Original subtitles

I want to thank everyone for turning out

for this old lame duck.

( audience laughing )

You win some, you lose some.

My friend, Judge Bork, knows what I mean.

( audience laughing )

When he testified, Bob gave it everything he had.

Nancy did ask that you shave the beard.

But other than that, you did everything we asked,

and more.

I mean, Bob’s hung in there longer than many of us expected,

or even wanted.

( audience laughing )

But...life goes on.

( applause )

And when you get to be my age,

a man is expected to have certain enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms!

What are mine?

What draws my admiration?

What is it that brings me joy?

- Nancy. - The children! - The real movie.

The good of the country. The good of the country.

Baseball!

( applause )

( audience laughing )

A man!

A man stands alone at the plate.

This is a time for what?

Individual achievement.

Like when George Bush here leaves the country for weeks

during an important confirmation process,

so he can go overseas and look presidential.

( audience laughing )

Ow! Ow, you’re hurting my arm!

Ow! ( audience laughing )

At the plate, a man stands alone.

But in the field, what?

Part of a team!

- Teamwork, Mr. President! - Teamwork.

If a man’s team doesn’t field,

what is he?

He’s nothing, Mr. President. He’s nothing.

You follow me. He’s nothing.

Now, I can hit the ball the whole livelong day.

Mike Schmidt, Don Mattingly, and so on.

( audience laughing )

But I get nowhere unless the team wins.

Team, team, that’s it.

( laughter )

And when the ball’s hit to you in the big game,

when it’s tied four to four,

when you bobble the ball and throw it away,

and the manager wants you out of the game,

you’ve got to read the signals

and get off the diamond!

( audience laughing )

Are you okay? ( audience laughing )

It will take more than that to make me quit!

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

( audience cheering )

*

Don Pardo: It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guest: Sting.

And featuring, A. Whitney Brown,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

And starring, Steve Martin.

( audience applauding )

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin.

( audience cheering )

( music stops )

Thank you.

( audience cheering )

No, no, no, no, no.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Welcome to the show!

It’s great to be back here on Saturday Night Live,

on television once again because I’ve been doing films.

And, as you know, on films, there’s a fine line

between laughter and tears.

But in television... ( audience laughing )

In television, there’s a fine line between laughter

and two big, fat, greasy hippos

rooting in a river bottom for grub.

( audience laughing )

That’s why I enjoy doing television.

And it’s been a great year for me.

I have to admit that I got married.

I feel great about it. We’re having a wonderful time.

( audience cheering )

Roxannecame out and people seem to like it.

And I have a... ( audience applauding )

I have a film opening in just a month,

called Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,

with John Candy, directed by John Hughes.

And I know what you’re saying.

You’re saying, "Doesn’t John Hughes

always work with these sort of hip, young,

with-it, sort of good-looking actors?"

Yes!

( audience laughing )

So, everything’s going great, and we have a great show.

All the regulars are back. None of them were fired.

And we also have a very, very special musical guest...

Stingy.

I’m sorry. ( audience laughing )

That’s Sting!

( audience cheering )

I mean, who put the Y on there?

That was not- There’s gonna be

technical problems tonight, because there’s a strike

going on with the technicians.

That’s the camera operators, the cue card people.

And, in fact, before I came out here,

the producers said to me, "Now, Steve,

when you do your monologue, please stand in one place

and don’t move around, whatever you do."

And I said, "Wait a minute.

That’s not Steve. That’s not what Steve does.

That’s not what the audience wants to see."

Because, basically, I’m known for two things:

My song writing.

( audience laughing )

And my dancing.

So, I’m going to do my big dance number for you,

and damn the technical problems!

So here it is, a little song I wrote called

"I Bite Down Hard."

( audience laughing )

The title doesn’t really relate to the song,

I just thought that it’s kind of romantic.

Okay, let’s hit it!

Three, four!

*

* I’m gonna love while I live *

* Live while I love *

* Laugh while I live and love *

* Be above *

* ’Cause I have got to dance! *

*

( tap dancing )

*

( rapid tapping )

Oh, that hurts. Whoa!

