Original subtitles

(Music)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey

Nora Dunn

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Jon Lovitz

Dennis Miller

And Kevin Nealon

And featuring A.Whitney Brown

G.E.Smith and the Saturday Night live Band.

Musical guest 10, 000 Maniacs.

And starring Judge Reinhold.

Ladies and gentlemen, Judge Reinhold!

(Music playing)

(Cheers and applause)

I thought it was good to be nervous.

This is like, my show.

This is my band.

Well, this is really very exciting and I’m not really

the kind of guy who likes a lot of excitement around.

I don’t really live in the fast lane.

I’m more of a service lane kind of guy.

(Laughter)

So I did, I felt a little nervous about

what I was gonna do tonight,

until they told me I could do anything I wanted to do.

And then I felt a certain sense of calm, because I have

an active fantasy life

(Soft laughter)

and it’s something that I’ve wanted to do

for a long, long time is this.

(Music)

(Laughter)

Imagine if you will a chorale,

the horses are bedded down for the night.

All the chores are done, the crickets are singing.

(Crickets)

Somewhere, a lonely coyote is howling its lonely coyote song.

(Coyote howling)

Ain’t that great?

(Laughter)

The campfire is fading and the stars

are just beginning to peak out.

(Coyote howling)

(Crickets)

(Music playing) (Whistling)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music playing) (Whistling)

(Imitating whip sound)

Thank you!

(Loud cheers and applause)

We’ll be back with 10,000 Maniacs

and the rest of the cast.

(Man speaking) Not all trapdoors are created equally.

Jerry, I was just looking over your financial report

and there’s some very strange entries.

I thought they might be---

Some trapdoors don’t respond fast enough.

For instance, what is this Bahamas thing?

(Loud noise)

Yeah! How about this weekend?

Others don’t spring open cleanly.

Jerry!

I know about you and my wife.

Hey, what the heck’s going on?

Whoa!

What are you---

I was...

Hey! Hey!

Ah!

(Man screaming while falling)

Some aren’t even structurally sound to begin with.

Mr.Carruthers I have this...

(Loud noise)

(Laughters)

And some are totally unpredictable.

I can give you an excellent price on these items.

Whoa!

(Metalic objects sound)

(Metalic sound)

But with Wilson Trapdoors,

you get perfect droppage time after time

thanks to a patented dual firing mechanism.

Fantastic! And it’s guaranteed?

Absolutely guaranteed!

Mr.Crodders, I’d like to as k you to come downtown

and answer a few questions.

(Loud noise) (Man falling screaming)

Wilson Trapdoors!

Because with Wilson, it’s outta sight!

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) And now it’s time for Church Chat.

(Cheers and applause)

Settle!

Settle, let’s settle down.

Alright hello, I’m the church lady and this is Church Chat.

Well, there’s been so much going

we have so much to talk about tonight.

Let’s just get right to it. Alrighty!

My first guest is the Reverend Pat Robertson,

a former Christian Broadcaster whose memories

gotten just a little bit fuzzy

about his role as a televangelist.

Just who is Patrick, Presidential candidate

or Satan worshipper?

You be the judge!

Welcome, Patrick!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, church lady, for letting me come on your show

and settle it once and for all.

I’m a Presidential candidate, and not a televangelist.

(Laughter)

Well, have you ever heard of a little called the 700 Club?

Oh well, uh...

I guess that doesn’t count, huh?

Uh, that show was basically

a Judeo-Christian News show.

And I - I was more a telejournalist

than I ever was a televangelist.

So, we just put the Electoral College

right ahead of the Bible College, don’t we?

Just push Jesus aside and go right for the Satan vote.

Well, the issue is really not my religion, its - its leadership.

You see, we learn the whereabouts of those

TWA hostages and all about those Soviet missiles---

Yeah!

---in Cuba, but no one chooses to believe me.

(Laughter)

And what else do we think we know ,Pat?

(Laughter)

Well, there is just so much that we aren’t told about Afghanistan

and the UFOs and or the fact - the fact that

Hitler’s brain is being kept alive in Paraguay.

(Laughter)

Well, isn’t that special!

