Original subtitles

- How does that look, Peter? - A little higher, Matthew.

A little higher.

There, there.

Boy, I can’t wait to see his face when he walks in.

Yeah. When is he arriving?

Well, John took him to a leopard cave on the pretext

that some whores were being stoned by,

I don’t know, some Pharisees or something like that.

- Yeah, right. - ( laughs )

Yeah, so anyway, John is trying to time it

- so they’re back here by sunset. - Great.

Jesus is not going to like this, you know?

He hates being the center of the attention.

Boy, is he in the wrong business?

I mean, this kind of attention, Thomas.

Well, the big three-O.

You think it’s gonna faze Jesus?

No, not him. You kidding? He’s in great shape.

Well, that’s ’cause he walks all the time, you know.

Oh, but I mean, he could eat anything and it doesn’t show.

Somehow, it burns it up.

By walking, the guy is a walker.

That’s why I got him a sandal repair kit.

Hey, Judas. What’d you get him?

I got him a piece of silver.

I figure he can get whatever he wants, you know.

You know, it’s got to be tough deciding what to get for him.

- His birthday is so close to Hanukkah. - Yeah.

( laughter )

Hey, what did you get him, Simon?

I wrote a birthday song for him

and I thought we all could learn it and sing it to him.

- It’s a-- - Oh, great, great as long as it sings his praises.

It does.

* Oh, happy birthday *

All: * Happy, happy birthday *

* Oh, happy birthday-- *

Oh, look it’s Mary Magdalene with the cake!

- Oh, yeah. - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Wow! - Look at this, huh?

- Look at that think. - Yeah!

How could you afford such a cake, Mary Magdalene?

Well, the baker gave it to me, of course.

Oh, really? The baker just gave it to you?

- Yes! - Yeah, he gave you the cake?

All right, all right, all right, you wanted a cake,

I brought a cake, so stone me.

Hey. Come on, this is Jesus’ birthday.

How about some wine everybody?

Yeah.

- It sounds good. - Hey, where is the wine?

That’s not wine.

- Judas, you’re supposed to bring the wine. - Yeah.

Well, I just filled up the jugs with water.

- I figured, you know, he could-- - Oh!

I don’t believe that! I don’t believe it!

He shouldn’t even have to think about things like that

- on this day. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You want me to get the wine?

I could, you know. Think about it.

Hey, hey, here comes John!

- Oh. - Okay. Hide everybody.

- Hide, hide like the wind. - ( shushes )

Okay. ( indistinct murmuring )

- John, where is Jesus? - He’s not coming.

- What? - Not coming?

Why not?

Somebody told him.

Oh, who told him?

- Judas! - Judas!

- Judas. - I knew it.

I didn’t know it was supposed to be a surprise, honest.

I didn’t know. Hey, come on, you guys.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Wait a minute! Leave him alone.

Live from New York. It’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon,

Musical guest, Linda Ronstadt with the Mariachi Vargas...

and featuring A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring, Paul Simon.

Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon.

( cheers and applause )

This is--

Oh, thank you.

You know, this is very embarrassing

and I was sure that they meant me.

( laughter )

I just assumed they wanted me, Paul Simon, the Senator!

Well, it’s a comedy show and it’s a music show,

so it’s got to be me.

I mean who else?

I guess--I just wish somebody had told me earlier.

I’ve been rehearsing since Thursday here.

( laughter )

It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in the shuffle.

I understand, like New Hampshire.

Well, it’s just one of those things

that could happen to anybody named Paul Simon.

You wouldn’t believe how many times this has happened to me.

( laughter ) And to me,

I remember one time I showed up with my guitar

at a Democratic Women’s luncheon in Audubon, Iowa.

And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden?

( cheers and applause )

I’m up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen.

I know, and you know, actually, I thought

that you were very clearly a winner on that debate.

Oh, I thank you, Paul. I thank you.

But look--I mean, look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you,

as they say, you know, kick back and relax,

and just enjoy the show?

Well, I’d love to.

I got to get up early tomorrow,

you know, to run for president.

( laughter )

I understand.

I just feel so bad that you’ve come all this way and--

Well, I do, too, frankly.

I was supposed to be in Sioux Falls,

- South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner. - Oh, my gosh.

My gosh--you know, this is a live show.

And something could happen to me,

and then they would-- you could be right there.

You’ll be like the other Paul Simon and right there.

