Original subtitles

It is important that we do not expect too much from this summit

but it is first step and from this first step, many.

Please, Ron, stop staring at my forehead.

Oh, I’m sorry.

I did it again, didn’t I?

I’m trying so hard not to, but---

I’ve got kind of a mental thing about it.

- Hey! - Please, continue.

Never mind, it wasn’t important.

Anyway, here we are in Washington D.C.,

please give me the grand tour.

Well, to begin with, as you can imagine Mikhail,

our nation’s capital is rich with history.

Oh, see that building over there with the big pillars?

Lincoln Memorial.

Whatever!

(Laughter)

Anyway, that’s where Jean Arthur talked James Stewart

out of giving up in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."

(Laughter)

With malice toward none, with charity to all.

No!

I believe she said, "You can’t quit now.

Not you Jeff."

Oh, look over there!

The Iwo Jima Memorial.

Yeah! Have you ever heard the story behind that?

I’m not sure.

Well, evidently John Wayne didn’t wanna play that part.

I see!

Duke had his heart set on doing "Slattery’s Hurricane".

But he was under contract to Warner Brothers at the time,

and, well, Jack Warner phoned Duke’s agent, Lew Wasserman,

and said, "Lew, if the Duke doesn’t do "Sands of Iwo Jima",

he’ll be shagging tennis balls for Tyrone Power."

Tyrone, who?

Tyrone Power.

Anyway, Duke did the movie

and was nominated for an Academy Award.

Now, you know who would have played Duke’s part

if he had gotten his way?

To play John Wayne’s part?

I - I don’t know, I don’t---

Forrest Tucker.

(Laughter)

Well, it’s a - it’s strange how these things happen.

Oh, look! The Pentagon.

You, of course, would know this from "Seven Days in May",

"Fail Safe", and so on.

Remember the really big war room in "Fail Safe"?

Yes, yes.

Well, it’s in there.

I’ve never seen it, but in the event of a war,

they’ll take me there, evidently.

(Laughter)

Would it be possible for me to see this war room?

It would be fascinating to compare it to the film.

Well, I don’t see why not.

You’re on the VIP tour.

Uh, Mr. President, I’m afraid we can’t visit the war room.

Why not?

Well, sir, I’m quite certain the war room would be off-limits

to Premier Gorbachev, being that

he’s such a high-ranking Soviet official.

Oh, right.

You know, sometimes I forget that we’re mortal enemies.

Well, Ron, I often think

that circumstances had been otherwise,

you and I could have been great - we - well,

we could have been good - what monument is that over there?

It might be the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

(Laughter)

It’s the Jefferson Memorial, sir.

Oh.

It is very beautiful!

Yes, there must be quite a story behind that.

Oh! Oh!

There’s the Washington Monument!

Now, here on this very field is where the saucer

from "The Day The Earth Stood Still" landed.

And I figure that the robot Gort stood right about there!

Right there!

Ah!

Klaatu barada nikto.

Yep. "Klaatu barada nikto".

I always wondered what those words meant.

Oh, it means: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

(Music)

Its Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical Guest Bryan Ferry.

And featuring, G.E. Smith

and the Saturday Night Live band.

And starring Danny DeVito.

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, Danny DeVito.

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Well, well, well, thank you very much!

Thank you! Thank you!

Well, it’s great to be here!

It’s great! It’s great!

I - I know all the hosts say that but they don’t mean it.

I mean it.

It’s great to be here, really!

(Man cheers loud)

Alright, babe!

(Laughter)

Now, I’m on top of the world lately.

I mean, I’ve got a new movie coming out,

"Throw Momma from the Train".

(Loud cheers and applause)

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Alright!

I’m - I’m sorry I shouldn’t have plugged that but

what’s done is done, if you know what I’m saying.

Well, anyway, I also have a new baby, it’s a boy, Jacob.

Yes. (Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you! Thank you!

(Loud cheers and applause)

And - and now, you know of course, I mentioned Jacob,

I have to mention his older sisters, Lucy and Gracie.

Don’t leave me hanging here.

