Original subtitles

[theme song plays]

[audience cheers and applauds]

Hello, everyone. I'm Andy Woodhull

and welcome to "Totally Funny Animals."

Think of us as your own personal Noah's Ark,

except we have way more than just two of every animal

and we don't have anyone on the crew named Noah.

[audience laughs]

So I guess it's Andy's ark.

[audience laughs]

You know, it's funny how dog is man's best friend

but diamonds are a girl's best friend.

It doesn't seem fair-- to girls.

[audience laughs]

I've never heard of a diamond

with two million Instagram followers.

[trap music plays]

Come on, you can get it!

Keep going!

So close!

It's going to be so worth it when you finally get it.

[audience laughs]

♪♪♪

That was a lot of work for a very little reward.

[audience laughs]

"Megan, sit back honey."

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: So what are you doing?

Putting snails on my face.

WOMAN: Why?

I don't know, they're cute.

WOMAN: They are cute.

ANDY: "Cute" is such a subjective term.

[girl screams] Oh, my God!

ANDY: The best thing about

sledding with Allie pulling is,

you don't really need the sled.

[audience laughs]

Charlie is the most patient dog...

MAN: Charlie, stay.

- CHILD: Stay. - MAN: Stay.

ANDY: ...in the world.

MAN: Stay.

CHILD: Stay.

[children and man laughing]

ANDY: What he won't do for his family?

MAN: I can't hold my phone steady

I'm laughin' so hard.

ANDY: Even the most patient dog in the world has limits.

MAN: Aw! [indistinct]

ALL: Aw!

[rock music plays]

ANDY: And we're off!

♪♪♪

[baby laughs]

Come on, baby Emily,

it's time for a little doggy rodeo!

[baby laughs]

Yeehaw, baby Emily, yeehaw!

WOMAN: Kenna.

Kenna, tell me what happened.

I got into the cupboards

and I looked at something pretty.

- WOMAN: Was it the paint? - Yeah.

ANDY: Oh, it was the paint, all right.

WOMAN: Let's look at Jasper over there.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Well, he's not white anymore, isn't he?

Jasper.

Yeah, he's orange and pink.

ANDY: You know, orange and pink is the new calico.

[audience applauds]

Animals are often the most treasured members of the family

and I use the word "treasured"

because they can cost a small fortune.

So, tonight, we're counting down

the top 10 times you wondered why the pet got so expensive.

Let's start it off with number 10.

[mysterious music plays]

Hmm, a money trail.

Time to track down the culprit.

[man laughs]

Eddie, how could you?

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

When people enviously say, "It's a dog's life,"

I think they're referring to the fact

that some dogs sleep about 17 hours a day,

which is what I aspire to.

[upbeat music plays]

Kailyn was enjoying her vacation

away from the daily grind of kindergarten.

Wind in her hair and plenty of snacks.

[audience laughs]

Well, still has the wind in her hair.

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: The bubble's coming?

Are the bubbles coming?

ANDY: Oh, the bubbles are definitely coming

and the anticipation is palpable.

[dogs barking]

It really is the highlight of their day.

[audience laughs]

- WOMAN: Look in that bucket. - Wow!

ANDY: In her defense, the only crabs she had ever seen

were animated in cartoons about mermaids.

- WOMAN: Don't touch it! - [girl screams]

ANDY: Other dogs may be content with the doggie paddle

but he likes to shoot the curl,

hang ten and break with the waves.

It's why locals call him Whitewater Jones.

"And that concludes my morning laps."

"Jeeves, fetch me my towel

and a tuna martini."

MAN: Bluto...

What are you doing?

ANDY: "You know what I'm doing.

"Today is spa day.

"Where's my cucumber?"

When you're a tiny creature on vacation

and often dismissed for being cute,

you need to stand up for yourself.

WOMAN: Ow, he's pinching me!

I feel it there.

ANDY: Oh, he may be little

but he will not let you ruin his vacation.

WOMAN: Ow, oh, my God!

[audience applauds]

Having a dog costs so much, I should be able to claim mine

as a dependent when I do my taxes.

[audience laughs]

And so we count down the top 10 times

you wondered why the pet got so expensive.

Here's number nine.

♪♪♪

When Midnight gets his weekly allowance,

don't be thinking that you can ask him for a loan

because it will not go well.

WOMAN: Can I get the money?

- [woman screams] - [man laughs]

[audience applauds]

I love that my dog snores.

When I hear it, I know she's close by,

plus I've gotten so many cute pictures of her

in her sleep apnea mask.

[audience laughs]

[gentle piano music plays]

[dog snores]

[audience laughs]

[dog snores]

- [audience laughs] - [dog snores]

[dog snores]

[dog snores]

[audience laughs]

[dog snores]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

ANDY: And the countdown continues with number eight.

