All language subtitles for Alteritats.2023.WEBRip-YTS

Those who will be born later,
the others won't forget.

Everything we learned can be told.

Speaking
in a secretly inherited language

of transhumance, craftswomen,
Amazons and witches.

History, our history,
is told inward,

but you have come here,

moved by a desire
that will allow you to listen.

Our desire does not know
the law of the World

already forgotten while being learned.

Clarity was imposed on us,
and yet we grew up in mystery.

If I take us out
from this absurd light of the day

that leaves no folds,
and I rescue the night,

who will fear more? You or I?

Those born after us
will cast a sigh towards me,

who loved with profound determination,
towards you, my desire.

OTHERNESS

Good morning!

Let's have breakfast.
Are you hungry?

Look at this nice breakfast
we prepared.

Like every day...

Look how good it is.

It's coming. But look,
you have one in there already.

Look at this.

What is it? Yes!

This juice is so good.

- Huh?
- This juice is really good.

Yes, strawberry and orange
is a good combination.

We should make more.

We're going to Mirador del Migdia.
Do you want to come?

- I wanted to work.
- Work?

To do some coursework and all this.

And if I have time
I'll go to the pool for a moment,

and pay
and say we're not going today.

Well,
today our cutie pie starts swimming.

And we have a situation
that Carla will luckily manage.

And that is, for me, of course,
going to a swimming pool...

Changing rooms and all of that
is something…

we were talking about transition,
of the different phases…

I suppose there will be a day
when I will dare to it.

In fact I have already been
in a women's locker room once.

There in Tarrega.

- But of course it's a...
- Accompanied by people you knew.

- Accompanied by people I knew.
- And LGBTI people.

Yes, it was an environment...

There were more trans people
around there,

it was an easy environment.

But, of course,
it's a part of the upbringing

that I'm sadly missing out.

And at the same time, well...
some burden that I can't take on,

it has both things:
It is something

that Carla must take care of right now

and that I'm missing out.

I mean,
because being in a swimming pool...

You'll have a great time.
So much fun.

Okay, I keep the little one, thanks.
Very generous of you.

I find it very amusing
to be able to say

that the child
has two biological mothers.

People don't get it, it's so funny.
Two biological mothers, how?

Open your mind!

We said this to a lady in Mallorca.
We told her, "Open your mind!"

And she said,
"But how, what are you saying?"

So funny...

Because that lady…
I think she never saw me

as trans, that rarely happens,

but sometimes happens
that people don't see me as trans.

Well, it is like this.

We are two dykes, who were lucky

that we didn't have to go through...

Through the whole
reproductive process, right?

The in vitro and all of that… Well…

Assisted reproduction.

In Canada I first looked
like straight,

because I had long hair,
when I cut my hair,

suddenly I was a lesbian.

Suddenly I have long hair again,
I'm straight, so...

I didn't stop. Are we judging people
by their haircuts?

In fact, when I cut my hair,
I couldn't stop flirting.

So heavy.

They see me as an Indian person.

They don't see me as a person

whose sexuality they can say
straight-forwardly that is straight,

because queer gay
or lesbian people don't exist in India.

According to many people,
and that's not true.

In fact, India has been colonized,
has been destroyed

by the colonization of white people,
oppressed…,

in every issue
related to sexuality in India,

and India was a very queer place,

very gay, very lesbian before this.

The femphobia is very strong.

I don't know, it is pure hatred
towards women.

Being a lesbian person,

I don't understand
how they can have femphobia in a way.

How can you hate women to be women

the way they want to be,
and then go to bed with women?

I don't understand,
but well, it's something that I don't...

I don't regret it that much anymore.

When I was young I wanted

to refuse this fem part.

If they don't like that I'm fem now,
go to hell, you know?

These are things
that I'm not worried about right now.

It's so funny
that you're making a second…

a second impression of me, you know?

It's so cool.

- It is moving.
- Yeah,

maybe the caliber of the plate
is not so good.

Well, it's a 3D that is organically weird,
hard to print.

It's gonna be pretty basic.

Basically what happens to me
is that my whole life…

has been an experiment.

I always considered myself a cyborg
because I never did what was expected,

neither for a woman
nor for a man nor for...

I mean neither for a lesbian woman
nor for...

So, my life has always been
an experiment

in which I have brought
my body to the extreme,

I have experimented to the maximum
everything I could, by putting...

objects inside my body,

taking my body to the extreme
at a level of pain, for example.

And all of this, for me, is what makes up
a cyborg entity and a trans entity

that likes to experiment.

How do you see yourself?

Aligned.

Well, it could be any girl, though.

Compare her to the other one.

Yes.

The most stable thing
in my life is change.

I love it.

Yes, 2019 - 2022.

Yes.

Missing the curly moment in between.

What made me run away
from the city was, on the one hand,

a very big feeling of emptiness
that I had at that moment.

This whole political world I was in…

Assemblies, activities and so on,
they didn't fulfill me.

I didn't feel that it made me happy.

I felt empty, you know.

Also the relationships…
Even though I shared with a lot of people,

these relationships were not deep.
In the end...

they were quite concrete.

With my friends, of course, but...

The rest, we would meet
to carry out activities

and then I knew almost nothing
about the other person.

And I felt it like an internal call
to go towards...

the countryside.

Get out of there.
Get out! Go outside.

Shall I do that?

A little kick here and there.

I mean,
I also like to be mistaken for a boy.

