Original subtitles

[theme song plays]

[audience cheers and applauds]

Hi, everybody. I'm Andy Woodhull.

Welcome to "Totally Funny Animals,"

the show that opens the barn door,

unhooks the leash, and flies the coop

with the funniest animal videos

I could scrounge up on the Internet

five minutes before the show.

[audience laughs]

In the winter, when I was a kid,

I would be the first one up

and listening to the radio for school closures.

There was nothing better for kids or animals

than a bona fide snow day.

Piper loved a day off from school

for some serious sledding.

She also loved picking up the occasional hitchhiker.

WOMAN: Watch out, Piper. Oh, you just-- [laughs]

ANDY: Snow days are the best.

"Oh, my hind paws just get so cold."

Let the other dogs pull the sled.

Okie was all about riding the sled.

MAN: Well done, Okie.

ANDY: It's way more fun.

[audience laughs]

The cold and the snow

just seemed to slow Carson down a bit.

[audience laughs]

There would be no frolicking until the entire path was clear.

Dad had to get to work after all.

WOMAN: Come on.

ANDY: "Yeah, but it's cold out there.

And it's warm in here."

WOMAN: Come on.

ANDY: Some horses like the cold weather,

and some preferred staying inside.

WOMAN: Come on.

ANDY: Make no mistake about it.

WOMAN: Come on.

You gonna close the door?

ANDY: He ain't coming out.

It made him feel like he was the lead dog in the Iditarod,

guiding his team from Anchorage to Nome

across the frozen tundra,

through blizzards and whiteouts,

without ever leaving the yard.

All that was worth the occasional brain freeze.

It snowed all night,

and Bandit could not wait to play in it.

[woman laughs]

I think it's a little colder than Bandit thought.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

My Grandpa Woodhull used to always say,

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight,

but the size of the fight in the dog."

And that's true.

Never judge something by its size.

So, in honor of my grampy, tonight we'll be counting down

the top 10 little creatures with big attitudes,

and we kick it off with number 10.

[meowing]

Now, no one would blame you for thinking

the bear would definitely have the upper hand

in this particular situation.

No one will blame you, but you'd be wrong.

[audience laughs]

MAN: Look at this.

ANDY: Well played, kitty cat.

MAN: The cat chased him up a tree.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Sometimes I think about moving out of the city

and settling down on a nice piece of land

somewhere with a bunch of crops and animals.

I just wish farmers didn't have to get up so early

and take care of crops and animals.

[audience laughs]

Otherwise, it would be a perfect vacation.

The modern day shepherd gathers his flock

on a mini ATV,

and the herd respects that.

[audience laughs]

Easy there, little guy, once you're off your vehicle,

you leave yourself vulnerable to the whims of the flock.

WOMAN: Whoa! [laughs]

ANDY: Who needs a fancy radio on the farm?

All you need is a xylophone and some chickens.

That is some sweet, sweet rooster riffing.

She was great getting Roanoke down

for his afternoon nap.

There you go.

Now she could only do something about those night terrors.

[girl screams]

She's working on it.

WOMAN: Oh, no, no, no.

ANDY: No, not a red shirt.

Everyone knows you don't wear a red shirt

when trying to bring in a stray.

[woman exclaims]

You should really wear green next time.

WOMAN: Knocked him on his keister.

[man laughs]

[dinging]

ANDY: It was at this moment he realized

trespassing is never a good idea.

-[dogs barking] -MAN: Oh. Hey, Coco.

[man laughs]

Hi. Hi, Dallas.

-Give me lovings? -[bleats loudly]

ANDY: Dallas was loud.

No lovings?

ANDY: Surprisingly loud.

[bleats loudly]

There is so much to pay attention to when riding,

but one of the most important things.

MAN: Watch your head. [laughs]

[pig grunts]

ANDY: Randy was too scared to ride a great big horse.

He thought a little piggy might be more his speed.

He was mistaken.

[woman laughs]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Stand tall because we're counting down

the top 10 little creatures with big attitudes.

And here we are at number nine.

Gizmo hated glasses.

[audience laughs]

He thinks contacts would make you look younger.

WOMAN: Gizmo.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

It must be great being a bunny or a kangaroo

just hopping around everywhere you go.

For the rest of us, we still have to use a trampoline.

♪♪♪

[audience laughs]

MAN: Why are you under the trampoline, Floyd?

Uh, where are you going?

[woman laughs]

WOMAN: And it flaps its wings every time you jump.

