Original subtitles

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Well, things are looking up I see.

Here they come.

Scotty, start the camera.

These Raging Loins, take one.

Which one is my double?

That one, the one in blue, Susan Slade.

She's pretty good too.

Maybe so, but she's not the star.

You're the star, Mary.

I'm glad you remembered.

How could I forget?

I mean, time too.

I mean, this stunt is costing me a fortune!

This is going to be the greatest

sky diving sequence I have ever directed, P.G.

And your first.

We could have done it with models.

Listen, remind me, I wanna pop up some

more laughs in that crucifixion scene, or more sex.

Well, which is it gonna be?

Uh, more sex.

It's cheaper.

Susan, her chute's not opening!

Keep shooting.

Cut.

Oh, what a terrible thing.

Holy shit.

Thank God it was the last shot in the picture.

Listen, P.G., I hate to bring this up

at a time like this, but we're gonna need

another stunt girl for Queen of the Mob.

You know, we start shooting next Tuesday.

Don't worry!

Listen, there are plenty of girls in Hollywood

who would die at the chance to make a picture.

You know what I mean.

Look, these kids are a dime a dozen!

There's another one where she came from.

♪ The city lights are twinkling ♪

♪ The sun is slowly sinking

♪ Shadows are getting long

♪ Goodbye Today

♪ Here's tonight, and below me

♪ The neon signs are show me

♪ Indiana is so far far away

♪ Can I play that precious part ♪

♪ In this world of fantasy

♪ Will I ever be a star?

♪ Will the billboards shine for me? ♪

♪ Hello cold and empty nights

♪ Hello long and uphill fights

♪ Hello Hollywood

♪ When I was young the silver screen would show ♪

♪ All those things that made a girls heart glow ♪

♪ As my heroes loved and died just for me ♪

♪ Did all the stars shine so bright ♪

♪ Would a rainbow of guiding light ♪

♪ Lead me to the doorstep of my dreams ♪

♪ The highway to the stars is a rough and rocky road ♪

♪ By the side lay the careers of those ♪

♪ Who couldn't pull their load

♪ Hello honest folks and fakes

♪ Hello good and bad mistakes

♪ Hello Hollywood

♪ Can I play that precious part ♪

♪ In this world of fantasy

♪ Will I ever be a star?

♪ Will the billboards shine for me? ♪

♪ Hello cold and empty nights

♪ Hello long and uphill fights

♪ Hello Hollywood

It's a nudie picture with a $2000 budget.

No script, a 10 hour shooting schedule,

and it opens in 22 cities at the end of the week.

You want it or don't ya?

Hold on.

I sure hope you're sandwich girl, sweetheart.

No, I'm Candy Hope.

Change it.

Change what?

You're name!

What for?

This is Hollywood, we change everything.

We have to.

Let's see, how about January Wednesday?

No, you don't look like a Wednesday.

I like my name.

I mean, most people call me by it all the time.

You ever do any belly dancing?

No.

High-wire work?

No.

Can you give a Swedish massage?

No.

You're an actress.

Well you came to the right place, kid.

Oh, did I?

Sure, I know what you kids are up against.

Can't get a job without being in the union,

you can't get in the union without a job.

Can't get an agent without experience,

you can't get work without an agent.

Well you just got yourself an agent.

Oh, Mr. Paisley, really?

Yeah, now let me know as soon as you get yourself a job.

Paisley.

You got a what?

A Mexican donkey act?

It tap dances too?

Okay, get your ass over here.

You're still here?

Mr. Paisley, how do I get a job?

How should I know, I'm just an agent.

Look, alright.

Walk around town, be seen.

Lana Turner was discovered in a drug store.

Jean Harlow under the Santa Monica Pier.

You mean all I have to do is walk out somewhere

and someone's just gonna come up to me and?

Sure.

This town is crawling with producers,

casting directors, little things, you know.

You come back in a couple days,

let me know how you're doing.

Paisley.

What?

Bimbo the Elephant is signing with another agent?

For Christ's sakes, why?

That was three years ago!

Doesn't that bum elephant ever forget anything?

Oh, excuse me.

No, no, go ahead.

No, go ahead, I was just gonna glance at the casting calls.

Oh, that's funny, so was I.

You must be an actress.

Well, I'm trying to be one.

That puts us in the same boat,

so let's read the same copy.

Hi, my name is Duke.

Hi, I'm Candy.

There doesn't seem to be a whole lot in there, does there?

There never is.

Hey, but you know, I'm doin' a film

and there's a part that would be perfect for you in it.

Really?

Yeah, the director's a real good friend of mine,

and it's a terrific part.

It's kind of a modern day Bonnie and Clyde film.

Ah, but nah, I guess it wouldn't work.

Well, why not?

Well, it's a real low budget picture,

you know what I mean?

And they're gonna need a girl that can supply her own car,

so I guess that let's you...