( laughter )

- Sort of A Heartbeat Away? - Yeah.

- Yeah, it certainly sounds it. - Yeah. Yeah.

We’ve got a great show tonight,

with my good friend Linda Ronstadt, so stick around.

( cheers and applause )

Announcer: Not all trapdoors are created equally.

Jerry, I was just looking over your financial report,

and there are some very strange entries.

- I thought they might... - Some trapdoors don’t respond fast enough.

For instance, what is this Bahamas thing?

( laughter ) How about this weekend?

Others don’t spring open cleanly.

Jerry, I know about you and my wife.

Hey, what’s going on?

What do you--Hey! Hey!

( screams )

Some aren’t even structurally sound to begin with.

Mr. Crudders, I have this--

And some are totally unpredictable.

Excellent price on these items.

Whoa!

But with Wilson Trapdoors,

you get perfect droppage time after time.

Thanks to a patented dual firing mechanism.

- Fantastic, and it’s guaranteed? - Absolutely guaranteed.

Mr. Crudders, I’d like to ask you to come downtown

and answer a few questions.

( screams )

Wilson Trapdoors,

because with Wilson, it’s out of sight.

( cheers and applause )

*

Announcer: Good evening and welcome again

toPumping Up with Hans & Franz,

the informative training program

for the serious weightlifter.

( indistinct chatter )

- All right, welcome. We’re back. - We’re back.

Once again, I am Hans.

Thank you.

- And I am Franz and we want to pump you up. - To pump you up.

- All right. - Okay, now this is our special Christmas show, you know.

So we’re gonna loosen up and have a little fun.

That’s right, huh, Franzy.

All right, enough fun, you know.

We don’t wanna have too much fun

’cause, you know, pumping the muscle

is not all fun and games.

No, it’s not. That’s right, Hans.

And believe me, you know,

if you do not want to let the fun go,

then maybe you need to be disciplined.

Yeah, you know, we can easy ride you like a sled

- through the night if that’s what it takes. - Yeah.

Hear me now and believe me later.

It will be a silent and a holy night of terror

- for you lazy pigs. - That’s right.

Okay, Franz, enough talk, back to the program.

- We just want to pump you up. - Pump you up.

- All right, okay. - Okay, right now in the program,

we’d like to show you some basic exercises to correct injuries.

Yeah, you know, a lot of people slip on the ice

and hurt their backs,

maybe break a couple of legs, you know.

They use it as an excuse not to workout, you know.

We say, "Don’t be a baby."

Yeah, yeah, you know, if you’re gonna be a baby,

you might as well live in a crib and spit up

and poop in your diapers,

you know, because that’s what babies do.

That’s right. All right.

Now here’s a typical injured person

we want to show you now.

Okay, injured person, tell the people your name, person.

Scott Razbiki, Providence, Rhode Island.

Yeah, okay, Scott, what are your injuries?

Well, my car skid in on the ice and I broke--

almost broke the second and third vertebrae

and my neck came this close to actually severing them.

So if it’d come any further--

All right, all right, we’ve got the picture.

Okay, first thing you should do--

We got that now.

First thing you should do is just try

to walk it off right now, just walk it off.

Yeah, walk it off.

First, let’s get rid of the crutches.

- Yeah, get rid of the crutches. - No, you don’t need that.

You know, they look like the side of a baby crib

but it’s not a coincidence,

- believe me. - No.

Okay, now we must first go for the stretch so, you know,

- you don’t reinjure yourself, you know. - That’s right.

Franz will demonstrate the back-to-back method

we developed at Heidelberg.

- No, Dusseldorf. - You know, whatever.

- You know, we’re not geographers up here. - That’s right.

- We just want to pump you up. - You up.

Okay, now here we go Scotty with a basic back-to-back stretch.

- It’s very easy. - ( groaning )

That’s good. Okay.

- For those of you watching in the hospitals... - My neck.

- you know, get off your fat lazy butts and take some notes. - My neck.

- Yeah. Yeah. How does it feel, Scotty? - It’s very painful.

Yeah. That’s good. No pain, no gain.

- ( groaning ) - That’s right.

My doctor said not to, in any way...

- Yeah, yeah. - bounce around or move my neck.

- Your doctor. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, your doctor.

Okay, listen, Mr. Baby Doctor,

maybe we should make a little house call for you.

Yeah, yeah. Let me tell you.

