All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

I want to thank everyone
for turning out

for this old lame duck.

( audience laughing )

You win some, you lose some.

My friend, Judge Bork,
knows what I mean.

( audience laughing )

When he testified,
Bob gave it everything he had.

Nancy did ask
that you shave the beard.

But other than that,
you did everything we asked,

and more.

I mean, Bob’s hung in there
longer than many of us expected,

or even wanted.

( audience laughing )

But...life goes on.

( applause )

And when you get to be my age,

a man is expected to have
certain enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms!

What are mine?

What draws my admiration?

What is it that
brings me joy?

- Nancy.
- The children!
- The real movie.

The good of the country.
The good of the country.

Baseball!

( applause )

( audience laughing )

A man!

A man stands alone
at the plate.

This is a time for what?

Individual achievement.

Like when George Bush here
leaves the country for weeks

during an important
confirmation process,

so he can go overseas
and look presidential.

( audience laughing )

Ow!
Ow, you’re hurting my arm!

Ow!
( audience laughing )

At the plate,
a man stands alone.

But in the field, what?

Part of a team!

- Teamwork, Mr. President!
- Teamwork.

If a man’s team
doesn’t field,

what is he?

He’s nothing, Mr. President.
He’s nothing.

You follow me.
He’s nothing.

Now, I can hit the ball
the whole livelong day.

Mike Schmidt, Don Mattingly,
and so on.

( audience laughing )

But I get nowhere
unless the team wins.

Team, team,
that’s it.

( laughter )

And when the ball’s hit to you
in the big game,

when it’s tied four to four,

when you bobble the ball
and throw it away,

and the manager wants you out
of the game,

you’ve got to read the signals

and get off the diamond!

( audience laughing )

Are you okay?
( audience laughing )

It will take more than that
to make me quit!

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

( audience cheering )

*

Don Pardo:
It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guest:
Sting.

And featuring,
A. Whitney Brown,

GE Smith and
the Saturday Night Live Band.

And starring,
Steve Martin.

( audience applauding )

Ladies and gentlemen,
Steve Martin.

( audience cheering )

( music stops )

Thank you.

( audience cheering )

No, no, no, no, no.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
Welcome to the show!

It’s great to be back here
on Saturday Night Live,

on television once again
because I’ve been doing films.

And, as you know, on films,
there’s a fine line

between laughter and tears.

But in television...
( audience laughing )

In television, there’s
a fine line between laughter

and two big, fat,
greasy hippos

rooting in a river bottom
for grub.

( audience laughing )

That’s why I enjoy
doing television.

And it’s been
a great year for me.

I have to admit
that I got married.

I feel great about it.
We’re having a wonderful time.

( audience cheering )

Roxannecame out
and people seem to like it.

And I have a...
( audience applauding )

I have a film opening
in just a month,

called Planes, Trains,
and Automobiles,

with John Candy,
directed by John Hughes.

And I know
what you’re saying.

You’re saying,
"Doesn’t John Hughes

always work with these
sort of hip, young,

with-it, sort of
good-looking actors?"

Yes!

( audience laughing )

So, everything’s going great,
and we have a great show.

All the regulars are back.
None of them were fired.

And we also have a very,
very special musical guest...

Stingy.

I’m sorry.
( audience laughing )

That’s Sting!

( audience cheering )

I mean,
who put the Y on there?

That was not-
There’s gonna be

technical problems tonight,
because there’s a strike

going on with the technicians.

That’s the camera operators,
the cue card people.

And, in fact,
before I came out here,

the producers said to me,
"Now, Steve,

when you do your monologue,
please stand in one place

and don’t move around,
whatever you do."

And I said, "Wait a minute.

That’s not Steve.
That’s not what Steve does.

That’s not what
the audience wants to see."

Because, basically,
I’m known for two things:

My song writing.

( audience laughing )

And my dancing.

So, I’m going to do
my big dance number for you,

and damn the technical problems!

So here it is, a little song
I wrote called

"I Bite Down Hard."

( audience laughing )

The title doesn’t really
relate to the song,

I just thought that
it’s kind of romantic.

Okay, let’s hit it!

Three, four!

*

* I’m gonna love
while I live *

* Live while I love *

* Laugh while I live and love *

* Be above *

* ’Cause I have got to dance! *

*

( tap dancing )

*

( rapid tapping )

Oh, that hurts.
Whoa!

