Original subtitles

[MACARENA PLAYS]

You ready? One more time.

See? That's, that's where you lose me on it.

Honey.

I know, I know.

♪ It's a lovely day today

♪ So whatev... ♪

Honey! Come on. You don't wanna be late.

Okay, I'm up. I'm up.

Let's get you to work.

You wanna get Brockwell elected,

you gotta have a full, nutritious breakfast.

Let us not forget you are now eating for two.

And I may not get a chance to have lunch,

so you might be eating for three.

Hey! I'm up. I'm up.

Oh, look at you, you poor thing.

What are you, drunk?

Please.

Can I please have a cup of coffee?

No!

'Cause coffee does a pregnant body very bad.

Milk, on the other hand, does a pregnant body good.

All right. Now...

Ask me.

I really don't want to ask you.

Please ask me.

Got milk?

Yes!

Yes, I do!

Want some? Want some nice milk?

I do. I want a little bit poured into a cup of coffee!

Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm.

Honey, the baby, the baby.

The baby's tough. The baby can take it.

Come on! Buck up! I'm doing this with you.

I've been off coffee now since, 45 minutes.

Yeah.

I never felt better in my life.

Look at me. I can't move.

You know what... Don't lecture me.

Look, if you are this tired,

which is perfectly understandable,

I say to you once again, quit.

Just quit your job.

[YAWNING] I'm not gonna quit.

I don't know what you just said there.

[MUFFLED] I am not gonna quit.

Okay, so you're either agreeing with me,

or you're cursing me out.

I'm not going to quit.

Quit, quit. Okay, I thought you called me a big piece...

I like Lance Brockwell. I believe in him.

I think he's got a lot of great ideas.

Good ideas. Unfortunately you can't understand a thing he says.

Okay, granted he doesn't speak in sound bites.

Sound bites?

The guy talks in sound gulps,

sound seven-course meals,

sound all-you-can-hear buffets.

Proud of yourself right now?

That's it. Yeah.

Can I ask you where's your little friend

Doug Berkus in all this?

He's not pregnant. Let him work the big hours.

He's on an assignment in Albany.

Yeah? What's he trying to do, kiss the Governor's wife?

You know what? Last joke about that.

[DOOR BUZZES]

I smell coffee.

Well, now you're just a big nut.

Hey! Oh!

IRA: Hey!

Thank you. All right, just keep it away from her, would ya?

Me, me, me. No, no, no.

Me, me, me.

Hey, what's the matter with you? The woman wants coffee.

We're not drinking coffee anymore.

Why? 'Cause, you know, we've... It's a new thing.

We've made a couple of lifestyle changes.

Like what? Like we're not drinking coffee anymore.

IRA: What else? Also...

We've decided to become a bit more irritable.

Well, that's working.

The smell is killing me.

If you need me, I'll be in the bedroom, taking it out on Murray.

All right, sweetie. So, you'll feel better?

You know, Paulie, it's actually quite... Shut up.

Wait, wait. Careful. Hot! Wow!

Wow!

You know, you two got one weird marriage.

Okay, you saw nothing.

And if anybody asks, I'm still irritable.

Just let me ask you, how come suddenly you two are off coffee?

'Cause, you know, we're both getting older.

Plus, when Mrs. Olson died, you know, that threw us for a loop.

Guess who called this morning? Who?

Uncle Phil.

Uncle Phil called?

Yeah, he wants you and me

to take a ride out to see him today. He said it's very important.

What does he want?

I don't know.

He must want something. No, I asked, but he wouldn't tell me.

What do you think it is?

Paulie, I don't know.

Uncle Phil called? Yeah, Uncle Phil called.

I wonder what he wants.

Why don't we take a ride out to Brooklyn to see?

You're gonna ride all the way out to Brooklyn?

Yeah, a little ride. Oh, I can't.

Why not? 'Cause I got work.

I have till the end of this week

to figure out what movie I'm gonna make with this grant money.

You got any ideas?

I got a million ideas. So?

It's not the ideas, it's the sifting through the ideas.

The sifting? Yeah, I get ideas like that,

but it's the sifting. The sifting's what kills you.

So, sift in Brooklyn.

You can't sift in Brooklyn. Sure you can.

Ever tried to sift there? I've sifted there.

No, you didn't.

Not the good sifting. Hey, would you just come with me to Uncle Phil's?

Are my clothes on more or less in the right places?

You look beautiful.

I just so don't. You really do.

Listen, you just go and take care and have a good day.

I, I, I did. I couldn't... I'm a weak guy.

I'm very weak. I'm a weak man.

All right. I forgive you. Okay.

[GRUNTING]

Wow.

