Original subtitles

[theme music plays]

[audience cheers and applauds]

Hello, everyone, I'm Andy Woodhull

and welcome to "Totally Funny Animals",

the show that brings you hundreds of animals,

all at once, without that pesky smell.

[audience laughs]

There are over twenty quintillion

animals on the planet.

"Quintillion"?

That sounds like a number made up by a three-year-old

when you asked him how many jellybeans he can eat.

There are only about eight billion of us,

so we are drastically outnumbered here.

All I'm saying is, be cool everybody

because they could totally take over

if the wide world of animals ever got organized.

♪♪♪

MAN: Hello.

ANDY: It was the kind of village

that a neighbour like Mickey thought

he could just spring by anytime for a visit,

or maybe get a bite to eat.

WOMAN:

ANDY: Yeah, he had no problem

making himself at home,

even if it wasn't exactly his home.

[audience laughs]

You know, most neighbors just borrow a cup of sugar.

- WOMAN: Oh, my God. - MAN: No, no, no, no.

[woman screams] Oh, my God.

ANDY: After a full day of foraging and mauling,

a bear likes to relax with a cold one...

MAN: Don't mess with my beer.

ANDY: ...and he knew just where to find one.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

[indistinct chatter]

ANDY: Mm, so many choices.

[indistinct]

ANDY: Wonder what he's hankering for?

[indistinct]

ANDY: An energy drink will do the trick.

[girl laughs]

It's just the boost he needs.

GIRL: He took the energy water.

MAN: Why they all just come out now?

They was all-- Oh, God.

WOMAN: They're crossing.

They-- they know--

[woman breathing heavily]

I'm so scared, I can't do this,

I'm about to start crying, please.

MAN: They're gonna move, They're gonna cross.

WOMAN: [indistinct].

MAN: I know, but this one too close.

WOMAN: Oh, please, please, please.

[woman breathing heavily]

[audience laughs]

ANDY: Just remain calm, everyone.

WOMAN: I'm gonna have a panic attack.

ANDY: And here he comes. You can panic now.

[man shouting]

[dramatic music playing]

ANDY: Oh, there is a reason

these two teeny, tiny dogs

have so much attitude.

Yeah, they were fearless, these two, all because...

they had older brothers.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

We often think of all dogs

as masculine, fierce and protective,

but that isn't how it always is.

There are a few pretty wimpy dogs out there.

So tonight, we're counting down

the top ten times the dog was a 'fraidy cat.

Let's kick it off with number 10.

MAN: Tina and I went to a yard sale

and bought this, thinking he was cute.

ANDY: It is cute.

MAN: Somebody, somebody doesn't like him.

Max.

Max.

See?

ANDY: I knew Max wouldn't like it.

MAN: Max.

Max.

ANDY: I can't really tell

if Max is scared of the tchotchke,

or mad because he knows it'll be a pain to dust.

Either way, he's a 'fraidy cat.

[audience applauds]

There are lessons to be learned from our animal friends.

We get "slow and steady wins the race"

from The Hare and the Tortoise.

The Ant and the Grasshopper taught us about

saving food for the winter,

and my golden retriever taught me

to lick all my food first so no one wants to eat it.

There is wisdom in animal inspiration.

[dramatic music plays]

[man laughs]

WOMAN: The wind's catching it.

[man laughs]

ANDY: Set your goals high and you will meet the challenge

and get your reward.

MAN: Gotta have his treat, do whatever it takes.

ANDY: They think they're so smart

hanging that bird-feeder so high.

[audience laughs]

"There's no goal too lofty,"

that's what Papa Bear always said.

Come on bear-y, work those arms.

On second thought, way too much hassle,

Papa Bear can handle it.

[pop music plays]

ANDY: "I'm gonna get you, squirrel."

"Hi-yah."

"Get."

"Hooyah."

"I warned ya."

"And stay out."

Protecting this family was stressing Butchie out.

He knew the kids could swim,

but Dad made him really nervous.

"Don't worry. I got him."

WOMAN: Oh.

Help him.

[audience applauds]

We aren't judging

but we are counting down the top ten times

the dog was a 'fraidy cat

and we're up to number nine.

WOMAN: Cliff, come on, get in the house.

Get in the house.

[audience laughs]

Cliff, get in the house.

