All language subtitles for The Comedian(2005) en

Hello, I'm Robert Evans from
ESPN Sports Network.

You know, in the beginning
from the 70s,

when it was producing
the The Godfather films,

had a jacuzzi
in my caravan

and every day it filled him
with apple juice.

Do you have any idea of the flavor?
of Diane Keaton's pussy

after soaking
in apple juice all day?

Nick Nolte would have done
Star Wars

a film ten times better.

Fuck you for this, Chewbacca.

Go fix the damn hyper drive.
Cum...

I give your dog the cupcake
whatever I feel like, man.

I've stopped plotting them.

Oh, does it give you diarrhea?
I hope you do

fucking diarrhea
whole apartment, mine.

Motherfucker, then move.

Barking and...

George Bush will be re-elected.

But there is good news.

It will trigger Level 7

from the biblical apocalypse of Doom.

There is not a part of you

that he would like to die in the apocalypse?

Kerry won't give me that!

Bush in 2004!

Thank you good night!

Thank you very much for coming.
Thank you good night.

- How long did I do it?
- Three hours.

What?

Yes, two and a half hours.

- Three and a half hours?
- Two and a half hours, for sure.

I have the feeling of doing
something like "dah".

- Right.
- Do you know?

What I mean is, when
We look back and think,

"Ah, good. Why the hell...? Dah.

Why is it never
Didn't anyone do this?"

Why do I, Nick, Zak,
Patrice, Brian Posehn...

and Sarah Silverman... Why the hell
Are we doing comedy clubs?

But you're doing it, aren't you, Patton?
You and Cross...

With this punk comedy tour,
Yes, I'll call it punk or indie rock.

Cross has... Cross has
the hairy ass crack.

I have breasts.

We are not the ideal duo
to do so.

Someone is coming who will do it.
It won't be us.

We are the ugly ones
who are preparing the ground.

Someone will liven this up,
but it won't be us.

Sorry.

I'm preparing the ground
to the next type.

That's my goal.

FIVE MONTHS LATER

Test two.
Can I do this for you?

- Come here.
- Sound, sound.

Come here, don't be shy.
Don't be shy.

Come here.

I had to do a show in Baltimore,
at the Comedy Factory Outlet.

Six comedians, six dollars.

-Comedy Factory Outlet?
- Comedy Factory Outlet.

-Outlit?
- Outlet.

On Charles Street.
Horrible.

Six comedians, six dollars.

One dollar, one joke.
It was the name of the show.

I was the presenter.
Six comedians.

A guy comes to me
before the show and says...

He's already dressed, and he says: "I want it
ask my girlfriend to marry me.

During the show."
And I say, "Great.

I do the show.
The last comedian leaves and I say."

And he says: "I want to do it at the beginning."

And I'm like, "You know, maybe
be better... We'll do it in the end.

When the show is going strong."

It's him:
"The customer is always right."

He tells me that, like this,
and I respond:

"No, I know. I'm just saying that
That way the show gets better."

It will be better for you." And he:
"The customer is always right.

My name is Mike, she's Donna.

Say, 'Donna, Mike has
one thing to ask of you.'"

And he leaves.

And then the manager said:

"He's the one who pays for the drinks,
do as he says." So...

I went up to the stage. I tried to say
a couple of jokes,

just to warm up the public,

but the guy is really
in the first row to do...

Like this. As if to say,
"now".

I'm here listening to you make jokes
and laughing about many things, but

if you step on that risk,
I kick you out. That's why...

No stress. She has already been warned.

And friends too
noticed the warning.

If there is problem,
they will try to shut her up quickly,

but she already knows.

- Very good.
- Yes.

I realized soon
that this was going to go wrong

and she said, "Donna, Mike
I have something to ask of you."

And Mike gets up,
all clumsy.

"Donna, in front of all these people.
We date

and I think you are very special.
I think you're the one, and I want...

The woman takes it straight away
hands to head.

Are you on stage?

I'm on stage.
The show hasn't even started.

I haven't even been able to do it yet
my part.

What kind of shows
do they usually have here?

Well, indie rock.
Some hip-hop.

So... it's strange to have
a comedy show?

No, we've had others
intimate shows.

Intimate shows, how?

Without being rock,
I'm just an artist.

Chairs.

And he continues:
"I want to ask you to marry me."

And here's what she responds.

With hands on head,
like this, and she says:

"You know the answer is no."

That was what she said.

You know the answer is no.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Patton Oswalt.

Who wants to announce me?

- I go.
- Someone who does.

- Here I go.
- Do anything.

- Can it be short?
- Very short. Just announce me.

Ladies and gentlemen of Seattle,
Patton Oswalt.

It seems to me like they're having fun
with me. But thanks.

I'm not worth all this.
Damn!

Guys, thank you very much.
This is the first night

from the tourComedians of Comedy.

Thank you very much
for coming

DAY 1

and for filling the room.
Damn!

I�.

You're going to make a special cut,
like a comedy cut?

It's called The Oswalton.

Instead of having a sandwich
with your name...

I have a haircut.
I have a comedy cut.

Short from the back and side. It's a little
more volume on top

and the short increases
from the side to the top.

It's called an Oswalt.
Makes me funny.

And it makes Republicans hate me.

If you support... I love meeting people
who support George Bush

and they are not millionaires.
I am amazed.

They say something like "I
I support George Bush until the end."

And I say, "Wow, you
He must be a billionaire."

And they: "No, I earn about
$60,000 a year.”

And me:
"Really? So...

I don't know if you know that George
We don't give a damn about you.

You knew?
He doesn't think about himself."

If you support George Bush
and they are not millionaires,

They're like a girl from the Mid-West.
Michael Damien

go to your state fair,
sings his version of Rock On

It's all swollen... But you think:
"This guy was on TV."

So they give him a blowjob
behind the carousel,

they run home and say to their mother:
"Mommy, Michael Damien loves me.

He will take me away
of this end of the world."

And your mother says, "Honey,
Michael Damien liked the brooch,

but he doesn't come to get you.

You will continue here and work
in the clothing store until you die.

You will never leave this earth.
You will die here.

He doesn't give a damn."

If they support George Bush, they are
a stupid girl who gives blowjobs

at a fair.
That's what you are.

Well, this tour... Patton, it was you
that you set it up, or...

Yes, I helped put it together with...

It was my idea, but then,
as I am brainless,

fortunately I teamed up with an excellent
producer, who really knows

organize these things, and a guy
from Chunklet Magazinewhich

promotes shows
of indie rock for years.

It occurred to me... I was doing
a show at the beginning of the year

in a comedy club... I'm not
to belittle them, they are great

in what they do, but many
young people, from 18 to 24,

They don't have the money for that.
There is a minimum consumption of two drinks,

the parking, the ticket.

These are the people who support bands
of indie rock for 20 years,

are able to follow a band.

I hope they start
to do that with comedy,

because very few people
follow comedians, their evolution...

It can be so enriching,
exasperating and fun

how to follow a jazz musician
or a rock band and say:

"My God, it was horrible,
but then he became very good."

It is noted that they experience,
the ones that are really good.

So I thought, there has to be a way
to rent small concert halls

that are not very expensive.

And so you can lower prices.

OK. My God.
The camera is already there.

I love the world
of the show.

OK,
he told you that I...

Hilarious. He confused me with
another comedian and

I thought I was ordinary.
I don't say nonsense.

- I'm completely... I'm not...
- Do you remember me telling you?

- that she was very ordinary?
- I'm a little strange,

I make characters,
but I'm completely decent...

It's almost
contrary to that.

