Original subtitles

The American Press from that bastard Dan Rather

to that pussy Lesley Stahl would have you believe

that I, George Bush, is weak, spineless, and wimpish,

that I play a faint second fiddle

to the orchestrations of the President.

Well, here’s a fiddle and here’s how I play it.

( cheers and applause )

How do you like that tune?

Announcer: It’s time to getBushWhacked!

With your host, Vice President of the United States,

Mr. Not Wimpy, George Bush!

All right. All right.

All right. All right.

Okay! Okay!

We’ve got--We’ve got a lot to talk about tonight,

but first, it’s time to say hello to little lady.

It’s time to say, "Hello, Barbara."

Man: Hello, Barbara.

( applause )

I’ll see you later, woman. ( chuckles )

All right.

We’ve got a problem in this country, people,

it’s a little thing called Japan.

Audience: Yeah!

We’re getting a stuffing knocked out of us

by a nation that’s not even half our size,

a nation which we beat the crap out of in World War II,

and I know because I was there!

Audience: Yeah!

There’s some people like my guest here,

Mr. Charles Shephard,

professor of economics at Cornell University,

who would just as soon give the Japanese keys to the store.

( boos )

Okay, BushWhackers, what do you want me to do him?

All: BushWhack him!

( laughter ) All right.

All right. Here we go.

All right, Professor Shephard,

why don’t you tell the Bush league here

your plans to ruin America with your stupid trade policies?

With all due respect, Mr. Vice President,

this country was built on free trade!

Man: Moron!

( laughter )

All we need to succeed

is to improve the quality of our products

and the efficiency of our workers.

Unless you’re afraid

that the U.S. is unable to compete in an open market.

( boos ) All right. All right.

I’m not gonna back down from that.

I’ll tell you what I think, professor.

I think your idea stink.

I think your colleague stinks.

And I think you stink! ( cheers and applause )

What do you think of that?

( indistinct shouting )

Yeah! Yeah.

Well, it’s a complex issue. What’s your solution?

Do you propose that we start a trade war?

You folks wanna hear what I’d do, huh?

- Audience: Yeah! - I’ll tell you what I’d do,

I’d assign a commission to assess this situation!

Man: Yeah!

I’d give that commission full power to make a report!

Man: Yeah.

A report that would be studied by both Houses of Congress.

What I’m talking about is people writing a report

and other people reading the report.

An entirely different group of people!

And no matter what the report says,

it would’ve been read not by the people who wrote it

but by the people who read it!

Are you with me? What do you say?

I’m talking tough!

( laughter )

Well, it’s--of course it’s not all etched in stone.

You know. Look, whatever you want.

Hey, what about this?

Audience: Wimp! Wimp! Wimp! Wimp!

What about this? Is that a wimp, huh?

Who’s wimpish now? Look at this, huh?

Are you trying to pick a fight with me?

Audience: Ooh.

Well, no, not really. I--Look, I--

You are picking a fight with me.

Audience: Yeah!

Okay. Okay.

Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Hey! Hey, cut it out!

- Cut it out! - Now what do you say?

I don’t know. Barbara, help me.

Come on, what do you say?

I don’t know what to say. Just tell me what to say.

Come on, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night,come on.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon!

Musical guest Robbie Robertson.

And featuring, A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring Carl Weathers!

Ladies and gentlemen, Carl Weathers!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a band, hey!

( cheers )

Oh. Good grief.

You know, I feel very lucky to be here tonight.

I’ve lived a very lucky life because I’ve been able

to achieve a lot of my childhood dreams.

You know, I played in the NFL,

I was a linebacker with the Oakland Raiders.

I also played in the Canadian Football League.

Well, I mean, that’s not exactly a childhood dream,

unless, of course, you’re from Canada.

( laughter )

Well, maybe not even if from Canada. ( chuckles )

Um, anyway, I did all of those things

and, uh, then I got to play

the heavyweight champion of the world.

I mean, even if it was in a movie,

which isn’t quite the same because only in a movie

could a white man beat a black man

who was bigger, stronger... ( laughter )

( applause ) faster, and a better fighter!

So Gary Cooney[PH], if you’re listening, man,

give it up.

Okay, but a movie is a fantasy.

But this is real.

I mean, I’m standing here tonight

in front of this incredible band!

( cheers and applause )

I mean, look,

it’s a chance to live out an incredible dream I have, right?

So, what do you think, guys?

Can I sing a song with you, guys?

- Absolutely. You got it, Carl. - All right.