(Loud cheers and applause)

Patrick, I think we need some quiet time,

why don’t we just scooch on down and think about

what we said and if we made any sense at all.

(Laughter)

Alright, I will! (Laughs)

We’re just a little too happy, aren’t we?

Now, well!

Well we like ourselves, don’t we Patrick?

Okay!

Let’s just calm down.

Okay, now it’s time for my next guest,

who is also coincidently a former televangelist

who’s had a very exciting week.

(Cheers and laughter)

And I’m sure you’ll have lots and lots of

good things to share with us.

Please welcome, the Reverend Jimmy Swaggart!

(Loud cheers and applause)

There, there!

There, there!

There, there!

It’s alright!

There, there!

There, there!

(Cheers and applause)

I am a sinner!

(Laughter)

I have sinned against you!

Well, what a newsflash!

(Loud laughter and applause)

Now you just relax Jimmy, no one’s gonna judge you!

Let’s just - Jimmy, Jimmy look at me!

Look at me!

Jimmy! Look at me!

Young man, look at me!

Now we - we’ve naughty, haven’t we?

Let’s just start right from the beginning, what happened?

You’re getting a little, little,

little gooey stuff on my desk there.

Church Lady, I’m not going to wet wash it.

I let my church down and I let my family down.

And then we let something else down, like our trousers?

(Loud cheers and applause)

No!

We never had intercourse.

The only thing took place were pornographic acts.

So we didn’t fornicate, how convenient!

(Laughter and applause)

I’m sorry, maybe I’m just old fashioned,

maybe I don’t watch MTV, but

what exactly are pornographic acts?

They are grievous chasms of torturous hellfire sin!

(Laughter)

I see and exactly whose chasm were we sinning in?

(Laughter and applause)

(Woman cheering up loud) Yeah!

Debbie’s!

Debbie, well I see we remember her name.

And who could’ve led us into that chasm, Jimmy?

Who was behind the wheel of our Lincoln Town car,

when we drove into the Crazy 8 Motel?

(Laughter)

Who could it be?

Who could it be?

I just can’t imagine who?

Could it be---

Satan!

(Laughter and applause)

Church Lady, it was not Satan it was George Bush!

(Laughter)

He’s behind the whole thing!

Zip it, Pat, clamp it down, give Mr.Mouth a rest!

Here we’re closing, there we’re happy!

(Laughter and applause)

Now, now Jimmy!

Yeah! Dab away!

Don’t - don’t let me stop you, just dab, dab, dab!

Now during - during the PTL scandal, what was it, I forgot.

What was it that you called Jim Baker?

I said Jim Baker was a cancer on the body of the church.

Well, what’s that, may cast a Pius Pustule?

(Laughter)

Church Lady, I know I’ve fallen from my lofty perch.

And I’m asking your forgiveness!

(Laughter)

Yeah!

And now what do we want to be forgiven for I just can’t---

Oh, I remember!

We want to be forgiven for - for checking into a motel

with a prostitute?

Who danced naked on the dresser, while we sat in bed

with little Jimmy out of his pulpit.

(Loud cheers and applause)

And now we say, we’re sorry!

How convenient!

Church Lady, I think you’re being a little tough on Jimmy.

Now, he is a victim, a political victim of the Vice President.

I’m not a victim!

I’m a sinner!

(Crying silly) I’m a sinner!

I’m a sinner! What I mean is that--- (Laughs)

I’m a sinner!

---you are in need of forgiveness.

Boys, boys, boys, boys!

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

I hate to break up the silly love fest, we have a show to do.

Forgive me for interrupting.

Oh, I’m sorry! That’s not your strong suit - forgiveness.

Well, now Jimmy I understand you’re gonna go

through a little rehabilitation.

Now I would like to start you right now a little,

a little Church Chat rehabilitation of my own,

alright?

So give me your hand.

Give me your hand, there you go.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Now, Jimmy, let’s imagine a nice pair

of hot tingling bulbous buttocks, okay?

They’re practically on fire. Can you see them?

Yes!

They’re thrusting and releasing, thrusting and releasing.

