Original subtitles

Previously on Mad About You...

[TIMER TICKING]

[BELL DINGS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

Get out of here.

You get out of here.

Oh, get outta here!

You get outta here.

Come here!

Get outta here!

My gosh, what are you saying? What are you saying?

What are you telling me? You're pregnant?

So, there's like an actual, little,

you-and-me combination right in there?

Oh, my... This is... You know what? This is just so...

Poetic. Yeah, but it's so...

You know, it's... Magical.

Yeah. No, it definitely is that.

What am I thinking, though? It's, like, the way it all...

Just... Sublime.

Um... No, no... What?

It's...

This is good. Mmm-hmm.

[DOOR BUZZING]

[DOOR BUZZING]

Who is it?

IRA: Hey, it's me!

Oh, man, what is he doing here now?

I don't know, but this is perfect.

So Ira will be the first person we get to tell.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait! Wait!

Just telling people? That's what we're doing?

Yeah. Why wouldn't we?

I don't know.

Come on. They're going to figure it out eventually.

We'll show up one day, we got a 7-year-old, they're gonna know.

No. Let's just keep it between us for now.

[IRA RAPPING ON DOOR] Hey, you guys! Open up!

Wait, wait. Why? Why?

A million reasons.

First of all, we don't know anything for sure.

As of now, the only real news

is that I've successfully peed on a stick.

Yeah, but... And we don't even have

confirmation from a gynecologist.

Mark is in Europe.

He'll be back. In three months.

We should probably find out before then.

[SIGHS]

All right. [DOOR BUZZING]

IRA: I'm standin' out here!

I can't believe you want to tell.

You're the superstitious one.

You know, telling is bad luck.

Is that true? Yes. You don't tell this early.

How many times you done this?

You're supposed to wait three months in, four months in.

There's a reason for that. You know, things can happen.

Things can go wrong. You're supposed to wait.

[DOOR BUZZING] IRA: Open the damn door!

All right. Listen, you know, it's your stick. It's your urine.

Thank you.

IRA: Come on, already! All right! All right! All right! All right!

Hey, by the way, nice going.

Hmm. You too.

IRA: All right, that's it, stand back! I'm comin' in!

I think I'm bleedin'. Oh, my God.

Let me get you a bandage.

What happened to you?

I'm walkin' down the street, mindin' my own business.

Some lady yells out, "Hey, Jose!"

I don't know why, but I turn around.

You're not Jose. Exactly.

She's swingin' at me, swingin' at me!

I'm coverin' myself up. I'm sayin', "I'm not Jose."

I am not Jose. "Do I look like Jose?"

I don't understand, 'cause you're not Jose.

I know! But she thinks that I'm Jose, Paulie.

She's hittin' me and grabbin' me!

And she's cursin' at me in Spanish.

Is it possible that... I am Jose?

You're not Jose.

Then what the hell took you two so long to answer the door?

Oh, sorry about that. We were just...

Uh, debating. Debating?

More like discussing. Discussing, debating.

Debating, discussing, speculating.

Speculating. Speculating? On what?

Whatever. Who remembers even now?

Hey, guys, what, what's going on?

Nothing. Paulie, come on

I know something's going on.

All right... Nothing is going on.

Nothing is going on.

Something is goin' on.

All right. Something is going on.

Nothing is going on.

Nothing is going on.

All right, we're gonna tell you,

but you have to promise not to tell anybody.

What are you doing? I thought you said nothing is going on.

He knows something is going on.

Oh, something is going on.

The truth is...

And this is really something.

We have to find a new gynecologist.

How about that?

Mark and Fran are in Europe, so...

Is everything okay?

Yes, yes, yes! Everything's fine. Everything's great.

It's just a little... It's a personal matter.

Personal matter?

It's a personal, private, delicate...

It's a woman thing.

Say no more.

I've been going through the yellow pages,

through friends' recommendations,

that article in New Yorkmagazine

on the best doctors in New York.