I find it very funny
when the ladies tell me,

"Hey, boy!" And... I like it.

I mean, it doesn't bother me.

It also seems

that when this happens to you,
when they confuse your gender,

it's like the worst thing
that can happen to you,

that they say to you.

In the sense of getting out,
from that identity, from that role.

Have you ever thought about taking hormones
or microtransitioning or similar?

Well I think that if I were
in the more urban context,

the fact of transiting or taking hormones
would have been surely…

easier, you know?

And maybe I would be on that path,

but also because the context
always conditions, you know?

And it always can push you to look,

to try.

But the truth is that...

Well, I like the way I am,
I have no need to change.

More milk.
I need more milk, it's too thick.

- More milk?
- Yes, it's too thick.

More milk, more milk.

Pour a good amount.

A good stream.

Enough.

This can go…

We are neither man nor woman,
it's another story.

Ours is different.

We already had that perception
of running away from stereotypes.

We did want to create
our culture,

make just a lesbian culture,
but how?

We wanted to create it from us,

and we were getting things
from abroad

because maybe abroad
they were more advanced than us.

We also brought those. Books.

We were very lucky to be able to go

to the feminist book fairs
that were held...

in Amsterdam, in Berlin.

It was held in Barcelona in the 90's,
we went to Australia…

With the books
you could certainly know…

With the workshops and the talks
you could share and see.

And also here, we were trying
to reproduce whatever it was

within the lesbian world.

Because it was very clear for us.

We wanted to live the experience
of a separatist world

because it was our idea
and it was our desire.

Although
it has never quite come to fruition

but we did define ourselves,
and we still do,

and I still do
even though I can't practice it at all,

but I still define myself
as a lesbian separatist.

But, of course,

society also marks you the priorities
and the moment, the environment and...

And you do what you can.

How would you define
lesbian separatism?

How would you define it?

To make it clear for people
who don't know what it is.

Yes. What is lesbian separatism?

Well, it is a radical idea
that lesbianism goes to the extreme

of only having relationship and action
and interaction with women.

And in a world that could be
totally of women and lesbians,

where women would have no patriarchal
influences and patriarchal role models

that could mark us.

The desire is that you could be
totally autonomous,

totally yourself.

But it is also a kind
of an inner perception.

It is not only a physical action
in a life or material level.

It is also an inner perception
of saying: I am capable.

I don't need patriarchal models

that have crushed us so far
in order to be able to follow them.

And now my computer is restarting,
I don't know what was wrong with it.

But as I have the flash drive here…
Look, I'll pass you this one and...

and you are going to put
one of the three.

- All three.
- Okay.

I'm missing... We're at the 6th.

Okay? So we did physical violence
and sexual violence 1.

And we're missing these.

And finish tying these two together
that are mixed up a little bit.

For example, at the very beginning…

Do you have the right title?

Yeah, we can go to the first one…
you see?

Here.

- Muse?
- Yeah, it's an agency from New York.

They contacted you?

I have a casting tomorrow.

- Wow.
- Amazing.

The New York one is online,

but I do it from Francina's computer

because they want me to be there.

They say my house has bad lighting.

Okay.

- Come on, they're right.
- Yes, they're right.

So they're both online?
One is in Francina and…?

One is in person. The London one
is with them tomorrow at Francina.

Okay wow.

I didn't even search these agencies,

it would be nice do it,
because I haven't checked them.

It's great, baby.

When I was younger
it was very contradictory for me

to think that I like women,
and I'm a Muslim.

It was more of Islam
and my culture,

of what my family would say, right?

That is to say,
as a child I always grew up

with the typical feast of the lamb,
the end of Ramadan,

the birth of the prophet
or things like that.

And I like all this.

Being with your family, the happiness
of having spent a month together,

so intimate, you know,
the whole family together to eat.

I like all these things.

But I think that Islam,

as in any religion
and almost any practice,

has been very much modified by men
and it's been very much changed…

Yes, by cis men.

So how can a book
that was interpreted

by a man can represent me?

That's the relationship
I have now with Islam.

For me, religion in its purity
is just peace.

It's a book of advice,
just like the Bible and the Torah

and a book of Buddhism
won't say you shall not drink or kill.

I mean, if the police can fine you
for killing,

why can't Islam "condemn" you
for killing?

But in the end I don't believe

that everything is based
on being good or being bad,

but it's a guide, a book of advices

to be able to act correctly
in this life.

That's why I don't consider
that smoking a joint is haram,

or drinking alcohol is haram.

It's haram
because you are harming your body,

but it is not haram
because alcohol is haram, you know?

So I don't consider it wrong either,

for a person with pussy
to eat another pussy

and a person with a penis
to suck another penis.

Because in the end
as long as I'm not hurting anyone,

or myself or whatever pronoun
you want to say, you know?

…and I could DJ.

Wait a minute, no kidding,

when the Poble Sec parties
were going on,

I was thinking, "I want to DJ
in the festivities of my neighborhood

and I want to DJ in Os de Balaguer."

- Okay.
- But I see it so feasible.

Yes, it is.

I don't think they have
a lot of people saying,

"I want to DJ in Os de Balaguer."

No, and besides they will say,
"Oh, how exotic", you know?

They don't know
I'm your girlfriend in your town.

Well, your friends do.

But they'll say,
"Is that black girl Gina's cousin?"

No, they know we are not cousins.

Well, they know we are…
so they'll think we're friends.

I don't know.

It would be very funny.