( audience laughing )

Hey, slow it down.

*

( music stops )

( audience applauding )

We’ll be right back.

Thank you very much!

( audience cheering )

Thank you.

Woman: He’s not worth it.

Forget him.

( audience laughing )

Announcer: Gary Hart.

You can’t get him out of your mind.

Paid for by the Gary Hart for President Committee.

( audience applauding )

*

( audience cheering )

Hello, and welcome to Common Knowledge.

I’m your host, Bob Albert.

You all know our champion Les Shermeyer,

a high school guidance counselor.

Now, let’s greet our challenger, Jeanne Kirkpatrick,

former ambassador to the United Nations.

( audience applauding )

Jeanne, are you ready?

Yes, quite so.

Oh, that’s good, because we’re going to start with you.

What category, Jeanne?

Well, actually, I’ve been a professor of history,

so I decided to make it interesting,

and I chose literature.

Alright, literature for $100.

Let’s see what the question is.

Author of Grapes of Wrath.

John Steinbeck.

( buzzer sounds ) Ooh. Sorry.

Ernest Hemingway.

( audience laughing )

Les, you want to stick with literature?

No, Bob, let’s go to State Capitols.

Okay. State Capitols for $100.

- Oklahoma. - Oklahoma City.

( bells dings )

Alright. Uh, let’s keep going.

- New York State. - New York City.

( bells dings )

Very good, Les!

Let’s go again!

- New Jersey. - Jersey City.

Whoa! ( bells dings, audience laughing )

You’re on a roll. Let’s go again.

- Virginia. - Virginia City.

( bells dings, audience laughing )

And last one, Washington.

Washington, D.C.

Whoa! ( bells dings )

You swept through that category!

And now, let’s go on to...

- Let’s go to literature for $200.

Literature, alright.

Author of Christmas Carol.

Ebenezer Scrooge. ( bells dings )

Okay! ( audience laughing )

Literature for $300, Bob!

Literature for $300. Author of Huckleberry Finn.

Tom Sawyer. ( buzzer sounds )

Ooh, sorry.

The answer is Ernest Hemingway.

Sorry. ( audience laughing )

And now, let’s take a minute to explain the rules

to Common Knowledge.

Questions for our show are selected by educators

from Princeton University to reflect a broad range

of common knowledge that every American should possess.

Answers for Common Knowledge are determined

by a nationwide survey of 17-year-old high school seniors.

( audience laughing )

And now, back to you, Jeanne.

- History. - Alright, History for $100.

His assassination sparked World War I.

Archduke Ferdinand. ( buzzer sounds )

Oh, sorry. The answer is Lincoln.

( audience laughing )

Abraham Lincoln. Les?

I’m gonna stay with History, Bob, for $200.

History for $200.

The Louisiana Purchase was obtained from this country.

Louisiana. ( bell dings )

Alright!

( audience laughing )

- History for $300, Bob. - Okay.

When he discovered America,

Christopher Columbus thought he had landed in...

Columbia. ( buzzer sounds )

Oh, sorry. The answer is America.

Back to Jeanne Kirkpatrick. ( audience laughing )

- History, for $400. - History, for $400.

First man to land on the moon.

Neil-- Uh, John Glenn.

( bell dings )

Terrific, Jeanne! ( audience laughing )

- You’re on the board now. - History, for $500.

History, for $500.

Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of--

Gettysburg. ( buzzer sounds )

Oh, sorry. Jericho.

( audience laughing )

The Battle of Jericho. Tough one.

But, Jeanne, don’t worry, you’ll have a chance

to catch up because it’s time for our...

Lightning Round!

Let’s bring out the 17-year-olds!

Bring them out. Come on.

( audience applauding )

Okay, Jeanne, you’re playing with Kyle Knopfler,

a high school senior from Troy, New York.

- How do you do? Pleased to meet you. - Hi.

Kyle, has your high school education

given you the tools you need to go out into the real world?

Uh... I, you know-- Whatever, I don’t know.

I mean, yeah. Sure, I guess so.