Not that I don't like
ordinariness and depression.

Because it is a beautiful form of art.

But it seems like I can't...

It doesn't work for me.

I like doing voices
in my show.

Have you ever been
completely stupid for no reason?

Even stupid ones.
I like being like that in stores.

I go to a Target-type place...

"You know what? If you can't help me,

so I need to talk
with anyone who can.

Because this is a pair
of $3 flip flops.

I hope. I came to return some shoes
rubber one Friday night,

I have time."

Imagine you enter
and get angry about something

really important.

"You know what,
If you can't help me,

so I need to talk to someone
that can,

because this is a pair of slippers
of $3 made by a girl

of five years from Guatemala.

And I'm not leaving here until she receives
benefits and education

under the agreement
of fair trade NAFTA.

Yes, better call the manager."

I want an experience
different in the south.

I did a show in Boise, Idaho.

There was a guy who screamed
at a regular pace,

"Yippee!"

It was even funny.
He had a certain joke

and it was even there in the back and...

But the club is very strict,
Don't allow yourself to scream

during the show,
if this is not the concept,

if it is not an interactive show.

I think they tried
let the man leave,

but he refused. I didn't know
what was going on.

I didn't hear anything. And I continued
doing my show.

Suddenly, I hear...

They called the local police,

that stunned the guy
with a taser.

He falls to the ground, starts to crawl
towards the stage and says:

"I'm having fun. I want
see the rest of the show."

But they had the taser.
I don't know if they used it again.

But then they dragged him
from there.

He later found out from the police

that they had finished
to buy tasers.

They were dying to use them.

This is where I live.

My wife lives on the other side
of the House. Keep me here refounded.

Yes...

� spin
when Melanie's family,

the first time they came to the house.

- When they...?
- When they bought it.

They had never seen
how I live

and then they saw this room
and they were like...

"It's colorful. You have it here
lots of junk.

Do you have a pool?"

It's still a dog.

I'm Melanie, Brian's wife.
Two weeks.

- You're kidding.
- I have a husband.

It's so adult.

- I'm a wife.
- Hey, you're a wife.

- We have to go.
- Are you going to leave me?

- I love you.
- I am going to miss you.

You're sweaty.

Goodbye, guys. Have fun.

We bought a dog.

It's completely crazy.
It's my first dog.

And every hour
It's dog time.

Well, maybe not all of them, but half.
It's a basset hound,

that's why he sleeps a lot
and it has a sad look.

Suddenly, they pass
and they start running around the house.

Therefore, we say that it is always
dog time

and he runs across the wooden floor.
This is a true story.

I repeat: it's a real story.

Because people don't believe
when I tell it.

So the dog is running

and my wife
go to the bathroom.

Our toilet is small,
close to the ground. I don't know why,

but I was already at the house
and we don't change it.

She's sitting there
reading Lucky Magazine,

sending a fax,

It is...

It is...

Ernie comes running.
Ernie is the dog.

It's dog time,
he's out of his mind.

And she doesn't see him.

He runs in,
she is reading the magazine

and he starts licking her
down there.

I know. I know, true story.

It's not the back door.
It is the main entrance.

The front gate.

Just like you,
I was horrified.

But then I freaked out.

I looked at the dog and said:
"So, man?

I thought we were friends.

In this house we have rules.

This is number one:

Don't lick the lady's bird.

Neither can I."

And I can't rub it in his face
to teach you a lesson.

I'm already staying
no bullshit to say.

I've been here for five minutes.

At home it's so strange.

"Yes, these are my things."

I would be terrible at MTV Cribs.

"Sometimes my wife
let me eat it here.

Once here.

I ran out of money,
because I bought a game.

And that huge TV.

What else?
Do you want a Coca-Cola?

Have you ever had sex
in your office?

You just asked me
Have I ever had sex in my office?

Yes. With the dolls
of the Simpsons to watch.

In autumn the trolls come out
and dance under a magic bridge

the dance of the trolls
It's a dance

that makes you vomit
and rape your children

See, nobody gives us money.

MARIA AND BRIAN MEET
WITH PATTON IN SEATTLE.

Very early on, the worst
The advice they gave me was...

I made a joke about...
It was at rehearsal,

but he said my father died
when I was two years old.

And that I was raised by my mother

and that I always had to deal with
with her boyfriends.

As simple as that.

And a guy tells me:

"That joke about
your mother's boyfriends

It's very depressing. You shouldn't
say your father died."

And I: "But he died, so
It's just that my mother had boyfriends."

And I swear the guy,
who is also a comedian,

but not my style,
look at me

and says: "Say it before
your parents got divorced."

And in my head...

This was before I met Pribs
and those guys,

That's what made me see that

I didn't want to do it
what that guy did.

I would like to continue doing
a version of what I did.

Because for me it was crazy.

Lying because it's not that sad, and...

Change my story?

We can do it like Hard Day's Night
and you chase them down the street?

My God!

You are the type of series
Oh, What a Life!?

I am.

- Amazing!
- Hello.

All good?

- I spend a lot of time at home writing.
- Right.

Then I leave...
It happens even where I live,

in Sherman Oaks.
I'm going to the bank

and people freak out.
It's strange.

- Or else...
- So strange!

What's more... If you go to one
tourist site,

It's madness. If you go to Disneyland
it doesn't stop, all day long.

It's funny. It doesn't bother me.
No, it doesn't bother me at all.

- Posehn, Maria Bamford.
- Maria Bamford.

PATTON PROMOTES THE SHOW
IN A RECORD STORE.

Welcome
Patton Oswalt.

Oh my God! Wow!

Thank you all, the 15 of you
for filling this space.

There was that...

Do you remember the guy from San Francisco
who had to wear a Hawaiian shirt

every time I went on stage,

because the first joke was always
about the Hawaiian shirt?

- It's like...
- I don't remember.

"You're thinking, 'He made a
blowjob to John Ho in exchange for the shirt?'

No, I gave him a blowjob
because he is a great artist."

It was his first joke
every night.

Oh, come on. It's infallible.

Yes, but every night there was
to wear a Hawaiian shirt.

Go up to the end and then we turn
It's left on Broadway.

- It's on Broadway.
- Yes sir.

I love the idea of your...
That is, someone dressed you.

Yes.

What the hell...
Look at this shit

- What happened?
- Look at this.

What happened to me
coming here in this shirt?

In this shirt that I wore and buttoned.

Some guys jumped on me
and they put this shirt on me.

And they sewed it to my skin.
Never...

I have to talk about this.

It's ridiculous.

It has to be the first thing...
Because I know you think,

- if I hadn't mentioned that...
- It would be stupid.

My shirt is so ridiculous that
you couldn't even concentrate

if I hadn't mentioned it.

Because they would be waiting.

"When will he talk about that
ridiculous shirt?"

"If they gave me a shirt like that
I ran out of jokes."

But I know what you think
that I will have, and I do.

I'm a comedian.
Professional comedian.

When I was little
and cell phones appeared...

I lived in Virginia. A friend of mine...
His mother was so stupid.

She said: "If you pass through a neighborhood
of blacks or Hispanics

don't take your cell phone out of your pocket,
otherwise they will kill you."

"Why?"
"Because they realize they are rich."

"What? Cell phones are cheap,
What kind of conversation is this?"

Today I live in LA and when I pass
by car in Burbank,

when I pass through a neighborhood
of blacks or Hispanics,

my cell phone stops working.

Will it be a Sprint service?
"Hey, black people!" Goodbye, network.

Did I miss something?

Call me.

Exactly. Cum.

A few years ago...