WOMAN: Give that to me, no!

No, give it to me.

Give it to me.

ANDY: Why does Gigi always grab the C note?

WOMAN: Bring it back!

ANDY: Stakes are just too low

if it was a twenty or a ten.

When Gigi grabs a hundred, she knows the chase is on.

WOMAN: Gigi, bring it back!

Give it to me.

[audience applauds]

We have only just begun to bring you the goods,

so stick around for more "Totally Funny Animals."

[audience cheers and applauds]

[electronic music plays]

♪ One ♪

♪ Two ♪

♪ Three ♪

♪ Now work ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ [indistinct lyrics] ♪

♪ Now work ♪

[audience laughs]

[dog snarling]

WOMAN: I want your bone.

[dog growls]

♪ Now work ♪

♪ To the left ♪

♪ To the right ♪

♪ Go back ♪

[woman laughs]

[audience applauds]

We are counting down the top 10 times

you wondered why the pet got so expensive

and ka-ching, ka-ching!

We're up to lucky number seven.

♪♪♪

Polly want a cracker?

More like Polly want a pizza delivered in the next half hour.

[audience laughs]

And a tip for the driver.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

I love big, wacky comedies

with crazy characters in totally absurd situations,

and the more animals in it, the better.

The only disappointment I ever had

was the movie Animal Farm.

Whoo! That movie wasn't funny at all.

[audience laughs]

Actually kind of depressing.

That's why I'm so excited about this new movie coming out.

Butch is a city dog.

Cowabunga!

But when his owner decides to move to a horse farm...

WOMAN: You ready? Give me the paw.

ANDY: ...this old dog will have to learn some new tricks.

[country music plays]

"That's enough runnin' for today."

With the help of some new friends,

he'll have to learn to strut his stuff...

"Right foot, left foot, right foot."

[audience laughs]

...and pull his weight.

"This is humiliating."

Because sometimes, you hit your lowest lows...

"I'm just a no-good skateboarding punk city dog,

"and that's all I'll ever be."

...before you can reach your highest highs.

Coming this summer.

City Lickers!

Rated PG.

[audience applauds]

I love the snow.

It's pretty, it's fluffy

and it can really wake you up when you're tired

if you put a handful of it down your pants.

Whoo, boy, that is brisk!

Let's go to a magical winter wonderland.

WOMAN: Paige, what are you doing?

Are you gonna go out, or not?

ANDY: "I am ready for adventure!"

[man and woman laughing]

MAN: She disappeared!

Look, look, where's she going?

ANDY: "Where no kitty has gone before."

MAN: She's over there!

[woman laughs]

Sage!

[man and woman laughing]

What are you doing, Sage?

ANDY: "Yeah, on second thought,

"adventure is kind of chilly."

[audience laughs]

...two, three!

[man laughs]

ANDY: Is it possible to be bad at snow?

Because I think Miko is bad at snow.

[audience laughs]

One, two, three!

[audience laughs]

ANDY: Nothin' like a warm dip in the jacuzzi on a snow day.

[audience laughs]

No need to shovel the walkway...

[woman laughs]

...the dogs will get it.

[woman laughs]

[woman laughs]

Snow angels are for everyone!

Snowy weather means cold paws,

and dogs with cold paws sometimes need some comfort.

[audience laughs]

"There, there, buddy,

"spring's just around the corner."

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

We've been counting down the top 10 times

you wondered why the pet got so expensive.

Let's cash in, with number six.

Whiskers loved it when the tooth fairy was lazy

and just put the cash on the bedside table

instead of under the pillow.

Made it so much easier to lift.

"Thank you, tooth fairy!"

[audience laughs and applauds]

Throw on a velour shirt,

some platform shoes, a wide, plaid tie

and maybe even a teal-polyester leisure suit

because we are totally rewinding time

to watch some Retro Pets.

[retro music plays]

If Buck hadn't held her back, that vacuum would've been sorry.

"It's hard out here for a dog."

WOMAN: What're you doin', boy?

ANDY: "Uh, little help?"

WOMAN: What're you doin'?

[woman laughs]

ANDY: "Hello?"

[audience laughs]

"Some messes you just gotta clean up yourself."

"Oh, no!

"That inflatable killer whale seems to be in trouble!

"I got this!

"A canine lifeguards job is never done."

[audience laughs]

"And thanks for not eating me."

[audience laughs]

They did this every morning.

Hammy's lost a few ounces,

Beakley, not so much.

Exercise is easier when you have a buddy.

[audience laughs]

Terry knew the mouse was in there...

[audience laughs]

...and he was not coming out.

But Terry was a problem solver.

[audience laughs]

"There ya go."

[audience laughs, applauds]

Our countdown rolls on.

Here's number five.