( audience laughing )

Terrific answer!

And, Les, you’re playing with Tracy Pollackson,

a senior from Rockford, Illinois.

Tracy, you were supposed to be on the show yesterday,

but there was a mix-up of some kind?

I got on the wrong plane.

Whoa! Oh! Ho!

Okay, let’s start our Lightning Round.

Les, you picked Presidents.

- So, you and Tracy ready? - Ready, Bob.

- Ready. - Okay, let’s go.

Okay. "The British are coming!"

Grant. ( bell dings )

( audience applauding )

"Dennis the Menace!"

- President Mitchell. - "His neighbor!"

Woodrow Wilson! Alright, tag team!

Tag team! Let’s go.

Terrific!

"Tippecanoe!"

Nixon!

Pass, pass!

"Sex!"

President Hart!

( audience laughing )

"Marilyn Monroe!"

Kennedy! ( bell dings )

Okay, Les and Tracy, very good.

Now, over to Jeanne.

Jeanne, before the show you picked the category

of Historical Dates.

Historical Dates.

- Are you ready, Jeanne and Kyle? - Alright, ready.

Alright and begin!

Okay, Civil War.

1861.

Civil War!

1861-1865!

Pass.

Pilgrims!

1620.

Thanksgiving!

1621.

Pass!

( audience laughing )

- Gold Rush. - 1849.

- Gold Rush! - 1914. 1492.

1945!

Pass.

Tag Team! Tag Team! Let’s go!

( audience applauding )

Come on, Jeanne. Come on!

( audience laughing )

Congress of Vienna.

- 1964. - Pass. Pass.

Bolshevik Revolution.

1776!

Pilgrim’s Land!

1861!

- Battle of Austerlitz. - 1492!

- Korean War! - 1917!

( bell dings )

Oh, sorry, Jeanne. You only got one right.

May I say something, please?

This program is an outrage.

This program...it just doesn’t do justice

to the educational system,

which holds the fragile civilization

of our country together.

Oh, well. Sorry, Jeanne.

( audience laughing )

Les is still our champion, but you’ll be going home

with $400 and a year’s subscription to TV Guide.

TV Guide, the most widely read publication in the world.

In the United States.

Oh, whatever you say. ( audience laughing )

Well, anyway, that’s Common Knowledge.

And, remember, it’s not what you know.

It’s what you think you know.

Good night, everybody.

( audience applauding )

Commentator: You are looking live at Veteran’s Stadium

with the Dallas Cowboys and the Philadelphia Eagles

are getting ready to renew an old rivalry.

It should be a dandy.

Announcer: It’s the NFL Today on CBS.

And, now, here’s your host,

Brent Musberger.

( audience applauding )

Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the NFL Today

here on CBS.

What a lineup of games we’ve got today.

Most of you will be seeing the Dallas Cowboys

led by quarterback Garth Rottenberger.

( audience laughing )

They’ll be taking on the high-flying Eagles

with star running back Randy Bellasardini.

( audience laughing )

The former electrician who’s electrifying

the city of brotherly love.

And it’s all coming your way, right here on CBS.

And we’re gonna be keeping you up to date

on the story in Indianapolis

where Colts quarterback Gary Hogeboom,

is about to break Johnny Unitas’

all-time yardage record.

Jimmy the Greek is with us.

Greek, Hogeboom had a rough couple of games

at the beginning of the season

and then when the strike came along,

he just seemed to blossom and come alive here on CBS.

Well, Brent, for one thing.

He’s matured.

He’s really cut down on those mental errors.

But also when he’s competing against mostly amateur players

in poor condition with no real, real experience,

and that’s a factor you can’t ignore, Ben,

- right there. - Alright.

And we’ll be back with the profile

of Kansas City Wide Receiver Makaresh Rajipussenga

when the NFL Today continues here on CBS.

Announcer: Sip-N-Save Beer presents...

You Make The Call.

After blocking and recovering the fourth quarter punt,

the replacement Bills are called

for having 13 men on the field.

However, the replacement Patriots themselves

have 17 men on the field.

Do the penalties offset?

