Original subtitles

REGIONALS!

WE’RE ON NEXT. I’M SO NERVOUS.

WHY? BECAUSE WINNING THIS COULD LAUNCH US TO NATIONALS,

AND NATIONALS COULD LAUNCH US TO BIGGER NATIONALS,

MAYBE WE COULD GET A GIG

MARCHING IN THE MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.

AND THEN...

OKAY, OKAY. RAMIREZ, REMEMBER,

IT’S STEP, STOP, STEP.

NOT STOP, STOP,

PICK YOUR NOSE, STEP, ALL RIGHT?

NOW GIRLS, THIS IS THE SAME ROUTINE

THAT WE’VE DONE ALL SEASON, ALL RIGHT?

YOU’RE GOING TO BE JUST FINE.

ARE YOU SURE, COACH GILL?

YES, BECAUSE THE JUDGES THIS YEAR HAVE LOWERED THEIR STANDARDS.

YAY! WE’RE GONNA WIN!

SHH.

YEAH. ZOE?

FRONT AND CENTER.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE?

NO. I THINK YOU MAY BE THE GEEKIEST ONE HERE,

SO YOU’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

IT’S A NEW THING FROM THE DEAN.

HE WANTS A LIVE FEED OF THE MARCHING BAND FOR HIS JUMBO SCREEN.

OKAY, USE IT, DON’T USE IT.

I DON’T GIVE A SHIT, BUT LISTEN...

YOU GUYS, LET’S JUST MAKE IT THROUGH THE NEXT 20 MINUTES

WITHOUT EMBARRASSING OURSELVES.

SO THIS CAMERA COULD CHANGE OUR LIVES FOREVER.

OH, SURE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO ATTACH IT TO MY EUPHONIUM?

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FIGURE IT OUT.

GIRLS, NINE MINUTES, AND THEN I WANT A FORMATION.

NINE MINUTES? JESUS.

WHAT DID COACH GILL WANT?

TO CHANGE OUR LIVES FOREVER.

COOL.

DEAN HANLON, LOOKING SHARP.

DO I KNOW YOU?

WELL, OUR LITTLE ALICE IS GOING TO REGIONALS.

OH, YES. ALISON. ALICE.

SO, DEAN HANLON, DO YOU THINK

SHE’LL MEET BOYS WHEN SHE GOES TO FLORIDA?

BOYS? WHAT, I DON’T...

WELL, IT’S SPRING BREAK. SHE’S GOING TO MEET, LIKE, SUPER HOT GUYS.

LIKE ABS, MUSCLES... ALISON?

ALICE.

SHE’LL BE FINE.

YOUR SISTER. GIRLFRIEND.

GIRLFRIEND?

WE’LL ALL BE SAFE, OKAY?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT?

I’M GONNA GO SIT DOWN NOW.

YEAH, YEAH. RIGHT. COOL.

HEY, WELL, WE’LL SEE YOU AT NATIONALS.

I DOUBT IT.

WAIT, GUYS: DO YOU HEAR THAT?

ZOE.

GOD, THE CROWD CAN’T WAIT.

THEY LOVE US.

THEY ABSOLUTELY DO.

ZOE!

ALICE?

YES? OH, HELLO.

YEAH!

DO YOU THINK MY BOOBS ARE EVEN?

YEAH, THEY’RE...

CHECK MINE.

OH, THEY’RE... HOW DO THEY LOOK?

OKAY, GUYS? COULD YOU GET DRESSED NOW?

LET’S PUT THE CLOTHES ON, NOT TAKE THEM OFF.

NO!

HEY, THERE, PRICKLY PEAR.

OH!

PROBABLY BETTER SHAVE BEFORE WE GO OUT THERE.

YEP.

YOU KNOW, IF WE WIN THIS,

IF WE DO NATIONALS... MM-HMM.

IN FLORIDA.

I’VE NEVER BEEN TO NATIONALS.

I MEAN, I’VE NEVER BEEN TO FLORIDA.

I’VE NEVER EVEN BEEN OUT OF THE STATE.

WE’RE GOING TO FLORIDA!

WE’RE GOING TO FLORIDA! WE’RE GOING TO FLORIDA!

BOOBIES, BOOBIES.

BOOBIES, BOOBIES.

BOOBIES, BOOBIES.

WE’RE GOING TO NATIONALS! WE’RE GOING TO NATIONALS!

POO BEAR!?

BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS.

WE’RE GOING TO NATIONALS! HEY, LADY GAG-ME.

GE THE HELL DRESSED.

OKAY. YEAH.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

I’M SO PROUD OF YOU.

KISS, KISS, KISS.

I JUST KNOW WE’RE GONNA WIN.

I JUST KNOW WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT.

MY GRANDMOTHER AND CHARLIE, WHEN THEY WENT TO SCHOOL HERE,

THEY MADE IT TO NATIONALS,

AND MY MOM DID, TOO.

AND NOW WE’RE GOING, I JUST KNOW WE’RE GOING TO MAKE IT.

HEY, HIPPIE CHICK.

I’M NOT GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN.

GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW.

NO!

GIRLS, HEY!

WHY AREN’T YOU DRESSED? I SAID FORMATION ONE.

COME ON.

CAMERA! MEN IN THE LOCKER ROOM!

AH!

THE CAMERA, THE CAMERA’S ON.

TURN IT OFF! WE COULD SEE EVERYTHING.

IT’S STILL ON.

HOW DO YOU TURN THIS DAMN THING OFF?

THIS. YOU.

THE CROWD. JUMBOTRON.

BOOBS!

IN MY OFFICE.

GIRL, I THINK THE THING WE CAN TAKE AWAY FROM THIS

IS THAT DRUGS ARE NO GOOD.

NOW FORMATION ONE, FOR THE LAST TIME.

YOU’VE GOT ONE MINUTE.

GET DRESSED.

COACH GILL.

YOU AND THIS, UM...

BAND. THE BAND.

A BAND.

AND THAT RECORDING...

THE VIDEO. YEAH, THE VIDEO.

LOOK, SO WE MADE A STUPID MISTAKE.

IT WAS... YOU KNOW, EVERYONE HAD A CHEAP THRILL.

"OH MY GOD." NO ONE WAS HARMED.

THAT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL.

IT’S A NON-ISSUE. THE GIRLS LOST. SHOCKER.

WE’RE NOT GONNA GET PAST THE REGIONALS.

OH MY GOD!

I THINK WHAT YOU AND I OUGHT TO DO

IS HEAD OVER TO REGGIE’S AND GRAB A FUCKING DRINK.

SIT.

NO, I’M GONNA GO GET A DRINK

AND PRETEND MY LIFE MEANS SOMETHING.

GILL... I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS.

YOU’RE GOING TO THE NATIONALS.

I’M GETTING DRUNK.

YOU’RE GOING.

WE FUCKING SUCKED.

YES, TRUE, BUT IT’S NOT THE ISSUE.

SIT DOWN.

WHAT’S HE SAYING?

I SWEAR TO GOD, ZOE, IF YOU BLEW THIS FOR ME.

ME?

I’M ON A SCHOLARSHIP. ME, TOO.

SCHOLARSHIPS?

YOU CAN GET THOSE HERE?

OH, YEAH.

WE’RE GOING TO NATIONALS.

ABOUT TIME.

COACH GILL, WHERE THE HELL’S THE BUS?

IT’S LATE.

YOU KNOW BUSSES. THEY’RE ALWAYS LATE.

YOU OKAY, SNUGGLE BUNNY?

OH, POO BEAR.

I KNOW WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, AND I’LL BE OKAY IN FLORIDA.

EVEN IF IT IS SPRING BREAK.

THAT’S NOT ME, YOU KNOW THAT.

BESIDES, I KNOW YOU’RE LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME

WITH YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND, HANK.

YEAH.

ANYWAY, UM...

LOOK, I JUST...

I THINK THAT IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE A SEX TAPE...

WHAT? I MEAN, THAT’S COOL IF YOU DID.

I DON’T WANT TO MAKE A SEX TAPE. DO YOU?

NO. I MEAN, YOU KNOW I’M KINDA...

SMALL. NO, NOT...

VERY SMALL.

NOT VERY. OH, IT’S OKAY.

WE HAVE THE DRUMSTICK.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE I USE ON YOU.

YEAH, THAT ONE.

BESIDES, TOO BIG IS...

HEY, I COMPENSATE, RIGHT?

NOT REALLY, BUT THAT’S OKAY.

I PROMISE TO ONLY MAKE SEX TAPES WITH YOU.

AND WE CAN USE YOUR MOM’S VIDEO CAMERA.

AND NO ONE WILL SEE YOUR CRAIG JR.

OKAY? OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I’LL MISS YOU.

I’LL MISS YOU, TOO.

HEY, MICHELLE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I MISSED MY FUCKING PLANE. WHAT?

