Original subtitles

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guests, The Cars.

Special guest, Elvira,

and featuring G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring Dabney Coleman.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dabney Coleman.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much and good night.

( laughter ) Oh, no.

You know, but seriously,

it’s really an honor to be here tonight.

Scary as hell, but hey, it’s Halloween.

I mean, let’s be realistic.

This is a biggie here and when they ask you

to host the Saturday Night LiveShow

that means you’re doing pretty well.

( laughter )

And you know, right now, things are going great for me.

Of course, it only took about a half a century,

but that’s okay.

In a way, I’m actually kind of glad.

I had to wait for success until early middle age.

It’s probably better that I had to wait half my life to make it.

Now my kids, you know, may have had a little bit different life,

maybe gone to better schools, you know, things like that.

But hell they’re growing up now.

They didn’t know the difference.

( laughter )

Still don’t.

And the money--you see now, that’s all mine, you see.

That’s my money now.

I get to spend that money.

( laughter )

What are you, a communist out here?

Now I like that. I really like that.

That makes me happy.

But look, we have a great show

and we’re gonns get right into it, okay.

We have Elvira.

( cheers and applause )

And we have The Cars who were...

( cheers and applause )

not too shabby little group there.

In fact, I have them on my telephone answering machine

in the background there. ( laughter )

He’s gonna take you home--Well, that’s neither here nor there.

Listen, thank you very much and we’ll be right back.

( cheers and applause )

And you could hear him moaning

and dragging the chain up the steps.

"Who took my head?"

And he came down the hall, "Who took my head?"

And then he opened the door and he came into the room,

"Who took my head?"

And then he pulled the covers aside

and he said, "You did it!"

- ( chuckles ) - That wasn’t scary.

- Yeah, it made you jump. - Did not.

- Yes, it did. - Did not.

- Did, did, did, did, did, did. - All right, all right, all right, fellows.

Fellows, please. You’re Boy Scouts, okay?

All right now, does anybody else have a ghost story to tell?

- Who hasn’t told one yet? - Oh, I know one.

- Robert. Yeah, Bobby. Tell them. - Okay. All right.

And this really happened, okay.

My sister’s friend, and she was babysitting these folks

in front of my folk’s house,

and there was a call late at night.

And the guy in the phone said,

"Go upstairs and check on the children.

- They’re dead." - Oh, they’re dead. Yeah.

They’re dead, yeah, I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it.

She calls the police, right?

And then the cops, they tapped the phone line

and when he calls back, the cops say,

"Get out of the house.

He’s hiding the extension."

- Yeah. I heard it. - Okay, okay.

All right, I know another one. I know another one, okay.

My dad knew this lady once

who was driving home alone late at night

- and the car behind her kept flashing the lights. - Oh, flashing the lights!

Yeah, yeah! And it turned out, right?

It turned out there was a guy in the backseat with an axe

who was trying to kill her with his axe, right?

But every time the lights would flash,

he would just duck down behind the seat.

- I heard it. - Okay. All right. Okay.

Mr. Webber, why don’t you tell us one?

No. I don’t know any scary stories.

I can’t remember any.

- Oh, come on! - Come on!

Well, let me think here a minute.

All right, yeah.

I’ll tell you one about the woman

who could change herself into different things.

All right, tell that one.

Well, it was exactly 20 years ago tonight.

It was a dark and stormy night and the wind was howling.

- ( imitates wind howling ) - Yeah, like that. Mm-hmm.

And there was a stranger driving along that little narrow road,

you know, that cuts between the Flat Rock and Canoga River.

And right in that gap at the ridge,

he saw a stalled car, and next to that car,

he saw a beautiful lady in white.

And I mean beautiful and I mean white.

And he offered to give her a ride.

But what he didn’t know is that she was the woman

who could change herself.

Like how?

Well, like one night, she might be a beautiful woman

and then later, she wanted something

she might change into, you know, like a sniveling little,

snarling little, crying little baby

just to get what she wants, you know,

and then if she got what she wanted

and she’d, I mean, she’d just change into an animal.

- Wow. What kind of an animal? - Yeah.

Mean, very mean.