Or are the Patriots penalized more for having more extra men?

You make the call.

The answer after this word from Sip-N-Save Beer.

Sip-N-Save Beer. Why pay more?

After a consultation,

the officials decide to charge the Patriots 10 yards

for each extra men on the field.

However, the penalty is reduced

after subtracting 10 yards for each extra Bill.

The Patriots are penalized 30 yards.

This has been Sip-N-Save’s You Make The Call.

Twenty years ago, author George Plimpton

chronicled his experiences playing quarterback

in a game for the Detroit Lions.

Last week, George went back for another try,

and he’s joined us to talk about it

right here, in this studio,

on this fifth week of the NFL season on CBS.

George, I understand the results

were a little different this time.

Well, yes, Brent, actually,

I couldn’t have enjoyed it more.

( audience laughing )

Really, it was simply fabulous, really Brent.

Actually, I fared far better than I did 20 years ago,

I actually threw several touchdown passes.

There you are on CBS.

Well, yes, the defensive back fell down here, Brent,

and my receiver responded fabulously.

It was quite a treat actually.

We’ve been part of that drive, really, very helpful to us,

in our victory over Tampa Bay I should think.

It’s great fun, Brent.

It’s really great fun, this American game of football.

You should go out there and play.

It’s really marvelous, this game of football.

- love it. - Alright!

( audience laughing )

Now, what about today’s game, Greek?

What is that, Giant-San Diego?

It looks like an easy win for the Chargers.

Not so fast, Brent.

San Diego has that great defense.

But they’re only as good as their quarterback

Steve Tricosek. ( audience laughing )

And, Brent, my sources tell me,

he may not be able to get off work.

( audience laughing )

I’ll take the Giants, Brent!

Alright, now, Greek, what about the use of girls in games?

How do the players feel about that?

Oh, Brent, they don’t like it one bit.

They say it’s a gimmick.

But I’ll tell you, Brent, some of these gals can play.

Yeah. I bet you’re thinking about that

Pittsburgh Nose Guard Virginia Mahalick.

Brent... ( audience laughing )

I saw this little lady against Cincinnati,

and, brother, she is something.

They call her anti-maim, M-A-I-M.

( audience laughing )

Alright, today the Steelers are playing the Colts.

Will she be enough to stop the Indianapolis Juggernaut?

I don’t know, Brent.

As good as she is, you’ve got to remember,

she’s in her late 50s.

( audience laughing )

Look for her to tire in the fourth quarter

and for Hogeboom to have a field day.

Greek, down on Miami, we’ve got a rematch

of Super Bowl XVII.

Dolphins, Red Skins. What do you say?

Brent, a lot of the striking Red Skins cross the picket line

in time for this week’s game.

They’re fielding veterans against the Miami team

composed mainly of elderly Jews.

( audience laughing )

But, Brent, don’t bet against Don Shula at home.

And also the Dolphins are 10 in 1

following road losses is on artificial turf.

I like Miami.

Really? Miami.

Really, Brent.

So you’re gonna bet on Miami?

What do you mean, Brent?

Well, this is something I’ve always wanted

to ask you, Greek.

Do you ever actually bet money on these football games?

What the hell are you trying to say?

I mean do you, Jimmy the Greek Snider,

ever follow your own advice and actually wager

your own Jimmy the Greek money on football games, on CBS?

( audience laughing )

Are you saying I don’t have the guts to put my money

where my mouth is?

Listen, Punk!

I’ve lost more money betting on games

than you’ll ever see in a lifetime.

Alright.

Well, that just about wraps up the NFL Today on CBS.

For Jimmy the Greek, I’m Brent Musberger.

See you at halftime on-- Wait a minute.

I’m told that Gary Hogeboom has just completed

his 32nd consecutive pass and that, George,

breaks the record you set last week.

Well, good for him. Good for Gary.

Good for Gary Hogeboom. I love it, Brent.

- It’s is a great game. - Alright, see you at halftime!

( audience applauding )

Well, thanks for joining me from the bar, Diane.

I thought I was going to be eating alone tonight.

