All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E10.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

The American Press
from that bastard Dan Rather

to that pussy Lesley Stahl
would have you believe

that I, George Bush, is weak,
spineless, and wimpish,

that I play
a faint second fiddle

to the orchestrations
of the President.

Well, here’s a fiddle
and here’s how I play it.

( cheers and applause )

How do you like that tune?

Announcer:
It’s time to getBushWhacked!

With your host, Vice President
of the United States,

Mr. Not Wimpy, George Bush!

All right. All right.

All right. All right.

Okay! Okay!

We’ve got--We’ve got a lot
to talk about tonight,

but first, it’s time
to say hello to little lady.

It’s time to say,
"Hello, Barbara."

Man: Hello, Barbara.

( applause )

I’ll see you later, woman.
( chuckles )

All right.

We’ve got a problem
in this country, people,

it’s a little thing
called Japan.

Audience: Yeah!

We’re getting a stuffing
knocked out of us

by a nation
that’s not even half our size,

a nation which we beat
the crap out of in World War II,

and I know because I was there!

Audience: Yeah!

There’s some people
like my guest here,

Mr. Charles Shephard,

professor of economics
at Cornell University,

who would just as soon give
the Japanese keys to the store.

( boos )

Okay, BushWhackers,
what do you want me to do him?

All: BushWhack him!

( laughter )
All right.

All right. Here we go.

All right,
Professor Shephard,

why don’t you tell
the Bush league here

your plans to ruin America
with your stupid trade policies?

With all due respect,
Mr. Vice President,

this country was built
on free trade!

Man: Moron!

( laughter )

All we need to succeed

is to improve the quality
of our products

and the efficiency
of our workers.

Unless you’re afraid

that the U.S. is unable
to compete in an open market.

( boos )
All right. All right.

I’m not gonna back down
from that.

I’ll tell you what I think,
professor.

I think your idea stink.

I think your colleague stinks.

And I think you stink!
( cheers and applause )

What do you think of that?

( indistinct shouting )

Yeah! Yeah.

Well, it’s a complex issue.
What’s your solution?

Do you propose
that we start a trade war?

You folks wanna hear
what I’d do, huh?

- Audience: Yeah!
- I’ll tell you what I’d do,

I’d assign a commission
to assess this situation!

Man: Yeah!

I’d give that commission
full power to make a report!

Man: Yeah.

A report that would be studied
by both Houses of Congress.

What I’m talking about
is people writing a report

and other people
reading the report.

An entirely different group
of people!

And no matter
what the report says,

it would’ve been read
not by the people who wrote it

but by the people who read it!

Are you with me?
What do you say?

I’m talking tough!

( laughter )

Well, it’s--of course it’s not
all etched in stone.

You know.
Look, whatever you want.

Hey, what about this?

Audience: Wimp! Wimp!
Wimp! Wimp!

What about this?
Is that a wimp, huh?

Who’s wimpish now?
Look at this, huh?

Are you trying to pick a fight
with me?

Audience: Ooh.

Well, no, not really.
I--Look, I--

You are picking a fight with me.

Audience: Yeah!

Okay. Okay.

Audience: Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!

Hey! Hey, cut it out!

- Cut it out!
- Now what do you say?

I don’t know.
Barbara, help me.

Come on, what do you say?

I don’t know what to say.
Just tell me what to say.

Come on, live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night,come on.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon!

Musical guest Robbie Robertson.

And featuring,
A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring Carl Weathers!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Carl Weathers!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
What a band, hey!

( cheers )

Oh. Good grief.

You know, I feel very lucky
to be here tonight.

I’ve lived a very lucky life
because I’ve been able

to achieve a lot
of my childhood dreams.

You know, I played in the NFL,

I was a linebacker
with the Oakland Raiders.

I also played in
the Canadian Football League.

Well, I mean, that’s not exactly
a childhood dream,

unless, of course,
you’re from Canada.

( laughter )

Well, maybe not even
if from Canada. ( chuckles )

Um, anyway,
I did all of those things

and, uh, then I got to play

the heavyweight champion
of the world.

I mean,
even if it was in a movie,

which isn’t quite the same
because only in a movie

could a white man
beat a black man

who was bigger, stronger...
( laughter )

( applause )
faster, and a better fighter!

So Gary Cooney[PH],
if you’re listening, man,

give it up.

Okay, but a movie is a fantasy.

But this is real.

I mean,
I’m standing here tonight

in front
of this incredible band!

( cheers and applause )

I mean, look,

it’s a chance to live out an
incredible dream I have, right?

So, what do you think, guys?

Can I sing a song with you,
guys?

- Absolutely. You got it, Carl.
- All right.

( applause )
This is hot. This is hot.

Give me a C, huh?