Oh, but I have a car, I have a car!

Do ya?

Yeah, this one right here.

This is mine.

Oh, do you think I could really get the part?

Kid, you're a shoe in!

You know, it's just like Mr. Paisley said.

One minute you're a nobody makin' the rounds...

Stick 'em up!

Oh, you look scary, scary.

How do you think I look?

You look beautiful.

Perfect!

Now for the final touch.

Oh, but I can't put this over my gorgeous makeup!

My friend likes realism.

If you're gonna be a getaway driver,

you have to wear a mask.

Oh, sure, of course, if the part demands it.

Hey, Candy, this here's Rico.

Hello!

Pleased to meet ya.

Hey what are you guys doing down there, anyway?

Realism, honey, realism.

Oh, this is my first film.

I guess you guys have been in a lot, huh?

Yeah, I've been in for 15 years.

What he means is we've been in the business a long time.

Come on, come on, let's get a move on.

I'm so excited.

I mean, just coming out here from Indianapolis

and getting a real part in a movie just like that.

Oh, Los Angeles is such a wonderful place.

Uh-huh.

There it is.

Just pull up to the bank and wait.

But, um, I don't see the camera.

That's the point.

It's a hidden camera.

Mary McQueen and Bimbo,

together again in Elephant Girls in Bondage.

Industrial waste turned her from a youth leader

into a rampaging rogue elephant!

Look out!

An elephant movie you'll never forget,

says Ron Kline, Long Park Times.

Break her into giant chunks, says Pierre Gonlove.

Elephant Girls in Bondage.

Was that the first take?

Huh?

Oh yeah, yeah, let's go.

But what about my close up?

What kinda movie is this?

Okay now, peel out.

Okay, okay, geez.

Cop on our tail.

Lose him.

Not bad.

Okay, pull off the road.

Oh, where are we?

Where do I go?

Anywhere, I don't care.

Just stop before you kill us.

Okay, I'll split the loot and meet ya at the motel.

Okay, sure.

Oh, look, I don't mind walking, you know,

if you wanna let me out here.

Hey, that sucker took the loot!

What?

Come on, get going.

Is this the end of Rico?

Just ram right through 'em.

What?

Ooh!

I'll be damned, we lost them.

You know, you might have a future in this...

Well, maybe you learned yourself an important lesson.

You bet.

Don't trust strangers in this town.

Wrong!

You don't take a job unless you check with your agent.

I would have got you a cut of the take, at least.

I feel lucky just to be alive and sitting here, right now!

Alive?

Hey, maybe we can turn this into something good, like a job.

Hello.

You want an Amazon girl and a giant python.

Hold on a sec.

Hey.

How tall are you?

Uh, 5'4".

Ah.

Hey listen, I ain't got one, but I got a midget lady

who does a great act with a worm.

Right!

Hang on, shorty, I'm still working for you.

Stay away from my hamburger.

P.G., Paisley.

Yeah, hey you still looking for a stunt girl?

Well I just happen to have the greatest little

stunt driver in town sitting right opposite me.

Right, I'll send her right over.

You're all set.

A stunt driver?

Look, I can't do...

Hey, hey, you do just what you did yesterday.

Forget it's a movie.

A movie?

Yeah.

That was P.G., Miracle Pictures.

They had a little accident on the set

and they need a replacement in a hurry.

Do you think that it could lead to a real part?

I mean, a real, real part?

They make a picture a week.

You do well, you're working steady.

Okay, I'll try it, I'll try it.

That's my girl.

Hey, this is where they're shooting.

Take the LaPointe off-ramp, the Slawson cut-off,

hang a right at Big Boy's, and it's under the underpass.

Good luck, kid.

Here, wrap yourself around a burger.

Wanna bite, no?

It's good.

Uh, excuse me?

Mhmm?

Is this Miracle Pictures?

Sure is.

If it's a good picture, it's a miracle.

It's a gonna be a miracle if I can write this scene.

They have me writing this scene

about this guy and this girl,

they meet, they've never seen each other before,

and bingo, bango, they're in love.

Hello, I'm Patrick.

Can I help you?

Yeah hi, I'm Candy.

Walter Paisley sent me over from his office.

Oh, you want Erich, our director.

Come on.

Want a souvenir?

Yeah!

I'm concerned about the way this scene's been going.

Something is working there,

but a lot of the meaning is going out the window.

I want this line to express the whole thing.

A childhood of lonely days and hungry nights,

of breadlines and soup kitchens,

and a little girl's broken, pathetic, dreams.

Let's hear it.

Your money or your life.

No, no, no.

Your money or your life.

Your money or your life.

No, no.

Feeling, Mary, your money or your life.

Your money or your life.

Terrible, Mary...

Your money or your life!

Magnificent, wonderful!

Erich, Erich, this is Candy.