I was fucking a girl.
Yes, I was fucking a girl.

She was eating it.
She was eating it.

I had a basic package
cable TV, I'm a pussy.

So...

I was afraid
to have gotten her pregnant

and she also, and said:
"I need a morning-after pill.

Let’s go get one.”

I had never...
I don't know...

"Just go buy it?"

And she: "We have to go to the
Family planning."

We went to
Family planning.

Where my cell phone didn't work.

And she said... Sorry...
The lady of

Family Planning said:

"We can't give you the pill
without prescription,

but you can go to Costco

and there they sell you the pill
the next day." At Costco!

I'm not making it up.
It's for sale

at the prescription counter
Costco doctors.

"Ah, at Costco you can buy
macaroni and cheese for a year,

a 200 liter drum of grape juice,
or a pill that kills babies."

Good!

There we went
and along the way...

On the way to Costco
we have a tender moment

and she says:
"You know, I really like you,

and I even imagine myself having
a child with you."

And I: "I really like you too.
And I also imagine myself

to have a child with you."
It was a tender moment.

But then, after five
minutes at Costco,

I just thought, "Where the hell
Is it the counter?"

If you ever have to decide
between having or not having a child,

go to a Costco or a K-mart

and look at the mothers
25 years old and looking blank

with their seven children.

From one side to the other, the kids...

They even hire a skinheadto give
kick your girlfriend in the stomach.

Just for... I swear
which is so bad.

It's still so bad.

I am convinced that
those idiots with their

litters of idiots

go and get out of there
with children they didn't take.

They arrive with five children,
two of them move away

even another idiot's litter

and they end up with two exchanged children.

It's a kind of
weird pollination.

Like, "Take two of mine and,
Hi, what are you...

It doesn't matter. Take it."

I don't understand how there is
famous kidnapping cases...

Is it difficult to abduct children?

If they go to Costco, I bet
if you approach these women

and grab one of the children,
they even tell you:

"Thanks."

"Goodbye."

"Can I take you? Good.
Fix. Great."

What a sinister laugh that is
ago? They also hear,

or is it just me?

Is this place haunted?

They are enjoying it
or are they like:

"Look at that jerk."

Is everything okay back there?

It is.

OK. Wow, it suddenly became
with a deep voice.

You are a man with a woman's laugh,

or a woman with a man's voice?

Or do we have a double team?

"You laugh and I respond.

I talk, you laugh."

OK, I'll be here later

just to lose your head.

I really wanted...
I was so excited.

I just wanted to come here,
warm you up.

But you don't need that.
This is fantastic.

I arrived here
and you were like:

"Hey, what...
I don't know.

I'm ready.

Abortion with skinhead.
I'm convinced! Great.

Fantastic.

Angry!"

You are incredible.

I brought two friends.

They are two of my comedians
preferred.

I will introduce them during the night,
so be cool.

They are hilarious.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know him.
You guys love him.

From the series Ai, Que Vida!
And Mr. Show,

one of my best
comedian friends.

Mr. Brian Posehn.

Seriously?

Fantastic.

Yes, we will see.

Give me a minute.
He was...

Cum. You screamed
and my sausage turned out weird.

It wasn't hard,
the opposite was tough.

It was like...

The best thing was... At the time there was
long hair.

Trucker type.
I was in a bar,

I went on stage, in black leather
and long hair.

And before even taking off the microphone
of the support,

one guy shouts: "Sissy!"
There was general laughter.

The public went crazy.

"He really looks
a sissy.

I agree."

And then... I had to drag myself
out of this hole,

but it was impossible.

I don't...
I don't remember

if I got some laughs,

but I had to put on a show.

I've been a nerd...
30 years.

I know, you're thinking:
"Dude, you're over 30."

I'm 38, but the first ones
eight don't count,

because we never look at a kid
or a baby and we think:

"What a great nerd.

That baby never
there's going to be sex."

The chromice came later.

But I'm a different nerd.
I'm a metal chrome.

Are there metal fans here?

Large metal chrome. In high school
it was even more total

that Garth from
The Stupider the Better.

I don't know how,
but I did it.

When I was in high school
I interviewed bands.

Because he worked at the newspaper
from school. Clear.

What more could I do?

It's true... But I realized something
with these bands,

I'm the last person who
they want to have as faith.

Metal types were dedicated,
learned to play instruments,

spent a lot of time in the garage
and they dedicated themselves to...

How do you say...
Pussy? Is that the word?

I stood backstage and said:
"You dominate."

"That guy... I give up."

It's true,
I met W.A.S.P.

Yeah!

Seriously?

fuck like
an animal, man!

Remember
from the fly?

I love it, but
they are rubbish.

I met them.
It's true.

I was 15 years old and I met
the guitarist for W.A.S.P.

He was an inveterate drunkard,

what it was like in the movie
The Metal Years,

and I met him. It's true.
I said:

"Chris Holmes, give me
an autograph?"

He looked at me and said:
"Get some boobs."

Interest,
I was destroyed.

It's the only thing that stops me
to be a sensual woman.

A pair of tits.

If I had a good shelf,
you are more horrified.

"That guy is nothing
attractive live,

but damn, there is
huge breasts.

I'll catch fire in your eyes
and bury them."

There was a place...

Was it Bonnet Creek or
San Leandro?

Somewhere around the Bay Area.
It was in the Bay Area.

They had...
There was a giant screen in front of me.

I'm here and the screen
giant is there.

And he's playing a game.

Some people are
watching the game

and they are angry because
they don't listen to the game.

And because I'm standing there talking

dating and my cat

It's brutal.
There are many rooms like this.

This always amazed me.

How does it happen?

"What is the worst environment
where can you perform live?"

Yes, yes.

“Could it be giving away the Super Bowl?
Yes!"

I'm from the Mid-West,
from Minnesota.

My mother told me a little while ago...
Now I live in Hollywood.

It's strange.

I live there and my mother
he told me a little while ago:

"Daughter, without makeup
You look mentally ill."

Now, when I go home,
I insist on doing

a big green shadow
in the eyes

and put on lipstick
It's around the lips.

"And now, the baby
Are you beautiful already, mommy?”

Is the baby pretty already?

I like RandB.
I listen to Alicia Keys.

She has a new song.
Alicia Keys is a goofy goose.

In the middle of the new song
does a Barry White-like voice.

She's pretending to be a maid
table for her boyfriend.

Or a guy you just met.
I do, OK, I do.

"Yes, is it Michael?
I don't usually do this.

Whenever you go to the restaurant
you order the special.

With hot chocolate.

The manager always says
to use water.

But for you I always use
milk and cream.

You always appear in a suit
and shiny cufflinks.

What do you do in life?
Seems interesting.

Wait, I'm running out of network.
Can you hear me yet?"

At a show in Detroit
a little woman stood up.

She said, "This is a drought.
Does anyone else think this is a drought?

I'm so tired of your voices.
Why don't you call the other guy?"

I'll leave you with a song.
It's true, I sing too.

Can you believe it? So much talent
in such a compact size.

It's an American classic,
Sing if you know the words.

Old MacDonald
had a pterodactyl

With a...

Thank you very much, guys.

Wow, how crazy, ah?

Cum.

The show was fantastic.

And the jokes were
all excellent.

Yes. They were great.

I'm glad it stayed.

Thanks.
I had fun.

Maybe next time they'll let you
speak into the microphone.

Perhaps...

If I have the cuvettes
clean ice

DAY 2

God can't kill me

If I...

clench your fists
at a regular pace

the darkness inside me
they will not control my hands

they won't even force me to do things
I don't want to do

Violent things or
sexual and inappropriate

And I, since
sing this song

No...