- Here’s my prescription for you, Mr. Doctor. - Yeah, that’s right.

Take two of these every five minutes.

Yeah, believe me now and face up to it later.

You’re jealous ’cause you’ll never look like this.

( laughter )

- Atta boy, Scotty, walk it off. - That’s how it works, Scotty. Walk it off.

- That’s good, Scotty. - Yeah.

All right, at this time of the program,

- we like to bring out Helmet, a typical person. - Yeah.

You know, we’ve been charting the progress for Helmet

for about three weeks.

Say hello, Helmet.

Hello, I’m Helmet.

All right, turn around, Helmet,

so we can show to people the progress in the body muscle.

Yeah, now look, three weeks ago, his buttocks

was like two Jell-O molds, you know.

Now like today it’s like a little bundt cake.

That’s right, you know.

Yeah, you know, you could put some icing on it.

You’d have a nice dessert for four, believe me.

Yeah, all right. Now turn around, Helmet.

- We’ll check the progress of your pectorals, you see? - That’s right.

You know, last time we could have sat on a stool

and milk him like a cow, but we held back.

Yeah, and now today, we see that his pectorals

- are developing nicely, except just on one side. - That’s right, Helmet.

You must work the muscle evenly, you know.

Now you’re like half man, half cow.

Yeah. ( laughter )

We don’t know whether to milk you or to pummel you.

That’s right.

You know, if you look anything like Helmet at home, you know,

obviously, you need more than pummeling, you know.

Maybe we should tie your flabby pectoral muscles together

like a Christmas bow

and put you under the tree as a gift, you know.

Believe me now, my friend, no one would open you.

Yeah, yeah.

No one would and they will not even return you.

- That’s right. - Listen to me now or listen to me later,

but believe this, you know, we have a good mind

to take a string of Christmas lights

and just run them through your legs

like a piece of dental floss, you know.

Yeah, then see how big a cause it is to walk.

- Okay, Hans, okay. I’ll see that our time is up. - Yeah, that’s too bad.

It was a fun Christmas show for us.

You know, once again, I am Hans.

- And I am Franz and we’ll be back next week to pump you up. - To pump you up.

( cheers and applause )

Announcer: This has been Pumping Up with Hans & Franz.

*

Announcer: And now, we bring you another page from the diary

of the world’s greatest actor, Master Thespian.

( applause )

Dear Diary,

I had just returned from a triumphant tour

of Macbeth, and no soon I walked in the door

when the phone began ringing madly off the hook.

Who should it be

but the great impresario of the theater, R.H. Macy,

begging me to play the most challenging role he had to offer

that of the great St. Nicholas.

Having no time to prepare for the role,

I look upon it as the greatest challenge of my career

and so until tomorrow.

( toilet flushes )

Master Thespian!

How dare you invade my dressing room?

Get out, get out!

Well, are we ready, Mr. Thespian?

Please, call me Master.

Oh, aren’t we picky?

Come, let’s go. The children are waiting.

Well, couldn’t they come in here?

The acoustics are superb!

What’s the matter, Thespian?

- Having a sudden fit of stage fright? - Don’t be silly.

I’m capable of playing any role even with half the finger.

Oh, how did that happen?

It didn’t, acting!

Oh!

( applause )

Is it real?

Oh, yes. Pull it.

( farts )

( laughter )

( grunts ) How did you do that?

- Acting! - Brilliant!

- Thank you. Now let’s hurry, please. - Why?

- Trust me. - No.

*

We’ve been here since 9:00 this morning.

I think I’m more excited than David is.

- Me too. - All right, children,

the moment you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived.

Hope you’ve all been good.

Well, I like you too.

And now, Macy’s is proud to present Santa Claus.

( children cheers )

Ho, ho, ho!

Oh.

- Hi, Santa Claus. - Hello.

Line!

What’s your name, little boy?

Uh, yes, very well. What is your name, little boy?

- David. - Line.

There aren’t any lines, you fool.

You’re Santa Claus. You have to improvise.

Oh, improvisation, very well.

Uh, what brings you here, child?

Santa, can I have a bicycle for Christmas.

A bicycle?

Well, why are you asking me? I don’t even know you.

- Did you buy me anything? - No.

Well, then. How old are you?

- 5. - 5.

Well, you are incredibly immature.

When I was five, I’d already played my first Hamlet,

my second Othello, and mastered the cello to boot.

Now get off my lap!

You are a horrible man.