- Is this the story where the hook ends up in the door handle? - No, no, no.

The point is he was blinded by her, blinded by her beauty

and he fell under her power.

Now, it goes on as he gets under the spell

of this girl/woman/animal so much that he married her.

And that was when she really changed.

( laughter )

I mean, she completely let herself go.

She never got out of bed until noon.

She quit wearing all those sexy dresses

and the fancy underwear that she got from someone

and she never took care of her hair.

- Boys: Ew! - Yeah, I know.

But the topper--the topper was when she quit her job.

She said she wanted to be a full-time wife.

So what does she do?

She won’t even allow his best friends into the house.

She throws out his favorite furniture

and goes out and buys a bunch of junk that he hates.

And this is a woman who can’t even balance a checkbook,

but boy, could she spend money.

- Wow. - Spend money and eat.

She got so fat. She looked like some kind of a sea lion.

One time, he just very innocently suggested,

"Honey, why don’t you try losing a little weight?"

And she said, "Hey, hey, I’m just retaining water."

And he said, "I’ll tell you what you’re retaining.

You’re retaining Twinkies at Old Milwaukee.

That’s what you’re retaining."

( cheers and applause )

Now, she said she didn’t have to listen to that kind of stuff.

But he said, "Well, okay.

Just don’t get your butt caught in the door on the way out."

( laughter ) And she said, "You know what?

I think two and a half years in hell is plenty for me."

And that’s the day she lost her power to really change.

From that day on, she always looked the same,

ugly.

And when she and her lawyer got through with him,

he was buried in a hole so deep, he couldn’t breathe.

Oh, is this the story about the man

- who gets buried alive and lives? - Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.

That’s it. Hell, yes.

( laughter ) All right.

A story about the man who gets buried alive,

but--hey kids, there’s a moral to this, okay?

And that moral is women are no damn good.

( laughter )

In fact, why don’t we just say that altogether, okay?

All: Women are no damn good!

One more time.

All: Women are no damn good!

That’s it.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, 20 minutes to sack time.

Okay, fellows, I tell you what.

We got 20 minutes and I want each and every one of you

to sit down before you go to bed and write a letter to your dad.

Okay?

( cheers and applause )

*

Hello, and welcome to The Winning Spirit,

the show that profiles those special individuals

who have surmounted the odds and inspired us all.

Now our scheduled guest, Barry Ripley,

the one-legged soccer player, couldn’t make it tonight.

But Mr. Hal Everett, who is sightless,

has agreed to step in at the last minute.

Thank you so much, Hal.

Yeah. Right.

Well, now, Hal, you lost your sight

in a freak accident, is that right?

Yeah. That’s right.

What’s your name again?

Debra.

Debra, it happened about six years ago.

I don’t really wanna go into the details,

but it was porcupine oriented and--

Mm-hmm. Porcupine oriented, yes.

I’m sure it was a terrible blow.

But now you’ve learned to overcome your blindness,

- haven’t you? - Overcome it?

Uh-huh.

What is that, a joke?

( laughter )

Well, no, I mean, it’s just that I’m sure

you still have a fulfilling life, right?

Doing what?

Listening, listening to a sunset?

( laughter )

Didn’t they tell you, honey, I’m blind, okay?

Hello, blind!

Where are you? Can’t see you.

I understand that, but given everything, now,

isn’t blindness just one more obstacle to overcome?

Yeah, right.

I’ll tell you what,

why don’t you try it for about a day and a half?

Okay. Well, I’m sure it’s very challenging.

But hey, what about the positives?

No, I mean, we’ve had guests

who’ve mentioned special advantages blind people have.

For example, your other senses are heightened, aren’t they?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they’re great.

I can smell a little better now.

That really--really comes in handy on the subway every day.

( laughter )

- Not to mention of the hearing, of course, you know? - Mm-hmm.

So let’s figure this one out. Let’s see.

I can hear crickets chirping a little louder than you can,

and you can see?

Yeah, that sounds fair.

That’s a fair trade-off.

Thanks, God!

Well, of course, nothing could compensate for it.

But I mean, you must be grateful

to have your loyal seeing-eye dog, right?