- It is Diane, right? - Yes.

So, what do you do for fun?

Well, in the last year,

I’ve really gotten into gymnastics.

You must be in pretty good shape.

Well, actually, I was.

But for the past month, I’ve been kind of sick.

( audience laughing )

A month? It must have been pretty serious.

Do you mind my asking what it was?

Well, just between you and me, I wasn’t really sick.

I got breast implants, but I’m okay now.

( audience laughing )

So, what exactly is it that you do?

I’m a lawyer.

Hmm-mm.

Uh, what kind of law?

Public defender.

( audience laughing )

Well, actually, that’s just the pro bono work

I’m doing for my firm.

We really represent a lot of celebrities.

Really? Like who?

Oh, Frank Stallone.

( audience laughing )

Uh... Sam Shepherd...

Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy.

( audience laughing )

- The wine list, sir. - Ah! Thank you.

Uh, excuse me, do you accept credit cards?

No, I’m sorry, sir, only cash.

Ooh.

Uh, Diane, do you have any cash

if I run a little short?

No, actually. I’m sorry, I don’t.

Well, don’t worry. I can handle it.

We’ll just have half a carafe

of the house wine, please.

( audience laughing )

Very well, sir.

It’s probably a good thing we’re only getting

half a carafe because I get a little out of control

when I drink.

( audience laughing )

Until I end up puking in some bus station.

( audience laughing )

Or passing out on a sofa somewhere.

( audience laughing )

- The menu. - Thank you.

So, enough about me, tell me about yourself.

Well, I’m single.

I’m a doctor.

I’m Jewish.

Orthodox.

( audience laughing )

( audience applauding )

I wonder if I can just get some broiled fish.

I’m on this really good diet, the good sex diet.

It really works, I’ve lost about 110 pounds so far.

( audience laughing )

So, where do you live?

Well, I live with my mother.

Actually, she’s got the top floor,

I’ve got the bottom three.

It’s a brownstone.

in East Harlem.

( audience laughing )

You know, it’s amazing what’s happening up there.

The place is a lot worth about five times what I paid for it.

And, it’s a good thing, too, because I can use the money

to help pay Mom’s medical bills.

Of course, the doctor said she could go any day now.

( audience laughing )

Or, she could linger on for years.

Hey, this place is too cheap.

My wallet’s out in my Porsche outside.

Let’s go someplace else.

Okay.

Let’s go.

Okay.

Here we go.

( audience applauding )

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update

with anchor person, Dennis Miller.

( audience applauding )

Thank you. Good evening.

And what can I tell you?

Beleaguered judge, Robert Bork,

in an effort to win some public sympathy,

deliberately fell into an abandoned well

in his back yard, trapping himself

30 feet underground.

So far, no effort has been made to rescue him.

( audience laughing )

A happy ending to the Midland, Texas

rescue operation which retrieved Baby Jessica from the well.

Evidently, she was wedged 22 feet below the surface

between three feet of solid bedrock

and Washington Postreporter Bob Woodward.

( audience laughing )

A side note to that story.

To squeeze through a narrow underground opening,

they sent down a man who had no collarbones.

How long you think this guy has been waiting

by the phone, huh?

( audience laughing )

On Wall Street yesterday,

the Dow Jones Industrial plummeted more than 100 points,

prompting New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner

to fire manager Lou Pinella.

( audience laughing )

While Wall Street suffered a down week,

condom stocks continued to rise.

I often hear people nowadays whine about the fact

they have to wear condoms when they make love.

This seems to me to be a rather minor argument.

I’ll tell you how I approach it.

I wear two in my everyday life.

When I go to make love, I take one off,

I feel like a wild man.

( audience laughing )

( audience applauding )

Sort of like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle.

( audience laughing )

You know, it’s really too bad about Judge Bork.

Not only has he been rejected,

but he already went ahead and ordered his robes.

( audience laughing )

Robert Bork’s beard has left him for a younger man.

NBC Growing Painsstar, Kirk Cameron.