I don't know
what connections they can make

with the little amount of black people
in your town.

Well, friend or girlfriend.

That is you. Well, girlfriend.

We act friendly in public.

- In my town?
- Yes.

But we've already been there
many times.

Yes, but just with your friends.

But when we walk
through the village in general.

Because I don't like people
who are very gossipy.

- Gossipy.
- It's true.

I threw it there, girl,
you don't get anything.

Come on, look, over there.

Where is it? It's here.

Alright.

I don't take hormones as a trans boy,
I do it…

For example, if a trans guy
applies 8 daily doses of cream,

I take four,
and sometimes I even take three,

and sometimes I take two.

I'm a bit…

in a limbo, a bit like in the limit
of neither one thing nor the other,

and well,
there are no studies that talk about

what is happening with the body.

Well, there are, but very few,

and it is not very well known,

but it is something that can be done,
I am the proof of that.

Now it's been a week without hormones
and I'm waiting like this…

Well, I've been
progressively stopping it.

Why did you stop taking hormones?

Because…
Well, the truth is because,

since I had the recording on Friday,

I said, maybe if I stop taking them
my voice will clear up a bit.

But it's not true,
so that the vocal folds…

once the vocal cords change,
they don't go back to...

It is one of these things
that are irreversible.

It's an irreversible change.

But I do it a lot.

Suddenly I feel like
stopping taking hormones.

And suddenly I want to go back,
and now

I want to stop taking them
and I'm doing it.

My mother says
that I play too much with my body,

but I think that if I have a body,
it's for something, right?

To play with it.

Girl, not here!

The fact I have waited ten years…

Putting up with my own body,
day after day,

meant for me
that when I decided to take hormones,

I was very happy and I didn't wanna change
anything about my own body.

This doesn't mean I can't say tomorrow
"Oh, shit,

I don't feel comfortable
with my boobs.

I want to take them off."

It doesn't mean that I can't do it,
because I can perfectly do it,

but I think it's given me
a sense of maturity

and having to put up with my body
in no other way,

and ending up loving the way it is
and the choices it gives me

and the opportunities it gives me.

Because in the end I was very afraid

of ending up changing myself
for others,

not for me.

And I have come to the conclusion
that I don't want to change myself.

It is the rest who must change.

I wanted to show you a T-shirt
my friend Borja Pony made for me.

Now I can't untie the… Okay

Girls with guns.

It's getting old a little bit,
It makes me a bit sad.

Anyway,
I wore it for the occasion today.

I really like to wear it normally
when I'm dressed in a suit,

with suit pants
and suddenly this T-shirt,

that shows off my boobies
and it says Girls with guns.

If I have something important
from work or something.

Look at a heron!
That black and white one. You see it?

It's down here,
look how beautiful it is.

Looks like a seagull eh.
Have you seen it?

It's hiding.

Our plan to raise without gender,

is something we didn't discuss much

because it was practically
obvious and unavoidable.

In fact, if you look
at trans couples in which one…

at least one
of the two people is trans,

it's a very common thing.

The day our baby was born,

you are so happy, you know?

You call your mother,
"Well, congratulations grandma!"

Everything is fine but she says,
"Your father wants to talk to you."

And he goes and tells me,

"Well, it's just that this
you're doing is not good at all!"

It's okay you're not telling us
if it's a boy or a girl,

but we want to know
if it's male or female.

Male or female!

"We have to be able to say it!"

As if it were a right.
Because, of course, what a shame!

"What a shame when we're asked
and we don't know what to say."

They have to accept it,
and sooner or later they end up doing it,

although they didn't always fully agree
with what we have asked them.

And in the end
we got tired of asking.

I mean… I don't know…

But, well, with this situation,

three days after the baby was born,

of course there was a very odd
atmosphere in our family.

They didn't come to visit us
as there was COVID.

A good thing was
that visitors couldn't come to the hospital

and this gave us
a much-needed peace of mind.

But three days later,
when we were home,

chatting on Whatsapp
with my mother,

she told she was very sad,
she couldn't stop crying,

because she couldn't explain
what was the gender and so

and then
I had not yet come out of the closet

and that was the moment
when I came out on WhatsApp.

I said, "Look, mom, let's see
if this way you understand it better".

And I was like "you really don't see,
it's been a few years now"

I don't even grow a beard,
that I don't...

That I always wear make-up,
that I dress feminine,

that Carla
always speaks to me in feminine,

and she refers to me in feminine.

Don't you see that these things
are happening?

And she, "Well, you have always been
very extreme",

and then chatted
about something else.

"Hey, mom,
I want to emphasize this,

you haven't noticed..."

And in the end I was like,

"I don't know how long ago
that I've been living as a girl,

that I feel like this,
that my name is Manoly,

that so and so."

And then the lady,
acting truly wonderfully,

she said,
"I don't know what to tell you now.

I can't get it, but I love you very much,
and we'll talk about it."

And that was it.

It's the best answer
that she could give me

if she was in shock.

And then one thing
she told me in the following days

when we were chatting,
she was very sorry.

She was for a long time
with the recurring idea,

that she felt a very deep sorrow
that she didn't realize before.

And for her too, I mean,
it was a liberation.

With my family
I had always led hidden lives,

I had never felt at ease
or with the capacity to open up.

And now the relationship
has improved a lot after this.

Well, they think
and do their thing,

and although they don't fully get it,
and they don't know how to deal

with the gender-neutral parenting,
it does make more sense.

