Original subtitles

[theme song playing]

[audience cheering]

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to "Totally Funny Animals."

I'm Andy Woodhull.

This is your regular gathering place

for the domestic, wild, exotic and unique.

I will warn you, however, not all of us are housebroken.

[audience laughs]

After a hard day's work,

I think we all want to be welcomed home

with happiness and joy.

Here's how you can guarantee that.

Just name your dogs Happiness and Joy.

[baby screams]

There's an emotion we should all feel at least once a day.

Cat really doesn't seem to be reciprocating, though.

One sided glee is better than no glee at all.

[audience laughs]

- You want to walk? - ANDY: Oh, yeah.

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: You wanna...

go...

to...

Grandma's house?

[dogs whining]

ANDY: "Grandma always had the good treats."

[audience laughs]

[Andy laughs]

"With the kids finally back in school,

I had the sit and spin all to myself."

[audience laughs]

"Carpe diem, bonkers."

The anticipation was palpable.

They knew what was coming.

MAN: They're waiting at the door, they see all this.

ANDY: Oh, they're waiting all right.

There would be no digging through trash cans on this day.

It was marshmallow time.

MAN: Get back. Come on, now.

ANDY: And if they think this is great,

next weekend he's going to make them s'mores.

And they can't wait.

MAN: Who's next?

WOMAN: Charlie, get him. [barking]

ANDY: Charlie is super happy to be at the beach,

and he wants the world to know it.

[Charlie screams]

Sounds like Charlie could use a lozenge.

[Charlie screams]

Or maybe some chamomile tea.

[Charlie screams]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Dogs are trustworthy and loyal.

But are they good at childcare? That's kind of a gray area.

Tonight, we are counting down

the top 10 reasons dogs shouldn't be babysitters.

We'll start to prove our point with number 10.

[kids laughing]

Kisses good night can be painful.

[thudding]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

When someone is fond of you,

you may notice they start talking like you

or dressing like you.

Gotta admit, it's flattering.

This morning, my dog greeted me wearing this exact same outfit.

I'm kind of bummed she wore it better.

"Listen, I'm a frog.

I puff out my cheeks to attract females.

It doesn't seem to be working for you, dude."

[audience laughs]

The way of the mantis teaches

that it is the skill of the particular practitioner,

and not the size of the opponent.

[audience laughs]

Who has the advantage?

Clearly, it is the mantis.

[audience laughs]

It is the goat version of monkey see, monkey do.

[both laughing]

-He's copying me. -WOMAN: Do it again.

ANDY: More like Emily jump, goat jump.

[audience laughs]

Now if only she can get the goat to do her homework.

Nellie never danced like this at the clubs.

But that is because Nellie never found a dance partner

as good as Polar Bear Pete before.

[audience laughs]

Neighbors have called the authorities repeatedly.

[dog screams]

Because they could swear

there was a baby in distress in that apartment.

[dog screams]

But it's just Hector.

Sophia wanted to be a snail for Halloween,

so mommy made her a top notch costume.

But that shell was making her a little top-heavy.

[audience laughs]

"Come on, everybody. Do the ostrich."

Yeah, ostriches actually don't like to be imitated.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

You may be able to pay them next to nothing.

But take heed, because we're counting down

the top 10 reasons dogs shouldn't be allowed to babysit.

We're at number nine.

Fortunately, this is only a doll,

but it drives home the point

dogs should never be allowed to babysit.

KID: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Everyone has a dog breed that they're partial to.

But we all know the overall favorite

is the golden retriever.

I should know. I live with one.

And she told me this morning if I didn't say

goldens are the best on today's show,

we would have a real problem when I got home tonight.

♪♪♪

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: Come on. Let's go for a walk.

It's the best way to walk a dog.

WOMAN: No.

WOMAN: Oh, my God. [laughs]

WOMAN: Oh, good boy! [screams]

[all laughing]

[all laughing]

ANDY: And the countdown continues with number eight.

They are just too selfish to comfort.

[all laughing]

[girl crying]

[audience applauding]

Put that leash down.

You can go for a walk later

because you'll want to be right here

when "Totally Funny Animals" continues.

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪

[kid screaming]

[woman screaming]

WOMAN: Ooh. [laughs]

[pig screaming]

MAN: Eight seconds.

