Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

♪♪♪

Good evening and welcome to "Totally Funny Animals."

I'm your host, Andy Woodhull and this is the show

all the cool dogs have been barking about.

It is amazing with all the things

our phones can do these days that 90% of the time

the thing I use it for is to take selfies with animals.

[audience laughter]

I also use it as a flashlight,

but mostly I'm taking selfies with my golden retriever.

I swear, she doesn't take a bad photo

and she'll bark if I try to take the picture from a low angle.

[audience laughter]

The struggles of trying to take a selfie with my cat.

Hey, wanna take a selfie. Look at the camera.

Look. Look at the camera.

ANDY: I said one photo.

[boy chuckling]

But Inky doesn't want a selfie.

[audience laughter]

This should get her, like, 1000 likes.

Make that a million.

[audience laughter]

Tina was cool posing with the woman, but not the dude.

[audience laughter]

Oh!

ANDY: Ask first.

Can we take a selfie?

Cat. Take a selfie.

ANDY: I said no kissy face.

Check it out.

ANDY: Now, one with hat off.

[audience laughter]

Sometimes, they're too eager.

Don't eat my face.

No, don't-- You're not supposed to eat me, you're suppose--

You-- Ow, no, my earring!

Oh, earring, my earring!

Don't eat my earring! No, no, no!

[audience applause]

Ever walk in on your pet and ponder exactly how

they got themselves into a particular situation?

Like how did my dog end up wearing my superhero pajamas?

[audience laughter]

And why do they fit so well?

[audience laughter]

Well, tonight, we're counting down the top ten times

you wondered how they got their head stuck in there.

Let's start wondering together with number 10.

Pookie liked to lick

the very bottom of the barrel the fish came in

to make sure he enjoyed all of its scaly goodness.

Uh oh!

Sometimes, it was a bit of a snug fit

and it echoed in there.

[echoing] A little help here?

[audience laughter and applause]

My favorite high school home room inspirational poster

had to be that cat dangling from the end of the rope

with the caption, "Hang in there, baby."

[audience laughter]

I often wonder what happened to that cat.

Probably she fell, but I really want to believe she made it.

[audience laughter]

Here are some other animals to take inspiration from.

WOMAN: Come on, baby.

ANDY: Oliver wasn't one of those cats

that would get stuck in a tree.

WOMAN: Come on, baby

ANDY: And then suffer the humiliation

of having a fire truck arrive to get him down.

WOMAN: You got this.

ANDY: No, siree, Bob.

WOMAN: You've got three more stories.

ANDY: Oliver believed that if you were cat enough

to climb the tallest tree in the yard...

Then by gum, you ought to be cat enough

to climb back down it.

WOMAN: Oh my gosh. How did you get up there?

ANDY: I swear, they need to put my litter box

in a more convenient location.

WOMAN: Oliver, keep going, you got it.

ANDY: This is ridiculous.

WOMAN: Oh, Bobo. There you go.

ANDY: When something seems out of reach,

you should still try because you just might get it.

You probably won't, but you should still try.

I can make it! I can make it! Look!

Mama deer believed in letting her children try and fail

in order to learn life lessons.

Wee!

The biggest of which is knowing when it's time to give up

and find another way.

You know what, I'll go around.

You'll never make it through, they said.

You're just too big, they said.

You shouldn't even try, they said.

Eh, they say a lot of stuff.

[audience laughter]

Don't change who you are to fit in with the rest of the crowd.

Be true to who you are.

March to your own drummer.

Being unique is what makes you you, and we like that.

[audience applause]

We are counting down the top 10 times

you wondered how they got their head stuck in there

and we're at number nine.

WOMAN: Well, well, well.

It looks like somebody got into my basket of eggs.

ANDY: And they were delicious.

WOMAN: Charlotte.

What did you do?

ANDY: Hey, anybody got a basket of hash browns?

WOMAN: You got caught, you bad girl.

And all the eggs are gone.

[audience applause]

I'm not sure most animals get the concept

of a backyard pool.

For us, it's pure recreation

For animals, I think they see it

as a giant water bowl you can swim in.

[audience laughter]

My dog looks at me like, "Dude, get out of my bowl.

"I wanna drink that water."

Still, we all love hanging out by the pool.

MAN: Oh, get it. Come on, hold that breath.

[audience laughter]

WOMAN: We need to get this dog in the water.

WOMAN 2: Swim, [indistinct] swim!

[audience laughter]

[woman screaming]

WOMAN 3: Oh, she pushed her in.

[audience laughter]

[crowd awing]

WOMAN 4: Make a splash like you did.

[woman screaming]

No, no, no, no, no!

[audience laughter and applause]

ANDY: And the countdown continues with number eight.

[audience laughter]

WOMAN 5: Max! What did you do?