Paisley sent her.

Ah, the new stunt girl, terrific.

No, actually, I'm an actress.

An actress, oh my.

Is that your portfolio?

Lighten up, Mary.

Hey P.G.!

All the girls are here to audition for the nude scene.

No time to strip, time is money!

Scotty, where's my casting couch?

Uh, in the truck.

In the truck.

Okay, you and you, come with me.

The rest of you stick there, I'll be right back.

Scotty, keep 'em wet.

Yeah.

Now let me tell you about this scene, it's very simple.

You get into the Model T, you drive down the road,

up the ramp, flip over, and crash.

Ah, nothing to it.

Now the hard part, your motivation.

In this scene, your motivation is to be...

To stay alive.

We buried our last stunt girl on Saturday.

Good luck, sweetheart.

You nervous?

I'm very nervous, woo.

You'll do fine.

Break a leg!

I didn't mean that.

Alright, Candy, Scotty, ready and action!

I did the same stunt in Machine Gun Molly,

it's really very simple.

You're a real pro!

Been at it long?

Are you kidding?

I have never driven a car in front of film

or anything before in my whole life.

You're kidding?

You mean you're a stranger to the charms

of Southern California?

The charms?

The charms, totally.

This is a fantasy come true!

Hey, how would you like to be swept off your feet?

Introduced to good food, thrilling music,

and fascinating people?

I'm at your service.

Rip her heart out!

Boy, anybody'd think you didn't like

being a roller derby star.

Shit, Jill, my body's just one big bruise.

I know a lot of guys who dig that look.

Every time I shack up with a guy

he wants to call an ambulance.

If I don't make the move now I'm gonna end up going

around in circles for the rest of my life.

Make the move to what?

Well, I've been thinkin'

about your racket, movies.

You know anything about it?

No, but what'd you know when you got started?

Not much, you don't need to know much being an extra.

Except how to screw around and spend money,

and that's what it's all about.

Okay, well then the way I figure it's just another fake.

I mean, I've been throwing derby's for years,

and I'm not in jail yet.

I already deserve an academy award.

Okay, so I'll introduce you to my agent.

Great, that's all I need.

Then it's just a matter of me ballin' my way to the top.

I mean, you know, swimming pools,

and fancy clothes, and fast cars.

Then I'd be a really Hollywood genuine star.

Can I have your autograph?

Sure, kid.

What's your name?

David.

Okay, David.

There you go.

Here's what I think of the Avengers.

I could sure dig meeting a better class of people.

A bearded lady?

Hold on.

Bruno, you still sportin' whiskers?

Good.

Get yourself down to Ferg's of Hollywood,

buy yourself a pair of tits.

You're on!

Hold on, Harry.

Girls, I called you all here

to offer you a glorious opportunity.

Look out.

It is not only a paid vacation to a tropical paradise,

it is not only leading roles in a major motion picture...

It's a way for Walter to make an extra buck.

It is Machete Maidens of Mora Tau,

Miracle Pictures new super spectacle

shot entirely in the Philippines!

It's a great script, feel how much that weighs, huh, huh?

I did this picture already, three times.

Sorry, Walter.

Oh, there's a dedicated girl.

Walter, if it's a part, I mean a part part,

I will go anywhere for a part.

Shit, I'll go.

I've never been out of the country except Tijuana.

If you go, I'll go.

Let's do it.

Great!

Well, that's three of you.

Uh, Candy, you can play Mary's part, that's the lead.

Okay, Walter, where's the ticket.

All set.

Jesus, where are we?

Ouch!

God dammit, I'm infested!

Tropical paradise, I'm gonna ring fucking Paisley's neck.

Feels like summer in Atlantic City.

Wow, what a big bug!

Bug, where, where, where?

Is it on me, is it on me?

Where?

Oh.

Cut!

Well, you ruined the shot, but at least you're here.

Scotty.

You're just in time for your first shot.

Oh, what do we do?

Oh, it's a delightful scene.

You four girls massacre 300 Asiatic soldiers.

Now your motivation, very important,

is to massacre 300 Asiatic soldiers.

Explosions!

Dull, dull, dull!

I want action!

Scotty, the blood looks phony.

Alright, break for lunch!

What?

It's the same old plot, of course it's boring!

Erich, think of the dramatic realism

if Candy, Bobbi, and Jill's characters

get killed off in the third reel.

First the audience feels lost, and then they feel anger,

and then they feel hatred, real hatred.

I don't know, Mary, it sounds a little far...

It's me left alone, the desperate woman bit.

Now Erich, you know that I am

not angling for a larger part.

That's the furthest thing from my mind.

I'm thinking of the emotion, me against the jungle,

me against the sadistic natives,

me against the quicksand, the flowers, the banana.

Mary, Mary, that's just silly.

It's not silly, it's the human condition!

Mary, this is not a film about the human condition.

