Original subtitles

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guests, Simply Red.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown,

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band.

And starring Robert Mitchum.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Robert Mitchum!

Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Saturday Night Live,huh?

This is something.

I don’t know what yet, but I do know it’s live.

Live TV, I guess that’s supposed to scare me.

Like if I screw up, I may miss out that 110th movie.

( laughter )

And I’ve done a lot of movies, and I remember them all too.

One of my first appearances in films

was with Laurel and Hardy.

I think it was a comedy,

but that’s what I thought of Winds of Wartoo.

So, who knows what’s gonna happen tonight.

All I know for sure is, in 90 minutes, I go to a party.

That sounds good to me.

( cheers and applause )

Let’s face it--

let’s face it, there’s not much I haven’t seen in this world,

and there’s even less that I haven’t done.

In fact, after this show,

there will be nothing I haven’t done.

So stick around.

We’ve got a musical group called Simply Red.

( cheers and applause )

We’ll be right back.

She was like the air, brittle and easily broken.

*

How could one so perfect be so flawed?

- Dearest... - Not now.

I’m busy.

She was an incandescent angel, dancing on the edge

in a ritual that was both innocent and jejune.

Yes, she was.

Her translucent figure,

glowing in the light and fire of her overwhelming passion.

Save me.

Why?

I wonder which was the greater transgression,

loving her or abiding her immaculate madness.

A little club soda will get that out.

- Liar! - She was consumed, obsessed,

never able to enjoy her own party.

I alone felt her torment,

her deepest secrets known only to me.

If keeping a clean house is a crime,

then let me be guilty!

Guilty!

Poor frightened creature.

What was it we could not give her, or she understand?

Somewhere between cleanliness and godliness lies Compulsion,

the world’s most indulgent disinfectant from Calvin Kleen.

Ah, the price of it.

*

Announcer: There have been many trappers

and hunters in these woods,

but none is manly as Rick "Peachfuzz" Parsons,

the Mountain Man!

( coyote howls )

( gasps ) Here it is, honey, Mountain Man Tours.

- It will be so fun. - I’m tired!

Oh, come on. ( pants )

Come in!

Hello, are you the tour guide they call the Mountain Man?

Yeah, that’s me.

Hi, I’m Sydney Tacker. This is my wife, Rhonda.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

We heard about you, and we’d like to take

that three-day hike into the mountains.

- Yeah, you would, huh? - You’re a lot younger.

I thought you’d be a lot bigger than that.

Baby cougar can take your leg off with one swipe.

- Yes, I understand. - Yeah, you should.

Let me ask you a question, you ever been to the mountains?

Well, no, actually, this is our first day.

Well, you know, the mountains do funny things to a man.

Yes, well, I would imagine they could.

Good response, Syd.

Maybe I will take you to the mountains.

- Yay! - Shut up! I said maybe.

First, you got to learn about mountain food.

Mountain food, I love it.

Slim Jim, Top Ramen, and beef jerky,

I love that crap.

This here is a banana chip, compact, efficient,

perfect food for the mountains.

Now put it in your mouth!

Put it in your mouth!

Wrong!

First rule of the mountains,

you don’t put something in your mouth

just ’cause a man tells you to.

It might make you sick.

See, honey, I told you that.

Shut up!

You make me sick, you weekend campers,

with your squash-melted Hershey bars

and your six pack of Perrier water!

Hey, you, it’s not necessary to make fun of us.

What do you know about necessities, you slipper boy?

Look, I think we made a mistake.

Come on, let’s get going.

Oh, Sydney, come on, it won’t be that bad.

Come on, Sydney, I’m sorry about that.

You wanna come to the mountains, don’t you?

Oh, I suppose.

Yeah, that’s the spirit.

( chuckles )

You’ve got some set of ovaries, woman.

Thank you.

Um, did you hunt all those animals?

Oh, so you noticed.

Yeah, I killed them.

