Original subtitles

Announcer: Saturday Night Live, normally seen at this time will begin

immediately following this important announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Vice President of the United States.

Hello, I’m George Bush.

You know, this week the Iran-Contra Report

came out and predictably stories resurfaced

in the media to the effect that I am a wimp.

I am not a wimp.

And, frankly, I’m tired of being labeled as a weakling

who’s afraid to criticize the President.

And I can tell you straight out,

the man has lost it.

( audience laughing )

Hear me out, he has trouble hearing.

He can’t concentrate.

He can’t even handle the most basic task.

And on an occasion last week, I had to feed him.

( audience laughing )

And I can tell you how frightening it is to see

the President with corn chowder dribbling down his chin.

( audience laughing )

People are concerned and I don’t blame them.

Cap Weinberger was concerned and he quit.

But me, George Bush, I’m not a quitter.

And that is why earlier this evening

I staged a successful coup.

( audience laughing )

See, me, the wimp...

( audience laughing )

Seizing command of the government of the United States.

The President has been informed and, you know,

he actually seemed relieved.

He squeezed my hand and said, "God be with you George."

Then he was placed under house arrest.

( audience laughing )

Now during the next few weeks, I’ll be issuing edicts

on a regular basis concerning the reorganization

of our entire society.

Hardly the actions of a wimp, wouldn’t you agree?

Would a wimp suspend the right to trial by jury?

( audience laughing )

Could a weakling cancel elections

until he’s crushed all opposition?

Would a wuss order the imprisonment of a figure

as beloved as Rose Kennedy?

( audience laughing )

I think you can leave these questions

to my political enemies when they emerge

from the reeducation camps.

( audience laughing )

Now, finally, one more fact you should know.

Clearly, it’d be nonsensical for a man of my stature

to have only one wife.

( audience laughing )

Therefore, I have taken as my second wife,

Miss Valerie Perrine.

( audience laughing )

So that my genetic code can be disseminated more widely.

And now I ask you to rise and join me

in the pledge of allegiance.

I pledge allegiance to the decisive leadership

of the Supreme Commander George Bush.

( audience laughing )

And to his wife Barbara Bush,

and to Valerie Perrine Bush.

Into the grand exalted vision of George Bush.

One leader, one religion,

Episcopalian, under God,

( audience laughing )

"Boola Boola," live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night.

( audience cheering )

( music )

Announcer: It’s Saturday Night Live!

With: Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon!

Musical guest: Cher!

G.E Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band!

And starring Candice Bergen!

( audience applauding )

Announcer: You are watching Waterbury Cable Television

Public Access Channel D.

Announcer: Good evening and welcome again

to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.

The informative training program

for the serious weight lifter.

- Welcome again, we’re back. - We’re back.

All right.

( audience cheering )

- Once again, I’m Hans. - And I’m Franz.

- And we want to pump you up. - And we want to pump you up.

Alright, in this program we show you how to bulk up your muscle

by pumping up.

That’s right Hans, so if you’re interested

take time out of your busy schedule

and give us your full attention.

Yeah, otherwise forget it!

You can do something like this half-assed.

Yeah! Yeah!

That might be the way you do things,

and if that’s the case, we don’t wanna know from it.

That’s right.

Listen to me now and believe me later.

You’re not doing us any favors here.

No. Okay, Hans enough talk.

We’re not here to talk.

- We’re here to pump you up! - We’re here to pump you up!

- Alright. - Alright.

First we’re gonna show you how to reduce stress

with some simple exercises.

That’s right, Franz.

Here you go, for the pump it’s very important to breathe in.

- Yeah! - It’s very important.

You must exhale on the way up,

inhale on the way down.

It’s very basic, I think you could remember that.

Yeah, and if you can’t remember something so simple you know

maybe you need some straightening out.

Hear me now and believe me later.

( audience laughing )

If you have an attitude problem,

maybe we should pummel you with our bare fist

like a veal cutlet.

Alright. Okay, Franz, enough talk.