(Loud cheers and applause)

And - and they’re all - they’re both very happy to be back here

because, you know, they get to go to New Jersey

and see their grandma, you know, yeah, Julia, you know,

you remember Julia, right? "Gah, gah, gah!" Crazy.

Anyway, everybody knows that I’m from Asbury Park, right?

Yeah! Asbury!

Now, a lot of entertainers came from Asbury Park, you know,

myself and Bruce Springsteen, yeah, well, you know,

like - the list is so long, I could go on and on.

But anyway, Bruce and I go way back.

In fact, we were in high school together.

You know, see - well, listen I got---

I’ve brought something to prove it.

I’ve brought my - my high school year book.

This is incredible.

This is really---

Let’s see! Let me see!

Where am I?

Alright, here I am!

Alright, here it is!

Daniel DeVito.

See him, right there. See him.

Okay, see? Right?

It says, it’s a homecoming king, student council president,

football captain, three and four, the boss.

(Laughter)

And here, we have Bruce Springsteen.

Do you see him? Can you see him there?

(Laughter)

This is Bruce, right here.

That’s Bruce.

And it says, Bruce Springsteen, band 1 and 2,

a friendly smile for everyone.

He was kind of an outsider but - but you know, just to be nice,

I let him sign my book and he says here "Dear boss man"--

Moi!

"Thanks for the laughs!

"I never really got to know you,

"but you seemed like a nice, cool guy.

"Take it easy and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,

ha ha ha!"

Well, this was before he was so creative, you know, this was...

Anyway, we’re both doing great,

but I am hosting Saturday Night Live

and he is not! (Laughs)

The boss is back!

We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Bryan Ferry is here.

Yeah!

And we’ll be right back!

(Loud cheers and applause)

Here’s the rough design.

I’ll have the rest in the morning.

Nice girl.

Yeah, she really is.

Too bad about her hands.

(Man speaking) You’ve tried sanding them off.

You’ve tried slamming them off.

And mitts only hide the problem.

There’s no way around it...

you’ve got extra fingers.

It’s time for Handi-Off.

Only Handi-Off contains Leprosin.

That tingle will tell you it’s working.

Ooh!

In just three days, unsightly fingers disappear--

for good!

(Laughter and applause)

Hey, Sheila, pick you up at six?

Let’s make it five!

Subtract your extra digits with Handi-Off.

Now there’s new Toe-Riffic for toes.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Well, I’m afraid this is a fake.

Damn!

I knew it! I knew it!

That guy had this sneaky citified

holier than that kind of squinty liar type look in his eyes,

I should’ve known. Damn!

Well now, wait a minute! Mister, are you sure?

Oh yes, I’m quite certain.

In fact, this isn’t even a painting.

Not a painting? The hell do you say?

- Well, he told us flat-out, didn’t he, Joleen? - Yeah!

That this was from the museum in France. - Yes.

I’m sorry. You see, this is a print.

A reproduction, one in probably thousands of copies

made through an offset photography process.

Okay, so this ain’t worth no $10 million then?

No, far from it, I’d say, 5 tops.

What? Five million?

Five dollars.

- Damn! - Oh!

Damn this door to door salesman, Joleen, no more.

No more! Not in this house.

No, you should’ve heard this guy’s sob story,

he was - said he was trying to buy his momma

a new set of spinal cords or some damn thing, I don’t know.

Well, I hope you didn’t get taken for too much.

$50.

That’s $50 we’ll never see again.

Damn his hide!

Oh, boy!

- Say, Rice... - Hmm?

Maybe we ought to let Mr. Reynolds appraise that

Stradivarius fiddle we got?

No, you don’t think---

Well, it’s better to be safe than sorry honey.

- Oh, you better get it. - Alright, I will.

Come to think of it, that violin salesman

was a shifty eyed city slicker, too!

Well, I’d be happy to examine the instrument.

Here it is!

Here it is! (Laughter)

Take a look at it.

Uh...

Well, what - what do you think?

Uhm, well, I’m afraid this is also a fake.

- Damn! - Sweet mama!

(Laughter)

Uh, yes, someone has written Stradivarius on here,

apparently with a ball point pen.