Yes! Thrusting and releasing!

Yes, so are we thinking about it?

Yes. Stop!

(Laughter)

It’s too bad I wasn’t at the Crazy 8 Motel to do that.

Thank you Church Lady, I deserve that.

Too bad! Well - well you know, maybe

I’ve been a little harsh on you, Jimmy.

You know, when I’m down and when things aren’t going too well

in my life, I like to sing just a little song to cheer me out.

Pat, do you wanna join in?

Pearl, can we have a music, please?

(Organ playing)

* If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! *

(Clapping hands)

* If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! *

* If you’re happy and you know it, *

* then your life will surely show it! *

* If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! *

Come on Jimmy, you’re not joining in!

(Laughter)

* If you’re happy and you know it, say Amen! *

Amen!

* If you’re happy and you know it, say Amen! *

Amen!

Take it Jimmy.

* You’re happy and you know it and you know it. *

No it had to happen.

We’re cool!

I think we all feel better, hit it Pearl!

(Music)

(Loud cheers and applause)

This has been Church Chat, with the Church Lady.

(Don Pardo speaking) And now Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Well thank you, good evening and what can I tell you.

Last week we reported that Congressman Richard Gephardt

has posted a $5000 reward for the return of his eyebrows,

which he says he lost on a campaign trail.

According to FBI officials in a related crime,

Thomas Gustafson last saw his eyebrows in Calgary, Canada.

Brooke Shields is being held for questioning

for the Serial-Eyebrow snatching.

Televangelist Presidential candidate Pat Robertson

whose recent revelations about nuclear missiles in Cuba and

the whereabouts of the American hostages are being refuted

as bogus and contrived, revealed the source of all his

inside information today, a giant pig named Earnest.

(Laughter and applause)

Democratic candidate Paul Simon, who announced this week he would

be skipping the super Tuesday primaries March 8,

had no comment when asked if he was ready to end his campaign

altogether.

Simon’s bowtie however told reporters if he quits,

I’ll finish the race myself.

(Laughter)

With General Manuel Noriega and Eric Delvalle each insisting

he’s the President of Panama, the job is wide open.

Today, U.S.party dropouts, Al Haig and Bruce Babbitt

both wanting to be the President of something, rushed to Panama

out to campaign.

However, they were beaten to it by Walter Mondale who got there

last night and was elected unanimously.

By the way, the Panamanians affectionately refer to Mondale

as Fritos.

(Laughter)

Well, Super Tuesday is only 10 days away and our one-man mobile

news gathering unit, Al Franken is in Florida with the report,

so, let’s go live to Al in West Palm Beach.

Dennis, once again I have the 1.3 meter pair of bulk antenna

pointing to the satellite in geosynchronous orbit

23,000 miles above Easter Island.

I’m gonna pan down now you can see my steady cam harness,

a part which I have mounted my Sony KV2000 mini cam and

now over to my sand rail, which I’ve been using to get around

the coast of Florida this week.

All of these is making me, of course the first totally

self intend contained one-man mobile uplink unit.

Al, I see you wearing a neck brace,

is the back pain any better?

No, Dennis!

In fact, it’s a - gee I’m searching for a word,

a crippling.

Literally crippling and I guess the worst part is that the pain

no longer subsides, once I take the equipment off.

And I am having trouble sleeping.

So, the sleep deprivation, combined with the now

constant pain, Dennis is making the work unpleasant.

But it’s worth it?

Absolutely!

Well, let’s get right to your story.

Good, idea Dennis.

On March 8, Super Tuesday, an unprecedented 20 states

will hold Presidential Primaries.

Equally unprecedented, Dennis will be in historic feat

in the annals of electronic journalism,

by non other than yours truly.

Because on March 8, I will personally cover the Primaries

in all 14 southern and Border States as a demonstration

of the advances in satellite telecommunications.

What was that Al?

Lightning!

My odyssey will start at 7 AM Eastern Standard Time,

when the polls open in Rockville, Maryland.

Then it’s down to Virginia over to Kentucky, down to Tennessee,

doubling back to North Carolina down to a---

Al, was that more lightning?