Hey, hey, hey! What about Joan?

Joan who? What, Debbie's Joan?

Yeah, yeah. She's a gynecologist.

Yeah? So?

Yeah, but... No, right?

I don't think so. Why?

Well, it's just too weird. I mean, Joan is...

She's my sister's girlfriend. She's family, you know...

You don't want to go to family for something like this.

You know, if it were a foot or, God forbid, a shoulder...

Fine. You know, then you could go see a friend or an uncle or whatever.

For something like this. Yeah, something like this...

To me, anything that involves the removing of the underwear.

You... No, you don't wanna mess around.

And plus, Jamie is gonna have the best.

Oh, of course! You know what I mean?

You don't have to have the best house or the best car or the best...

You know, piece of chicken...

Hey, hey, you don't want a bad piece of chicken.

Certainly not, but you understand what I'm sayin'.

You want the best. Exactly.

I understand. In fact, I can help you.

What, 'cause you have a good gynecologist?

No, no, but I could help find you one.

I will find you the best gynecologist in New York City.

Oh, you know what?

Listen, you don't have to do that.

Come on. It'll be a pleasure.

Ira, really, you don't have to do that.

Please, allow me to do this for you.

[DOOR BUZZING]

There's no reason, really, that you should...

Hello?

[WOMAN YELLING IN SPANISH]

Jose, it's for you.

JAMIE: Okay. This is for Thursday.

We've got Dr. Koeffler at 10:00,

then I'll meet you at Dr. Khalsa at 1:00 and at 3:00, Dr. Noh.

Dr. No? You're gonna use Sean Connery's gynecologist?

N-O-H. He's Korean.

Just makin' a joke. Don't be offended.

We might have to go with one of these guys

if we can't get in to see Dr. VonDerphal.

♪ Dr. VonDerphal ♪

You're gonna make fun of every name or what?

No, but come on, Dr. VonDerphal? He's askin' for it.

He's the guy I was telling you about.

He's the best. New York magazine did a whole profile just on him.

He was on Nightline.

Anthony Edward's character in ER is based on this guy.

Is that true? Yes!

That's so cool.

Hey, listen, if VonDerphal is the guy, and he's the best,

then VonDerphal is the von.

VonDerphal? Dr. VonDerphal?

Hey, Deb. Hi.

Hi. Yeah.

VonDerphal. You're gonna see Dr. VonDerphal?

Is it VonDerphal, or Von-DER-phal?

'Cause either way, it's quite vonderful.

It's nothing. It's just... It's a woman thing.

I should think so. And Mark's outta town,

so, we're just gonna see... Why don't you go see Joan?

I'll get you an appointment.

No. That's okay. We don't wanna bother you.

Oh, no bother. I'll call her right after lunch.

You shouldn't go out of your way, because Mark...

Just consider it done.

So... Only 96 hours, 15 minutes, and 12 seconds

until Mom and Dad finally meet Joan.

Relax. I'm sure the big news was that you have a girlfriend.

Yeah. Now you're just giving them a face

to attach all the sleepless nights spent crying.

Thank you, Paul.

See how nice I am when you come out of the closet.

What does she mean by that?

Anyway, for the big Joan meeting,

I still can't decide. Dinner or lunch?

Well, it's really which would you rather see Mom choke on?

Lunch.

Yes? Lunch. Definitely.

Daylight.

Okay.

'Cause I have it down to two restaurants.

Uh, Tavern on the Green...

Nope. DEBBIE: No?

A restaurant? A neutral location? Uh-uh.

Neutral location. Uh-uh.

Neutral Location. She'll eat you alive.

This... This is interesting.

You need the home field advantage, your own backyard.

Yes, because then, she can't ambush me in my own living room.

She can, but it's a little bit more difficult.

Listen to her. She's very clever about this.

Yes, yes. This is exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna have a nice sit-down lunch.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No. Buffet.

Buffet. Buffet, buffet, buffet.

