Original subtitles

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

HERB ON TV: ...also, personally, myself,

I loved Lou Costello.

Your father hated him. Couldn't stand him. Loved Abbott.

Only person I ever met who loved Abbott and hated Costello.

PAUL ON TV: Really? Why was that?

Actually, there's a funny story.

Where's a funny story?

So far, nowhere.

I'm making a film about Buchmans

that Buchmans won't even wanna see.

It'll come together. It always does.

Aren't you shooting your parents today?

Yeah. That'll spice things up.

They're entertaining, aren't they?

Oh, they are wildly entertaining.

Wow, you look nice.

I do? You swear?

Hand to God, you look good.

Thank you.

[MURRAY BARKING]

Murray, calm down.

He's scared of that thing, that bibli, b...

Bibliotheque. Whatever it is.

[BARKING]

Look, honey, nice bibliotheque.

I think it's the word "bibliotheque" that he's scared of if we just,

if we just called it what it is, a spinning, wooden book thing...

[BARKING]

Hates that, too.

I like it. I think it's unique.

Unique is not the same as good.

You hate it?

Not to the point of barking at it,

but I don't love it.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter? What's today, the 15th?

Uh, okay.

We're supposed to see that therapist today.

What therapist? You remember that therapist?

We don't have a therapist.

When we were having troubles, and we thought we should see one,

Fran recommended one.

Oh, the therapist that Fran recommended.

When we were having trouble, and we thought we should see one?

Yeah.

Remember? No, she couldn't see us.

She couldn't see us right away.

We still made an appointment, and it's today at 10:00.

Call her and tell her we don't need her anymore. We're fine now.

Okay. You sure?

What? Well...

What, we're not fine? No, we're fine.

Didn't you say you felt that

we're closer than ever? Yes, I did.

So?

Okay.

It's really hard to get an appointment with her.

Yeah, but so what?

That's like, if somebody got me a great deal on a tractor.

Okay, plus it's right smack in the middle of the day.

Aren't you working? Yeah, and you're working.

That's exactly when I'm filming my parents.

All right, we'll cancel. Cancel.

She may make us pay for it anyway.

You know what? I'm canceling.

What I'm hoping is if this thing goes well with my parents,

I'd love them to be the centerpiece of the film.

If I get them talking about other relatives,

then I cut to interviews that I get with all the other relatives,

and my parents become the through line

for the whole... What's the matter?

Maybe we should go. Why?

I don't know.

We're happy, aren't we?

Yes. So?

What if we're happy for the wrong reasons?

[STUTTERS] I'll take that.

What if it's just because we're having a baby?

I'll take that.

What if the baby is just distracting us,

like the problems are still there,

growing and festering beneath the surface?

I'll take that.

I'm sure that's not what's happening. It's really not.

Wouldn't it be reassuring to hear that from a professional therapist?

You know what, sweetie, my feeling is if it ain't broke,

don't ask it about its childhood.

I really think we need to do this.

[SIGHS] Really?

So I'll call work and tell 'em I'll be late?

Okay. I will call my parents.

I'll tell them I'll be there late, too.

Thank you. I'm not telling them why, though.

God, no.

[BARKING]

Let me just understand this.

You and I, who are very happy,

we're gonna go see a shrink,

but a dog who's barking at furniture,

he gets to stay home and relax? Uh-huh.

All right.

So what brings you here?

Um, actually, nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

We are here literally for no reason.

So for those few weeks there, it was pretty rough.

THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.

But since then, we've been closer than ever.

Mmm-hmm.

It's like the whole thing made us appreciate what we have.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, at this moment, I gotta say,

it seems like you have a very easy job.

So, are we okay? Tell us we're okay.

Please tell her.

It's hard to say.

It's really not.

Can we try something?

Okay.

What I'd like you to do is to talk to each other,

each of you pretending to be the other person.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay. Boy, can I just tell you that's not something...

I know, I know. You'll feel a little self-conscious,

but just give it a try.

Okay. You go first.

You go first.

I did. That was me pretending to be you saying, "Go first."

All right. Jamie...

Yes, Paul?