But, this is in fact a plastic ukulele.

- I knew it! I knew I could smell a rat. - I knew it!

See, Stradivarius created his violins in Cremona, Italy.

So, a clue to the instruments fraudulent origins

would be this Taiwan decal.

I just thought of something, I will be right back.

Hold - hold it, let me see that.

Taiwan? Wait!

Hey, come here a minute,

I want you to take a look at something for me.

Now - now level with me--

does that look like Hitler’s staff car to you?

(Laughter)

Uh, actually no.

No?

Now see, that’s a ’65 Plymouth Valiant.

(Laughter)

Oh, no! My own brother sold me that!

(Laughter)

I’m sorry!

Okay, look! Look here! Look here!

Now, I wanna ask you something here---

is this is a gold doubloon from Blackbeard’s treasure?

No!

- Ah! - Damn!

Damn! I told you---

That - I knew that guy didn’t look like no pirate.

I know it! I know it!

This is actually a foil-covered chocolate.

Oh, okay! (Laughter)

Alright! Now, just wait, wait!

- Damn! - Wait!

- Damn! Damn! - Wait!

Is this a ruby from the crown of King---

- Old King Cole! - Old King Cole!

(Laughter)

Well, this is what is commonly called a jujubead.

Damn!

It’s - it’s a kind of a gumdrop.

- A jujubead? - Yeah!

Now wait a minute!

Okay, is - okay, is this the famous Orlov Diamond?

(Low dramatic musical pad)

No, this is, uh, just glass.

- Mister, you are a liar. - You - you liar.

- You’re a liar! - You get out of here!

That is the Orlov Diamond, mister,

we had it appraised at the American Gemological Society.

- It’s a certified stone. - Sure is.

Perhaps I can take another look.

- No, no, out! - Get out of here, mister!

We don’t need no city folks around here, go on, get out!

Get out! Scram! Woo hoo, out!

(Both laugh)

- He scared me for a minute there. - Yeah!

You know that phony had been - had me thinking we’ve been ripped off right and left.

I know it!

You know what,

we shouldn’t have let him eat that gold doubloon, though.

That’s alright. We’ve got plenty more where that came from.

Yes, there is. Yeah! Alright!

Not a Stradivarius. My heinie.

- I know it. - Huh!

Listen to the tones on that, huh!

If that ain’t Italian, I don’t know what is.

Lord, that’s pretty!

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you, folks.

Good evening and what can I tell you,

it’s been quite a week for our colleague Tom Brokaw in addition

to anchoring NBC’s nightly news on Monday,

he interviewed Soviet Leader Mikhail Gorbachev.

On Tuesday, he was the moderator

for a 12 Man 2 Part Presidential Debate.

On Thursday, participated on a Foreign Network Presidential

Press Conference.

And yesterday was capped off when NBC News reluctantly named

Brokaw its Person Of The Week.

Yesterday conservative leaders across the nation decried

President Reagan’s implied accusations

on his Thursday night press conference,

that those among them who disagreed with the INF Treaty

were in fact warmongers.

Boy!

The conservatives turning on Reagan,

what are the odds on that, huh?

And in a related story from the Weekend Update Weather Bureau,

Hell froze over today.

(Laughter)

Howard Phillips, Chairman of the National Conservative Caucus

opposing the INF Treaty yesterday said

that President Reagan has become

"A useful idiot for Soviet propaganda".

The President replied saying,

"Hey, at least I’m still useful."

President Reagan was criticized this week by a conservative

group for his INF Treaty with the Russians.

Later, an even more conservative group criticized

the first conservative group, saying

they had not been critical enough of Reagan.

On the eve of the next week summit,

Americans are responding enthusiastically

to Mikhail Gorbachev giving him a 54% favorable rating.

In fact, the Des Moines Register Poll taken earlier this week

has the Soviet Premier leading all the announced

Democratic presidential candidates in Iowa.

(Laughter and applause)

During an interview earlier this week with NBC’s Tom Brokaw,

Soviet Premier Gorbachev said he tells his wife "everything".

Oddly enough, that was the only part of the interview deleted

when it was rebroadcast in the Soviet Union.