I will get AIDS.

Do you think it's funny?

Are you...
Screw you.

OK sorry. They are doing
film...

See you later, cell phone
of stories, goodbye.

It's my story phone.

I record stories on it and people
they can call and listen to a story.

- This is fantastic!
- Amazing.

I was there, I heard
what were you saying and...

I was looking for you.
What is she doing?

I forget the microphone is on.
Yes, the story phone.

It was great. It was a lot of fun.

But you know...
History-

Story cell phone?

Creed! Look at you,
You're stocked.

Are we filming this?

What? I have two types
of dried meat.

I didn't "fill up".

And two types of Nerds,

and a Nutrageous bar.

- What's the problem?
- Film this speech.

- What it was?
- Mr. Judge, I present to the jury...

OK, I'm used to it
to these Nerds. I adore.

But I will try
the Nerd Rope [rope].

- The Nerd Rope.
- Nerd Rope!

No, it's cute.

That's how I'm going to commit suicide,
with a Nerd Rope.

I didn't know
that you were crazy about chocolates.

Yes! Like, "Now I have these,
I haven't tried Rope yet.

I have to... " And with the medals
and the strip is the same.

Also like Nerds.
They were made for me.

We are in the 5th Avenue Suite
downtown.

Where are you guys staying?

25th and South...
South-East Hawthorne.

25th and Hawthone, please.

- OK.
- And we'll pay you to wait.

We have to go get something
and then we come back.

- It's a comic book store.
- Very good.

Thanks.

My favorite day of the week.

Comic book day.

WE CANNOT TAKE CAMERAS
INSIDE THE STORE.

- It's only ten minutes.
- I still hear it.

Exactly.

Please continue narrating
what's going on.

Of course.

TEN MINUTES LATER
THE CAMERAMAN

GO TO AN ALLEY AND PUT
THE CAMERA ON THE FLOOR.

We've been here.
I like this one.

This was the era
we were looking.

Exactly. It was years ago.

THIS STORE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE
FROM THE CITY, AWAY FROM THE HOTEL.

� EVENING LET'S MEET
HUMORIST ZACH GALIFIANAKIS.

WE DON'T KNOW THAT HE
IT HAS ARRIVED,

AND IT'S ABOUT
ENTERING THE SCENE.

Where are you going now?

Let's go back to the hotel.

How did you appear?

I read Patton's blog.

The show is at 8:30 am and there is
a wine tasting at 5 in the lobby.

From 5 to... I know.
See you there, I hope.

I have to go to the radio.
I'll be late, but I'll show up.

Fix. I will
Air America Radio.

Dude, relax.
Act naturally.

- No, this... I read...
- It's natural.

In Details Magazine.
Being coolis now like this.

OK, cool.

- So... And so too.
- Like this?

OK, guys.

What an idiot.

Is this firm?
Can I step?

- Of course!
- Are you sure?

Are you making fun of me?
I'm going to fall and...

hit the balls with your knees?
Wait.

Wow. How great.

Looks like Roy Scheider.
I like.

Wow. Just look.

It looks like a Cylon's balls.
Look, how weird.

For the three stickers.
"Yes, it's from Battlestar Galactica.

A race of android clones.
The effects were by John Dykstra.

Initially he didn't...
Had to... Piss!"

Today Brian and I went
buy comics,

until Excalibur, because Wednesday...
Let go of that shit, man!

Then my friend Jeff called me.

The comic strips
They're like drug addicts.

On Wednesdays, when we buy
new books, we connect with each other

and we talk about what we bought.

He said:
"So, man, what did you buy?"

I have it on my lap,
I'm already a little excited.

"I bought Ultimate FF 11 and the new
X-Men 5by Joss Whedon.

And Ex Machina 4."

It's him:
"Did you buy the Avengers?"

And I: "No.
Is it from Bendis?”

He says yes and I:
"Cum!"

It was like my drug dealer
had set me up.

As if he had tricked me.
"Damn, they had Peruvian Blonde

and they didn't give it to me?
I'll gut that motherfucker!"

First issue of Elric.

Ex Machinanumber four,
Sleepernumber four.

Astonishing X-Men 5,
Conan 8.

Fantastic Four 11,

and the last number of Remains,
five out of five.

I also bought Conan.

And Ex Machina.

Runaways.

And Astonishing, the next one.

For.

I'm embarrassed
with something I love.

Because it's a very lonely thing

and it's your thing and you know
that's stupid

be almost 40 years old and still
like comics.

But... Most
Most people don't understand...

I don't know.

Right?

Now I prefer not to talk.

Do you feel this way too?

I prefer not to talk about it now.

I hate Star Wars.

I hate.

But there is the other side:
I loved Star Wars.

I spent 20 years of my life
to love that.

But then they made The Phantom Menace
and Attack of the Shits.

Now I hate it.

And I worshiped George Lucas.

I spent so much money on bullshit
that guy.

And now...
For me those two films

they are a betrayal.

For me, it's like

if my uncle touched his dick
It's my mouth.

Exactly.

Nothing scary. Not when we are
kids. That is, now.

Now. We have
30 something years old

an uncle is a friend,
He's our favorite family member.

We hate our mother,
Grandma, but uncle is cool.

He got me high,
gave me my first Trojan.

Until Christmas arrives.

Everyone sleeps, we see
the Lettermanand suddenly:

"What's that behind your ear?
Cum!

It's my uncle trying to put
the dick in my mouth!"

The Phantom Menace
it was like this.

Like chrome.

So, two years pass

and we think: "Last Christmas
he didn't try to rape me in the mouth.

It was an unprecedented time.

You'll never do that again."

And Attack of the Clones,
two hours later...

"Cum!"

I'm not even going to see the third one.
Because I know it's a trick.

There probably won't even be a movie.

I'm going into an empty cinema,

Lucas will be there
and you're going to rape me.

I'm going to cry, it ends

and then he does the same again,
put on a Greedo mask

and calls it a special edition.

"Cum!"

"Greedo came first!"

This one's for the nerds.

Fire...

This is a mental illness,
right? Am I right?

It's a mental illness.

- This lifestyle.
- Yes.

This one...
"They told me how to act

and if you don't have 30 pairs
in Nikes..."

- They're all the same.
- The same kind of people.

Here comes the Dodge Viper
and the...

He has his car
in remote-controlled version.

Someone who bombs
Los Angeles, please.

This weekend was good.

I love the people of LA. T�m
many special needs.

In Los Angeles there are many
spiritual people.

In the cafe, there was a lady
It's in front of me

asking, "Hi, sorry.

Is the coffee organic?

Can I make one
quick question?

Thanks.

I know it was made by nuns.
Were they cloistered?

Forget it.
No, no, no.

I don't want to. Give me a glass
of boiling water with ice.

And then I wanted a hamburger
turkey, emulsified,

and served in my hands.

Not on a plate. I'm allergic.
Thanks!

Thank you very much."

How did the radio interview go?

It even went well. We fail
how I hate the radio.

And they agreed that it's lame.

It's difficult
be funny on the radio.

"Patton Osweeld,
tell us about Leah Remini.

- It's sensual.
- "Man, can you get me a date?

Be careful, *Bruver* is crazy.

OK.
I can't speak for him."

When I got there they had

a bag of traches
on the table. Seriously.

I'm Patton. Pleasure.

- This works?
- There it is.

There is better grip for a
comedian than a bag of stuff?

Never loses the joke.

Exactly.

It's the third, fourth, eighth time.

- Fantastic, thank you.
- You are welcome.