All he wanted was a bicycle.

How dare you teach this child to beg.

Have you no shame? Ho, ho, ho!

( applause )

Oh, improvisio,no!

To show freedom invigorates my very soul.

Now you listen to me.

Don’t you know who Santa Claus is?

He likes children and he gives them whatever they want!

- He likes children? - Yes!

Oh, now you tell me.

And you call yourself a director.

- I never said I was. - Even if you don’t? Next!

Hi, Santa Claus.

Hello, my child.

My, my, you have the face of an angel.

You’re so beautiful. What is your name?

- Gina. - Gina.

And what would you like for Christmas, my dear?

I want a Julie doll.

A Julie doll.

Well, you can have as many as you like.

Might I direct you to aisle D, the third shelf on the left

and take as many as you want,

compliments of Macy’s and Santa Claus,

the bearded wonder of the North Pole.

That’s it!

You’re fired, get out of here!

Firing Santa Claus?

Cutting Kris Kringle!

Ho, ho,

ho.

My heart just failed.

Farewell, Donner and Blitzen.

Farewell.

Well, beauty is multitudes of youth who stand before me.

The jolly fat man lives no more.

And why, why?

Because he killed me, the manager!

Hold the manager!

The man--

( groaning )

Okay. ( applause )

Okay, you get up.

Get out of here, get out!

You killed Santa Claus.

- Save him! - Yeah, save him!

( indistinct shouting )

Oh, all right! I’ll save him.

No need to. I was really acting!

( children cheers )

Would you care for some Shakespeare?

( children cheers )

O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.

( applause )

*

Announcer: And now,Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

Gary Hart’s announcement that he’s reentering

the presidential race sparked these related developments:

Entrepreneur John DeLorean said

he’d like to manage General Motors

and Austrian President Kurt Waldheim said

he hopes to once again head up the United Nations.

Well, I’m not sure what the ramifications are

of Hart’s reentry into the race

and of what they are for the country.

I have locked my fiancée in a room

and she’s not getting out till the elections over.

( laughter )

Why is it that whenever I do a Gary Hart’s story,

I get the urge to preface it with "This just in"?

( laughter )

( laughs )

That’s why.

Oh, and Gary Hart announced today

was reentering the presidential race this week.

He said, "I have no money and no campaign staff.

I’m going to let the people decide."

On the heels of that announcement,

Sen. Joe Biden made the stunning revelation

that he, too, will be getting back in the race.

Biden said, "I have no money and no campaign staff.

I’m going to let the people decide."

( applause )

When Gary Hart reentered the race this week,

he said it was up to the people to decide on his candidacy.

Well, we got hold of the people and they’re here right now.

People, what do you think?

People: He’s crazy!

Well, thank you, people.

But we want you, Dennis.

Well, thanks again.

There you have it, the people have spoken.

( applause )

The Washington Posthas learned

that high-ranking officials at the North Pole

have been selling surplus G.I. Joe action figures

and accessories to children in Iran

and then diverting the profits from the sale

to send Rambo dolls to children in Nicaragua.

In an official statement,

Santa Claus said he couldn’t remember

if he had okayed the deal or not.

After reading a New York Timesarticle

about Mafia members’ preference for tough nicknames,"

Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev insisted this week

that he henceforth be called Big Mike.

( laughter )

Big week of changes for financial wizard Ivan Boesky

who went from Wall Street to Wall World,

where he’ll no longer be Ivan the Terrible

but Ivan the Vulnerable.

And now I’m sure this sounds a little depressing

around the holidays, but it’s tough to feel sorry

for a man who got ordered out of the stock market

in late September.

You know, you may not want to look

at this next piece of footage.

It’s definitely of a shocking and disturbing nature,

but it was made available to us

and we feel it’s our responsibility to show it.

Roll the tape, please.

Oh, yeah.

Now this is a song that might

You’re very rude.

I was talking to him and yet-- here!

I’ll have to ask you not to be so impertinent.

Now--here--well--

Well, if you want to fool around,

try and follow me!

( indistinct shouting )

I got everybody crazy!

( laughter )

( applause )

You know, we probably shouldn’t have shown that.

I apologize.

An internal White House memo uncovered this week

shows that Vice President George Bush

had supported President Reagan’s decision to sell arms to Iran.

When pressed for comment, Bush replied, "In my family,

loyalty was never considered a character flaw."