( guitar plays )

* What about a rainbow? *

* Have you ever noticed? *

* How you feel inside
When a rainbow’s *

* In the sky? *

* What about a rainbow? *

* Have you ever noticed? *

* How it feels outside
When a rainbow’s *

* in the sky? *

* Colors floating *

* In the air. *

* Gee
It must feel great to be *

* Up there *

* What about a rainbow? *

* Have you ever noticed? *

* How you feel inside
When a rainbow’s *

* In the sky? *

Okay. We have a great show
for you tonight!

Robbie Robertson is here,
so stay with us

’cause we’ll be right back!

( cheers and applause )

Here’s the rough design.

I’ll have the rest
in the morning.

- Nice girl.
- Yeah. She really is.

Too bad about her hands.

Announcer:
You’ve tried sanding them off.

- You’ve tried
slamming them off.
- ( groans )

And mitts only hide
the problem.

There’s no way around it,
you’ve got extra fingers.

It’s time for Handi-Off.

Only Handi-Off
contains Leprosin.

That tingle will tell you
it’s working.

Ooh.

In just three days,

unsightly fingers disappear
for good.

Hey, Sheila, pick you up at 6?

Let’s make it 5.

Subtract your extra digits
with Handi-Off.

And now there’s new Toe-Riffic
for toes.

Announcer: You are looking live
at Tuskegee Institute

founded by Booker T. Washington
in 1882

on this special
Super Bowl Edition

ofThe NFL today on CBS.

*

It’sThe NFL Today on CBS.

And now here is your host
Brent Musburger!

Good afternoon everybody.
( applause )

And welcome to The NFL Today
here on CBS.

You know, two weeks ago,
a colleague of ours here on CBS

made some unfortunate comments
about black athletes

and black people in general.

And once again,
we wanna remind our viewers

that we find those comments
reprehensible

and that they no way reflect
the attitudes of myself,

Irv Cross, Phyllis George,
Jayne Kennedy,

or anyone else who’s ever worked
on The NFL Todayon CBS.

All right!

Jimmy the Greek is back with us
for a limited,

closely supervised
two-week probationary period,

at the end of which time,
CBS executives will decide

whether he’ll be kept
on The NLF Todayon CBS.

Jimmy, welcome back!

Well, I got to say,
I am so glad to be back.

You know, you don’t get too many
second chances in life, Brent,

and the good Lord is giving one,
and believe me,

- I’m not gonna blow it for CBS,
believe me.
- All right.

Greek, your thoughts
on Super Bowl XXII.

Well, I think it’s important
to remember

that this game
is being played January 31st

on the eve
of black history month.

( laughter )

So it’s fitting that we finally
got a black quarterback

starting in the game,
Doug Williams of the Redskins.

But wait, there’s a dark cloud
hanging over this Super Bowl

because for the 22nd year
in a row,

the two head coaches
on the field will be Lily White

and that makes me sick!

All right.

A sentiment shared by everyone
here at CBS.

Now what about the game,
Greek?

What should we be looking for?

Oh, but I see it as a match-up
between two gifted quarterbacks.

You’ve got the intelligence
and savvy of Doug Williams

versus the sheer, raw, brute
animal power of John Elway.

Now I give the edge to Williams
and I’ll tell you why.

As a white man, Elway’s been
given a free ride all his life.

He’s got those big thighs
that go high into his back,

which, by the way,

is something you see
in players both black and white

and does not predominate
in any particular race,

but it’s genuine.

But getting back to Elway,
Brent.

This is just a culmination
of centuries of planning.

I mean, back in Ireland,
during the middle ages,

- the English would take
the big, white Irish guy...
- All right.

- and breed him with the big,
white Irish...
- All right. All right.

That is very interesting, Greek.
Very interesting, Greek.

So you’re taking Washington
then?

Well, Brent,
I couldn’t think of a better way

to kick-off black history month.

Did you know
that the first man to die

in the Revolutionary War
for American independence

was a black man,
Crispus Attucks, Brent?

Now you could look it up.

And how about
George Washington Carver?

Every time you eat
a peanut butter sandwich,

you owe it to him, Brent.

All right.

All right,
we’ve got Doug Williams

standing by live
from San Diego.

And Doug, what’s your game plan
as you prepare

for this Sunday Night’s
Super Bowl Game,

which is going up
against 60 Minutes

and Murder She Wrote
right here on CBS?

Well, basically, we’re gonna try
to contain their pass rush

as best as we can so that I have
time to find my receivers.

And there’s that intelligence,
Brent.

All right, Greek,
any questions for Doug Williams?

Well, first of all, Doug,
I wanna say congratulations

and you’ll be playing
for all of us.

What do you mean, Jimmy?

