "E," as in everybody just calm down, okay?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

MAN: Hello?

Hello? MAN: Hello?

Hello?

MAN: Is somebody there? Hi. Yes. Um,

my name is Paul Buchman.

I used to live in your apartment.

MAN: Is this about the olives?

The what?

You left a can of olives.

No. No, not about the olives.

MAN: 'Cause I ate them. They're not here anymore.

It's okay. We're not here about the olives.

Which one of you was talking?

Hi. That was me. I'm Paul Buchman,

and this is my father Burt Buchman.

My cousin Ira. And these are friends of mine.

How you doin'? BURT: Hello.

Oh...

I'm Osofsky. [MUTTERING]

Nice to meet you, Mr. Osofsky...

No! Just Osofsky!

What was that? Not Mr. Osofsky! Just Osofsky, all right!

I don't like "mister."

I don't like "master." Or "sir."

If I lived in Spain, I would equally dislike senor.

Okay, okay.

I don't like monikers as a general rule. They alienate.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no need for them here.

None. None.

Okay, no more. Thank you.

No "Mister," all right?

Um...

Uh... Osofsky,

what, um...

What we're doing, we're making a film

about my family and their experience in America.

The film is called Buchman. [STAMMERS] Ah! That's nice.

That's a good idea. Buchman.

Oh, thank you. No "mister."

No, sir. No.

No. No. Exactly.

Yes. That, you see, that is a good idea!

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

I would go to a film like that.

Well, I would certainly hope that you would.

I find myself disappointed with many films,

but that one I think would be very good.

Well, isn't that nice? Thank you very much. Maybe you could help us out.

I'll do my best.

We, um...

Osofsky... Yes?

What we...

What we would like to do is,

we would like to come in and just film,

with your permission, of course,

a very brief walking tour of your apartment.

Just a minute. Sure.

[CRASHING] [GROWLING]

OSOFSKY: Sit! Sit!

[GROWLING] Sit!

[GROWLING STOPS]

Please, come in.

Uh, fellas? Thanks a lot.

Hey, um, watch it!

And... And watch your feet!

You'll scuff! Don't scuff!

I don't scuff.

And they were never heard from again.

I'm sorry it's a little bit of a mess in there,

but I know where everything is.

That's fine. Not a problem.

Akiba, you know, why don't you set up here in the entryway.

And then we'll pull back and find my dad in the doorway talking and...

So, Dad, I need you to...

Where'd he go? Dad? Hey, Pop?

Hey, Pop? Where did he go?

JAMIE: You lost him?

Lost my father!

You lost your father?

Lost my father!

He lost his father.

Shall I stop?

No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Oh, this is great. This is just great. What?

My mother's gonna kill me, I lose my father.

Would you just relax, please?

Relax? My father's out there,

he's wandering around somewhere.

So what? He'll wander back.

No. See, the mind is the first thing to go.

It's like what happened with Marty Lembeck's father. What?

You didn't hear? He went out to get a haircut,

and then two weeks later they found him

selling pocket combs at Grand Central.

Jeez. Well, look, all right, look,

we got a white male on foot,

maximum speed eight miles an hour, right?

Times 15 minutes?

We do a six block, hard-target search.

We check every bathhouse, henhouse, boathouse, and outhouse.

It's The Fugitive. I understand. Are you done?

Yeah. All right. Good. You go that way.

I'm going this way.

What are you doing? I don't think we should split up.

Why not? Because they do that in the movies,

ten minutes later somebody winds up with an ax in their head.

What, did you just get HBO or something? I'm just saying.

What, are you scared?

Hey, hey, look, I have no idea where I am,

it's gonna get dark, it's cold.

I think those are legitimate grounds for fear.

It's not the woods, you know?

There's lights. You have a coat.

Still... Meanwhile, while we're debating this,

my father could be...

Could be what? Whatever. Who knows?

What are you thinking? I don't even want to think about it.

Wait a minute! Paulie, realistically, you think he's dead?

What are you talking about? No, I'm curious.

Do you actually think this man is dead?

Shut up! No! Of course not!

Course not!

You know what I think? I think he probably just took a stroll.

You know what? That's probably all that happened.

He took a little stroll. Little stroll. Little stroll.

Took a little stroll down the block. Little stroll.

Yeah. Down one of those dark, abandoned blocks

where they can't hear you scream.