( audience laughing )

Hey, slow it down.

*

( music stops )

( audience applauding )

We’ll be right back.

Thank you very much!

( audience cheering )

Thank you.

Woman: He’s not worth it.

Forget him.

( audience laughing )

Announcer:
Gary Hart.

You can’t get him
out of your mind.

Paid for by the Gary Hart
for President Committee.

( audience applauding )

*

( audience cheering )

Hello, and welcome
to Common Knowledge.

I’m your host,
Bob Albert.

You all know our champion
Les Shermeyer,

a high school
guidance counselor.

Now, let’s greet our challenger,
Jeanne Kirkpatrick,

former ambassador
to the United Nations.

( audience applauding )

Jeanne, are you ready?

Yes, quite so.

Oh, that’s good, because we’re
going to start with you.

What category, Jeanne?

Well, actually, I’ve been
a professor of history,

so I decided to make it
interesting,

and I chose literature.

Alright,
literature for $100.

Let’s see what
the question is.

Author of Grapes of Wrath.

John Steinbeck.

( buzzer sounds )
Ooh. Sorry.

Ernest Hemingway.

( audience laughing )

Les, you want to stick
with literature?

No, Bob, let’s go
to State Capitols.

Okay.
State Capitols for $100.

- Oklahoma.
- Oklahoma City.

( bells dings )

Alright.
Uh, let’s keep going.

- New York State.
- New York City.

( bells dings )

Very good, Les!

Let’s go again!

- New Jersey.
- Jersey City.

Whoa!
( bells dings,
audience laughing )

You’re on a roll.
Let’s go again.

- Virginia.
- Virginia City.

( bells dings,
audience laughing )

And last one, Washington.

Washington, D.C.

Whoa!
( bells dings )

You swept through
that category!

And now, let’s go on to...

- Let’s go
to literature for $200.

Literature, alright.

Author of Christmas Carol.

Ebenezer Scrooge.
( bells dings )

Okay!
( audience laughing )

Literature for $300, Bob!

Literature for $300.
Author of Huckleberry Finn.

Tom Sawyer.
( buzzer sounds )

Ooh, sorry.

The answer is
Ernest Hemingway.

Sorry.
( audience laughing )

And now, let’s take a minute
to explain the rules

to Common Knowledge.

Questions for our show
are selected by educators

from Princeton University
to reflect a broad range

of common knowledge that every
American should possess.

Answers for Common Knowledge
are determined

by a nationwide survey of
17-year-old high school seniors.

( audience laughing )

And now,
back to you, Jeanne.

- History.
- Alright, History for $100.

His assassination
sparked World War I.

Archduke Ferdinand.
( buzzer sounds )

Oh, sorry.
The answer is Lincoln.

( audience laughing )

Abraham Lincoln.
Les?

I’m gonna stay with
History, Bob, for $200.

History for $200.

The Louisiana Purchase
was obtained from this country.

Louisiana.
( bell dings )

Alright!

( audience laughing )

- History for $300, Bob.
- Okay.

When he discovered America,

Christopher Columbus thought
he had landed in...

Columbia.
( buzzer sounds )

Oh, sorry.
The answer is America.

Back to Jeanne Kirkpatrick.
( audience laughing )

- History, for $400.
- History, for $400.

First man to
land on the moon.

Neil-- Uh, John Glenn.

( bell dings )

Terrific, Jeanne!
( audience laughing )

- You’re on the board now.
- History, for $500.

History, for $500.

Napoleon was defeated
at the Battle of--

Gettysburg.
( buzzer sounds )

Oh, sorry. Jericho.

( audience laughing )

The Battle of Jericho.
Tough one.

But, Jeanne, don’t worry,
you’ll have a chance

to catch up
because it’s time for our...

Lightning Round!

Let’s bring out
the 17-year-olds!

Bring them out.
Come on.

( audience applauding )

Okay, Jeanne, you’re playing
with Kyle Knopfler,

a high school senior
from Troy, New York.

- How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
- Hi.

Kyle, has your
high school education

given you the tools you need
to go out into the real world?

Uh... I, you know--
Whatever, I don’t know.

I mean, yeah.
Sure, I guess so.