( audience laughing )

Jerry Falwell stepped down last week

as the Chairman of the PTL, possibly paving the way

for the return of Jim Bakker.

You know, I don’t trust any of these preachers.

I see through these guys like used Neutrogena.

They say they don’t favor any particular denomination,

but I think we’ve all seen their eyes light up

at 10s and 20s.

( audience laughing )

A followup note, Sen. Joe Biden this week issued what he called

his final statement on accusations

that he plagiarized major parts of speeches

from other politicians.

Biden said he was, in fact, not stealing,

but rather he is a channeler.

Biden said, "Other people speak through me,

particularly politicians."

( audience laughing )

Now that Congresswoman Pat Schroeder

has dropped out of the Presidential race,

she’s gone back to her old job working as Señor Wences’ fist.

( audience laughing )

This season, Weekend Update will be following the race

for the White House.

And who better to cover the last national election

in the Al Franken Decade than Al Franken himself.

( audience applauding )

Hey, Al.

Thanks, Dennis.

You know, a lot of people come up to me and say,

"Al Franken, why don’t you run for President?"

Well, I’d like to be President, I think I’d be a great one.

Perhaps one of the greatest in our nation’s history.

But I don’t want to submit myself

to the intrusive scrutiny characteristic

of today’s presidential politics.

For example, I’d have to give up adultery.

( audience laughing )

Yes, this is the year of the damaging disclosure.

Of course, Gary Hart for womanizing

and Joe Biden, plagiarism.

But every one of the remaining candidates

has some skeleton in his closet, some dark secret,

some character flaw just waiting to be uncovered.

And who better to do it than me, Al Franken.

( audience laughing )

So tonight, starting alphabetically,

I confront former two-term Arizona Governor Bruce Babbitt.

I caught up to Gov. Babbitt

on a recent stopover in New York.

Al, this campaign is about America’s future,

how we get control of that deficit,

the importance of investing in the education of our children.

Uh-huh.

Governor, what about the character issue?

What about it?

I’m referring to your long history

of going into supermarket express lanes

with more than ten items? ( audience laughing )

Who told you that? The Dukakis campaign?

Well, I don’t want to reveal my sources, but, yeah.

Look, Al, it’s a lie. It just, it just isn’t true.

Well, Governor, you might want to take a look at this.

( Beeps )

( audience laughing )

Have a nice day.

Now, Al, how do you think this embarrassing disclosure

will affect the campaign?

Well, Dennis, it’s already had an effect.

The Babbitt damage control team

has been meeting around the clock,

and the rest of the Dukakis staff

- has been forced to resign. - Now, hold on, Al.

I understand from off-camera I’ve been told that Gov. Babbitt

is about to make a statement.

Let’s go to that, live.

Good evening.

It is time that I step up and admit that in the past

I have been guilty of the injudicious use

of grocery store express lanes.

But I would like to point out that on one such occasion,

the cashier actually counted a Kellogg’s snack pack

as six items.

I have here a letter from Kellogg’s

referring to the snack pack as "an item."

But that’s not the point.

I have, more than once, taken the shortcut

in supermarkets and I apologize.

Now, some say that I should withdraw from the race.

But I say, "Hell no!"

( audience cheering )

Well, Al, thank you for the report.

Well, thank you, Dennis.

Next time, Missouri congressman Richard Gephardt.

Does he borrow tools and not return them?

( audience laughing )

This is Al Franken saying, "This is me, Al Franken."

Thank you, Al.

( audience applauding )

Al Franken.

You know, while I realized that the Papal visit

to the United States is over, we were on hiatus,

and I didn’t get an opportunity to show you this.

I hang on to it because I knew you’d want to see it.

Obviously, there was a rather embarrassing moment

during the Pope’s tour.

The Pope, it seems, walked over a subway grate,

one of those vicious updrafts, you know...

( audience laughing )

Nice legs on the old guy, huh?

People Magazine’s cover story was Pat Anthony,

the surrogate mother who gave birth to her own grandchildren.

Her daughter Karen plans to legally adopt the triplets,

which means the kids’ biological mother

is now their stepmother,

her husband is no longer their grandfather,

and they won’t have to call each other "Uncle."