And as a result of that they look at it
from a more respectful point of view

and careful with our views.

Well, I think
it's a place that really…

I mean, I was very much against
the whole issue of ableism,

linked to the image
and the understanding they make

of the child's behavior.

It's the same as with gender
there is an erroneous vision, right?

Well, the ableism vision
for me was also wrong.

But in reality it is something
that if you look at it outside of…

of being as if you were observing
some deficits, that is to say...

I mean, outside of this understanding
it's cool

and I think all children
should have access to, right?

Especially all mothers and fathers

because it is still
an accompaniment

when you have no idea, right?
Because you are a novice.

And it is an accompaniment
to development.

You basically go there to play, right?

And they tell you things.

They give you clues, right?

Things you can do, I don't know,
it's been good for us,

for me and Carla as adults, you know?

To gain skills.

I usually read about topics
that are pretty much the same,

but then I like to read
this kind of stuff.

I would love to read Stephen Hawking,
for example,

it's interesting.

We are already in my neighborhood.

My father,
well, he might know because once,

I remember when I was very young,
when I was 22 or so,

I was about to go on a date.

I was at my father's house
and then I was going on a date.

So I was putting on my makeup,
getting ready, I don't know.

And my father said,
"Where are you going?"

I'm going to see my friend Kathleen…

"Oh, that's so cool!
What are you going to do?"

"Well, we'll have dinner".

"You're looking very pretty.
Is it a date?"

And I suddenly got very nervous.

I don't know why I didn't expect that
from my father.

My father is a guy who doesn't ask
about a lot of things, like a basic guy.

He doesn't ask at all, you know?
Super basic.

Then, all of a sudden,
my dad comes in, he's worried,

not worried, but asking about me,
my romantic life, I don't know.

It made me very nervous.

I don't know,
it was a moment where...

Now I always think
of that moment,

because it could have been
a really cool moment,

when I could've talked to him,
came out of the closet, all this stuff.

But I was so in shock
that I didn't seize the moment.

"No, no, no, no way!",

and then I closed the bathroom door,

and I was like super nervous,
I ran out of his house.

We never spoke again about that day,
even though I'd like to,

but now it's been like 10 years.

I'm not going back to my dad,

"Do you remember 10 years ago
when you asked me

if I was going on a date with the girl?

Well, I had a date with a girl,
and she was my girlfriend."

I also think that my blood family

is not my family either,
they're my family that doesn't know.

In the end they don't know
much about me.

You know?
My family is my gay, queer family,

rainbow family that...

they really know me.

Look me in the eye. Close here.

- Here.
- Okay, it's going away.

- Here!
- Yes!

But not with the head,
only with the eyes.

What a beautiful chin.

It was like...
I don't know whether to call it a crush.

Does that really exist?

It hadn't happened to me
with another person,

but it was like a connection of...
"I want to know, I want to know"

and obviously physically
I loved them and I love them.

With hair, without hair,
with skirt and with pants

I mean... A lot.

I don't know,
it was like a I want to know more,

I wanna meet them and wanna know more,
I wanna have them around.

I'm sorry.

Why didn't you do it in the middle?

I didn't either.
Because I don't like it.

Okay.

- Do you want me to do it for you?
- No.

That day…

The day you came with your friend,

- you left your ID card around here.
- Okay.

And I went to see
your name to call you by your name

and not to say: "Hey!,
you left your ID card".

And then I was super worried that…

I mean,
it's kind of complicated to tell this.

We didn't introduced ourselves.

We didn't know our names.

And, of course, at that time,
I mean, I had a lot of problems...

I didn't know if she liked girls,

or didn't like girls,

or who she liked.
I didn't even know if...

What was your life,
I didn't know anything.

And then of course.
Since I already have some experience

with people rejecting you just because
you are the way you are,

not just for being a lesbian

or for being trans
or for being non-binary

or being whatever you are,

not for how you are on the inside.

Well, I was really afraid
that she would be biased.

That she'd say,
"I don't even want to meet this person

because this person is a deviant,

some form of otherness, right?"

There are
a lot of people like that, honey,

you're not like that,
but there are many people like that,

and I've come across many people
during my life.

And the truth is you get to a point
that you close yourself off and say,

"I don't want to meet
these kind of people."

Or, "I'll try to get
through this suffering"

of they getting to know me
as I am and like me,

and open their mind
and tell them…

People... I mean,
but in her case,

of course I didn't know what...

I mean,
I didn't know what she was like.

And so I was very afraid

that she would know that I was
non-binary and she would get scared.

Lower a little, no, the eye.

Much better, thank you, love.
I love it.

In all the communities I've lived in,
well, not all of them, but...

yes, there were dykes.

For me it's super important
that there are dykes

in the communities, and nearby,

because they have another vibe.

The communication,
the language, the jokes,

I mean,
it's your identity, isn't it?

It's like...

So everywhere I've been
there were dykes.

I'll get some water later,

because I was a little absent-minded
and I left a tap running.

- You emptied it all.
- I know.

There doesn't seem to be much oil.

- I think there must be some.
- Is it two-stroke oil?

- No, it's engine oil.
- Okay.

- Well, there it is.
- Great.

And vroom, vroom, vroom.

And that's it.

And the truth is
that I've always had the desire

or tried to project the whole issue
of the relational hierarchy

and to have
some big affective networks, right?

It seems that if you don't have
a sex-affective bond,

the bond isn't that strong.