It's just not funny when
I go crazy with them

and jump.
And I blow them up.

Then it stops being funny.

He did what you did,
but much faster and more...

I go crazy with
the bag of traches.

Are you going to Eugene next?

Tomorrow is Eugene, yes. How much
time from here? Two hours?

- Yes, two hours.
- Good.

There you have to talk to a morning guy...
Icky. Vinny and Icky, I think.

I think I spoke to them at the beginning of the
week when I was in New York.

I called them, I think.
I don't know.

I spoke to someone.
It was horrible.

You shouldn't go to programs
in the morning, right?

It's horrible, man.
The radio in the morning is...

The radio should have a morning program
in which they recognized

that being awake is bullshit,
It's not funny, we're grumpy,

but they are always...

Shut that noise to me.

They are all
excited from the cafe.

And the fiasco.

KUFO. Here we go.
Green Day, Brain Stew

and Jaded Ed, is the program
Courtin Boomer.

Today we have Patton Oswalt.
How are you, Patton?

- Hello, Portland.
- How are you, man?

- Well, what about you?
- Good.

It was impossible
you will be more relaxed.

Really...
It's not fun being on the radio

and have fun?

He is reclining in the chair,
feet on the table.

You need a beer.
We have beer.

- Have you seen the film A Little Revenge?
- Yes.

- It's good.
- I liked.

It's really good,
I was surprised.

It reminds me of many
things I did.

The cast is excellent.

- That's right.
- Have you ever made a good film?

- I never did anything.
- I've never even seen a good movie.

- I've never been an actor.
- OK.

I'm not proud of that.
Nor will I ever be proud.

I made television that I'm proud of,
but no movies, nothing.

- No TV.
- Seriously?

Anything.

The series I was doing on Fox
It was cancelled, fortunately.

- It wasn't, no.
- Yes, it was.

This week is over,
happily.

Entertainment Tonight appeared,
they interview all the actors.

They asked, "Do you think people
Are you going to watch this series?"

This was last year.
And I: "I don't think so."

There is one thing.
You enjoy it so much

with each other.

- There's nothing wrong...
- Everyone does it.

There's nothing bad.
By the way.

I just feel good doing this
In front of other comedians.

I prefer to do it like this
than talking behind your back.

Do you love that people
enjoy cruelly.

I love it, I love it.

The next comedian is another
one of my favorites.

You adored him in
Tru Calling.

And in the movies Bubble Boy
and Below.

He's hilarious.

I'm very happy for him
be doing this part of the tour.

He's here today.
You see it.

An applause for
Zack Galifiniakis!

Zack Galifiniakis, fire!

Thank you very much.

Maria Bamford, right?

And Patton Oswalt,
right?

And... Bill Cosby was great.

Brian Posehn and...
the Wayans brothers.

I'm writing a script,
it's called

Schindler's List 2:
Let's Liven Up This Party.

There should be a morning after pill
for the Moon Over My Hammmy sandwich.

I hate to be gross, but the only situation
where it's good to shout "I have diarrhea"

It's playing Scrabble.

Because it's worth a shitload of points.

- This camera too.
- Let's go

along Kaua'i's North Shore
talking about the 13 year old girl

who was bitten and left without an arm,
the surfer.

We were talking about her,
let's rent a car

and she appears on the road.
She had the surfboard,

imagine, an arm.

And we: "Oh, my God!"
Literally,

"Do you remember that girl?"
And there she was.

- Strange.
- Cosmic... We called him.

What were you saying about the place
where did we go today?

Ground Control. It's a fantastic place.

- What is it?
- Did you film it?

We were there...
It seemed like something out of a dream.

- Thanks.
- They should find him.

They were just arcade games.
From the 80s.

I was loving it.

It looks like this place
it was made for me.

It exudes Atari and arcade classics.

Get lost!

This is wonderful.

There must have been 50 games, right?

All working perfectly.

And they are all from...

- Tomorrow I get up early.
- Jungle Team?

Yes. Burger Time,
Big Dug

Robotron, Defender,
Stargate.

I played on a machine
across the street...

We're right back with Today's Trading Cards.

My name is Zack Galifiniakis.

All this weekend
It's dedicated to stickers.

Don't do that!

I have been working for eight years
with this patch.

It's not funny at all.

He fucked up.

Doing this is fun.
Turn on and turn off.

“Two juices, please.
Now! Now!”

Where is the bathroom?

I don't know if it will work.
Sometimes it works.

The character's name is: The guy who
which talks too much about the Garfield movie.

Have you seen the Garfield movie?

He wears sunglasses.

Eat lasagna and Odie
protect him from his blows.

What do they always say when
Do we start a new job?

"Here we are
a little different.

It's a kind of madhouse.

Hold on tight,
It's going to be a wild ride."

But it never is.

I had a job like that.
He gave training and said:

"OK, man. I'll train you.
Fax is a bit tricky.

Seriously, man.
You have to score nine first.

No, many people try
use the fax and say:

"Ah, it doesn't work." And me:
"Did you score nine?"

Once a week we have bagels.

And once a month Rajeev brings
mini cupcakes. It's Monday.

Guess what it's called?
Mini Cupcake Monday.

It's a drought.

You'll want to commit suicide,
but wait until Friday.

"Every 15 days is informal Friday.
No hats or t-shirts.

No t-shirts or sneakers."

I'm looking forward to a job
May it be as crazy as they promise.

"Hi, I'm going to train you.
I'm Zakynthos, the talking rabbit.

I deal with the volcano.
You're going to work for Thor.

It's the dwarf. Don't worry, he

It's dwarf. It's always
rummage through the recycling, naked,

Looking for bottles.

Lunch is from noon to one,
but time shrinks,

so try to come back
before Acceleration.

Take your slippers
and the barbecue tongs.

If you have questions,
back to the fifth dimension.

I'll be here in mine
lily leaf."

Can I interview you
quickly?

- Yes of course.
- What is your name?

Kim.

- I know.
- I thought you were talking to me.

- No, I'm not talking to you.
- Oh.

They didn't let you in
because you are under 21?

Yes. Patton. I interviewed him
for my final year project,

That's why I really wanted to come

and he said I could come in.

So, I came and it was like:
"Sorry but..."

I stayed outside and it was good.
Good thing it didn't rain.

Show me where you came from.

I saw this place full of class.

Fix. So you saw the whole show.

Yes. When people
they moved, you could see.

DAY 3

Do you need a headset?

It's my wife.
Hello, darling.

I love you.

It's Patton.

She says "I'm sorry".

- I love you, doll.
- Why did I keep the lattecold?

Seriously. How are things?

- "Seriously."
- "Seriously, how are things?"

I'm being filmed.

Did I show you my fans' mail?

You have to see it.

Maria, you won't want
see this.

I want.

You really don't want to see this.

- No?
- No, it's very...

Did you see this?

Let's start like this.

...Zack and everyone likes Raymond.

Someone is having a baby.

- What it was?
- He lost his contact lenses.

Obviously.

- What...
- This is my favorite.

Take it out. This appears
in anatomy books.

Well, he doesn't want to have sex.
I'm going to cum all over him.

There has to be
gay mental retards, right?

There must be mentally disabled people

who want to have sex
with people of the same sex.

Where is their stop?

There are two oppressed groups.

They should make a stop.

I just want to hear the slogans.
In the street.

"We're here, we're gay...

Apples!" Who doesn't like apples...
Isn't it?

Apples are good too.
They get distracted. I get distracted.

A beautiful juicy apple. Clear.

- Then you just want to fuck.
- Good material for the documentary.