They also announced plans to move to Aurora, Alabama,

where this sort of relationship doesn’t seem to be a problem.

( audience applauding )

Here’s a headline.

"New Reagan Policy to Cut Benefits

For the Aged, Blind and Disabled."

When contacted for a comment on this rather

troubling headline, a spokesman for the President said,

"Hey, as long as you spell the name right."

Actress Glenn Close,

following her well-received performance

in "Fatal Attraction," this week signed with MGM

to play her most challenging role yet,

an unborn child having an affair with a married man.

The film, "Fetal Attraction," is set for a Christmas release.

( audience laughing )

And now, with a sociological introspective

on the state of women today,

here is Weekend Update correspondent

Victoria Jackson.

- Thank you, Dennis. - Victoria.

( audience applauding )

It seems absurd to me that in 1987,

the only women making headlines seem to be religious airheads,

party girls and political strumpets.

And then I just heard that Suzanne Somers

is returning to primetime.

These women have set back the feminist movement

20 years, and I, for one, am outraged.

Victoria, I cannot believe that you’re outraged,

with your image.

What are you saying, Dennis?

*

* Just because of the way I look *

* Just because of what I wear *

* Just because of how I act *

* And how I fix my hair *

* You think you can label me but don’t you dare *

* ’Cause I am not a bimbo *

( audience laughing )

* So I jiggle when I walk *

* So I wiggle when I walk *

* I’ve got extra body fat *

* You gonna call me bimbo just for that? *

* Just because my voice is high *

* And my attitude is light *

* It doesn’t mean that I’m not serious *

* I read Newsweek twice last night *

* So why should I be *

* The brunt of your jokes or mockery? *

* When I am not a bimbo! *

I know how to work a Xerox machine,

and it’s really complicated.

I know where the dipstick in my car is,

you know when the engine is broken?

I’m not stupid, I’m the opposite.

Okay, I read my horoscope

but I don’t always believe in it.

I may be "sprucisferous."

I may be vacuous.

But I am not a bimbo.

It has a negative connotation or something.

* I am not a bimbo *

*

Sorry.

Audience: Whoo!

* I am not a bimbo *

* So I dot my i’s with a heart *

* And I sleep with a teddy bear *

* It doesn’t mean that I’m not smart *

* I know all about the ozone layer *

* You see, I am not a bimbo *

*

( music stops )

You know that the Second Law of Thermodynamics

says the world is in a state of entropy?

Really?

( audience applauding )

You nailed it.

- Thank you! - Yeah.

( audience applauding )

Thank you.

Yeah! Thank you, Victoria.

You know, folks, I’m not only the Hair Club President,

I’m also a member.

( audience laughing )

While we’re away this summer,

Lt. Col. Oliver North testified

before the Iran-Contra committee,

and the transcripts of his testimony

are currently available in book form

and on video cassette.

Some people feel that Oliver North is a hero.

Well, I’m just glad the Manson trials

weren’t televised.

( audience laughing )

You know, it’s 15 years ago today that Elvis--

Well, I’m sure he did something.

He was the King, it was the weekend.

( audience laughing )

You know, this week an Iranian ship

fired machine gun rounds

at an NBC Nightly News helicopter,

just missing the news crew.

A spokesman for the Iranian Government apologized

later in the day saying, "Hey, we’re sorry!

We thought it was the Today Showhelicopter!"

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

And I am out of here!

Good night!

( audience cheering )

Beautiful night, isn’t it?

Certainly is, Captain.

Not many people get to see a sunset

from this vantage point.

We’re very lucky.

Chief Martin, may I ask you a question?

Fire away, sir.

How would you gauge the success of the voyage so far?

Well, I’d say we’ve done quite well, sir.

No. Really?

Well.

Permission to speak freely, sir.

Yes, by all means.

You big fat stinking bastard!

God, how I hate you!

You make me want to puke with your flatulent breath

and your "Oh, I order you to do this"

and "I order you to do that."