We’re not here to talk, we’re here to...

- Pump you up! - Pump you up!

Alright, back to the program.

This is Helmut. Come here, Helmut.

( audience laughing )

Helmut is a typical person.

Helmut is what you become if you are lazy.

Yeah, he’s your worst nightmare.

But tomorrow, we put Helmut on the workout program.

We’ll be charting his progress over the next few months.

Say hello, Helmut.

Hello, I’m Helmut.

( audience laughing )

Everywhere you look, Helmut is covered with baby fat

but he’s a grown man.

Yeah, look at his belly,

you can pinch more than an inch and he wouldn’t even feel it.

He wouldn’t even know what was happening.

Yeah, that’s right. Turn around, Helmut.

Look at this buttock, you know, look at it, it’s soft like jam.

I wish I had a biscuit to put that buttock on,

it’d be a nice afternoon snack, believe me.

Yeah, Yeah!

Look, look at his pectorals right here, look.

They’re soft,

they’re like two big marshmallows

after they’ve been toasted. Too much on one side, look.

Look at that, yeah!

If they were any lower he’d step on them.

( audience laughing )

Yeah!

I point at the muscle but who can find it through this pile of flab?

You know, I wish I was Sherlock Holmes with the one of those

looking glasses so I could look to the marshmallows

and try and find the muscle, but that’s life.

That’s right, that’s right Franz, nothing comes easy.

If you don’t follow the workout

you’re never going to look like this.

( audience laughing )

Now if you have a problem with that maybe you should be disciplined.

Yeah you know maybe I should take off my sweatshirt

after a long hard workout and wring it out into a glass

and then make you drink it.

- Yeah, Franz, with no ice. - Yeah!

Yeah, maybe we should grab your love handles

and stretch them around you like a bag

so you can carry yourself out to the garbage.

( audience laughing )

Listen, my friend, believe this and believe me now,

that’s where trash like you belongs.

That’s right, okay, enough talk. I see our time is up.

- Once again I’m Hans. - And I am Franz.

And we want to...

- ...pump you up! - ...pump you up!

See you next week.

- We’ll be back. - We’ll be back.

(Announcer): This has been Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.

( audience applauding )

( music )

Oh Norfolk, pray what news of my beloved husband, the King.

He bodes ill, Your Highness.

The King demands your death.

I fear as much.

What manner of execution is it to be?

The choosing is yours, milady.

How so Norfolk?

If you grant the King a divorce

and renounce any claim to the throne,

then you shall be beheaded.

If you do not, then you shall be burned at the stake.

After I’m beheaded, what will happen to my head?

( audience laughing )

It will be placed on top of a wall for public display.

People will be allowed to throw things at it

in attempts to knockit off the wall.

( audience laughing )

How many throws will each person get

before another person gets to throw?

( audience laughing )

Three.

( audience laughing )

Will they be allowed to throw anything?

Within reason.

Would a rotten potato be considered reasonable?

I’m afraid it would, madame.

( audience laughing )

But I mean, a really rotten one, all mushy and such.

And when my head is knocked off the wall, will the dirt and mud

be brushed off my face before it is set back on the wall?

I’m not sure, your grace, I will check it out.

( audience laughing )

Thank you, Norfolk.

I will leave you now to weigh your decision.

Norfolk!

Yes madame?

What if I grant the divorce, renounce the throne

but invoke the blessing of the Pope?

Then you shall be drawn and quartered by four large horses.

( audience laughing )

Then the quarters shall be drawn and quartered

by four smaller horses.

( audience laughing )

Then those quarters will be drawn

and quartered by four frogs.

After that the quartering would stop

and the mincing would begin.

( audience laughing )

I see!

And my head?

Your head will be placed on a pike.

On a fish, Norfolk?

( audience laughing )

No, your Highness, a spike pike.

Oh Norfolk!

What about the crows? Will they not attack my face?

We would put a wired cage over your head.

We would keep out the crows but smaller birds would be able

to shoulder the way through the bars.