I think if they could talk, they’d thank me.

- Why? - Why not?

What about you, you ever kill anything?

No, I think killing animals for a sport is wrong.

So you wouldn’t kill an animal. ( scoffs )

- No. - Yeah.

Would you kill a moose that was molesting your wife?

Well, that would be different.

Is it?

I bet you have a teenie weenie peenie!

I’m very uncomfortable now.

- Goodbye. - Wait a minute!

Wait a minute. Wait--I’m sorry about that.

No, you’re fine, you’re fine.

Listen, if you don’t like the trip, I won’t charge you.

Now I just got a few more questions

and we can hit the trail, huh?

All right!

- All right. - Let’s stay, Sydney.

- Oh, okay. - Great, Sydney.

Listen, you ever been on a 100-mile hike

- with a 50-pound pack? - Oh!

- No. - Get up!

Of course you haven’t, you squat sergeant.

Ever free-climbed 1,000-foot vertical cliff

with 60 pounds of gear strapped to your butt?

- No! - Of course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little geek.

Hey, now wait a minute!

Hey, you ever get a grizzly bear in a headlock

and ask him to say "Uncle"?

No, did you?

Yeah. Do you think I was scared?

No, I don’t think you were scared.

So scared I made a tiny poop in my Swiss hiking shorts.

Did you ever strap yourself nude to a mountain

and threaten yourself with a jackhammer?

No.

Of course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little fairy.

Panty-waisted little geek!

How about this, you ever dip your head in hot molten lava

and then just look around for a while?

As a matter of fact, I have.

You fool!

You’d stick your head in a live volcano?

I cannot be held responsible

for your safety in the mountains.

I’ve got to turn you folks down.

- Now get out. - You’re turning us down?

We’re turning you down!

We came up here to enjoy nature,

not to be abused by some sicko maniac!

You are a tiny man.

It’s many men like you that make women turn lesbo.

( laughter )

You can’t prove that.

Wait, honey,

remember what happened to your first wife?

Shut up!

Come on, let’s go! Let’s get out of here!

- I’ve had enough of this. - Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. - You’re a sick man!

It’s not me. It’s not me. It’s these damn mountains.

They do funny things to a man.

( coyote howls )

( applause )

Announcer: Time, your company’s most precious resource.

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by making your employees more productive,

whether you require high-speed data printing,

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letter perfect originals,

or picture perfect copies.

Team Xynex has the answers.

Well, maybe you’d like to talk to the boss, huh?

The Xynex office,

people with time on their hands.

( applause )

*

Don Pardo: And nowWeekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, good evening, and what can I tell you?

Judge Douglas Ginsburg this week,

when asked if he had any advice he would pass on

to future Supreme Court nominees

he said, "As a matter of fact I do.

If they ever asked you if you’ve ever smoked marijuana,

just say no."

( laughter )

In a comprehensive closing statement this week,

Ginsburg said he had only smoked marijuana six times,

never as a judge

and only while watching Cheech & Chong movies.

( laughter )

Since it appears that the most recent Supreme Court nominee,

Anthony Kennedy, is a shoo-in for the position,

the two post-facto nominees, Robert Bork

and Douglas Ginsburg, have announced

that they will go back to their old position

as the Smith Brothers of cough dropping.

And, uh... ( applause )

Ginsburg said he would only be able to dedicate himself

to the cough-drop job part-time

as he has other considerations now that he plays

Michael J. Fox’s father on Family Ties.

And in a related story,

Democratic presidential hopeful Paul Simon today

denied rumors that he picks up a buck on the side

doing commercials under the name Orville Redenbacher.

And in light of the recent Ginsburg revelations,

all the major Republican candidates

in the race for the presidency were quarried

as to whether or not they have ever masturbated.

So far--so far, none of them will go on record

except George Bush, who said he hadn’t

although he once looked at himself in a full-length mirror.