I mean, isn’t there a special close relationship there

that sighted people just can’t fully appreciate?

Well, first of all, on the dog, he doesn’t like me,

and I don’t like him.

And when it rains, of course, that’s, you know, really great,

because I get to use that enhanced sense of smell

- we were talking about. - Right, I see.

- That’s a wonderful thing. - Right, right.

Well, what about your sense of touch?

Now touch, that must be useful.

Here, I’m gonna grab your hand, okay.

- Now feel my face and tell me what I look like. - No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no! Don’t do that, okay?

That’s like out of some bad movie.

I don’t do that.

- Did I get in your nose? - No!

( laughter )

You mentioned God earlier.

Now you haven’t lost faith in God, have you?

- No, no, no, no. - Good.

I still believe there’s a God, no question about that.

I just hate his guts right now.

( laughter )

All right.

Well, you’re a little bitter, Hal, no doubt about it.

But you haven’t let this stop you

from leading a normal life, huh?

Well, yeah.

I’m pretty much dead in the water, I’d say.

Mostly, I just, you know, hang around the house

- and drink a lot of beer, and that’s about it. - Yeah.

Perhaps you have some advice

for those other handicapped people out there,

something you’d like to say to those who might be asking,

"Why me?"

Well, I guess I could say, you know,

"Join the club, fellas.

We’re screwed.

- Why you? Why me?" - You know something?

You’re a horrible man, you know that?

I mean, a few weeks ago, we had a blind horseshoe pitcher on,

and he was just wonderful!

And then we had a blind skydiver,

and he has managed to adapt

- and he got out there in the world! - They’re insane, okay, honey.

I mean, they’ve got no grip on reality.

Guys, you’re blind, okay? Calm down!

Stop embarrassing the rest of us.

I don’t understand.

What do you people want from us, anyway?

- Well-- - You want us to perform for you, is that it?

- No! - Well, I’ll tell you what.

Why don’t I just do a little dance for you.

- No, stop it, stop it. - Blind man dancing, okay.

- Is that good? - No! Oh, no!

( sobbing )

Stop it!

- Are you crying? - Yes!

Oh, she’s crying, great.

( sighs ) All right, all right, will you stop it?

- Look, I’m sorry. - Okay.

Look, look, I’ll think of something to say

- that’s nice for blind people, okay? - All right, okay.

Something like, "Okay, if you go blind,

it’s not so bad, you get a nice tax thing,

a little deduction there and oh, yeah,

you can look right at an eclipse.

That’s no problem." ( laughter )

Well, that was very inspiring, Hal.

Uh, we’ll be back next week with Tim O’Grady,

the legless, armless songwriter, who I promise is not bitter,

and he’ll make you feel good about your life.

Join us. ( applause )

I know that guy.

*

Announcer: And now,Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Well, it’s official.

Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev yesterday

announced plans to marry on December 7th.

Some of you might scoff at these two young kids

making it, but I think it’s touching.

Love does conquer all, even minor differences

on the Star Wars Defense Initiative.

This December 7th, the summit,

which will ban all medium-range nuclear missiles,

and it’s already hit its first snag,

the National Rifle Association,

has officially protested the treaty

and says its members will continue to own

and carry nuclear missiles,

but only for hunting and self-protection, of course.

This is Reagan’s new Supreme Court nominee,

Judge Douglas Ginsburg.

The fact that there is almost no written record on his views

and opinions has confounded liberal opponents

of Judge Ginsburg.

Weekend Updatehas uncovered some of Ginsburg’s writings,

and I’d like to share them with you right now.

It’s a piece called Howl.

( laughter )

"I saw the best minds of my generation

destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked,

dragging themselves through the Negro streets at dawn,

looking for an angry fix, angel-headed hipsters, burning."

Well, I don’t know, I think this Ginsburg

sounds like a very heavy cat,

and I think he’s gonna make a groovy justice.

( laughter )

And another wild week for stocks,

as Cale Yarborough overcame Richard Petty

to win the Talladega 500 NASCAR race.

Vice President George Bush,

who has been looking to stake out his own political identity,

finally broke with President Reagan

for the first time this week.

Speaking in Iowa, Bush said that he believes a president

should work hard and know what’s going on.