And I suppose yellow jackets could get through.

Yes, madame.

And June bugs.

Yes, but June bugs really wouldn’t do any harm.

They just sort of crawl around on your face.

Could a small scarecrow be attached to my forehead?

Again, I will check into the matter, your Highness.

But now I will take my leave.

- Norfolk! - Yes, your Highness?

What if I just do everything they ask?

In that case, your head will be chopped off

and then it will be shot out of a cannon.

( audience laughing )

How many times?

I’m not sure. It seems to be really arbitrary.

And my body?

It would be folded up and also shot out of a cannon.

Would my head ever be shot at my body?

( audience laughing )

- It might, your grace. - Yuck!

And what happens to my head after that?

I would be wrapped up like a present

and sent anonymously to a stranger.

( audience laughing )

A royal entourage would hide in the bushes

to see the expression on the stranger’s face when he opens it.

( audience laughing )

Norfolk, you may inform the King I have made my decision.

I will grant the divorce.

I will renounce the throne

and have my head cut off.

Very well, madame.

Now is that the one where we put your head on the wall, I’m lost.

Yes, yes, that’s the one.

I will take my leave now, Your Highness.

- Norfolk! - Oh yes, your Highness.

The executioner, is he skilled?

Very skilled, madame.

He has been sent for from Calais.

( music )

( bell tolling )

( woman weeping )

I forgive you.

( drum rolling )

( woman screaming )

(Announcer:) The execution of Anne Boleyn took six and a half hours

and 3 axes,

and was one of the bloodiest in royal history.

At one point Anne Boleyn cried out

that she would rather be burned at the stake

but it was decided to carry on.

Later, her head was placed atop a pike, which swam away

never to be seen again.

( audience applauding )

(Narrator:) The Supreme Court

is the ultimate guardian of our liberties.

Now Ronald Reagan wants Anthony Kennedy

to be our next Supreme Court Justice, but Anthony Kennedy

has a strange idea of what justice is all about.

In 1977, Judge Kennedy ruled

that machine parts manufactured in one state or territory

and shipped through a port

for assembly in another state or territory may be taxed

on a pro rata basis applied to their aggregate wholesale value.

To put it in plain English, a manufacturer of machine parts

must pay a proportional tax upon shipment of those parts

rather than an aggregate tax based on the final net receipts

of the sale of the assembled finished products.

If these are Judge Kennedy’s views on the taxation

of component parts shipped from the state or territory

of the manufacturer to the state

or territory of their ultimate assembly in sale,

just imagine what his views might be on civil rights,

the environment or abortion.

If you are as frightened as we are, write

Manufacturers Of Machine Part Components United

To Save Our Courts.

The madness must stop now.

( audience applauding )

( music )

(Announcer:) And now, Weekend Update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

( audience cheering )

Thank you, good evening and what can I tell you,

the congressional report on the Iran-Contra Affair

came out this week and laid the blame directly

on the shoulders of President Reagan and his advisers.

The President through a spokesman answered the charges

saying, "I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say about me

bounces off me and sticks to you".

In a related statement, General C. Everett Koop said,

"I’m just glad to hear the President say the word rubber".

( audience laughing )

As if Vice President Bush didn’t have enough image problems already,

this week he visited a psychic who told him

that in a previous life he was Mel Cooley

from the old Dick Van Dyke show.

( audience laughing )

Is it just me, or is William F. Buckley melting?

( audience laughing )

Democratic Presidential hopeful Richard Gephardt today announced

the passage of special legislation designed to deport

the Filipino barber who gave him that atrocious $7 haircut.

First Lady Nancy Reagan was reported in a fair condition

today after being dragged all the way to Camp David

by Rex the White House pooch.

The remorseful dog has been shipped

to the Canine Core Facility for obedience training,

where he’ll be thought to heel, sit up, beg and possibly fill in

for the President at future press conferences.

This week, biochemists at Albany Medical College announced

the breakthrough discovery of a sperm-blocking protein

which could lead to birth control pill for men.