Yes, Dennis, there’s an electrical storm tonight,

it’s really quite beautiful.

Then down to Geogia over to Alabama, back to---

Al, Al?

Yes Dennis!

I’m a little concern, you weren’t by any chance,

the highest point in the area, are you?

No, of course not, this tree is the highest point,

besides, I really can’t move

while I’m beaming my signal to you.

As you remember from Iowa, I lose a feed if I turn

as little as - as this.

(Pink noise)

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah!

Georgia.

Across to Alabama then hop scotching over to---

(Lightning electrical buzz) (Screams)

(Pink noise)

(Cheers and applause)

Well, it seems we lost Al’s feed.

Hopefully, he’ll be back again following Campaign 88.

In Calgary tonight, East German Katarina Witt won the gold medal

on figure skating prompting New York Yankee

on a George Steinbrenner to fire Manager, Billy Martin.

(Laughter)

And in a related story, disappointed with our poor

showing in Calgary, the U.S.Olympic has appointed

Steinbrenner to head a commission that will find ways

to improve our performance in future games.

Steinbrenner vowed to restore pride on our national team

and immediately announce the purchase of Katarina Witt

and the entire Soviet Hockey Squad.

(Laughter and applause)

After a disappointing 8th place finish in Calgary this week,

the United States Olympic Curling team packed up

their gear and returned home to their old jobs

as a janitorial staff at Madison Square Garden.

Swedish skier Thomas Wassberg was disqualified

by Olympic judges this week, because his pants were, quote

"Just too faggy for words".

(Laughter)

Matti - Matti Nykanen after winning a gold medal

on the ski jump event today flew home to Finland

and overtly breaking every world record in his sport.

(Laughter and applause)

A host of Septuagenarian luminaries turned out

to the benefit of the Waldorf Astoria Thursday night to honor

79-year old legend, Jimmy Stewart.

The of the event however ground to a halt when

the vegetable at dinner turned out to be corn on the cob.

One of the few guests to survive the debacle

was Martha Raye, denture wearer.

(Laughter and applause)

Somebody wanna slap this jerk, thank you.

(Loud cheers and applause)

And what was described as a national president,

UCLA has given official recognition to Lambda Delta

Lambda Sorority Form by lesbians.

The sorority sisters celebrated the occasion

by panty raiding their own house.

(Laughter)

U.S.Taxpayers are finding the task of preparing their income

tax returns a very difficult one indeed putting the blame not on

the revised system itself but on the new tax forms they say

that are frustrating and burdensome.

Iowa farmer, Dean Flannery won $300 million

in the new Lotto America this week.

When asked if he plan to do anything special with the money,

Flannery said, "No, I think I’ll just keep on farming

till it’s all gone".

(Laughter)

Oh, such a good job.

Sorry, and now I blew that one!

Okay.

Over the past seven years, numerous members

of the Reagan administration have complained

that they see only bad news on television.

Some have even suggested that the network should carry

segments of so called good news.

Well, we here at Weekend Update agree.

It’s time that we were treated to some good news for a change

so topping our good news segment this week,

there are only eight months remaining

in the Reagan administration.

Yeah!

(Loud cheers and applause)

And Bill Cosby broke from his longstanding practice

of not accepting awards this week when he showed up to accept

the John Houseman Anything for a Buck Celebrity Endorsement Award.

When asked why he made this exception,

Cosby explained "Because they paid me a lot of money".

And now, here to put himself out on a limb to prove he is

barking up the wrong tree is A.Whitney Brown

with The Big Picture.

Whitney!

(Cheers and applause)

You know, the Bible says the truth shall make you free!

But, it was Spiro Agnew who said that a good liar will keep you

out of jail in the first place.

(Laughter)

This is a great country my friends and we deserve a great

liar to lead us in the trying times ahead.

So, who do we got out there now?

Bush?

Okay, he’s experienced but he’s never gonna be a great liar.

He can barely bamboozle Dan Rather.

How is he gonna do up against some bloodthirsty, power mad

dictator like Margaret Thatcher.

(Laughter)

I thought I caught Bob Dole lying once when he said

he liked George Bush as person.