According to White House sources,

Vice President Bush last night said he had a dream,

and he was a dashing buccaneer who sailed the Spanish Main,

rescuing maidens in distress and seizing treasure

which he distributed to the poor.

But when Mr. Bush awoke this morning,

he was still vice president,

the Barney Fife of world politics.

In a valiant effort to fight off the wimp label,

Vice President George Bush has announced that,

for the rest of the campaign,

he’s changing his name to George Butch.

As a public service, tonight’s Weekend Update

will have no stories about Jessica Hahn, Donna Rice,

Fawn Hall or Tammy Faye Bakker.

It’s nothing personal.

It’s just, enough is enough, okay, girls?

( applause )

No, no, what the hell am I doing?

You know--

Michael Jackson’s pet chimp, Bubbles,

this week offered to pay $1 million

for the remains of John Merrick’s dog,

the Elephant Benji.

The degenerative leniency that continues

to erode the credibility of the California legal system

was evident again this week when a man was acquitted

in an L.A. murder trial after entering a plea

of cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Another near miss in the sky,

earlier tonight, a Pan Am jumbo jet

came within 50 feet of a witch on a broomstick

over Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.

The federal government has gone ahead

and allocated funds commissioning the building

of a network of houses across the country

which will attend to elderly people

beginning to suffer from minor memory lapses.

The so-called Ronald McReagan Houses

will open in the spring of 1988.

Champion Garry Kasparov and challenger Anatoly Karpov

both stormed out of the 7th game

of the World Chess Championship Match

in Seville, Spain, yesterday.

Instead of riding out the tantrums, as per usual,

the World Chess Federation

brought in two replacement players to finish the game.

Kasparov lost when his replacement,

Jim Bob Booker, tried to jump Karpov’s king.

You know, I know there’s a trend towards frightening realism

in children’s Halloween costumes,

but I think it’s gone way too far.

Imagine my terror

when I answered my door earlier this evening,

to find one of the little neighborhood kids

dressed as Joan Collins’ estranged husband, Peter Holm.

And the kid was really nasty.

I gave him some Milk Duds, and he said that wasn’t enough,

he also wanted the house.

And tomorrow’s big event

is the 18th Annual New York City Marathon,

while I’m not much for exercise to commemorate the event,

I am going to get up early and jog my memory.

Hey. Guess what folks?

That’s the news and I am out of here.

( cheers and applause )

Well, Gary and Marybeth,

I’m glad you two have sought professional counseling.

That says to me that you’re both committed

to working out your differences to save your marriage.

Well, Doctor, I got to admit, coming here was her idea.

Well, maybe so, Gary.

But you came here, and to me, that says everything.

I mean, marriage is like a garden.

It takes a lot of work. It needs nurturing.

But hey, you’ve gotten over the toughest part.

I mean, you’ve walked through that door,

and that says to me you’re in my office.

Okay, let’s talk.

Dr. Mauser, it is such a relief,

finally, to get this out in the open

- in front of an objective third party. - Uh-huh.

Now God knows I’ve tried to talk to Gary,

but there’s no communication!

I’m talking to myself!

Well, you see, that’s exactly why I’m here,

to listen, and to help you hear each other.

That’s music to my ears, Doctor.

Now what am I feeling? I’m--

I feel neglected.

The kids feel neglected.

Gary works late, he works weekends.

- And when he’s not working, he’s out golfing! - Mm-hmm.

I see.

What--now what’s your handicap?

( laughter )

- Five. - Five? So is mine.

- Oh, no kidding? - We ought to play sometime.

He takes no responsibility at home.

It’s as if he’s a complete stranger!

He treats the house like it’s a hotel!

Yeah, yeah, it’s all my fault, right? It’s all me!

Honey, I’m just trying to explain to Dr. Mauser

- that I-- - Look, honey, uh,

Dr. Mauser doesn’t need things explained to him, okay?

Now, Gary, I’m sensing you’re feeling unappreciated.

Well, yeah, I do feel unappreciated,

- now that you mention it. - Okay. I’m on the right track. Okay.

Call me Dick, if you want to.