There’s still some kinks in the system

and as proof of that

Weekend Update has procured a visual microscopic enhancement

of the sperm-blocking procedure.

We’re proud to show it to you tonight.

Number 54 is the sperm blocker,

he inexplicably drops back in to coverage.

Number 9 in the blue that’s the sperm, and at this point

he’s running loose.

Now sure the sperm blocker comes in at the last moment

too late at this point, the sperm has scored,

it’s Zygote Ville, folks,

the game called on account of pregnancy.

Zygote Ville, okay.

Gary Hart surfaced this week saying he was having

a lot of trouble meeting chicks now that he had no clout.

( audience laughing )

During their last meeting

the Pope made Ronald Reagan laugh so hard

that Reagan smacked him on the back of the head

and told him to quit it or he’s gonna choke on his food.

Medical authorities now estimated by the year 2000

more people will die from AIDS each year

than will die in automobile accidents.

A concerned Reagan administration responded

by recommending that the nation adopt the uniform speed limit

on all roads of 120 miles per hour.

Washington columnist and standup comedian George Will

was rushed through the hospital today when he collapsed

after taking the first deep breath of his life.

Comedian Bill Cosby was let go by the producers

of the Cosby Show this week and replaced by Valerie Harper.

The new show will be called Valerie.

On Thursday the current shipment of Beaujolai Nouveau wine

was put on sale in the US but I really can’t imagine

that anyone interested in that kind of thing

would be watching this show.

This just in...

Okay.

Isn’t it the tablecloth that Lady and the Tramp

ate pasta off of out in the alley?

( audience laughing )

You know, the stock market dropped 2000 points Friday

when everyone sold all their stock.

And in today’s radio message, President Reagan

termed the action "a temporary sigh in the marketplace",

and promised to think about it if he could remember it while clearing brush

during his ten-week Christmas vacation in California."

Well bad news for beer salesman, Spuds McKenzie this week

has his estranged gay lover Studs McDougall.

( audience laughing )

Oh, Studs surfaced and filed a man’s best palimony suit

against McKenzie, said McDougall, "I was with Spud in the lean times,

I knew him when he was still going for human legs".

It was announced last week that a new anti-cholesterol drug

has been found that traumatically reduces the risk of coronary heart disease.

A jubilant McDonald’s corporation immediately

responded with the unveiling of its newest product

Butter McCheese. ( audience laughing )

The Kerr-McGee Company of silkwood fame is under fire

again having recently been accused of being the source

of a shipment of radioactive fertilizer that might be

the cause of some genetic mutant aberrations

in the State of Oklahoma,

among those recently discovered was a nine-legged frog.

As if they didn’t have enough trouble Kerr-McGee also

faces a copyright infringement suit from Milton Bradley,

the makers of Cootie.

( audience laughing )

Republican congressional leaders this week strongly criticized

the proposal to invite Mikhail Gorbachev to address

a joint meeting of Congress.

Now I should tell you upfront I’m not exactly Gorby groupie

but if you are gonna over here, you should at least make him

dance for his dinner, make him do something.

Now if the Fox Network still had the Late Show on,

we can make him host that for a night.

Really put the screws to him, but it’s off the air and I hear

they’re gonna do a late night comedy news show.

Trust me, boys, that’s an impossibility,

it’ll never fly.

So maybe we do let him address Congress if for no other reason

than to make some of older representatives fake

being awake for an hour or so.

And if they don’t like what they’re hearing

then they can just heck along, see how he thinks on his feet.

Or bring in some star search judges to give a bad time.

Might as well show him what America is really about,

and with the hot counter point is...

...I’ve always waited for this to happen, 3 years

and the sketch blew off on live TV. Okay!

Wow! Okay!

( audience applauding )

Oh Jesus!

I am so humbled!

You know in a touching act of Christian Charity

evangelist Queen Tammy Faye Bakker today donated her last

six tons of pancake blush to the starving families of Africa.

