Original subtitles

(Music)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With: Dana Carvey

Nora Dunn

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Jon Lovitz

Dennis Miller

And, Kevin Nealon

Musical guest, Randy Travis.

And featuring G.E.Smith and the Saturday Night live Band.

And starring, Tom Hanks!

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I know!

I know! I know!

I know, this is - this is very exciting.

It’s really is exciting

being live in front of millions of people.

It’s very exciting!

It’s exciting for me because this a potentially

very powerful position.

I can do anything up here and nobody could stop me!

I can say anything up here, nobody can stop me.

How it goes?

It’s - it’s all my choice.

But you know, the writers and everybody around here

on the show, they’re just - just so political,

I - I kinda feel pressured that I had to make like a plea

for social justice or something with these few minutes,

like I had to somehow comment on the current

American Culture you know.

But I think that the very fact that I’m here in charge

of a major network, live in front of you all,

I think that pretty much says everything there is to know

about America right now.

(Laughter)

Now this it!

I mean, here it is!

Here I am!

Call it free enterprise!

Call it freedom of the press!

Call it a horrible mistake, whatever!

It doesn’t - this is America you know.

And we have something here that not every country has.

Well, we have television.

Well - okay we got a lot of other things, too.

We have what?

We have freedom of religion.

We have freedom of democracy.

We have like the right to vote.

Now, these things are all a lot more important

than a lot of people realize, okay.

Now I heard for example the other day that over 40%

of our electorate hasn’t even registered to vote.

Now is that much of a hassle to register to vote?

Well, I’m asking you, because I haven’t voted myself,

you know, quite some time.

(Laughter)

I’m just curious.

See, as - I’m not apathetic, mind you.

I have a lot of respect for vote - voting.

It just - it seems just a little - I don’t know highhanded to me

and I mean, who am I to be passing down this judgment

on men, grown men that I don’t even know.

I mean, I have anointed you to rule over us against them,

I mean, just - it’s just not my style.

You know, if there were a tie, all right

I’d come down and vote.

(Laughter)

Well, I got to be honest with you,

I’m just gonna flip a coin cause I - you have to especially now.

There are so many of these candidates

running for president.

I mean, can’t - let’s see, there’s that---

there’s a faith healer guy.

(Laughter)

There’s that - the Vice President guy.

Jermaine Jackson I think is running for president.

(Laughter)

Lesley Gore just entered the race

just for this big thing Tueday.

Now, is this even legal having all these people run

for president of the United States?

Is there a law against it, seems to me when I was a kid there was

never more than you know three, four people tops who were

running for president and I just root for whichever one look

the most like my dad.

I’d see - I’m not comfortable talking about politics anyway

because it always ends up in some kind of a fight.

Everyone has an opinion, you know.

You’re mad at me but look, there’s one thing one

I’m gonna tell you right now.

I am going to register to vote this year.

I’m probably not gonna actually vote but I am gonna register,

but you never know.

Now, who knows!

Come December, I may just go on to where those voting places.

(Laughter)

And I’ll go into one of those like a little booth like deals

that they have with my little ballot and I’m gonna do

what every American has the right to do.

Oh, one potato, two potato, three potato,

four - thanks we got a great show tonight.

Randy Travis is with us and we’ll be right back.

(Music and applause)

Oh yes!

Yes, indeed!

Forty-ninth and first.

Excellent corner for scoping out the babes.

You said a mouthful!

Whoa!

Stop the presses!

What have we here?

Hello!

(Soft laughter)

Goodbye.

Oh, yeah!

Not interested in me at all.

No reaction whatsoever.

You know it, brother.

Way too pretty for this hombre.

Yeah!

Oh, boy!

Here comes another live one!

Ho! Hey!

Mama mia!

Hello!

Goodbye!

Oh, yeah!

Out of my league!

Mine, too!

(Slap palms)

(Laughter)

Boy!

Wouldn’t give me the time all day!

Well, lookie here!

Oh, me likes what me sees!

Good evening!

And good night!

Not even eye contact.

The ladies just don’t like me.

To say the least!

My face is just too wide!

Yeah!

And my hairline can’t be helping, either.

(Laughter and applause)

I’d be hurt and disappointed, if it didn’t happen so often.

So true!

Whoa! Babe alert!

Oh, yes!

Oh, no!

(Laughter)

Like we didn’t even exist!

Completely indifferent!

Yes!

She wasn’t even that attractive!

But still out of my reach.