MY BITCH-ASS MOTHER WOULDN’T STOP TALKING.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT.

YOUR HOUSE SOUNDS LIKE A LOVELY PLACE.

WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HEY, GIRLS, JUST CHILL, ALL RIGHT?

GET YOUR STUFF READY TO PACK UP, HERE.

CAREFUL.

IT’S JUST A EUPHONIUM.

NO, THIS IS CHARLIE, OKAY?

HE WAS MY GRANDMA’S.

IT’S THE ONLY THING I HAVE LEFT FROM HER.

OH, I’M SORRY.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T PLAY IT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST HANG IT ON YOUR WALL

AND PLEASURE YOURSELF WHILE YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR GRANNY.

WELL, MAYBE I’LL THINK ABOUT YOU.

EWW.

SO, I’M ACTUALLY A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS

BECAUSE I’VE ACTUALLY NEVER DRIVEN A BUS THIS BIG.

I’M SURE I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO ANYTHING.

BUT... YEAH, IT’S JUST LIKE DRIVING A CAR.

YOU KNOW, YOU PUT IT IN D FOR GO,

AND R FOR BACK.

OKAY, BUT IT’S FULL OF INSTRUMENTS... P FOR PARK.

THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. I DON’T WANT TO MESS IT UP.

I HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN YOU, SWEETHEART.

OKAY, I’M JUST GONNA... NO SWEAT.

MAKE SURE THE INSTRUMENTS... GOOD IDEA.

SO, WE’RE READY TO BE PACKED, RIGHT?

ON TO THE BUS.

YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE ALL THE INSTRUMENTS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I REALLY THINK THAT ZOE

SHOULD JUST TAKE THE PLANE WITH THE OTHER GIRLS.

I MEAN, WE’RE KINDA FULL AS IT IS,

AND SHE’S REALLY ANNOYING.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. I CAN’T LEAVE CHARLIE.

YOU KNOW, ZOE, YOU REALLY DO HAVE

AN UNNATURAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR INSTRUMENT.

YOU REALIZE THAT, RIGHT?

NO, HE WAS MY GRANDMA’S.

WELL, THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS.

LOOK, TWO DAYS, I’LL SEE YOU GUYS IN MIAMI, FLORIDA.

ALL RIGHT, ANYTHING GOES WRONG, JUST FIGURE IT OUT.

IS THERE ANY REASON WHY IT SMELLS LIKE ASS?

YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN THE PLANE WITH THE OTHER GIRLS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

AND BREATHE RECYCLED AIR?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BAD THAT IS FOR YOU?

FINE. WHITNEY, YOU’RE IN CHARGE.

OF COURSE I AM.

HEY, COACH? HEY, ALICE.

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE A CHANCE OF WINNING THE NATIONALS?

UH, NO.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA DO FINE.

I’LL SEE YOU IN FLORIDA. DRIVE CAREFUL.

IT’LL BE FINE.

REALLY? A SHORT BUS?

LET’S GO, RETARDS.

WHY WOULD COACH GILL, EVEN SAY THAT?

NO?

HE’S ON MEDICATION. YEAH.

NO, HE’S TRYING TO MOTIVATE US.

THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF MOTIVATING US.

I’M MOTIVATED.

NO, I READ ABOUT IT.

IT’S CALLED REVERSE MOTION EMPATHY.

TRUE.

HE WANTS US TO SUCCEED BY PUTTING US DOWN.

IT’S BRILLIANT, ACTUALLY.

IT’S CALLED PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.

LOOK, OUR COACH IS A DRUNK, OKAY?

BUT WE’RE GONNA WIN IN SPITE OF HIM, RIGHT?

YEAH. SURE.

WE ARE. YEAH.

♪ YOU GOTTA KEEP ON DREAMING

♪ KEEP ON SCHEMING

♪ DON’T LET THE TIMES GET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ KEEP ON RISING, KEEP ON CLIMBING ♪

♪ THE TIME IS NOW

♪ DIG OUT YOUR SOUL

♪ DIG IT SO THE WHOLE WORLD SEES IT SHINE ♪

♪ SHINE ON LIKE A DIAMOND, BABY ♪

♪ GIVE THESE LAZY BONES SOME TIME ♪

♪ DON’T LET THE STARS ABOVE DRAG YOU ALL DOWN ♪

♪ SCRAPE THE SHIT RIGHT OFF OF YOUR SHOES ♪

♪ AND SHOW THEM WHO IS WHO ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO KEEP ON DREAMING

♪ KEEP ON SCHEMING

♪ DON’T LET THE TIMES GET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ KEEP ON RISING, KEEP ON CLIMBING ♪

♪ THE TIME IS NOW

♪ KEEP ON LIVING, KEEP ON GIVING ♪

ZOE!

REALLY? REALLY.

YOU’RE REALLY PLAYING RIGHT NOW.

COULD YOU PUT THAT FUCKING THING AWAY?

WE’RE TRYING TO SLEEP.

STOP FUCKING PLAYING, ZOE.

I’M GONNA SHOVE THAT UP YOUR ASS.

GIVE IT TO ME.

UGH, I’M TRYING TO PRACTICE, OKAY?

I HAVE TO BE PERFECT.

ZOE!

GUYS, REST STOP. FIVE MINUTE BREAK.

HEY, COACH GILL, WHAT’S UP?

OH, YEAH. WE’RE JUST STOPPING FOR GAS.

I DON’T KNOW...

WHOSE CLARINET?

KAREN, THAT DUMBASS.

OKAY.

HEY, WILL YOU FILL UP THE TANK FOR ME REAL QUICK?

I’M GONNA GO LOOK FOR SOMETHING.

OKAY.

HEY.

YOU HEADED DOWN TO SPRING BREAK?

SPRING WHAT?

MAYBE I’LL SEE YOU DOWN THERE, YOU KNOW?

YOU SHOULD ENTER ONE OF THOSE WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS.

I’D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON UNDER THERE.

OH.

NO.

OKAY. IT’S TOO BAD.

QUEEF YOU LATER.

OKAY.

FLORIDA! THERE’S THE SIGN.

READY?

BEAT THE DRUMS.

BEAT, BEAT THE DRUMS.

BEAT THE DRUMS. BEAT, BEAT THE DRUMS.

PLAY THE FLUTE. PLAY, PLAY THE FLUTE.

PLAY THE FLUTE. PLAY, PLAY THE FLUTE.

MARCH THE BAND. MARCH, MARCH THE BAND.

MARCH THE BAND. MARCH, MARCH THE BAND.

WIN THE NATIONALS. WIN, WIN THE NATIONALS.

WIN THE NATIONALS...

GIRLS, GIRLS, YOU DO REALIZE

WE HAVE OVER 200 MILES TO GO?

200 LONG MILES.

WIN THE NATIONALS. WIN, WIN THE NATIONALS.

JESUS.

WIN THE NATIONALS...

OH MY GOD, THERE’S SMOKE POURING OUT OF THE HOOD.

SHIT, I THINK WE’RE BREAKING DOWN.

CONTROL THE BUS!

I CAN’T CONTROL IT!

MY EUPHONIUM!

OH MY GOD!

I’M STOPPING!

JESUS.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?

DID YOU HIT SOMEBODY?

MY UNCLE DID THAT ONCE

AND NOW WE HAVE A BODY IN THE BACKYARD.

I DIDN’T HIT ANYONE, OKAY?

SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH THE BUS.

OH.

YOU GUYS...

CHARLIE’S OKAY.

EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE OKAY.

WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP

WITH YOUR STUPID EUPHONIUM, OKAY?

WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO MIAMI.

WE CAN TAKE A BUS.

MORON.

SOMEONE CALL A TOW TRUCK.

RIGHT.

WHAT’S EVERYONE LOOKING AT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ABOUT WHAT?

I HAVE NO IDEA, OKAY?

HE’S BEEN UNDER THE HOOD FOR 15 MINUTES.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT. WE CAN CALL IT.

WHAT? NO, OKAY?

WE’RE CLOSE. WE’RE ONLY, LIKE, 500 MILES AWAY.

I DON’T SEE IT.

I THINK IT’S IMPOSSIBLE, SWEETIE.

NO, OKAY, ALL RIGHT?

WE’LL MAKE IT.

WE’LL BE THERE IN, LIKE, A DAY OR SO.

YEP.

OKAY, HOLD ON. I THINK HE’S DONE.

I’LL CALL YOU BACK. BYE.

GOODBYE.

WELL, LOOK, I AIN’T NO MECHANIC.

BUT IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.

WHAT?

WELL, SOMEONE PUT GASOLINE IN THIS THING.

ZOE!

WHAT?

DIESEL! A BUS TAKES DIESEL.

BUT YOU NEVER SAID...

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BUSSES TAKE DIESEL.