[man laughs]

[audience applauding]

We've been counting down

the top 10 reasons dogs shouldn't babysit.

Here we are at number seven.

[lullaby playing]

They go to extremes to keep the baby warm.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

One of the biggest hassles of homeownership

has to be yard maintenance.

I'm terrible at it. I get bored with mowing.

So halfway through, I quit

and my lawn ends up with a mullet.

[audience laughs]

But if you want real help, call the professional.

"Is your lawn too overgrown

for you and your pets to be comfortable?

Then call the canine lawn care service.

There is no job too big.

[woman laughs]

And no branch too high.

[man laughs]

And no tree too whatever is happening here.

[audience laughs]

For the canine lawn care service,

you won't be barking up the wrong tree.

Worried your lawn is too big?

We'll bring backup.

Or should I say ba-a-a-ack up?

Call the canine lawn care service.

We'll be so happy to help."

[kid laughing]

[audience applauding]

Most animals seem to have endless energy.

But every once in a while, even an overcaffeinated bunny

can have a case of the lazies.

Majesty, grace, speed

are all traits that Rusty doesn't have.

[audience laughs]

MAN: Max, get up.

ANDY: "Do I have to?"

MAN: Max, get up.

[audience laughs]

- ANDY: "Did I do it?" - MAN: Get up.

ANDY: "Yeah, that's all you're getting."

WOMAN: Tonk, do you want to play?

ANDY: I don't think he does.

Oh, you can keep trying.

[audience laughs]

Tonk's not feeling it at all.

[audience laughs]

Oh, sure, it wrinkles all the papers,

but look how comfortable he looks.

No one could move that cat.

[audience laughs]

When it comes to walking dogs on a leash chain,

you're only as fast as your slowest member.

[audience laughs]

[dog barking]

Yertle is off to a big adventure.

It's not his fault that you happen to be right behind him.

WOMAN: No. Where are you going?

Don't start walking down the middle of the road.

Hey, man, get to the side.

Come on, turtle.

No, you seriously gonna lay down?

What?

ANDY: Adventuring is exhausting.

GIRL: One...

two, three.

[man laughs]

ANDY: Dawson's not a fan of magic.

WOMAN: What do you think about that, Dawson? Where'd she go?

GIRL: Nap time.

[audience applauding]

We've been counting down

the top 10 reasons dogs shouldn't babysit.

Let's check out number six.

Because a playground day with Dozer

can be a little perilous.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Sometimes our retro pet videos need a little more context.

That's why I'm so thankful that old cameras

used to include a little marker of the date and time.

Now we know the full story.

It's time for Retro Pets presents.

Butch is the only farm hand in history

to also be a bull.

And it all started on this day, December 19th, 1990.

When he redistributed a haystack in record time.

[kid laughing]

[audience laughs]

First contact between the dogs and the prairie dogs

took place on the 15th June in the year 2000.

And to this day, relations remain tenuous.

[audience laughs]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

ANDY: Lollipop the parrot's birthday is December 15th.

♪ Happy birthday, Lollipop ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

ANDY: And in 2004, no one remembered.

[audience laughs]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

ANDY: Sarah would later tell her therapist

that her fear of dogs started sometime in August 1997.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

February 4th, 1996.

A blizzard devastates the American Midwest

and Slappy Thurman invents horse skating.

[audience laughs]

"Yee haw."

[audience applauding]

Our countdown rolls on. Here's number five.

CHILD: Go, Wesley, go.

ANDY: Because snow days with Wesley

tend to be pretty uneventful.

WOMAN: Yeah, snowballs. He likes snowballs.

ANDY: Until they aren't.

WOMAN: Oh. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Don't go anywhere,

because "Totally Funny Animals" will be back

with more hilarious videos

that'll really get your tail wagging.

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪

-[thudding] -MAN: Tried to help him.

[audience laughs]

[woman laughs]

♪♪♪

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

All show long, mom and dad have been out on the town

while we've been counting down

the top 10 reasons dogs shouldn't babysit.

Here we are at number four.

WOMAN: Poor Rue.

ANDY: Rue was mostly a great babysitter.

WOMAN: Yeah, I said it. Poor Rue.

ANDY: But sometimes he would reach his limit.