A sad comment on my life!

Yours and mine both.

The good Lord gave me this body, and there

ain’t no changing it now!

Amen!

Yeah!

This old head’s just way out of proportion for this body.

(Laughter and applause)

And these eyebrows come together in the most unappealing way.

(Laughter)

Truly sad!

Okay! Here we go.

Bottom of the ninth, two outs, full count.

Strike Three! Strike Three!

Oh, we are out!

Why did we even try?

We have little sense of fashion,

and we can’t even lure them with money.

No way!

We’ve got low-paying jobs with no hope for advancement.

(Laughter)

And worse yet, I make poor conversation.

I hear you!

Hey, excuse me, fellows, but this is my corner!

No problem, amigo.

We were just calling it quits.

No luck?

You know it!

I’d make fun of you guys, but I am just one sad sack myself.

Small consolation!

Oh, yeah!

(Soft laughter)

Let the games commence!

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) It’s "The Pat Stevens Show",

with your host, Pat Stevens.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Hello everybody, I’m Pat Stevens,

welcome to " The Pat Stevens Show"!

Now, Winter’s still here, and we’re weary,

but Voguetells us: " Think Spring."

That’s a good thing to think, isn’t it?

Let’s do it.

(Laughter)

Okay!

I’ll tell you what I was thinking,

softening the facial palette and toning the legs.

Now, I’ve already lightened my palette,

so let’s work on the legs, shall we?

It’s a toning exercise, using our Vogue,

so we’re going to extend the legs, flex the heels,

and we’re ready, to lift.

And lift, and lift, and lift---

feel the burn, and lift, and lift, and lift---

lowering down, it’s not so easy.

Raising it now---

and lift, and lift, and lift, and lift---

when it hurts, it helps.

Let it burn.

Hold it up isometric hold.

And exhale down, blow it out, shake it out!

Ooh!

I feel good!

Ladies, remember: no pain, no gain.

So, we are ready to meet our - our guests today.

Uh, very, very special ladies, they are the Republican

First-Lady hopefuls, running neck and neck.

Welcome, please, Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole.

(Cheers and applause)

Oh, it’s wonderful to see you!

Hello!

Well, oh!

Well, it’s so nice having you both, of course, Elizabeth,

you and I are old friends.

And, Barbara, well, I’d like to congratulate George

on his startling victory in - in New Hampshire,

he’s doing well in the south, he’s had a wonderful reign

as Vice-President.

Tell me, are you proud of your son?

(Laughter and applause)

Pat, George is not my son, he’s my husband.

Oh, Heavens!

I guess I dropped a fly in your soup!

(Laughter)

Well, she looks so much older.

I hardly think it’s my faux pas.

(Laughter)

I turn now to Elizabeth Dole, now you and your husband

have written a remarkable book.

Well, gosh, thank you, Pat.

Yes, we have.

It’s entitled " The Doles: Unlimited Partners".

Because, Pat, that’s what we are.

It’s about our lives, and how we’ve dealt

with being a dual-career-couple.

Now, I am a career woman.

I graduated from Duke University, studied at Oxford,

got a law degree from Harvard University.

I served in the Nixon and Reagan administrations.

I was Officer of Human Affairs.

I was Head of the Federal Trade Commission, and I was of course,

Public Liaison to President Reagan

before I became Transportation Secretary.

And now, I’m just helping my husband’s campaign.

Heavens!

Did they ever call you Wonder Woman?

Oh, aren’t you sweet?

That’s terrific!

Now--- (Clears throat)

(Laughter)

Barbara, I understand you’ve written a book

about the family cocker spaniel, and you’re working on a rug.

(Laughter)

Yes, I have been needle-pointing

a 14-foot rug for some time, on and off.

The book is just something I work on occasionally, for fun.

But I’m most interested in my work to combat illiteracy

and my involvement in support of the arts.

I’ve raised five children---

Well, that’s enough to turn anybody’s hair grey!

I’d like to get back to Elizabeth and your book.

Well, now, Pat, it’s not just my book, it’s Bob’s, too.

That’s really the point of the whole thing!

And I’d like to share some of my advice for dual career couples,

if I may?

Oh, my runway is yours!

Oh, thank you, Pat!

Okay! Here we go.

Number 1: Have as many special times as you can.

Number 2: Don’t allow work to crowd out

the really important things.

Number 3: Travel together as often as you can.

Number 4: Men, send flowers.