COME ON, WE’RE IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE, NOT KINDERGARTEN.

YOU PUT GASOLINE IN A DIESEL TANK?

FML, DAMN YOU MOM.

WELL, I’M SORRY. I DON’T DRIVE A BUS.

I DON’T FEEL SO GOOD, GUYS.

I FEEL REALLY HOT. I DON’T FEEL GOOD.

IS THAT ELVIS?

YOU LOOK KINDA WEIRD.

ANYWAY, YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO NEED YOURSELVES A NEW MOTOR.

OH, AND HOW MUCH IS THAT GONNA COST?

BUS LIKE THIS? I DUNNO, THREE. FOUR, MAYBE.

HUNDRED? THOUSAND.

THREE TO FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND?

DAMN.

YEAH. ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK FINDING YOURSELVES A MECHANIC THIS WEEKEND.

YOU KNOW, SPRING BREAK AND ALL.

NO, NO. SEE, WE HAVE TO GET TO MIAMI

BECAUSE, LIKE, OUR WHOLE BAND

AND OUR FUTURE IS DEPENDING ON THIS.

SORRY, LADIES. WISH I HAD BETTER NEWS FOR YOU.

YOU DO REALIZE YOU’RE THE REASON

WE’RE NOT GOING TO NATIONALS, RIGHT?

WELL, I...

SO THIS IS WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO.

BUY AN ENGINE, GET TO NATIONALS.

SEE? PROBLEM SOLVED.

AND WHERE ARE WE GONNA GET THE MONEY, BRAIN TRUST?

ASK COACH GILL. HA!

OOH, THIS SUCKS!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KILLED OUR BUS,

YOU KILLED OUR CHANCES OF GOING TO NATIONALS.

YOU KILLED MY FUTURE.

YOU KILLED MY UNBORN CHILDREN

BECAUSE I’M PROBABLY GOING TO GROW UP

IN SOME NOWHERE TOWN WITH SOME LOSER HUSBAND

SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST KILL MYSELF.

THANK YOU, ZOE.

GUYS, I’M SORRY.

I...

HI, I’M CONSTANCE.

DON’T CARE.

OKAY. WOULD YOU ALL SIGN MY "BAN THE BREAK" PETITION?

SURE.

DO YOU HAVE $4000 TO BUY US A NEW ENGINE?

NO.

THEN GET OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE.

WHAT’S BAN THE BREAK?

BAN THE BREAK. STRING BREAK.

THEY’RE HAVING FUN.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BAN THAT?

IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

YES, IT IS. AND FYI, I HAVE MY REASONS.

FYI? WHAT’S THAT?

GUYS, UH...

WHOA, WHOA. HEY THERE.

I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU NOW.

EASY. COME ON. LET’S JUST COME OVER HERE.

FRANNY?

OH, I THINK I’M GETTING HOT.

OH, I THINK I’M GETTING DELIRIOUS.

SOMEBODY CATCH ME.

OKAY, GUYS, LET’S JUST GET HER UP

AND GET HER OUT OF THE SUN, OKAY?

LET’S TAKE HER OVER THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

UP WE GO. UP WE GO HERE.

I GOT YOU. EASY. COME ON.

UP YOU GO. YOU ALL RIGHT?

WAIT!

FUCKING REDNECK.

WAY TO BE A GENTLEMAN.

NO!

THIS WITH THE BUS, AND STOPPING?

DEAN, TAKE A BREATH.

NATIONALS. NATIONALS!

HEY, MAN, YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT.

YOU NEED TO GET THOSE GIRLS TO FLORIDA TO MAKE THE NATIONALS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

LOOK, I THINK YOU’RE WORKING WAY TOO HARD.

LOOK, I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE MARRIED TO MY SISTER.

I WILL FIRE YOU IF YOU DO NOT GET THOSE GIRLS TO FLORIDA.

YOU REMEMBER THAT SHIT I GAVE YOU, DEAN?

YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME MORE OF THAT, MAN.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT IS THIS?

SHE’S GOT A TOUCH OF HEATSTROKE, MAN.

COULD YOU GET SOME WATER?

IS SHE DEAD?

SHE’S NOT DEAD, IDIOT. NO ONE DIED.

BUT SHE’S NOT MOVING.

SHE JUST NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THE SUN.

MOM, THIS IS BULLSHIT.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW?

NO, NO. LISTEN TO ME.

YOU’RE SUCH A BITCH.

OKAY, LISTEN, YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS.

JUST TAKE CARE OF THIS.

JUST, UH...

WHAT? IT WORKS ON TV.

FUCKING GOD, STOP BREATHING.

WHERE ARE WE? LOOK, ZOE, YOU SAVED HER.

SHE DID NOT SAVE HER.

ZOE, YOU COULD BE A DOCTOR.

CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE, PLEASE?

THIS PLACE IS GIVING ME A COMPLEX.

I SHOULD BE IN SOME NICE-ASS HOTEL.

NOT SOME DIRTY TITTY-BAR IN THE MIDDLE OF EAST BUMBLEFUCK.

YOUR HANDS ARE DIRTY.

UGH, DON’T TOUCH ME.

RUB IT.

OKAY.

OH.

♪ SOUNDS CRAZY TO YOU

♪ BUT WHY SHOULD I CARE, OH, REALLY? ♪

OKAY.

WELL, I’M GONNA GO GET YOU GIRLS A TOW FOR YOUR BUS.

OH, GOD. IT’S GILL.

OH. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY?

I GUESS THAT’S HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO PERFORM

WITHOUT THE INSTRUMENTS AND WITHOUT US.

WELL... HELLO?

IS THAT POSSIBLE?

LADIES.

LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD USE A REFRESHER.

MMM, YUMMY.

WHAT, THAT SHIT?

MM-HMM.

A REAL SOUTHERN BOY?

SOUTHERN FRIED GENTLEMAN. FINGER LICKING GOOD.

WOW, THAT LINE IS ABOUT AS OLD AS YOUR HAIRCUT.

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

DO YOU DO PORN?

LOOK, MEAT PUPPETS, AS SOON AS OUR BUS IS FIXED,

WE’RE OUT OF THIS TWILIGHT ZONE TOWN, GOT IT, CLEM?

MAN, IS IT HOT IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST ME?

OH MY GOD, I JUST GOT WET.

YOU’RE SUCH A SLUT.

FOCUS, FOCUS.

FOCUS ON THIS.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I COULDN’T HELP BUT OVERHEAR YOUR PREDICAMENT.

THERE ARE WAYS OF MAKING MONEY IN THIS TOWN.

NO FUCKING WAY.

OOH.

YOU GUYS HAVE SOME SERIOUS POTENTIAL.

♪ WATCH ME

♪ ROUND AND ROUND

♪ UPSIDE DOWN

♪ SILENT

♪ FEVER’S RISING ♪

♪ FASCINATION

♪ OH, I’M SUCH A BAD GIRL ♪

♪ I GOT YOU...

♪ I GOT YOU...

♪ KISS ME

♪ SPIN ME AROUND

♪ KISS ME

♪ SPIN ME AROUND

♪ I’M SUCH A BAD GIRL ♪

BUT EVEN IF WE HAD THE ENGINE,

IT WOULD TAKE THEM A WEEK TO FIX IT.

WHITNEY, YOU’RE JUST SEVEN OR NINE HOURS AWAY.

WE CAN GET A BUS AND GET OVER TO MIAMI

AND MEET THE REST OF THE BAND.

WHAT, AND LEAVE THE INSTRUMENTS?

IT’D PROBABLY MAKE YOU SOUND BETTER.

WE CAN SHIP THEM.

CAN’T AFFORD IT.

THIS ISN’T A STATE COLLEGE.

DON’T YOU HAVE INSURANCE?

MAYBE, BUT THERE’S NOT REALLY ANY INSURANCE

IN GETTING YOU TO NATIONALS IN 48 HOURS.

SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

UH, I DON’T KNOW. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

NOTHING.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I’LL DRIVE UP THERE.

FINE.

WOW. LOOK AT THIS.

ALL RIGHT, MOVE OVER.

OH.

GRR.

I LOVE COUGARS.

FUCK YOU, I’M 24 YEARS OLD.

AH, MILF TERRITORY. I LIKE IT.

MILF?

WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU FIND THESE GUYS?

SO WHAT DID COACH GILL SAY?

HE’S COMING OVER. HE’S DRIVING.

HE WON’T MAKE IT IN TIME.

PROBABLY NOT.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

YOU CAN STAY AT MY PLACE.

THANKS, BUT NO THANKS. ACTUALLY, JUST NO, MINUS THE THANKS.

SO, HOW ARE WE GOING TO MAKE IT TO NATIONALS BY SATURDAY?

WE COULD TIME TRAVEL.

OKAY. YOU GET ON THAT.