I've seen a lot of friends suffer
a lot too,

who had a bond with someone
and that person disappeared.

It's a very interesting topic.

You know, I would like to have this.

My ideal couple
is three of us at least, you know?

Because this way,
I have my time for me.

And, I don't know,
everything is more diluted.

But I also think that...
I mean, I used to think a lot too…

about the collective upbringing.

You start from that ideal,
and then you see it doesn't work,

that the mother is the mother
and the baby is the baby

and they have a bond
that you can share and be there,

but it's not that easy.

There are other things,
and it's also cool

to let things be like that.

Anyway, the ideal is there too
and it's cool.

I was out there living
and people started to say,

"Alf is coming with some goats!"

And I said, "Who is this?
Who is Alf with some goats?"

But you already knew it was me.
We've met before.

Yes, but I didn't remember
your name, actually.

Yeah, I'm very bad with names.

I didn't remember.

So from here on
we started living together.

- Living together.
- It made us love each other.

I love you very much,
we love each other.

I love you too.

This is our story.

And we do a lot together.

- Yes, of course.
- In the end,

we are our dyke team
in the area.

- There used to be more dykes around.
- From the municipality!

There were a few of us.

Me and Alf could have made out,

because we like
more or less the same things.

We have a lot in common,
but we live together too.

And then sometimes I think,

"Okay, I may like Alf a lot

because of the way Alf is."

But I don't want our living space
to stop being a safe space

so we have to start taking care of it.

"Listen, there's this girl coming
to spend a weekend with me",

then she may say,
"Shoot, I don't want to see that."

- Or something like that.
- Yes, of course.

It's a big deal.
So Alf becomes a person who doesn't...

- Better to build a friendship.
- Yes.

And then the same thing
with Casanova, you know?

The thing is
you can be with someone,

and I don't feel like being
with that person,

because I don't like endogamy.

And if you you make out
with three people

then there's no one else here.

- It's the truth.
- Yes, it's like that.

And there is no one in Valls.

And if there is, she's also a friend
of a friend of yours

or she's an ex of an ex of yours

and wee're back
in the topic of endogamy.

And if you get into apps,
what you get is a reality.

The rural areas are deserted

and that what young people do
is to go to the city.

And then you think,
I have come to live here.

I don't want to create
an emotional bond

or I don't feel like creating
an emotional bond with someone

who is more than an hour away by car,

and on top of that, the economic expense
that involves getting there and back.

Lesbos was...

I was fifty years round,
sorry, sixty!

Yes because we celebrated your...

60th birthday.
She came to my birthday.

And I didn't know
whose birthday was.

And she didn't know
who was celebrating the birthday.

I signed up for the birthday
because when they did one there,

they brought little things,
everybody participated…

And they told me,
"It's her birthday".

I didn't even know her name,
and I signed up to eat ham.

I still remember.

This happened
at the bar La Nostra Illa.

We turned 60 in March,

and this was in August.

It was a year,

since I had left a second partner I had.

For eight years.

We split up.

Our goals were not the same
and it was over.

And I had been single
for a year and a half.

For year and a half
that I was available,

I had no intention of formalizing

a continuous, serious,
monogamous relationship,

with a single woman.

I had no intention, I was in no hurry.

What do you mean by that?

I mean that I wanted no commitment
of mandatory loyalty.

I didn't want to just be a...

a couple, I didn't want to go back
to having a steady partner again,

so to say.

But things were the way they were.

But the relationship was a bit scary
at the beginning.

I mean, for each of us,

you were fine with the other person,

but we both wanted to live alone.

So there was a rational part

that said "let's see what happens".

And another said, "Right now?"

Start and change everything,
but I'm fine now,

I mean, why do I have to change things

if there could be problems later,

I'm fine, I'm on my own",

and she thought the same.

So we were saying, "Shoot…"

To the point that this year
we couldn't stand it any longer

and we got married.

True, I didn't remember!

We got married more legally than…

Yes.

And then, of course, we went there
to sign the papers

and they told us
that we had to go to a judge,

that we have to say some things.

But it's not necessary,
we sign the paper and that's it.

Well no,
the lady did like a mini wedding

because they wouldn't let
all the people in.

Because it was in full pandemic,
on March, May!

- My son came.
- And my sister.

And her sister,
and then, when it was time to...

- The two of them signed.
- And then we ate a little bit...

- We went for lunch, and that's it.
- That's what we did.

Has the idea of love changed in you

as lesbians over the years?

Or has it not?
Or has it stayed the same?

Referring to what that people say,
"when you grow up you'll see."

When you grow up you'll see,
I don't know what you have to see.

Because what does it mean to grow up?

Love stays the same,
because attraction and desire,

if it's alive and new,
then it's like this at 60, 50 and 70.

Sincerely it has not changed for me

and that idea of reason and prudence
and be cautious,

maybe this does make you a bit...

Age slows you down a little bit,
it makes you be a little more prudent.

And maybe the experience
from before, well...

- Of course, it's important.
- Yes.

But, you know,
in fact we jumped in anyways.

Two. One space. Three.

Names of murdered women.

Seventy...

We have to leave
a space, just in case.

Up to October 31.

- Women killed.
- So far.

For some women, being at home

doesn't mean peace, but violence.

This one is missing.

You can also put it.
I can put it too.

Okay, this one and this one.

Send by Whatsapp.

Okay, let's see.

Okay, but let's do it
where we have put the mark.

And we work around this,
if later we see we don't, then...

