Original subtitles

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guest, L.L. Cool J and The Pull.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring Sean Penn.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Penn.

( cheers and applause)

Thank you. Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Announcer: Attention, please.

During tonight’s performance,

the taking of photographs is strictly prohibited.

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

I’d like to thank L.L. Cool J for playing my lover in jail.

( cheers and applause )

But nothing like that ever happened in jail,

not that I didn’t have some opportunities.

But I wanna make that clear,

because I think there’s enough weird conceptions

about me already.

I guess that the biggest one is that, uh,

that I’m married to Madonna.

- Man: Yeah! - I wish.

( laughter )

And, uh, the other

is that I punch out photographers everywhere I go.

Yeah, in my dreams.

I do, though-- I do have a deep resentment

against photographers,

but there’s a real good reason for that.

( piano music plays ) ( sighs )

( laughter )

It goes back to when I was a kid in Hollywood,

and a roving gang of celebrity photographers

raided and burned our home.

( laughter )

I don’t know, I must have been about 4 or 5 at the time,

but I still remember my father waking me and my brothers up

and telling us, "Run from the house,

and don’t return until the celebrity photographers

had gone."

We lost everything in that fire.

And I’ll never forget the picture that splashed

across the newspapers,

"Malibu Family Flees Burning House."

And, why?

Because it was a slow news day.

Well, maybe someday I’ll forget that terrible night,

and, if I do, that’s the day you’ll see my smiling face

on the cover of the New York Post.

Until then, you’ll be seeing this.

( applause )

We have a great show, so stick around.

We’ve got L.L. Cool J, and the Pull.

We’ll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

( bells tolling )

*

Announcer: Wall Street Week is made possible by grants

from Ballhorne Investment.

At Ballhorne, your future’s in the bag.

And High-Risk Securities.

When you’re investing the money you don’t absolutely need.

And The Diversified Group.

Your money’s safe with us

unless the whole thing collapses.

Produced Friday, October 23rd.

Our panelists are Tony Stepanich,

Colin Hutchinson, Jane Wickham, and Steven Babcock.

Our special guest is Future Man.

( coughs )

Good evening, I’m Lewis Bruckheisser.

Well, it’s been an up and down week on Wall Street.

The bulls who had ridden the rollercoaster to its peak

after gorging themselves on the cotton candy

of overvalued issues... found themselves Monday

caught in a nauseating plummet down the rickety rails

of panic selling.

And some who stood up on the roller coaster

despite the repeated warnings were decapitated.

Others who failed to lock the thing

that swings down over the waist

of fiscal restraint were hurled headlong

into the spook house of bankruptcy.

All to the restraints of the demented

that is the federal deficit.

That’s the kind of week it was.

Our first guest is someone who knows a thing or two

about roller-coaster rides.

He is Tony Stepanich, operator of the Wild Loose Roller Coaster

at Playland in Rye, New York.

Tony, I wanna thank you for helping me

with my introductory notes.

Yeah, no problem, Lew.

Also with us is Colin Hutchinson,

a partner with the investment firm

of Lambert Fitch and Taylor.

Welcome back, Colin. How are you?

I’m fine, Lewis. Why wouldn’t I be?

Now Colin, you’re advising the small investor

to stay in the market.

Well, yeah, there’s nothing to be worried about,

everything’s gonna be fine.

This was just a much-needed correction, Lew.

There’s nothing to get upset about.

We’ve been through much worse. What about the Great Depression?

That was much, much worse, wasn’t it?

It’s all those guys buying up all those condos on 5th Avenue.

They’re probably panicking,

but they’d be crazy to sell, wouldn’t they?

Well, I think that some of them might have to sell

to meet their margin costs.

I know that! Why am I on trial here?

It’ll bounce back. It’s got to!

( laughter )

It’s--It’s just that there’s too much at stake,

too many people have too much at stake.

Lew, my friend, help me!

Yes, yes, all right.

Let’s turn to someone who is taking a contrary view,

Jane Wickham, securities analyst for Seagull and Wright.