All right, what is the matter with you? I'm a little scared.

Go that way!

IRA: Uncle Burt?

PAUL: Pop?

[HORNS HONKING]

[NEWSCASTER ON TV TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

IRWIN: Burt! Irwin!

[BELL RINGS] IRWIN: How are you? Hey, Paulie.

Uh, my wife needs [WHISPERS] tampons.

And while you're at it, a pack of Chesterfields.

What size? King.

No, the tampons. I don't know. What size you got?

Get regular. Trust me.

Dad, can I have some candy?

No. Gum?

No, no, no. No sweets. You'll spoil your appetite for dinner.

Just one piece.

What did I say?

For later? Ah, ah, ah, ah!

All right...

But it's the five-pack of Bazooka Gum!

"A," it's a really good deal, and two, it'll last a long time.

You don't need any more gum. You got Chiclets upstairs.

I've already spent a fortune on the dentist.

He got his mother's teeth.

Dad, please?

Hey, what did I tell you? Why not?

You know why not?

'Cause I'm your father, okay?

Okay, come on, we should go home.

Your mother's making pot roast.

You like pot roast.

Eh, not so much.

Not so much? [LAUGHS]

[NEWSCASTER ON TV TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

PAUL: Hi. Hey.

Excuse me... Yeah?

Did, uh, an older guy,

sturdy fella, gray hair, happen to walk in here? White?

Yeah. No.

You're the first white person to walk in today.

Are you sure? Positive.

Could he have come in here maybe and you didn't notice him?

I would have noticed.

Now, why are you looking for this guy? He's my father.

He wandered off somehow.

Your father? PAUL: Yeah.

You lost your father?

Yeah.

Man!

I'm not proud of it.

Ah, he'll turn up.

Yeah? You think so? Yeah-huh.

[TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] Of course.

[GASPS]

You want something?

Uh, no. I just

noticed you still carry these five-packs of Bazooka.

Boy, I didn't even know they made those anymore.

Yeah. Very popular.

You know, retro.

In 1964, I came in here with my father,

and he had his back turned, and I actually...

I swiped one of these. I just shoplifted it right there.

Boy, you sound like a real prize.

You know what?

I want to pay you back for that.

It's gum.

I know, but you know what?

I would like to pay you for it.

No. Why not?

It's weird.

I think it would make me feel... All right!

Now, let's see, you got a 5-pack of Bazooka...

1964, five cents, 30 years...

$4,000.

What was it?

Oh, there you are! I thought I lost you too!

Any luck? No.

I don't like this, Paulie.

All right. All right. You know what? Let's go. Thank you very much.

Modern technology has changed the way we...

Hey, did my dad show up? Sadly, no.

[SIGHS] Can I use your phone?

I need to call my mother. Maybe... Maybe he went home.

This is my favorite video. [TROPICAL GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

PAUL: Hey, Ma, hi, it's me.

Everything's fine. Um, listen, just curious...

Did... Did Dad call?

No... Yeah, he's with me. It's just that he said he was gonna call you

so I just wanted to make sure he did.

Yeah. Oh, he's right here.

I... Put him on?

Okay. Hold on a second.

Hey, Pop?

[DEEP VOICE] Yes?

It's, uh... It's Mom for you.

Yes?

What, you can't talk to her now? I'm busy!

Yeah, he can't talk to you now. He's busy.

Busy! She heard you.

Okay.

[STAMMERING] Okay. He can't 'cause he's busy...

He's doing... We're rehearsing.

'Cause he...Yeah. Okay. You know what?

I got to, uh... [MUTTERING]

Coming! Okay, I gotta go.

I gotta go. Okay, bye.

What's the matter with you?

Where is he? So, where is he now? It's getting dark out.

Hey, what... What happened to the park?

What park? The park. Herman Badillo Park.

Don't tell me they paved over it.

That's on the south side of the building.

What do you mean, south side?

You know, you come out of the elevator, you hang a left.

It's the south side. All right.

[LAUGHTER]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Pop!

Oh, boy. Look who's here.

Have you been sitting here the whole time?

Here? Oh, you mean here in our old apartment?

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Let me just say...

This is little Paul?

Well, this is him. Not so little.

Hey, Paul. Maybe you don't remember me.

Artie Zeitlin.

We moved into this apartment when you moved out.