[audience laughs]

[kid grunts]

-[girl screaming] -[woman laughing]

[audience laughs]

[all laughing]

[audience applauding]

ANDY: And the countdown continues with number eight.

To you and me,

that would be like having a flaming hot cheese snack

the size of a nuclear submarine.

Hope there are three other giant ants

following behind them with a giant pop.

Those flaming hot snacks can be spicy.

WOMAN: That's awesome.

[audience applauding]

Do yourself a favor

and have some ants crawl into the kitchen

and get you some snacks,

because you won't want to miss a moment

when "Totally Funny Animals" continues.

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪

WOMAN: Come. Come.

[all exclaiming, laughing]

[woman laughs]

[duck quacks]

[audience laughs]

[all exclaiming]

[audience laughs]

WOMAN: Oh. Oh, my God.

Are you okay? [laughs]

[audience applauding]

Take a moment to look downward because we're counting down

the top 10 little creatures with big attitudes.

Here's number seven.

[dog growling]

Ooh, Bert wanted in that paper bag,

but it was already occupied.

[cat hissing]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Let's look now to a "Totally Funny Animals"

After School Special.

Get ready for the heartwarming tale

of the wallaby, the boy and the ball.

American teen Miles McSimmons was new to Australia

and not sure if he would ever fit in.

And then he met a winsome wallaby named Walt.

And they had one thing in common. Football.

Coming this fall to "Totally Funny Animals,"

a movie that'll make you laugh, will make you cry.

And have you wanting to watch again and again.

The Boy, The Wallaby and The Ball.

It will restore your faith in friendship

and teach you how to love again.

The Boy, The Wallaby and The Ball.

If you only see one marsupial

coming-of-age movie this year,

this is really your only option.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

It recently dawned on me that maybe playgrounds

aren't really meant for human children.

Think about how much a cat would love that sandbox.

How much a goat would like climbing that castle.

And come on.

It's obvious who the monkey bars are really for.

It's right there in the name.

If you assemble your own jungle gym,

it's a good idea to stress test before your kids get on it.

And mama bears know

there are no better stress testers than bear cubs.

CHILD: Holy flamingo.

[kids laughing]

[indistinct]

ANDY: "Darn these slippery paws."

If you tease a squirrel,

there are going to be some repercussions.

[kid screaming]

Not all dogs are built for the jungle gym.

WOMAN: Oh. [laughs]

ANDY: Angus was on a rampage

and no jungle gym in the neighborhood was safe.

In his defense,

CHILD: He's going back for more.

ANDY: ...that swing set looked at him funny.

CHILD: Whoa. [laughs]

ANDY: Brutus loved the playground.

He was just a little awkward on the slide.

[man laughs]

WOMAN: Good job.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We've been counting down the top 10

little creatures with big attitudes.

It's time to check out number six.

Anton was a lumberjack.

-MAN: Like moving a house. -ANDY: Not quite.

This is just a log in what soon will be Anton's house

Some place nice for him and his ant wife to retire.

MAN: No, he'll push and take a break.

-WOMAN: Yeah. -MAN: And say let's go again.

ANDY: Listen, if you're not going to help him,

just get out of here.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Let's relive the glory days

when animals didn't have to worry about 4K video

with a look back at tonight's Pet-tastic Pets.

Bowling time.

MAN: Yeah, Bach!

ANDY: Yeah. I don't need bumpers.

MAN: Yeah, Bach! [laughs]

[bees buzzing]

MAN: My bees.

ANDY: Every session with the bees,

one of them gets stuck in the beekeeper's outfit

with a hole in it.

[woman screaming]

MAN: Drop and roll!

ANDY: It's a little like Russian roulette.

MAN: [indistinct].

[man laughs]

ANDY: Why do they call them piggyback rides?

When you try to do it with an actual pig,

it proves extremely difficult.

[audience laughs]

Who wants some puppies?

[child screams] No.

Too many puppies. Too many puppies.

WOMAN: Sit down, [indistinct].

ANDY: If she sits down, she'll be eaten alive.

-WOMAN: Sit down. -CHILD: No.

ANDY: Part squirrel, part dog.

All Baxter.

[man laughs]

Some people say they prefer spin class

to riding outdoors

because the coach motivates you to go fast.

MAN: You better go fast.

ANDY: Those people have never biked alligator alley.

If he was on a peloton, he'd be dead.

Paula and Ron didn't tolerate any apple thieves

by their apple trees.

No matter who they were.

If that hose stretched a little farther

and had a little more water pressure,

that bear would really be in trouble.