As today they will have the lights.

Maybe they can orient themselves better.

Sure. That's it.

There's no better mark
than a spotlight, you know?

My mother worked it out,
her dream was always to be a grandmother.

She wanted to be a grandmother

and between this and the fact
that she felt bad for not seeing me...

For not having seen me before
how I was and her desire to establish...

a strong relationship
with her daughter, right?

All her life she has always sought
to understand me.

And she never understood me.

And now all of a sudden,
she had a door to understand me deeply,

to understand many things, right?

And the truth is
that I am very happy

of the role she has played.

I remember one day
that really touched me.

We were having lunch at her house,
and she came to me,

"Well, Manoly, look..."

Do you remember this bracelet
that we gave you and your sister

when you were eighteen years old?

A horrible gold bracelet
that I put away...

I don't want this,
and I never used it.

It had written my deadname on it,
and when she told me this I was,

"Mum, don't fuck it up".

Don't bring that jewel back
because I don't want it.

And suddenly she gave it to me,
it's this one here.

The lady had taken it

to a jewelry store
to have the name changed.

And it is still ugly as hell
because it is,

but I've never taken it off since then
because it's so beautiful.

I mean, that gesture was…
Carla and I were there like...

What's just happened?!

I mean, how cool is that?
Isn't it wonderful?

And then I knew that's it, right?
That's it.

Now she have to assume
that I'm a lesbian,

I don't know
if she's thought about it,

I haven't told her either,
"Mom, I'm a lesbian",

I mean, it's a closet
that I didn't have to come out from.

I'm thinking we won't go upstairs...

I'll try to see what happens
if I take them like this...

It's closer anyway,
to see how it goes.

Like fake it from underneath.

We'll put this here,
if it works, great, and if it doesn't...

This is
what I wanted to tell you before.

I know.

Anyway, it doesn't get too hot.

No, nothing.

I lose my train of thought.

We got a very nice technician,
but he's so patronizing…

I'm telling you things
that you already know.

You never get out of this one.
There is always someone

who exudes good vibes.

You know that already.

The only time I've...

Does Kokoko ring a bell?

No, with a K?

I don't know if it's familiar for Joko
or like Kokoko...

- I mean, Joko as in...
- With Ks.

They have released a movie
and they will release it today

or they will do something today
and I wanted to go,

to tune my musical ear.

Will you come to sleep later?

Yes, I told you so.

Cool, I want to cuddle.

Okay.

Some cuddles.
Give me some cuddles.

I'm good with that.

Cuddles.

Basically the judgment
that we can receive

from people from the Afro community,

especially older people,

is that they are critical within,
I wouldn't even say ignorance,

but within what they have in society.

If one grows up in a Muslim society,

back in Senegal, for example,
which is what I can talk about

because that's what I know.

Even if you are not Muslim,

you are in a majority Muslim country.

So there are a lot of things
that have crossed over from religion

to the culture as such, you know?

So it's not an attack like
"You fucking dyke!",

but the thought of:
These European girls…

These African girls
who have grown up in Europe,

have adopted
the bad habits of Europe.

From the West.

For example, I actually know
that with my mother,

all her drama comes
from this sentence I just said.

It is not that she thinks
that I am committing a sin.

It's more like I've let my daughter
to be poisoned by Europe.

And it's something
that makes me laugh a lot,

especially from people
like our parents.

My mother now is very religious.

And you say that Islam
has never been instilled in you…

First of all,
is what I said the other day,

if you raise a daughter or a son
with a white person,

there's a lot of things
you have to expect.

And if the child is raised in that country,
I don't know,

you better lock me in the house
to memorize the Koran.

Then maybe
I wouldn't come out as dyke,

but I think I would
and knowing the Koran.

I think we all have
a little bit of this duality

about your identity.

That's what you were saying,
for example,

when I go to Guinea,
I am 100% white there.

In Senegal, I am white
and as you can see I am not white.

Of course. It is due to the fact,

we have grown up here in Europe,

the way we are dressed,
the way we think,

is not the same as what they have.

So you're here
and you don't obviously just identify

with society because it's like...

No, not really.

So I think
that you have to build your identity...

Sometimes I've come to the conclusion
that it is not necessary to say,

"Well, I am such and such..."

Less labels.

Yes, it's a bit more ambiguous in a way…

I don't know, it's like I don't...

I don't want to end up
defining myself as Afrocatalan.

I don't know,
I don't want to put any label on it

because at the end of the day
nothing really represents me,

because there will always be...

I mean, even if I am Catalan

and I was born
with the Catalan culture,

somehow society has this racism

against people who are not white,

so I can't quite identify

with a society that in some way
is also rejecting me.

So it's like... Well, to find...

I think you need to find the way
that you feel comfortable

and also find people
with whom you can relate,

who share in some way
the same experience as you

and how to be comfortable
with this duality.

Sara Glossy! What's up?

Can you hear me?

- Yes, and you?
- Yeah, me too.

How many people are we?

We're like six, seven, eight, nine.
Maybe ten?

- Eight?
- More or less.

I don't think
the alcohol-free beers are needed.

Because there's a lot of things.

- You sure?
- Yes.

Then I'll get something else or…

We're fine.

- Sit dawn. Sat down?
- Sit down.

- Sit down over there.
- Sit dawn or sat down?

Sit down.

Sit dawn!

Sit down where you can.

Okay, this is coconut rice,
with beans and carrots.