This is a film about tits and ass.

Erich, when are you gonna realize that I am...

It sounds like Mary is cooking up a re-write for you.

She tries that stunt every film.

But what the hell.

I mean, when they gave me this assignment two weeks ago

it was about Eskimo women battling dinosaurs in Alaska.

Yeah, so what happened?

Well, they couldn't get any young maidens

to freeze their tits off at 20 below!

You know, you're not born with dedication

and discipline, you have to learn it.

Fucking saddled with fucking amateurs.

Ready for the scene where the dogs chase Mary, boss.

Yeah, yeah, bring 'em in.

Now, wait a minute!

I wanna meet the dogs and I want the dog biscuits.

You wanna meet the dogs?

- Yes. - Dog biscuits.

There is mommy's cutesy itsy bitsy babies.

Come on, honey, come on...

You're crazy.

You're crazy if you think I'm

getting near those viscous beasts.

What, your itty witty babies?

Yes, what about your professionalism,

what about your dedication, what about your discipline?

Blow it out your ass!

Now Candy, this scene is an actress' dream.

You get raped by five lust crazed rebel soldiers.

You struggle, scratch, you fight, to no avail.

It'll be the most sensual scene of sexual depravity

ever to be seen on the screen.

And we have to get it all in one take.

Ready?

Action.

Soldiers, more action.

That's it, more passion.

Candy dear, this is a rape, not a gang-bang.

Ow, stop!

No teeth!

More excitement.

No!

Good, nice, more of that.

Okay, I think we've got it.

Cut.

Cut!

Boys, cut.

- Get outta there! - Enough guys.

Get off the star!

- Fellas, please, cut. - Get off of her!

Oh, Candy.

Get off the star!

Nobody listens to me.

Now Bobbi, this is your big moment.

You have the line that sums up the entire inner meaning,

the core, the essence of the entire film.

Are you ready?

Alright, action.

Now get it up, or I'll cut it off!

Cut!

Fantastic!

Oh, such realism, such feeling!

This is gonna be my best picture

since Bad Girls in Boystown!

Geez, did you do that?

Well if I didn't feel like a real

Hollywood type before, I do now.

Kinda cozy, isn't it?

Was anybody sleepy?

Or shall we have a three way career conference?

I'm gonna make you a big star, baby.

And you too.

A big, big, big star.

Well, the game plan's working.

G.P. already offered me a part in his next film.

P.G., not G.P.

Whatever.

You gave him quite an audition last night.

Well, it's the sort of part

I can really sink my teeth into.

I don't know.

I mean, do you really think that's how you become a star?

Look, I'm not gonna be in P.G.'s

home movies the rest of my life.

This is sort of just a temporary layover,

if you get the drift.

No, I don't know.

They never told me about any of that stuff in drama school.

Look, movie guys are all the same.

All they care about are tits and ass.

So what are we, actresses or hookers?

I mean, really, geez!

I don't give a damn what I am as long as I'm a star.

Doin' it with one guy is great,

but when the whole world is watching it's such a rush!

I want guys lying away at night thinking about me.

Guys I don't even know.

Yeah, well now that's like being a star.

Get outta here, you creep!

If they wanna see it, let 'em buy a ticket.

Alright, one more time.

And action!

Come on, big boy, help me get away.

I'll be good to you.

I know how to treat man.

I'm in heat and I'm horny as hell!

Got the bastard.

Cut, that's not in the script!

Fuck the script, I'm being eaten alive here!

Scotty, would you do something about these bugs?

Working on it, boss!

Alright, let's try it again.

Rolling, speed, scene six take two.

And action!

Come on, big boy, help me get away.

I'll be good to you.

Cut, cut!

Scotty, would you get the hell outta there!

Jesus, go set up the next shot.

Put the jewel encrusted Buddha on the sacrificial altar.

Rolling, speed, take three.

Alright, and action.

Come on, handsome, help me to escape.

I'll be good to you.

Cut!

God dammit, Scotty!

Excuse me while I write Buddha out of the picture.

That does it, that is the last straw!

P.G., we've got to fire Scotty!

What?

Look, his clumsiness is saving us

from shooting 15 pages of each script.

He's saving me a fortune!

Fire him, I'll fire you.

It's lack of concentration.

If you had a professional actress

instead of some professional slut,

a bunch of flies wouldn't bother her!

Lay off, Mary, Jill's a friend of mine.

You know, you starlets are all alike.

You get your boobs in front of the camera

and you're ready to jump into

the cement at Grauman's Chinese.

Listen, Miss Garbo, I saw you in Brain from Planet X,

and the only way you'll ever get

your footprints in front of Grauman's

is if you're sitting on the curb

and a bus runs over your feet!

How 'bout my foot in your mouth, honey?

Actresses, I hate them.

You're cattle!