OR WE COULD TAKE A PLANE, OR A BUS, OR A TRAIN.

YEAH, TIME TRAVEL’S A BETTER IDEA.

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE COOL.

WHATEVER WE DECIDE, WE HAVE TO TAKE ALL THE INSTRUMENTS.

WELL, LET’S JUST RENT ANOTHER BUS.

I MEAN, A BIG ONE.

I BET YOU BOYS HAVE A BIG BUS.

I’LL SHOW YOU A BIG BUS.

HOW BIG?

HUGE.

LONG, WIDE,

PUSH AND PULL DOORS.

EMERGENCY EXIT AND ALL.

REALLY WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO BE CLICHÉ THERE, DIDN’T YOU...

UM...

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I’M JUST... DO YOU HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR?

NO! I NEED SOME AIR.

HEY, LOOK, WE’LL JUST WAIT FOR COACH GILL, OKAY?

I MEAN, WE CAN MAKE IT TO NATIONALS,

AND HE’S SMART ENOUGH. HE CAN FIND US THERE.

THAT BUS HAS 69 INSTRUMENTS IN IT

AND SIX OF THEM ARE SOUSAPHONES.

WE NEED ANOTHER BUS.

WE’RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, WE’VE LET THE WHOLE BAND DOWN.

BY WE, I MEAN YOU, ZOE.

WE’LL CHARTER ANOTHER BUS.

WITH WHAT? WE HAVE NO MONEY.

COACH GILL HAS MONEY.

NOT THAT KIND OF MONEY.

WELL, HOW MUCH?

TO CHARTER A BUS? LIKE, A COUPLE THOUSAND.

WELL, THAT’S BETTER THAN 4000.

AND THAT’S WAY BETTER THAN 400,000.

SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT.

SHE’S NOT AN IDIOT. YES, SHE IS.

I JUST WANT ALL OF YOU GUYS TO STOP TALKING.

NOT TALKING.

HOLD ON. FROM NOW ON, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK.

I HATE YOU, MOM.

JUST SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!

OKAY! TALKING... I’M STILL TALKING.

ALL RIGHT, HERE’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO. HERE’S THE PLAN.

I’M GONNA GO LOCATE US A MECHANIC.

FRANNY. FRANNY?

YEAH?

I WANT YOU TO GO FIND US A BUS TO CHARTER, OKAY?

AND YOU GUYS JUST HANG OUT

AND TRY NOT THE MESS ANYTHING ELSE UP, OKAY?

ZIP!

WELL, HOW CAN WE MAKE THE 2000?

I DON’T KNOW.

JUST WHATEVER YOU DO,

JUST MAKE SURE YOU ONLY USE YOUR BODY PARTS.

OKAY, LIKE YOUR ORGANS, ALL RIGHT?

ARE WE CLEAR?

OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, FRANNY.

YOU GUYS, I REALLY THINK WE SHOULD DANCE ON THE POLE, OKAY?

I MEAN, WE’RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.

DO I HAVE TO SHOW MY CUPCAKES?

THAT’S WHAT CRAIG CALLS THEM.

REALLY?

HI, GIRLS. ARE YOU FINALLY READY TO SIGN MY ANTI-SPRING BREAK PETITION?

OKAY.

ALICE, YOU CAN’T JUST SIGN ANYTHING.

OH. WHAT IS THIS?

SEE THAT OVER THERE?

THIS TOWN IS FULL OF SLUTTY SLUTTERMANS

AND THEIR SMUTTY SLUTFULNESS.

OKAY, I CAN SEE THAT.

EVERY YEAR, FOR ONE WEEKEND,

ONE ENTIRE WEEKEND,

THIS TOWN PLUNGES INTO A WELL OF DEBAUCHERY

DEPRAVITY, AND DAMNATION.

THEY CALL IT SPRING BREAK.

I CALL IT SPRING BREAK ME DOWN.

I’M WORKING ON IT. IT’S NOT A FINISHED TITLE.

THE POINT IS

FOR 48 HOURS THIS TOWN CHANGES

INTO SOME PLACE LIKE NEW ORLEANS

SOUTHERN FLORIDA, OR EVEN MEXICO,

WITH THE LATINOS, LATINAS, BURRITOS, FAJITAS.

WHATEVER.

SO PLEASE, SIGN THIS.

OKAY.

GREAT.

OH, IF I SIGN THIS, WILL YOU WATCH ME DANCE

AND GIVE ME A FEW DOLLARS? HUH? NO.

OH, ARE YOU POLE DANCING, TOO?

NO, I DON’T.

ARE YOU SHY?

NO, I JUST...

WELL, ’CAUSE YOU HAVE REALLY GREAT BREASTS.

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DANCE.

YEAH, REALLY NICE.

JUST SIGN THE DAMN PETITION.

THANKS.

I WONDER WHY SHE HATES SPRING BREAK SO MUCH.

MAYBE SHE’S MORMON.

♪ DIM THE LIGHTS, SHUT THE DOORS ♪

♪ SPEAKERS ON, HEAR THE STRINGS ♪

♪ TAKE YOUR SPACE, TIE YOUR SHOES ♪

♪ BRING THE BASS, HEAR THE STRINGS ♪

♪ DIM THE LIGHTS, SHUT THE DOORS ♪

♪ SPEAKERS ON, HEAR THE STRINGS ♪

♪ TAKE YOUR SPACE, TIE YOUR SHOES ♪

♪ BRING THE BASS, HEAR THE STRINGS ♪

♪ JUMP UP AND DOWN

♪ JUMP UP, SWING AROUND

♪ JUMP UP THIS BAR

♪ JUMP IT UP

♪ JUMP UP AND DOWN

♪ JUMP UP, SWING AROUND

♪ JUMP UP THIS BAR

♪ JUMP IT UP

♪ BODIES ON FIRE FULL OF HEAT ♪

♪ PLAY THE RECORD, NEEDLE THREAD ♪

♪ OUR IMPULSES TELL US WE MUST GO ♪

♪ WITH OUR DIGNITY, WE HAVE NO PAIN ♪

♪ AS FOR YOUR MAMAS

♪ LA LA LA LA

♪ WEAR WHAT YOU WANT AND BE YOUR OWN ROCK ♪

♪ NO ONE REALLY CARES...

♪ DANCE WITH ME, AND ROCK CAUSE WE WON’T STOP ♪

♪ DANCE WITH ME, AND ROCK CAUSE WE WON’T STOP ♪

♪ DANCE WITH ME, AND ROCK CAUSE WE WON’T STOP ♪

♪ DANCE WITH ME, AND ROCK CAUSE WE WON’T STOP ♪

♪

LADIES.

BOYS.

YOUR BACK. YOUR FRONT.

YOU’RE STUPID. GET OUT OF MY WAY.

ONE OF YOU WOULDN’T HAPPEN TO BE A MECHANIC, WOULD YOU?

ARE YOU PLAYING ROLE FANTASIES?

UH, NO.

REAL QUESTION.

THEN NO.

MAYBE I COULD HELP YOU. WHAT YOU NEED FIXING WITH?

WELL, WE REALLY NEED $3000 TO FIX OUR BUS

SO WE CAN GET TO SOUTH FLORIDA.

BABY, YOU DON’T NEED TO GO DOWN THERE.

THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS, TENACIOUS,

HELLACIOUS SPRING BREAKISH

PARTY OF THE CENTURY STARTS RIGHT HERE.

UH, THOSE AREN’T REAL WORDS.

YEAH, THEY ARE. IT DOESN’T MATTER.

THE POINT IS YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

UNTIL YOU GET NASTY WITH THE NATIVES.

OKAY. THAT’S RIGHT.

BODY SHOT, BODY SHOT.

HOLY SHIT.

SO PRETTY.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?

OH MY GOD, IT’S SO PRETTY.

FIRE! OH MY GOD!

WHAT THE FUCK?

I’M SO SORRY, I’M REALLY TICKLISH.

THIS BAR HAS BEEN HERE IN ITS ORIGINAL SHAPE

FOR 50 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS.

NEVER BEEN CHANGED, IN 10 MINUTES,

YOU RUIN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.

OUT! YOU’RE BANISHED.

NO SPRING BREAKERS. GET OUT OF MY ESTABLISHMENT.

OUT!

YEAH, YOU KEEP RUNNING.

YOU RUN STRAIGHT TO HELL, YOU SPRING BREAK BASTARDS.

DON’T YOU COME BACK.

WOW, THAT WAS...

SO NOT COOL.

I THINK SHE’S ONE OF THOSE BAN THE BREAK GIRLS

ONLY SHE’S MASQUERADING AS A SPRING BREAKER

TO SABOTAGE US.

NO. I JUST HEARD WHAT YOU DID.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

MURPHY, THE BAR OWNER,

IS A CITY COUNCIL MEMBER.

