Original subtitles

[theme music plays]

[audience cheers and applauds]

Greetings, I'm your host, Andy Woodhull,

and welcome to "Totally Funny Animals."

This show is like a trip to the vet,

but without any of the shots and uncomfortable probing.

[audience laughs]

The stereotype is that cats and dogs

are natural enemies

and are constantly fighting

in the most intense and brutal ways imaginable.

Sort of like me and my girlfriend

when there's just one cookie left.

[audience laughs]

Oh, she will throw down for baked goods.

At least cats and dogs have their own way

of working things out.

Blinky and Jerry were meeting for the very first time,

and it would define the parameters

of their relationship forever.

[owners exclaim]

Yeah, these two are gonna get along

just fine.

[sneaky music plays]

Maisie was a fidgety cat.

Always had to be fiddling with something.

Especially when Roscoe was trying to take a nap.

Drove him crazy.

So, it was time to get Maisie to stop it.

Then Roscoe upped his game.

[Roscoe growls, barks]

"Listen, Kitty, I know you're new around here,

"but there's a hierarchy in this house."

[audience laughs]

When Mitch and Murray were chowing down,

they could focus on nothing else.

No matter how hard Luna tried to distract them.

OWNER: Luna!

Leave them alone.

[audience laughs]

Biting him?

- ANDY: They were laser focused. - [audience laughs]

They'll play with Luna after dessert.

"Tag! You're it."

"Listen, cat,

"I don't know how to make it any more clear.

"Stop playing with my foot."

[audience laughs, applauds]

They are cute, cuddly, and loving.

But they also refuse to pay you back

the money you lent them for chew toys.

So, tonight, we are counting down

our top ten animal arguments.

The debate begins with number ten.

- [cat meows] - OWNER: What's your problem?

ANDY: Oh, do you really want to get him started?

- [cat meows] - You asked for it.

- Do you have an attitude? - [cat meows]

- [audience laughs] - Are you rude?

[cat meows]

- Are you sassy? - [cat meows]

Do you talk back?

- [cat meows] - [audience laughs, applauds]

It happens to all of us.

You stand at a safe distance, nowhere near the action.

You feel like you're out of harm's way

and then, bam!

A ball bounces off a dog's nose

and hits you right in the face.

You are collateral damage.

You got to throw it as far as you can,

because if you come up short...

MAN: [indistinct]!

ANDY: ...then you could just be in the way.

MAN: Not now, [indistinct]! [laughs]

You okay, buddy?

Yay, Jack!

[audience laughs]

ANDY: When all you have is a sofa and a chair,

the sofa is where all the action is going to take place.

♪♪♪

You shouldn't play chicken with a sheep.

- [man blows raspberries] - [woman laughs]

MAN: Here, buddy. You want some corn?

ANDY: Deer may have a reputation of being peaceful,

even skittish.

MAN: Here, Matthew, give him some of this.

ANDY: But you should still watch your back around them.

- [man laughs] - [audience laughs]

Renata loved watching her big sister train the dog

- in the backyard. - [indistinct].

- ANDY: Very impressive. - [indistinct].

But Renata didn't only want to watch.

Renata wanted to help train the dog.

[man laughs]

What is it, Gord?

ANDY: Gordy was doing his best to assess the situation.

He'd never seen anything like it...

[woman laughs]

...and didn't want anyone to get hurt.

- WOMAN: Oh, my God. - ANDY: Especially Grandma.

WOMAN: Oh! [laughs] Oh, God!

ANDY: When it was bath time for Larry...

it sometimes became bath time for Linda.

- [man laughs] - [audience laughs]

We are counting down the top ten animal arguments.

Things are getting mighty heated with number nine.

Every day, the same argument.

- OWNER: Your breath stinks. - [dog howls]

- Your breath stinks. - [dog howls]

Your breath stinks.

- [dog barks] - Your breath stinks.

[audience laughs, applauds]

The ocean is great, lakes are lovely,

sitting poolside is amazing,

and we all love a raging river.

But when you can't hit one of those locations,

you can always do what I do.

Turn on the sprinklers in the backyard

and close your eyes.

Just pretend you're somewhere magical.

