Original subtitles

[upbeat music playing]

[audience applauding]

Hello, and welcome to "Totally Funny Animals."

I'm your host, Andy Woodhull.

We have a show for you tonight

that is as refreshing and fun as a newly filled water bowl,

a recently scooped litter box,

and a brand-new paper at the bottom of a bird cage

all rolled into one.

[audience laughter]

We set the bar mighty high around these parts.

[audience laughter]

Did you know that the average person sees a minimum

of 17 different animals every single day?

You couldn't have known that because I just made it up.

- [audience laughter] - But it sounded true, right?

Probably a combination of me sounding really sure about it,

and let's face it, animals are everywhere you look.

[upbeat music playing]

Check this out.

Spectacular.

WOMAN: Yeah, I hear their wings.

ANDY: I just hope none of them have to go to the bathroom.

[woman exclaiming]

[groans] Ew, your face!

[dogs barking]

ANDY: Only one thing made Murphy and Matilda madder

than when the Henderson's cow was in their pool.

[dogs barking]

And that was

when the Henderson's cow was in their jacuzzi.

And he is out of here.

[audience laughter]

Mr. Martinez was always forgetting

to lock the door to the science lab.

But what's the worst that could happen?

[audience laughter]

ANDY ON PA: Mr. Martinez, Winkles is in the hall again.

WOMAN: Hi.

ANDY: Hi. Hello.

- Yes, hi. - WOMAN: Hi.

- ANDY: Hi there. Okay. - WOMAN: How's it going?

ANDY: I should really get back to work.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

When your mom or dad seem to pay

a little too much attention to the family pet,

does it ever make you feel a little inadequate,

- or is it just me? - [audience laughter]

Well, tonight, we're counting down

the top ten signs your parents like the dog more than you.

We'll kick it off with number ten.

WOMAN: Luce, why are you crying?

Lucy, why are you crying?

Where's Bandit?

ANDY: Because they gave the dog first choice

when it came to sleeping arrangements.

[audience laughter]

Every doorbell ring or knock at the door is a mystery.

Who's on the other side?

Who could it be? Is it friend or foe?

Nosy neighbor or hopelessly lost pizza delivery guy?

You'll never know until you open it.

[mysterious music playing]

Oh, hi. Don't mind me.

Just a quick bite and I'll be on my way.

MAN: You get out of here right now.

ANDY: Uh, yeah. Look at these antlers.

I think I'll be staying as long as I like.

MAN: Get.

I'm serious.

That is my tree. Hey.

ANDY: And you weren't eating it, so finders keepers.

[audience laughter]

Excuse me.

I'm collecting for the all-turkey drill team's

annual trip to Florida.

[thumping on glass]

WOMAN: There's a bunch of them back there.

ANDY: Last year I collected enough to go to a theme park.

Okay, fine. Off to the neighbor's house.

Maybe they won't be so cheap.

[audience laughter]

Jackson didn't care if it did keep the flies out.

He was not a fan of the new screen door.

[audience laughter]

And it was just this morning that Pa said to Ma,

why doesn't Hoppy come around the house like he used to?

And then there he was.

Perfect timing, because Ma had just made

a batch of her oatmeal fly cookies.

Hoppy must have smelled them.

[audience laughter]

They were gonna install a doggy door.

- But no need to. - WOMAN: There she goes.

[audience laughter]

And there she is. [chuckles]

ANDY: A lot of households are replacing

the more traditional attack dog with an attack deer.

[hooves clicking]

[audience laughter]

Bambi don't play.

Here comes Nutty.

Hiya, Nutty.

Nutty was always up to no good,

and the cops were onto him, too.

He probably wants in so he can lam it,

you know, until things cool down.

[audience laughter]

Looks like he hears something.

Yep, it's the police.

Be cool, Nutty. Be cool.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauds]

We are counting down the top ten signs

your parents like the dog more than you.

And it may sting a little, but here's number nine.

The dogs get a weekly mani-pedi,

complete with a clear coat finish.

They won't even get you

a pair of fingernail clippers that work right.

It's never easy when they choose the dogs over their children,

but it happens.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauds]

What happens when the unstoppable force of an animal

is headed right towards some sort of immovable object?

You get yourself a Critter Collision Course.

[upbeat music playing]

WOMAN: Come here. Come here.

[woman chuckling]

[woman laughs]

[kid screams]

WOMAN: Oh, dear, poor baby.

Oh, oh.

MAN: Are you ready?

Three.

[woman laughs]

WOMAN: Oh, my gosh, Libby.

[woman laughs]

ANDY: And the countdown continues with number eight.

MAN: What's two plus one?

[dog barks three times]

- Good girl. - [audience laughter]

ANDY: They helped the dog with her homework.

MAN: What's one plus one?

- [dog barks twice] - Good girl.