You put me behind schedule, you ruin my atmosphere,

you drive me crazy!

But my films, my films will outlive all of you.

Cut!

Terrific!

Fabulous!

Jill, what a performance.

That look, that realism.

Total reality, Jill, you, Jill?

Jill?

She's dead, for real!

My God, this is terrible, this is tragedy!

How am I going to get my close up?

Your close up, is that all you care about?

You're right, this should make

us all ponder deeper questions.

Art and reality, where does one end and the other begin?

Oh, for Christ's sake, Erich.

Isn't anyone gonna call the cops?

Honey, this is the Philippines, there are no cops.

It wouldn't do any good, baby.

I mean, everybody was running around

firing like mad, you know?

He's right.

The bullet could have come from anywhere.

I've never seen anyone dead before.

Well, might as well pack up.

Scotty, cut the lights.

Working on it!

It's one of those terrible accidents.

You mean, another one!

Let it out.

Hi!

Hi, Walter!

Well, you all ready for the big day?

I'm ready, I'm willing, I'm so nervous!

Well, listen, that's natural.

World premiere, your first picture, it's only natural.

Come on, climb in.

No, no, no, climb in.

Oh, oh.

Walter, wait a minute!

Wow, Walter, what a neat car.

Yeah, it's a Rolls Canardly.

A Rolls Canardly?

Yeah, it rolls down one hill

and can hardly get up the next!

Walter.

Walter, you sure you know where this place is?

Are you kidding?

My favorite client's world premiere?

Let's see, it's the Hollywood Freeway north

to the Ventura Freeway west, through the Calabasas cutoff,

to the San Diego Freeway south,

to the Santa Monica Freeway east, and there you are.

Where are you?

On the Pasadena Freeway, where else?

I thought it was a left at the Tarzana turnoff?

Left or right, what's the difference?

We're lost!

Walter!

What did I tell ya, there it is!

World Premiere, huh?

Okay, so it played three days in Manila.

Okay, sit tight, I'll have this thing together in a jiffy.

Hey, that's Boris Karloff.

He now refuses to leave.

Isn't that kid terrific?

Walter, that's you!

Yeah, I used to be an actor.

Not bad, huh?

Why'd you give it up?

Well you know, I had a lousy agent.

How do you know what harm he plans?

Do you want him wandering around the castle?

Do you want him down in the crypt?

Enough.

The crypt is no concern of yours.

Walter, Walter, shit, you coulda been somebody, really.

I coulda been a contender.

Walter, that wasn't a sad movie.

There must have been 50 people up there

and I didn't have 10% of any of 'em,

that's a sad movie.

It's intermission time.

Time for that scrumptious array of tasty treats

waiting for you at the snack bar,

where the popcorn's poppin',

the cold drinks are sparkling...

You know you guys, I really feel

like I could really use a drink right now.

Hey, that's why you got an agent.

I've been to hundreds of these premiere things

with my clients and I always come prepared.

Oh, Walter, you are a saint.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

I used to handle that monster, but he moved to Japan.

What's that?

I dunno, but I think it's disgusting.

Kids see these pictures?

What are they doing?

I think it's the monster mash.

That looks, it looks like, they are.

Oh my God, they're doing it!

And not very well.

Mmm, doesn't this look delicious?

This is our submarine meatball sandwich.

Anybody hungry?

Not anymore.

That's not our film, is it?

I used to handle that meatball.

Oh you did, really?

Well he's kinda cute.

He is sorta cute, you know?

In little round bouncy way.

So what'll it be, folks, cheese or sausage?

It's made with the original crispy pizza crust.

Our exclusive pizza sauce.

A pinch of salt, a touch of Parmesan grated cheese,

mozzarella cheese, a little oregano, and presto, pizza!

Oh, hey, we're next.

Excited?

No, somehow this isn't quite

what I dreamt about in Indiana.

♪ Back home again, in Indiana

Oh my God, there it is!

Brace yourself.

Oh, my first picture.

There's my name, there's my name!

Oh, and there's Jill's, oh.

This business breaks your heart sometimes.

Her last picture.

And a stinker.

An actor, ha!

Ugh, I can't take much more of this stuff.

It's a bunch of baloney!

That's not the real me!

Oh no, not the rape scene.

They promised not to use that thing, they did!

Oh, oh, I can't look at that anymore.

I can't watch this anymore, hold this.

I'm gonna get that guy.

Let me out.

It's okay, let her go.

Lots of people don't react too well the first time

they see their face up there on the big screen.

Where is her face?

This stuff is disgusting!

Sick!

How can they expect people to swallow this muck?

John Wayne would never make a picture like this.

Sick.

We're gonna get our money back and we're gonna go home!

Ah gee, Dad, can't we wait until they plug her?

You know, a little of that ol' in and out?

You know, a little pussy pumping?

Sick!

Please don't hurt me!

Hey you, you!