ANDY: Max loved putting the hamster ball on his head

and pretending he's an astronaut.

The hamster, however, felt differently.

[audience laughter]

[audience applause]

Don't even think about going anywhere.

Okay, you can think about it, but don't act on it

because there's more totally funny animals coming up.

[audience applause]

[upbeat music]

[audience laughter]

WOMAN: Hi, gal. Are you gonna go down the slide?

Oh, my God!

Set, go.

Ah!

[audience laughter]

♪♪♪

[audience laughter and applause]

Today, we've been counting down the top ten times

you wondered how they got their heads stuck in there.

Let's take a look at lucky number seven.

Billy looks distressed.

[goat screaming]

[audience laughter and applause]

Things move pretty fast on this show.

One second, you're watching an adorable puppy,

and then suddenly, an elderly goat is shrieking at you.

[audience laughter]

It's important to take some time to slow your roll.

♪♪♪

How many licks does it take to get to the center?

One?

Two?

Three?

Okay, we don't have all day.

Incoming!

Okay, great. Now, how do I open this thing?

Coming in for a landing.

Bill lived by two simple rules.

Always find the coolest spot...

and never overstay your welcome.

♪♪♪

Keep your eyes on the ball.

♪♪♪

You've got to pay the bread toll.

You may pass.

[audience laughter and applause]

I know hygiene is important.

I shower before and after

almost every single one of these shows.

I have to because I work with animals

[audience laughter]

But they say all that cleanliness is over hyped.

It's good to get a little dirty.

It helps your immune system.

♪♪♪

[woman laughing]

WOMAN: Oh, no. Your mother is gonna kill me.

ANDY: No. Mom totally lets me do this.

And she lets me chew on the sofa and stay up late eating treats.

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

ANDY: Best dog sitter ever.

They weren't sure when it happened,

but at some point, wrangling Buttercup

became an extreme sport.

♪♪♪

[woman laughing]

WOMAN 2: Holy moly. Look at him.

[woman laughing]

[audience laughter]

ANDY: You never want to find your garbage cans upended.

But at this house, you always know who the culprit is.

Tiny.

WOMAN 3: What are you doing?

ANDY: Just having a snack.

[audience laughter]

All elephants agree.

A mud bath is good for the soul.

And for the belly.

[audience laughter]

Mud baths are pretty much good for everything.

Let me try my face.

[audience laughter]

WOMAN 4: Marigold, what the heck?

ANDY: Marigold found a hole.

WOMAN 4: Are you kidding? Hey, look at me.

What are you doing? Oh, my gosh.

What are you looking for?

ANDY: I'm looking for mud and I found it.

[audience laughter]

WOMAN 4: Marigold, you are in trouble.

[audience laughter and applause]

We're counting down the top ten times

you wondered how they got their head stuck in there

and it's time for number six.

Check it out.

♪♪♪

Stormy has a drinking problem.

[audience laughter]

Yeah, see, that's the problem.

[audience laughter]

[audience laughter and applause]

I love looking into the past

reminiscing about the good old days.

All those sandwiches I used to eat,

all those pants that used to fit.

[audience laughter]

Let's take a look at the glory days of some retro pets.

♪♪♪

MAN: Uh oh, she's on the couch again.

Bad dog.

You go to jail, go to jail.

ANDY: Yeah, yeah, she's going.

MAN: Go on.

♪♪♪

MAN: You stay there, stay in jail.

ANDY: And there Lucy stayed

until they bought their first DVD player.

[audience laughter]

Maybe it's just me,

but this feels like a kind of gross way

to introduce your toddler to the concept of sharing.

[audience groaning]

[audience groaning]

Buddy had his way of keeping Larry's showers short.

[audience laughter]

MAN: Oh, hot, hey! Ow, ow!

[audience laughter]

ANDY: The Hendersons had assumed

they bought a faulty toaster oven.

They'd stick in bread, walk away

and by the time it was supposed to be toast,

the oven was empty.

♪♪♪

[audience laughter]

[audience laughter]

And on an unrelated note, Socks was gaining weight.

[audience laughter]

[audience applause]

Our countdown rolls on. Here's number five.

WOMAN: I know, honey. I know.

[Andy laughing]

ANDY: The next door neighbor's got a pool.

[audience laughter]

WOMAN: She's so excited to see me.

ANDY: I think she's more excited about the pool.

Get your suit on. Let's go back to the pool.

[audience applause]

Don't go anywhere because we've got a lot more show left.

We'll continue our countdown

and share more laugh out loud animal videos.

All this and more when "Totally Funny Animals" returns.

[audience applause]

[upbeat music]

[woman laughing]

WOMAN: You get enough there--

MAN: Hey! Whoa! Ooh!