Now you’re a little more bearish than Colin.

Yes, I am, Lewis.

We’re taking a very conservative posture here.

This is certainly not a time to panic, okay?

Now we are urging our clients with assets in the market

to sell off these assets as quickly as possible

for whatever they can get.

And we would also urge the small investor

to stop by his bank Monday morning,

say, about 7, 7:30,

and withdraw whatever savings he may have tied up

in savings account, certificates of deposit,

checking, Christmas club, what have you.

Now wouldn’t this tend to cause a run on the banks?

Well, that’s why I’m saying to go down regularly

and to tell absolutely no one of their plans.

Well, do you see any sound investments out there?

Yes, Lewis, we like bottled water, okay?

Canned foods, propane, rural real estate.

We’re also, uh--

We’re recommending shotguns for defense

against the marauding bands of angry intercity youth--

I’m frightened people, don’t you understand this!

I’m frightened, frightened!

- Our next guest-- - Don’t leave me!

- Don’t leave me, do you understand? - No...

-Don’t leave me! -I’m--I’m right here.

I’m right here.

Our next guest is-- or should I say was--

the dean of Whiz Kids on Wall Street.

Steven Babcock is a graduate of Choate, Princeton,

the Wharton School of Finance, and at the age 24,

pioneered the highly-- highly controversial practice

of trading on margin leveraged options

on stock index futures.

Now Steven, you’ve suffered every investor’s nightmare,

losing every cent you own,

and yet, you seem to be in good spirits.

Well, Lewis,

following last Monday’s carnage on the floor,

I repaired to a certain Wall Street watering hole

where a substantial quantity of liquid refreshment

was consumed and a gratifying level

of inebriation was achieved.

Yes. I was sorry to hear about your wife.

Yes, she left me

taking certain recreational pharmaceuticals

with her.

And given my current situation,

they would have proved most useful in mood management.

( laughter )

However, with the aid of a neighborhood vendor

of bottled fluid intoxicants,

I was able to maintain a state of profound insobriety

throughout the aforementioned ordeal.

So it is your plan to stay drunk

until the market turns around?

Oh, steady as she goes, Lewis.

All right, very well.

Now, why don’t we go over and meet our special guest.

( cheers applause )

He’s a man who has outperformed the market

with uncanny regularity,

our visitor from the year 2013, Future Man.

Now Future Man, your market performance

has been nothing short of spectacular

and it is certainly worth reviewing.

Now then you bought here and then you sold here

and you bought here, sold here, bought, sold, bought, sold,

bought, sold, bought, sold, and so on.

Now Future Man, what is your basic investment strategy?

Read old newspapers.

Go back in time, buy low, sell high.

Mm-hmm.

Excellent strategy, excellent indeed.

Excuse me, would you be so kind as to direct me

to the nearest porcelain convenience?

Uh, yes, right that way.

Okay.

Now Future Man, given the grave state of the marketplace,

perhaps you could break precedent

and share a hot tip or two with our viewers.

As I have said many times before,

I do not give investment advice.

It would alter history.

Please, give it to me man. Help me just this once.

I won’t ask again. Please help me.

Sorry, no can do.

Future Man, will I ever have children?

(gunshot)

Well, what was that?

Our inebriated colleague, young Mr. Babcock, just shot himself.

Now, why didn’t you stop him, Future Man?

I didn’t like him.

I was always glad he killed himself.

Right, well, I guess our roller-coaster ride

has jolted to a rather macabre end.

I’d like to thank our guests--

Hey, Lew, can I tell you something?

The best thing you got happening on this show is future.

I don’t even know why you booked these cry babies.

Future Man, that’s your show, dude.

Thank you, Tony.

- Tony, a word of advice. - Yeah.

- Get out of the carnival. - Right.

And I’ll be seeing you next week,

but hopefully the roller coaster

will have become a graceful gondola

sailing into the tunnel of love that is the economic recovery.

Future Man, I’m asking you one more time,

please help me, just please help me.