( audience laughing )

Terrific answer!

And, Les, you’re playing
with Tracy Pollackson,

a senior from
Rockford, Illinois.

Tracy, you were supposed
to be on the show yesterday,

but there was a mix-up
of some kind?

I got on the wrong plane.

Whoa! Oh! Ho!

Okay, let’s start
our Lightning Round.

Les, you picked Presidents.

- So, you and Tracy ready?
- Ready, Bob.

- Ready.
- Okay, let’s go.

Okay.
"The British are coming!"

Grant.
( bell dings )

( audience applauding )

"Dennis the Menace!"

- President Mitchell.
- "His neighbor!"

Woodrow Wilson!
Alright, tag team!

Tag team!
Let’s go.

Terrific!

"Tippecanoe!"

Nixon!

Pass, pass!

"Sex!"

President Hart!

( audience laughing )

"Marilyn Monroe!"

Kennedy!
( bell dings )

Okay, Les and Tracy,
very good.

Now, over to Jeanne.

Jeanne, before the show
you picked the category

of Historical Dates.

Historical Dates.

- Are you ready,
Jeanne and Kyle?
- Alright, ready.

Alright and begin!

Okay, Civil War.

1861.

Civil War!

1861-1865!

Pass.

Pilgrims!

1620.

Thanksgiving!

1621.

Pass!

( audience laughing )

- Gold Rush.
- 1849.

- Gold Rush!
- 1914. 1492.

1945!

Pass.

Tag Team! Tag Team!
Let’s go!

( audience applauding )

Come on, Jeanne.
Come on!

( audience laughing )

Congress of Vienna.

- 1964.
- Pass. Pass.

Bolshevik Revolution.

1776!

Pilgrim’s Land!

1861!

- Battle of Austerlitz.
- 1492!

- Korean War!
- 1917!

( bell dings )

Oh, sorry, Jeanne.
You only got one right.

May I say something, please?

This program is an outrage.

This program...it just
doesn’t do justice

to the educational system,

which holds the fragile
civilization

of our country together.

Oh, well.
Sorry, Jeanne.

( audience laughing )

Les is still our champion,
but you’ll be going home

with $400 and a year’s
subscription to TV Guide.

TV Guide, the most widely read
publication in the world.

In the United States.

Oh, whatever you say.
( audience laughing )

Well, anyway,
that’s Common Knowledge.

And, remember,
it’s not what you know.

It’s what you think you know.

Good night, everybody.

( audience applauding )

Commentator:
You are looking live
at Veteran’s Stadium

with the Dallas Cowboys
and the Philadelphia Eagles

are getting ready to renew
an old rivalry.

It should be a dandy.

Announcer:
It’s the NFL Today on CBS.

And, now,
here’s your host,

Brent Musberger.

( audience applauding )

Good afternoon, everybody,
and welcome to the NFL Today

here on CBS.

What a lineup of games
we’ve got today.

Most of you will be seeing
the Dallas Cowboys

led by quarterback
Garth Rottenberger.

( audience laughing )

They’ll be taking on
the high-flying Eagles

with star running back
Randy Bellasardini.

( audience laughing )

The former electrician
who’s electrifying

the city of brotherly love.

And it’s all coming your way,
right here on CBS.

And we’re gonna be keeping
you up to date

on the story in Indianapolis

where Colts quarterback
Gary Hogeboom,

is about to break
Johnny Unitas’

all-time yardage record.

Jimmy the Greek is with us.

Greek, Hogeboom had a rough
couple of games

at the beginning
of the season

and then when the strike
came along,

he just seemed to blossom
and come alive here on CBS.

Well, Brent, for one thing.

He’s matured.

He’s really cut down
on those mental errors.

But also when he’s competing
against mostly amateur players

in poor condition with no real,
real experience,

and that’s a factor
you can’t ignore, Ben,

- right there.
- Alright.

And we’ll be back
with the profile

of Kansas City Wide Receiver
Makaresh Rajipussenga

when the NFL Today
continues here on CBS.

Announcer:
Sip-N-Save Beer presents...

You Make The Call.

After blocking and recovering
the fourth quarter punt,

the replacement Bills
are called

for having 13 men
on the field.

However, the replacement
Patriots themselves

have 17 men
on the field.

Do the penalties offset?