Well, as a Greek-American,

I know the kind
of racial prejudice

you’ve had to endure,
and let’s face it, Doug,

we’ve all got to deal
with the man,

blacks and whites alike.

- What?
- When he says jump,
we all got to jump.

Greek,
your question for Doug.

All right, Brent.

Doug,
have you ever read the book

Go Tell It on the Mountain
by James Baldwin?

No, Greek, I’m sorry,
I never have.

Oh, well, then my question
really wouldn’t make much sense.

So good luck in the game, Doug!

- Uh, thanks, Greek.
- All right.

But you ought to get that book,
Doug, it knocked me out.

I’ll send you my copy.

- All right.
- Yeah, thanks.

Thank you, Doug.

And we’ll be right back
to mark a special milestone

right here on The NFL Today.

Our own Irv Cross’
158th broadcast

when The NFL Todaycontinues
here on CBS.

Announcer:
King Cobra Malt Liquor
presentsYou Make The Call.

Trailing 27-21
in the fourth quarter

with time running out,

Oakland quarterback Ken Stabler
throws to Dave Casper

for a 12-yard game.

Apparently,
ignoring Cliff Branch,

who stands alone
across the field.

Did Stabler not see
his wide open black receiver

or is he a racist?

You make the call.

The answer,
after this word

from King Cobra,
premium malt liquor.

- Man: Black man.
- Don’t let the smooth taste
fool you.

* King Cobra *

Upon further examination,
it appears impossible

that Stabler
could not have seen

his wide open black teammate.

If you said
Stabler was a racist,

you made the right call.

( laughter )

All right, we’re back,
and Greek is here to--

- Greek.
- Oh, excuse me, Brent.

I’m just enjoying
this peanut butter sandwich,

would you care for some?

- No, thanks. No, no.
- Well, it’s really delicious
and healthy, too,

- all thanks
to George Washington Carver.
- All right.

Greek, six weeks ago,

you told me you had some inside
information on the Raiders

that you were saving
for the end of the season.

Brent, I’m not so sure
you wanna hear that information.

Oh, come on, Greek.
Don’t pull that on me now.

I’ve been telling our viewers
the whole weekend about it...

- No, Brent--
- right here.

- Where?
- On CBS.

- Oh, okay.
- No, but I’m serious.

In light of recent developments,
I think we should drop it.

Now why don’t we just go
to my Super Bowl pick!

Greek, we’ve got one minute left
in the last show of the season

right here on CBS.

Come on, let’s have it.

Brent, do you promise
to stand by me

if my information
is accurate?

Greek, you got it.
All right.

- Let’s get to it.
- ( sighs )

Brent, I had lunch
with Al Davis six weeks ago

and he told me he was gonna try
to fix up Bo Jackson,

that big running back he’s got
with Oprah Winfrey!

Now of course,
they’d have to agree to it.

But if they do, Brent,

watch out for those Raiders
20 years from now.

- Whoa!
- All right.

Greek, I can’t believe
you just said that.

No, that’s not all, Brent.

There’s a rumor coming out
of the Eagles organization

- about their speedy
little receiver Mike Quick.
- All right.

He’s dating that girl
from Facts of Life,

and brother, she can jump!

I saw an episode
when the girl went to France

and there was a mouse
in the hotel room

- and, Brent, that girl
has a 46-inch vertical leap!
- All right, all right.

Now the Eagles
may not look like much now but--

( test tone beeps )

All right,
that wraps up another season

for The NFL Todayon CBS.

For myself, Brent Musburger,
Irv Cross, Will McDonough,

everybody who works here
at The NFL Today,

so long...on CBS.

( applause )

*

( cheers )

Announcer: Live from Failing
Farmer Auditorium

in Des Moines, Iowa,
it’s the...( sighs )

43rd Debate of the 1988
Democratic candidates

for president, brought to you
by the 6th grade class

of Council Bluffs
Elementary School.

And here’s tonight’s moderator,

Colorado Congresswoman
Pat Schroeder.

( applause )
Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I’m Pat Schroeder.

As you know, I was almost a
candidate for president myself.

And when I withdrew
from the race, I cried.

I would like to apologize

and I’d like to say,
as a woman and a Democrat,

I no longer respond to
stressful situations that way.

( laughs )

Okay. ( sniffles )

Let’s meet our candidates,

and please hold your applause
till the end

out of fairness to Al Gore
and Gary Hart

who are unpopular here in Iowa.

( laughter )

Massachusetts Governor
Michael Dukakis.

( applause )

Sen. Paul Simon from Illinois.

Former Arizona Governor
Bruce Babbitt.

( laughter )

Missouri Congressman
Richard Gephardt.

Sen. Albert Gore Jr.
of Tennessee.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson.