( cheers and applause )

Announcer: What qualities make an investment firm number one?

Determination, the will to succeed.

Aggressiveness...

a fierce drive to compete and win.

Instinct, knowing the right moment to strike.

Tenacity...

holding on when others let go.

Cold-bloodedness...

indifference to the suffering of those who stand in your way.

Pitman and Bullock,

put the power of the pitbull to work for you.

( cheers and applause )

*

Don Pardo: And now,Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Judge Robert Bork, not one to wallow in his misery,

has moved on from yesterday’s 58 to 42 defeating the Senate.

He’s already in the midst of a lucrative advertising career,

and his first assignment,

the new guy on the Quaker Oats box.

( cheers and applause )

After the Bork turned on, President Reagan’s staff

prepared a list of new nominees for his consideration.

The list includes Judge J. Clifford Wallace

of San Diego, California,

Judge Pasco M. Bowman of Kansas City, Missouri,

Judge Laurence Silberman of Washington, D.C.,

Judge Patrick E. Higginbotham of Dallas, Texas,

and Judge Reinhold of Beverly Hills Cop 2.

The defeat of Judge Bork leaves the Supreme Court

with still only eight justices.

The problem was apparent yesterday

when the court again voted 4-4

on the question of how to break a tie.

( laughter )

Secretary of State George Shultz reported from Moscow yesterday

that Soviet Leader Mikhail Gorbachev has refused

to set a date for the summit meeting with President Reagan

until differences over Star Wars are settled.

However, Shultz and Gorbachev did agree that in late November,

they would have a certs encounter

in the back of a cab.

Wall Street went through more mood swings

than a PMS victim this week.

I, fortunately, was not affected

as all my money is tucked safely away

in Wheel of Fortune gift certificates.

This is one of those graphs you’ve been seeing all week

that tries to show what happened in the stock market disaster.

I’ll try to explain it to you in layman’s terms,

if you can move in on this.

There’s where the market started on Monday.

It plummeted past the little girl in the well,

then down here past Geraldo Rivera’s ethics,

There’s the Titanic.

There’s Andrew Ridgley’s Career.

That’s Hitler in Hell and at bottom down here,

the ratings for CBS’ West 57th Show.

( cheers and applause )

Yeah, Wall Street experts blame Monday’s record plunge

on Mickey Rooney.

Here now are the thoughtful insight

on the stock market situation is our very own Kevin Nealon.

Hello, Kevin.

Hey, Dennis.

You know, if we learned only one thing

from this past week on Wall Street,

it’s that money isn’t everything,

and that’s the point I’m trying to make tonight,

money isn’t everything.

You know, a lot of people measure success

by the amount of money they have,

or the buildings they own or the stocks.

I don’t agree.

I think a good sign of success is like when you have women

walking around your house that you don’t know

and they’re wearing your shirts and using your car,

but you don’t care.

You see, it’s important that you live for the moment.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

that’s what I’m really trying to say.

You should live for the moment.

Forget what I said before about money isn’t everything.

I was just-- I was grabbing at straws there.

No, no, you should live for the moment,

that’s what I’m really trying to say tonight.

Because things could be a lot worse.

I remember reading about how bad the economy was

in Europe 40 years ago,

people were starving and, you know,

really going through tough times.

Now I don’t know what they were complaining about,

at least they’re in Europe.

I’ve never even been to Europe before.

( laughter )

See, some people just don’t appreciate what they have.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait.

That’s what I’m really trying to say.

Some people don’t appreciate what they have.

Forget about that money isn’t everything stuff

and you’ve got to live for the moment.

I’ll be honest with you,

I was just talking off the top of my head, really.

No, no.

Some people don’t appreciate what they have

is what I’m really trying to say.

And they should, especially when it comes to their health,

’cause, you know, you don’t know what’s gonna happen.

You could wake up tomorrow and have Alzheimer’s disease

or, you know, anything.

You don’t know.

Now wasn’t that a coincidence that Lou Gehrig

got Lou Gehrig’s Disease?