Or are the Patriots penalized
more for having more extra men?

You make the call.

The answer after this word
from Sip-N-Save Beer.

Sip-N-Save Beer.
Why pay more?

After a consultation,

the officials decide to charge
the Patriots 10 yards

for each extra men
on the field.

However, the penalty
is reduced

after subtracting 10 yards
for each extra Bill.

The Patriots are penalized
30 yards.

This has been Sip-N-Save’s
You Make The Call.

Twenty years ago,
author George Plimpton

chronicled his experiences
playing quarterback

in a game
for the Detroit Lions.

Last week, George went back
for another try,

and he’s joined us
to talk about it

right here,
in this studio,

on this fifth week
of the NFL season on CBS.

George, I understand
the results

were a little different
this time.

Well, yes, Brent, actually,

I couldn’t have
enjoyed it more.

( audience laughing )

Really, it was simply
fabulous, really Brent.

Actually, I fared far better
than I did 20 years ago,

I actually threw
several touchdown passes.

There you are on CBS.

Well, yes, the defensive back
fell down here, Brent,

and my receiver
responded fabulously.

It was quite
a treat actually.

We’ve been part of that drive,
really, very helpful to us,

in our victory over
Tampa Bay I should think.

It’s great fun, Brent.

It’s really great fun,
this American game of football.

You should go
out there and play.

It’s really marvelous,
this game of football.

- love it.
- Alright!

( audience laughing )

Now, what about
today’s game, Greek?

What is that,
Giant-San Diego?

It looks like an easy win
for the Chargers.

Not so fast, Brent.

San Diego has that
great defense.

But they’re only as good
as their quarterback

Steve Tricosek.
( audience laughing )

And, Brent,
my sources tell me,

he may not be able
to get off work.

( audience laughing )

I’ll take the Giants, Brent!

Alright, now, Greek, what about
the use of girls in games?

How do the players
feel about that?

Oh, Brent, they don’t
like it one bit.

They say it’s a gimmick.

But I’ll tell you, Brent,
some of these gals can play.

Yeah. I bet you’re
thinking about that

Pittsburgh Nose Guard
Virginia Mahalick.

Brent...
( audience laughing )

I saw this little lady
against Cincinnati,

and, brother,
she is something.

They call her anti-maim,
M-A-I-M.

( audience laughing )

Alright, today the Steelers
are playing the Colts.

Will she be enough to stop
the Indianapolis Juggernaut?

I don’t know, Brent.

As good as she is,
you’ve got to remember,

she’s in her late 50s.

( audience laughing )

Look for her to tire
in the fourth quarter

and for Hogeboom
to have a field day.

Greek, down on Miami,
we’ve got a rematch

of Super Bowl XVII.

Dolphins, Red Skins.
What do you say?

Brent, a lot of the striking
Red Skins cross the picket line

in time for this week’s game.

They’re fielding veterans
against the Miami team

composed mainly
of elderly Jews.

( audience laughing )

But, Brent, don’t bet
against Don Shula at home.

And also the Dolphins
are 10 in 1

following road losses
is on artificial turf.

I like Miami.

Really? Miami.

Really, Brent.

So you’re gonna
bet on Miami?

What do you mean, Brent?

Well, this is something
I’ve always wanted

to ask you, Greek.

Do you ever actually bet money
on these football games?

What the hell
are you trying to say?

I mean do you,
Jimmy the Greek Snider,

ever follow your own advice
and actually wager

your own Jimmy the Greek money
on football games, on CBS?

( audience laughing )

Are you saying I don’t have
the guts to put my money

where my mouth is?

Listen, Punk!

I’ve lost more money
betting on games

than you’ll ever see
in a lifetime.

Alright.

Well, that just about
wraps up the NFL Today on CBS.

For Jimmy the Greek,
I’m Brent Musberger.

See you at halftime on--
Wait a minute.

I’m told that Gary Hogeboom
has just completed

his 32nd consecutive pass
and that, George,

breaks the record
you set last week.

Well, good for him.
Good for Gary.

Good for Gary Hogeboom.
I love it, Brent.

- It’s is a great game.
- Alright, see you at halftime!

( audience applauding )

Well, thanks for joining me
from the bar, Diane.

I thought I was going
to be eating alone tonight.

- It is Diane, right?
- Yes.