(Laughter)

But now when I think about it, I think maybe he was just

being sarcastic.

Pat Robertson, well, he is believable but only

if you don’t believe in evolution.

(Laughter)

Gephart, maybe.

I mean that man can stand their bald face

and I mean that literally.

(Laughter)

And there’s Jesse Jackson.

Now one time, someone accused Jesse Jackson about lying and

he said, "I not only deny the allegations

I deny the allegator".

(Laughter and applause)

And it is a great line but I think he stole it

from the King fish.

No matter!

The point is, there’s no use getting cynical about all this

because when the big picture becomes a dreary montage

of tire old lies, faith is no further away

than a scribbled drawings

of our children on the refrigerator door,

because to them, every lie is a thing of wonder.

A brand new opportunity to escape punishment

and pin the blame elsewhere.

I remember when my daughter told her first lie and so it’s

exciting to be there and see your child discover something

that you know they’re gonna use for the rest of their lives.

(Laughter)

I remember I was driving at home from the playground one day

and she said, "Daddy, we better stop and get some ice cream".

I said, "Now, you know, we can’t do that because your mother

doesn’t like you to eat before you get home".

She said, "I know but I have an idea.

Let’s not tell her".

Just like she was the first one in the world

to ever think of it.

I was so proud.

(Laughter)

I said, "Honey, we will stop and get that ice cream

and after that we’re gonna go see an old girl friend of mine".

(Laughter and applause)

So you know, we put all these lies into the big picture,

it’s amazing how well it all adds up.

We can expect no more from our leaders,

than we give to our children

and that my friends is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney!

Good one buddy!

Alright!

(Loud cheers and applause)

Whitney Brown!

(Applause)

Whitney Brown!

Israel today announced that it is giving up.

The zionist state will dissolved in two weeks time,

and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities

around the world.

Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir,

who needs the aggravation.

(Laughter)

The new 1988 version of the popular book,

How To Pick Up Girlscame out this week and

it’s a ridged version this year, as a matter of fact,

it’s a one page pamphlet with the simple instruction.

(Laughter and applause)

Jimmy Swaggart wept this week as he beg forgiveness for his sins.

I don’t know why we’re so quick to condemn this guy,

I guess what it comes down to is that he was masturbating, right?

Well, that he among you has a free hand

cast the first stone, huh?

And guess what folks,

that’s the news and I am out of here.

(News music theme) (Cheers and applause)

(Plane taking off noise)

Is it me, or is this plane really filthy?

That’s typical.

This used to be a great airliner before deregulation.

Then that big cocaine bust, about a year ago,

it really went downhill after that,

it uh - it hasn’t been the same.

Good blow! Sex!

Cheap tickets, though.

Yeah.

Top smoke?

Good blow!

Sir?

Go on, sit down!

I told you, sit down!

Go on!

Well, at least more people can afford to fly these days.

Yeah!

See that lady back there with the two kids,

with the laundry hanging over her seat?

Yeah?

I was talking to her, she lives here.

(Laughter)

She’s on welfare.

The government pays for her to live here

until some low-income housing opens up.

Oh, my God!

It’s a rat!

( Yelling) Stewardess!

Stewardess, look! There’s a rat!

There’s a rat eating that guy’s food!

Oh, my goodness! Oh, I am so sorry!

Shoo! Go on! Shoo!

Here we go!I’m sorry!

They sprayed the cargo hold yesterday,

and all the rats and the roaches came up here.

I am so sorry!

I’ll make an announcement, okay?

It’s unbelievable!

(Laughter)

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, just a quick announcement

before we begin our in-flight movie.

I would like to call your attention to the rat traps

that are being stuffed beneath the seats in front of you.

Instructions are there, also, and for each rat caught,

a free first class upgrade.

Our movie today is " Inside Annie Sprinkle",

and headphones are 99 cents always.

Also, if you’re alone, and plan on sleeping,

we suggest you leave your overhead light on

and you check your valuables in the safe, in the galley.

Thank you!

I’m gonna try making a call on the OTB phone,

down by the restroom.