WOMAN: What'd you do, huh?

What'd you do?

Did you do this?

ANDY: What? He needed half a dollar for bubble gum.

WOMAN: Did you eat this?

Did you eat this?

[audience applauds]

Don't even think about going anywhere

because there's more "Totally Funny Animals"

coming right up.

[audience cheers and applauds]

[jazzy music playing]

[audience applauds]

All show long, we have been counting down

the top 10 times you wondered why the pet got so expensive,

and we have gleefully reached number four.

WOMAN: Now, Linda,

do you want the coffee, or the money?

[audience laughs]

ANDY: Linda's not a coffee drinker.

[audience applauds]

In this country, all accused animals are innocent

until proven guilty,

even though they're almost always guilty.

[audience laughs]

And that process always unfolds judiciously in Critter Court.

WOMAN: Look at these dogs.

ANDY: These are the culprits.

WOMAN: Look at my house.

[audience laughs]

ANDY: And this is the crime scene.

[audience laughs]

Children, avert your eyes.

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: It gets better.

ANDY: I don't think she means that.

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

[audience laughs]

ANDY: Rare footage of the neighborhood

late-night marshmallow napper!

This dog is guilty of being a rebel.

MAN: Sit.

I gotta talk to you,

you gotta stop biting people, okay?

ANDY: Ow!

It's as easy as stealing flowers from a child.

Oh, no!

WOMAN: So I heard a noise coming out of the one bedroom...

and what did I find?

Oh, what happened here?

[audience laughs]

What happened?

ANDY: "Uh, it's kind of a long story."

Caught red-handed...

[audience laughs]

and blue-eyed?

[audience applauds]

We are headed back to the countdown

with number three!

WOMAN: Hey, Reba.

We're not gonna go to the store for a new bone.

You have all kinds of bones here, okay?

Mama doesn't have the money

to go to the store for a new bone.

ANDY: Like a Charles Dickens tale,

the story of Reba was a harrowing journey

of struggle and suffering...

WOMAN: Okay? Come on,

let's find one you have here, honey.

Come on.

ANDY: ...and some pickpocketing.

WOMAN: Hey!

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Reba!

ANDY: It's not much, but it's a start.

WOMAN: Did you just take money out of my purse?

[audience applauds]

Sometimes you really gotta slow down

and take your time to enjoy

every last bit of something you love.

A good book, an ice cream sundae,

an entire pizza alone in your house on a Friday night.

[audience laughs]

The same goes for animal videos.

It's always a good time to Slow Your Roll.

Make a wish!

Now make a run for it!

The best way to make dental hygiene fun.

Ah, uhh, itchy nose!

Ahh, that's better.

Time to leap over Boomer...

and he didn't even move a little.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

We've been spending cash like it's goin' out of style,

as we count down the top 10 times

you wondered why the pet got so expensive.

Here it is, number two.

She didn't even care that it was out in the open.

Kitties do brazen things to get that next hit of catnip.

[audience laughs]

"Oh. Hey, Lenny."

[audience applauds]

Don't even think of changing that channel

because we're so close to revealing

the number one entry on our countdown

when "Totally Funny Animals" continues.

[audience cheers and applauds]

[Western music plays]

What are you doing?

WOMAN: Justice at his ball.

Oh, Kerry! Oh, no!

Dwayne, he popped it!

[audience laughs and applauds]

Okay, enough horsing around.

All night, we've been counting down

the top 10 times you wondered why the pet got so expensive,

but before we pony up with number one,

let's take a look back at the first nine.

Number 10-- The money shredder.

Number nine-- The cash grab.

Number eight-- 100 reasons to run.

WOMAN: Bring it back!

ANDY: Number seven-- Sticky Talons McGee.

Number six-- The anti-tooth fairy.

Number five-- Digesting dinero.

WOMAN: What'd you do?

ANDY: Number four-- Gimme that.

WOMAN: Hey!

ANDY: Number three-- Puppy purse perpetrator...

WOMAN: Excuse me!

ANDY: ...and number two-- The buck boost.

[audience applauds]

And now, on our countdown of the top 10 times

you wondered why the pet got so expensive,

we proudly present number one.

MAN: Mikey's tryin' to get twenty dollars.

ANDY: It blew right off the table when he got his check

and if he didn't get it back,

they were gonna make him wash dishes for his meal.

[audience laughs]

MAN: Get your twenty dollars, Mike!

ANDY: And then, a furtive fish fiend

used his five-fin discount and took Mike's money.

MAN: No! The fish took it!

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

[audience cheers and applauds]

The ark is back on land

and we're ready to let the animals off,

two-by-two.

Let's do this again real soon,

on "Totally Funny Animals."

Good night, everybody!

[audience cheers and applauds]

♪♪♪