( applause ) This is hot. This is hot.

Give me a C, huh?

( guitar plays )

* What about a rainbow? *

* Have you ever noticed? *

* How you feel inside When a rainbow’s *

* In the sky? *

* What about a rainbow? *

* Have you ever noticed? *

* How it feels outside When a rainbow’s *

* in the sky? *

* Colors floating *

* In the air. *

* Gee It must feel great to be *

* Up there *

* What about a rainbow? *

* Have you ever noticed? *

* How you feel inside When a rainbow’s *

* In the sky? *

Okay. We have a great show for you tonight!

Robbie Robertson is here, so stay with us

’cause we’ll be right back!

( cheers and applause )

Here’s the rough design.

I’ll have the rest in the morning.

- Nice girl. - Yeah. She really is.

Too bad about her hands.

Announcer: You’ve tried sanding them off.

- You’ve tried slamming them off. - ( groans )

And mitts only hide the problem.

There’s no way around it, you’ve got extra fingers.

It’s time for Handi-Off.

Only Handi-Off contains Leprosin.

That tingle will tell you it’s working.

Ooh.

In just three days,

unsightly fingers disappear for good.

Hey, Sheila, pick you up at 6?

Let’s make it 5.

Subtract your extra digits with Handi-Off.

And now there’s new Toe-Riffic for toes.

Announcer: You are looking live at Tuskegee Institute

founded by Booker T. Washington in 1882

on this special Super Bowl Edition

ofThe NFL today on CBS.

*

It’sThe NFL Today on CBS.

And now here is your host Brent Musburger!

Good afternoon everybody. ( applause )

And welcome to The NFL Today here on CBS.

You know, two weeks ago, a colleague of ours here on CBS

made some unfortunate comments about black athletes

and black people in general.

And once again, we wanna remind our viewers

that we find those comments reprehensible

and that they no way reflect the attitudes of myself,

Irv Cross, Phyllis George, Jayne Kennedy,

or anyone else who’s ever worked on The NFL Todayon CBS.

All right!

Jimmy the Greek is back with us for a limited,

closely supervised two-week probationary period,

at the end of which time, CBS executives will decide

whether he’ll be kept on The NLF Todayon CBS.

Jimmy, welcome back!

Well, I got to say, I am so glad to be back.

You know, you don’t get too many second chances in life, Brent,

and the good Lord is giving one, and believe me,

- I’m not gonna blow it for CBS, believe me. - All right.

Greek, your thoughts on Super Bowl XXII.

Well, I think it’s important to remember

that this game is being played January 31st

on the eve of black history month.

( laughter )

So it’s fitting that we finally got a black quarterback

starting in the game, Doug Williams of the Redskins.

But wait, there’s a dark cloud hanging over this Super Bowl

because for the 22nd year in a row,

the two head coaches on the field will be Lily White

and that makes me sick!

All right.

A sentiment shared by everyone here at CBS.

Now what about the game, Greek?

What should we be looking for?

Oh, but I see it as a match-up between two gifted quarterbacks.

You’ve got the intelligence and savvy of Doug Williams

versus the sheer, raw, brute animal power of John Elway.

Now I give the edge to Williams and I’ll tell you why.

As a white man, Elway’s been given a free ride all his life.

He’s got those big thighs that go high into his back,

which, by the way,

is something you see in players both black and white

and does not predominate in any particular race,

but it’s genuine.

But getting back to Elway, Brent.

This is just a culmination of centuries of planning.

I mean, back in Ireland, during the middle ages,

- the English would take the big, white Irish guy... - All right.

- and breed him with the big, white Irish... - All right. All right.

That is very interesting, Greek. Very interesting, Greek.

So you’re taking Washington then?

Well, Brent, I couldn’t think of a better way

to kick-off black history month.

Did you know that the first man to die

in the Revolutionary War for American independence

was a black man, Crispus Attucks, Brent?

Now you could look it up.

And how about George Washington Carver?

Every time you eat a peanut butter sandwich,

you owe it to him, Brent.

All right.

All right, we’ve got Doug Williams

standing by live from San Diego.

And Doug, what’s your game plan as you prepare

for this Sunday Night’s Super Bowl Game,

which is going up against 60 Minutes

and Murder She Wrote right here on CBS?

Well, basically, we’re gonna try to contain their pass rush

as best as we can so that I have time to find my receivers.

And there’s that intelligence, Brent.

All right, Greek, any questions for Doug Williams?

Well, first of all, Doug, I wanna say congratulations

and you’ll be playing for all of us.