Keep an eye on my bag, will you?

Yeah, sure!

Would you like a drink?

Uh, I’d like a glass of water, please.

Oh!I don’t think we have any.

Would you like to buy me a glass of champagne?

(Man laughing loud)

I love champagne.

Okay, I guess.

You want one, too?

Sure.

Attaboy!

So?

Good champagne.

Yeah.

Do you like me?

Sure.

Do you think I’m pretty?

Sure.

Do you want me to be your girlfriend?

I’ll do anything you want!

(Laughter)

No thanks.

(rat squeals)

Look!

I got one!

Oh! Oh, okay! I’ll get that. I’ll take that.

Thank you!

Here! Okay!

Oh, and that’s gonna be 20 bucks for the champagne.

What?

I’m not gonna pay 20 bucks for two glasses of champagne!

Look, its real champagne, dorkhead!

That’s how much it costs!

Well, look, I’ll give you 10, but I’m not gonna pay the rest!

(Yelling) Eddie!

(Laughter)

Okay! Okay! Okay!

Here’s 20 dollars!

But I’m gonna tell you, I’m never,

never flying this airline again!

Good!

(Laughter)

They took my wallet!

They took my wallet!

Good news!

The gospel brings good news of God’s grace!

It’s in John, Chapter 3, Verse 16---

"And he, whosoever believeth on him

shall have everlasting life."

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Bye, honey.

Have a nice shift. I’m running late.

Goodbye! Hey look!

Promise me, you aren’t - you’re not gonna work too late, huh?

I’ll try.

Promise me you’ll cut out the overtime.

Deal! Okay.

Oh, here’s the ticket for your laundry and cleaning ladies

are coming tomorrow and I’ll try to pick up some groceries

on the way home.

Now, look, I’ll go to the deli.

Hey, honey, our lives are becoming absolutely insane.

You want me to quit working?

No, no, no! Don’t be silly!

I - I know you loved your career when I married you.

(Laughter)

Thank you!

I won’t have a career if I don’t go to the corner, pronto.

You’re under so much pressure.

I’m a professional.

(Soft laughter)

Chrissie, are you happy?

Of course, I am.

I love you!

I love my job!

Well, I wish...

You just wish what?

Well, sometimes I just wish the people you work with would

accept me a little more.

Now, now Chris, don’t let a couple of self-righteous

hypocrites bother you, huh?

Well, I feel like - I know they look down on me

just because I’m a hooker.

So?

What are their wives, senators?

(Laughter)

No, they’re nurses and housewives and teachers.

Is that so much better?

No, but sometimes I worry---

Hey!

Are you good at what you do?

(Laughter)

Yes!

Well that’s all that matters.

(Laughter)

I wouldn’t care if you were a ditch digger as long as

you were the best ditch digger you could be so,

enough of this self-doubt stuff, huh?

(Doorbel rings)

Oh, that’s Charlie, he’s gonna give me a ride to the precinct.

Hey pal. Hey Jerry!

Hi, Chrissie, how is Trix?

(Laughs)

I’m just kidding.

Be with you in a second, I gotta get my hat.

Okay, take your time.

So, how is being at the precinct.

Not being too hard on the working girls, are you?

No! You know me, Chrissie,

I don’t go in for that blue nosed holier

than most stuff, that’s the one part of my job I hate the most.

Yeah! I know what you mean, Charlie.

Hey listen, I’m double parked,

tell Jerry I’ll wait for him the car, okay.

Okay.

Okay Charlie! Take it easy.

And Chrissie, don’t work too hard, huh!

(Laughs ironically)

(Laughter)

Where’d Charlie go?

Oh! He went to the car.

You better ask Pipi for the Policeman’s Ball, I mean,

we’re pretty much have to go, right?

Hey!

How do you look so good every day?

(Laughter)

It’s my job.

Are you okay?

Sure honey, I am.

I was just...

Well, I gotta confess, I was starting to think about

you know, that raising the family issue again.

Oh, Jerry!

I don’t even have time for the baby discussion

let alone for a baby.

Well, maybe we should slow down our lives then.

Oh, we?