So, what do you do
for fun?

Well, in the last year,

I’ve really gotten
into gymnastics.

You must be
in pretty good shape.

Well, actually, I was.

But for the past month,
I’ve been kind of sick.

( audience laughing )

A month? It must have been
pretty serious.

Do you mind my asking
what it was?

Well, just between you and me,
I wasn’t really sick.

I got breast implants,
but I’m okay now.

( audience laughing )

So, what exactly
is it that you do?

I’m a lawyer.

Hmm-mm.

Uh, what kind of law?

Public defender.

( audience laughing )

Well, actually, that’s just
the pro bono work

I’m doing for my firm.

We really represent
a lot of celebrities.

Really? Like who?

Oh, Frank Stallone.

( audience laughing )

Uh... Sam Shepherd...

Hume Cronyn
and Jessica Tandy.

( audience laughing )

- The wine list, sir.
- Ah! Thank you.

Uh, excuse me,
do you accept credit cards?

No, I’m sorry, sir,
only cash.

Ooh.

Uh, Diane,
do you have any cash

if I run a little short?

No, actually.
I’m sorry, I don’t.

Well, don’t worry.
I can handle it.

We’ll just have
half a carafe

of the house wine,
please.

( audience laughing )

Very well, sir.

It’s probably a good thing
we’re only getting

half a carafe because I get
a little out of control

when I drink.

( audience laughing )

Until I end up puking
in some bus station.

( audience laughing )

Or passing out
on a sofa somewhere.

( audience laughing )

- The menu.
- Thank you.

So, enough about me,
tell me about yourself.

Well, I’m single.

I’m a doctor.

I’m Jewish.

Orthodox.

( audience laughing )

( audience applauding )

I wonder if I can just
get some broiled fish.

I’m on this really good diet,
the good sex diet.

It really works, I’ve lost
about 110 pounds so far.

( audience laughing )

So, where do you live?

Well, I live with my mother.

Actually, she’s got
the top floor,

I’ve got the bottom three.

It’s a brownstone.

in East Harlem.

( audience laughing )

You know, it’s amazing
what’s happening up there.

The place is a lot worth about
five times what I paid for it.

And, it’s a good thing, too,
because I can use the money

to help pay Mom’s
medical bills.

Of course, the doctor said
she could go any day now.

( audience laughing )

Or, she could linger on
for years.

Hey, this place
is too cheap.

My wallet’s out
in my Porsche outside.

Let’s go someplace else.

Okay.

Let’s go.

Okay.

Here we go.

( audience applauding )

Don Pardo:
And now, Weekend Update

with anchor person,
Dennis Miller.

( audience applauding )

Thank you.
Good evening.

And what can I tell you?

Beleaguered judge,
Robert Bork,

in an effort to win
some public sympathy,

deliberately fell into
an abandoned well

in his back yard,
trapping himself

30 feet underground.

So far, no effort
has been made to rescue him.

( audience laughing )

A happy ending
to the Midland, Texas

rescue operation which retrieved
Baby Jessica from the well.

Evidently, she was wedged
22 feet below the surface

between three feet
of solid bedrock

and Washington Postreporter
Bob Woodward.

( audience laughing )

A side note to that story.

To squeeze through a narrow
underground opening,

they sent down a man
who had no collarbones.

How long you think this guy
has been waiting

by the phone, huh?

( audience laughing )

On Wall Street yesterday,

the Dow Jones Industrial
plummeted more than 100 points,

prompting New York Yankee
owner George Steinbrenner

to fire manager Lou Pinella.

( audience laughing )

While Wall Street
suffered a down week,

condom stocks
continued to rise.

I often hear people nowadays
whine about the fact

they have to wear condoms
when they make love.

This seems to me to be
a rather minor argument.

I’ll tell you
how I approach it.

I wear two in my everyday life.

When I go to make love,
I take one off,

I feel like a wild man.

( audience laughing )

( audience applauding )

Sort of like swinging two bats
in the on-deck circle.

( audience laughing )

You know, it’s really
too bad about Judge Bork.

Not only has he been
rejected,

but he already went ahead
and ordered his robes.

( audience laughing )

Robert Bork’s beard
has left him for a younger man.

NBC Growing Painsstar,
Kirk Cameron.