When asked to explain the deletion,

a spokesman for the SovietNews Agency Tass, said that

there are certain people in the Moscow area, who the Premier

would just assume not know that he is married.

(Soft laughter)

Enough said!

This just in!

An even more conservative group, has criticized the conservatives

who were critical of the group that attacked Reagan

on the INF Treaty, saying if they

would all just be a little more conservative,

things would get a lot better.

In his interview the other night with the media,

President Reagan said that George Bush was

"The finest vice president in my memory."

Oh, you talk about a backhanded compliment, huh?

(Laughter)

And finally, this just in, Mississippi slave owner

Jubal Pettigrew has criticized all the conservative groups

groups critical of Reagan, calling them soft,

and challenging anyone to be more conservative than him.

His challenge was immediately accepted by South African

right wing fascist kook John Stimsa

who is tied to a rotary leash in his own backyard.

(Laughter)

Republican presidential candidate Alexander Haig’s head

continues to shrink.

(Laughter)

Experts in the field of craniology say that

if the deterioration of the skull continues at this rate,

Haig will be a pee brain by the New Hampshire primary---

(Laughter and applause)

And - and a complete pinhead

by next summer’s Republican Convention.

Haig refuted these findings, by saying "The experts don’t know

anything, I’ve been a complete pinhead for years".

On Wednesday night a group of Cuban terrorist took over

the 12 Man 1988 Presidential Debate

and held all 12 Presidential candidates as it’s hostage.

Spokesman for the Cubans said, "We’ve got 12 politicians in here

"and if our demands aren’t met, we start throwing out

a live one every hour on the hour".

A group of scientists at Rhode Island University this week say

they have determined the heaviest substance known to man

to be the Sunday New York Times.

G. Gordon Liddy shot his hair off this week to promote--

(Laughter)

to promote his chain of William Tell Hair Salons For Real Men

who believe that scissors are for sissies.

Comedian Redd Foxx says he’ll be changing his name

for the second time in his career, in an effort to create

a new image for himself.

The new name, Reddd Foxxx.

(Laughter)

Bad news in Atlanta, Georgia this week as a group of Cubists

took over an art gallery and held the curator hostage.

The Cubists said they are being framed

for crimes against humanity.

It was announced this week that Frank Sinatra,

Sammy Davis and Dean Martin would mount

a 29 city tour of North America in 1988.

You know this tour would’ve never come off when these guys

were in their prime, nothing to do with egos,

there just weren’t 29 major cities in North America

at that point.

(Soft laughter)

NASA’s latest mission, an unmanned space craft to Jupiter,

has hit more snags in recent days.

Officials have scrapped the project and now plan to launch

an unmanned artist rendering to Pluto, on December 16th.

If that doesn’t work, preparations for project

El Dorado have begun.

Four astronauts will attempt to drive

a car from Cape Canaveral to Edwards Air Force Base.

Another rough week on the stock exchange as the Dow Jones

plummeted to 1766, the lowest figure since Black Monday

last October 19th.

In an effort to convey the sickly nature

of the stock market, naturalists are working feverishly to find

the animal metaphor which will replace the term "bear market,"

which is no longer strong enough.

Among the choices are the cornered rat market,

the raccoon with progressive tail mange market,

and the walking catfish hit by a truck market.

The FAA attributes human error as the major factor

in the recent ra.sh of airline disasters

Here now to discuss this theory in his thoughtful

inside commentary is correspondent Kevin Nealon.

Hello, Kevin!

(Cheers and applause)

Welcome to the show!

Thanks!

You know I’ve been thinking, there’s always the chance

of human error in life because people make mistakes.

I think that’s what I’m really trying to say tonight,

the point I’m making, you know, that people make mistakes.

And it happens to everyone.

Last week for example, I had some tinted windows installed

on my car to keep the sun out and you know,

to keep people from looking in, but the stupid guys

put them in backwards, you know,

so now everyone can see in but I can’t see out.

I won’t drive it that way ’cause it’s just not safe.

Sometimes, I think it’s better to be safe than sorry in life.