What do you mean, Jimmy?

Well, as a Greek-American,

I know the kind of racial prejudice

you’ve had to endure, and let’s face it, Doug,

we’ve all got to deal with the man,

blacks and whites alike.

- What? - When he says jump, we all got to jump.

Greek, your question for Doug.

All right, Brent.

Doug, have you ever read the book

Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin?

No, Greek, I’m sorry, I never have.

Oh, well, then my question really wouldn’t make much sense.

So good luck in the game, Doug!

- Uh, thanks, Greek. - All right.

But you ought to get that book, Doug, it knocked me out.

I’ll send you my copy.

- All right. - Yeah, thanks.

Thank you, Doug.

And we’ll be right back to mark a special milestone

right here on The NFL Today.

Our own Irv Cross’ 158th broadcast

when The NFL Todaycontinues here on CBS.

Announcer: King Cobra Malt Liquor presentsYou Make The Call.

Trailing 27-21 in the fourth quarter

with time running out,

Oakland quarterback Ken Stabler throws to Dave Casper

for a 12-yard game.

Apparently, ignoring Cliff Branch,

who stands alone across the field.

Did Stabler not see his wide open black receiver

or is he a racist?

You make the call.

The answer, after this word

from King Cobra, premium malt liquor.

- Man: Black man. - Don’t let the smooth taste fool you.

* King Cobra *

Upon further examination, it appears impossible

that Stabler could not have seen

his wide open black teammate.

If you said Stabler was a racist,

you made the right call.

( laughter )

All right, we’re back, and Greek is here to--

- Greek. - Oh, excuse me, Brent.

I’m just enjoying this peanut butter sandwich,

would you care for some?

- No, thanks. No, no. - Well, it’s really delicious and healthy, too,

- all thanks to George Washington Carver. - All right.

Greek, six weeks ago,

you told me you had some inside information on the Raiders

that you were saving for the end of the season.

Brent, I’m not so sure you wanna hear that information.

Oh, come on, Greek. Don’t pull that on me now.

I’ve been telling our viewers the whole weekend about it...

- No, Brent-- - right here.

- Where? - On CBS.

- Oh, okay. - No, but I’m serious.

In light of recent developments, I think we should drop it.

Now why don’t we just go to my Super Bowl pick!

Greek, we’ve got one minute left in the last show of the season

right here on CBS.

Come on, let’s have it.

Brent, do you promise to stand by me

if my information is accurate?

Greek, you got it. All right.

- Let’s get to it. - ( sighs )

Brent, I had lunch with Al Davis six weeks ago

and he told me he was gonna try to fix up Bo Jackson,

that big running back he’s got with Oprah Winfrey!

Now of course, they’d have to agree to it.

But if they do, Brent,

watch out for those Raiders 20 years from now.

- Whoa! - All right.

Greek, I can’t believe you just said that.

No, that’s not all, Brent.

There’s a rumor coming out of the Eagles organization

- about their speedy little receiver Mike Quick. - All right.

He’s dating that girl from Facts of Life,

and brother, she can jump!

I saw an episode when the girl went to France

and there was a mouse in the hotel room

- and, Brent, that girl has a 46-inch vertical leap! - All right, all right.

Now the Eagles may not look like much now but--

( test tone beeps )

All right, that wraps up another season

for The NFL Todayon CBS.

For myself, Brent Musburger, Irv Cross, Will McDonough,

everybody who works here at The NFL Today,

so long...on CBS.

( applause )

*

( cheers )

Announcer: Live from Failing Farmer Auditorium

in Des Moines, Iowa, it’s the...( sighs )

43rd Debate of the 1988 Democratic candidates

for president, brought to you by the 6th grade class

of Council Bluffs Elementary School.

And here’s tonight’s moderator,

Colorado Congresswoman Pat Schroeder.

( applause ) Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I’m Pat Schroeder.

As you know, I was almost a candidate for president myself.

And when I withdrew from the race, I cried.

I would like to apologize

and I’d like to say, as a woman and a Democrat,

I no longer respond to stressful situations that way.

( laughs )

Okay. ( sniffles )

Let’s meet our candidates,

and please hold your applause till the end

out of fairness to Al Gore and Gary Hart

who are unpopular here in Iowa.

( laughter )

Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis.

( applause )

Sen. Paul Simon from Illinois.

Former Arizona Governor Bruce Babbitt.

( laughter )

Missouri Congressman Richard Gephardt.

Sen. Albert Gore Jr. of Tennessee.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson.