This is incredibly silly.

It really is.

Okay, your turn.

Go ahead.

Okay. Don't rush me.

I'm you. Would you wanna be rushed? No.

All right.

Hey, Paul...

Yes, Jamie?

You were right. We didn't need to come here.

I feel... [EXHALES]

I feel... What do I feel?

I feel, I feel nothing in my right leg, I know that.

Can we try something else?

Sure. Okay.

I'd like you to try being totally honest with each other.

We're always honest. We really are.

Tell Jamie how you feel about her.

Good. Really good.

Tell her.

Jamie...

I feel good about you.

Be honest. What? I do. I feel good.

Is that all? Yeah.

Because if you keep your feelings inside,

you're not helping anyone.

Who's keeping? I'm not keeping.

How do you feel about Jamie right now? Totally honest.

[EXHALES]

Good. Really good.

Just good? Yeah.

Okay. Maybe with like the tiniest dollop of angry.

But mostly really good.

Angry?

Just like a sprinkle, a sprinkle of angry in a big bowl of good,

just for flavoring in there.

Angry about what?

Making me come to this when I got a movie to shoot,

but it's not a big deal.

Okay, Jamie, how do you feel about what Paul said?

Angry.

You went straight to the angry?

I gave you all that good right up front.

It's harder for me to get here than it is for you,

but I made time because it's important to us.

Jamie, instead of becoming defensive at conflict,

try making yourself vulnerable.

[SCOFFS]

Expose yourself. Take an emotional risk.

Most anger comes from fear.

Share your fears with him.

My fears, my fears, my fears.

I'm afraid of heights, and you're selfish

to put your job ahead of us.

First of all, not wanting to come here doesn't mean

that I don't care about the marr...

I care enormously about the marriage. You know that.

I just didn't wanna waste a whole half a day of shooting.

This is so typical. What?

Never mind. No, no, never mind. See what happens now?

If you're asking... Never mind. Never mind.

No, because you... What?

What did I do? I'm trying...

There's that tone.

There's no tone. Oh, I hear a tone.

What you're hearing is not tone.

Well, I'm hearing a tone.

Maybe you're tone-deaf. Maybe I am.

THERAPIST: Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm afraid our time is up.

I beg your pardon?

PAUL: Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna sit under the camera, I'm gonna say action,

and I want you guys to start with how you met, okay?

Talk about how you met, and the main thing is,

just relax, okay? Forget about the cameras.

Forget we're all here. Just be yourselves, all right?

Roll film.

We're speeding.

Okay. You ready?

And...

Action.

Which, as you know, means talk.

But the light's not on.

There's no light.

This is film. Video has light. Film-video, film, not the same thing...

All right. All right. All right.

Let's try it again. And, action.

Which I mentioned earlier means to talk.

BURT: About what?

About how you two met.

All right. Yeah. Uh...

A friend introduced us,

he asked me out,

and I said yes.

PAUL: And then what?

We went on a date.

PAUL: Okay. Where did you go?

To the movies. And dinner.

We went to dinner and the movies.

Okay. Good. Did, um, do you remember, uh,

do you remember anything, anything special,

anything interesting about that night?

No. No.

Any details or anything like that?

No. No.

Okay, cut.

All right, you know what?

I may have misled you when I said, "Be yourselves."

Forget it. I want you to perform,

but pretend like it's Broadway, it's opening night,

your own two-person show.

You're telling a story. Dazzle them.

I want you to dazzle them, all right?

So why didn't you say that the first time?

'Cause I'm an idiot. I don't know why. All right.

All right, roll film. All right.

CREW MEMBER: We're speeding. Here we go.

Plenty of energy, enthusiasm.

Pop, you ready? And, action.

A friend introduced us, he asked me out, and I said, "Yes."

I took her to the movies and dinner.

Dinner and the movies.

Okay. Cut.

So what was wrong with that, Mr. DeMille?

Nothing. You did terrific.

I'm just wondering if maybe we could do it

a little bit more terrific.

More terrific? How?

What are you saying? Nothing.

What do you mean? I can see by your face.

If there's something wrong, just tell me.