( audience laughing )

Jerry Falwell stepped down
last week

as the Chairman of the PTL,
possibly paving the way

for the return of Jim Bakker.

You know, I don’t trust
any of these preachers.

I see through these guys
like used Neutrogena.

They say they don’t favor
any particular denomination,

but I think we’ve all seen
their eyes light up

at 10s and 20s.

( audience laughing )

A followup note, Sen. Joe Biden
this week issued what he called

his final statement
on accusations

that he plagiarized
major parts of speeches

from other politicians.

Biden said he was, in fact,
not stealing,

but rather
he is a channeler.

Biden said, "Other people
speak through me,

particularly politicians."

( audience laughing )

Now that
Congresswoman Pat Schroeder

has dropped out
of the Presidential race,

she’s gone back to her old job
working as Señor Wences’ fist.

( audience laughing )

This season, Weekend Update
will be following the race

for the White House.

And who better to cover
the last national election

in the Al Franken Decade
than Al Franken himself.

( audience applauding )

Hey, Al.

Thanks, Dennis.

You know, a lot of people
come up to me and say,

"Al Franken, why don’t you
run for President?"

Well, I’d like to be President,
I think I’d be a great one.

Perhaps one of the greatest
in our nation’s history.

But I don’t want
to submit myself

to the intrusive scrutiny
characteristic

of today’s presidential
politics.

For example, I’d have
to give up adultery.

( audience laughing )

Yes, this is the year
of the damaging disclosure.

Of course, Gary Hart
for womanizing

and Joe Biden, plagiarism.

But every one
of the remaining candidates

has some skeleton in his closet,
some dark secret,

some character flaw
just waiting to be uncovered.

And who better to do it
than me, Al Franken.

( audience laughing )

So tonight, starting
alphabetically,

I confront former two-term
Arizona Governor Bruce Babbitt.

I caught up to Gov. Babbitt

on a recent stopover
in New York.

Al, this campaign
is about America’s future,

how we get control
of that deficit,

the importance of investing in
the education of our children.

Uh-huh.

Governor, what about
the character issue?

What about it?

I’m referring
to your long history

of going into supermarket
express lanes

with more than ten items?
( audience laughing )

Who told you that?
The Dukakis campaign?

Well, I don’t want to reveal
my sources, but, yeah.

Look, Al, it’s a lie.
It just, it just isn’t true.

Well, Governor, you might
want to take a look at this.

( Beeps )

( audience laughing )

Have a nice day.

Now, Al, how do you think
this embarrassing disclosure

will affect the campaign?

Well, Dennis,
it’s already had an effect.

The Babbitt damage control team

has been meeting
around the clock,

and the rest of
the Dukakis staff

- has been forced to resign.
- Now, hold on, Al.

I understand from off-camera
I’ve been told that Gov. Babbitt

is about to make
a statement.

Let’s go to that, live.

Good evening.

It is time that I step up
and admit that in the past

I have been guilty
of the injudicious use

of grocery store express lanes.

But I would like to point out
that on one such occasion,

the cashier actually counted
a Kellogg’s snack pack

as six items.

I have here a letter
from Kellogg’s

referring to the snack pack
as "an item."

But that’s not the point.

I have, more than once,
taken the shortcut

in supermarkets
and I apologize.

Now, some say that I should
withdraw from the race.

But I say, "Hell no!"

( audience cheering )

Well, Al, thank you
for the report.

Well, thank you, Dennis.

Next time, Missouri congressman
Richard Gephardt.

Does he borrow tools
and not return them?

( audience laughing )

This is Al Franken saying,
"This is me, Al Franken."

Thank you, Al.

( audience applauding )

Al Franken.

You know, while I realized
that the Papal visit

to the United States is over,
we were on hiatus,

and I didn’t get an opportunity
to show you this.

I hang on to it because I knew
you’d want to see it.

Obviously, there was a rather
embarrassing moment

during the Pope’s tour.

The Pope, it seems,
walked over a subway grate,

one of those vicious updrafts,
you know...

( audience laughing )

Nice legs on the old guy, huh?

People Magazine’s cover story
was Pat Anthony,

the surrogate mother who gave
birth to her own grandchildren.

Her daughter Karen plans
to legally adopt the triplets,

which means the kids’
biological mother

is now their stepmother,

her husband is no longer
their grandfather,

and they won’t have to call
each other "Uncle."