Obviously, neither was selling guns to the terrorists.

Former White House staffer

and presidential adviser Michael Deaver this week

was found guilty of three counts of perjury.

When the judge told him he was guilty of the three counts,

Deaver said, "Really?"

And the judge said, "No, four counts. I was just lying."

As if he hadn’t created enough controversy,

Arizona Governor Evan Mecham this week angered Jews

by announcing that the United States

is a great Christian nation

and Jesus Christ is "Lord of the land."

In the last year, Mecham has also angered blacks,

Hispanics, women, and homosexuals

with his bigoted remarks,

"You know, if it was any other state than Arizona,

I’d be a little worried, but you know what they say folks,

"Phoenix will arise from the ashes."

It was reported by the New York Postthis week

that the Ayatollah Khomeini had gone into a coma.

He has since-- ( laughter )

He has since recuperated and he will soon be going home

to his town of Qom, we hope.

( laughter )

You know, I, for one, am glad

to welcome Gary Hart back into the race.

I never thought he committed that heinous sin to begin with.

I have often thought there were certain women in the world

that I’d sleep with and risk losing the presidency for.

Donna, baby, I just never thought you were one of them.

Let’s put it this way.

If you’re the last woman I see on my way out of Hula Hands,

I’m still gonna end up buying a copy of Swank

later that night.

( laughter, applause ) I think, uh--

I think Gary Hart is an okay guy,

certainly no better or worse than the rest of them.

Nice to have you back, Gary. Give them hell.

Now here with an opposing viewpoint is me.

Yeah. Well, thank you again. Thank you again.

Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

So Gary Hart wants back in the race.

Yeah. Right, back, yeah.

This guy sleeps with every dame on the planet.

I’m supposed to forgive and forget.

What am I, Mother Theresa over here?

( laughter, applause )

Yeah, why don’t we just go all the way

and nominate Lorenzo Llamas for the presidency?

Now I guess that’s impossible,

wouldn’t want to leave that huge gap on Falcon Crest.

( laughter )

I just don’t know how stable this heart cat is, you know.

I hate to think we got into World War 3

’cause this guy saw a cute chick in the Kremlin.

( laughter )

I don’t know about you folks, but I don’t want a president

who’s got one finger on the button,

and the other finger on the button.

( laughter, applause )

So I guess what it all comes down to

is do we want two stiff presidents in a row?

I don’t think so, but guess what,

that’s the comment and I am out of here.

( applause )

Sorry, bro.

Thank you, baby.

Thank you, baby. Thank you.

Yeah.

( makes sound )

( cheers )

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Dennis.

( laughter )

God, do I hate myself, you know.

To help raise money for his campaign,

Gary Hart, this week, had to take on a new part-time job.

He’s working as a Santa Claus at Macy’s Department Store.

He knows if you’ve been naughty or even incredibly naughty.

Thousands of holiday tourists gathered in New York this week

for the annual lighting of the Don King’s hairdo.

( laughter, applause )

And tonight at 2 a.m.,

don’t forget to set your clocks ahead one hour,

and most importantly,

don’t forget to set them back one hour right after that.

Hey, guess what, that’s the news everybody.

Have a nice Christmas. ( cheers and applause )

*

Excuse me!

I’m a disabled Vietnam vet.

I haven’t been drinking or drugging in over six years.

I have a wife and two small children.

I need to feed them and get the kids something for Christmas.

When I got back from Vietnam, I had a lot of personal problems

and I’m just beginning to deal with them.

I’m deeply ashamed about what I’m doing,

but I have to do it in order to survive.

Thank you and God bless you.

Thank you, sir, and God bless you.

Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but a quarter, dime, a penny,

whatever you can see fit to give me, man.

Did you serve in Vietnam, sir?

Here, okay.

God bless you and have a nice day.

God bless you and have a nice day.

- ( clears throat ) - Ma’am, I got two children whose hearts will be broken

if Santa doesn’t come again this year.

If you only knew how that look in their eyes

could rip your soul apart.

All right.

Here’s a dollar, here’s a dollar.

God bless you and have a nice day.

God bless you and have a nice day.

God bless you and have a nice day.

( sighs ) Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention, please?

My name is Bill Tony and I’m not really a Vietnam vet.

I’m a young actor from the Bleecker Street Players

and we’re mounting a play entitled "Tears and Napalm,"

a moving examination of the inner working

how Vietnam vets coming to grips with their war experience.