( laughter )

I mean, what are the odds?

Now Alzheimer’s, I don’t know who he played for,

but you know, that was a terrible one too.

You see, you can never be too careful.

That’s what I’m really trying to say.

You can never be too careful.

Forget about all that other garbage I was saying,

that was just a turkey shoot, I’ll be honest with you.

No, you can never be too careful is what I’m really trying to say

especially when it comes to your money.

I think the safest investment is real estate.

My uncle just bought a farm in upstate New York,

it’s just a small farm, half an acre, you know,

which really kind of presents a problem for him

’cause he’s got about 800 heads of cattle.

( laughter )

He has to stack them to get them all on

but you know, where there is a will, there is a way.

That’s what I’m really trying to say.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Thank you.

Thank you, Kevin. ( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you, Kevin.

Here’s an update on the number of U.S. vessels

in the Persian Gulf area.

12 battleships, 3 aircraft carriers,

3 carrier support groups, 26 warships, 55 barges,

88 special operations units,

plus maintenance and supply ships.

We have so many boats over there

that the water level has risen high enough

to cause overflowing in the Persian Gulf

and flood the Iranian missile sites.

On Monday of this week,

President Reagan gave the go ahead

for a U.S. military missile attack

on a so-called strategic site,

a small oil derrick in the Persian Gulf.

Reagan said if the Iranians continue to mess with us,

he would have no compunction at all

about ordering future strikes at equally strategic targets

including the windmill hole

at the Tehran miniature golf course.

This week, the navy revealed plans

to send trained dolphins into the Persian Gulf

to seek out Iranian underwater mines.

Should the plan hit a snag, though,

the navy has a foolproof backup systems,

Don Knotts as The Incredible Mr. Limpet.

( laughter )

A footnote to that navy dolphin story,

the navy announced, quote, "We do not train marine mammals

to perform task which could result in injury

or death to the animal."

However, the navy said it could not be responsible

for any trouble the dolphins got into during shore leave.

This week, Bernhard Goetz was sentenced to six months

in the Rikers Island Prison for shooting four U’s

who tried to rob him on a New York City subway

in December 1984.

When asked whether he’d do it again

under the same set of circumstances,

Goetz said he would, but he added

that he would then rob them after he had shot them

and hopes that the New York Court System

would be lenient on him too.

( laughter, applause ) Vice, uh--

Vice President George Bush this week

visited little Jessica McClure who is recovering nicely--

hi, Jessica-- in a Midland Texas hospital.

Asked if the visit was a campaign event,

Bush said, "No, I just wanted to meet somebody else

who’s been in the dark as long as I have."

( laughter )

When, uh-- ( applause )

When asked what she thought

of being visited by the vice president,

Jessica said, "I think he’s a wimp.

There’s no way we can turn the country over to that man."

Bush was, of course, visibly moved,

saying, "This is what America is."

Asked what he meant by that, he said, "The rock was hard,

but they heard the voice and they wouldn’t give up."

Oh, I thought he meant America is an unfunded day care center

where kids are left to roam free

and fall on to unprotected wells.

Gavin MacLeod was in the news this week,

but not on my time.

From our Papal File Visit this week,

last summer, when John Paul II visited Los Angeles, California,

in addition to blessing the masses,

he also met with the Delorentos film group

to discuss the spring 1988 release

of his new film Robo Pope.

( laughter )

And remember, tonight at 2 a.m.,

set your clock back one hour to 1 a.m.

But I warn you, an hour later, it’ll be 2 a.m. once more

and you’ll have to do it again, and again, and again, and again.

Guess what folks, that’s the news and I am out.

( cheers and applause )

*

( moaning )

- Oh, Gary. - Oh, Susan.

- Oh, Gary. - Oh, Susan.

- Oh, Gary.

( glass shatters )

Marge: Woo-hoo, Susan?

Hello? Is that you?

Oh, well, I thought I heard you come in.

Hello, hello, hello. ( chuckles )

How was your friend’s wedding?