- Dick, I work hard for a living. - Uh-huh.

- You bust your butt, I’m sure. - Oh, yeah! Yeah!

And I, you know, I come home,

and there’s no, "Hi, honey, how was your day?"

- There’s no dinner on the table. - Well, you come home at 3 a.m.!

Sweetheart, will you give it a rest?

Huh?

Now you were saying, Gary?

I was saying that I work hard and--

- I work hard. - Very hard.

- Long hours and you’re beat, you need sympathy... - Yeah.

a little validation, and she doesn’t seem to get that.

I mean, with her, it’s all of me, me, me, me thing, right?

It just so happens that she finds it hard to sympathize

with a man that thinks nothing

of shooting skeet in the backyard!

We have small children running around!

Now, am I crazy to set up a few simple rules?

- See, this is what I have to put up with right here. - No, no.

But wait a--wait a minute. Is this true, Gary?

You shoot skeet in your backyard?

Well, Jason loves it.

Justin! Your son’s name is Justin!

Hey, hey. Jason, Justin, what difference does it make, okay?

Skeet shooting in your own backyard?

I mean, what kind of gun do you use?

- Well, I just bought a new 12-gauge Remington. - Oh, really?

- Yeah. - Do you prefer that to the Winchester?

Oh, no comparison!

- It’s got good balance, got real knock down power. - Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! You sit your big, fat butt down, okay!

( laughter )

Well, I beg your pardon, Doctor!

I came here to salvage what is left of my marriage!

Now when he slinks home at all hours in the morning,

stinking of gin and jungle gardenia,

am I paranoid to think that you’re sleeping

with your 23-year-old secretary?

Now, wait, wait a minute once again.

Now that’s a very serious accusation.

Is this true, Gary?

Well, actually, she’s 22.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew I’m not imagining things!

"I knew it! I knew it! I’m not imagining things!"

Crissy is unbelievable, man. She thinks I’m a god!

- Yeah? - Yeah.

What, legs up to what, about here?

( laughs ) Yeah.

And hooters that just won’t quit.

Yeah. I get that. ( laughs )

You son of a gun.

Oh, look, look, look, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let’s get on track.

Okay, I got to apologize here,

because we’re getting off the subject a little bit.

Let’s use the old Democratic process, shall we, all right?

Why don’t we just say all of those

that think Gary is right

and that, you know, that she is wrong.

Why don’t we just raise our right hands right now?

Gary! Gary!

Both: Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary!

Gentlemen!

Well, what is it?

This is not exactly the objective forum I was seeking

when I decided to get some marital help.

So I will leave you now to measure your penises!

( laughter )

Good day!

( door slams )

Wow.

Gary...

let me ask you a question, okay?

Sure, Dick, shoot.

Do you think the Yankees did the right thing

hiring Billy Martin back?

Hey, I don’t think that was their problem.

I think they need a good left-handed pitcher.

( applause )

- Oh, it’s good. - Look at it.

- I hate my body. - It’s good.

- Look at it. It’s awful. - Your body is good.

Okay, everybody. Let’s have a seat, all right.

Shall we get started?

Now I don’t think I have to tell you

that as a student council of a brand-new high school,

you people have a lot of responsibility.

I hope you’ve all been thinking about this mascot question now

’cause we’ve got a deadline here.

The football team needs to order uniforms

and the bookstore needs to order book covers, decals, and so on.

So we need to decide

what the school symbol our mascot is gonna be?

All right, Sandy, yeah.

Well, we were all talking

and the only one we all like was the tigers.

Tigers, yeah, not bad except for one thing,

you know, there’s already a school with the nickname Tigers.

In fact, it’s only about a mile and a half from here,

the Jefferson High School Tigers.

- That’s right. - So you know, when we played them in a game,

- it would be The Tigers against The Tigers. - Yeah.

Yeah, well, then it could be, you know, good.

It could be like a tiger fight.

( laughter )

Yeah, right.

- Oh, oh. - Yeah?

What if we were The Screaming Tigers?

Well, it’s a thought,

but that does that really solve the problem here?

What-- You know, I don’t get that.

Why would the Tigers be screaming?

