Original subtitles

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, darling, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Okay. The baby loves James Taylor,

loves Bonnie Raitt,

not so sure about Sinatra.

Which Sinatra did you play?

This one.

Live at the Sands? Yeah.

You played this for the baby?

Yeah. So?

You don't play Sinatra at the Sandsfor a fetus.

Everybody knows that.

Why?

Because it's Live at the Sands.

It's loud and brassy.

Plus, Las Vegas. You know, it's smoky. It's gambling.

Baby doesn't need that.

Tell you what was a big hit,

the soundtrack to Guys and Dolls.

Really? Yup.

See? Her daddy loves showtunes.

I thought she ought to know.

Well, thank you.

Did you play him your Hungarian chants?

Bulgarian. Whatever.

Yes. And?

Loved it.

Really? Yes.

How do you know? Because I'm the mommy.

I can tell.

Bulgarian chants and Sinatra.

I want the baby to know who we are.

How much do you think a baby could know?

A lot. Everything.

What is this baby?

It's a combination of you and me. Everything we are,

everything we've been through, right in there.

Is that true?

I believe it is.

Yeah? Hey, you think that's true?

Little baby?

Is that true?

What do you know?

[LAUGHS] Honey, that tickles.

[LAUGHS] Honey.

How much do you know, huh?

Huh?

Honey?

Honey... Honey! Honey, honey!

Honey. Sweetie.

Honey, could you take this?

I'm sorry. Did you just call me honey?

No.

PAUL: Honey, I'm home!

JAMIE: I noticed.

How do you like being married, huh?

Isn't it great?

Ow.

Oh, you're married? Yeah. Almost three years.

We thought we were gonna, but we're not,

but it doesn't mean we won't. We will. Just not tonight.

Makes sense. Really?

What's she like?

My wife?

Name is Buchman, Jamie Buchman, all right?

Sounds perfect.

Actually, no.

Are you guys fighting? JAMIE: We're not fighting.

Trust me, you are.

It's just how we live.

Nobody's right, and nobody's wrong.

Listen to me. No.

I'm a little bit more right, but that's not...

Can't believe you didn't trust me. You lied.

But if you're not going to trust me what's the sense in lying?

Because it's wrong. How is this wrong?

We're adults. All right. I know.

What do you want to do? Do you want to yell at me?

You want to kill me? You want to divorce me? What?

Keep going. Keep going.

What the hell is the matter with you? What?

Shh! [SHUSHING EXCESSIVELY]

I think we've been going at this half-assed.

What does that mean?

It means I think we should be going at it whole-assed.

I let out this amazing scream.

I won! I won! I won!

Paul, of course, thought it was him.

Oh, God.

In five seconds we were done and I was able to stretch.

[SNORING]

Well, she's got good points, too.

There's my beautiful bride.

Yeah, bite me.

She gets so excited about things.

You know, she's genuinely surprised when we don't win the lottery.

The way she calls me on stuff when I'm making myself crazy.

Your job is to stop me from doing something idiotic.

Idiotic, I can do that by myself.

You're going to a wedding without pants? You bet.

Let 'em see who the best man really is.

Clams. Clamenza clams.

Clamenza clams. Hi, Clamenza.

[IMITATING DON CORLEONE] Clamenza, how about some clams?

Would you want more fun than this?

All right, one more.

Clamenza!

MAN: [ON TV] ...where you get the Larry plate,

the Moe plate, the Curly plate,

and as our gift to you,

the Shemp salad bowl.

No.

Jamie's sitting there. She looks...

You know, cute, like always.

What?

The light hit her face in a funny way,

and I never noticed that she looked like...

That she reminded me of the guy in The Silence of the Lambs.

[HISSING]

Sweetie? [BARKS]

How did this happen? I used to be out there all the time.

I frizzed my hair. I... I wore hats. I slept with artists.

Don't vomit in front of me. Know what happens if you vomit?

Ow. Ow.

[EXHALES]

What are you doing?

Are you letting your hair grow out?

No.

'Cause it's like... It's like harder or something.

I would like to punch you so hard.

Pardon me. Hmm?

I'll give you one million dollars to sleep with your wife.

Great. Great.

Let me ask you something... What happened?

Ooh, I think I heard something.

What?

What? What?

What? What?

What? What?

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[STAMMERS] Wow.

Wow. Oh, God.

Wow. Wow.

What?

Wow.

Wow.

"Wow"?

You're gonna say "wow"? You don't get to say "wow."

You're not entitled to a "wow" on this one. All right, I'm sorry.

Did you just kiss me?

No.

I love you.

This is what I'm trying to say.

What am I, stupid?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't... I don't get it.

I don't get it. What?

How? How?

No reason.

I... I... I got an idea. I got an idea.

Here's an idea. I've got an idea.

This was a big mistake.

You're so pathetic.

I was gonna say.

I'm shocked. I'm stunned.

I'm flummoxed.

You talk your way. I'll talk right.

I talk right.

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I... I... I see... Phew.

Told you, I had to... [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

I know, but, I... I... I... I... I... I... I...

[STAMMERS] A lot of... He didn't even...