And former Colorado Senator Gary Hart.

( cheers and applause )

We’ll begin with you, Sen. Hart.

Well, I’m not going to ask you about you know what.

Know what?

Well, you know.

You mean my new ideas?

No.

You mean my plan to revitalize the economy?

No.

Well, then I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I’m talking about your dalliance with a Miami model,

your implausible response to the disclosure,

your subsequent withdrawal from the race,

and your recent reentry.

I cannot believe you brought that up.

I’ve admitted I made a mistake

and I’m not gonna answer that question!

Well, sorry! ( sobs )

( laughs )

Okay. Yes, All right. ( clears throat )

Now Gov. Dukakis,

your critics are doubting your ability

to translate the Massachusetts Miracle

to the rest of the nation.

When you first came to Iowa,

you suggested that the farmers try growing a different crop

and you cited as an example, Belgian endive.

Mm-hmm.

( laughter )

Do you think that Belgian endive

still is the answer to Iowa’s economy?

Pat, each of us here tonight

is asking for America’s leadership and trust,

allowing us to lead the country.

And I don’t think that you can lead without a vision,

and I have a vision for America.

I see purple mountains over Radicchio.

I see wooded valleys over Arugula.

I see Escarole from sea to shining....

( timer beeps ) sea.

I know I’m running out of time, so let me conclude

that with direction, with purpose,

little oil and vinegar, eggs and feta cheese,

there is nothing we cannot do.

Thank you.

Okay, please hold your applause.

- Thank you. - Sen. Gore, your wife Tipper

has led the fight to censor

offensive rock ’n’ roll lyrics and videos.

At the same time, you have admitted

that while you were in college, you and Tipper smoked pot.

My question to you is,

what on Earth were you listening to

when you were smoking the marijuana?

Uh, Pink Floyd.

I was wondering if I could use the rest of my time to explain

my views on arms control and stronger defense.

I’m sorry, you will have to use your time

to answer the question which is posed.

Okay.

It was Dark Side of the Moon.

And I’ve admitted to smoking pot,

and a lot of people have made the same mistake...

( applause )

and will never, ever do it again.

Oh, sorry. Please, no applause.

- Uh, Reverend--Rev. Jackson. - Yes, Pat?

You’ve advocated huge cuts in defense spending,

I admire that, but won’t that weaken us militarily?

Well, Pat, we have a strong military defense.

We have guided missiles but misguided policies.

We have minesweepers in the Persian Gulf,

but there’s a great need for drug sweepers

in the Gulf of Mexico.

Economically, we must stop the process of merging,

purging and submerging, merging corporations,

purging workers, submerging our economy.

We have in this country welfare and jail care

when we should have workfare and childcare.

Now from the poorhouse to the courthouse,

to the state house to the White House.

If not now, when? If not me, who?

If not-- ( applause )

I’m sorry, Pat, what was that question?

( cheers and applause )

Sen. Simon, why the bow tie?

( laughter )

Oh, Pat, my advisors...

( laughter, applause )

have been begging me for years to get rid of the bow tie...

but with Paul Simon, what you see is what you get

and I’m not about to change my bow tie

to please some media advisor.

And so I wear the bow tie.

And I think that the American people

want a president who’s not afraid to say,

"I am who I am, bow tie and all."

( timer beeps ) Oh, I’m sorry. May I finish?

Yes, go ahead.

So that’s why I wear the bow tie.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

( applause )

Thank you.

Gov. Babbitt, you have said that you would raise taxes

in order to reduce the deficit.

Isn’t that what we heard from Walter Mondale in 1984?

Well, Pat, I think the Americans are ready for some honest talk.

Now who else on this platform will stand up

and say they’re willing to increase taxes

to get a hold of this deficit?

Okay, who here will stand up in favor of universal daycare?

All right, how about for the rights of homosexuals

in the working place, including the military?

( laughter )

All right, a manned mission to Mars,

who will stand up for a manned mission to Mars?

Okay, how about-- ( timer beeps )

Thank you, Governor.

( applause )

Thank you Gov. Babbitt.

And now onto Cong. Richard Gephardt.

Your critics have called your trade bill "protectionist".

How do you respond to that?

Well, Pat, I believe in fair trade,

but I also believe in fair trade.

The bill I’ve sponsored in Congress

will take strong retaliatory measures

- against countries... - ( thinking ) Boy, he is not funky at all.

Take for example South Korea...

( thinking ) One of my hair is out of place,

it’s hanging right over my forehead.