Well, they wouldn’t be screaming anything,

but they’ll be like these lions coming out of their mouth.

Yeah, but that could look like a lot of things.

That could look like he was coughing.

- Why would a tiger be coughing? - Well, why would he be screaming?

- ’Cause he’s mad, ’cause he’s gone extinct. - Ew!

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Flaming Tigers.

( sighs ) Yeah.

Again, I think we should get off these tigers

for the moment, okay?

Craig, what? Do you have something else?

Okay, well, I was thinking about The Communists.

- The Communists. - Yeah.

- The Communists, The Commies. - Yeah, and you can’t stop them

and they just go around conquering everything.

Ah. Oh, boy.

I think I’d have to say no to that one. Yeah.

- Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, okay. - Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I think they ought to be original, right?

- Yeah. - And I’ve done some research

and I think that we ought to be called The Capybaras.

The Capybaras?

Yes, sir.

Well, honey, I don’t think I’m familiar with that.

Okay, wait a minute. Let me show you.

Oh, okay, shut here. Okay. Okay.

It’s the largest rodent in the world, right.

It’s found in South America and it can run,

- but it also loves to fight. - Uh-huh.

Well, now, would people really know what that was?

You know, we can have an assembly

and explain it to everybody, like an orientation sort of.

Yeah, but remember, you know,

a lot of parents might be confused too.

Well, we could ask them to come to the assembly too.

Well, then you got to remember also,

- most parents have to work. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Well, we could videotape the assembly

and then the parents who couldn’t get off work,

they could just copy the tape and look at the tape.

- Never mind. - How about The Millionaires.

( sighs )

Okay, let’s stop and think what mascot means, okay?

I mean, it should be a mythic symbol

that inspires our loyalty and encourages achievement

whether it beyond the athletic field or in the classroom, okay?

The Dogs.

( laughter )

Oh, oh, oh.

What about Marty’s idea, The Frozen Caveman?

That is so weird.

Yeah, well, it has to be something mean and strong.

Well, okay. What about The Strong Fighters?

The Strong Fighters, huh?

Yeah.

( laughter )

- Strong. - How would you illustrate that, Craig?

Well, okay.

It could be just like a guy getting punched out,

you know, just get beat up royal.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Look, why don’t we just think this thing through, okay, Craig?

( screams )

Forget it, Marty. They don’t like the idea.

Marty. ( laughter )

Okay, I’ve got one.

- No, I’m too-- - What is it?

- No. You’ll think it’s stupid. - No, we won’t, we won’t. What is it?

Okay. What if we call ourselves The Super Winners?

( laughter )

Now see that’s really dumb.

( laughter )

That was my mom’s idea.

All right, let’s compromise. The Flaming Eagles.

No!

- The Sculptors. - What about the Cover Girls?

- Doors? - The Flaming Mafia.

Oh, what is that?

- The Titanics. - No! The Ram Boats.

- I don’t see what’s wrong with the Capybaras, you guys. - The Snipers.

*

Announcer: Three weeks later, the East Mont Flaming Envelopes

lost their season opener to the Jefferson Tigers.

The following Monday, a school-wide referendum

was held to choose a new name.

The Sex Machines then went on to make the division playoffs

by beating the Hill Crest Unskilled Labors,

only to be eliminated

by the Western Disoriented Nude Women, 10-7.

( applause )

Announcer: It’s thePat Stevens’ Show with your host, Pat Stevens.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Hello, everybody. I’m Pat Stevens.

Welcome to the Pat Stevens’ Show.

Life is harried, isn’t it?

And sometimes we just need to get away

and we can always do it.

So let’s try something that works for me.

It’s called the out-of-body experience.

Now, let’s place our knees in a locked position here,

ready to go.

Lean back. Yes.

Let the eyelids get lazy and think of a feather.

I’m a feather.

I’m a feather and I’m off now.

I’m floating up, going up now, soaring up.

Up, uptown the little shops on Madison Avenue,

perhaps swooping down to pick up that bracelet

or that beaded belt, remembering you’re a feather now,

blowing, blowing, blowing out now.

Let’s go over the ocean.

And we’re floating now over Italy

and swooping down to Milan to pick up

that little polo neck cap sleeved sweater.