Get in the house.

[audience laughs]

Cliff, get in the house.

Get in the house, big guy.

ANDY: It's okay, Cliff.

You don't need to be a 'fraidy cat.

WOMAN: Get in the house.

[audience applauds]

Sometimes, no matter how capable you may be,

you need some assistance,

and sometimes that assistance comes from an animal.

I let my dog do the dishes.

There's no shame in asking for a little help.

-[pig squealing] -[upbeat rock music plays]

[audience laughs]

MAN: Here you go, little fella.

[man laughs] Look at him go.

[audience applauds]

ANDY: It's time to check out number eight on the countdown.

Easy buddy, easy.

[audience applauds]

Be just like a very well-behaved dog and sit,

now stay, nice job.

Because there's a whole lot more

"Totally Funny Animals" right around the corner.

[audience cheers and applauds]

[trap music plays]

[woman screams]

[doorbell ringing]

[audience applauds]

Now, don't freak out but we're up to number seven

on our countdown of the top ten times

the dog was a 'fraidy cat.

Let's take a look.

[chicks chirping]

ANDY: That time Pebbles couldn't hold his own

against these hatchling home invaders.

WOMAN: Relax, Pebbles, relax.

ANDY: Relax.

This dog's more of a chicken than a chicken.

A baby chicken.

[audience applauds]

The fastest animal on the planet is the peregrine falcon.

It can fly up to 242 miles per hour,

yet they often arrive late to things.

Probably traffic.

I like to celebrate the slower animals,

they take their time getting places.

The garden snail, the sloth, heck,

a sea anemone spends most of its time completely still,

just holding onto a rock.

That is a gig I could handle.

Let's celebrate those heroes on today's "Slow Your Roll."

♪♪♪

With jowls like those,

it's a wonder Butch doesn't just fly away.

[audience laughs]

All right, everybody in.

A rare miscalculation on Petunia's part.

And now, the battle between Chomper and cheeseball.

Muffin time.

Mm, blueberry.

Any other takers?

[audience applauds]

Why is it when two dogs share a spaghetti noodle

from opposite ends, it's cute,

but when me and my neighbourhood squirrel do the exact same thing

with a piece of chewed gum, it's gross?

What? It's nice to share a meal.

WOMAN: Sit, good boy.

Here is your birthday cake.

ANDY: It was the best birthday ever.

Not only did he get his favorite ham cake,

but no one showed up to the party uninvited.

Uh, except Shelly?

Pay her no mind.

WOMAN: You gotta be kidding me.

ANDY: She's just a little socially awkward.

MAN: Go get it, go get it.

Come on, [indistinct name], get your food.

ANDY: "I'm so tired of the cat always stealing my kibble."

"Time to put on my mean face."

[dog whining]

[audience laughs]

"I could see him interrupting now

"but I have some stuff I'd like to say

"about me not gettin' any of that food later."

Binx would tolerate tap water now and then

but if he had his 'druthers,

it would be fish-flavored H2O every time.

[audience laughs]

A little thing we like to call teamwork...

and it does, indeed, make the dream work.

WOMAN: You like the cheese?

[cat meowing]

You want a lick?

ANDY: Socks loves cheese...

WOMAN: Is it good?

ANDY: ...but hates sharing.

WOMAN: Can I give the rest to the dogs?

[screeches]

[audience applauds]

We are counting down the top ten times

the dog was a 'fraidy cat.

We're not afraid, so let's keep it up with number six.

MAN: All right, go for it. First time on the escalator.

ANDY: Okay, one foot first and--

nope, nope, nope, nope.

MAN: You got this.

Yeah, we got this.

[audience applauds]

Get ready to take a gander at the fails of the past.

It's time for today's Pet-tastic Pets.

We are gathered here today for a momentous occasion.

The life-long union between Snickers...

and her groom, Skittles.

GIRL: We're gathered here today to celebrate the wedding

of Snickers and Skittles.

ANDY: Darn it, I always cry at these things.

Snickers, do you take Skittles as your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

You may kiss the bride.

Get the carriage.

ANDY: Very tasteful wedding kiss.

I think these two crazy birds are gonna make it.

People always wondered how Carol straightened her hair.

They also wondered why she never answered the question.

No farm activity was too dangerous with grandpa around.