And former Colorado Senator
Gary Hart.

( cheers and applause )

We’ll begin with you, Sen. Hart.

Well, I’m not going to ask you
about you know what.

Know what?

Well, you know.

You mean my new ideas?

No.

You mean my plan
to revitalize the economy?

No.

Well, then I don’t know
what you’re talking about.

I’m talking about your dalliance
with a Miami model,

your implausible response
to the disclosure,

your subsequent withdrawal
from the race,

and your recent reentry.

I cannot believe
you brought that up.

I’ve admitted I made a mistake

and I’m not gonna answer
that question!

Well, sorry! ( sobs )

( laughs )

Okay. Yes, All right.
( clears throat )

Now Gov. Dukakis,

your critics
are doubting your ability

to translate
the Massachusetts Miracle

to the rest of the nation.

When you first came to Iowa,

you suggested that the farmers
try growing a different crop

and you cited as an example,
Belgian endive.

Mm-hmm.

( laughter )

Do you think
that Belgian endive

still is the answer
to Iowa’s economy?

Pat, each of us here tonight

is asking for America’s
leadership and trust,

allowing us to lead the country.

And I don’t think that
you can lead without a vision,

and I have a vision
for America.

I see purple mountains
over Radicchio.

I see wooded valleys
over Arugula.

I see Escarole
from sea to shining....

( timer beeps )
sea.

I know I’m running out of time,
so let me conclude

that with direction,
with purpose,

little oil and vinegar,
eggs and feta cheese,

there is nothing we cannot do.

Thank you.

Okay,
please hold your applause.

- Thank you.
- Sen. Gore, your wife Tipper

has led the fight to censor

offensive rock ’n’ roll lyrics
and videos.

At the same time,
you have admitted

that while you were in college,
you and Tipper smoked pot.

My question to you is,

what on Earth
were you listening to

when you were smoking
the marijuana?

Uh, Pink Floyd.

I was wondering if I could use
the rest of my time to explain

my views on arms control
and stronger defense.

I’m sorry,
you will have to use your time

to answer the question
which is posed.

Okay.

It was Dark Side of the Moon.

And I’ve admitted
to smoking pot,

and a lot of people
have made the same mistake...

( applause )

and will never, ever
do it again.

Oh, sorry.
Please, no applause.

- Uh, Reverend--Rev. Jackson.
- Yes, Pat?

You’ve advocated huge cuts
in defense spending,

I admire that, but won’t that
weaken us militarily?

Well, Pat, we have a strong
military defense.

We have guided missiles
but misguided policies.

We have minesweepers
in the Persian Gulf,

but there’s a great need
for drug sweepers

in the Gulf of Mexico.

Economically, we must stop
the process of merging,

purging and submerging,
merging corporations,

purging workers,
submerging our economy.

We have in this country
welfare and jail care

when we should have workfare
and childcare.

Now from the poorhouse
to the courthouse,

to the state house
to the White House.

If not now, when?
If not me, who?

If not--
( applause )

I’m sorry, Pat,
what was that question?

( cheers and applause )

Sen. Simon, why the bow tie?

( laughter )

Oh, Pat, my advisors...

( laughter, applause )

have been begging me for years
to get rid of the bow tie...

but with Paul Simon,
what you see is what you get

and I’m not about
to change my bow tie

to please some media advisor.

And so I wear the bow tie.

And I think
that the American people

want a president
who’s not afraid to say,

"I am who I am,
bow tie and all."

( timer beeps )
Oh, I’m sorry. May I finish?

Yes, go ahead.

So that’s why I wear
the bow tie.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

( applause )

Thank you.

Gov. Babbitt, you have said
that you would raise taxes

in order to reduce the deficit.

Isn’t that what we heard
from Walter Mondale in 1984?

Well, Pat, I think the Americans
are ready for some honest talk.

Now who else on this platform
will stand up

and say they’re willing
to increase taxes

to get a hold of this deficit?

Okay, who here will stand up
in favor of universal daycare?

All right, how about
for the rights of homosexuals

in the working place,
including the military?

( laughter )

All right,
a manned mission to Mars,

who will stand up
for a manned mission to Mars?

Okay, how about--
( timer beeps )

Thank you, Governor.

( applause )

Thank you Gov. Babbitt.

And now onto
Cong. Richard Gephardt.

Your critics have called
your trade bill "protectionist".

How do you respond to that?

Well, Pat,
I believe in fair trade,

but I also believe
in fair trade.

The bill I’ve sponsored
in Congress

will take strong
retaliatory measures

- against countries...
- ( thinking )
Boy, he is not funky at all.

Take for example South Korea...

( thinking )
One of my hair is out of place,

it’s hanging
right over my forehead.

There. Got it.