And I’m swooping now so fast I’m going over to Paris for shoes.

Yes, shoes, shoes, shoes!

I’ll think take those little sling bags.

Oh, I’m loaded down now with bags and boxes,

getting heavy now.

Coming in for my landing and blow it out,

we’re back.

Oh, I went away, didn’t I?

( laughter )

You know, sometimes it’s just got to be about the soul.

We’re ready now for our guest, a very special man,

the owner of Lyle’s Furrier.

Welcome, Jerry Lyle!

( applause )

Hi.

- How are you doing? You look great. - Oh, thank you.

- You’re so kind. - Gosh, I had a great time last night.

I’ll tell you that. Am I allowed to say that on TV?

The cat’s out of the bag.

We had dinner last night, and I love Chinese.

Yeah, and their food in bed either.

( both laugh )

I’ll bet it’s not easy to find a fury furrier with it.

- You got me so well. - That can talk.

A furrier with a sense of humor.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

- So down to business. - Yeah.

- First, you’re back in fashion now. - Yes.

They’re sold this season as they were last.

Yes, absolutely, yeah.

Fur has made a definite comeback,

although it’s never really gone out of fashion.

You know, my business certainly never suffered,

but to everyone’s designing now,

- all the collector lines include fur. - That’s so fascinating.

That’s--so you know, it’s a very smart investment too.

It’s absolutely chic.

I think the full-length fur is essential now

with the return of the miniskirt.

Oh, speaking of the minis, how high of hemline

do you think I could take?

Well, I’ll tell you, just off the top of my head,

I’d say very high.

I mean, you don’t wanna hide, you know,

keep those legs a secret.

Oh, thank you, thank you. I’m a former model.

Yeah.

- I remember you mentioned that last night. - Yes.

Now fur makes a wonderful gift, doesn’t it?

I suppose that and a diamond is just about all a woman needs.

Well, you know, I can’t argue with that, you know.

If you want a woman’s undivided attention,

you just drop a fur on her and see what happens.

Well, call me an animal, but I love a chinchilla.

Yeah.

Well, what’s your favorite fur this year?

Fox, I think, you know, is very popular, white fox, silver fox.

Women are wearing sable jackets and let me say this, you know,

I’m not one of those people who go around clubbing baby seals.

Oh, I love clubbing.

- I can rumba till the cows come home. - Yeah.

You know, there’s all this flap about fur.

Well, is fur inhumane?

Absolutely not, no, animals are not endangered,

our parks are full of pigeons and squirrels.

You wouldn’t catch me dead wearing a squirrel.

And I’m getting a little bit tired of this guilt trip

these animal lovers are laying on all those things, you know,

- people who wear furs have no conscience and things like that. - So am I.

No one ever heard of them minx until we made a stole out of it.

- Exactly! - Well, you know what?

I’m finding that we have an awful lot in common.

You know, I have a feeling you’re a very deep lady, huh?

- How do you feel about-- - People say that.

( chuckles ) How do you feel about caging?

Very strongly.

- Tonight? - Absolutely.

- Okay. - Well, they’re waving at me.

We’ve got to go now much to my sugar in.

Bye-bye now. I’m Pat Stevens.

And I’m Jerry Lyle.

You’ve been watching The Pat Stevens’ Show

with your host, Pat Stevens.

( phone rings )

Lambert & Fitch.

No, Mr. Hudnut is out to lunch.

( chuckles ) Yeah, you have to these days.

Okay, bye.

- Hi, Mr. Hudnut. - Hi.

You got about 18 calls and--

Oh, listen, if Ted Rifkin calls, tell him I’m not here, okay.

Ted Rifkin, all right? I’m out.

Oh, Ted, hey. Hi, buddy!

How are you? Oh, he’s right in here, honey.

Why didn’t you tell me, you little devil?

Now that’s exactly what I needed to see you know that,

a friendly face.

We have to talk!

- Yeah, let’s talk, okay. - Good, now when you--

But listen, before we start,

let me just throw something at you, okay?

Christmas, the condo in Vail, your family and mine.

I’m going. I got to go and Helen, you know, and the kids.