Okay. Well, let me be honest.

Yes. Absolutely.

Because you know, you keep your feelings inside,

you're not helping anybody. SYLVIA: Right.

My fear, okay? SYLVIA: Yeah.

My fear is that the two of you...

You may be coming off in an uninteresting way.

I see. We bore you.

No, no, no, no, no, you don't understand. You don't bore me,

but to the camera...

Did you hear that, Burt? We're not boring him,

we're just boring to everybody else.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

If we're so boring, why don't you shoot the couch?

It's got a very lively pattern.

Uh, Mom, that...

[DOOR CLOSES]

So, we're done?

TROY: Well, look who missed all the excitement.

I... I had an appointment that I couldn't get out of.

[GASPS] An appointment you couldn't get out of.

You had to have your roots done?

You didn't wanna miss cardio-funk?

♪ There's a bright golden haze on the meadow

♪ There's a bright golden haze on the meadow

♪ The corn is as high as an elephant's eye ♪

Lance, what's going on?

[LAUGHS] Well, it's kind of a funny story, actually.

I was giving my speech on health care to a group of schoolchildren,

and I thought it germane to mention some ways

I personally have benefited from modern medicine.

The example sprang to mind of how I've been helped

by Prozac, so... Oh, my God.

See? See what you missed?

I don't know what you two are so concerned about. I'm not worried at all.

Of course not 'cause you're on... Prozac?

I'm finding it very hard to get upset about this.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Um... Here's what we'll do.

I have a plan. The news is out, so, so we'll go with it.

If I might... You will explain that you take Prozac

to treat a very minor condition,

and that it isn't a big deal.

Why do you actually take it?

To control debilitating panic attacks.

Oh, good.

Not that anyone asked, but if it were up to me,

I would just merely admit that you were on Prozac ever so briefly,

a long, long time ago, and that you haven't taken it in years.

Also, I'd move that table that way, but that's for later.

Okay, that's ridiculous. That would never work.

That's completely absurd.

First of all, you'd have to give up Prozac.

Now, hold on, Jamie. Troy might be right.

You're gonna stop taking Prozac?

Yes, you see, the great thing about Prozac

is that being on it gives you the strength to get off of it.

Well, if I may say, as your campaign manager rather than your gopher,

I think it's a huge mistake.

Now, now, Jamie, a good idea is a good idea,

no matter where it comes from.

Look, Paul, why don't we just take off?

Listen, we're gonna get this on film.

Ma, let me, again, let me say I'm sorry.

It's not your fault I'm boring.

Maybe I should apologize to you

for making you listen to me.

Uh-uh, sonny, excuse me, you're gonna make a mess.

Ma, it was wrong of me to say that.

And I see that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Forgive...

Pop, you're not mad at me, are you?

He's furious.

Can I at least explain to you what happened?

Jamie and I went to therapy.

You went to therapy? We went one time.

You're in therapy?

I wouldn't say we're "in."

Oh, now I understand.

You do?

Everything's blamed on the mother,

and I am the mother.

No. No. Nobody's blaming you.

No. Listen, it's not my fault you were bottle-fed.

That's what they did in those days.

Who was saying anything about bottle feeding...

Listen, I am no worse than the other mothers.

What about Jerry Markowitz's mother?

She wouldn't even let him join the Cub Scouts.

She was afraid the kerchief would choke him.

Nobody, Ma... You happy now, Burt?

Me? Yes. Your daughter's gay, your son is a mental case.

Thank God, Sharon lives in New Jersey.

Ma, there's no reason, sit on the couch...

Apparently I was bottle-fed.

Lance?

Ahhh!

You have got to help me, Jamie.

I'm in over my head, and I cannot get out.

Help me, Jamie. Help me. Okay, okay.

[WHIMPERS]

I should not be going out, Jamie.

I am in no condition to go out.

Ever since I went off Prozac, I am at wit's end.

Okay. If I may say, you've only been off Prozac for 13 minutes.

It's possible it's your imagination.

No, no, no. I realize perfectly

that this is a psychosomatic disorder,

but the most salient aspect of psychosomatic disorders

is that knowing that they're psychosomatic

does nothing to ameliorate the terror they instill.