Bravo! (Claps hands)

It’s about time somebody said it!

Well, I’m glad it was me!

(Laughter)

Number 5: Women, leave little notes around the house.

You know, I do that.

And I live alone!

Now---

(Laughter)

I tell you, it works.

I leave little notes to myself all around the house,

"You look terrific."

"Have a nice day!"

"Check your thighs."

I’m telling you, it works like a charm!

You know, it is - it’s the little things that count

and I’m sure Barbara knows that.

Well, it’s important to stay together.

I’ve been traveling with George this year and I’ve enjoyed it,

it rather surprised me, it was like going on a vacation,

and I have to...

Well, I’m sorry I have to cut your vacation short,

we’re running out of time but please do come back.

And freshen up that facial palette, live a little!

But, Elizabeth, you are a gem, great having you.

I’m Pat Stevens!

Oh, I think I forgot to mention Point Number 6:

Talk on the phone.

Oh, well that’s self-explanatory, isn’t it?

Yes! It’s wonderful!

(Man speaking) You’ve been watching "The Pat Stevens Show"

with your host, Pat Stevens.

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now Weekend Update

with anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Good evening!

And what can I tell you?

Congressman Richard Gephardt has posted a $5000 reward

for the return of his eyebrows

which he says he lost on the campaign trail.

The reward is in cash and no questions will be asked.

Republicans George Bush and Jack Kemp were the only

two candidates in last night’s Dallas, Texas debate.

The other two remaining presidential contenders,

Pat Robertson and Bob Dole, decided to just slug it out

in the ring, saying the public was tired of hearing words,

and craved a little action.

The winner was expected to fight Dan Rather at Caesar’s Palace

in November.

(Laughter)

You know who this is?

Unbelievable!

This is George Bush, Jr.

You know, he’s really so much better looking than his father,

isn’t he?

I mean, like a million trillion times, really.

I bet you the old man hates him!

(Laughter)

Since Ricky Skaggs endorsed Pat Robertson,

political experts point to Robertson’s incredible showing

with the Skagg vote in Iowa.

(Laughter)

At this point, I’d like to make a correction.

Last week I referred to Gary Hart as a presidential hopeful.

He is an ex-Senator.

(Laughter)

After throwing his support behind Bob Dole’s candidacy

last week, Al Haig has been showing up at Dole rallies

stinking drunk, demanding a little pocket money.

(Laughter and applause)

Du Pont, Babbit, who cares.

(Laughter)

Well, the Olympics are stirring up a lot of excitement,

and our own Kevin Nealon just returned from Calgary,

and is here now with a firsthand report.

Kevin?

Thanks, Dennis!

(Cheers and applause)

You know, it was really exciting, the Olympics.

Now, I’m not an authority on the Winter Games,

but just to be part of that whole, you know,

environment was exhilarating.

You know, even during the - I want to say suppositories,

but that - the preliminaries!

Even during the preliminaries---

(Laughter)

that was exciting.

And Calgary, it was great!

It was just jammed with people, too.

I’m not a good judge on crowds, but I’d say there was 174 people

there and, really, you couldn’t move!

(Laughter)

You know what I really liked though, was the, uh - the, uh---

I want to say breast-fed, but that’s not it.

Uh, the bobsled event.

(Laughter)

I was watching that and those guys are crazy!

They shoot down that thing!

I’m not a good judge on speed, but they must be going

at least 925 miles per hour.

(Laughter)

You know, they’re wearing those, uh---

I want to say Cocoa Puffs.

(Laughter)

Uh, no, helmets.

They’re wearing helmets!

And that they’re going so fast, you know that even under those

helmets their hair must be whipping back like crazy,

you know!

What scares me the most though

is when the sled goes up on its side.

It’s kind of like watching one of those, what do you call it---

(Soft laughter)

I want to say lemon meringue,

catamaran, it’s like watching a catamaran.

And you know what’s even - even crazier than the bobsled?

I want to say luge, but I don’t even think that’s a word!

(Laughter)

Anyway - anyway, as far as the United States winning

some gold medals, all I can say is, it’s not over.

There’s still a chance.

It’s just like when Washington beat the Broncos

in the Super Bowl.

You know, nobody thought that - that uh---

I’m not good with names.

(Soft laughter)

I want to say Connie Chung, but that’s ridiculous, so---

she’s not even the - uh, just for the sake of finishing this,

let’s just leave it at Connie Chung.