Good save, guys.

You need help?

ANDY: Our countdown rolls on, here's number five.

Sneak attack.

[dog yelping]

And thus began Tanner's life-long fear

of Venetian blinds.

[dog yelping]

He isn't wild about drapes either.

[woman laughs]

[audience applauds]

There's a whole lot more show to come.

We'll continue our countdown,

laugh at some more hilarious pets

and maybe even learn something about ourselves.

"Totally Funny Animals" just keeps on keepin' on.

[theme song plays]

[upbeat rock music playing]

WOMAN: Aw.

WOMAN: Oh!

WOMAN: What did you think was gonna happen?

[audience applauds]

Perhaps you've noticed that all show long,

we've been counting down the top ten times

the dog was a 'fraidy cat.

Let's keep the good times rolling with number four.

Fritz didn't know who that dog in the mirror was,

but he didn't like his attitude

and he thought his hair looked dumb.

I get tired of all the back and forth

between dog people and cat people.

Just call yourselves animal people and call it a day.

Plus, we all know the very best homes have both cats and dogs.

WOMAN: Who's in your bed, Zoe?

ANDY: Who does it look like?

WOMAN: Why is the kitty cat in the big bed

and you're in the little bed?

ANDY: Because we live in an unjust world, Wilma.

WOMAN: That's supposed to be the kitty cat's bed, Zoe.

ANDY: Hey, has anyone seen Milo?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

ANDY: When the kitty isn't feeling it,

there's always his understudy.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

ANDY: Yeah, he's got this.

[audience laughs]

Quick, duck.

Rex has been tailing this cat all through the forest

and has yet to be seen.

[audience laughs]

Okay, go.

And down.

Oh, he's good, he's very good.

The cat has got to go.

WOMAN: Good boy, Biscuit.

ANDY: It sure is a lazy Sunday afternoon,

but all that can change with one single word.

MAN: Cat.

[audience applauds]

ANDY: We are headed back to the countdown

with number three.

[cheerful piano music plays]

In his defense,

it was a pretty good painting of a cat.

And when the sunlight hit it at the right angle...

you could swear he saw it move.

[audience applauds]

The phrase "dog is man's best friend"

was coined by King Frederick the Great of Prussia,

in the 1700s, and no,

it's not because he had trouble meeting people.

He just knew how special a bond with a dog can really be.

So do these people.

ANDY: "You are not taking us for a walk dressed like that."

[audience laughs]

They were puppies second,

they were fashionistas first and foremost.

Sleep, Charlie.

Sleep, Charlie.

Sleep.

ANDY: Nice.

Now, make him cluck like a chicken.

Cletus knows, you work with what you have.

[sneezes]

Gesundheit.

It's time that we double down on this video,

as we count down the top ten times

the dog was a 'fraidy cat.

Here it is, number two.

That time Tank tried to tuck in

the sleeping baby doll,

only to find out, it was still awake.

"What the heck?"

[audience applauds]

What will the number one video on our countdown be?

We'll show you

when "Totally Funny Animals" continues.

[audience cheers and applauds]

[suspenseful music plays]

-[child screaming] -WOMAN: It's just a butterfly.

[shrieking]

WOMAN: Whatcha got goin' on here, Wyatt?

Ow, that tickles.

All show long, we've been counting down

the top ten times the dog was a 'fraidy cat,

and it has been quite the journey.

But before we reveal the number one video,

let's revisit the first nine.

Number ten, the doggelganger.

Number nine.

Little guy, big growl.

Number eight, watch it.

Number seven, home invaders.

Number six, watch your step.

Number five, in the blind spot.

Number four, the mutt in the mirror.

Number three, so life-like.

Number two, haunted doll.

And now, on our countdown of the top ten times

the dog was a 'fraidy cat,

we proudly present number one.

Barney knew he was outnumbered but he was a big, bad Labrador

and they were just a bunch of vulnerable birds.

Now was his time.

And here he goes.

Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea, bad idea.

[audience applauds]

And here we are at the end of another

hilarious trip into the animal kingdom,

it's the hairiest place on Earth, you know.

And furriest.

And scaliest.

There's a lot going on here.

Let's do it all again next time on another

"Totally Funny Animals."

[audience cheers and applauds]

♪♪♪