They also announced plans
to move to Aurora, Alabama,

where this sort of relationship
doesn’t seem to be a problem.

( audience applauding )

Here’s a headline.

"New Reagan Policy
to Cut Benefits

For the Aged, Blind
and Disabled."

When contacted for a comment
on this rather

troubling headline, a spokesman
for the President said,

"Hey, as long as you spell
the name right."

Actress Glenn Close,

following her well-received
performance

in "Fatal Attraction,"
this week signed with MGM

to play her most challenging
role yet,

an unborn child having
an affair with a married man.

The film, "Fetal Attraction,"
is set for a Christmas release.

( audience laughing )

And now, with a sociological
introspective

on the state of women today,

here is
Weekend Update correspondent

Victoria Jackson.

- Thank you, Dennis.
- Victoria.

( audience applauding )

It seems absurd to me
that in 1987,

the only women making headlines
seem to be religious airheads,

party girls
and political strumpets.

And then I just heard
that Suzanne Somers

is returning to primetime.

These women have set back
the feminist movement

20 years, and I, for one,
am outraged.

Victoria, I cannot believe
that you’re outraged,

with your image.

What are you saying,
Dennis?

*

* Just because
of the way I look *

* Just because
of what I wear *

* Just because
of how I act *

* And how I fix my hair *

* You think you can label me
but don’t you dare *

* ’Cause I am not a bimbo *

( audience laughing )

* So I jiggle when I walk *

* So I wiggle when I walk *

* I’ve got extra body fat *

* You gonna call me bimbo
just for that? *

* Just because my voice
is high *

* And my attitude is light *

* It doesn’t mean
that I’m not serious *

* I read Newsweek
twice last night *

* So why should I be *

* The brunt of your jokes
or mockery? *

* When I am not a bimbo! *

I know how to work
a Xerox machine,

and it’s really complicated.

I know where the dipstick
in my car is,

you know when the engine
is broken?

I’m not stupid,
I’m the opposite.

Okay, I read my horoscope

but I don’t always
believe in it.

I may be "sprucisferous."

I may be vacuous.

But I am not a bimbo.

It has a negative connotation
or something.

* I am not a bimbo *

*

Sorry.

Audience: Whoo!

* I am not a bimbo *

* So I dot my i’s
with a heart *

* And I sleep
with a teddy bear *

* It doesn’t mean
that I’m not smart *

* I know all about
the ozone layer *

* You see, I am not a bimbo *

*

( music stops )

You know that
the Second Law
of Thermodynamics

says the world
is in a state of entropy?

Really?

( audience applauding )

You nailed it.

- Thank you!
- Yeah.

( audience applauding )

Thank you.

Yeah!
Thank you, Victoria.

You know, folks, I’m not only
the Hair Club President,

I’m also a member.

( audience laughing )

While we’re away
this summer,

Lt. Col. Oliver North
testified

before the Iran-Contra
committee,

and the transcripts
of his testimony

are currently available
in book form

and on video cassette.

Some people feel that
Oliver North is a hero.

Well, I’m just glad
the Manson trials

weren’t televised.

( audience laughing )

You know, it’s 15 years ago
today that Elvis--

Well, I’m sure
he did something.

He was the King,
it was the weekend.

( audience laughing )

You know, this week
an Iranian ship

fired machine gun rounds

at an NBC Nightly News
helicopter,

just missing the news crew.

A spokesman for the Iranian
Government apologized

later in the day saying,
"Hey, we’re sorry!

We thought it was
the Today Showhelicopter!"

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

And I am out of here!

Good night!

( audience cheering )

Beautiful night,
isn’t it?

Certainly is, Captain.

Not many people
get to see a sunset

from this vantage point.

We’re very lucky.

Chief Martin,
may I ask you a question?

Fire away, sir.

How would you gauge the success
of the voyage so far?

Well, I’d say
we’ve done quite well, sir.

No. Really?

Well.

Permission to speak
freely, sir.

Yes, by all means.

You big fat
stinking bastard!

God, how I hate you!

You make me want to puke
with your flatulent breath

and your "Oh, I order you
to do this"

and "I order you
to do that."