ANDY: While you got grounded for a C in algebra,

they wouldn't even get you a tutor.

MAN: What's one plus three?

[dog barks, growls]

ANDY: It's just not fair.

- [dog barks] - MAN: There you go.

[audience applauding]

Drop it. Drop it.

Drop that remote. Good dog.

Because more "Totally Funny Animals" is coming right up.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[water running]

[audience laughter]

- WOMAN: Are you okay? - [audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

Tonight, we are counting down the top ten signs

your parents like the dog more than you.

The first step is acceptance.

Here's lucky number seven.

WOMAN: What's with that silly napkin, Wenzo?

[gasps] Is it your birthday?

Are you the birthday boy today?

ANDY: When for his birthday, Wenzo got a prime rib dinner.

WOMAN: Prime rib

dinner.

So good.

ANDY: And all you got for your birthday meal

was mac and cheese from a box.

WOMAN: Happy birthday, bubbas.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

If you're ever feeling on edge,

stressed out, or aggressive,

might I recommend playing some golf?

Oh, you'll still feel on edge,

stressed out, and aggressive,

but they'll give you a bag of clubs to whack stuff with.

[audience laughter]

You can also whack a few balls

at the Animal Golfers Club.

It's the perfect time of year to hit the links

here at the Animal Golfers Club.

[man laughing]

We're here to help your game.

Our staff will always give you

helpful feedback on your swing.

[seagulls squawking]

- [man laughs] - [audience laughter]

ANDY: Add a little challenge to up your handicap.

- [audience laughter] - [man laughs]

And our caddies will return your balls

to the clubhouse when you're done playing.

And sometimes before you're done.

[man laughs]

Though occasionally we get a little distracted.

[audience laughter]

There's never a dull moment on our green.

BOY: Go, Dad, go, go away from this turkey!

ANDY: Looks like this little golfer scored a birdie.

The Animal Golfers Club.

BOY: Oh, he's got my ball.

ANDY: The most fun you'll have on the fairway.

[audience applauding]

Pigeons are surprisingly smart.

They're one of only a few rare species

that pass the mirror test.

They're able to look at their reflection

and understand they're looking at themselves.

Of course, a lot of them will fly smack dab into a window.

So they may be smart,

but they're not geniuses or anything.

[audience laughter]

Peter Pigeon found a piece of pizza.

[audience laughter]

It's his lucky day.

That is, until it vanished.

[audience laughter]

Rover felt the bird was getting

a little too comfortable in the house.

[audience laughter]

And it was time to say something about it.

♪♪♪

But not today. Maybe tomorrow.

[audience laughter]

Julia saw pigeons not as pets, but as role models.

[audience laughter]

[girl screams]

MAN: Babe, can you go help her?

ANDY: Oh, there is no helping her.

GIRL: Mommy. [screams]

[child laughs]

ANDY: She's one with the pigeons now.

- WOMAN: Throw far. - [girl screams]

ANDY: Best to just leave her and move on.

- [girl screams] - [audience laughter]

ANDY: Being a natural pigeon whisperer

was both a blessing and a curse.

- But usually a curse. - [man exclaims]

[woman laughs]

[audience applauding]

Your parents probably don't wanna hurt your feelings,

- but we will. - [audience laughter]

So we're counting down the top ten signs

your parents like the dog more than you

with number six.

They always let the dog upstage you.

[man groans]

[audience applauding]

Let's take a long, nostalgic look back

at the animals of yesteryear.

It's time for Pet-Tastic Pets.

♪ I got a perfect... ♪

ANDY: She had always seen herself as a solo act,

but secretly, the dog had been working on a harmony line.

- [dog barks] - [woman screams]

[audience laughter]

ANDY: There was a reason tourists called these

the friendliest waters on the planet.

The locals were quick to welcome them with open arms.

[woman exclaims]

Now that is a welcoming committee.

[man laughs]

Let the other neighborhood dogs play fetch and dig holes.

Puddles just wanted to grab some branch and hang out.

[audience laughter]

This is why Leonard started

wearing a bathing suit every night.

[audience laughter]

MAN: There's a chipmunk in this bathroom.

Don't know where he is, but he's in this bathroom.

- [audience laughter] - And I made this thingy

so that, uh, he can get out.

All right, we're going.

ANDY: Listen, it's a solid enough plan,

but after years of working with chipmunks myself,

I can tell you they're not big on plan.

MAN: There he is. It's him. He's back there.

All right. Ready? I'm gonna let him out.

Why don't you come out? [screams]

He's going, he's going. It's working.

ANDY: Well, I'll be darned.

MAN: But he's going, he's going,

- it's working. - BOY: There goes the chipmunk!

- Yes. Yes. - BOY: Yes.

Yes, yes. Shut up, chipmunk.

ANDY: Our countdown rolls on.