There. Got it.

( thinking ) Oh, yeah. Third row.

She’s a fox and she knows it.

Yeah. You baby. Uh-huh.

The South Koreans would think about is this...

( thinking ) Maybe I shouldn’t be president.

Nah, no, I should.

( laughter )

( thinking ) I think I scored big on the bow tie.

The world has been the same...

( thinking ) I wonder if I’m still in that room

at the Holiday Inn,

or if they switched me to the Ramada.

( thinking ) You’re doing great, if you can just keep

- from crying... - And that’s really what we’re talking about here.

( thinking ) Uh-oh, I’m losing my concentration.

- And that’s all that I ask... - I’m floating up to the ceiling.

And really, in closing,

that’s what I think that you deserve.

Thank you, gentlemen. I’m sorry.

We’re all out of time

because you all have to go on to Davenport

for the next Democratic debate.

I’m Pat Schroeder. I’m honored to be here.

Thank all of you so much for sharing your views.

Good night.

*

Announcer: Now stay tuned for the 38th debate

of the 1988 Republican candidates

from Cap’s Oil Well Arena in Houston, Texas.

*

Thanks for coming over to do me, Damian.

- I hope you can stay a little longer. - Oh, thanks, Helen.

I have to be back in the salon by 3.

Oh, you have time, stick around.

Sherry is gonna be by any minute with her new beau.

She’ll be heartbroken if she misses you.

Okay, I’ll stay.

How can you be so comfortable with those guns?

Oh, I don’t know.

My husband introduced me to firearms

the year before he left.

It seems the more he hated having sex with me,

the more he was afraid someone else would break into the house

- and do it for him. - ( chuckles )

And you actually know how to use them?

Oh, you bet I do.

This is my baby, the magnum.

It has real stopping power.

But the snub nose is better for the purse,

you know, trips to the market,

the golf course, church and so on.

Uh, I don’t know, they scare me.

- I couldn’t own one. - Well, you wouldn’t need to.

Nobody wanna molest you.

You have you ever met my roommate Jason.

( laughs )

Damian.

( sneezes )

( laughter )

So, what’s Sherry’s new boyfriend like?

I don’t know, I’ve never met him.

Really?

Maybe I should leave.

Why do you say that?

Well, I mean, after all, we never met him.

Well, so what?

Well, I--I just wouldn’t wanna make him uncomfortable.

What are you saying?

Because you’re gay?

Oh, listen to me.

Damian, I’ll tell you,

if he’s one of those intolerant macho types,

I’ll throw him out on his can, believe you me.

( car engine revving )

Oh, that must be them.

Look, if you’re uncomfortable, just butch it up a bit

- until you know where he’s coming from, okay? - Okay.

Okay. ( knocks )

Come in!

- ( chuckles ) - Hi, ma.

Damian, hi. What are you doing here?

This is my boyfriend Jim.

Hey, Jim, how’s it going?

Oh, fine, thanks, nice to meet you.

And come here. I want you to meet my mother.

Mom, this is Jim.

Mrs. Waddler[PH], Sherry has told me all about you.

I’m...

Well, come on, let’s sit down. What do you say?

Yeah. Yes.

Well, how about that Super Bowl?

Oh, yeah. You up for the game?

That’s putting it mildly.

( chuckles ) Yeah. I’m pretty funk myself.

I didn’t know you were such a fan, Damian?

Oh, to the core. To the core!

You know, I guess most people are gonna be rooting

- for the Broncos. - Yeah.

But why not, after that beating they took last year, huh?

No kidding.

Me, I’m Redskins all the way, man.

Yeah, oh, sure, me too. Yeah.

Hey, do you think Art Monk’s knee is gonna hold up next year?

Well...

Oh, how the hell should I know.

( laughter )

Hey, hey. Look at this. Check this out.

Oh, God, please don’t!

Mother.

That’s all right, Sherry.

I really shouldn’t handle someone else’s firearms, I mean,

not without their permission, anything.

Well, no, I don’t think that’s the problem, Jim.

Mother, why don’t you just say what’s on your mind?

Well, all I was thinking was--

I just feel that it-- frankly in a way I...

Oh. Oh, look, look. I think I can help.

Obviously, this is a very awkward situation

and it’s going to remain awkward

until its dealt with ultimately and rationally so.

Look, why don’t you just admit that you’re gay?

That’s a lie!

How dare you insult my hairdresser in my own house?

- Oh. no. Come on, mom. - All I said was...