Bye, Ira.

Come here. Get outta here!

There's gotta be some reason Uncle Phil called us.

Hmm? Yeah, I know.

Hey.

Maybe he wants to put us in his will.

Mmm-hmm. Or take us out of his will.

You think he has a will? I don't know.

Oh, hey, maybe he needs a kidney.

He's not getting my kidney. Okay.

See, the problem is, a lot of these were good,

but they're dated now.

Apollo 14,the onethat went smoothly?

Yeah.

Condiments? Condiments?

Yeah.

Mustard, ketchup? Okay, forget it.

Uh, excuse me. Ain't this Kinko's?

I, I'm sorry.

No, it's Brockwell for Mayor headquarters.

You sure it ain't Kinko's?

I'm really sure it's Brockwell for Mayor headquarters.

What happened to Kinko's? I don't know.

Well, I need Kinko's. Where's the Kinko's?

I gotta get to a Kinko's.

I gotta ask you to stop saying Kinko's.

Let me call you back.

[THICK RUSSIAN ACCENT] Brockwell for Mayor.

Brockwell for Mayor!

Brockwell for Mayor!

[DIAL TONE]

Boy, this burns me up!

Boil that birdseed up. That's what I heard.

Coffee, Jamie.

Oh, boy. Um...

Thanks anyway, Troy. I'm actually trying to quit coffee.

It's good. It's very, very good.

Fresh brewed.

Yes, I understand. No, thank you.

It's Sumatra!

I don't want it.

Well! Pardon me for living!

It's on! It's on! All right.

REPORTER ON TV: Mr. Brockwell...

You think he'll stick to the text? He might.

He's not going to stick to the text. Okay.

...in an increasingly congested

urban environment.

Urban environment? City. City!

It seems to me that the entire system

is predicated on a false assertion.

In the cities of Mesopotamia...

Oh, my God.

Uh, New York's Times on phone.

What?

New York's Times on phone.

I, I, I...

On phone!

New York Timeson the phone! New York Timeson the phone!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's Bill Homan from the metro desk.

He's calling to clarify Brockwell's statement on drugs.

Clarify? Try translate.

Bill! Hi.

Drugs? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

You'll have to forgive me.

I have a splitting headache.

Let me just find the passage here.

No, no, I just quit coffee.

Huh! There's a drug nobody talks about.

The whole world's addicted to coffee.

People complain about Colombian drug lords?

How about Juan Valdez?

Crackhouses, no.

But a coffeehouse on every corner, there's a good idea.

You wanna do something about drugs,

start by banning coffee.

Print that?

No, no, no, you can't print that.

That's off the record. I can too say so after!

Yes, I am! I'm doing it right now!

It's off the record... It's off... Hello?

[DIAL TONE] Hello!

Oh, my God.

Ouch!

If the New York Times prints this,

all hell's gonna break loose.

I'm so stupid.

No, no, no, no. You're not stupid.

In fact...

[LAUGHS] This, this is rather humorous.

The word "stupid" actually comes from the Latin stupin...

Listen to me. Listen to me.

Listen to me.

Java Hut coffee is one of our biggest contributors.

If they pull their money, we're out of business.

Java. You know, this, this is interesting.

Ironically enough, Java an himself did not drink coffee.

[WHISPERING] I'm just, I'm gonna call Java Hut.

Did you ever see that documentary about the automat?

Yeah. That was good.

Wish I'd made that one.

It's not the will.

It's not organs.

I know.

Paulie, it's my birthday.

He's having a surprise party for me, isn't he?

Come on, you can tell me.

Yes. Yeah.

Uncle Phil's having a surprise party.

For you.

He's not, is he? No!

Good.

Whew. Okay. Horses.

Horses. Would you see a documentary about horses?

Depends. What would they be doing?

Whatever it is they do, you know.

You follow the life of a horse.

Through the years. You know, you start on a nice...

The baby horse, you know, the little one,

you start on the little legs shaking,

and over the years, as it gets bigger and grows,

and then it becomes...

It becomes, uh...

A horse.

No.

Man, I got nothin'.

[REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]

Ms. Buchman, is it true

you will be quoted in tomorrow's Timesas saying,

"Juan Valdez is a Colombian drug lord?"

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I think all of us at one time or another

have said something completely untrue

just to hear how it sounds.

So you're actually a coffee drinker?

Yes. I like coffee very much.

Great. Can we get a shot of you drinking coffee?

R-right now?

Yeah. Right now.

Drink a little coffee. Why not?

No reason.

Go ahead. Take a nice big swig for everyone.

Look at that. Yes, Jamie, please.

REPORTER: [WHISPERING] Let's get a picture.