( thinking )
Oh, yeah. Third row.

She’s a fox and she knows it.

Yeah. You baby. Uh-huh.

The South Koreans
would think about is this...

( thinking )
Maybe I shouldn’t be president.

Nah, no, I should.

( laughter )

( thinking )
I think I scored big
on the bow tie.

The world has been the same...

( thinking )
I wonder if I’m still
in that room

at the Holiday Inn,

or if they switched me
to the Ramada.

( thinking ) You’re doing great,
if you can just keep

- from crying...
- And that’s really
what we’re talking about here.

( thinking ) Uh-oh,
I’m losing my concentration.

- And that’s all that I ask...
- I’m floating up
to the ceiling.

And really, in closing,

that’s what I think
that you deserve.

Thank you, gentlemen.
I’m sorry.

We’re all out of time

because you all have to go on
to Davenport

for the next Democratic debate.

I’m Pat Schroeder.
I’m honored to be here.

Thank all of you so much
for sharing your views.

Good night.

*

Announcer: Now stay tuned
for the 38th debate

of the 1988
Republican candidates

from Cap’s Oil Well Arena
in Houston, Texas.

*

Thanks for coming over
to do me, Damian.

- I hope you can stay
a little longer.
- Oh, thanks, Helen.

I have to be back
in the salon by 3.

Oh, you have time,
stick around.

Sherry is gonna be by any minute
with her new beau.

She’ll be heartbroken
if she misses you.

Okay, I’ll stay.

How can you be so comfortable
with those guns?

Oh, I don’t know.

My husband introduced me
to firearms

the year before he left.

It seems the more he hated
having sex with me,

the more he was afraid someone
else would break into the house

- and do it for him.
- ( chuckles )

And you actually know
how to use them?

Oh, you bet I do.

This is my baby, the magnum.

It has real stopping power.

But the snub nose
is better for the purse,

you know,
trips to the market,

the golf course,
church and so on.

Uh, I don’t know,
they scare me.

- I couldn’t own one.
- Well, you wouldn’t need to.

Nobody wanna molest you.

You have you ever met
my roommate Jason.

( laughs )

Damian.

( sneezes )

( laughter )

So, what’s Sherry’s
new boyfriend like?

I don’t know,
I’ve never met him.

Really?

Maybe I should leave.

Why do you say that?

Well, I mean, after all,
we never met him.

Well, so what?

Well, I--I just wouldn’t wanna
make him uncomfortable.

What are you saying?

Because you’re gay?

Oh, listen to me.

Damian, I’ll tell you,

if he’s one of those
intolerant macho types,

I’ll throw him out on his can,
believe you me.

( car engine revving )

Oh, that must be them.

Look, if you’re uncomfortable,
just butch it up a bit

- until you know
where he’s coming from, okay?
- Okay.

Okay.
( knocks )

Come in!

- ( chuckles )
- Hi, ma.

Damian, hi.
What are you doing here?

This is my boyfriend Jim.

Hey, Jim, how’s it going?

Oh, fine, thanks,
nice to meet you.

And come here.
I want you to meet my mother.

Mom, this is Jim.

Mrs. Waddler[PH], Sherry
has told me all about you.

I’m...

Well, come on, let’s sit down.
What do you say?

Yeah. Yes.

Well, how about that Super Bowl?

Oh, yeah.
You up for the game?

That’s putting it mildly.

( chuckles )
Yeah. I’m pretty funk myself.

I didn’t know
you were such a fan, Damian?

Oh, to the core.
To the core!

You know, I guess most people
are gonna be rooting

- for the Broncos.
- Yeah.

But why not, after that beating
they took last year, huh?

No kidding.

Me, I’m Redskins
all the way, man.

Yeah, oh, sure, me too. Yeah.

Hey, do you think Art Monk’s
knee is gonna hold up next year?

Well...

Oh, how the hell should I know.

( laughter )

Hey, hey. Look at this.
Check this out.

Oh, God, please don’t!

Mother.

That’s all right, Sherry.

I really shouldn’t handle
someone else’s firearms, I mean,

not without their permission,
anything.

Well, no, I don’t think
that’s the problem, Jim.

Mother, why don’t you just say
what’s on your mind?

Well, all I was thinking was--

I just feel that it--
frankly in a way I...

Oh. Oh, look, look.
I think I can help.

Obviously,
this is a very awkward situation

and it’s going to remain awkward

until its dealt with ultimately
and rationally so.

Look, why don’t you just admit
that you’re gay?

That’s a lie!

How dare you insult my
hairdresser in my own house?

- Oh. no. Come on, mom.
- All I said was...

- Get out. Get out! Get out!
- No. No. Mother!

- Get out!
- No!

( gunshots )
( screaming )

Mother!