All vegan.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Rosana, the salad for last, right?

- Huh?
- The salad for last, right?

It's here.

- I already got it.
- I also want some.

- The last thing. Thanks.
- It's there.

In my life not only have I had
to come out of the closet

and say I'm gay,
but I also had to come out

and say that I'm a whore and...

it's crazy
that there are people who...

There are whores, sorry, lesbians,

I made a mistake,
lesbians who don't accept this.

They have to come out of the closet
and live with discrimination,

and when I come out
saying I'm a whore,

it's like if they almost had forgotten

that they suffered
discrimination too, you know?

And this seems crazy to me.

I have experienced rejection
from lesbians talking about my work,

because maybe they see it as...

a betrayal to my sexuality, right?

Which really has nothing to do
with my sexuality.

My work has nothing to do
with my sexuality.

Our jobs in general

have nothing to do
with our sexuality.

It's kind of absurd to think that.

To say, "Oh, you are a nurse,
then you're gay, right?"

Our sexuality has nothing to do
with our work.

But since I work with my body
and I work with sex for my job...

They often relate that my sexuality
has something to do with it.

I love this square.

I have many doubts when it comes
to calling myself a lesbian,

because then someone will come and say,
"you can't be a lesbian because you…

You work with guys."

My job, obviously,
is sex work and it involves sex

with cis men.

I feel like there's
like a certain level of gatekeeping

and also that idea
of being a gold star lesbian,

is also a really good example
of gatekeeping, right?

Deciding who is really
a lesbian and who is not, right?

A gold star lesbian means

someone who has never ever
fucked a guy in her life.

And really if we think that,
then we exclude people who don't…

meet those requirements.

So a lot of lesbians
wouldn't be lesbians,

because a lot of people lived
in the closet or lived other lives

before they came out.

So gatekeeping

can affect
any truly marginalized group.

Like trans women,

racialized women,
women who are whores,

women with functional diversity.

And really...
Yeah, I don't know, it's something

that also happens in many spaces,

not only in the lesbian world,
obviously.

Another thing that they never bring up
is that I have women clients as well.

There are female clients.

There are female clients
who are wonderful.

And I don't know.

I know a lot
of very cool lesbians

who have been in a couple
for a lot of years,

and they've hired a whore.

I think that's awesome,
the coolest thing you can do.

You want a consultation
on something sexual,

why don't you… Oops!

If you want a sexual consultation
about something in your relationship,

why don't you go directly to a whore
who works with sex on a daily basis?

I think this is very cool.

I'm at a point in my life now that,
I haven't reached yet,

but I'm reaching it and above all,

and I'll repeat it a thousand times,
thanks to therapy,

which is knowing that they will talk
whatever you do.

And even more so being women
and more so in a Muslim society,

they will talk no matter what you do:
That you don't get married;

That you get married.

Like, that you send money,

that you don't send money,
why is she not?

Whatever you do, they will talk.
This is something that…

has always been
one of my biggest traumas,

I just didn't know what to do

to keep my society from talking.

They're going to talk.

If I wear blue, they'll talk;
I'm wearing pink, same;

I've shaved my head,
"she shaved her head"

but then four black girls do it,
"they shaved".

It's like... "you do you
and they solve their own problems".

What I am doing is exist
without them knowing, you know?

But without hiding it either,

because that is also another burden
that we are carrying.

At the time
when my Instagram was private,

if I posted pictures with my girlfriend
on Facebook,

because I used to do that,
"Friend, I love you so much."

Why should I be lying?

Just give the information
that you have to give.

I mean, on my Facebook,

which is where I have
all my family in Senegal,

I don't have any pictures with Gina.

I post my selfies on Facebook,

me on the beach,
me modeling and that's it.

My Instagram is open,
they can find it,

I'm not hiding anything,

but I post what I feel like it

because this is
my life from here, you know?

- What are you laughing at?
- Nothing.

Did your friends ever call you,
"Hey, lesbian!"?

Yes... My friends from Las Palmas.
My nicknames were black girl and lesbian.

But at that time
I didn't see it as a problem

until I started to deconstruct myself,
realizing that you can call me girl,

you can call me brown eyes,

you can call me short hair,
pink hair, yellow hair

because I used to have colored hair.

But you use black girl and lesbian?

It's like...
Your white privilege is showing off,

cause I'm not calling you "white boy!"

or white straight.

You should have.

A bag... this is too big.

Yeah, well, this.

OK. Toys, makeup, tooth brush,

What else?

When I arrive I like to put
all my stuff, like...

And, like, in the place... I don't know,

even if I'm not going to use it.

It's like a necklace.

Anyone who has
a dissident sexuality

is in danger
when we criminalize sex workers.

Because all of those things
are so intersectional.

It's impossible to separate it, right?

So, if we criminalize sex workers,

we're also criminalizing
trans people.

Queer people, gay people,
people with functional diversity.

So it is something
that we have to start thinking about,

we are not only fighting
for the rights of sex workers,

but so that we can all
have sexual freedom,

that we can do what we want
in our actions

as long as it is with consent.

My dates with queer people
have always been amazing,

very uplifting because maybe
there's a different kind of care.

For example,
different kind of understanding

also of what sex is.

And sex is not just focused
on the straight point of view

of penetration,
someone has to cum no matter what.

Dates are more sensual,
in general.

We try to connect in a way…

let's say
very deep way of connecting,

not only in a sexual way,
but also intellectually.

Or maybe
there's a different connection.