It works if you've been drinking enough.

♪ Don't worry about it, I got it ♪

♪ Anything you want, I got it ♪

♪ Don't worry about it, I got it ♪

♪ Anything you want, I got it ♪

♪ Saying yes to you is a habit ♪

♪ Whatever you want, you can grab it ♪

♪ You can get two ♪

♪ Of the same if you want ♪

♪ Go and grab something for your mama and your aunt ♪

♪ You know I like putting a smile on your face ♪

♪ Treat you like every day's your birthday ♪

♪ I can have anything I want? ♪

♪ Anything you want, go, get it, baby ♪

♪ It ain't tricking if you got it ♪

♪ I ain't tripping because I got it ♪

♪ Hey, don't worry about it, I got it ♪

And the countdown continues with number eight.

So, early this morning, Snickers hit me,

like, right square in my forehead.

I'm trying to see if I can get her to do it again.

ANDY: Behave, you two.

- [Snickers meows] - [owner laughs]

[audience laughs, applauds]

You think that was great?

You ain't seen nothing yet. So, don't go anywhere.

We're going to be right back

with more "Totally Funny Animals".

- [theme music plays] - [audience cheers, applauds]

♪♪♪

[audience laughs]

- [woman laughs] - [audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

- [balloon pops] - [woman gasps]

- [laughs] - [audience laughs]

[baby laughs]

[woman laughs]

[audience laughs, applauds]

Now, I don't want to fight about it,

but we've been counting down the top ten animal arguments

all show long.

Let's take a look at lucky number seven.

[gobbles]

OWNER: Flower, what in the heck

are you doing in my kitchen?

[gobbles]

[audience laughs]

I've just been mopping, the floor's not even dry yet,

and I have a buzzard...

ANDY: Whoa! Name calling isn't necessary.

OWNER: ...mucking up the floor.

Mayflower, what do you have to say for yourself?

[gobbles]

I'd say if you plan to live past Thanksgiving...

don't ever pull this stunt again.

- Do you hear me? - ANDY: Oh, Mayflower hears you.

- [audience laughs] - [gobbles]

OWNER: Are we understood? No turkeys in the kitchen, ever.

Period. You were not invited.

- [gobbles] - Yeah.

[audience laughs, applauds]

All right, folks, we here at "Totally Funny Animals"

are thrilled and honored to introduce you

to our new sponsor.

An exciting new animatronic stuffed animal

named Mr. Happy.

A great gift for any kid.

They're also perfect for young looking adults.

- [audience laughs] - I have two of them.

[audience laughs]

Hey, kids!

Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Happy,

the dancing doggy.

Mr. Happy busts the move all on his own,

without the need for batteries or wires.

Incredible!

After a series of class action lawsuits,

we here at TFA Industries are proud to announce

that the new Mr. Happy doll is totally non-toxic.

And that's not all!

Mr. Happy is 100% ferret powered

and ferret operated.

That's right.

Just slip your pet ferret

into Mr. Happy's patent pending secret compartment.

Mr. Happy, the Dancing Dog.

Available in toy and pet stores almost anywhere.

Product unavailable in Alaska, Hawaii,

or any of the other states.

- Ferret not included. - [audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

We all grew up with the fairy tale

of a frog prince.

A princess kisses a frog,

and it turns into the man of her dreams.

If you ask me, that's way more convenient

than any of those dating apps.

[audience laughs]

That's why I kiss every frog I come across,

hoping one will turn into a smart,

beautiful princess.

Of course, if she was all that smart,

how'd she get turned into a frog in the first place?

[audience laughs]

But I'll keep kissing those frogs.

One might just turn into a princess one day.

And if that never happens, I sort of dig kissing frogs.

- [audience laughs] - Who knew?

MAN: You could look him in the eye and kiss him?

ANDY: Sometimes the whole kissing the frog thing

is easier said than done.

MAN: Kiss his mouth, why are you kissing his back?

[indistinct]

ANDY: You can psych yourself out.

MAN: Come on.

Gonna kiss him?

ANDY: Best to let someone else do it first.

- Like the dog. - MAN: Oh, that's a good dog.

- Hey. - [laughs]

Okay.

ANDY: And if all else fails...