Wait a minute!

That’s what I’m really trying to say!

It’s better to be safe than sorry in life.

Forget what I said before, about people making mistakes.

I didn’t know what I was saying.

And I’ll be honest, I just talk on the top of the head.

I was just going through the motions.

No! No!

In all seriousness, the point I’m making guys,

"It’s better to be safe than sorry."

It’s like where I grew up, you know,

we didn’t have fireworks on the Fourth of July because

the town was afraid that someone would get hurt.

We didn’t miss out though, you know,

we got the same effects just by closing our eyes

and rubbing them really hard like that, you know.

And see all the little stars shooting around, you know!

Then for our grand finale, we’d do this--

(Laughter)

You see, you gotta take what you can get in life.

Wait a second, wait!

That’s what I’m really trying to say!

You gotta take what you can get in life,

forget what I said before, about better safe than sorry,

and that people make mistakes.

And honestly, I don’t know where that came from.

I was just taking a stab at anything there.

I didn’t know what was happening.

I was way out in left field of that one.

I’ll admit it, you know. No, seriously.

You know, what I’m really trying to say is,

seriously, that you gotta take what you can get in life.

Let’s say, you’re on a business trip and you can’t get a safe

flight home to visit your wife or your girlfriend,

you could always call.

They say calling long distance is the next best thing

to being there.

I say the next best thing to being there

is being with someone that looks similar.

(laughter)

Because you gotta do what you gotta do in life.

That’s what I’m really trying to say.

You gotta do, what you gotta do in life.

Forget what I said before, about that other stuff.

Believe me, that was a bunch of garbage.

I was just walking through it.

Now seriously, I don’t know if I was coming or going.

I was just flipping it through the channels, you know,

just running around the bases, I didn’t have any idea

- what was going on. - Kevin, thanks...

Kevin! Kevin!

Thank you! I think we got the message!

Thank you very much!

Kevin Nealon, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you Kevin!

(Loud cheers and applause)

Alright!

Athlete extraordinary Bo Jackson who has already made his mark

in professional football and baseball announced this week

that he’ll run in next year’s Kentucky Derby.

Jackson will be ridden by veteran jockey Willie Shoemaker

in a Triple Crown event.

Comedian Joe Piscopo blew up this week

during a weight lifting session at a Los Angeles gym.

The Coca Cola company this week unveiled a new ad campaign

aimed at rural areas in the deep south.

The new slogan will be,

"Coke, it’s not just for breakfast anymore."

Well, guess what folks, that’s the news and I am outta here!

(News music theme)

(Cheers and applause)

(Street atmosphere)

No, no, the mail...

- Hey, man! - Hi!

No, no, Mrs. MacGallon, the mail hasn’t come in yet, you know.

- Hey, man! - Hi!

Well, you know what they say about the post office ma’am.

It’s slow. They--

Yeah, they’re very slow. You know what I mean.

At - at getting the mail Mrs. MacGallon, yeah!

Alright, yeah!

Hi, Junior, how are you doing?

Alright, goodbye!

Okay! Take care!

Hi, Ms. Brisbane, how are you?

Hi, Danny! Listen, I’m expecting the cable man here.

He’s supposed to be here before 5, but if he gets here after,

would you just send him away because I’ve got

some people coming up, so I have to get ready.

- Five o’clock deadline. - Yeah!

Boy, it’s been busy!

People going in and out, you know.

You know Mr. MacMartin, is leaving, Mr. Martin.

Mr. Martin?

Yeah, you know, Mr. Martin, 14A.

Uh, sorry--

You know, the dark haired fellow, nice looking.

- Advertising man. - I don’t think I know him, no.

The gentlaman’s got this grey patch in his hair, you know.

- Oh, yeah! - That guy, okay, yeah!

He’s bringing his stuff down now.

Oh, okay, but you remember the time about the cable guy?

Five - 5 PM.

Alright, thanks Danny.

Oh, you guys...

- Hi Brenda, how are you? - Hi, Danny.

- How are you doing? - How are you doing?

- Okay! - Okay!

Hey, who’s leaving?

Oh, Mr. Martin, you know...