Nobody thought Connie Chung would become

the first black quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

(Laughter)

And, you know, it’s the same thing with that Austrian, uh,

Buddy Ebsen, when he won the giant..salmon..four years ago,

at the Winter Games in Sergio Leone, you know.

So there’s still hope.

Back to you, Larry!

Thank you, Kevin!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Kevin Nealon!

In a surprise vote last night, the Senate approved

the third term for President Reagan.

However, they cancelled his first two terms,

declaring them absolutely worthless.

Judge Anthony Kennedy took his place on the Supreme Court bench

on Thursday after the administration of the oath,

the judges retired to a private party in their chambers

where Kennedy learned the secret handshake,

chugged a pint of slow gin and made the traditional run

around the Lincoln Memorial wearing nothing

but his robe and a brassiere.

(Laughter)

A rival ministry has accused Reverend Jimmy Swaggart

of adultery claiming to have pictures of Swaggart leaving

a hotel room with a known prostitute.

Naturally, a multi-millionaire dollar slander suit

has been filed by the prostitute.

(Laughter)

Even though Austrian President Kurt Waldheim has vowed

not to step down, his party is readying a replacement,

Sergeant Heinz Schultz.

(Laughter and applause)

When asked about Nazi atrocity, Schultz replied,

"I know nothing!

I see nothing!"

(Applause)

This just in!

There’s nothing in this piece of paper in my hand.

It is just a prop to make the news look more authentic.

(Soft laughter)

Well, it’s been a sad time, for women all across America,

Larry Bird broke his nose last week and ladies,

I’m afraid he’ll never look the same again.

(Laughter)

Billie Boggs, the homeless woman who gained famed after running

with New York Mayor Ed Kock spoke before

the Harvard Law School, on Thursday.

She told reporters that the incident - since the incident,

she has been interviewed on national television,

received movie and book offers and AT&T has asked her

to replace Cliff Robertson as the company spokesperson.

On a lighter note, these happy revelers at this week’s

Mardi Gras celebration, all are dead.

(Laughter)

(Clears throat)

Mike, come on buddy!

Come back to us!

(Laughter)

Grab the reins, it’s a monkey.

(Laughter)

And now with a sociological introspective,

here is news correspondent Victoria Jackson.

Hi, Victoria!

Hi!

Thanks Dennis!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you Dennis!

The life of a Coffee Mug by Victoria Jackson!

The life of coffee mug is not supreme.

Sure, I hold your coffee and your sugar and cream

but I think I need more out of life!

(Sobbing)

Victoria, what’s the matter?

(Talking with voice changed) I’m sorry, I can’t do it anymore!

I can’t do this stupid Victoria airhead thing, anymore.

(Laughter)

I’m a serious actress and it’s really making me sick!

I mean, how long can you pound a thing into the ground?

You know, what really kills me is that people buy it.

(Laughter)

The voice!

The poems, go figure!

Vic, but wait!

(Yelling) Shut up!

(Laughter)

Starting tonight, I’m gonna do what I do best,

insightful political commentary.

The ongoing conflict in Nicaragua, Ortega’s mustache,

by Victoria Jackson!

A mustache is a silly thing

A tickly, fickly prickly thing

A patch of hair growing over your lip

A hairy spot over the place you sip

Some people think a moustache is jolly

Others think it’s just pure folly

But to me, a mustache is nice

And add spice to life

As long as it doesn’t grow on your wife

And Dennis, back to you

Oh, thank you Victoria!

(Cheers and applause)

That really felt good to get off my chest!

Thank you very much!

Victoria Jackson!

Thank you!

(Applause)

Well, the Winter Olympics will continue for another week

but the real record in sports this week

goes the Elle Macpherson

who took the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

for the third consecutive year.

Magazine editors say it was no surprise, since she has trained

hard, stayed in shape during the off season,

but more than, that she had the desire in a world class set

of hooters.

(Laughter)

The edge was taken off the American teams’ disaster

showing in the Winter Games in Calgary, on Wednesday night

when pageant officials voted the United States team,

Miss Congeniality.

(Soft laughter)

And in a related Olympics story, the Portuguese bob sled team

plays last in the Daytona 500.

One of the hottest Olympic souvenirs in Calgary

is this inflatable luge doll.

The life size doll is especially popular with many the lonely

athletes and some of the more unattractive spectators.

This week in Calgary, Dick Palmer

head of the British Olympic Association

introduced chinless wonder Princess Anne

to British ski jumper Michael "too much chin" Edwards.