Don’t you mean, me?

Now, look Chris, you know I consider both our jobs

to be completely equal.

Oh, yeah!

No!

I’m just starting to think that that’s just so much lip service.

I mean, this is a very crucial time for me.

I’m making more money than I ever have before.

I’m getting bigger and better clients and---

(Laughter)

you know, you don’t even bother to ask me who clients are.

Hey, we just had to have your boss over for dinner again

last Friday night.

You hardly even spoke.

Yeah. Well you know, frankly I don’t care much for that guy.

He acts like he owns you.

(Laughter)

Really, I’m sorry Chris.

But I’m really starting to feel like I’m playing second fiddle

to your work, and that hurts me.

Oh, Jerry!

Jerry, first of all, you’re not second fiddle to anything.

And second of all, my job isn’t as glamorous as it sound.

Yeah, I know.

God, Chris, we’ve gotta somehow get off of this workaholic

overachieving merry-go-round.

(Laughter)

I’ll tell you what.

This weekend, I’ll cancel all my appointments

and you can trade shifts and we’ll just go do some antiquing

in the country.

(Laughter)

God, that would be great honey.

And, we’ll talk about how I can combine my career with a baby.

And a lot of hookers do it.

(Laughter)

I love you!

(Piano playing)

Ditto, copper.

Hey!

Remember to be careful.

I always am.

Promise me, you’ll be careful too, huh!

I always am.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Man speaking) When Great Minds Meet

Tonight’s guests

Galileo

Aristotle

Joan of Arc

Jefferson Davis

and Genghis Khan.

Now, here is your host, Lowell Blain.

Good evening and welcome to When Great Minds Meet.

The show where we bring together the greatest men and women of

the ages in a lively forum of discussion and debate,

a dream meeting, if you will.

You’ve already met tonight’s guests

and it’s quite an exciting show, so let’s get right to it.

Now, economics, the engine that motors the wheels of society,

now you’ve all been involved in systems supported by a serfdom

or slave labor, what thoughts do you have on that subject?

I’m sorry, I didn’t get all the names.

You are---

Galileo. Galileo.

And you are Joan---

Of Arc, Joan of Arc.

Hi, Joan.

And you are Genghis?

And you are?

Davis, Jefferson Davis.

Oh!Hi, nice to meet you!

Oh, I’m Aristotle.

Hi Aristotle! Hi Aristotle!

I’m sorry, I’ve got---

you are Galileo.

Yes!

And you are Davis?

No, I am Davis, he’s Genghis.

Oh!

Oh, well the names kinda sound alike.

(Laughter)

A little cold, isn’t it?

Yeah! Yeah! It’s really.

Just cold.

Yes. Well, I’ll see what I can about it.

In the mean time, let’s talk about the arts in society.

Excuse me.

What’s your name again?

I’m Lowell Blain.

But, that’s---

Alright, forget me.

Alright!

About the arts, we’ve seen an overall decline in morality

over the centuries and has that decline reflected in our art?

Excuse!

Excuse me, I - I’m just curious,

what exactly did you do Jefferson?

Oh, well, I was one of the leaders of the Confederacy.

Actually, I was the president of the confederacy

During the civil war.

Civil war?

Oh, yes, the war between the north and the south factions

in United States.

United States?

Oh! Of America.

Well, it’s a new continent.

We set all over from Europe and eventually settled

and eventually became independent.

(Laughter)

1776, well, it’s a long story.

Yes.

Maybe we can - maybe many of you have had the shared experience

of battle, perhaps we can talk about that,

some comparisons in order.

The woman fought?

Well - well yes, I - I lead the army of King Charles II

against the English.

English?

(Laughter)

It’s an island in the northwestern part of Europe,

England.

England.

(Laughter)

Well anyway, it was actually the voice of the Lord

that told me to save the king.

The Lord?

Oh, boy.

That’s a whole kind of worms.

Why do you all have to save the king?

Well, he was king of France of at the time and---

France?

Well, Gaul, Gaul, ring a bell?

And---

well, really, I don’t have to go into it, it’s a---

The point is, she was involved in the war.