- Martin? Martin? - Yeah!

Patch of grey gentleman, you know.

- Oh! Yes, yes! - Yeah, Mr. Martin.

Come on baby, we’ve got shopping to do!

Hi! How are you doing?

Okay! Bye!

Men!

Thanks guys, I’ll be right up.

Well, okay!

Just have to do one more thing.

Danny, I’m leaving.

Oh, this is it.

Well, you’re gonna be missed Mr. Martin.

Yeah! Well, hey! I’ll miss this place.

Well, sure, yeah.

Well, it’s changing though.

- Yeah! - Well, yeah, yeah!

It’s a lot of turnover, you know, people moving in,

moving out, but you know, people passing away like,

- you know, Mrs. Mahoney. - Sorry?

You know, Mrs. Mahoney, you know,

white haired old lady, you know.

Seventh floor.

You know, she used to walk the poodle a lot, you know.

I don’t know.

She had this limp, you remember Mrs. Mahoney.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Yes! He passed away?

She! She passed away!

Oh, yeah!

That’s too bad!

- Well... - Guess life goes on.

Oh, yeah! You’re very right about that Mr. Martin.

Life goes on.

It goes on, but well---

- Well... - Yeah!

We did have some good times over the years, right?

Oh, yeah! Oh yes, we did! We did! That we did!

Like--

remember that time with the package?

Package? Oh yeah!

The package fell behind the desk and was there.

It was there forever.

Yeah, it just sat there for a week before

I finally noticed it.

Yeah! Yeah!

It’s been a long time.

Yeah! 8 years! It’s a long time.

That’s right!

Hey!

What about the basket of fruit incident, huh?

Oh no! Oh, that was incredible.

The basket of fruit and I kept - I thought it was yours.

I kept bringing it up there.

And then I get it and it wasn’t for me

so I’d send it downstairs for you!

Yeah! And we’d sit here and then I’d say, whoa!

They forgot to deliver it.

Let me bring it back up, I mean, that went on, I mean,

a few more times than that.

That’s for sure. That’s for sure.

Boy, that was - that was some basket of fruit too.

- Oh, yeah! - Oh, it was very, very...

- They had grapes. - Oh, lots.

- Lots of - lots of-- - Oranges.

Oranges and bananas and fancy fruits in there too.

Yeah, there were some mangos---

Mangos. All those exotic fruits, yeah!

Whose basket was that anyway?

Uh, oh that was Mr. Vanami.

Vanami?

Yeah! Vanami, you know, 14th floor.

Vanami?

The pockmarked face gentleman, you know.

Oh, yes! Yeah.

Yeah, he had one eyebrow.

Okay, couldn’t miss him.

You know, it been - it’s funny, it just hit me,

I’ve seen you every day for years and I don’t know

anything about you, I mean, I don’t know anything

about your life or where you’re from or your family---

That’s no big deal, I mean.

You know, the building is a big chunk of my life so I--

Yeah! But still--

I mean, it just hits me like that.

Well, you know, I live in Long Island City, I commute,

I got three kids.

The little one, Amy, still in high school, yeah!

The big one, my son is in engineering school.

Well, he’s so smart, the kids - my Susan,

she’s at Queens College, you know, and she’s a good kid.

She’s a little - she’s gone through some things now,

she’ll cut her hair like very---

Oh, short.

It’s the strangest thing, but I love her.

And she’s going through some things.

I know.

Okay, well it’s nothing to speak about.

No, it’s great, you know, it’s---

well, great!

(Car horn)

Oh, is that yours?

- Let me see...yeah! - Yeah!

Yeah, that’s me alright!

Well, I guess you gotta be going!

Yeah! Well--

Well, you’ll be really missed.

I’m gonna really miss you! Let me walk you out.

Hey, allow me!

Oh, no, no, no.

Mr. Martin, I couldn’t do that.

No, I - this could be the last time

I get to open the door for you.

- Thanks! - Alright. Take care!

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

Well, we had a good time!

Yeah!

Had a real good time!

Hey, Rhea!

Well, thank you everybody!

And good night!

(Music)