- Get out. Get out! Get out! - No. No. Mother!

- Get out! - No!

( gunshots ) ( screaming )

Mother!

( gunshots )

Stop it!

Mother, you’re not even giving each other a chance!

( sobbing )

( cheers and applause )

I have to get back to work.

- Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. - Oh, Mother.

It looks like mom has gone and blown her top again.

Mother, how could you?

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Jim.

Ever since my husband left me,

I’ve been a jumpy, paranoid old bitch.

I noticed.

I’m so ashamed.

Oh.

Look, Helen, of course I forgive you.

You got to understand something, I’m a black man.

We learned a long time ago

that we can’t let a few million crazy white people

spoil it for the rest of the planet.

- Oh, Jim. - Yeah.

( cheers and applause )

*

Announcer: And now,Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Nah, come on, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news

wearing this thing, did you, huh?

Nah, now way.

Okay, I am--

I’m sure, by now, that you’re all familiar

with the new Broadway show about a tormented madman

who lurks beneath the Paris opera house.

I, myself, am more interested in a new show

about a tormented talk show viewers

who are tortured by a large talkative black woman

five times a week.

It’s called Phantom of the Oprah,

and... ( laughter )

it opens with a national tour this spring.

Come on, now you didn’t think I’d do the whole news

with this thing, did you?

Nah, it’s just a fake scar,

the makeup guy told me I could pull it right off and--

Damn it!

That hurt.

( laughter )

That really hurt.

Acting!

( laughter )

The-- ( applause )

Oh, thank you for kind of liking that.

You know, the Soviet Union has just introduced

two new breakfast cereals

honoring its leader and first lady,

the cereals are to be called Raisa Bran and Gorba Chex,

and they will be on the U.S. market in late summer.

( laughter )

President Reagan will ask Congress

to establish cash awards for inventions,

and the first $10,000 award will go to Admiral John Poindexter

for that Iran story he came up with.

The Israeli government,

looking for a way to ease Palestinian unrest,

is hoping to open the Gaza Strip to casino gambling.

Moe Green, head of the Israeli Gaming Commission,

said, "Licensed gambling will bring jobs, revenue,

and big-name entertainment to the strip."

Green went on to say, "If you are going to visit

the Gaza Strip, bring a riot shield

and your Visa Card because they don’t take prisoners,

and they don’t take American Express."

Two brothers from New--

Two brothers from New Jersey were kept from reporting

a 1982 UFO encounter until yesterday

for fear that no one would believe them.

They told reporters that they were beamed

from inside their car to a sphere-shaped spacecraft.

Once inside, they were probed with space needles,

and forced to have sex with a woman

that they can now positively identify as Jessica Hahn.

( laughter )

And now with a sociological introspective,

here is news correspondent Victoria Jackson.

- Hi, Victoria. - Hi, Dennis.

Thank you.

The Life of a Table by Victoria Jackson.

Okay.

Wait one minute.

"The life of a table is not grand.

You place things on me you wouldn’t hold in your hand,

cold, hot, and wet things, smelly things and more.

I’m a useful convenience whose life is a bore.

I’ve got four legs.

There’s places I wanna go, but I’m stiff as a board

so I travel too slow.

The life of a table is not so great,

but I must say, I’ve never known another life,

so I guess mine is okay."

Okay.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

( chuckles )

Thank you, Victoria. Thank you.

You know, if we were married, I’d never leave the apartment.

( laughter )

Well, tomorrow at Super Bowl XXII,

and if you’re asking me for a prediction,

I believe that Webster and Gary Coleman

will marry the Lander sisters

and tour the country as a bizarre trapeze act.

Disaster struck at New York harbor this week

when a disabled supertanker spilled 10 million gallons

of Yoo Hoo chocolate drink into the Hudson River.

Scientists are unable to predict what the effect

the spill will have on the local ecology

since no one is really quite sure

what Yoo Hoo is made of.

Here’s an update on that Amtrak accident this week.

Amtrak officials, this time, are blaming a disgruntled employee

who, evidently, painted the opening of a tunnel

on the side of a mountain.

( laughter )

The accused switchman, one William M. Coyote,

is still missing.

( applause ) And now--

And now here to set sail on the boundless ocean of ignorance

and a lifeboat of oversimplification,

is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture.

Hello, Whitney. Thank you, Dennis.

( applause )

Well, this week, The Big Picture is a bullet-packed fresco

on a prison wall in Jerusalem.

Arab against Jew is nothing new, I know, but this time, at least,

the Jews have the rules of the playground on their side.