Palmer arranged the meeting.

He explained because I knew it would really make me laugh!

(Laughter)

Bad luck in Calgary for downhill skier Jeff Olson.

Olson was drawing through the Olympic village and threw

his back out when he made a sharp 360 degree turn

to avoid having a conversation

with ABC’s Olympic Commentators, Frank and Kathy Lee Gifford.

And three people were killed this week at the Calgary Olympics

when they attempted to sing the name game

with Pirmin Zurbriggen.

(Laughter)

This week, President Reagan sent Congress

next year’s budget proposals,

totaling nearly $1.1 trillion.

For further explanation, here is Weekend Update correspondent

Jon Lovitz.

Hello, Jon! Hello Dennis!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Dennis!

The national budget is so complicated

you have to be a genius to understand it.

You also have to be important, famous and successful.

You say you’re none of these?

Well, then, I have one piece of advice for you, get to know me!

Get to know my likes, my dislikes.

What makes me sick?

What makes me me?

What’s my favorite color?

Do I always come to life in the Spring?

Get to know me!

Now here’s a letter from a man who lives in Manhattan:

"Dear Jon, before I got to know you,

I was nothing, nowhere, nobody.

I didn’t have a cent to my name.

In fact, I didn’t have a name.

I couldn’t afford one.

And then I got to know you, and today

they call me Donald Trump!"

(Yelling) Get to know me!

What do I do in my spare time?

Have I always had this much hair?

Where is my secret freckle?

Get to know me!

Now, here’s a letter from a woman who lives in Europe:

"Dear Jon, before I got to know you,

I was nothing, nowhere, nobody.

I had bad teeth and couldn’t afford braces.

And then one day, I got to know you.

Well, I never got those braces, but today they call me

Queen Elizabeth!"

(Laughter)

Get to know me!

(Cheers and applause)

Now, here’s a letter from someone who didn’t get to know me---

"Dear Blank, I didn’t get to know you, signed Nobody."

(Laughter)

Now, I know some of you are probably thinking,

"What a jerk!"

Congratulations!

You’re getting to know me!

(Laughter and applause)

Oh, remember, if you want to get to know me--- Get to know me!

Thank you, Jon!

Thank you Dennis!

(Applause)

Thank you!

Thank you, Jon!

You know, the really sick thing is,

I know where his secret freckle is.

(Laughter)

A young California scientist this week

unveiled fetch-o-vision,

a television that comes and finds you

when something good is on.

(Laughter)

Once again - once again Director Steven Spielberg was spurned

by the Academy Award Nominations this week.

Spielberg enlisted the aid of a close friend

and former employee to express his feelings to the Academy.

(Laughter)

You know, Chevy Chase is hosting this year’s Academy Award Show

and they told me this was a dead end job.

Guess what folks that’s the news and I am---

(Music and applause)

(Phone dial tone)

Oh, come on, man!

Come on, please!

Just pick it up!

Please, pick up!

Apple Support System, can I help you?

Yeah!

Yeah! Support System, listen.

My name is Randy.

I’m new here and there’s no one else around.

I told them I knew how to work computers

and that’s why they hired me.

They’re gonna be in this morning and I gotta have results, man!

And I don’t know what’s what here---

Okay! Alright! Alright! Randy, get a hold of yourself.

Now, first of all, what kind of computer are you working with?

Uh, I don’t know!

Okay! Alright! Listen, take it easy.

We’re gonna just walk you through this.

It’s just a computer, man!

Okay! Alright! Alright!

Randy, are you there?

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! I’m - I’m here!

Randy, look in the lower left hand corner.

What does it say?

Uh, okay!

There’s a little yellow thing, it’s got a smile on it,

and it says, "Have A Nice Day."

Okay, Randy, that’s a sticker.

You might want to peel that off.

Oh, okay!

Alright! I got it!

Okay, alright! Good, Randy.

Now, what does it say underneath that?

Well, it doesn’t say anything underneath it, man!

It was just a sticker on the box!

Relax now, relax!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

There’s like a picture of a tangerine, or a tangelo, or---

Okay, that’s a big help, Randy.

Uh, it sounds like you’re operating a Macintosh!

Well, is it good or bad?

It’s good!It’s good! It’s user-friendly.

Uh, there should be a mouse hooked up to it.

Wait, wait, wait!

A mouse? User-friendly?

What are you talking about? You’re losing me, man!

You’re losing me!