- It was really nice. - Oh.

They made up their own vows.

Oh, what did they say?

Uh, they said-- she said she wouldn’t leave him.

He said he wouldn’t leave her and then they left.

- Oh. - Don: Marge, are you down there with someone?

Yes, I am, honey.

Gary just brought Susan back from the wedding reception.

- Bring the camera. Come on. - Okay, hon.

- Come on. - Gary, I really had a good time. Good night.

Oh, come on, baby, they’re not gonna--

they won’t stay up long.

Don: Smile.

( chuckles )

I just had to get a picture of you in that tuxedo, Gary.

Oh, ever since Don got that Polaroid,

he’s taking picture after picture after picture

after picture. ( laughs)

- Oh, look at here, hon. - Oh.

They look like they could be the wedding couple themselves.

- Look at that. - Oh, oh.

- Dad. - I love weddings.

You know, there’s something so wonderful about

when a man and a woman are bonding together,

it’s so gratifying.

You could say that again.

You know, when Don and I got married,

we went to that honeymoon place up in New York.

The Niagara Falls.

No, no, this was in New York.

Yeah, Niagara Falls, it’s in New York.

No, it wasn’t Niagara Falls.

- No, it had a lot of hotels and lodges. - The Catskills.

- No. - No, no.

- Poconos? - No, it was in some mountains.

Adirondacks.

Oh, I remember. It was the Poconos.

- The Poconos, yes. - Yes.

The Poconos.

I’ll get the atlas, I can show you right where it is.

- No. I mean, don’t stay up just ’cause of us. - Yeah, we’re fine.

Don’t worry about the lights, we’ll shut them all out.

Well now, Gary, I don’t want you to stay up too late either.

Now your mother told me you’re going back

to the university tomorrow.

- Oh. - Yeah.

You’re majoring in?

Veterinary medicine, daddy.

Ooh, veterinary medicine. Sit down.

You know, I have often wondered,

do you believe that dogs can think?

We used to have the cutest dog, Ginger, do you remember that?

She was half Irish-Setter and half--

Oh, let’s see, she was like a Setter.

- A Labrador? - No, not the black one.

- Saint Bernard? - No, smaller.

- Uh, chow? - No.

- Akita? - No.

- Collie? - No. It’s a shepherd thing.

- A German shepherd? - No, it’s a kind of police use.

- German shepherd. - Huh?

- German shepherd? - Yes.

German shepherd, German shepherd, yes.

Oh, she was the best dog.

She lived to be 19.

We had to have her put to sleep.

No, honey, we backed over her with the car.

( laughter )

No, no, we didn’t back over Ginger with the car.

- That was-- - Rusty.

No, no, Rusty choked on a doggie toy.

No. no, that wasn’t Rusty. That was--

Oh, I can still see the tufts of hair

and the tire track over his head.

It was--

- Spot? - Yes. Spot. Spot.

Oh, we had Spot when we lived on Rosedale Road, you remember?

- Oh, yeah. - And I can prove it.

I’m gonna get the photo album.

- No. - No, no, no.

I mean, it’s getting really late and--

- Oh, it is, yeah. - Oh, my gosh, look at the time.

Well, we better get to bed.

Well, you know, we haven’t stayed up this late

since Uncle Ed came up from--

Florida. Night, daddy.

Marge’s brother Ed lives.

He just loves to stay up late.

He loves seafood and he took us out

to that little-- That little place on Route 9.

- Somebody Sea Shanty... - Let me see.

- Captain... - Captain...

That’s on the napkin, what was it?

- He had a little hat on on the picture in the napkin. - Yeah.

- It was Captain. - Uh, Kid?

Captain-- no, no, he had an eye patch.

- Hook? - Captain.

Well, he was kind of a pirate, but no.

- Blood? - No.

Ahab?

Bligh, Kirk, Hornblower, Nemo.

Yes! Neptune.

- Neptune, Neptune, yes. - Neptune Sea Shanty.

Yes, sometimes it’s hard to remember things when--

- When you stay up late. - Oh, wow.