( gunshots )

Stop it!

Mother, you’re not even giving
each other a chance!

( sobbing )

( cheers and applause )

I have to get back to work.

- Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.
- Oh, Mother.

It looks like mom has gone
and blown her top again.

Mother, how could you?

I hope you can find it in
your heart to forgive me, Jim.

Ever since my husband left me,

I’ve been a jumpy,
paranoid old bitch.

I noticed.

I’m so ashamed.

Oh.

Look, Helen,
of course I forgive you.

You got to understand something,
I’m a black man.

We learned a long time ago

that we can’t let a few million
crazy white people

spoil it for the rest
of the planet.

- Oh, Jim.
- Yeah.

( cheers and applause )

*

Announcer:
And now,Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Nah, come on, you didn’t think
I’d do the whole news

wearing this thing,
did you, huh?

Nah, now way.

Okay, I am--

I’m sure, by now,
that you’re all familiar

with the new Broadway show
about a tormented madman

who lurks
beneath the Paris opera house.

I, myself, am more interested
in a new show

about a tormented
talk show viewers

who are tortured by a large
talkative black woman

five times a week.

It’s called
Phantom of the Oprah,

and...
( laughter )

it opens with a national tour
this spring.

Come on, now you didn’t think
I’d do the whole news

with this thing, did you?

Nah, it’s just a fake scar,

the makeup guy told me
I could pull it right off and--

Damn it!

That hurt.

( laughter )

That really hurt.

Acting!

( laughter )

The--
( applause )

Oh, thank you
for kind of liking that.

You know, the Soviet Union
has just introduced

two new breakfast cereals

honoring its leader
and first lady,

the cereals are to be called
Raisa Bran and Gorba Chex,

and they will be on
the U.S. market in late summer.

( laughter )

President Reagan
will ask Congress

to establish cash awards
for inventions,

and the first $10,000 award will
go to Admiral John Poindexter

for that Iran story
he came up with.

The Israeli government,

looking for a way
to ease Palestinian unrest,

is hoping to open the Gaza Strip
to casino gambling.

Moe Green, head of
the Israeli Gaming Commission,

said, "Licensed gambling
will bring jobs, revenue,

and big-name entertainment
to the strip."

Green went on to say,
"If you are going to visit

the Gaza Strip,
bring a riot shield

and your Visa Card because
they don’t take prisoners,

and they don’t take
American Express."

Two brothers from New--

Two brothers from New Jersey
were kept from reporting

a 1982 UFO encounter
until yesterday

for fear that no one
would believe them.

They told reporters
that they were beamed

from inside their car
to a sphere-shaped spacecraft.

Once inside, they were probed
with space needles,

and forced to have sex
with a woman

that they can now positively
identify as Jessica Hahn.

( laughter )

And now with a sociological
introspective,

here is news correspondent
Victoria Jackson.

- Hi, Victoria.
- Hi, Dennis.

Thank you.

The Life of a Table
by Victoria Jackson.

Okay.

Wait one minute.

"The life of a table
is not grand.

You place things on me
you wouldn’t hold in your hand,

cold, hot, and wet things,
smelly things and more.

I’m a useful convenience
whose life is a bore.

I’ve got four legs.

There’s places I wanna go,
but I’m stiff as a board

so I travel too slow.

The life of a table
is not so great,

but I must say,
I’ve never known another life,

so I guess mine is okay."

Okay.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

( chuckles )

Thank you, Victoria.
Thank you.

You know, if we were married,
I’d never leave the apartment.

( laughter )

Well,
tomorrow at Super Bowl XXII,

and if you’re asking me
for a prediction,

I believe that Webster
and Gary Coleman

will marry the Lander sisters

and tour the country
as a bizarre trapeze act.

Disaster struck
at New York harbor this week

when a disabled supertanker
spilled 10 million gallons

of Yoo Hoo chocolate drink
into the Hudson River.

Scientists are unable to predict
what the effect

the spill will have
on the local ecology

since no one
is really quite sure

what Yoo Hoo is made of.

Here’s an update on that
Amtrak accident this week.

Amtrak officials, this time, are
blaming a disgruntled employee

who, evidently,
painted the opening of a tunnel

on the side of a mountain.

( laughter )

The accused switchman,
one William M. Coyote,

is still missing.

( applause )
And now--

And now here to set sail on
the boundless ocean of ignorance

and a lifeboat
of oversimplification,

is A. Whitney Brown
with The Big Picture.

Hello, Whitney.
Thank you, Dennis.

( applause )

Well, this week, The Big Picture
is a bullet-packed fresco

on a prison wall in Jerusalem.

Arab against Jew is nothing new,
I know, but this time, at least,

the Jews have the rules
of the playground on their side.