Mollifies her, gives her the illusion of control.

You... You could do this professionally.

I'm telling you, she's very good.

Yeah. This is exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go cancel the reservation,

and while I'm doing it, I'm gonna call Dr. Joan.

Oh, wait! Before you do that, you know what...

Oh, now she's gonna call Joan.

I knew we weren't gonna get out of it.

Very nice advice you were giving her.

It won't do her any good. Why is that?

She's bringing a nice young woman home to your mother?

Hah! She's dead.

You don't seem so much broken up about it.

No, no, no. I'm very sad.

[LAUGHING SINISTERLY]

What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

but since the day I joined your family,

I've been at the bottom of your mother's totem pole.

I'm looking forward to moving up a notch.

Don't get me wrong. It's terrible for Joan.

I feel really bad.

[LAUGHING SINISTERLY]

JAMIE: We'll be polite to Joan,

make your sister happy, and be done with it.

Yes, it's official. You're pregnant.

Hey. Hey.

I'm telling you, those sticks are gonna put me out of business.

Four weeks. You were right, just like you said.

Good HCG levels. Everything seems normal.

Congratulations.

Okay. Well, thank you.

So, you told Debbie you had a little, uh...

Woman thing. Very good.

That was because, uh, you're not ready to tell the family yet?

Exactly. JOAN: I understand.

I was advised by patients to lie to those closest to them.

Just because you never know.

So, I'm gonna write you a prescription for prenatal vitamins,

and, uh, you should make an appointment to see me in about two weeks.

Uh, okay. Okay.

You're lying right now, aren't you?

No... No, we're not! No, we're not.

Yeah, we kinda... We are, actually, a little bit.

Sure. You're interviewing a whole bunch of OB-GYNs,

and the only reason I'm among them is because Debbie foisted me on you.

No, no, no, no. That's not it. No, that's not true.

Kinda... She did. It's a little bit true, I guess.

You're probably going to see Dr. Wonderful.

No, no, no, no, no. No, we're not.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow, I think.

Okay, here. Take your vitamins,

get plenty of rest, and work on the lying.

And if you should choose to come back, just call the office.

If not, I'll see you at the luncheon.

JOAN: Take care! Thank you! You too.

We'll call ya! JOAN: No, you won't!

No, but I mean for coffee or something.

IRA: Oh, that was great.

I mean, really, really great.

Yeah.

Listen, let me ask you something.

Yeah?

Who's your gynecologist?

What? What do you mean, what? We're getting closer.

We've... We've become very intimate,

but I just want...

I want to know everything there is to know about you.

Where did you go to school? Where are you from?

Who's your gynecologist?

Liar! [GROANS]

This Dr. VonDerphal, he's unbeliebable.

Honey, go like this.

That's how big the baby is right now!

Oh, he's just gonna get teased a lot.

[DOOR BUZZING]

Who is? DEBBIE: It's Debbie and Joan!

I am just never gonna get to finish this article.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] [DOOR BUZZING]

Really? So, what...

You change the diaper with, like, a little tweezer or something?

All right. You have a fish knife.

Why do you say it like that?

You have a fish knife! I know you do.

Don't lie to me! I gave it to you!

Just admit it! Unless you sold it, you have one!

JOAN: She's very nervous about the lunch.

Oh, then by all means, let's give her a sharp knife.

I am not nervous about the lunch.

I'm serving trout, which is a huge gamble.

You know, delicious? Yes.

But more bones than, than, than

what, what, what has a lot of bones?

Skeleton! Big skeleton.

Okay, okay. Here we go.

Everybody, take it easy. It's all gonna be fine.

Thank you.

You need anything else?

No. No.

No. What about the casserole dish?

Casserole dish!

[ALL MUTTERING]

Here, here! Here you go! Here you go.

Casserole... Okay.

Anything else?

No.

No.

No.

What about the garlic press?

Garlic press!