Obviously,
since I'm not a straight person,

when I'm on a date
with straight guys,

I feel like I'm role-playing.

Acting in a way
where I'm not really that authentic.

And when I'm on my dates
with queer people, well...

I don't have to do this acting thing,
being an actress,

to do a performance.

It's something more natural
and comes out more beautiful.

I don't think it's better or worse,

just that I feel better
not having to put on a show

or feel pressure
to do that performance, right?

Blackbird!

Let's see if the turtledoves come.

This one works the other way around,
I give them a little...

Well, today...

Also in the little houses too.

Oh, there are only husks.

They must be very hungry.

I'll catch you.

Well, let's see
if you don't get scared and come.

I think it is very important
to consider that you will grow old,

and that you have to get used to it,
you have to think about it

because, of course,
at the moment,

there are things
that we can no longer do,

and this makes you think
a little bit,

"Wow, this now, really?"

and instead
you still feel young in spirit.

But there are things you don't...
You can't.

When I didn't have a partner,
sometimes when you think about it

when you're alone,
you think about it.

Sure, you'll end up
in a nursing home.

But it's always been clear to me,
and that's what I've always thought,

even if it's
an all-gender nursing home,

that it would be
the last thing I would choose,

I will never go back to the closet.

No. Never.
I must be accepted or not accepted,

or I just don't go.

Because I had thought about it,
that I wouldn't...

Having to hide from being a lesbian

and having to change my life
or hide?

Please no,
unless another Franco comes along.

What are the advantages
of being a dyke.

One, of course, that you can have
sexual relations

without the worry
of having to create a life.

That this is a relief

from what I've been told
by my friends.

Having to create a life how?
Ah, to get pregnant, okay.

Bringing life to this planet.

The second one,
I invite the male gender people

to get their act together
with something, right?

That this body you also know it.

So… You understand each other,
you last longer too.

This also happens,
the other day we were talking about it,

that we don't get so tired,
that we can repeat.

This is a good advantage.

I also think an advantage

would be the fact that there are not
so many things written.

In the sense of what should be
a relationship between two people

socialized as women or…

non-binary people or people...

There's not as much written

as when it's a cis guy
and a cis girl.

Then is like, this so, that so,

and you do the dishes
and you keep the house.

In my experience,

I think this is a very nice thing.

And somehow you can rewrite

how you want to relate,
how you want to be in bed,

Try to change
some ways of doing.

I like this a lot actually.

But I also ask myself,
was it necessary?

I mean,
was it necessary to take hormones?

Because taking them

has made me change my singing voice.

So I've lost something,

or as my singing teacher says,
maybe not,

now I'm taking lessons
and maybe I have gained another one.

So, really,
I don't want to see it like,

what would happen
if I hadn't done it?

But the other way around.

It's just another process that I lived
and I liked it and I'd live it again.

And if I went back, I'd do it again.

And maybe later on
I'll go back to taking hormones.

But what I do think
is that I consider a lot

if I did it for myself
or because of the vision of others.

Because of this misogyny,
because of this insecurity

and, of course,
this is very problematic.

I have not had any surgery,

I haven't made any physical changes,

But I don't question
if you want to have surgery.

I mean,

I'm in favor of physical changes
in every sense of the word.

Both cyborgs and trans or whatever.

In the end
it's all fluid a spectrum.

That's why I already at the beginning

of my deconstruction
of gender and sexuality,

I kind of said,
"I don't like labels",

so now I'm going back there,

because I don't always feel the same.

Why do I always use
the feminine pronouns?

Maybe it's a habit,
but I am still a non-binary person.

So I kind of prefer
not to have labels,

because in the end
it's another object of society

to be able to continue to classify us.

You're a man, you're a woman,
you're white, you're black,

you're Chinese, you're a lesbian,
you're gay, you're transgender.

But we're all people in the end
and we're governed by the same thing.

In the end,
the energy that moves us all

is what you said, that is love.

So why do we have to look
for labels within this love?

I prefer this fluidity
with which I live now

- because I feel...
- More comfortable.

It's just
that all this has to be changed

from within society.

Honestly, the only people
who can change this

are racialized people.

Because a white person,
a white man?

How many white gay men
have a high position?

How many trans women are there
in high positions?

How many white gay men
are there in important top companies?

How many black LGBT people
do you know who have that?

In the end it's all about
the person's oppressions.

After a lifetime,
I'm about to turn 40

and I've found this place of peace,

but I also like to think about myself
and try not to be rigid

and say, I don't know
who I will be in the future.

I don't know what it holds,
just like when I was younger

there wasn't all the vocabulary

to define yourself as non-binary.

And this tool worked
very well for me.

I don't know if in the future,
the new generations

will offer us things that you'll say:
"Wow, this is so clever!"

And then this also works for me.

The best thing in the world,
is to be able to be something else.

And I think
the whole issue of the rigidity

of identities and lesbian identity.

What should be the lesbian identity?

It must be closed and hermetic.

It surely is
as a way of protecting itself

from an environment
that is very aggressive.

Or even harmful.

But I also like to think
that the limits are not so clear.

They are not so marked
and can be much more diffuse,

especially because this makes us
freer people in the end.

Those born after us
will cast a sigh towards me,

who loved with profound determination,
towards you, my desire.

TO EVERYONE WE TALKED TO
OR CONTACTED AT SOME POINT,

WHO SHARED YOUR EXPERIENCE
WITH US: THANK YOU.