I’ve got to be there, but if you don’t go,

it’s a joke.

- You can stuff your condo, Bob! - Well, think about it.

I mean, you don’t have to answer it right now,

but we’re gonna get you out there.

You know, you told me

to take out a $200,000 home equity loan on my house

- and sneak it into the market, right? - I hear you.

In the last two weeks, I have lost $78,000, $78,000!

I now have to sell my house

because you looked me in the eye,

and you promised me

the stock market will go up to 3,600 points.

- I’ve lost $78,000! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What is this about?

I mean, is this about money?

I mean ’cause I know you.

I know what you’re about.

I’ve been in your house,

I’ve met your wife, I’ve met your kids.

- I am gonna have-- - So don’t tell me this is about cash, Ted.

I am gonna have to sell my house.

Look, look, okay. Just sit down.

Sit down and take a breath,

and let’s get to the bottom of this, all right?

Now, what is this about?

What, is it a personal thing?

Are we all right?

’Cause you know, that means more to me

than any money you or I lost,

and you know, we’re both on the same boat.

Oh, so you’re telling me three weeks ago,

you bought 4,000 shares of IBM?

Hm, listen, Ted.

If you wanna know what I think,

I think I know why you came over here.

- You came over here for me, didn’t you? - No!

Now, don’t answer that.

We don’t have to get sentimental here.

But I’m in a little trouble here, you know that.

I mean, you know, this is not a victory for me.

This is not a V-J Day for me here, but I’ll tell you,

I’ve got clients here that-- they saw this thing and, boom!

They’re right out the door. You know Bernie.

Well, Bernie, you know, called me today, chewed me up,

but that’s Bernie, you know.

You’re a giant and he’s panic.

I could hear it in his voice over the damn phone.

But then a guy like you walks in here

and I remember why I got into this business

in the first place.

I’ll tell you something though,

when this job starts being just dollars and cents,

that’s when I go to that condo and I don’t come back.

Look, just sell my stock, Bob, all right?

I want out.

Ted, you know how much money was lost in the market

in the last three weeks?

$500 billion.

How much did you lose?

$78,000.

Ted...

You want some coffee?

No. Let’s stay on this, okay.

$78,000, all right, 78 grand.

Now, what happened to that money?

I don’t know.

I mean, ’cause I think that’s what’s on your mind,

is, "Where is my $78,000?"

- Am I close? - Well, yeah.

Well, where did this money go?

Hell, I don’t know.

But you got to remember the stock, okay?

I mean you still have the stock.

And what are stocks?

Pieces of a company.

That company didn’t go anywhere.

It’s the same company, the same factories.

The value is still there.

The money is gone, but the value is still there.

Thank God.

Well, listen to me. You have my money.

You have the rest of my money! I want it!

- I want my money. - Hey, Ted, Ted, Ted, wait a minute.

( sighs )

Ted, I’m gonna do something I’ve never done before, okay?

I could get in a little trouble over this,

but I trust you, okay?

I got a tip today on something that--

well, let me make it short.

I want you to sell your IBM and sink it all into Bio Chem,

reduced commission.

Look me in the eye, Ted.

Bio Chem.

No. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

What do you want me to say?

That I don’t know what I’m doing?

Okay, all right. I don’t know what I’m doing.

But you know that and I know that.

I know something else too.

Some people belong in the stock market

and some people just don’t.

Now I think you’re one of those people, you just don’t.

Bonds, tax-free municipals.

Okay, look. I tell you what I’m gonna do.

Look, if it’s all right with you,

I’m just gonna cash you out right now, okay?

Okay.

Okay, what do we have here?

All right, 22-- we’ll just round that off, okay.

I’ll go with you to the bank.

- I’d like to do that if you don’t mind, okay? - Okay.

You see, everything is handled properly.

- Is that all right with you, pal? - Yeah, thanks.

Okay, there you go.

- Thanks. - Let’s go right over there right now.

Oh, and listen, I’m dead serious about Christmas,

you and Barbara.

- Francine. - Francine and the kids.

( cheers and applause )

*

Real quick, got to say thank you to everybody up here

and the cast, and everybody, okay.

Happy Halloween! Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

*