Scissors beat paper, rocks beat scissors,

tanks beat rocks.

And the Palestinians are as pissed off

as pyromaniacs in a petrified forest.

So they’re throwing rocks.

Now the Israelis can break hands all day long

but there’s always gonna be more pitchers

in the Palestinian bullpen.

I know, here in America,

we’re supposed to be on the side of the Israelis,

because, well, they owe us money.

But if they claim to be a free country,

they ought to act like one.

You know, use fire hoses and dogs like we did in Alabama.

I understand Israel’s in a tough situation.

They’re surrounded by sworn enemies,

in fear of their lives,

and as paranoid as pole-watchers in Haiti.

Their country is smaller than Long Island

and it has a lower percentage of Jews as well.

( laughter )

But this racial hatred between Jews and Arabs

seems a little confusing

because they don’t seem all that different

to the rest of the world.

If it wasn’t for the Jews being right all the time,

I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.

( laughter )

On the other hand, I can see why Palestinians would have a beef.

A bad attitude comes easy to a man

who lives in a refugee camp in his own country.

You know, this whole racism thing is almost sad,

in a way, sort of, when you think about it.

But the Israelis say this breaking of bones

is nothing personal against Palestinians in general,

it’s just an example of what they could do

if they didn’t like them.

They also say if somebody has a better idea

or a better solution, they--

unless they have a better solution, they shouldn’t judge.

So let me just throw this out.

Crucifixion.

I mean, if you really wanna set an example,

it is something that people really remember.

( laughter )

And that, my friends, is a helpful suggestion

from the mighty montage of history

that makes up The Big Picture.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you.

Columbia Records made marketing history this week

when it released George Michaels’

latest album "Faith" on digital I.U.D.

Amid reports this week that he’ll wed

debutante Cornelia Guest, Sylvester Stallone announced

that he plans to begin a new film project in February,

autobiographical look at his first two marriages.

The film, to be entitled Rocky,

is set for release later this year.

Sarah Ferguson is pregnant and will give birth this August.

London bookies say that the best bet

is that the child will be named either George or Elizabeth,

and give 3 to 1 odds on those two names.

The long shots are Schlomo and Yetta.

( laughter )

And in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania this Tuesday,

composer Andrew Lloyd Weber will come out of his hole,

see his shadow, crawl back into his hole,

and we won’t have to hear from him for another year.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news, and I am out of here.

( cheers and applause )

*

*

Announcer: And now we bring you another page from the diary

of the world’s greatest actor Master Thespian.

( applause )

Dear diary, today, I begin rehearsal for the play Othello.

I should be overjoyed, but cruel fate has relegated me

to the role of Iago.

Alas, a royal Shakespeare committee

has bestowed the title role

upon the great Chinese actor, Ching Wah!

Imagine.

Passing me up for the 5’2", 70 year-old Chinese man.

It’s almost an insult.

Nevertheless, I await his arrival.

Until tomorrow, Master Thespian.

( knocks ) Enter.

Is this the home of Master Thespian?

Yes.

And are you he?

Yes.

I am the one they call Ching Wah.

What? You’re Ching Wah?

I thought you were Chinese.

Makeup.

( laughter )

But how do you account for your height?

- Acting! - Genius!

- Thank you! - Thank you!

Ho-ho. You’re Ching Wah.

Imagine, I heard you were a 70-year-old Chinese man.

I am. I get plenty of rest and avoids the fried food.

Oh, me. He’s the greatest actor I’ve ever seen.

But with him playing Othello and me playing Iago,

who will notice me?

I’ll be blown off this stage!

Whoever are you speaking to?

Uh, my agent.

But there’s no one there.

No wonder I’m not getting any work.

( laughter )

Thespian, shall we run the lines?

Yes, yes. Let me get my scripts?

Don’t you have your lines memorized?

And I supposed you do?

Observe, Thespian.

It is the cause, it is the cause,

yet I’ll not shed her blood,

nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow,

and smooth as monumental alabaster.

Yet she must die!

- ( sobbing ) - Oh, oh, the lines are genius.

Oh, I’ve got to do something or I’ll be ruined.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, Ching Wah, your performance was perfect.

- Absolutely perfect. - Thank you.

Nobody would ever believe you’re a 70-year-old Chinese man.

- But that is the point. - Oh.

- Is that what they teach you in China? - Yes, Thespian.

Is there something wrong with that?

No, no.