HE IS A HUGE GET FOR US.

US? I’M NOT ONE OF YOU.

YES, YOU ARE. YOU SIGNED OUR PETITION.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. BUT I DIDN’T MEAN...

AND TO THINK THAT I WAS GONNA HAVE A THREE-WAY WITH YOU.

WHAT?

BUT I...

WHERE ARE TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUMBER GOING?

ZOE’S SAD, BECAUSE SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH THOSE TWO.

YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING SLUT.

YOU CAN’T KEEP YOUR LEGS TOGETHER FOR 10 MINUTES?

NO, IT WASN’T A THREESOME, OKAY?

I WAS GOING TO GO DANCE ON THE POLE,

AND THEN THEY DID A SHOT ON MY BODY,

AND THEN THE FIRE HAPPENED...

YOUR BEAUTIFUL FRIEND HERE

JUST HELPED CLOSE DOWN THAT EXOTIC BAR.

NO.

AND LET ME GUESS: IT WASN’T HER FAULT.

WELL, TECHNICALLY...

TECHNICALLY, YOU’RE A DERANGED MORON, OKAY?

WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?

SO DO WE HAVE ANY ANSWER TO OUR BUS PRAYERS?

SHOCKER.

COME ON, GUYS, IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

STOP, REALLY. WE’RE EMBARRASSING OURSELVES.

SHE HAS A POINT.

ALL RIGHT, LET’S JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

NO. GUYS, I...

WAIT. WAIT!

NO, I FOUND IT.

JELLO!

OH, CRAP.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.

I’M GETTING STOPPED?

WHAT DID I DO? I’M NOT SPEEDING.

AH, MAN.

FUCK.

HELLO!

YOU GUYS, LOOK.

HERE’S THE JELLO EATING CONTEST.

WELL, I DON’T GET IT.

HOW IS JELLO GOING TO FIX THE BUS?

WELL, LOOK, THE WINNER GETS $800.

NOBODY IS GOING TO PAY YOU $800 TO EAT JELLO.

AND $800 DON’T BUY US A NEW BUS.

YEAH, BUT IT’S ENOUGH THAT WE COULD RENT ONE.

ZOE IS SO SMART.

AND FRANNY, WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE JELLO.

I DO LOVE JELLO.

GOD.

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

IT PAYS YOU TO DO THINGS YOU WOULD NORMALLY DO FOR FREE.

THAT’S TRUE, I COULD EAT JELLO ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT.

I’VE SEEN HER DO IT. IT’S GROSS.

WILL YOU DO IT?

IF IT GETS US TO NATIONALS, THEN I’M IN.

AWESOME.

COME ON. I THINK THEY’RE DOING IT IN THE BACK.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

WAIT. WHAT’D SHE SAY?

ZOE.

ALICE. LADIES.

WELCOME TO THE JELLO JUNGLE.

ARE YOU HERE TO BEG FOR FORGIVENESS

OR ARE YOU GOING TO TRY TO SHUT THIS DOWN, TOO?

FORGIVENESS. NO!

OKAY, FORGIVEN. ARE YOU HERE TO WATCH?

UH, WE’RE HERE TO WIN.

YEAH.

AND WE HAPPEN TO HAVE A RINGER

WHO LOVES JELLO. SHE LOVES IT.

WELL, WE HAPPEN TO HAVE THE JELLO.

WOW.

THIS ISN’T SANITARY.

OH, I’M SURE IT IS. YEAH, FRAN.

I’M NOT EATING IT.

FRANNY, IT’S NATIONALS. NATIONALS.

I WOULDN’T EAT IT IF MY MOTHER WAS DYING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HEY, IT’S JELLO TIME.

WHO DARES CHALLENGE THIS FINE LADY

TO THE JELLO PIT?

ANY TAKERS? ANYONE AT ALL?

I DO.

PAM! PAM, PAM.

PAM, PAM.

GET IN THERE.

YOU’RE NOT GONNA WHAT? DO THIS?

LET’S GET IT ON. EXCUSE ME?

AND THE PUSSY SAYS WHAT?

WHAT?

OH, PUSSY!

PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY.

I’M NOT A PUSSY. YOU’RE A PUSSY.

YOU’RE A PUSS... PUSSY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LET’S SAVE IT FOR THE JELLO, LADIES.

ARE WE READY?

GO, FRANNY!

DO YOU HAVE A SPOON?

WAIT, I DON’T THINK THIS IS A JELLO EATING CONTEST.

WAIT, WHAT?

FRANNY, YOUR BRA. IT’S A $30 BRA!

THAT’S A $30 BRA, YOU FUCKING BITCH.

GET HER, FRANNY. GET HER, FRANNY. GET HER!

FRANNY, TAG ME IN.

LET ME AT HER.

ALICE! ALICE. ALICE.

ALICE!

ALICE, ALICE, ALICE.

GET HER, ALICE.

OH!

ZOE!

ZOE, HELP ME!

ZOE, HELP!

PAM, YOU’RE SCARY.

DOUBLE TEAM!

OH, YEAH?

GOTCHA.

YOU STUPID LITTLE GIRLS DON’T STAND A CHANCE HERE.

OR IN FLORIDA!

WHERE YOU GOING? BAND CAMP?

OOH!

YOU’RE GOING TO BAND CAMP.

LET ME GET ONE THING STRAIGHT.

THERE AIN’T NOTHING WRONG WITH BAND CAMP.

NO, THERE’S NOT!

I AM THE JELLO QUEEN, BITCH.

GO, WHITNEY!

JELLO QUEEN!

GET OUT, QUEEN. OKAY.

PAM, PAM! HA HA HA!

WHO’S THE PUSSY NOW, HUH?

PAM!

OKAY! PUSSY. PUSSY.

WHERE ARE THE SHOWERS?

MY PLACE.

NO. THEY NEED A PROPER SHOWER.

WHAT’S THAT?

OKAY, OKAY.

WOO!

WOO! OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY, I THINK WE’RE CLEAN NOW.

YEAH. NOT YET.

NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

CAN WE JUST HAVE OUR PRIZE, PLEASE?

YEAH, PRIZE, PLEASE.

YOUR PRIZE.

UH-HUH. YEAH.

LADIES, THERE’S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

TA-DA.

OKAY. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY?

WHEN DO WE GET THE $800?

DOLLARS?

YEAH. UH-HUH.

YOU’RE JOKING, RIGHT?

NO. YOU’RE JOKING, RIGHT?

THIS IS A BEER PROMOTION. YOU GET 4000 BUCKS BEERS.

THAT’S 800 OUNCES.

20 OF THESE 40 OUNCE BOTTLES.

WHAT THE FUCK?

THEY’RE GOOD.

OMFG, I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

ME?

BUT...

MORE FOR US?

GOOD.

AND IT’S NOT BAD.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

BULLSHIT. NO, THEY’RE GOOD.

BULLSHIT. BETTER THAN DOLLARS.

HONEY, YOU DON’T NEED TO REMIND ME.

NO.

LOOK, I’M FULLY AWARE THE DEAN’S YOUR BROTHER.

WHAT?

WHY WOULD THE PLUMBER NEED TO SPEND THE NIGHT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I’M NOT BUYING THAT.

THERE AIN’T NO LEAK BIG ENOUGH

WHERE HE HAS TO BE THERE ALL NIGHT LONG.

YEAH?

WELL, OKAY.

IF THAT’S THE WAY YOU WANT TO PLAY THIS.

BYE.

BITCH.

SHIT, WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?

IS THIS A FLAT TIRE, OR WHAT?

OH, MAN.

AND I’M SO CLOSE.

SHOOT.

HI.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH SPRING BREAK?

LET IT GO, ALREADY.

I’M NOT SOME BIBLE-THUMPING CRAZY.

THIS IS ABOUT THE TOWN.

OH, PLEASE.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU.

THIS IS ABOUT INJUSTICE.

THIS IS ABOUT GETTING LAID, WHICH YOU CLEARLY NEED.

EW. I WOULD NEVER HOOK UP WITH SOME BEER-GUZZLING SPRING BREAKER.

WHO’S TO SAY THEY WANT TO HOOK UP WITH YOU?

I HATE THIS. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

I LIKE REAL MEN, NOT FOOLISH BOYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU JUST NEED SOME LD ALL UP IN THERE.

LD?

LONG... FORGET IT.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME. YOU DON’T KNOW THIS TOWN.

THEY NEED GUIDANCE.

OH, AND YOU’RE GOING TO SHOW THEM?

I DON’T WANT TO,

BUT YES.

WHAT’S THE END GAME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH? JUST TAKE AWAY EVERYONE’S FUN?

NO. WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

LIKE BOARD GAMES. TWISTER, CRAZY EIGHTS.

GOOD, CLEAN FUN.