[ALL MUTTERING]

Here you go. Here, here, here.

Yes. All right.

Anything else? Anything else?

A whisk! A whisk!

Wait!

And about a gallon of wine.

You know they're not heavy drinkers.

It's for me. Now.

She's nervous about the lunch.

I'm not nervous about the lunch!

All right, I'm nervous.

I don't know why I'm nervous. [CHUCKLES]

Mom's gonna meet Joan. Well, maybe that's why.

All right, you guys. What should we drink to?

To your family. My family...

Dysfunctional, judgmental,

intolerant, oppressive, petty, and small.

Yes, but we get everything when they die.

Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey!

Oh, my God.

What?

Antibiotics! I put her on antibiotics for the, um...

For... That's... Woman thing. Right.

Aw, isn't that cute. What?

Oh, well, you know, you're their doctor.

You're giving them a little antibiotics.

You're taking care of my brother's wife.

It's cute. I like it. It makes me happy.

Okay, but you know what?

Deb, actually... What?

We're actually... Actually, they're still looking around.

What do you mean, you're looking around?

You got the best doctor in the city right here.

No, no. I don't... We're not looking around.

We're just... We're exploring our options.

Oh, well, so long as you're not looking around.

PAUL: Deb... Yeah, this is hugely insulting.

Debbie, it is not insulting.

I'm sorry, but it is.

You're saying that you don't trust my judgment in people

and that you don't think Joan is a good enough doctor for you.

That's not what they're saying!

That is exactly what they're saying!

Can I have the knife, please?

I have to go to the bathroom.

She's nervous about the lunch.

♪ Did you ever have to make up your mind?

♪ And pick up on one and leave the other behind

♪ It's not often easy and not often kind

♪ Did you ever have to make up your mind?

♪ Did you ever have to finally decide ♪

JAMIE: Look at this place. It's like a museum.

Okay. Can I say one thing? Picasso!

Wow.

It's a woman giving birth to her own face.

This is the fanciest room I've ever been in in my entire life.

Okay. See? Now I want to be a woman.

All right. Sit down. He's gonna come in in a minute.

Sit down. I'm sitting. I'm sitting.

What's wrong with your hair? What?

It looks weird. It's not.

It's pointy. Leave it alone.

Why is it pointy? Leave it alone.

Go like this. It's fine.

Pat it down in the back. Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.

I am. I'm patting. I'm...

Hello.

You must be Paul and Jamie.

You must be Dr. VonDerphal.

Is it VonDerphal or Von-DER-phal?

'Cause I gotta tell ya, either way, it's quite... What?

IRA: Yeah. Two of the glazed.

Please.

And anything else?

Yeah, yeah. One of the twists. Okay.

And anything else?

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact. Um...

Who's your gynecologist?

[DOOR BUZZING] DEBBIE: Who is it?

BURT: It' Burt and Sylvia.

Burt and Sylvia Buchman.

Your parents.

She knows! Hi!

Why are you screaming? We're not that old.

Wow. Have you changed this place since I was here.

Got a new sofa, new lamp, new club chair.

Where is she?

Hi, everyone.

My lord. You are a strapping young woman.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Joan.

I'm Debbie's mother, Sylvia Buchman.

And I'm Burt. Burt Buchman.

Uh, Sylvia's husband, and also, Debbie's father.

Can you imagine?

Here. Let me take your coat, Mrs. Buchman.

Sylvia. Please.

Sylvia. Thank you.

And Mr. Buchman?

You want my coat? I do.

Hey, how about this?

You know, I'll miss the bottom of the totem pole.

Really? No, not really.

[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]

What the hell was that?

And the camp called and said, "I'm sorry,

"but your daughter can no longer take archery!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

[DOOR BUZZING]

SYLVIA: Debbie, she's delightful.

[LAUGHTER]

I don't wanna go in.

Well, are you gonna come in, or are you going to explore your options?

We brought cake.

Put it over there.

Listen, what's the matter? JAMIE: It's nothing.