[audience laughs]

It's time to play how many kittens are in the boot?

I love this game.

That's two.

Three.

Four kittens?

Five.

And six. Six kittens.

If you guessed six kittens and a mouse,

then I owe you a pop.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Our countdown rolls on.

Here's number five.

[dog barking]

As long as the door stayed closed,

he remained the big dog of the house.

Oh, yeah. They're nervous.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We'll be back with more "Totally Funny Animals"

right after this short break.

So don't go anywhere.

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪

♪ I'm not holding back and I'm not [indistinct] ♪

MAN: Ooh, baby.

[all exclaiming]

[all laughing]

WOMAN: Shake that head off.

♪ I'm not holding back and I know I can do it better ♪

WOMAN She's gotten quicker-- Oh, my goodness.

[dog barking]

[woman laughs]

♪ This is my [indistinct] ♪

MAN: Sorry.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We've been celebrating the little guy

on our countdown of the top 10

little creatures with big attitudes.

Check out number four.

Peter Prairie Dog was wily.

He knew that he'd be safe behind the water.

Well, until the automatic sprinkler shut off.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

I love doing this show so much,

I tried to make episodes longer

by airing them in slow motion.

Let's just say it tested poorly.

But they still let me slow down this part of the show.

It's time for Slow Your Roll.

♪♪♪

Less Baywatch and more watch out.

[audience laughs]

The majestic Binksy.

[audience laughs]

Missed it by that much.

[audience laughs]

His name was Buster Boinga Brown.

Boinga. Boinga. Boinga.

[audience laughs]

Ginger knows when it's time to wake up.

[audience laughs]

Don't worry, boys. Pumpkin's got this one.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We are headed back to the countdown

with number three.

Dusty the miniature donkey

didn't care if you were a warm-blood.

He'd pick fights with anyone.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

It's hard to still look cool when you stumble and fall down.

If it happens to you, here's a little trick.

Get up, brush yourself off, and say,

"Did anyone else feel that sudden burst of gravity?"

You'll be the most popular guy at the party.

Well, hello, Mr. Elephant.

Slippery out today, isn't it?

MAN: Whoops, whoops. [laughs]

ANDY: Ooh, dangly.

[indistinct]

These two have to learn to share.

[child grunting]

All right, my turn.

[child exclaims]

Scruffy plays rough.

Oh. [laughs]

MAN: Oh. [laughs]

MAN: Come on.

ANDY: What's the quickest way

down a spiral staircase?

[man laughs]

-You all right? -WOMAN: Yeah.

ANDY: Don't worry. Only the dog is watching.

And the rest of America.

In...

and out.

You got this, Billy.

WOMAN: Oh. Uh-oh. Okay?

ANDY: "Yep. Just resting."

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We've built up enough steam

that we're about to blow the lid off this laugh train

as we count down the top 10

little creatures with big attitudes.

Let's take a look at number two.

"Tonight, boys, we dine."

WOMAN: They are-- they're going to see

if they can come over for the barbecue.

[man laughs]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

When we return,

I'll share the number one video on our countdown,

so stick around for more "Totally Funny Animals".

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪

[dog barking]

[man laughs]

[dog growling]

[meowing]

WOMAN: Lola, I think you got a friend on you.

[woman laughs]

WOMAN: Oh, you almost got it, Kate.

[laughs] Oh, you got it.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

We love animals of all shapes and sizes,

but tonight we've been counting down

the top 10 little creatures with big attitudes.

But before we reveal number one,

let's recap and resize with the first nine.

Number 10-- Who's the scaredy-cat now?

Number nine-- LASIK monkey.

Number eight-- Let's split three ways.

Number seven--

The cat let itself out of the bag.

Number six-

Timber!

Number five--

"Neener, neener, neener."

Number four--

Give him your mean face, Augie.

Number three--

What a little pain in the tail.

And number two--

Someone fill a thimble with salsa.

-We got dipping to do. -WOMAN: They're going to see

if they can come over for the barbecue.

[audience cheering]

And now, on our countdown

of the top 10 little creatures with big attitudes,

let's all marvel at number one.

Doesn't matter that he's little.

You shouldn't tell him no.

MAN: Uh, uh, uh, no.

-[monkey screams] -[man screams]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

Hope you had more fun

than a barrel of monkeys with us tonight.

Although, I assume

that one monkey at the bottom of the barrel

is not having nearly as much fun as the others.

Let's do this again real soon

on the next "Totally Funny Animals".

Good night, everybody.

[audience cheering]

♪♪♪