Here's number five.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience laughter]

When they bought the baby chair for Bruno

and only for Bruno.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

Don't touch that dial.

If your TV still has a dial,

this might be the only channel you get.

We have a whole lot more

hilarious videos coming your way.

When "Totally Funny Animals" returns.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

WOMAN: Are you okay?

I'm exercising.

[man chuckles]

[audience laughter]

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

All night long, we've been counting down the top ten signs

your parents like the dog more than you.

There are probably at least a hundred signs,

but we're just doing the top ten.

[audience laughter]

Let's check out number four.

Your wardrobe totally suffers

because your parents let the dog have first dibs

on the hand me down.

WOMAN: [laughs] What are you doing?

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

If the hustle and bustle of everyday living

is getting you down,

it's always a good idea to take a deep breath,

exhale slowly and Slow Your Roll.

♪♪♪

Make way for Milo.

And look out below.

[audience laughter]

Open up.

[audience laughter]

It's monster mouth time. It's monster mouth time.

[audience laughter]

He loves this game.

[audience laughter]

He escaped so often,

they just caved and left a blanket there.

[audience laughter]

[audience laughter]

Casper wants a beat.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

We are headed back to the countdown with number three.

WOMAN: Is that enough?

Oh, you want them done again? Okay, hold on.

ANDY: The fact that Petunia gets flossed to her heart's content

while you've been squeezing that same empty tube of toothpaste

for three weeks.

Get your teeth dental flossed.

Ah, there we go.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

Sure, most dogs would prefer to run free,

chase the horizon, maybe sneak into a PG-13 movie.

But if they did that, the world would be chaos.

That's why our pets need to learn to love the leash.

It's for their safety and ours.

ANDY: Sounds like a plan.

This kid clearly knows the basics of fetch,

but he still has a few things to learn.

- MAN: Now, it's-- - [boy groans]

[audience laughter]

ANDY: Wow, that is a lot of dog for a little lady.

WOMAN: She's only two years old.

[woman laughs]

[woman laughs]

ANDY: Fluffy spends all of outside time

looking for squirrels.

And from now on, Kyle's gonna spend it

looking where the leash is.

[audience laughter]

It was Kyla's greatest idea to date.

- [Kyla exclaims] - A dog propelled vehicle.

The only thing that would make this better

would be brakes.

[woman laughs]

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

ANDY: Dad said bring me your leash

and we can go out for a walk.

[audience laughter]

At this rate, it'll be dark before they get outside.

[audience laughter]

If you took Rascal back in

before he was done with his business,

he'd let you know.

[audience laughter]

WOMAN: Okay, girls, time for a walk.

Go ahead, Kelly.

Take Toto.

ANDY: Calm, even keel, and responsible.

WOMAN: Let's go bye-bye.

ANY: That's why I get to be the one holding the leash.

WOMAN: Go ahead, cross the street.

ANDY: Don't forget to look both ways.

WOMAN: This is how you walk your dog.

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

We have reached the penultimate video

on our countdown of the top ten signs

your parents like the dog more than you.

This is it. Number two.

[upbeat music playing]

[child crying]

ANDY: They let the dog wear all your best jewelry.

WOMAN: Your necklace? Where's your necklace?

[child crying]

WOMAN: You don't wanna share with Tundra?

[audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

There are a whole lot more

hilarious videos coming your way.

And you'll see the number one video on our countdown

when "Totally Funny Animals" continues.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[woman laughs]

[woman laughs]

[audience laughter]

- [audience applauding] - [Andy laughs]

All show long, we have been confronting

the top ten signs your parents like the dog more than you.

But before we reveal

the uncomfortable truth of number one,

let's take another look at the first nine.

[upbeat music playing]

Number ten, the crib cribber.

WOMAN: What is Bandit doing in your bed?

ANDY: Number nine, the pampered pooch.

Number eight, the menacing mathematician.

MAN: What's two plus one?

[dog barks three times]

ANDY: Number seven, the aristocratic pup.

Number six, dogpile on Kinney.

[girl groans]

ANDY: Number five, rockabye puppy.

Number four, designer T-shirt canine.

Number three, top-notch dental care.

Top-notch!

WOMAN: Oh, good girl.

ANDY: Number two,

they let the dog wear all your best jewelry.

- [child crying] - [audience laughter]

[audience applauding]

And now on our countdown of the top ten signs

your parents like the dog more than you,

we are proud to present number one.

Every single video of you as a child

very quickly became...

a video of the family dog.

[audience laughter]

MAN: Snoopy.

Hi, Snoopy.

Snoopy. Hi, Snoopy.

ANDY: You just can't compete with canine charisma.

[audience applauding]

Who has more fun than we do?

Nobody.

In fact, we'll have even more fun

when we do this again on the next "Totally Funny Animals."

Good night, everybody.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music playing]