Who the hell
do you think you are,

you pusillanimous bag
of wheat-gold goat manure!
( audience laughing )

If I had a dollar--
No, if I had a nickel

- for every...
- Okay, okay, that’s enough!

- I meant about the voyage.
- Oh!

What’s going on here?

What’s all this commotion?

Come on,
I want some answers!

Permission to speak
freely, sir?

Yes, go ahead.

Rot in hell!

You great simpering
shovel-full of dog barf!

Who died and made you king?
You fatuous sweating imbecile!

If you had any brains in that
thick trunk skull of yours,

you’d still be
a pathetic mush-pot!

Male voice on P.A.:
Now hear this.
Now hear this.

Permission to speak freely
has been rescinded

for the remainder
of the voyage.

That is all.
( audience cheering )

Don Pardo:
Good evening, and welcome to
Pumping Up with Hans & Franz,

the informative
training program

for the serious weightlifter.

Hello. Let us begin
by introducing ourselves.

I am Hans.

And I am Franz.

- And we want to pump you up!
- And we want to pump you up!

A little bit
about ourselves,

we come from a state
from a small village

of weightlifters
in Austria.

Yeah, we hope to follow
in our cousin’s footsteps,

the greatest bodybuilder
in the history of the world.

Maybe you’ve heard of him?

- Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger.

( audience laughing )

Okay, let’s get started.

First of all, before you pump,
you must warm up

or else you might hurt
your muscles.

Now, listen here.
We can’t make you warm up.

It’s entirely up to you.

Yeah, that’s right, you know.
Believe me now.

It’s not our job
to check up on you, either!

So, you know, if you’re
not gonna do it,

don’t be
jerking us around.

- We don’t have the time.
- All we want to do is...

- Pump you up!
- Pump you up!

( audience laughing )

Okay, enough talk.

Now, it’s time
to go for a pump.

Hans will show you the proper
way to lift the weight.

Now, pay attention.

Yeah, you better be
paying attention

because we’re not working
for nothing up here.

Listen, believe this now
and believe me later.

You know, if you
don’t think this matters,

then maybe we should take
a belt to your buttocks muscle

until it’s all black
and blue and swollen.
( audience laughing )

Alright, enough talk.
All we want to do is...

- Pump you up!
- Pump you up!

Alright, let’s move on
with the program.

You might ask yourself,
"Hans & Franz,

where do you go
once you pump the muscle?"

Well, if you’re not
a cry-baby,

you enter
a Mr. Universe competition.

Yeah, Hans, that’s why
it’s important

that you learn to pose
and show off your pump.

( audience laughing )

You know, some of you
might think this as funny,

for sissies, so go ahead
and laugh now,

but let me tell you
something my friend.

- We’ll be the ones
that’s laughing later.
- That’s right.

You know, hear me now
and believe this later.

You know, if you want
to play games with us,

let me tell you one thing.

- Let the games begin.
- Yeah! Yeah!

Listen, maybe you don’t
understand English.

Maybe the only time
you understand

is when you’re pummeled
and beaten with a fist

full of pumped-up muscle...

Alright, enough talk.

We’re not here to cut you down,
you know, we’re here to....

- Pump you up!
- Pump you up!

Okay, back to the program.

For those of you who are
very serious about the pump,

you might be saying,
"Hey, Hans & Franz,

we can’t get enough
of the program,

what else can we do?"

Well, Hans, they can send away
for our home video right here,

you know, of pumping up.

It’s called
"Pumping You Up."

That’s right.
It’s only $9.95.

Here’s a quick look
at what you get.

Believe me now
and hear me later.

It is people like you
that are smelly trash,

- and are pitiful.
- Yeah, yeah!

Believe me, my friend,

when a pathetic loser walks
into the room, people know.

You know,
they can smell him!

Yeah!
Because he smells like a...

That’s right.

You just get out
of our face,

and have another bowl
of Haagen-Daaz!

If you don’t work out,
somebody should grab you

by the jockstrap and give you
the wedgie of your life!

Yeah, you fat bloody pigs,
you know that.

- Yeah. We don’t need your kind.
- We don’t want
to get you on our face.

We don’t need you.

People like you.

- That’s right!
- We don’t need them.

( audience applauding )

Thank you very much
for tuning in.

We’ll see you next week.
Good night everybody!

( audience applauding )