( laughter )

Political observers noted that Gov. Mario Cuomo last week

altered his position on running for the presidency.

He now says that if everyone in the world

got down on their hands and knees

and said, "Please, Mario, please, please,

please be president," then he would.

President Reagan, embarrassed by Ed Meese’s incompetence

involving the Ginsburg nomination,

verbally lambasted the attorney general and his wife

at a White House dinner early this week

by shouting, "I hate the Meeses to pieces!"

( laughter )

A presidential press conference was canceled on Thursday

when President Reagan forgot how to point.

The former church secretary Jessica Hahn has moved

into Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion in Los Angeles.

Hef told friend, "She’s a flying,

God-fearing young woman and she prays like a bunny."

( cheers and applause )

Richard Dreyfuss this week told a film class

in New York’s new school that he longs to play Adolf Hitler,

quote, "As a man who thought he was a hero,

a politician with a sense of humor.

I wanna show him in a way that he thought of himself."

Oh, Richard, put a sock in it.

Surrogate mother Mary Beth Whitehead

and her husband Richard were granted a divorce Thursday

in a New Jersey court.

Custody to their two children

was granted to William and Elizabeth Stern.

Explained Judge Joe McLaughlin, "Hey, I had the go for it,

it was too good a joke, come on, come on."

And now on the home front with some parental advices,

Update’sanswer to June Cleaver,

correspondent Victoria Jackson.

- Hi, Victoria. - Hi.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

It’s very difficult to be a good parent in this day and age

and know what you can give your child

that will ensure their happiness for the rest of their life.

I finally decided that the single most important thing--

a piece of advice that I could give my daughter was this,

"Worship your body, because with a good one,

you can get anything you want."

( laughter )

You could be Paulina, Christie Brinkley

or Vanna or better.

I mean, in America, a tiny waist and a firm butt

will get you a lot more than a diploma.

My daughter Scarlet and I have developed

a scientifically researched program

including these three easy-to-follow steps:

Don’t cry when you’re hungry.

Learn to enjoy that empty feeling.

Two, don’t throw away old baby clothes.

Keep them. The tighter, the better.

If it’s hard to breathe, they’ll eat less.

Number three, diet is not enough.

Follow an exercise program like the one that Scarlet does.

Roll the film, please.

*

( babbling )

( babbling )

( cheers and applause )

Yay, Scarlet.

( clears throat )

Why look like the Pillsbury Doughboy

when you can look like beautiful baby Scarlet?

Just look at her before and after unretouched photos.

( laughter )

The best thing about our program

is you only have to follow it for 25 to 30 years,

and once you’ve achieved fame and fortune, you can just quit

and eat junk food in front of your TV or pool

the rest of your life.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Victoria.

Victoria Jackson. Thank you, dear.

Thank you, dear.

Thank you.

Victoria Jackson, thank you.

Vincent van Gogh’s painting Irisessold this week

at the Sotheby Auction House for a record $53.9 million.

The painting was purchased over the phone by an anonymous buyer

who turned out to be 15-year-old Bobby Lynch

of Trenton, New Jersey, who had unfortunately misdialled

the phone sex number in his area.

( laughter )

Bobby’s dad has since taken on a second job.

You know, I don’t normally recommend Broadway shows,

but I wasn’t sure you knew that about me

so I thought I’d tell you.

( laughter, applause )

ABC this week unveiled its massive production.

Napoleon and Josephine with Armand Assante

and Jacqueline Bissett...

( laughter )

You know, this is the best TV show I ever watched.

( laughter )

For those civilians who are terrified

of taking the AIDS test,

the U.S. government this week announced

that they will soon be administering an AIDS quiz.

Here to set sail--

here to set sail on a sea of misinformation

and a lifeboat of oversimplification

is A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture.

- Hello, Whitney. - Hello, Dennis.

Good job.

Yes.