I know. I want to fuck.
I want to fuck.

- OK, I'm just saying...
- He doesn't want to.

No, no.

I want to fuck one of the assistants.
It doesn't matter.

I need gay sex.

Because Margaret is debuting
a documentary. We have to compete.

I'm going to try to steal your audience.

I usually play a game.
A friend of mine recorded the expression

and called him "gay cowards".

We look into each other's eyes,
tongues sticking out, very close together,

And suddenly,
we are not gay.

The first to retreat loses.

My friends already know.

I can call the coward gay. It's not
like in poker, where you score

one day. Gay cowards can
happen at any time.

I've usually had a few beers,

I call it and my friends know
who have to play when I call him.

It's always like...

"That shirt
It looks really good on you.”

And he: "Damn!"

"Have you been exercising, man?"

"Fuck off!"

Then we look into each other's eyes,

Tongues sticking out, almost touching.

But then, we're not gay.

That made me think
that the fact that we do it

is gayer than gays
have gay anal sex.

A guy full of dicks, with holes
full, it's less gay

than me and my friends
to do...

Red-hot balls?

I think I'll have to take
the red-hot balls.

The crazy guy
Oh, What a Life!.

- What is your name?
-Kevin

- Take the stroller and...
- Exactly.

I'm right in front of him.

Talk to him.
Say hello to my wife.

Hello, wife.
How are you?

I'm the crazy type
Oh, What a Life!.

That pala...

I don't understand what you want
say with this.

I'm very cool.

I'm not kidding.
I'm a cool type.

I know.

- I don't know why I'm laughing.
- Who says

this is not cool.

No, what am I trying to say
I'm really cool.

Do you know the name
I wanted to give a tour

before we remember
from Comedians of Comedy?

The Martin Luther Kings of Comedy.

Or else
The Rodney Kings of Comedy.

The Kings of Comedy
Evelyn Champagne.

Did you do that when you were a kid?

- What?
- Voices.

It did. When I was a little girl,
imitated advertisements.

Mine says that when I was
five years ago, he did:

"Mommy. Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Pearl Drops toothpaste.
What a feeling!"

It's her...
She ignored me

Whenever I see
NWA Airlines...

I just flew with them.

Yes?

It's so strange.
Whenever they say,

during a flight:
"Thank you for flying with NWA."

- Exactly.
- I imagine Eazy-E

storming out of the cockpit.

Exiting the cockpit.

Let's call the airline,
to customer support

and ask if it is a nervous tic.

What? Exiting the cockpit.

I didn't hear that.
I didn't hear that. Very good.

None of you
both of them, not Brian,

has a number
character-based.

- No.
- In other words, they are not

the new Father Guido Sarducci,
or anything like that.

- No, no.
- No, no.

But when they go on stage

are not, in part,
creating a character?

Even though this character
Is your name Maria or Patton?

No, I think we tried...

It's not that we think about it much,
but what are we

off stage a minute early
to go up on stage

is what we are
when we went up.

There's not much preparation,
an idea like...

"I have to wear the clothes for the show
or go into show mode."

How we talk off stage
It's how we talk on stage.

It's like a conversation.

- I'm much stranger off stage.
- Yes.

- Yes.
- It's another confession

- than a number?
- It's very confessional,

but there are always plenty
jokes with poop and the sound of traques,

who are always funny.

- Very good.
- Jokes for everyone.

Do you know what would make an excellent
character? A businessman...

Another?

That says, "Am I? You can wait
one second?"

And send a trick.

We just ate and...

"Did you get my fax?"

Team work.

Does anyone want this?

"I'll get Johnson to take care of it.
Can you wait a second?

I went back."

And then it's transparent:
"What's that smell?"

Thirty-four years and I make a living
inventing men who do tricks.

And I'm serious.

"I will try.
Maybe it won't work, but I'll try."

Besides your friends
who you go on tour with,

what comedians
do you follow?

Which ones call you?
attention?

There are so many.

I will say several names,

and I hope you know them
or that you will research them.

Louis C.K., Andy Kindler,
Melissa Paul,

Jen Kirkman,

Howard Kremer,
Eddie Pepitone...

Jackie Kashian...

Balls. I have one
Bad memory.

There are many young people.
Like Morgan Murphy.

- She's excellent.
- And Dan Mintz.

Haven't you heard yet
of these people,

because not yet
had exposure,

but they are doing things
innovative, bold.

But they are not known,

because whoever comes to TV
are people who

analyze what they do,
play it safe

or do you have a sitcom in mind?
or a career in film.

Quinn, it's Zack. Do you remember
of saying that I could...

be with another woman?
Could it be a man?

Wow Hall doesn't usually
receive comedy

but that's the idea
Comedians of Comedy Tour

who will be there today.
Thank you for coming.

- Thank you very much...
- Thank you.

- Cool.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'll look like I'm walking
to chase them.

Seriously. I'm going to be the fat one that everyone
they hate it because I go to both shows,

I'm weird and I have no life.

That's what people will think,
not what I am.

This is called...
dedication.

Or not? Was it luck?
Do you want to look cool?

Yes. I was in town and discovered
that they were coming here today,

and I think:
"Wow! That's cool. I have to go."

Because maybe you'll leave halfway through.

Perhaps. It doesn't matter.
I've already seen the show. It was cool.

I've seen better.

�... It doesn't matter.

How do you feel?
Do you feel watched?

- Yes.
- Do you think we are exaggerating?

No, I think it's important
catch this.

- We're going to miss you.
- Do you understand?

- Great.
- Excellent interview.

- It's fantastic.
- Let's do it like on MTV.

- Can I...
- Guys, MTV with her.

We didn't do the drama scene
reality show.

Like, someone getting mad.
Type:

"OK, guys. Seriously.

I didn't mean anything
why...

They were here, but...

a lot of things happen here
that you don't see.

It's filmed."

Oh my God!

- Is this for all ages?
- Yes!

Cum! Seriously?

I feel bad about injecting heroin
under the dick.

Sorry.

Wow.

By the way, you anarchists living
It's up to the parents, vote!

Don't give me the talk
"Stalin or Hitler, it doesn't matter."

This time it matters, OK?
Maybe not before.

But this time...
If the day before

Democrats invent
a jar of broccoli traches,

vote for them.

I would vote for anal rape
undeserved

against George Bush.

If the concept of four years
of undeserved anal rape

if you apply
against George Bush,

where every day,
for four years,

undeserving,
without preparation or lubricant,

I was brutally raped
once a day for four years,

or else I would stay with George Bush,

I would say:
"Abuse me at will.

Every day.
Screw my ass, man."

It's that bad.
They heard what I said.

If they told me:

"You can vote for George Bush,

or you might see a dog
dying of cold

on Christmas day,
At 5:10 a.m...."

Every day.
A lost dog...

Slowly freezing to death.

While a family sings songs
Christmas in a warm house

what he wants to get into...

Every day
I would vote for that.

I would vote for,
in the next four years,

all Italian food
It was like the one at Olive Garden.

Four years.
I know.

Brutal.

We have a special guest
very fast.

He came from very far
to do this show.

Your applause for,
coming from 1778,

comedian Nathaniel Buckner.
Ladies and gentlemen, Nathaniel Buckner.

Let's call him.
Here he comes.

Thank you thank you.
All good? Thanks.

Thanks.
It's good to be here. Thanks.

I've just returned from New Amsterdam,
New York, anyway...

Don't go there.
It takes ten months.

Have you ever been to those
carriage taxis?

See?
Those guys smell so bad.

That I asked:
"Is it you or the horse?"