Oh, you can do better than that.

Okay. Thank you for coming, everybody.

Uh, Ms. Buchman, have you ever tried to give up coffee?

Mmm-hmm. Was it difficult for you?

Mmm-mmm. Did you feel better off coffee?

Mmm...

If there are any other inquiries,

I'd be very happy to answer any...

Thank you. Thank you. Cut.

Jamie, that went well.

Mmm. By the way, good work.

See you back at the office.

You're hiding something.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm, yes, you are.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

I know you're hiding something.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Say your name.

Hmm?

Come on. Say your name.

Mmm...

Come on, I dare you, say your name.

Jamie Buchman, it's Jamie Buchman, all right? Happy?

[KNOCK ON THE DOOR]

Uncle Phil!

Hey, Uncle Phil! [SNIFFING]

Hey, Paulie, okay, all right,

name that smell.

I don't know. What is that?

Come on. Old Spice and onion rolls.

That's exactly...

♪ Lovely day today, so... ♪

Ira! Ira.

Ira! Ira.

Uncle Phil!

Ira!

Ira, gimme a firm embrace, Ira!

Oh, Ira.

Paulie! Get outta here!

Paulie! Yes, sir.

Gimme a firm embrace!

Oh, Paulie and Ira.

Now...

Give each other a firm embrace.

Each other?

Family. Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Now simultaneously...

Uncle Phil... A firm embrace!

Come on, come on. [GRUNTS]

Too much. Too much.

Easy. Boy. Okay.

Okay.

Now, as far as the firm embracing is concerned,

we're covered.

All right. Okay.

Take a seat. Take a seat.

Thank you. Make yourself at home.

Okay.

I have a wonderful hard candy

with a very soft fruit center.

That's okay. No, thank you, Uncle Phil.

Okay, it's your funeral.

Ay-yi-yi.

Ah!

So.

Yes.

So.

Yes.

So, so what was it you said was very important...

Yes.

Family!

This is not a job for strangers.

We're not strangers.

This is a job for only the people

in the immediate family.

Come closer. Come closer.

I have to tell you something very important.

A little closer. Closer.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, that's too close.

Now, what I want you boys to do

is to do for me a big favor.

You name it.

I want you two

to... Yeah?

Move the couch!

What? Yes!

Move the couch? Move the couch... From here to here.

You want us to move the couch.

I could do it myself,

only I can't.

Can I ask you why?

Not to pry, but why you suddenly need the couch moved.

All right!

I can't see the TV anymore.

Happy? Happy now?

Happy you made a proud man confess

that, uh, Tom Brokaw is a blur?

Uncle Phil... Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil.

Why don't we move the TV closer to the couch?

Don't touch the TV! You move that TV an inch in either direction,

I lose blue.

I, I like blue.

All right, all right, look,

we'll move the couch.

Paulie, come on. Let's move the couch.

To Brooklyn to move a couch.

Hey, tomorrow we'll go to Nebraska,

we'll change a light bulb.

I heard that.

Petty, bitter sarcasm!

Yes!

You're right. That was uncalled for, and I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

Firm embrace! Firm embrace.

We ready? I'll say three...

And you'll move the couch toward me.

All right? All right.

And ready, and three! Okay.

Three?

I gave you an "and."

Maybe if you start with one and then work up.

Oh! I know what you mean. Here we go.

And one...

And three!

Do all the numbers straight through.

I know. That was humor. That was humor, okay?

Now, now I'm giving you the real McCoy.

Here we go.

Ready? Are you boys ready?

We're set. Okay, here we go. And...

One...

And two!

And three!

Oh, good, good.

Now what happens? It's a heavy couch.

It's heavy. It's an eagle. It's an eagle couch.

Eagle?

All right. Catty-corner, catty-corner.

Too much cat. Too much corner. Okay.

Turn and slow the eagle down.

Okay!

The eagle has landed.

There we go. All right. The couch is moved.

Yes, yes.

Phil, it was very nice to see you...

Never mind! Never mind "Very nice to see you."

I know those good-bye words.

You worked hard. We're quenching thirst!

Quenching thirst.

I have a beautiful

strawberry-orange- mango-peach drink.

You have to shake it.

You have to shake it. If you don't shake it,

the peach is very intrusive.

It will dominate the drink.

We'll shake it. You have to shake it a lot.

We'll shake it. The peach!

The flesh of the peach pulp is amazing.

It, it's like Hitler!

It, it does what it wants!

Paulie, listen,

we shake, we drink, then we go.

Look at all this.

What's this?

He's got all these pictures under the couch.

Wow. Like photo albums from the 1400s here.

Hey.

Hey, Paulie, you know who this is? Who's that?