You used to live downstairs.

He's got some good memory, this kid of yours, huh?

About certain things.

Hey, listen, this is a reunion.

I'm gonna get my camera, okay?

Sure.

[SIGHS]

Okay, Pop,

let me just say, you were absolutely right,

and I was absolutely wrong,

and, uh, I'm sorry. I apologize.

Oh, you think I lost my mind?

Snapped? Gone completely whack-a-ding-hoy?

No, I don't think that. I don't think that you've snapped.

Wait a minute! Maybe you're right.

What?

Oh, who are you? Okay. Okay.

All right. Are you not Paul my son?

Oh, you're not the cocker spaniel.

Yeah, okay, Dad. Rusty?

Rusty! All right. All right.

You made your point, Pop.

Don't you think I know which one

is the hold button and which one is the switchhooks?

I know... I thought you did. I knew that.

I was just done talking to you, that's all.

Which... Which I know now. I understand.

ARTIE: Where the hell is the damn camera?

Oh, come here! Look. Look at this! Look at this!

Remember the growth door?

Oh, my God.

Sure. Look at this!

Somehow between third grade and fourth grade, I actually shrunk.

[STAMMERS] I think after the fourth grade, I stopped measuring.

How come?

Oh, I don't know. I got busy,

and you were always running someplace.

It's hard to measure a person when they're running.

Here! Come on, come on! Here!

Stand here. What are you doing?

Just stand there. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm... I'm taking a measurement!

Dad, put that away.

You're hacking up somebody else's wall now.

Look. Come on. Come on. Just stand over here.

Put the key away, Pop. Come on. No.

Just behave yourself, all right? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Let me tell you something.

I appreciate everything you do for me.

Believe me, it hasn't gone unnoticed...

How you take care of me, how you keep me out of trouble.

Let me remind you of one fact

that'll be true forever no matter how stupid I get.

I'm still your father, huh?

Come on. Here.

Let me stand against the wall.

[LAUGHS] That a boy!

There!

Boy, you had quite a spurt!

Well, between 10 and 39, I really shot up.

Yeah.

Look...

Look how much I missed.

That's okay. No, it isn't.

Every inch counts.

When you have your kid, you're gonna be a much better measurer.

What do you mean? What kid are you talking about?

I don't know. Aren't you gonna have a kid, don't you think?

Uh... Someday. Yeah! Yeah!

And I can tell you this, your mother's counting on it.

No, I know that. You know what I just realized?

I gotta... I gotta... I gotta be...

If I leave now, can you get... Get yourself home okay?

Well... I don't know.

I don't know where I live. All right.

Are we still in Romania?

Okay, Pop.

[LAUGHS] Point taken.

All right.

All right.

By the way, the cabs, they're yellow,

they have the lights on top...

Get outta here!

That was good. Huh?

I have to admit it.

I hate to admit it, that was very good.

You see what I'm saying?

Good excuse!

Yeah, and all true. Not an iota of embellishment.

It didn't need it. So will you forgive me?

Oh, I do. I do. Me, too.

And I apologize to you, little person.

Even though you weren't going anywhere.

What is this? What?

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

I did it again.

Ha! You stole this?

Should I call the police?

That's twice in one lifetime.

Wow. Know what? Know what the thing is?

I'm no damn good is the problem.

I didn't even know they made this anymore.

Am I allowed to have this?

I'm not your dentist. Cool.

All right. So, are we ready to do this?

Yes, please. Yes, yes, yes.

All right, lie back. Put this over your pants.

You ever heard a baby's heartbeat before?

Never. It's pretty wonderful.

Why am I nervous?

Me, too. I am.

Nothing to worry about.

Here you go.

Okay...

[CLICKS]

[STATIC]

Where are you, little rascal?

Come on...

Hey, come on, now.

Honey, talk to the baby.

Hey, little baby, come on.

Let's hear that heartbeat.

Don't be shy.

Hey, you have to do this.

You know why?

'Cause I'm your father.

[RAPID HEARTBEATS]

And there it is.

[GURGLING] Hey, hey!

Oh, that's... That's a Milky Way bar I had before.

[SLOSHING]

Soup.

[WHINING]

Something I had in high school. Couldn't tell you.

[INDISTINCT RADIO NOISES]

Wow! Luis Aparicio rounding third.

[GROWLING]

I don't know.