Thanks.
It's good to be here.

Thanks.

Is this on?
What is this?

It's just me who's fed up
from Ben Franklin?

Electricity... What is it
Is he talking?

Is Zack playing again?

He's there.

Playing.

I think I'm going crazy.
Seriously.

I think... I can't...
I think I'm crazy.

I think that...

Maybe you have a mental illness
and I have to understand it.

The reality is becoming...
a joke.

Same.
I don't even know how to describe it.

Anyway...

Finally.

DAY 4

What the hell?

I'm trying to write a script
from an idea

that I've had for a year.

The film is called Fat Jesus.

Has to be.

I already have the first line.

He's fixing himself
to go to work.

There's a scar

at...

Where are the stigmata?
He has a scar... on his hand.

In a room, you can only hear
he say:

"I told you. I have a scar, I slept
in the bottom bunk of the fat camp."

So he walks out the door

and it's a great moment,
like Saturday Night Fever.

You are more in line with

black humor? � type
Blair Witch Project?

- Well, walk there.
- Start going in that direction.

You'll get there.

- Better?
- I hope so.

- He thinks?
- We need an ending.

He thinks? I was scared to death
in the Blair Witch Project.

SHASTA LAKE...HOURS LATER.

No, I brought you to my hut,
because I think you're special.

When I saw you hitchhiking
realized that

you would be a special friend here.

In the winter. No, no.
Wait. You're not leaving.

No...
I have soup.

We can write.

Where are you going?
No, no, no.

No, no, no.

The roads are blocked.
It's better... You're not coming back.

What's in the city?
An intellectual type?

Who reads and says beautiful things?
Is that it?

I bet you don't know
fuck.

I know.
I talk to squirrels!

Now lie down on the bed.

You go...
You'll be my winter wife.

And then I'll make you
a abat-jour.

Ready. is the first act of the new
comedy I'm writing.

It's called Killer of the Woods.

Turn off the camera, please.

I was shocked at myself.

In current comedy
It's all very

physical and...

I don't want to love myself
in sentimentalist

I don't even want to be too serious,
or pretentious.

But...

I give more importance to the word.

The spoken text of comedy.

For me,
the physical comedy...

For example, we watch a movie
by David Spade or

by Adam Sandler
and they are all idiots...

The physical comedy...

What I was saying
about physical comedy

� than anyone
can fall.

My dream is to do
author cinema.

Be independent.

I really want to be...

I would like to be in the film
more independent than ever.

- Beautiful tomatoes.
- You again.

He takes it in stride.

"Take it easy." I adore.

Take it easy!

What a desperate freak.

All for a laugh.

Why don't you laugh
with your material?

That's what I say.

What about?
You don't see us

resorting to that shit.

Do you understand?

Perfectly.

We are...
Mental comedy,

That's what we do.
Mental comedy.

I have a sense of humor
very dry, not for everyone.

- Very dry.
- I'm going to get messed up.

You know what else?

If there are t-shirts with "talk to the paw",
I will buy one.

- You have to buy one.
- I have to buy one.

This one says "Tell the Duck".
The other says

"Bear your soul"
and "Do bear-calci",

with a bear
doing aerobics.

Calcium bear?

Is that what is written there?

I know, it doesn't even work.

"Don't worry."

- Good.
- How come they didn't remember that?

"I've been there, I've done bear."

There should be a bear in one
Wheelchair...

I already know what you're going to say.

I don't know. What is.

"I've been bear-nazed."

"Bear-nalyzed" in a voice
computer.

In a speech bubble.

Yes, that would be a good t-shirt.

Why don't we show them how to play
basketball with Jordan Bear?

Or a guy who's listening to metal
and doing it like this... bear guitar.

What about?

A little bear guitar?

Or came on a private jet
called Bear Force One.

Bear Force One.

De-bears?

No?

What year did they start?
doing shows together?

1992.

Did you meet at a club?

We know each other
on a night of comedy.

It wasn't in a club.

It was there.

- The Dog's Balls.
- Exactly. It was there.

Dog's Balls.

It was called Holy City Zoo.

For several years
We spent the nights there.

Literally.
We paid $2 to go on stage.

- Or we see terrible numbers.
- We didn't always have to do that.

I already did that
four years ago,

before starting to write
jokes that I liked.

- Yes.
- Literally, four years.

For me it was more or less that.

Good...

I have the first part of a joke
which I tried once at M-Bar.

But it seems like an idea
more comprehensive.

And me...

I haven't finished it yet.

I want to compare...
Making fun of Bush,

for a Republican, it's like

make fun of your friend's girlfriend.

Although he is unhappy,
can't agree with you

because she is his girlfriend.

THE INDEPENDENT
SAN FRANCISCO, CA

He might even agree with you,
but he can't.

Therefore, it is always
on the defensive.

"You don't know her like I do.

He once gave me a blowjob
in the car, I swear.

And... it leaves the poor poorer

and the rich richer."

That's the first joke,
but it's not enough, it's...

It's not super strong,
But I think it has potential.

They're right.

I have to improve this one.

Yesterday I tried something on stage.
I want to develop...

I think it is as
we evolved as comedians,

we should have to say things
that rock

public admiration
for us and for the growing up,

and of which
we have to recover.

We should get points for that.

I realized that... When we evolved
as a comedian,

when we become very good,
we should be forced to have

phrases that would kill the number.

And of which we would have
to recover.

If we are really good.
Final lever type...

As in Dungeons and Dragons.
If you want to reach level 20...

Look at what he says
"Him, not me."

Creed.

You look like a gay
of the 50s in Alabama.

"Oh, no... No, darling, no...

I'm an art teacher,
but I'm very closed."

I'm transforming
at Paul Lynn.

"I don't crave the... thing, OK?"

This is what comedians
evolved should do.

We should be on stage doing

"Damn, it's impossible to stop AIDS."

The other day I was
at a restaurant...

Always saying things like this...

"Damn, the cancer is lingering
with my mother.

I was at... "

The worst possible transitions.

Oh my God.

"Damn, Hitler was right.

You know, I was..."

"Have you seen the movie The Princess Diaries 2?
Terrible, wasn't it?"

And then recover with a joke
about this film.

We all took photos.
In flannel clothes.

- Then.
- Yes yes.

I had a baseball cap turned upside down
back and a flannel shirt.

They sent me a video
Mine at Holy City Zoo

in 1992.

Theresa Holcomb.
A big applause.

Applause for her. Ladies
and gentlemen, Theresa Holcomb.

Theresa!

What the hell? And for Bill Clinton,
Are you doing a great job?

Our president...

Bill Clinton, undressing himself.
The president works hard for you.

Anson Williams, the Potsie of
Happy Days, what an actor.

He had a long career
and now he is a director.

Have you done some things that
went directly to video.

Anson Williams.

Eli Whitney, man from
cotton gin,

industrialized the south.

I received a DVD that my uncle made
my third time on stage.

1987. And...

- Wow.
- Will you show me?

I can't even see.

I turn it on...

I'll just give you the DVD
and never again

- I want to see it.
- I don't want to see it either.

You look at me and think:
"This guy must have taken a lot of drugs."

But it's a lie.

My father put it,
so I don't need it.

I grew up in the 60s,
realize,

the Summer of Love, and I have
flashbacks of things I never did.

While you were back there, me and Patton
we talk about how we started,

That's why you have...

- Two minutes.
- What did they start?

Doing comedy.

Behind a house
of burgers, Times Square.

I'm not leaving until this is fixed.

Dantes played the violin in my act.
And she had shaved hair.