Who the hell do you think you are,

you pusillanimous bag of wheat-gold goat manure! ( audience laughing )

If I had a dollar-- No, if I had a nickel

- for every... - Okay, okay, that’s enough!

- I meant about the voyage. - Oh!

What’s going on here?

What’s all this commotion?

Come on, I want some answers!

Permission to speak freely, sir?

Yes, go ahead.

Rot in hell!

You great simpering shovel-full of dog barf!

Who died and made you king? You fatuous sweating imbecile!

If you had any brains in that thick trunk skull of yours,

you’d still be a pathetic mush-pot!

Male voice on P.A.: Now hear this. Now hear this.

Permission to speak freely has been rescinded

for the remainder of the voyage.

That is all. ( audience cheering )

Don Pardo: Good evening, and welcome to Pumping Up with Hans & Franz,

the informative training program

for the serious weightlifter.

Hello. Let us begin by introducing ourselves.

I am Hans.

And I am Franz.

- And we want to pump you up! - And we want to pump you up!

A little bit about ourselves,

we come from a state from a small village

of weightlifters in Austria.

Yeah, we hope to follow in our cousin’s footsteps,

the greatest bodybuilder in the history of the world.

Maybe you’ve heard of him?

- Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

( audience laughing )

Okay, let’s get started.

First of all, before you pump, you must warm up

or else you might hurt your muscles.

Now, listen here. We can’t make you warm up.

It’s entirely up to you.

Yeah, that’s right, you know. Believe me now.

It’s not our job to check up on you, either!

So, you know, if you’re not gonna do it,

don’t be jerking us around.

- We don’t have the time. - All we want to do is...

- Pump you up! - Pump you up!

( audience laughing )

Okay, enough talk.

Now, it’s time to go for a pump.

Hans will show you the proper way to lift the weight.

Now, pay attention.

Yeah, you better be paying attention

because we’re not working for nothing up here.

Listen, believe this now and believe me later.

You know, if you don’t think this matters,

then maybe we should take a belt to your buttocks muscle

until it’s all black and blue and swollen. ( audience laughing )

Alright, enough talk. All we want to do is...

- Pump you up! - Pump you up!

Alright, let’s move on with the program.

You might ask yourself, "Hans & Franz,

where do you go once you pump the muscle?"

Well, if you’re not a cry-baby,

you enter a Mr. Universe competition.

Yeah, Hans, that’s why it’s important

that you learn to pose and show off your pump.

( audience laughing )

You know, some of you might think this as funny,

for sissies, so go ahead and laugh now,

but let me tell you something my friend.

- We’ll be the ones that’s laughing later. - That’s right.

You know, hear me now and believe this later.

You know, if you want to play games with us,

let me tell you one thing.

- Let the games begin. - Yeah! Yeah!

Listen, maybe you don’t understand English.

Maybe the only time you understand

is when you’re pummeled and beaten with a fist

full of pumped-up muscle...

Alright, enough talk.

We’re not here to cut you down, you know, we’re here to....

- Pump you up! - Pump you up!

Okay, back to the program.

For those of you who are very serious about the pump,

you might be saying, "Hey, Hans & Franz,

we can’t get enough of the program,

what else can we do?"

Well, Hans, they can send away for our home video right here,

you know, of pumping up.

It’s called "Pumping You Up."

That’s right. It’s only $9.95.

Here’s a quick look at what you get.

Believe me now and hear me later.

It is people like you that are smelly trash,

- and are pitiful. - Yeah, yeah!

Believe me, my friend,

when a pathetic loser walks into the room, people know.

You know, they can smell him!

Yeah! Because he smells like a...

That’s right.

You just get out of our face,

and have another bowl of Haagen-Daaz!

If you don’t work out, somebody should grab you

by the jockstrap and give you the wedgie of your life!

Yeah, you fat bloody pigs, you know that.

- Yeah. We don’t need your kind. - We don’t want to get you on our face.

We don’t need you.

People like you.

- That’s right! - We don’t need them.

( audience applauding )

Thank you very much for tuning in.

We’ll see you next week. Good night everybody!

( audience applauding )