Scissors beat paper,
rocks beat scissors,

tanks beat rocks.

And the Palestinians
are as pissed off

as pyromaniacs
in a petrified forest.

So they’re throwing rocks.

Now the Israelis
can break hands all day long

but there’s always
gonna be more pitchers

in the Palestinian bullpen.

I know, here in America,

we’re supposed to be
on the side of the Israelis,

because,
well, they owe us money.

But if they claim
to be a free country,

they ought to act like one.

You know, use fire hoses
and dogs like we did in Alabama.

I understand Israel’s
in a tough situation.

They’re surrounded
by sworn enemies,

in fear of their lives,

and as paranoid
as pole-watchers in Haiti.

Their country is smaller
than Long Island

and it has a lower percentage
of Jews as well.

( laughter )

But this racial hatred
between Jews and Arabs

seems a little confusing

because they don’t seem
all that different

to the rest of the world.

If it wasn’t for the Jews
being right all the time,

I wouldn’t be able
to tell them apart.

( laughter )

On the other hand, I can see why
Palestinians would have a beef.

A bad attitude
comes easy to a man

who lives in a refugee camp
in his own country.

You know, this whole
racism thing is almost sad,

in a way, sort of,
when you think about it.

But the Israelis say
this breaking of bones

is nothing personal
against Palestinians in general,

it’s just an example
of what they could do

if they didn’t like them.

They also say
if somebody has a better idea

or a better solution, they--

unless they have a better
solution, they shouldn’t judge.

So let me just throw this out.

Crucifixion.

I mean, if you really wanna set
an example,

it is something
that people really remember.

( laughter )

And that, my friends,
is a helpful suggestion

from the mighty montage
of history

that makes up The Big Picture.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you.

Columbia Records
made marketing history this week

when it released
George Michaels’

latest album "Faith"
on digital I.U.D.

Amid reports this week
that he’ll wed

debutante Cornelia Guest,
Sylvester Stallone announced

that he plans to begin
a new film project in February,

autobiographical look
at his first two marriages.

The film,
to be entitled Rocky,

is set for release
later this year.

Sarah Ferguson is pregnant
and will give birth this August.

London bookies say
that the best bet

is that the child will be named
either George or Elizabeth,

and give 3 to 1 odds
on those two names.

The long shots are Schlomo
and Yetta.

( laughter )

And in Punxsutawney,
Pennsylvania this Tuesday,

composer Andrew Lloyd Weber
will come out of his hole,

see his shadow,
crawl back into his hole,

and we won’t have to hear
from him for another year.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news,
and I am out of here.

( cheers and applause )

*

*

Announcer: And now we bring you
another page from the diary

of the world’s greatest actor
Master Thespian.

( applause )

Dear diary, today, I begin
rehearsal for the play Othello.

I should be overjoyed,
but cruel fate has relegated me

to the role of Iago.

Alas,
a royal Shakespeare committee

has bestowed the title role

upon the great Chinese actor,
Ching Wah!

Imagine.

Passing me up for the 5’2",
70 year-old Chinese man.

It’s almost an insult.

Nevertheless,
I await his arrival.

Until tomorrow,
Master Thespian.

( knocks )
Enter.

Is this the home
of Master Thespian?

Yes.

And are you he?

Yes.

I am the one
they call Ching Wah.

What? You’re Ching Wah?

I thought you were Chinese.

Makeup.

( laughter )

But how do you account
for your height?

- Acting!
- Genius!

- Thank you!
- Thank you!

Ho-ho. You’re Ching Wah.

Imagine, I heard you were
a 70-year-old Chinese man.

I am. I get plenty of rest
and avoids the fried food.

Oh, me. He’s the greatest actor
I’ve ever seen.

But with him playing Othello
and me playing Iago,

who will notice me?

I’ll be blown off this stage!

Whoever are you speaking to?

Uh, my agent.

But there’s no one there.

No wonder
I’m not getting any work.

( laughter )

Thespian,
shall we run the lines?

Yes, yes.
Let me get my scripts?

Don’t you have
your lines memorized?

And I supposed you do?

Observe, Thespian.

It is the cause,
it is the cause,

yet I’ll not shed her blood,

nor scar that whiter skin
of hers than snow,

and smooth
as monumental alabaster.

Yet she must die!

- ( sobbing )
- Oh, oh, the lines are genius.

Oh, I’ve got to do something
or I’ll be ruined.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, Ching Wah,
your performance was perfect.

- Absolutely perfect.
- Thank you.

Nobody would ever believe you’re
a 70-year-old Chinese man.

- But that is the point.
- Oh.

- Is that what they teach you
in China?
- Yes, Thespian.

Is there something wrong
with that?

No, no.