Take it off!

Take it off!

Depravity!

Filth!

This is worse than television!

Sick!

Please don't hurt me!

No, no!

Hey, I'm getting worried about Candy.

I mean, she's been gone a pretty long time.

She's alright.

She probably went to get a hot dog.

I dunno, Walter.

She was pretty loaded.

Let's look around.

You check the hot dog stand.

Now wait a second.

I'll check the hot dog stand.

No, Walter, you check the hot dog stand!

Okay, if you insist.

Excuse me, I'm looking for somebody.

Come on in, big boy.

I can't, I'm looking for somebody.

How 'bout a rain check?

Faggot!

Dyke!

Listen buddy, I want my money back.

That's the most depraved, revolting,

offensive, degenerate...

Come on girls, keep moving!

Let's shake a leg here!

Excuse me, I was wondering...

Turn that wheel faster!

Come on, you, faster, quick!

Move your ass!

Hey, fuck you, buddy!

I wrote this picture, I can stand

in front of it if I want to!

Hey, hey, I'm sorry pal.

I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it.

No, no!

Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

Come on!

No!

Get off him!

Hold it!

I love Hollywood!

Ooh, I hate Hollywood.

How do you feel?

Shitty.

I'll get you a drink.

No, no, no, no.

Well how 'bout a couple of Valium?

No, no, no, just rub my neck right here.

Oh, that was awful.

Take my word for it, nobody will see this picture.

I oughta know, I've written five others just like it.

Why did I do this picture if nobody was going to see it?

Experience, and you weren't bad at it.

And you're gonna be better in the next one.

The next one?

Yeah, the 1950s thing.

P.G. has me working on it already,

and you're gonna be in it.

I'm writing a terrific part just for you.

You know you are going to have to speak with my agent.

Hi, so how's the genius?

How's the script coming?

Hi, hi!

Hi P.G., hi Bobbi!

Well, I'm very glad you guys are here

because I'm quietly going insane.

So he's been doing his research, I see.

Research?

We have been living in the 1950s for one entire week!

Great!

I mean this is gonna be the biggest picture yet.

I mean, the 50s are really going.

Uh, yeah, so where is he, already?

Oh, he's in the pool house.

So what's he do out there anyway?

I don't know, it's some secret little

special place he calls his research room,

which is always locked and I would love

to find out what he does in there.

Watch out!

Watch for laxatives that foam, fizz,

fall apart in your stomach.

A laxative that dissolves in your stomach

may cause nauseating stomach upset.

As you can see, it's down here where you need the help.

Not in the stomach, but down here where

the lower digestive system is stopped up.

That's why you need Intestinex, the oral enema.

It quickly moves past your stomach

and unblocks the clogged passage ways.

Ah, there it goes now.

So watch out!

Watch out for laxatives that foam, fizz,

fall apart in your stomach.

Get Intestinex, the medical miracle of 1956.

The greatest health discovery since the soft vaccine.

Hey, it's terrific!

The whole era is beginning to gel for me.

Great, gelled for everyone else about 20 years ago!

Hey P.G., you see this guy?

That's Mark Dentine, the famous '50s movie star!

You wouldn't believe it to look at him,

but his career is still going downhill.

He was the hottest thing in Hollywood

till Walter Paisley started handling him.

He's my pool cleaner now.

Maybe we could use him.

Mark Dentine in the...

Look, he's a wreck, he's a drunk!

Pretty much all we need, I'm thinking.

Let me think.

Wait a minute.

Listen, this old film stuff is very interesting, you know?

But is that what people wanna see?

I mean, it's dated.

Of course it's dated, it's the '50s!

Right!

So how can we best use the '50s angle

and still give the people something new,

something exciting, something they've never seen before?

I give up.

We'll do a little switch.

No '50s movie.

Wrong.

See that kind of thinking shows why

you're only a writer, not a big producer.

No, it's still gonna be a '50s movie,

only not 1950, see, but 2050.

What?

The future!

Everybody loves the future.

It's where we'll all be spending

the rest of our lives, right?

So give me futuristic cars, give me violence,

give me boobs of the future,

and give me a script by Tuesday.

Don't look so worried, it'll kill 'em.

Come on, big boy, take me where I wanna go.

I really know how to be good to a car.

You know, this stupid car has

all the best lines in the whole movie!

Cut, cut!

Now let's try it once more from, come on, big boy.

Buzz off!

Gin.

Gin?

You fucking annoying...

Yes Mike, I've done almost all

of my films for Miracle Pictures.

P.G., our producer, gives me freedom here

that most directors at the majors never get.

In every film we try to confront a major,

important social issue of the day.

For instance, Scotty, would you come over here?

This is prop from our new picture, Atomic War Brides.

In this film we are combining the myth

of Romeo and Juliet with high speed car action,

and a sincere plea for international

atomic controls in our time.