BULLSHIT! PRUDE!

EVERY FUCKING YEAR WITH THIS.

LET’S GET OUT OF HERE, DUDE.

FUCKING BAND GEEKS.

OH, BUT...

GUYS, WAIT.

WAIT.

YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR,

AND LEFT FRANNY PRACTICALLY CATATONIC.

FOR BEER!

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS WRESTLING.

DO YOU THINK I WOULD LET FRANNY DO JELLO WRESTLING?

NO, I WOULDN’T DO THAT.

I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD SAY JELLO AGAIN.

OH, SORRY.

JELLO. JELLO. JELLO!

JELLO. JELLO. JELLO!

STOP IT!

GOD.

IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.

LOOK, YOU GUYS, I SAID I WAS SORRY.

I KNOW, ZOE.

THESE THINGS JUST HAPPEN.

LOOK, GUYS, THIS IS IT.

WE CAN STILL MAKE NATIONALS.

OH, LORD. LOOK.

FORGET IT. NO.

NO, GUYS, LOOK, THIS IS IT.

WE’RE NOT SHOWING OUR TITS AGAIN AND WINNING BEER.

OKAY, LET’S JUST GO TO A MOTEL.

I SECOND THAT.

THERE’S NO MONEY, IT’S JUST A SCAM.

NO, BUT LOOK AT THE PRIZE.

A TRIP TO MIAMI FOR 30 ON A PARTY BUS?

WHAT’S A PARTY BUS?

IT’S A BIG-ASS BUS THAT CAN CARRY ALL OF US.

AND THE BAND, AND OUR INSTRUMENTS.

COME ON.

NO WAY. I’M OUT.

ALL RIGHT, ZOE? I’M DONE WITH YOUR IDIOCY.

I’M NOT BARING MY BREASTS TO A BUNCH OF PERVERTS.

YOU JUST DID. YEAH.

WELL, RIGHT, BUT...

I’M NOT DOING IT AGAIN.

BUT WAIT...

LOOK, I’M NOT DOING IT, OKAY?

SO JUST GET OVER IT, ZOE.

WELL, OKAY. OKAY.

IN REALITY, I WASN’T ACTUALLY THINKING OF YOU DOING IT.

THEN WHO?

WELL, IN REALITY, OBJECTIVELY,

THERE’S ONLY ONE OF US HERE WITH THE PERFECTLY SHAPED BREASTS NEEDED

TO WIN THIS COMPETITION.

OH, YEAH? AND WHO’S THAT, YOU?

NO, NOT ME. ALICE.

ME? NO.

THEY ARE PERFECTLY SHAPED.

SYMMETRICAL.

IT’S TRUE. YOU COULD BE IN PLAYBOY.

YOU REALLY THINK SO?

MM-HMM. YEAH.

WOW, CRAIG HAS NEVER SAID ANYTHING.

OH, HONEY. CRAIG’S GAY.

HE’S A POLE-SMOKING BUTT-PIRATE.

NO, HE CAN’T BE.

HE’S JUST GOT A TINY PENIS.

NOT IN FRONT OF GUYS.

IT’S KIND OF CUTE.

HELLO, ALICE, THIS IS LITTLE CRAIG.

WANNA DO IT?

THERE’S NOTHING CUTE ABOUT BEING SMALL. YES, I DO.

BUT ALICE, IN REALITY, YOU WOULDN’T ACTUALLY BE GETTING NAKED.

I WOULDN’T? NO, IT’S A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.

YOU KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON.

YEAH, BUT STILL.

JESUS CHRIST.

YOU FLASHED YOUR TITS IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

THAT IS TRUE.

TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

OKAY!

OKAY, GREAT.

WELL, WE HAVE TO HURRY. IT STARTS IN FIVE MINUTES.

OKAY. OKAY.

WELL, THIS IS THE WAY.

DO WE HAVE TO WALK ACROSS THIS THING?

UH, WELL, DO YOU WANT TO GO TO NATIONALS, OR NOT?

I GUESS.

WHAT IS THIS, THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES?

IS THAT BAD?

WATCH OUT FOR ALLIGATORS.

ALLIGATORS? BUT THEY’RE CUTE.

AND SNAKES. SNAKES ARE... CUTE, TOO.

JESUS, HONEY. SHIT LOOKS CUTE TO YOU.

NO. WELL, CRAIG MAKES THESE LITTLE...

NO! NO, NO, NO,

STOP. YOU GUYS...

MUSIC!

OOH!

♪

OKAY, YOU READY?

I’M READY. OKAY. YOU READY?

I’M READY. YOU READY?

I’M READY. YOU READY?

KILL ME NOW.

I’M READY. OKAY.

HEY, COME ON.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU GUYS?

IT’S THE SLANTED PEDAL ON THE RIGHT.

OH, MAN!

HEY.

HERE YOU GO, SIGN RIGHT THERE.

EXCELLENT.

NUMBER ONE.

NEXT?

WELCOME.

SIGN HERE, PLEASE.

THOSE ARE GOING TO BE GREAT.

YES.

DO YOU GUYS RUN EVERYTHING HERE?

EVERYTHING SPRING BREAK RELATED.

WHY, YOU GOING TO TRY TO SHUT THIS DOWN, TOO?

UH, NO. NOT THIS TIME.

I’M HERE TO SHOW YOU MY FRIEND’S TA-TAS.

AH, WE CAN SEE THAT.

WELL PLAYED, MADAM.

YOU WILL BE THE NUMBER "THREE",

AS IN ONE, TWO, THREE.

HERE YOU GO.

SEE COP DUDE OVER THERE?

UH, YEAH. WHAT ABOUT HIM?

HE SAYS TO TELL YOU THIS:

NO NUDITY.

THIS SPRING BREAK BAN THAT YOU STARTED SUCKS ASS.

WELL, THANK YOU, BUT I DID NOT START IT.

I’M JUST FINISHING IT.

AND TRUST ME, THERE WILL BE NO NUDITY.

ALL RIGHT. NEXT?

OH, THERE SHE IS.

YES, OKAY. OKAY. YOU’RE GOING TO GO.

ALICE, YOU NEED TO TAKE OFF YOUR BRA.

I DO?

YEAH, IF YOU WANT A CHANCE AT WINNING.

YOU GOT THIS.

OKAY. OKAY.

HERE’S THAT. GOOD JOB.

THANKS.

OKAY, WELCOME.

SPRING BREAKS’ NUMBER ONE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.

LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR THE GIRLS!

GO ALICE!

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UP WE GOT CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE.

LET’S GET HER WET.

YEAH.

WOO. YEAH, GIRL. SHAKE IT.

GREAT JOB.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT UP WE’VE GOT CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO.

WOO!

LET’S GO!

WOO!

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT, LET’S HEAR IT FOR CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO.

NEXT UP, WE’VE GOT CONTESTANT NUMBER THREE.

IT SEEMS LIKE WE’VE GOT A NERVOUS ONE HERE.

GIVE HER A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT.

YEAH!

WOO!

THAT A GIRL.

YES!

WELL, IT’S CLOSE.

BUT I THINK THAT...

AM I TOO LATE?

OH, WAIT JUST A SECOND. LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A LATE MINUTE ENTRY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, GUYS? SHOULD WE LET HER COMPETE?

LET’S GET IT.

YEAH. LOOK AT THAT!

OH, OH!

WAIT A MINUTE.

TAKE IT OFF. TAKE IT OFF.

OH. OH!

YES!

NO! NO, NO. NO!

NO!

ACCORDING TO STATUTE 269,

WHICH FORBIDS LEWDNESS WITHIN 10 FEET OF A GOVERNMENT BUILDING...

I SAID NO NUDITY! DIDN’T YOU TELL HER?

STAY THERE. NO NUDITY!

COME ON!

IT’S NOT MY FAULT, THEY JUST WANTED TO BE FREE.

COME ON, LET’S GO.

WE’RE GONNA GET ARRESTED.

BUT...

UH...

I’M SO ASHAMED.

IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT, OKAY?

IT WAS ZOE’S. NO, NOT ZOE.

DID SHE EVEN TELL YOU THAT THERE COULDN’T BE NUDITY?

NO.

I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS GOING TO TAKE OFF HER SHIRT.

AGAIN, SHE FLASHED AN ENTIRE REGIONAL FINAL.

NOT INTENTIONALLY.

I KNOW. THAT WAS YOU FAULT, TOO.

HI, GIRLS.

WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOKS LIKE YOU WON YOUR DAY, DIDN’T YOU?

YEP.

YOU HERE TO GLOAT? YEP.

CAN I HIT HER NOW?

NO. SHE’S PRETTY AND HER HAIR SMELLS NICE.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

SMELL.

UGH! DAMN IT, SHE’S RIGHT.