Not unless you wish
to be...anonymous forever,

for how is Ching Wah
to become famous

when he looks like Othello,
sounds like Othello,

and acts like Othello?

But won’t they recognize
the greatness of my work?

Yes,
but they won’t recognize you.

Ooh. Thespian,
perhaps you are right.

Please tell me what to do.

- No, no, I couldn’t.
- Oh, please.

Please, Thespian,
I’m begging you.

- Thespian,
I am begging you, please.
- No, it’s not my place.

- Anyway, if you wish
to become famous...
- Yes.

there are three things
you must remember.

Now the first thing is, line.

I’m too subtle.

You’re too subtle.

Really?

Oh, Thespian,
I always thought less was more.

Don’t be silly.
Othello is them all!

- Brilliant!
- Thank you!

Now the second thing to remember
is you must be yourself.

But I am playing the more.

And the more you play,
the better you feel.

Beans, beans, for every meal.

I must eat beans?

- And be yourself.
- Aha.

Thespian,
I think I see what you mean.

But give me a moment.

( glass shatters )

Desdemona, wake up,

it is your husband
Othello the Moor.

Better known as great
Chinese actor Chang Wah!

- Well, Thespian,
what you think?
- Perfect.

No one will ever mistake you
for Othello now.

- Thank you.
- What happened to your hand?

- Nothing.
- Oh, you fooled me!

- Acting!
- Genius.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I keep hair mustache, it will
make me look a little younger.

- Oh, indubitably, yes.
- Small vanity.

Yes. Well, come Ching Wah,
we’re off to the theater.

Oh. By the way Thespian,
what is third thing to remember?

The third thing was--
Oh, yes.

Always remember,
Iago is the lead.

- Billion!
- Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Come, Ching Wah.
- Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

*

( birds chirping )

Let me tell you something,

when I took over that building,
it was a beauty shop,

strictly rented
as a beauty shop.

Now I want her out of here
or I want a rent increase.

I have had it up to here
with her.

I want her out!

It’s a legal matter now.

I own that building.
I own that space!

I have been in my shop
for 22 years

and no one has ever questioned
my work.

My husband, Gleason,
rest his soul.

Jackie Gleason, he died.

- What a sad thing.
- No. No, Marie,
not Jackie Gleason.

Gleason my husband who died.

Oh.

He was hit by a truck.

It was a tragedy for both of us.

Well, I brought him in
and I gave it some thought,

and I decided I would utilize
one of my crafts,

the art of decoupage.

Decoupage, you know,
it’s a French craft.

I pieced them back together
in a very Picassoesque fashion,

they were very elegant

and I did a collage type
of thing, like a match books

and I made newspaper clippings
and I put them altogether,

little pieces that meant
something to both of us.

And the finished product
was so stunning, I--

It’s just too bad
I couldn’t have framed it.

After Gleason,
there was Vye[PH]

She died under the dryer.

It was three hours
before we knew.

We thought she was turning
the pages of her magazine

but it was just the fan
blowing them.

Vye, had indeed expired.

She had had complete
makeup application.

She had her hair permed
and tinted.

She had her nails done,
a pedicure.

There was no question
she was ready to meet her maker.

See what I mean?
( indistinct conversation )

She is sick.
And she’s doing sick things.

She’s got two businesses
over there.

This is the entrance way
to the chapel service area.

We like to think of it
as the heavenly pathway

to the mysterious hereafter.

Very expensive to clean.

She’s...
( indistinct conversation )

I don’t know.

What about Carol’s dog?

She dress the dog.

She didn’t even like the dog.

Vick and Carol
came to me grieving,

their little dog, a Chihuahua,
Peanut, died of obesity.

Well,
I felt very badly for them.

I knew that Peanut
was their king

and now their kind was dead.

Well, I found they needed
a funeral outfit,

they were
the catholic persuasion.

You’re finished, darling.

And I dressed him in it.

It’s was quite snug,
he was very obese.

And I must say,
looking at him on his throne,

with his red cape
and crown and scepter,

well, he--
he looked like a prince.

It was quite a pageant.

And when Vick and Carol
walked into the shop

and they viewed their Peanut,

they burst forth
in their grief and joys.

Then Ms. Carol said,
"And she kissed us the step."

I’ll never forget it.

I’ve got people
who are interested

in turning this place
into a pasta house.

I do.

Whether I stay or go,
my work will go on.

We talk, we drink our coffee,
we eat our Fannie May.

We love each other, I guess.

We have an understanding.

There is beauty
and there was death.

And even in death,
there was beauty.

It’s simple.

( footsteps )

( applause )

*

Well, thank you very much.

Thank you for coming.
We had a great time.

Robbie Robertson was hot.
( cheers and applause )

And everybody
at Saturday Night Livewas live!

*