Cut.

I hesitated for a long time before doing this picture

because as a star, I have a tremendous influence

over hundreds of thousands of people nationwide, worldwide.

And after I did Bad Girls in Trouble,

they legalized abortion, and then after I did Junky Queen,

pot was decriminalized in 13 states.

I can't tell you how I felt about that.

So I have to be very, very careful.

You ask me why I make these movies, I'll tell ya.

A buck is a buck, you know?

Uh, well, I sorta got into my work

because I was always interested in the visual side

of perception because I was always a little hard of hearing.

You know, I make a good living.

Mom, you see this shirt, the material, the bracelet?

$65.

I was also slightly blind when I was young

and I felt that by doing this

I could gradually improve my vision.

I mean, when I started I didn't even know

what an f-stop was, and now I practically am one.

I don't fool around with dumb stories.

My movies have depth, and you know, the people are real.

I like real people.

Beautiful, go, have a good time.

Bugs don't smoke!

Yo, wait a minute, what's this?

It's a...

What, what?

I'm askin', what?

It's a mutation!

You mean a mutant?

It's not a mutant, it's a gorilla!

This is not a gorilla!

This is a, it's an atomic mutation simian.

I got it for nothing.

A mutation simian.

It's so tacky!

My fans expect style from a Mary McQueen production!

Relax.

There, you happy now?

It's alright, I don't know.

I'm too nice.

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Mary, that was fantastic!

Symphony of violence in motion!

You were incredible.

Now let's set up the next shot.

Mary, are you alright?

Yes, Jesus Christ!

Call my agent!

No, call my lawyer.

Your lawyer, Mary...

Don't touch me, P.G.

I'm gonna sue you.

You're not gonna get away with this!

Maybe we should hold up on these stunts

till, uh, we know what's going on.

Wait a minute, P.G., wait a minute!

I worked for three weeks on this script,

you can wait for three minutes to hear me out!

What is this?

I didn't write that!

This is crap!

Look at all this junk all over the place.

I didn't object when you changed

my 1950s movie into science fiction.

From you, I expect that.

But my name's going on this picture and this

is the biggest piece of shit you ever made!

Erich, come here, wherever you are!

Look, come here.

Our writer says that we're shitting on his concept

and he's making me very upset.

You tell the writer, P.G., that we've taken

his empty, flacid, stupid little story

and firmed it up into a pulsating, penetrating,

thrusting, unflinching look into the future.

When I give you action, I want you to pull up

about five feet, Candy, and stop, you got that?

Yeah.

Ready Candy?

Ready.

Alright, roll the camera!

Rolling!

Mutants, out of the way!

And action!

Car stop!

The brakes are gone!

Ah, move, out of the way, please!

The truck, the truck, oh, holy shit.

Hurry up.

Bring the camera, bring the camera.

Look out.

I'm not even minimum wage!

Why am I doing this?

We won't be back for lunch!

Call it runaway car scene take one.

Slow down, slow down!

Bobbi, what are you doing?

He's filming us.

Keep shooting, this is good stuff.

No, no, no, not that way!

This way!

I can't see her face!

Bobbi, do something!

Look out, explosives!

Oh no!

This is your close up, Candy, look pretty!

Smile, that's it, lot's of teeth!

Very nice!

Get out of the way, you're in the shot.

Get outta the way!

Where are we, anyway?

Shit!

Miracle pictures!

The only fucking miracle about your pictures

is if anybody lives through 'em.

Now we can't get hysterical, we gotta remain...

I mean, shit!

I'm no pussy!

I mean, I thought the derby was tough,

but this is ridiculous.

I promise you, we'll be a little

more careful in the future, alright?

The future!

P.G., you just don't understand!

People are dying!

How can you be so cold-blooded

when it's your responsibility?

What are you collecting the insurance on this or something?

I can't work for you anymore!

You quit?

If you quit, it is over, everything is over!

I am through!

We'll manage.

Get over here.

I want you to listen to me.

Sit down.

Bobbi, I have got everything tied up in this film.

My house, my money, my car, everything.

I mean, I owe a fortune.

If you leave, the picture is dead, Miracle Pictures is dead,

and I am worse than dead, I'm in jail.

Oh Christ.

Look, can't you just do this

one last picture for me, please?

I don't know, P.G., I just...

Look, I gotta keep making pictures!

It's what I gotta do.

Okay, this one picture and that's it.

That's it.

Okay baby.

I love you.

Listen, just relax.

I'll see ya later, alright?

It'll be alright.

Now Godzina, all through the

picture Candy has rebuffed you.

And in this scene, your motivation is to make

her understand that for you, it's really love.

And while you're at it, I want you to step

on as many people as possible.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

What, now?

Retakes?

Oh shit, you're kidding me.

Okay, I'll be over in just a few minutes.

Hello?

Anybody?

Hello?