This is your father's Aunt Ruthie.

This is her at Ellis island.

Really? Yeah.

Not so much pretty.

She was not from the lookers.

Do you believe what he's got back here?

It's like a vault.

Orange-strawberry- mango-peach!

Shaken and shooken.

Thanks, Uncle Phil.

Right. Thanks.

Drink it up.

How's the peach?

It's good. It's very good.

Not too peachy.

It's fantastic.

What? Not enough peach?

Just nice. No, it's great.

Good, good.

Mango?

Peach and the mango. Mango's good.

I can't believe what you had back here.

You got all these pictures right behind your couch.

Who you got there?

Aunt Ruthie? Woof!

What a face.

What nerve, what nerve.

To come into a new country with a face like that.

Who...

Look. Look.

Tell me, who does this person remind you of?

Look at that face.

She looks a little bit like Aunt Rose.

Hmm. No. No.

Aunt Esther?

No, no. No.

Aunt Ida. Nope.

Who?

Jake LaMotta.

I mean, look at that nose.

Look at that chin.

Most people got a cleft, she got a cliff.

Amazing. She looks a little like a fighter there.

We had a fighter in the family.

We did? Yes. We had a fighter. Louie.

Your great-uncle Louie.

Louie Raczinsky.

Never heard of him.

He fought under the name of Louie Raczinsky.

Like a real fighter? Professional fighter?

Oh! Oh! What moves! What moves!

Hooks, jabs, pfft! Anything you want.

Dancing, boom! Tippy-toe, tippy-toe.

Turn, go, one, two, ba! Ba!

He was fantastic!

Fantas... Until he got into the ring.

When he got in the ring,

they hit him, he went "Oy!" and he fell down.

Hey, Uncle Phil, what's this?

That's you! That's Paulie?

That's Paulie on a pony.

That's not me.

Oh, you're right.

You're right. It's a picture of France.

You're right.

I went to France, I liked France, I took a picture of it.

But from here, it could be Paulie on a pony.

Paulie on a pony. France.

Paulie on a pony. France.

Paulie on a pony. France.

Romania!

You went too close.

I went too close.

Hey, what's this say?

Does this say "Nutty"?

That's your uncle Nuddy. Uncle Whosis?

This man is one of the great men in our family.

This man's a hero from the family.

Nuddy? Yes, Nuddy!

Uncle Nuddy. He was the hat maker to the czar!

He made caps and hats

and, and even war helmets!

For the czar!

So he worked right with the czar?

He worked for the czar.

He was a wonderful man, he was a hero!

He took his entire village,

from the money the czar gave him,

and moved that little village

from Russia to New York!

That's the man! Mwah!

A hero. He created a dynasty.

There was a dynasty?

Not exactly a dynasty,

but you see them around, you know?

This is wild.

Hey, Paulie, this'd make a good movie, huh?

Wow.

You wanna make a thing of this?

This is fascinating stuff. I don't want to lose it.

I'm touched. That's very nice.

You're a veritable fountain.

Oh, boy, wait'll you see the height of the fountain.

Do you have any paper? I wanna get some of this down.

I got a legal pad.

Close enough.

And I got two Eberhardts still sharp.

Two Eberhardts, number two.

I got everything.

First we'll take a little refreshment break, okay?

All right.

You know what? I like the couch the way it was before.

Move it back!

PHIL: Ready... Three!

What are you doing?

Cleaning out the egg things.

It's 4:00 in the morning. Aren't you tired?

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep.

Wanna play checkers? No.

Chess? No.

Yahtzee? I'll kick your ass at Yahtzee. No.

All right. A little Yahtzee and then good night.

Yippee!

Do we even have Yahtzee?

Yes, we have Yahtzee. It's right under here.

All right, a little Yah...

You would not believe the stories he was telling me.

We had this welterweight in our family,

this guy who was a fighter in the '30s.

Apparently, like, not great, but he...

I mean, all these people.

What a great idea for a movie.

You know, it's like... My family.

Just... Buchman!

That's the name of the film.

And just, you know, over the years,

how the Buchmans came to this country

and converged and then scattered

and coursed through the veins of America.

To me that's a great movie, don't you think?

[SNORING]

This is terrific! I got pencils.

One is sharp. The other one you have to bite it a little.

Wait a minute.

Before, let's take a coffee break.

Since I ain't got coffee, let's take a cottage cheese and melon ball break.

Good. Sounds good.

Okay? Whatever you got.

I got cantaloupe.

I got watermelon.

I got Crenshaw. I got Persian.

I got honeydew.

You name the melons, I'll show you the balls.

Don't go!

[BELL RINGING] MAN: In front.