THANKS.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

ZACH’S GONE. HE’S GONE!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

COME MONDAY, I’M GOING BACK TO BEING AN ACCOUNTANT.

YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. I TURN INTO A PUMPKIN.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY WEEKEND.

MINE. UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG AND MESSED IT UP.

I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

I SUCK AT LIFE.

UM, GIRLS?

HELLO?

WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?

ME? I DIDN’T... SHE DID THIS.

ZOE IS THE SMARTEST, NICEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.

SHE SAVES KITTENS,

AND SHE LETS ME COPY HER HOMEWORK.

SO LEAVE HER ALONE.

HMPH.

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING.

SHE WAS FINE UNTIL ALL Y’ALL SHOWED UP.

Y’ALL ARE A BUNCH OF FREAKS.

WE’RE NOT FREAKS, WE’RE IN THE MARCHING BAND.

WE’D BE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS IF GOD DIDN’T HATE US SO MUCH.

WAIT.

AND I LIKE THAT.

OH, MAN.

FIRST A FLAT, NOW NO GAS.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING. HEY, GUYS!

HI, HELLO!

FUCK YOUR MOM LATER.

YOU ASSHOLES.

SORRY, YOU’RE FINE GENTLEMEN.

IT’S COOL.

YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED IN THE ASS?

NO, I DON’T. YOU GUYS AREN’T ASSHOLES.

ACTUALLY, YOU’RE JUST FINE YOUNG GENTLEMEN.

YEAH, YOU ARE.

IT’S COOL. IS IT?

YEAH.

DEAN, I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET TO THE PHONE,

I DON’T THINK.

I GUESS IT’S GOING TO GO TO MESSAGE.

WHAT A DAY.

OH, SHIT.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M DOING?

CLEANING UP.

BUT SPRING BREAK ISN’T OVER.

YES, IT IS.

THE MAYOR’S OFFICE JUST GOT MY PETITION,

AND SHE IS VERY CLOSE TO SIGNING THE BAN.

WE WON. THANKS, GIRLS.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

WE DIDN’T WANT SPRING BREAK TO END.

WE JUST WANTED TO GO TO MIAMI.

OH, WELL. THERE’S MORE WORK TO BE DONE.

SEE YA.

BYE.

GOD, I HATE HER.

AND HER BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HAIR.

JUST FORGET HER, OKAY?

LET’S JUST GO FIND COACH GILL AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I’M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO APOLOGIZE?

GOD, I’M NOT EVEN MAD AT YOU ANYMORE.

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU’RE NOT INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO SCREW US.

IT’S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS TEND TO FIND A WAY

TO MESS THINGS UP. IT’S JUST YOU.

SAVE IT, OKAY?

MY LIFE IS RUINED.

IT’S OVER.

I MIGHT AS WELL ACCEPT IT.

OH, I NEED A DRINK.

WOW.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET’S GET A TABLE.

OKAY.

YOU!

STOP FOLLOWING US.

HI, ZACH. HI, VANCE. AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN JAIL?

MY UNCLE’S THE SHERIFF, SO...

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, DOUCHEBAGS,

WE’RE JUST HERE TO SIT IN THE CORNER

DRINK AWAY OUR SORROWS WHILE WE WAIT FOR OUR RIDE.

YOU DON’T NEED TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT US ANYMORE.

WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?

BESIDES, ZOE ALREADY RUINED OUR SPRING BREAK.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL STICK AROUND AND RUIN THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

EXCUSE ME.

ZOE.

SHOTS. LET’S GET FUCKED UP.

HA!

ARE YOU OKAY?

WELL, NOT REALLY. I’M HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY.

CAN I? YEAH, WOULD YOU?

IF YOU COULD UNTIE THAT, IT’S BE REALLY GREAT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT’S THOSE DAMN SPRING BREAKERS.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS TIME

THAT BRINGS OUT THE ANIMAL IN US?

BOY, I TELL YOU.

IT’S A LACK OF MORAL GUIDANCE,

BAD PARENTING, GLOBAL WARMING,

POP CULTURE. YES.

WHOA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I’M MARRIED AND EVERYTHING.

WELL THE THING IS, IS THAT MY WIFE

HAD THE PLUMBER SPEND THE NIGHT.

SO WHAT THE FUCK?

ZOE, WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I CAN GET US THE MONEY.

WHAT, SELL YOUR...

NO, NO. YOU CAN’T SELL CHARLIE.

YOU LOVE THAT THING.

BUT YOU SAID...

LOOK, I KNOW I GIVE YOU A HARD TIME, BUT...

IT’S JUST BECAUSE I LOVE TO WIN MORE THAN ANYTHING,

AND YOU ALWAYS TEND TO MESS THINGS UP.

BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS.

LOOK...

I AM JUST SO TIRED, AND THIS TRIP IS A DISASTER.

LOOK, IF I CAN GET US THE MONEY TO GET TO MIAMI

BY SELLING CHARLIE, THEN...

KIND OF THOUGHT YOU LOVED THIS EUPHONIUM MORE THAN ANYTHING.

WE HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE THE BEST IN THE WORLD.

OKAY? THE BEST IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

WELL, TECHNICALLY, JUST THE COUNTRY.

BUT, OKAY.

LOOK, I...

I’VE BEEN KIND OF A BITCH TO YOU ON THIS TRIP.

NO DOUBT.

I PROBABLY OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

IT’S OKAY.

IT’S JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

AND I’M THE WAY I AM.

YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

IT’S NATIONALS.

YEAH.

SHE’S ALL RIGHT.

SO WHAT DO YOU TWO DO WHEN YOU’RE NOT DRUNK, CRAZY SPRING BREAKERS?

I’M A LONELY, PATHETIC ACCOUNTANT.

I TEACH SPECIAL ED KIDS.

YOU TEACH RETARDS?

RETARDS ARE CUTE.

WHAT IS THAT, A LINE, OR SOMETHING?

NO, I LOVE MY RETARDS.

WE CAME HERE ON A SHORT BUS.

OH!

I’M NOT DOING THAT. UH-UH.

WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?

WIN THAT, AND THAT’LL GET YOU SOME REAL WAMPUM.

ENOUGH TO CHARTER A BUS.

GET YOU TO NATIONALS.

THAT WAS A GOOD EFFORT, BUT IT’S GOING TO TAKE A GOOD COWBOY

OR COWGIRL TO WIN THIS ONE.

LET’S HAVE THE NEXT VICTIM UP HERE.

DON’T BE SCARED.

ONE PERSON PER RIDE.

SO FAR, SOMEONE’S ONLY BEEN ABLE TO HOLD ON

FOR 20 SECONDS. 30’S THE GOAL.

YOU GET THAT, YOU MAKE $100.

A $100 ISN’T GOING TO CUT IT.

COME ON, FOLKS, REMEMBER THE EPIC WET T-SHIRT FAILURE?

SO YOU GUYS ARE QUITTERS, IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?

QUITTER, NO. WE’RE NOT QUITTERS.

OKAY, THAT’S FINE. JUST SIT HERE, DRINK YOU LIVES AWAY.

CHEERS TO QUITTING!

YOU ARE HER! I WATCH THE VIDEO 10 TIMES TODAY!

YAY! WHAT VIDEO?

YOU, TAKE PICTURE.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT VIDEO, DUDE?

WET T-SHIRT TIT SHOW. NUMBER ONE VIDEO.

5 MILLION VIEWS. HOT STUFF!

WE’RE FAMOUS!

ALICE, THIS IS BAD.

THIS IS VERY, VERY, VERY FUCKING BAD.

BUT WE’RE FAMOUS!

EVERYONE CAN SEE THE VIDEO.

EVERYONE?

SNUGGLE BUNNY!

BUT I SAID I LOVE THE COLOR FUCHSIA.

POO BEAR!

YOU’RE PRETTY, YOU’RE PRETTY.

YOU’RE VERY PRETTY, TOO.

YOU?

WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?

ZOE MADE A SACRIFICE FOR THE BAND.

MONEY? THAT’S RIGHT.

WOW.

THAT REPRESENTS A LOT OF SUCKING AND FUCKING.

AM I RIGHT?

ANAL WHAT?

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

LOOK, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

NOT A BIG DEAL?

SHE SOLD HER EUPHONIUM FOR US.

YOU WHAT?

WELL, I’VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE, SO...

BUT THAT WAS YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S.

THAT WAS CHARLIE.

YEAH, WHEN DID YOU TWO BECOMES BFFS?

LOOK, ALL RIGHT, WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM HERE.

WE’VE GOT THE SAME GOALS.

WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER.

WELL, LOOK, IT’S STILL NOT ENOUGH MONEY, OKAY?

WE NEED AT LEAST A COUPLE HUNDRED MORE BEFORE WE CAN RENT THE BUS.

WE CAN DO THAT.