Oh, Candy, you scared me!

Where is everybody, are we early?

What is this, method acting or something?

Hey Candy, come on.

Hey, you're freaking me out.

Come on, what the...

No!

No!

Ah!

Jesus, you scared me.

Well the door was open.

Have the police come up with anything on Bobbi, yet?

Are you kidding?

I think they're still working on the theory

she was cleaning her knife and it went off accidentally.

And what's your theory?

Well I'm down to two actresses, you and Mary.

So maybe somebody's trying to put me out of business.

Or put Miracle Pictures out of business.

Are you kidding?

They couldn't buy this kind of publicity.

They couldn't be that low.

Hey, that's show biz.

I wouldn't be surprised if P.G.

was doing this for the publicity.

Yeah, but the parachute, the car, the bullet,

all the props are Scotty's responsibility.

Then there's Erich, who's always

behind the cameras filming everything.

And what about Mary?

Mary would love to see us all killed.

God am I glad we're out of this

whole thing once and for all.

What do you mean, we?

Well you certainly aren't going

to go back and work for them, are you?

As a matter of fact, it's kind

of interesting around Miracle Pictures.

Might make good material.

You ghoul!

And I don't want you to quit either!

Oh, you don't, huh?

Candy, take it easy.

My friends are getting bumped off like politicians,

and you think it's kinda interesting?

Well I think it's kinda sick!

Where the hell are you going?

I'm going home to pack, because I am moving out.

Looks like you're next.

Listen, this is a dog eat dog business,

and nobody's gonna eat me, you!

Give mother back her bracelet.

Come on!

Fancy, no growling, mommy's on the telephone.

Hello, Mary?

Say, is Candy with you?

Candy?

No, what makes you think she'd be here?

Well, I'm kinda worried about her.

I'm very happy that you're worried about her, Walter.

Why aren't you worried about me, hmm?

Are you still working for me?

I haven't heard from Miracle Pictures,

I haven't received my check,

and I wanna discuss the billing.

Her name is just as large as mine.

Mary, she called here a little while ago,

and she was so upset I couldn't

understand what she was talking about.

What are you trying to say, Walter?

She said something about she thought she knew

who the killer was but she didn't know what to do.

What makes you think she'd call me?

I don't know, but she did say she

wanted to talk to you about something.

Um, why no, she hasn't called here.

Do you have any idea where she might be?

No, I...

No, wait a minute.

She could be up at the Hollywood sign.

She says she likes to go up there to think.

Walter, listen, I've got to walk the dog.

If she calls, I'll let you know, okay?

Alright, bye-bye, honey.

Thanks.

You seen Candy?

Yes and no.

What does that mean?

Just what I said, yes and no!

Hey, enough romance.

Okay, can we see the rushes now?

Right, P.G.

Roll 'em!

Watch this.

That's pretty good.

If cars had agents, I coulda been a millionaire.

Well I guess that's it.

That's real, isn't it?

This isn't my material.

Shut up, it's better than any of your stuff.

Ain't that a kick in the head,

I was just talking to her on the phone.

Mary, I shoulda known it!

Where was she when she called?

Oh Christ, I sent her after Candy.

What?

I told her she was probably

up there by the Hollywood sign.

You get the cops, I'll head up there, and move it, Walter!

Candy!

Mary!

God dammit.

Candy!

Mary, he's got a gun!

It won't stop me.

Drop it, Mary.

You're the last.

You'll never be a star now, you little cunt.

To Hollywood!

Miss Wednesday, how can you describe

the unanimous rave reviews you received

on your latest film?

Well, I suppose I was just perfect for the part.

In fact, you played yourself, didn't you?

I mean, the film was made

from your experiences in Hollywood?

Mine, and others.

Thank you, Walter.

About this script.

This newcomer, Patrick Hoby...

Hobby.

Oh yes, he certainly turned in a remarkably realistic job.

Yes, Patrick.

Boy, she's taller in person.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah, Patrick really did a swell job on all his research.

In fact, he had this old pool house.

Well, we really aren't interested

in that this evening, are we?

Look Harvey, it was your idea to take Bimbo

out of the office in the first place.

I still say the elephant's an ingrate,

but you bring him back tomorrow, we'll talk it over,

maybe I'll get him something in Sabugo's Game.

Oh, thank you.

You really handle that tray nice.

Oh thank you, actually I'm not a waiter, I'm a robot.

Oh yeah?

Candy, I've got a rather personal question for you?

Do you achieve regular multiple orgasms?

Have you been in pictures?

Not recently, I don't do nudity.

Hey, an actor.

Miracle Pictures is gonna do a remake of Gone with the Wind.

Let me hear you say, frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

Uh, not quite.

You ever do any belly dancing?

No.

High wire work?

No.

I bet you give a great Swedish massage.

And we fade out, the end!

Cut!

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