Never mind that!

Randy, I want you to put me on your speaker box, on your phone.

What, the speaker box?

Yeah. On your speaker box.

That way you can have both hands free to operate the machine.

Oh, alright!Alright!

Speaker box, yeah, they told me how to do that.

(Soft laughter)

There, okay.

Are you there?

Hey!

(Yelling) Where’d you go, man?

Hey, where’d you go?

Right here, Randy.

Sorry, I was taking a sip of coffee.

Oh!

Oh, okay!

Yeah!

Is it - is it good coffee?

Yes, it is, Randy.

And maybe when all this is over,

you and I can get together for a nice, hot cup.

Yeah!

That’ll be good, yeah!

That’d be good.

You’re okay, now, are you with me?

Yeah! Yeah! I’m right here!

Now, listen very carefully.

With your left hand, reach behind the machine

and push down the rocker switch.

You mean, this light switch thing?

Yes. That’s it. Push it down.

Now?

Yes. Push it down, Randy.

Okay!

Oh, wait, hey man, it’s humming!

Hey! It’s making noises!

(Yelling) There’s a white light on this thing, man!

Randy, it’s okay!

It’s supposed to do that.

That’s good, that’s good!

Alright, Randy, you okay?

Yeah. I’m fine. I’m okay.

Alright, good! The hardest part’s over.

Okay, now, go down to your keyboard, and find the small---

Wait a minute, keyboard!

(Yelling) Man, what are you talking about?

Keyboard?

The panel, right below

the big box with the letters on it, Randy.

Well, you mean this typewriter deal?

Yeah!

Now, take your finger and push down twice

on that little white cube that says "Open".

Oh, okay, okay!

Here it goes!

I did it! I did it!

Hey, okay, it’s done!

It’s making noises, lots of noises!

Okay, Randy, you’ve now reached the Desktop mode,

you’re home-free.

Okay, okay, Desktop, alright!

Now, you should see a bunch of funny-looking pictures.

With your left hand, push down the Shift button

and the Command button at the same time.

Okay, got it.

Got it?

Got - yeah!

Yeah! Hey, piece of cake!

Congratulations!

You can now retrieve any file or document you want,

just by typing it on the keyboard.

Oh, that’s - that’s great!

Okay! Okay!I got it!

I guess I’m gonna hang up now, okay?

Okay, Randy!

Good luck!

Oh, and hey, Randy?

Yeah?

Have a nice day!

Thanks, man.

Hello?

Hi, yeah, thank you for holding.

Now, you wanted two round-trip tickets, right?

What day did you want to fly?

Okay!

Are you gonna need a rented car for that?

(Applause)

(Woman speaking) Dr.Davis, telephone please!

Dr.Davis, telephone---

(Man speaking) Okay, now!

Now! Push! Push! Come on!

You can do it! Push! Push!

Push harder now!

Come on! Keep pushing! Keep pushing!

Good! Alright, now, get up on the bed!

Excuse me, sir, I thought I asked you to wait outside.

Nurse, would you please!

Alright, I’ll wait outside. Okay!

I’ll wait out - I’ll wait here.

(Soft laughter)

(Slapping face) (Man cries)

You can do it, Doctor!

(Cries)

You can deliver this baby!

No! I can’t! I can’t do it!

You can!

(Yelling) Sir!

Would you please wait outside?

I’ll wait outside! I’ll wait outside!

Okay! Okay!

I know! I know! I’m sorry!

Sit down sir! Have some coffee!

Sir!

Thank you!

Dr.Davis, telephone, please!

Dr.Davis, telephone, please!

(Woman cries) Oh!

Oh, Doctor, it’s beautiful, it’s so beautiful!

Thank you! You really think so?

You see what I tried to do with the distance?

I did some shading here, way off in the back---

(Yelling) Sir! Please!

Okay, I’ll wait outside. Okay, I’ll wait outside.

Okay, I’ll wait here. Okay, I’ll be here.

Sit down.

There you go. Have some coffee.

(Loud noises)

(Doors slap)

I’m afraid we have some bad news.

What? What is it?

Well, we just can’t come up with an ending for this sketch.

We can’t keep going on and on with these lame jokes,

and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

(Laughter)

Well, yeah, but what about my wife?

Oh, she’s fine. She had a baby boy.

Oh, honey!

Isn’t he wonderful?

(Laughing happy)

Now, if you take my advice, you both get in your car

and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.

But, what about, uh - what about you?