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER] I didn't feel quite right

ever since I ate those steamed dumplings.

I had the dumplings. They were a little chewy.

Oh, can either one of us shut up for two minutes?

What did they think...

More.

Baby, I'm the greatest.

Okay, but can you pee standing up?

He's so cute.

A day at Barneys wouldn't kill him. I know.

I have a dream.

Oh, my goodness.

I have a dream, and it involves

the two of us in a beautiful house, nothing big.

You know, nice yard, maybe three-quarters of an acre. A house?

A house with us and our things

and little usses, you know, small usses.

Maybe three. You always wanted three, right?

Maybe. Ah, you know, maybe not three.

Because the middle kid is always screwed up.

What is the matter with you?

You are a strange, amazing man.

Okay, so I lied.

JAMIE: I wish that cabana boy

would rub some lotion on my back.

I'm not doing Pedro.

JAMIE: Who is it?

Si, senora, esta Pedro.

Should we start trying?

Now? From now on.

PAUL: Maybe. JAMIE: Really?

Are you sure? No, I'm not sure.

But we're gonna start trying? Yeah.

Oh, my God. What?

I'm the mommy.

You know what? This is too much pressure.

Seriously, I'm the mommy.

I know, listen, believe me...

I know it's not fair.

It's so not fair.

You know, if... If I could have the kid...

Don't even start. You'd have one cramp and kill yourself.

PAUL: Shut up.

MOTHER: We don't stare, sweetheart.

Whoa!

PAUL: Honey!

Hey, hey!

[HORN HONKS]

Hey! Whoa.

Hey!

Trust me. It gets so much worse than this.

Oh, God! [SCREAMING]

God, how could you do that?

Oh! Oh! Oh, God! God!

Honey, wake up.

What? What's the matter?

Hit me again. Oh, my God!

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes.

Yes.

What are you doing? Uh-huh. Just... I was chanting.

What were you chanting?

Oh... ♪ Oklahoma

♪ Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains ♪

♪ Music and passion are always the fashion

♪ At the Copa

♪ They fell in love ♪

♪ But sleep won't come

♪ The whole night through

Sing it, Paul, sing out. That's right, the whole night through.

♪ Your cheating heart

Your cheating heart. That's it, baby. Black heart.

♪ Will tell on you ♪

Gonna snitch right to the mama. Gonna go tell on you.

♪ O'er the land of the free ♪

♪ Eeee

♪ And the home

♪ Of the

♪ Brave ♪

See, I don't even think the baby can hear us.

Oh. What?

I think the baby just moved.

Come on, make the baby move again.

I can't. Why not?

"Why not." I don't have control over it.

Hey. Hey, baby.

Listen to me. Hey.

Hey.

Can you hear us? Hey.

Knock, knock.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Sweetie?

Sweetie?

Sweetie?

Sweetie, may I see you in the kitchen, please?

What? What is it now?

I just have to leave the window open for the dog.

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Hey! Hi.

Is this a bad time?

Won't take a minute. Is this a bad time?

Is this a bad time?

I don't know. It depends on what you want.

I hope this isn't a bad time.

We wanted you to be the first to know in person.

Is this a bad time?

No. No.

Hey, guess who's home.

Hey. Oh.

[BELL RINGS]

Okay, I'm here. Show me the changes.

You I like.

All I could think about was coming home to see you.

That is so sweet.

Surprise. You're here.

Surprise.

Marianne... Surprise.

Whoa! Oh!

I want you!

Guess what... JAMIE: Careful.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

I'm worried.

ALL: Happy anniversary!

Whoa.

A firm embrace.

Too much. Too much. Easy.

The peach is very intrusive, it will dominate the drink.

[COUGHING] I got like a little... A little...

[HACKING]

The flesh of the peach pulp is amazing.

It's... It's... It's like Hitler. It does what it wants.

[COUGHS] Now what?

Sweetie, you'll be back by 6:00?

Mmm-mmm... Oh, 'cause you got the thing tonight.

Mmm-hmm. Okay, so I'll see you later.

[MUMBLES]

Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

What, chocolate pudding?

Ow! What's the matter?

My tooth. I think I got a cavity.

Why don't you eat more cookies?

Have a cookie.

I smell turkey.

Noodles and...

Tomato sauce and...

[SOBBING] Cheese. Oh, Paul!

All right, shall we?

Whoa!

[BARKS]

Mmm.

Egypt makes beer?

What's that on your sweater?

Huh? It's Twinkie filling.

We have eggs and batteries.

Hey, do we still have bananas, or did you finish them?

Yes. "Yes," what? Yes, you finished them,

or, "Yes, we have no bananas"?

[SPOON CLINKS IN BOWL]

Hi. You guys want the usual?

Uh, sure. Why not?

Okay, and that would be what?

You got some very impressive credits here, seriously.

Is this all true?

A lot of it's true.

Some bread? Oh, no, thanks.

Did you know that in 10 ounces of meat two ounces are blood?

You know, Paul makes movies.

That's so funny. I work at a bank.

What are you doing? I was just sitting.

Where? Right here.

At your table. Where at my table?

In the chair. What chair?

This chair. Whose chair?