If they can’t eat said the Pentecostal princess

at least they can be pretty.

Peter Holm sued his right hand this week for support fame

and saying that while it was tough to lose Joan

when the hand flipped out on him, well it was just too much to bear.

Guess what folks, that’s the news and I am outta here!

( music )

( audience cheering )

(Announcer:) Ladies and gentleman Mr. Lonnie Broadaxe.

Thank you! Thank you!

( audience applauding )

We’ll thank you kindly!

I’d like to sing a song about a place where I grew up.

A little town back in the woods and the song’s called Country,

Through and Through.

* I was born in the green hills of Kentucky *

* But I hope you folks won’t hold that against me *

* We was poor in preacher’s gap *

* It’s been in a life long handicapped *

* I’m embarrassed that I come from Country County *

* My daddy couldn’t read or write so well *

* And the goldmine buses worked him hard as hell *

* He just never had a dollar so we lived in total squalor *

* Curse that idiot who gone got married when he was 12 *

( audience laughing )

Now I remember every night before I go to sleep

My daddy come into my room and say some drunken thing,

didn’t make no sense.

Then he tried to molest me.

* You see Country folks are different *

* Kinda backward, kinda crude *

* The mamas all have real bad teeth *

* And the kids all run around nude *

* Though it shames me to admit it *

* I’m Country through and through *

* When you’re not exposed to alternatives *

* Tell me what else can you do? *

You know, they say you can’t take the Country

out of the Country boy.

But why the hell not?

They can cure small pox.

This Country thing is holding me back.

* Some people think Country folks is weird *

* And brother you won’t get no argument here *

* Just look at this stupid clothes *

* it’s the only style I knows *

* Because I grew up in a hell hole in the Country *

* And into I went you are from the Country *

* My life’s a joke ’cause I come from the Country *

* I curse the Lord for sticking me in the Country *

* You’re screwed for life if you come from the Country *

Thank you!

Thank you kindly!

( audience applauding )

I’m sorry about the accent!

I’m sorry about that!

Thank you!

( phone ringing )

- Hello! - Edwards?

- Where’s that report? - Report?

It was supposed to be here last week!

Uhhh.

You’re fired!

(Narrator:) There are lots of

overnight express delivery services out there.

Federal Express, Purolator, Amory, they all do a fine job

when you’re racing a deadline.

But what do you do if you already missed your deadline?

When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us.

Einstein Express.

Hello!

Two pounds, and when does it have to be there?

Three days ago?

Okay, that’s last Friday.

(Narrator:) Using a patented super conductor matrix

coupled with Einstein’s theory of Space Time Continuum,

we can transport any document

or package up to 10 pounds into the past.

Sure, it costs a little more.

That will be $57.

(Narrator:) But there are times when nothing else will do.

I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.

Four months ago.

Edwards, I read your report over the weekend,

it’s brilliant, partner.

(Narrator:) Einstein Express.

When it absolutely positively has to be there

the day before yesterday.

( audience applauding )

Oh yeah, baby, it’s hot.

Damn, it’s gonna get a whole lot hotter.

But I’ve been waiting 8 long years for this baby.

Oh yeah!

This tiger’s finally out of prison.

It’s ready to make up for some lost time.

Aren’t you the shy one, huh?

Yeah, sure, I’m shy, whatever you want, it’s your money.

You got a lot of man here, baby.

Oh yeah!

That’s right poopie.

You got a lot of me!

Hey! Hey you! Get out of here, pervert!

Beat it!

You’re messing with the wrong guy!

That’s it, weirdo! You better run!

If you’re smart, you won’t look back!

It’s alright, pumpkin, just a peeping tom.

He won’t be back.

Don’t you worry about a thing!

Thank God, my hero.

That’s right, baby.

Don’t you worry, darling.

Because the doctor is in!

But where’s that thing I’m gonna put on my pajamas?

Let me see now.

Where did I put those?

Oh yeah!

Here they are. Okay, pervert!

- What are you, sick, huh? - No!