Thank you. ( clears throat )

I think it’s time to stop carping

on the blunders of the president

and give him some credit for creativity.

I mean, where do you even find

a Jewish hard-lined conservative Republican pot smoker?

( laughter )

Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest.

( laughter )

But you know, when you look at the chaos

in the conservative camp right now,

it’s only too tempting to blame it all on pot.

But in fact, the Reagan revolution owes a lot to reefer.

For one thing, it’s made the symptoms of senility

socially acceptable. ( laughter )

Besides, when you take away the euphoric confusion,

what’s really left of the Reagan magic?

It couldn’t be charisma.

If he had charisma, he could have made it in Hollywood.

No, it was more than that.

It was greed.

Vote for me and I will lower your taxes.

Now that’s great communication.

On the other hand, it takes real moral fiber

to remain a Republican when there’s no money in it.

And things are looking grim on the financial front.

Even worse for the president, they’re getting complicated.

( laughter )

But before we abandon a simple solution

and rush back to reality in a blind panic,

let’s put these economic symptoms into the big picture.

The imports are up, productivity is down,

we’re in debt up to our ears and our banks are reeling

under a load of ill-considered loans with Latin America.

The problem is obvious, pot.

( laughter, applause )

What else comes from a foreign country,

makes you spend more than you earn,

show up late for work, and loan money to Mexicans?

( laughter, applause )

Before we slap quotas on the Japanese

for making cars like their jobs depend on it,

we should check our trade deficit with Colombia.

That won’t be easy since it’s all in small bills.

And let’s get in the real world here.

People are never gonna just say no

to something that’s a cure for PMS.

( laughter )

So now, let’s talk about the farm crisis.

Why should Americans be forced to import

an agricultural substance that our own farmers can grow better

than anyone else in the world?

Our only real choice

is whether those disposable income greenbacks

are gonna go to prop up some puppet in Panama

or to finance some ex-hippie’s new solar-heated hot tub

in Humboldt County.

( cheers and applause )

Plus, if American farmers could grow pot,

we could sell it to the Japanese,

and then the quality of their merchandise

would go down to match ours.

( cheers and applause )

My friends, the seeds of competitiveness

are stored in plastic film cans all over this great country.

Let’s bring them out from under those grow lights

and into the sunshine where they can do us some good,

and that is the big picture.

( cheers and applause )

Sober, sober time.

Thank you.

Whitney Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Thank you, Whitney.

The state appeals court in Texas yesterday,

throughout the drug and gun convictions

for which rock singer David Crosby

spent five months in jail, asked if he was bitter.

Crosby replied, "They can’t give me back

those five months, man, I asked."

New York State Lottery officials said

that your chances of winning the Lotto jackpot

are the same as being struck by lightning three times.

They later clarified the matter

for people who live in New York City

by saying, "The odds of winning

are the same as being spit on by a bomb,

approached by a transvestite prostitute,

and beaten senseless by a foreign-born cab driver

all in the same day."

Let’s see, something else big happened this week,

but you know, I’d be damned if I can remember what it was.

Guess what, folks, that’s the news,

and I am out. ( applause )

*

( indistinct shouting )

( gunshots )

Madame President, the insurgents are moving closer.

I don’t know how long we can hold them off.

Mrs. Aquino, rebels have taken over the radio station,

they’re calling for your execution.

Another coup attempt!

This is the fifth time they’ve tried to assassinate me.

Beauty Bath, take me away.

*

Announcer: Come away to an island of tranquility,

your own private sanctuary of softness.

Surround yourself with a soothing caress

of Beauty Bath.

( gunshots )

Look out!

Oh, gee, that was close.

Madame President, your skin, it’s so soft.

Why, thanks, Guillermo.

Now let’s go beat those rebels.

You’ve got it.

Take a Beauty Bath and take on the world.

( applause )

*

Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for coming.

We enjoyed performing for you.

This is a wonderful group.

( applause )

Thank you.

Bye.

*