And it did... How crazy...
I made a joke,

then a character
and then he played the violin.

I'm glad you came, and now
let's do it

a musical interpretation

the history of my relationships

past.

But they were good years,
all our friends

they were immersed in comedy.

That's all we did.

Perform every night,
go out every night.

To be fired,
write all day.

To be good, you have to be
obsessed for a few years.

In everything, I think.
Music, writing, acting.

You need a few years
of obsession,

and we were so lucky.

We were immersed.
We just did that.

I don't have clean clothes.

Gentlemen. I'm going to put on a show
at Independet tonight.

You can go there and do it
a little performance?

- Where is it?
- Leave your number.

- OK.
- Tell me and I'll write it down.

OK. 3-1-0-6-6-3...

This is Zack. Hello, man.
What's your name again?

Hello, Rosco. So?

Ah, Bosco, with a B.
Sorry, Bosco.

The best I can...

Well, the best...

I can only pay you
50 dollars each.

As well as...
It's a documentary,

I don't know if it will really be...
I don't know the logistics.

He thinks the documentary
it's going to be a success.

And he...

If it is a success, the documentary,
he wants...

He must want the remainder.

The war is over, right?

Yes! I'm anxious
let it end.

Even more, I'm looking forward
for 50 years from now.

Because they can be ours
friends in 50 years.

Some of our former enemies
They are now our allies.

I'm looking forward to finding
their cute old men

and to like Iraqi anime.

Iraqi restaurants to open
in fashionable neighborhoods.

Your friend Scott only sleeps
with Iraqi girls.

It'll be great.

The other day I was at dinner.

With my girlfriend and...

After dinner
We played charades.

With another couple, who...

The couple we played charades with...

They were deaf.

They were spectacular.

None of this sounds like...

"He won't email you."

I heard this the other day
and I thought it was funny.

"He won't email you."

Taxi!

Goodbye, his emails
Goodbye, his emails

You will never receive any emails from him again

You will never receive any emails from him again
Goodbye, his emails

You will never receive any emails from him again

You will never receive any emails from him again

Goodbye, his emails

You will never receive any emails from him again

Can we go to the other side of the Haight?
The other side of Divisadero?

Because there is a pub
on the right side.

- Perfect.
- Thanks.

Bosco thought you were hilarious.

- Who is Bosco?
- It was the...

He was one of the singers.

He was watching you and quoting you
It was so cute.

6TH

What did you do yesterday
after the show?

We made a video here.

- Did you hear about it?
- No. Did you hear?

I'm a little embarrassed.

- Who came in?
- Me and Brian.

THE NIGHT BEFORE

- I am?
- This is Zack.

- Who?
- Zack.

Galifiniakis. From the tour?

Ah yes yes. Hello.

I barely hear you.

Oh, because this isn't a phone.

Patton is next door.

I don't believe...

Looks like we're really going to do this.

It's so disgusting.

Homoeretic?
It's not homoerotic.

It's disturbing.

Brian, this is completely...
People will say:

"They really are gay."

- Do you like Morrissey?
- I like.

- It's really cool.
- Me too.

Wait. We have to repeat.

We can only be
mentally ill, right?

We didn't hit well.

This is... This is...

If they were here
30 psychiatrists would say...

"Obviously you just want
eat yourself in the mouth."

I don't want to.

- But they would say that.
- I really don't want to.

I don't know, these things
they make me laugh.

And then it's like...
In the other he said he was telling them.

We all have mental problems.
Brian, me, Cash,

Neil was here, Brandon.
There's something... wrong.

But it's very funny.

I'm going to drop my pants
and then you... He lies down.

Do you want me to crawl
on your face?

Just take off your pants.

Good.

That's how...
That's how you get horny.

You don't do this?

- No.
- Something very bad happened.

Do you think he will leave
Who appears in the film?

He says he never wants to
make films or TV.

Because of something you did
or what did you say?

Something that happened, never again
wants to see cameras.

Never.

You ate it, didn't you?

And he hates mayonnaise.

It was a pleasure to work
with you.

They were all professionals.

I don't know if the performances were.

I'm ashamed to have participated.

But I don't have
Lots of alternatives, right?

Let alone Zack,
better for the film.

Maybe a secret DVD somewhere.

Yesterday you embarrassed me.
You laughed so much.

Everything is already taken care of.

Goodbye, Zack. Thanks.

I'm a comedian,
That's my job.

Apparently. I don't know.
I don't always make money.

But if you gave me
life advice,

Which one would it be, Harry?

This is difficult.

You have all the time you want.

I always ask for advice
to people, but...

I don't know how to give advice.

That...

I don't know how to give advice to people.

- It's difficult. Anything. Type...
- My advice is...

Stay in the movie as long as you can!

- It's good advice.
- Isn't it?

Often, as I do
characters,

and I only do about four...

But people
introduce me as...

"This woman is crazy!"
It's schizophrenic."

It's a lie.
I'm...

depressed.

It is a clinical condition.

It's good to have...

the right diagnosis
before going on stage.

Have you ever had a comedian boyfriend?
and you couldn't talk seriously to him?

Oh, no. It's very easy to talk seriously
with comedians.

They are desperate
for being serious.

Maria, I see
a pill on the floor.

It's my Prozac.

I was going to talk about that.
I have a ball full of them.

I have a therapist.
I prefer to call her a whore.

Why not
I take it seriously.

She told me it's important...
I'm very anxious, right?

And she told me
which is important...

I should sing my anxieties.

Why that
"take away their power"?

Take away the power.

So I invented a new song.

Based on the theme of
Bodyguard.

With Whitney Houston.

OK.

If I have the cuvettes
clean ice

God can't kill me

And if you clench your fists
at a regular pace

the darkness inside me
they will not control my hands

they won't even force me to do things
I don't want to do

Improper sexual things
or violent

It's new.
I'm still working on it.

Take the glasses.

Malta?

White power.

- Supported.
- Sorry, did it feel bad?

Wait there. Let me repeat.
Let me do a second take.

Guys, this tour
it was super fun.

Superficial, and I've been
super relaxed and happy.

I don't think I'll appear in the film,
you stopped me from being a star.

I curse you all,
I condemn them all.

Never speak to me again.

- I want to make a toast.
- Oh, no.

Off the road!

Off the road!

- Maria?
- A toast.

- I have a toast that everyone...
- Wait, wait.

This is non-alcoholic beer.
You don't give us bad luck.

OK, you know what else?

I can also make a toast
with non-alcoholic beer.

- Especially if it's a giant mug.
- It's okay, Tink.

A toast to all,
which were wonderful

and for me this was
a dream come true.

Seriously, but I can't
say this in a serious tone

otherwise they will think that I am
cowards.

Alive. Don't think
that we are cowards, OK?

They should make gay pride mandatory
getting out onto the road, heading south.

Not that...
I can't imagine them getting beaten up.

This is for the few pacifiers
that they could convert.

Leaving Tuscaloosa.

Only there lives a big guy in overalls:
"Take me, gay pride parade.

I want to shave my chest and

make malicious comments
in Six Feet Under Earth.

Take it with you,
gay pride parade."

"Sorry, man. You're going to have to stay here
and discover your path."

"I'm going to miss you,
gay pride parade."

I'm going to miss you, sissy
of New York with a knitted vest.

I am going to miss you,
coffee artist

poorly dressed and
sailor hat.

And above all
I am going to miss you,

fast paced puerto rican
who only wears a sock.

I am going to miss you,
gay pride parade."

See you next time.
Adios, amigos.

Adios, amigos.
See you next time.

Subtitle:
Netflix