Not unless you wish to be...anonymous forever,

for how is Ching Wah to become famous

when he looks like Othello, sounds like Othello,

and acts like Othello?

But won’t they recognize the greatness of my work?

Yes, but they won’t recognize you.

Ooh. Thespian, perhaps you are right.

Please tell me what to do.

- No, no, I couldn’t. - Oh, please.

Please, Thespian, I’m begging you.

- Thespian, I am begging you, please. - No, it’s not my place.

- Anyway, if you wish to become famous... - Yes.

there are three things you must remember.

Now the first thing is, line.

I’m too subtle.

You’re too subtle.

Really?

Oh, Thespian, I always thought less was more.

Don’t be silly. Othello is them all!

- Brilliant! - Thank you!

Now the second thing to remember is you must be yourself.

But I am playing the more.

And the more you play, the better you feel.

Beans, beans, for every meal.

I must eat beans?

- And be yourself. - Aha.

Thespian, I think I see what you mean.

But give me a moment.

( glass shatters )

Desdemona, wake up,

it is your husband Othello the Moor.

Better known as great Chinese actor Chang Wah!

- Well, Thespian, what you think? - Perfect.

No one will ever mistake you for Othello now.

- Thank you. - What happened to your hand?

- Nothing. - Oh, you fooled me!

- Acting! - Genius.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I keep hair mustache, it will make me look a little younger.

- Oh, indubitably, yes. - Small vanity.

Yes. Well, come Ching Wah, we’re off to the theater.

Oh. By the way Thespian, what is third thing to remember?

The third thing was-- Oh, yes.

Always remember, Iago is the lead.

- Billion! - Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Come, Ching Wah. - Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

*

( birds chirping )

Let me tell you something,

when I took over that building, it was a beauty shop,

strictly rented as a beauty shop.

Now I want her out of here or I want a rent increase.

I have had it up to here with her.

I want her out!

It’s a legal matter now.

I own that building. I own that space!

I have been in my shop for 22 years

and no one has ever questioned my work.

My husband, Gleason, rest his soul.

Jackie Gleason, he died.

- What a sad thing. - No. No, Marie, not Jackie Gleason.

Gleason my husband who died.

Oh.

He was hit by a truck.

It was a tragedy for both of us.

Well, I brought him in and I gave it some thought,

and I decided I would utilize one of my crafts,

the art of decoupage.

Decoupage, you know, it’s a French craft.

I pieced them back together in a very Picassoesque fashion,

they were very elegant

and I did a collage type of thing, like a match books

and I made newspaper clippings and I put them altogether,

little pieces that meant something to both of us.

And the finished product was so stunning, I--

It’s just too bad I couldn’t have framed it.

After Gleason, there was Vye[PH]

She died under the dryer.

It was three hours before we knew.

We thought she was turning the pages of her magazine

but it was just the fan blowing them.

Vye, had indeed expired.

She had had complete makeup application.

She had her hair permed and tinted.

She had her nails done, a pedicure.

There was no question she was ready to meet her maker.

See what I mean? ( indistinct conversation )

She is sick. And she’s doing sick things.

She’s got two businesses over there.

This is the entrance way to the chapel service area.

We like to think of it as the heavenly pathway

to the mysterious hereafter.

Very expensive to clean.

She’s... ( indistinct conversation )

I don’t know.

What about Carol’s dog?

She dress the dog.

She didn’t even like the dog.

Vick and Carol came to me grieving,

their little dog, a Chihuahua, Peanut, died of obesity.

Well, I felt very badly for them.

I knew that Peanut was their king

and now their kind was dead.

Well, I found they needed a funeral outfit,

they were the catholic persuasion.

You’re finished, darling.

And I dressed him in it.

It’s was quite snug, he was very obese.

And I must say, looking at him on his throne,

with his red cape and crown and scepter,

well, he-- he looked like a prince.

It was quite a pageant.

And when Vick and Carol walked into the shop

and they viewed their Peanut,

they burst forth in their grief and joys.

Then Ms. Carol said, "And she kissed us the step."

I’ll never forget it.

I’ve got people who are interested

in turning this place into a pasta house.

I do.

Whether I stay or go, my work will go on.

We talk, we drink our coffee, we eat our Fannie May.

We love each other, I guess.

We have an understanding.

There is beauty and there was death.

And even in death, there was beauty.

It’s simple.

( footsteps )

( applause )

*

Well, thank you very much.

Thank you for coming. We had a great time.

Robbie Robertson was hot. ( cheers and applause )

And everybody at Saturday Night Livewas live!

*