This is how you get your kicks?

You picked the wrong room and the wrong guy

because I’m a bad mad mother, you understand that?

Yes! You’re right!

I thought this is my room. You’re right! You’re right!

You’re damn right I’m right!

Big mistake, it won’t happen again.

So you’re damn right it won’t happen again.

Because if it does, I’ll blow your brains out!

- Do you understand me? - Yes sir!

You get out of here, come on, get out of here!

What does he think, I’m kidding?

Okay.

Okay, he got the message!

Speaking of messages...

...I got a little package for you, eh!

Coming special delivery, baby.

Yeah, mama!

Maybe something good is on TV.

I’ll...

I’ll go get the TV Guide here.

Yeah, here it is!

- Okay, get in here! - Oh no! No!

Who do you think-- I’m kidding with you, huh?

- Is this some kind of joke? - No!

Honest, I was just wondering what the score of the game was, that’s all.

Oh boy!

- Won’t happen again, I swear. - It won’t happen again.

Because you won’t be able to walk when I’m through with you!

Get out!

Please! It won’t happen again, sir.

Get out of here!

Punk!

I’ll kill him!

Doesn’t know who I am or what I can do!

But I think you know what I can do, baby.

Yeah, you know what I can do, don’t you, cupcake?

Oh please! Don’t tease me, stop, you’re driving me wild.

( audience laughing )

Oh come on, baby, you know the tiger is yours tonight.

Why don’t I turn off the TV, baby?

Yeah, you know, it’s kinda distracting.

Okay, that’s it, come on get in here!

Okay!

What do you think?

You decided to test me, didn’t you?

I was just wondering what time it was. I lost my watch.

I was trying to look at your clock.

Oh, man, what, you think this is a joke?

No, no, no, honest! Believe me.

Listen to me, Mr. Sicko, I got a hand trigger temper

and I wouldn’t think twice if I put a bullet in your skull.

You understand me?

I will never ever snoop around again, honest.

You’re gonna be a very, very sorry person if I catch you

around here again you understand because I’m crazy unpredictable!

Yes, okay enough! Okay! Yes! I believe you! I believe you!

Okay, okay, that’s right.

Get out of here. Get out of here faster!

Nobody invades my privacy! Nobody!

Excuse me, what time is it anyway?

Get out of here!

Okay. Okay, pumpkin.

I’m not gonna let him spoil our fun, are we?

Hercules, you got 5 minutes left and then your hour’s up, okay?

There’s plenty of time, baby.

Oh yeah!

( audience laughing )

You like this, don’t you, baby?

Yeah!

Please stop, you’re driving me crazy.

Oh yeah!

I’m gonna take it all off.

Yeah, you got a front row seat.

I won. I’m lucky. I can hardly contain myself.

You’re so lucky.

That’s it! That’s it! You are dead meat, man!

You are dead meat!

- I lost my wallet I was just... - It’s not time for your scam.

Oh no, I’m really sorry. Look, I’m sorry.

You know what it feels like to be dead?

I believe you! I deserve it.

If it makes you feel better, I’ll leave.

It’ll make me feel a whole lot better if you are dead.

Now you better get out of here before I feel better!

Thank you, you won’t regret it. Thank you!

If he’s smart, he won’t come back,

because I’m a crazy reckless animal and there’s no telling what I might do!

But then again,

there’s no telling what I might do to you either, huh, cupcake.

- Sorry Tarzan, time’s up. - What?

Yeah, come on, I got another client. Come on, come on! Scram!

- But I didn’t... - No, no, no, no!

Get out! Come on. Scram! Now move! Yeah.

How are you doing?

Okay, baby, I’m gonna give you what you want.

I’m gonna give you what you’ve been asking for.

I hope you’re ready to get it because I’m gonna give it...

What are you doing here?

Hey, get out of the way, you pervert!

Why don’t you just get away from here, you stupid idiot!

( audience cheering )

( music )

Good night everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Good night!

Yeah!

( music )