Doctor, what about you?

Oh, I’ll be fine.

I’m in another sketch over there and it’s much,

much better than this one.

We won’t forget this Doctor.

Oh, I think you will.

(Laughter)

So long!

Goodbye, you poorly developed characters, you!

(Cheers and applause)

So, Bob, how’s he doing?

Hey, he’s up to the form of a condom bed.

Huh!

So, anyway, I’m flying back from the coast

after my Hudson Brothers gig---

Hey, how’d it go?

Oh great, great anyway.

I’m a sit-in coach and I’m thinking, hey,

why do they call it coach?

Hey, they don’t have any coaches there?

No way!

Hey! Its false advertising!

Business class has businessmen.

If I’m a coach, I wanna meet Don" Shula.

Hey!

What happens if a coach sits in business class?

Does he become a general manager?

I wanna know!

Hey, it’s Steve!

Hey, Steve!

And so, how’s everybody doing?

Hey!

Great!

Hey! It’s great to be here!

So, Steve, babe what’s going on?

Well, I just got back from eating Mexican and thinking,

hey, what’s the deal with these refried beans?

I mean, hey, why do they have to fry them twice?

Hey! You don’t eat twice!

Does that mean you get two checks!

I mean, my compliments to the chef again.

Excuse me, but with all these banter,

I’m in a java state of mind, anybody?

Hey! No thanks!

So, Bob these refried beans thing---

Hey, you got more?

Yeah!

It’s the chef wearing bifocals, I wanna know.

Oh, and hey, why are buying people always

wearing sunglasses?

I mean, hey, do deaf people wear earmuffs?

Huh?

I don’t know about you, but I gotta wonder.

Hey guys!

What do you say to God when he sneezes, just a side fact?

Hey!

(Laughter)

Hey!

And twice baked potatoes same deal!

Hey, Steve let it go!

So---

(Laughter)

Bob, I hear your girlfriend moved out.

Oh yeah!

Hey, couldn’t make a commitment!

Hey, that’s too bad!

Sorry to hear it!

Yeah!

Well, I’ll never forget when she was moving out.

And I was thinking, hey, why do they call it moving out?

She’s not gonna live out doors.

No way!

She’s gonna go right into another building and hey,

why do they call it a build-ing?

You never see anyone building it.

Hey, they should call it a built!

Hey!

Hey!

(Laughter)

Why do they call it half and half?

I mean, hey what if it’s only half full

does that make it quarter-quarter?

And hey, the top part isn’t cream and the bottom half milk,

they should call it crilk.

No, they shouldn’t!

Yes, they should!

No, they shouldn’t.

They should it mim!

Crilk!

Mim!

Crilk!

Mim!

Carilk!

Mim!

Hey!

Guys! Guys!

I mean, hey!

Hey guys, no man is an island!

And, what about that Gilligan’s Island?

(Both) Hey!

What do you mean?

Where did the house get all these baskets of clothes?

(Laughter)

It was a three hour tour, a three hour tour!

(Laughter)

What are they gonna do?

Change their outfits every 10 minutes, I have got to know!

Hey!

Hey Jeff!

How did it go?

Hey! I’m glad!

I’m saying, I’m really scoring with Gilligan’s Island bit.

Yes!

Gilligan’s Island bit!

Oh yeah!

The whole three hour tour thing!

Yes indeed!

Hey! That’s Bills’ bit!

Bills’ bit?

Excuse me, I got a set to do!

Hey!

Hey, great minds think alike!

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey!

(Cheers and applause)

Hello!

Hi! Yes! Hi, can I help you?

I - I’ve never pawned anything before, but I have this item,

and it’s - well, it’s sentimental value that’s---

We pay full sentimental value.

Oh!

Gosh, that’s great!

Okay!

Well, here it is.

It’s - it’s a moon, see?

And those, they’re not real diamonds, of course,

but my boyfriend gave me that and you know.

I know, he said he’d give you the moon and the stars

if he could, right?

Yes, he did!

Did he give you the star earrings that go with this?

No!

No!

Too bad. It’s worth more as a set.

No!

Are you still with him?

No! No, it didn’t work out.

Uh, that reduces the value, of course.

(Laughter)

Let me ask you this,

do you think he really meant what he said at the time?

Oh! Yes! Absolutely!

Okay!

Without a doubt!

65 bucks.

Sure! What?

Oh, that’s great!

I didn’t think I’d get that much!