Your chair. A-ha.

Burt, could we have a little order here?

Burt, uh, you're blocking Regis.

Yes, Burt, blocking Regis. Oh, oh.

Look at you. You're on TV.

I'm on TV.

People never think I'm funny,

but I can be funny, too, you know?

I suppose that's true, that people have a certain image of you.

Mmm, what kind of image?

What do they have?

Uh, uh...

[SIGHS] Who knows...

You know, I suppose, you know, not...

Not that you were responsible

for breaking up the... Okay, honey.

Everything you do is just right.

That's what I think. Thank you.

You know, I'm so full, I could puke.

Shut up. Stand back,

'cause this is gonna be very spectacular.

ANNOUNCER: Something seems to be amiss.

Something is wrong.

The ball has stopped at three.

Oh, sure.

The one year I decide to stay home.

Whoa!

Oops.

[GARGLES]

[BOTH SPIT]

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Dennis. Oh, yeah, Dennis.

Oh, yeah, that's it. Right there, baby. Yeah, yeah.

Will you tell her what men think

when girls give in on the first date?

Yippee?

You do these things without thinking.

That's how I live.

I just close my eyes and I leap.

Yeah, well, I'm running all over town with a net.

Who's Annette?

[LAUGHING] Excuse me.

LISA: Oh, my God. You're the king.

Here I go. Wow. Ah!

That Lisa, she's so sweet.

Yeah, I guess she is.

You two are so different.

I'm turning off the lights in the kitchen.

You know, this is the first time

that you and I have been alone together,

I mean, without Paul around.

My God, can't you skip a night?

Do you want me to change the way I talk?

[GRUFF] Okay, I'll change the way I talk.

I'll take care of the kitchen.

See, this is why we turned out this way.

This is what I'm saying.

This is what I'm saying. I'm saying...

I think we're all saying the same thing.

What?

What's wrong with you? Hey, hey, hey!

What is the matter with you?

We're their glue-people.

He's up to something... Mark...

What is the matter with you?

What...

We hold them together,

our little circle of friends. That's our job.

Hey, Mark. How you doing?

How you doing? I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

You doing good? I'm fine. I'm good.

Good, good.

How'd we get that job? Because we're the least crazy.

Yeah, but by a little, by so little.

Where's the bra? I don't know.

Hey! I love you.

She's so...

[SOBS]

And he's so...

[LAUGHS]

Ira's picking up Fran,

and Fran's picking up Mark.

You guys having fun? Good.

How's it going?

'Cause I feel great. Feel my ass.

I wear these.

I think I spilled some paint on one of your shirts.

Ah, don't worry about it. It's Mark's.

What... What... What do you do?

Have fun.

You know what it's like to just have fun?

Why would you tell him that?

You know Paul, he's riddled with anxiety.

You just don't go tell him something like that.

You don't think the pants are a little too short?

No matter when I die, it's gonna piss me off.

You think the world is going to be a poorer place

because you have not produced an heir?

In my opinion, that is no reason to have kids.

It's just pure ego.

A child, Paulie, should be the product

of the natural, organic love between two committed people.

Now, please, can we watch the porno channel?

Go ahead. Paul. Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

You guys ever have a marriage that just fell to crap?

Yes. Yeah.

[THUDS]

Hey.

Hey. One more time.

Honey, it's a baby, not a dog.

What if you put a piece of kibble on your belly?

There's a good idea.

You know, 'cause kibble usually works.

Come on, baby, hey. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Murray, roll over.

Let's go.

Let's go.

This is new.

Murray! MAN: Yeah?

Murray the dog!

Murray the dog!

You know what I like about you, Murray?

You listen.

You... You pay attention.

[THUDDING IN DISTANCE]

Honey, you're slobbering.

[GROWLS] Sweetie, I don't want to.

Go put some clothes on.

[GROWLS]

He's a dog.

Yeah, well, he can't keep using that as an excuse.

His last bowel movement?

Monday. Monday.

Oh, can you believe this? Saturday.

I would like to loosely cup your dog's testicles.

[WHINES]

And this is what I'm saying to you, no.

I told you not to go in there.

[INAUDIBLE]

What? I hit my funny bone.

Ow. Ow. Walk it off.

Ba, ba, ba, ba. You go ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

I'm, uh, I'm thinking soup, but, uh...

They only have bisque.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, boom. Ba, ba, ba, ba, boom.

We are here to discuss the future, not the past.

Well, what... What was the point of the whole thing?

We had fun, didn't we?

[INAUDIBLE]

You got a beautiful wife?

Yeah. You love her?

PAUL: Sure.

Does she love you?

Yeah. You got more than three pairs of pants?

Yeah. There you go.

Where? To the future.

I'll mind the past, and you...

Giddy up to the future.

[SIGHS]

You wanna know how beautiful this baby would be?

Come here.

You know how they say every baby chooses its parents?

Mmm-hmm. Why do you think this baby chose us?

I don't know.

I mean, out of everyone on the whole planet,

this baby said, "I want them,

"in apartment 11-D."

Well...

It's a very interesting question.

To me... Oh.

Ooh. Hey, hey, hey. What's the difference?