And Genghis, please don’t carve your initials on the table.

(Laughter)

Now perhaps the subject of war versus peace

might be of some interest, is war inevitable?

What’s that?

What is what?

What’s that object?

It’s a heating vent.

And what does it do?

It brings hot air into the room.

From outside?

Yes, from outside.

Does that mean it’s making the air colder outside?

No, it doesn’t make it cold---

Oh, you know, we went to a lot of trouble

to bring you all here together.

It would really nice if you could just--- I don’t understand how...

Hey, guys, you’re gonna have to leave now.

Well, we’re - we’re not done.

I’m sorry, we have to set the studio for Wall Street week.

Wall Street? Wall Street?

Oh, shut up!

Oh, you idiots. Alright, come on, get up, get up!

Out! Let’s go! Move!

(Laughter and applause)

Well, I guess, we’re out of time.

Join us next week when we will have five more great minds---

(Laughter)

all of whom that better be relatively acquainted

right quick.

Now come on, let’s go.

Genghis! Genghis!

(Cheers and applause)

(Sea waves sound)

(Wind) (Bel dings twice)

(Wooden ship squeaks)

Nice penguin!

New?

Yeah!

Hey, nice swan.

Thanks!

Yeah! I’ve had him for a while!

What’s his name?

Paulie!

Really?

Mine’s named is Paulie, too.

Hey, hey!

How do you like him?

Oh, pretty good!

You know, they can get heavy though.

You know, you can feel it on your back at night sometimes.

Yeah!

Black looks great.

Yeah! Yeah!

I tried the white swan but,

the glare really gets to you sometimes.

(Laughter)

I tell you, sometimes I miss the gold old parrot days.

Things seemed a lot simpler back then.

Yeah!

You know, it’s gotten so competitive.

Does he talk?

The swan? Oh, no!

No, he doesn’t talk.

I tried and tried to get him to, but just comes out like a honk!

I don’t know, one time I thought I heard him say "Paulie want",

but I think I was imagining things.

Wishful thinking maybe, huh?

Exactly.

I’m gonna be looking at some maybe pelicans next week

in Barbados.

Why? What’s wrong with your penguin?

Oh, nothing, but you know, they migrate.

You can’t stop him?

No!

No, they gotta go.

Yeah!

(Laughter)

You know, I wouldn’t get a pelican though.

Why is that?

Well, all that bag thing can really block

your peripheral vision, you know, it’s terrible.

What about an eagle?

No, that’s how I lost this.

Ouch! Yeah!

(Laughter)

What about a scarlet ibis?

I was thinking about getting one of those.

Have you priced the scarlet ibis lately?

Yeah! Forget, huh?

Well, unless you’ve found some buried treasure or something.

Oh, sh, shh---

Here he comes.

Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh.

Hi, guys!

Hi! Hi!

(Laughter)

Hi, Tom!

(Laughs)

Nice day, huh?

Yeah!

Really pretty! (Laughs)

Hey, nice parakeet!

(Laughter)

Thanks!

Oh, see you around, huh?

Yeah! See us around!

Well, see you!

Don’t count for taste, huh?

Tell me about it!

Oh, boy!

So, what do you think about a humming bird?

Well, I’ll tell you, weight wise,

it’s something to think about but then you know,

you’ve got that feeder hanging down through your hat

all the time and dripping sugar water so---

Yeah!

It’s a trade off, you know.

Probably attract a lot of flies, too.

Yeah!

What about if I get a fly catcher

to go with the humming bird?

I don’t know, it just seems so busy to me, you know.

And you’re probably right!

Yeah!

Hey, mates!

(Laughter)

Nice flamingo!

Yeah! It looks good on him but you know,

he could - kinda of really be thin for those.

How about a woodpecker?

It could be pretty risky with this peg leg of mine.

Ooh!

(Laughter)

(Seagulls)

Did you hear about Blackbeard’s mocking bird?

No, what?

He killed it.

Boy, you could’ve predicted that.

Yeah!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare!

I learned two things this week that the show really is live,

and, second, that everybody really is terrific.

There’s not a jerk in the bunch!

Thank you!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)