Hey, if he wrote you any good letters,

I’d be happy to take a look at them!

Well, thank you!

Okay!

Uh, Tony, go ahead and put those on the shelf there.

Thanks! Okay!

Hi! Hi, what can I do for you?

I’d like to pawn this item, it’s a plastic piano.

(Child piano sound)

Who gave it to you?

My parents!

You see, when I was a boy, I loved the piano and---

and I always wanted to be a concert pianist,

and this was just a symbol of, you know,

how much they believed in me.

Oh!

So this is just a sad reminder of an unfulfilled dream, huh?

No! I - I made it.

I am a concert pianist.

I play with the city symphony.

Oh! Oh!

So, this would be nice for you to keep forever then?

Oh, yeah!

Your parents alive or dead?

My father passed away last summer.

Mother?

She’s still alive.

She’s not well.

(Laughter)

Look, I’ll be honest with you.

This’ll be worth a lot more when she goes, believe me.

(Laughter)

Gee, I really needed the money now, but, uh,

I guess you’ve got a point.

Well, you see, you’d have to take less now,

it’s the only thing.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Okay, well thanks, I’ll come back!

Okay, I’ll be here!

Thank you!

(Laughter)

Hi, can I help you, ladies?

Well, my friend here wants to pawn something

but I’d like to buy a bronze baby shoe.

Oh!Okay, sure!

Take a look through these and see what you like.

Thank you!

What can I do for you?

Is this worth anything?

Oh! Let me see!

I’d say, early marriage, peace token bought at an all-night

drugstore after he stormed out of the house after a quarrel,

right?

You’re so smart!

No, just a properly trained connoisseur!

Was he your first fight?

Ah!

Was it about something that seems incredibly silly

and trivial to you now?

No!

It was another woman.

But he gave me a Woofy, and he promised

he’d never do it again.

He didn’t mend his ways, did he?

No!

We basically have a marriage out of convenience.

I thought so!

I can usually spot a fraudulent sentiment.

I’m sorry, this little doggie isn’t worth the fuzz

that it’s made out of, I’m sorry!

Well, he was crying when he gave it to me.

Cheap sentimentality!

He might have been drunk, I don’t know, I mean.

Oh!

I’ll take this one.

Oh!

Oh, I can give you a deal on that, this kid was adopted.

Oh, super!

(Laughter)

Do you have any old yearbooks?

Oh, you lose yours?

Yeah! I was ’69.

Any Catholic high school book will do.

Sure!In the back.

Oh, okay!

And, uh, what about those fraternity pins?

I need one that’s engraved "Judy".

Uh, in the back.

Yeah, they’re alphabet - alphabetized back there.

Oh, okay!

Um, just out of curiosity,

what kinds of items are worth the most?

Well, the high end of this market is pretty stable.

Anything from a child, a handmade items

that took a lot of time and thought.

Oh!

The other day, I had a lady come in,

and she dropped off all her kids’ drawings!

They’re selling like hotcakes!

Wow!

Well, thanks for the appraisal!

Oh, sure thing!

Listen, come back sometime with an item

that means something to you, and we’ll do business!

Okay! Okay!

Find everything you need?

Yeah!

You want to ring things up for me?

Sure!

Whoa! Whoa!

What is that on your finger, next to the diamond?

Oh, that’s just a plastic gumball machine ring.

Ooh!

When Paul and I got married, we were so poor he gave this to me

as a wedding ring and of course, later he gave me

the two-karat diamond, but---

Oh, no, no! This one’s exquisite!

Yeah!

I like to wear it, you know, we were so young then.

Boy, the piece is absolutely first-rate.

Absolutely first-rate!

I mean, we’re talking over a thou!

Yeah!

Listen, promise if you ever want to pawn it,

you’ll come back here!

Alrighty, I will!

Okay!

I’d love to get my hands on that!

(Phone ringing)

Excuse me!

Hello, Downtown Pawn!

Pardon?

Oh, your parents wedding album?

And your grandmother’s diary?

Sure, I’ll take them!

Your father’s ashes?

Yeah, yeah!

I can keep the store open for another hour!

Sure! Great!

(Applause)

(Piano playing)

Hi! Listen!

Just one thing, I was really joking

about the register to vote thing.

I’ve been registered for full six and a half months to vote

so let’s not hear anything about it.

This was Randy Travis who’s won a ton of awards!

The cast, all these merry kids!

What a week thank you very much!

See you around!

Good night!

(Music and applause)