MAN: Miles, sit down.

...some help from your sister.

[screams]

- Hop attack! - WOMAN: Oh! [laughs]

What'd you catch?

The [indistinct] frog.

WOMAN: Let me see.

ANDY: Um, are you sure about that?

[screams]

Olivia found a frog. A baby frog.

- Baby. - WOMAN: Yeah, it's a baby frog.

Baby frog.

ANDY: A baby frog that's a little clingy.

WOMAN: If the frog kisses, maybe he'll turn into a prince.

- [woman gasps] - [Olivia exclaims]

- [woman laughs] - [Olivia cries]

[audience applauds]

We've been counting down the top ten animal arguments,

and I'm getting pretty worked up over it.

- [audience laughs] - Sorry. Here's number six.

Tucker has something to say.

[Tucker snorts]

And it is something I will not be repeating.

OWNER: What's your problem today?

- Hmm? - [Tucker snorts]

- [audience laughs] - Why are you so grumpy?

[Tucker snorts]

Well, happy Friday to you, too.

- [Tucker snorts] - [audience laughs, applauds]

Let's put on our white cotton gloves

and enter the temperature controlled vault

of animal videos

to check out tonight's...

pet-tastic pets.

"I just haven't seen it since the summer,

"but I know that tennis ball is out here somewhere."

[audience laughs]

[man laughs]

This is the last time he rode Samson

- without a helmet. - [boy laughs]

[man laughs]

Best night ever!

[sneaky music plays]

[groans] "Tap water? Really? In a bowl?

"Could I get some sparkling and a wine glass, please?"

[audience laughs]

This roomba had some real attachment issues.

- [woman laughs] - [audience laughs]

WOMAN: She's saying no, honey.

ANDY: It was a once in a lifetime experience

to be this close to buffalo in their natural habitat.

WOMAN: [laughs] He's all confused.

- MAN: He's like-- - WOMAN: Ow!

ANDY: Then things got a little too real.

[woman exclaims]

- MAN: Oh, my word. - [woman laughs]

ANDY: I'm sure that'll buff right out.

[audience laughs, applauds]

ANDY: Our countdown rolls on.

Here's number five.

WOMAN: Mom's gonna be right back.

- [Pugsley shrieks] - I'll be right back.

ANDY: Leaving Pugsley was hard and she never came back.

[audience laughs, applauds]

Don't you dare go anywhere,

because "Totally Funny Animals" will be right back

with more of our countdown

and a whole herd of hilarious videos.

[audience cheers]

♪♪♪

OWNER: Go on!

[laughing]

- [woman laughs] - [audience laughs]

[woman laughs]

[woman laughs]

[audience laughs, applauds]

All show long we've been counting down

the top ten animal arguments.

It's time to check out number four.

[dog cries]

Uh-oh. Bo went up the stairs again.

OWNER: Come on, no. See?

You gotta come down the stairs.

[dog cries]

Who told you to go up the stairs anyway?

- [dog cries] - Who told you to go upstairs?

ANDY: And he is not happy about it.

[dog cries]

OWNER: Look, don't be mad at me.

[dog cries]

When I left, you was downstairs.

ANDY: Okay, you better bring him down

before the neighbors complain.

- [dog cries] - [audience laughs, applauds]

When I'm alone in my house, I do some things

that I would never feel comfortable doing here.

I dance around in my pajamas,

sing show tunes in the shower,

and I eat bologna sandwiches.

[audience laughs]

That last one isn't embarrassing.

I just would never eat a bologna sandwich

in front of you because, well, I chew funny.

[audience laughs]

It's just one of the many things you do

when you think no one is looking.

The coast was clear,

so Petunia the pig figured it was time to party.

Oh, yeah! Let's go hog wild!

Ray was a master of disguise.

It took Nutty a second to notice the camera.

And just like that,

four years in the witness protection program

- went right down the drain. - [audience laughs]

[woman exclaims]

It was then she knew to never tie him

to loose objects again.

Then the whole neighborhood knew too.

[woman screams]

Most of the family love Sarge the German shepherd.

But for whatever reason,

he and Lucy just never hit it off.

LUCY: Mom!