As you know, it’s expensive

to mount a production here in New York

so if you were at all moved by my performance,

please give so that we can continue our important work.

Thank you very much.

God bless you and have a nice day.

That was great, you really had me fooled.

- Good stuff. - Thank you. God bless you.

- You’re really a good actor. - Thank you.

You know, I’m interested in taking some acting lessons.

Do you know of any good workshops?

Well, sure. We got one down at the Bleecker, you know.

In fact, they’re looking for people, so just give us a call.

- It’s listed. - Thanks.

God bless you and have a nice day.

- Sir? - No.

God bless you anyway, sir.

God bless you.

Excuse me. ( sobbing )

Can I have your attention one last time, please?

I’m not an actor.

There’re no Bleecker Street Players.

There’s no play about Vietnam.

I’m a psychotic!

I’ve been mentally ill since I was 13 years old

when I was first institutionalized,

and now because of government cutbacks,

I’m forced to live on the streets.

If you could just give me enough cab fare to get to Bellevue

so I can get my medication, I’d really appreciate it.

I’m not violent. I’m just a little crazy.

Please. I’m not violent.

God bless you. I’m not violent.

God bless you. Have a nice day.

I’m just a little crazy.

All right, this is a stickup!

( screams )

I’m not a psychotic,

but I’m a very desperate man with a gun.

Give me the wallet, buddy.

Come on, let’s go.

( cheers and applause )

Good evening and welcome to Succinctly Speaking.

I’m Kathleen Fulmer.

Our guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein.

( grunts )

All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you.

- Fire. - Fire good.

Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Fire good.

All right. Frankenstein?

( growls ) Fire bad!

Okay, we have a difference of opinion,

and I think that’s what makes our forum work,

the give and take.

Don’t you think?

Okay, let’s move on, shall we?

Bread.

- ( growls ) - Tonto.

- Bread good! - Hold on.

Hold on, Frankenstein, we’ll get to you.

- ( growls ) - ( clears throat )

- Tonto? - Bread good, Kemo Sabe.

Mm-hmm. Tarzan.

Bread good.

- All right. - I no eat bread.

Good.

Frankenstein?

Bread, good!

All right.

Now before we move on, let’s talk about something

that is in the news very much these days, the I.N.F. Treaty.

( laughter ) Tarzan?

Tarzan like treaty.

Make world safer for Tarzan and Boy.

All right. There’s a strong endorsement.

Tonto?

Mm, me no trust treaty, Kemo Sabe.

All right. Frankenstein?

Fire bad!

Okay, but what about the I.N.F. Treaty?

( growls )

Excuse me, Ms. Fulmer.

- Frankenstein not understand question. - Oh, I’m sorry.

The I.N.F. Treaty, it outlaws medium-range nuclear,

excuse me, nuclear missiles,

at least that in a European theater.

( growls )

( chuckling ) Fire bad!

( laughter )

Thank you. ( clears throat )

Well, that’s all the time we have.

Join us next week when we’ll be talking

with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.

( laughter )

- Thank you. - ( growls )

Fire-- ( laughter )

Fire bad!

Frankenstein fear fire, not understand booking.

( growls )

Line between fantasy and reality blurry for Frankenstein.

( clears throat )

( grunting ) Fire bad!

Good night. ( cheers and applause )

Good evening. I’m Jon Lovitz.

I’m a cast member of Saturday Night Live.

You know, some of the old Saturday Night Lives

from 10, 12, even 13 years ago,

they’re still running on TV in syndication.

Maybe this season’s shows will be seen 10, 12,

or even 15 years from now.

So therefore, I’d like to take this opportunity

to speak to you, the viewers of the future.

*

I suppose you find it comical, these clothes we wear,

the shirts with the buttons

and what we call pants,

how strange and quaint they must seem to you.

Our hairdos, oh, they must make you laugh,

if Evolution has not already removed the laughing mechanism

from your bodies.

You must look at us with those big bulbous heads of yours

and think, "Why are their eyes so none cat like?"

And our fascination with sex and violence

must seem crude and alien to your Utopian world.

But try not to judge us too harshly

because we might invent time machines,

come there and kill you.

Thank you.

( applause )

*

Good night. Thank you so much.

The senator, as you could see,

did run off to make a political engagement,

but we’re here to say good night.

- Merry Christmas. Thank you. - Feliz Navidad.

( cheers and applause )

*