The New England Journal of Medicine...

Lance... Jamie, I'm talking!

Jamie, I think the best thing for Lance right now

is for you to stay out of his hair a little while.

Excuse me. That's all right.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Look, Troy...

I'm going to take an emotional risk.

I feel uncomfortable

with the expanded role you've taken in this campaign.

I feel you're not respecting my boundaries,

and if I may be honest,

my fear is you're making a play for my job,

which makes me feel hurt and frightened.

Can I be honest with you?

Sure.

I don't care.

Things have changed,

and you're gonna have to start treating me like an equal.

Equal? I'm a salaried campaign manager.

You're the coffee boy. Why don't you get me some Equal?

Okay, but Lance... No, no, no. I'm not having this conversation.

I'm running this campaign. You're getting the coffee.

All right, I'll get the coffee,

but no more running across the street for frozen yogurt.

Really?

All right.

TROY: I'm going on a yogurt run, people.

Lance...

You're going back on Prozac.

I am?

Wow, what a waste of a day.

Would you please look at the mess you made?

Ma, I can only say I'm sorry.

Let me run to the bathroom,

and we'll be out of your hair.

In two minutes, we'll be gone.

I don't know what he's so upset about.

We went to dinner and the movies.

Everybody goes to dinner and the movies.

There's nothing special about that.

Oh, yeah? Which restaurant?

Would you remember the name of the restaurant, Burt?

Emilio's.

Right. And we had pot roast.

That was a tender piece of meat.

Oh, please. It was marbled... It was marbled just like Michelangelo's David.

Do you remember that man who sat behind us? He was a gangster.

What was his name?

Oh, Frank Costello.

Yeah. He was alive then.

He walked over to our table and he said to me,

"You have a very beautiful young lady with you tonight."

Meaning me.

And then he said,

"Do you mind if I dance with her?"

And I says, as a matter of fact, I do.

And then, wait... Frank Costello patted the left side of his jacket

because he had a gun, and Burt reached for his belt,

and Costello thought he had a gun, too,

but, actually, he was just loosening his pants.

I had two desserts.

Can you imagine?

The so-called "King of the Mobsters" backed down.

He died two days later.

My husband, Paulie's father,

stood up to Lou Costello.

What was that? Who stood up to Lou Costello?

Frank Costello.

Frank Costello, the gangster?

It's no big deal to stand up to Lou Costello.

What's he gonna do, hit you with his hat?

You stoop up to Frank Costello?

Ah, look, look, now he's interested.

Wait. Did you get any of this?

We can get it now. Yes!

I don't... Why didn't you tell this to me?

What? I thought you knew.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

JAMIE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hi.

I called the therapist today

and told her we weren't coming back.

That's good.

Isn't it?

I guess. It was stupid to go, right?

Well, nah, it wasn't stupid.

You didn't know.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

What?

I didn't know?

It was your idea to go to therapy.

So you're saying it's my fault.

No. I did not use the word "fault."

Oh, but that's what you meant.

I wanted us to go to therapy.

I bought the bibliotheque.

I kissed Doug Berkus.

We never seem to mention

that you almost went home with some woman

whose name I never even asked you.

Wow. Where'd this all come from?

I'm not sure.

Want to talk about it?

At therapy?

Okay, so we'll go.

You sure? Yeah.

You know, obviously we have some problems,

not big problems, not a lot of problems, but it's, you know

it's not like, we're not without, not, no problems.

What?

We'll go to therapy. Okay.

'Cause you have problems,

therapy is the way you work 'em out.

[GROWLING]

Unless you're a dog, and then you just eat them.

[MURRAY BARKING]

Paul and Jamie Buchman-, session one.

Conservatively speaking, only five to 12 years for this couple.

Speaking of which, call broker, buy.

Paul seems defensive and frightened of his own feelings.

They appear to be very much in love,

but I sense repressed anger

which he seems happy to ignore.

She, on the other hand, has a vulnerable core

which is masked in a shark-like surface.

Major conflicts will arise,

but, uh, that's what keeps us in business.