[audience laughs, applauds]

We are headed back to the countdown

with number three.

MAN: I said yes.

[crow imitates speech] Uh-uh.

MAN: I said yes.

[crow imitates speech] Uh-uh.

ANDY: There is no arguing with a crow.

- [audience laughs] - [crow imitates speech] Uh-uh.

MAN: I said go.

- [crow imitates speech] Uh-uh. - MAN: You better leave.

- [crow imitates speech] Uh-uh. - [audience laughs]

MAN: You better get going.

[crow imitates speech] Uh-uh.

ANDY: Okay, now he's bored.

[audience laughs, applauds]

Fewer things bring more joy to a dog

than the humble tennis ball.

They love them so much,

they probably shouldn't even be called tennis balls at all.

Call them "puppy funtime spheres."

- [audience laughs] - Or dog drool sponges.

[audience laughs]

Not many dogs play tennis anyway.

They can't really hold the racket.

"Too high!"

[audience laughs]

[groans] "I hate when Grandma visits.

"She has no idea how to use these things."

♪♪♪

"A little help?

- "Hey, thanks, fellas." - [audience laughs]

- [Butters chirps] - [dog barks]

Butters was one cruel cockatoo.

- [dog barks] - [Butters chirps]

- [audience laughs] - [dog barks]

MAN: Where's your ball?

ANDY: "It's right through there.

"Right next to that little white dog."

MAN: Can you get your ball? Can you get it?

Look, it's right here. Look.

[dog whimpers]

ANDY: "As soon as that little white dog

"gets distracted,

"it'll be time to strike."

WOMAN: Hunter.

ANDY: Hunter is a dog who wants it all...

Ready?

ANDY: ...and gets it all.

[audience laughs, applauds]

It's been a real brawl fest as we count down

the top ten animal arguments.

Let's get it going. Number two, coming at you.

[pig squeals]

- WOMAN: You better stop it. - [pig squeals]

Little boy, you better quit.

ANDY: This is exactly why they can't bring him

to restaurants, movie theaters or church on Sunday.

- [pig squeals] - WOMAN: You don't-- Hey!

You stop back talking.

[audience applauds]

Stick around, folks, because when we come back,

we will share our number one video

on today's countdown.

There's a whole lot more "Totally Funny Animals"

coming your way.

- [theme music plays] - [audience cheers, applauds]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ In this city, loyalty means everything ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ But in order to get respect ♪

♪ You gotta earn it ♪

♪ Yeah, turn me up ♪

♪ Hey, what you know about respect ♪

♪ Respect, I got nix ♪

♪ Live my life with no regrets ♪

♪ What you know about respect ♪

♪ To be the best, you gotta work till you get it ♪

♪ And grind until there's nothing left ♪

We have been counting down our top ten animal arguments

all show long.

And while there should be no argument

when it comes to our number one pick,

let's take another nostalgic look

at our first nine.

Number ten, kitty cat clash.

[cat meows]

Number nine, the halitosis howl.

- OWNER: Your breath stinks. - [dog howls]

ANDY: Number eight, feline face off.

[owner laughs]

- Number seven, the turkey spat. - [gobbles]

Number six, the porcine polemic.

Number five, severe separation anxiety.

- WOMAN: Be right back - [Pugsley shrieks]

ANDY: Number four, the staircase deliberation.

WOMAN: Who told you to go up the stairs anyway?

ANDY: Number three, the uh-uh-altercation.

MAN: You better get out of here.

[crow imitates speech] Uh-uh.

ANDY: And number two,

the maximum messy mediation.

- WOMAN: You don't back talk. - [pig squeals]

And now, on our countdown of the top ten animal arguments,

we proudly present number one.

- [goat bleats] - I'm sorry.

- [goat mumbles] - [all laugh]

ANDY: Never argue with a goat.

[goat mumbles]

WOMAN: You made him get the corn.

ANDY: You'll never change its mind.

- [goat mumbles] - [indistinct].

[audience cheers, applauds]

Hope you had as much fun as we did.

And we can't wait to see you again

on an all new "Totally Funny Animals."

Good night, everybody.

- [theme music plays] - [audience cheers, applauds]

[theme music plays]