- I guess it is pretty late. - It is.

Do you know--I have to tell you.

You know what one of the first things I did

with daddy after we got married?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, you stop that, Don. ( chuckles )

No, no, no.

As you know, daddy was in the navy

and they invited all the wives

to come down to the shipyard, right,

to see them on the ship and there he was.

He was upfront manning that big gun.

And I just had to have a picture.

So I had my brownie camera, remember.

And I backed up, I backed up into the point of the ship

and I looked up at that man with that shock of red hair

just peaking out of his sailor hat, yeah.

And he had that big gun and it was just waving over me.

And you know, my knees-- my knees just buckled,

and I swear I fell back against the cold hard steel hull.

And you know what?

I suddenly realized just why we had fought that war.

- You know your daddy was just so-- - Brave?

- No. - Patriotic?

- No. - Manly.

Yup.

I think I’m gonna go to bed. I’m getting kind of sleepy.

Don’t be too long, sailor.

Oh, wow, look at the time.

Well, I got to get some sleep.

Good night, daddy.

Guess there’s some things you never forget.

( cheers and applause )

*

Hello, I’m Peter Graves.

Welcome to the World of Discover.

Man’s fascination with reptiles

dates back to the days of Adam and Eve.

With us today at the Center for Zoological Research

is reptile expert Robyn Tessler.

- Hello, Robyn. - Hello, Peter.

Robyn, what are reptiles?

Peter, reptiles are cold-blooded vertebrates

who crawl around on their bellies

or by means of small short legs.

All right, so reptiles are cold and short

like, say, a glass of beer.

( laughter ) Well, yeah, in a way.

Would you like to hold one?

Yes, but I can’t drink it on the air.

No, no, no, I mean, the reptile.

Oh, all right.

Okay.

Now this is a king snake.

Oh, so this is a king.

How do snakes choose their king, Robyn?

Oh, well, they’re just born king snakes, Peter.

- Oh, just like humans. - Yes.

ow some snakes can kill you, but not this one.

Uh-huh. So this snake is a coward.

No, Peter, I just mean he’s not poisonous.

Well, do you have any poisonous snakes here, Robyn?

Well, yes, we do, Peter, but right now,

they’re all being used in an experiment.

Oh, is that the experiment over there?

Well, yes, it is.

Now that’s Randy Fibido[PH , one of our researchers.

For the last 36 hours, he’s been in that enclosure

studying the behavioral adaptation of cobras,

copperheads, and other poisonous snakes.

Well, that’s amazing, Robyn. May I speak to him?

No, no, Peter, I can’t let you do that.

- I’m sorry. - All right, I will.

( laughter )

Hello, Randy!

You’ve been in there for quite a while.

Are you comfortable? (knocks)

Who are you? Get away.

Startling snakes, leave now.

- I beg your pardon? - Go away. Do it now.

Randy, are these snakes unpredictable?

Yes. Get out. Leave. I implore you.

Oh, what’s that really big one on your lap?

Gaboon viper, get out.

And how about that black one over there?

A fat black mamba. Can’t turn to look. Get out.

Well, it looks like you’ve made some friends in there.

No friends, deadly. Get out. Get out.

Now why are you telling the snakes to get out, Randy?

Idiot. Look, at snakes. Think of poison bite.

Oh. Can the snakes bite through glass, Randy?

Idiot. Bite me!

How good is their hearing?

( laughter )

Must shoot you.

Reach gun in three minutes, leave now.

All right, I’m going to leave now, Randy.

Just bit in my ankle.

Oh, you say you’ve just been bitten,

but you haven’t cried out,

Why is that?

Fear additional bites.

Oh, well, would you like me to call a doctor for you?

Too late, venom working.

Well, which one did the biting, Randy?

Which one? Was it the mamba?

I curse you. I curse you.

I curse all your children.

All right.

Then tune in next week for another episode of Discover.

( applause )

*

Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed the show.

Thanks everybody, it was a good time.

( cheers and applause )

*