- WOMAN 2: Oh, my God! - MAN: Ooh!

[horn honking]

[child screaming]

[audience laughter]

Later, buddy. Bye bye.

Oh, he waved at me!

[audience applause]

We're working our way through some sticky situations

as we've been counting down the top ten times

you wondered how they got their heads stuck in there.

It's time for number four.

♪♪♪

The mighty lion's greatest predator...

this dumb pumpkin.

[audience laughter]

[audience applause]

People say they wish their pets could talk,

but I'm not so sure it would be all that great.

Pets are always around, they know all your secrets

and some of them stare at you while you're in the bathroom.

You keep your mouth shut, Rover.

[audience laughter]

Maybe, it wouldn't be all that great to talk for the animals.

♪♪♪

Hello? Hello?

I'm here for the Thanksgiving dinner.

[audience laughter]

I was told to come four hours early.

Hello?

Gosh. Are they ignoring me

because I forgot to bring a side dish?

[audience laughter]

You think I'm afraid of a couple lobsters?

Your claws are tied. You're on land.

This is my turf, jabronis. My turf.

Easy, man. Easy. It's not worth it.

Don't hold me back. I can take them.

MAN: You've got a popcorn in your hair.

ANDY: Yeah, I can see it.

It's right in my periphery. It's maddening.

Is this still there?

MAN: Do you need some help?

ANDY: No, no, no, I'm just gonna...

[audience laughter]

I almost had it.

Come on. Oh.

MAN: Bobo, you got it.

ANDY: Oh, gross. Kettle corn?

- WOMAN: Where's the bread at? - WOMAN 2: Where's the bread?

MAN: Why's everybody sniffing me?

WOMAN: Why's everybody looking at me? What?

WOMAN 2: What, do I have a piece of bread on my head?

ANDY: Gosh, I don't really sound like that, do I?

[audience laughter and applause]

We are headed back to the countdown with number three.

[Andy sighing]

Polly wanted to be an elephant.

She shopped around for bird size elephant costumes

and the Halloween stores were all out.

She went for the do it yourself approach

and I gotta say you get what you pay for, folks.

[audience laughter and applause]

Much like algebra classes,

dog obedience schools should grade on a curve.

There are the top dogs and the underdogs

and the lowest of the low

are clearly the obedient school drop outs.

MAN: Don't you kick that ball in the pool.

-Don't do it. -ANDY: He's a rebel.

MAN: Bad dog.

ANDY: She could handle one dog on a rainy day

or two dogs on a sunny day,

but if it was a two dog, rainy day...

[woman yelling]

[audience laughter]

From bad dog, to worse dog.

[audience laughter]

BOY: Leo, sit. Sit, Leo. Sit.

ANDY: Being told to sit is exhausting.

[audience laughter]

Puddles has gotten big enough

that it's probably time for her to find a new spot.

[audience laughter and applause]

This is it folks.

Time to get unstuck on our countdown of the top ten times

you wondered how they got their head stuck in there.

Let's give it up for number two.

♪♪♪

WOMAN: Daisy May, What did you do?

ANDY: I know you have a lot of questions,

but first things first, we're going to need a new hamster.

[woman laughing]

WOMAN: Really?

[audience laughter and applause]

Don't go anywhere because when we return,

you'll get to see who wins the number one spot

on today's countdown,

so stick around for more "Totally Funny Animals."

[audience applause]

[upbeat music]

♪♪♪

MAN: Oh, good one. Oh, good one.

[audience laughter and applause]

All night, we have been counting down the top ten times

you wondered how they got their head stuck in there,

but before we reveal number one, let's revisit the first nine.

♪♪♪

Number ten, the polar bucket hat.

Number nine, a basket of swine

WOMAN: Charlotte.

ANDY: Number eight, the canine astronaut.

WOMAN 2: What did you do?

ANDY: Number seven, a little help.

[goat screaming]

Number six, kitty in a cup.

Number five, pool time.

Number four, pumpkin head.

Number three, the cardboard cut up.

Number two, former hamster home.

WOMAN 3: Really?

[audience laughter and applause]

And now, on our countdown of the top ten times

you wondered how they got their head stuck in there,

we proudly present, with extra wonder, number one.

♪♪♪

Oh no, the cow got in the playhouse again.

WOMAN: Okay. Oh, there it went.

Now, you got your--

[audience laughter]

Stevie!

Oh, my God.

You're gonna hit the fence!

[audience laughter]

Oh, my God, it's a Monday morning.

Lord, help me.

How am I gonna get this off his head?

[audience laughter and applause]

Who has more fun than we do? Nobody.

Now, go hug your pet

and make sure you join us next time

on an all new "Totally Funny Animals."

Good night, everybody.

[audience applause]