It's not nothing. It's something.

Okay. Do we have to discuss this right now?

No, we don't have to discuss this now. Let's eat.

Good! I'm starving.

SYLVIA: Me too.

Oh! Look at those beautiful dishes!

Where did you get them?

Rhinebeck, the crafts fair.

Oh, I love it there. We go there.

Remember, Burt? No.

Is this that soy cheese? Yes.

Burt, this is that soy cheese.

[SARCASTICALLY] Great!

I heard about this. Where did you get it?

Oh, a little place uptown.

I stopped in right after Jamie said they were looking

for a new gynecologist, and it wouldn't be Joan.

What? It's nothing. It's nothing.

What is this, aspic? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I got that right after Paul said Joan wouldn't do,

that they needed to shop around.

Deb... Sylvia, you can understand...

Understand what? My position. It's very...

No, no, no, I do not understand.

Joan is your sister-in-law. Essentially.

Really? Not only that, but, if I may...

She's a lesbian.

She knows about these things, right?

Uh... Yes.

Thank you.

You know what? I never even thought of that.

See?

You got some kind of problem with Joan?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

You know, you would expect a little more open-mindedness

from the liberals.

Sylvia, let me just say one thing.

What, now she's a member of a militia group?

No, only if New York magazine says

it's the best militia group with the nicest bombs

and the most fashionable uniforms.

Okay. Look, Paul and Jamie are choosing a doctor,

which is a very personal, private matter.

It's a decision which could affect the rest of their lives,

and that is why no one, even with the best of intentions,

should ever dare to put any pressure on them.

My best professional advice is everybody, back off.

SYLVIA: You know what?

She's right.

Really?

You know, she's quite the orator.

Huh.

She certainly is...

Bottom of the totem pole. Oh, yeah.

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

Consuela...

[TURNS VACUUM OFF]

Let me ask you something.

[SMACK] [IRA GROANS]

[GLASS BREAKING]

Someone's gonna have to marry a bank-robbing, puppy-kicking serial killer

before I stand any chance of getting in good with your mother.

Oh, just hang in there.

Listen, the minute my mother finds out

that you are carrying her genetic material...

Pfft! You're gonna fly right to the top of her totem pole.

Or not.

[ANSWERING MACHINE] Hi, this is Claudia from Dr. VonDerphal's office.

Congratulations. Dr. VonDerphal will be able to take you on as a patient.

Please call to arrange an appointment.

[BEEP]

Huh.

Can I tell you what I'm thinking?

Joan? Joan!

Yeah, I mean... She's nice!

She's really nice. And she's competent. She's competent.

She's smart. She's competent. She's kind.

Really kind. Very kind.

Like she wouldn't hurt a fly kinda kind.

I can see why your sister loves her.

So, Joan.

Joan. Yeah.

All right. There it is.

Hey, we got you a doctor.

That's our very first parental decision.

Look at that.

Um... Little person...

[CHUCKLES]

Your mother and I have decided to go with Joan.

[DOOR BUZZING]

Okay. That's the second time that happened now.

[DOOR BUZZING]

It's some sort of, like, freakish thing going on there.

I'm a little uncomfortable.

I'll tell ya this.

It is not information that women part with easily.

What?

The best gynecologist in New York

is apparently this guy, Dr. VonDerphal.

Oh, yeah, we know. Yeah, but we decided

we're gonna go with Joan. Thanks, though.

Hello, Debbie. Yeah, this is your mother.

Yeah. I just wanted to tell you that your father and I

thought that Joan was wonderful.

Strapping. Yes.

Tell her strapping.

Yeah, she was wonderful, and she was charming.

Tell her strapping. She's strapping.

I heard you, already.

But you're not saying it.

All right! So, you say it.

Oh, hello, Debbie.

Yeah. Joan is charming and wonderful.

And strapping.

She's a very strapping young woman.

[HOOVES BEATING] MAN: In front.