[woman laughs] Oh, baby.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We are just speeding through my nap time.

But that's okay, I'll grab some shut eye

while you enjoy these sleepy time videos.

Sometimes during a really good nap,

your weight can shift.

[audience laughs]

When Stripe is really relaxed,

he seems to gain like eight more legs.

[audience laughs]

It had been a long day,

a walk, the dog park,

and a squirrel sighting.

You can't blame him.

WOMAN: Oop. [laughs]

Jinxy has been sending emails all day

and just needed to grab a little cat nap.

[audience laughs]

He's only a few days old,

and already he is fighting to stay awake past his bedtime.

[audience laughs]

"But it is so hard not to slumber.

I'm up. I'm up. Did I miss anything?

I was just resting my eyes."

[audience laughs]

KID: You're getting very sleepy.

You're getting very sleepy.

You're getting very sleepy.

ANDY: Nighty night, flippy.

[audience laughs]

Oh, she was fine on the windowsill

until she had that falling dream.

[audience laughs]

Sandy's favorite show's on. Wake her up.

WOMAN: There's nothing. She's out.

Watch it.

ANDY: Ah, she can watch it tomorrow online.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We are headed back to the countdown

with number three.

Because the dog teaches them some pretty gross habits.

WOMAN: Allison. Get out of there. Yucky.

Hey, get out of there.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

It's a game we all play with our pets.

Are you staying in or going out?

I spend more time at the door with my dog

than anywhere else in the house.

Make a decision already.

WOMAN: What are you doing? Do you want out?

-Do you want out? -ANDY: "Yeah, lady, open up."

WOMAN: You don't think there's any other way to get out?

No other way?

ANDY: "Well, sure, if you want to be obvious about it."

[meowing]

This was always how it worked.

Ginger would meow and meow and never get what she wanted.

Then it dawned on her.

Could she do it? Is it even possible?

Well, I'll be darned.

[audience laughs]

Bingo was just two hind legs away from freedom.

But he was a good boy

and had to weigh the moral implications.

On one hand,

he's not supposed to leave the house.

[audience laughs]

But on the other, it's not his fault

the screened in window could be chewed through so easily.

A dog could lose it

thinking of all the philosophical implications.

"I did it. I ripped off the safety door.

I gotta tell Leo about this."

When Spot's ready to come in, you'll know.

"All done. Time to come in.

Open up. It's chilly.

Hello?"

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

The kids are in bed and mom and dad are on the way home.

And not a moment too soon

because it's time for number two on our countdown

of the top 10 reasons the dog shouldn't babysit.

Let's check it out.

Lola's still figuring out the stroller.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

When we return, I'll get to share

the number one video on tonight's countdown.

Get ready to have your mind blown

when "Totally Funny Animals" continue.

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪

[all laughing]

[audience laughs]

[kid laughing]

WOMAN: ...on the table?

[all laughing]

WOMAN: Wanna go potty?

No? [laughs]

WOMAN: Good girl. You got it.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

All show long we've been counting down

the top 10 reasons dogs shouldn't babysit.

But before we reveal number one,

let's take another look at the first nine.

Number 10. Ooh, icky.

Number nine. Somebody save the baby.

Number eight. "I'll be taking that."

Number seven. Better than earmuffs.

Number six. Slidy-slide shenanigans.

Number five. Brace yourself.

WOMAN: Oh. [laughs]

Number four. "Take that."

[woman laughs]

Number three. Refreshing.

WOMAN: Allison!

Number two. Runaway stroller. Runaway stroller.

-WOMAN: Oh. [laughs] -[kid laughs]

[audience applauding]

And now, on our countdown

of the top 10 reasons dogs shouldn't babysit

we proudly present number one.

WOMAN: Cooper.

Stop it. Cooper.

ANDY: When it is time for bed,

Cooper didn't want to hear any excuses.

No bedtime story.

No "I want a drink of water"

and no "Can I stay up five more minutes?"

To Cooper, bedtime meant bedtime.

So go to bed.

Not a lot of compassion from Cooper as a babysitter.

WOMAN: Drop the baby.

[audience applauding]

I want to thank you for spending

some of your time with us tonight.

We can't wait to do this all again

on the next "Totally Funny Animals."

Good night, everybody.

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