IF YOU SOLD YOUR EUPHONIUM, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY IN THE NATIONALS?

BORROW SOMEONE ELSE’S.

MY TITS ARE ALL OVER THE INTERNET.

IS THAT GOOD? IT’S GOOD.

FOR A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

ALL RIGHT, WHO’S READY TO RIDE THIS THING?

I’LL RIDE THAT.

I’M NOT FOLLOWING. BULL, TITS, INTERNET.

BUT THE BULL, IT DOESN’T PAY OUT.

I’M LOST.

WHAT IF WE ALL RIDE THE BULL?

ON THE INTERNET?

AND WE ALL MAKE $100, THAT’LL DO IT.

YEAH, OKAY.

BUT I’M NOT GETTING ON THAT THING. IT’S FUCKING DIRTY.

ALL RIGHT, I’M IN.

BUT IF I RIDE THIS THING, YOU’RE ALL RIDING IT.

DEAL?

DEAL? DEAL!

HUZZAH! ZOE?

OKAY, I GUESS.

YEAH, OKAY.

WHOSE GOING FIRST?

I GOT THIS. LADIES, STEP ASIDE.

GIVE IT A SHOT.

OH!

ALL RIGHT, WHO’S READY TO RIDE THIS THING?

ALL RIGHT, WE GOT SOMEBODY FOR THE BULL.

STEP RIGHT UP.

GO, VANCE!

DUDE, YOU TOTALLY SUCK.

HE RIGGED IT.

GET OUT OF MY WAY. I’M NEXT.

SHE’S GOING TO FIGHT IT.

OH, WE’VE GOT ANOTHER ONE COMING IN.

OH, YEAH. MAKE IT COUNT.

HOLD ON, BABY. HOLD ON.

I’M SLIPPING.

LET’S HAVE ANOTHER VICTIM. STEP RIGHT UP.

JELLO QUEEN!

WHOA!

OOH, LOOK AT HER. LOOK AT HER GO.

WOW.

OH MY GOSH. OKAY, ZOE.

YOU’RE OUR LAST CHANCE.

WE’RE SCREWED.

NO, I CAN DO THIS.

YOU CAN’T EVEN WALK WITHOUT FALLING DOWN.

NO, I GOT THIS, OKAY?

ZOE, YOU CAN DO IT.

OKAY. OKAY?

OKAY. OKAY?

ZOE, ZOE, ZOE.

ZOE, ZOE.

ZOE, ZOE, ZOE.

OH.

WHOA, THAT’S A FIRST.

TITS!

YEAH!

OH! YOU SO PRETTY.

YEAH!

THAT WAS AWESOME.

WELL, THAT WAS QUITE A RIDE, LITTLE MISS.

I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE.

HELL, I’VE OWNED THAT BULL FOR 10 YEARS,

AND I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE.

WELL, AS LONG AS IT COUNTS, RIGHT?

WELL, NOW, THAT’S ANOTHER ISSUE.

YOU SEE, THE RULES CLEARLY STATE

THAT YOU CANNOT RIDE THE BULL NAKED.

OH, BUT THAT WASN’T MY FAULT.

YEAH, MAN, THAT AIN’T RIGHT.

THOSE ARE THE RULES.

OH, AND THAT’S ANOTHER ISSUE.

DID YOU NOTICE THAT GOOD-LOOKING YOUNG MAN RIGHT OVER THERE?

THAT COP ARRESTED ME, GUYS.

WHAT DID HE HEAR, THAT YOU WERE SERVING UNDERAGE KIDS LIKE US?

OH, YOU’RE UNDERAGE?

NO. DEPENDS ON IF YOU’RE GOING TO GIVE US THE BULLSHIT MONEY.

LOOK, WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO RAISE MONEY ALL DAY.

OKAY, WE HAVE TO GET TO OUR NATIONAL COMPETITION.

WE REALLY NEED THIS.

WELL, I THINK YOU GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN THAT, LITTLE MISS.

I WISH YOU A LOT OF LUCK WITH THAT.

OFFICER, THEY’RE ALL YOURS.

UM...

OFFICER HURLEY, FLPD.

I’D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, YOUNG LADY.

OKAY, THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

IT WAS TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT.

YOU THINK EXPOSING YOURSELF IN PUBLIC IS OKAY?

BUT IT WASN’T HER FAULT. DIDN’T YOU SEE WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED?

I’LL BE TAKING STATEMENTS LATER, THANK YOU.

IT’S LIKE, EVEN WHEN YOU WIN, YOU STILL LOSE.

YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR INDECENT PUBLIC EXPOSURE.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. NO, I’M NOT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.

ZOE, WE’LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU, OKAY?

COME WITH ME, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FUCKING ASSHOLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FUCK YOU.

EVERY YEAR IT’S THE SAME THING.

DRINKING, NUDITY, SEX.

OH, I DIDN’T HAVE SEX.

ZOE, ZOE, ZOE, ZOE.

HEY, LOOK WHO WE FOUND.

WHAT ARE YOU AND YOU DOING HERE?

SHE SAVED ME. IT’S TRUE.

WERE THEY TAKING YOU TO THE BIG HOUSE? THE SLAMMER?

15 YEARS TO LIFE.

$50? THAT’S IT?

DO YOU WANT TO PAY MORE? OH, NO. I’M GOOD.

LISTEN, HAVE A NICE DAY.

I’VE GOT MORE CRIME STOPPING TO DO.

ZOE, ZOE, ZOE. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

WELL, MY SHIRT GOT CAUGHT ON THE BULL.

IS THAT WHAT YOU KIDS ARE CALLING IT NOW?

IT’S TRUE. IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING CRAZY, ACTUALLY.

COACH GILL, DO WE WIN THE NATIONALS?

WHAT? NO. NO. SORRY.

WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?

LIKE WHAT?

WERE YOU RAPED?

RAPED?

I KNOW, RIGHT? ALL DAY WITH THIS SHIT.

YEAH. HEY, LOOK, HERE’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.

WE’RE GOING TO GET OURSELVES A RENTED BUS,

WE’RE GOING TO TAKE IT TO FLORIDA.

AND IF WE’RE LUCKY, WE’LL MAKE IT THERE ON TIME.

AND WHAT IF WE’RE NOT LUCKY?

YOU SHOULD LEAVE OUR TOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

OH, YOU’D LIKE THAT, WOULDN’T YOU, ADOLF?

YES. YES, I WOULD.

EXCEPT I’M COMING WITH YOU.

YAY.

SPRING BREAK IS OVER. THERE’S NOTHING LEFT FOR ME HERE.

EXCEPT WALMART.

CRAP. IT’S OVER, ISN’T IT?

I DON’T HAVE TO FIGHT IT FOR ANOTHER YEAR.

AW, BABY.

EWW. GROSS.

HERE WE COME, FLORIDA.

ISN’T FLORIDA, LIKE, WAY WORSE THAN HERE?

NOT IF GILL’S THERE.

WHY DON’T WE FIND OUT? LET’S GO TO FLORIDA.

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.

AH, ACTUALLY, I DON’T HAVE MY WALLET.

I’M SORRY, OFFICER. I RAN OUT...

BEING SORRY DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BREAK THE LAW,

NOW, DOES IT, SON?

NO, NO. IT’S JUST THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS...

OPERATING A MOTOR VEHICLE WITHOUT A LICENSE

IS A SERIOUS CRIME IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA.

ESPECIALLY WITH OUT OF STATE PLATES.

YOU GOT ANY ID ON YOU?

I DON’T HAVE MY WALLET, SO I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING.

YOU GOT NOTHING?

MY NAME IS CRAIG WASSERMAN, AND I LIVE IN...

SON, I REALLY DO NOT CARE WHAT NAME YOU CLAIM TO HAVE.

OFFICER, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

I GOTTA GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR REGISTRATION EXPIRED YESTERDAY.

I NEED YOU TO GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE. WHAT?

I CAN’T. THIS IS NOT A REQUEST.

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

I NEED YOU TO COME DOWN TO THE STATION. LET’S GO.

I DON’T WANNA GO.

CRAIG! SNUGGLE BUNNY!

POO BEAR! WHAT HAPPENED?

I DID NOTHING WRONG.

WHAT, YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

YES.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, SNUGGLE BUNNY,

YOU’RE FREE TO GO.

BUT I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU BEHIND ANY WHEEL

UNTIL YOU GET YOUR LICENSE BACK, YOU GOT THAT?

YES. ALL RIGHT.

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. OW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?

YOU CAN’T GO TO FLORIDA. OF COURSE WE CAN.

NO. YOU’RE NOT GOING BECAUSE YOU WON REGIONALS.

NO KIDDING.

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE GOING, POO BEAR?

THEY LIKE OUR PERSONALITIES?

TELL ’EM, COACH.

YOU’RE GOING BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO ON THE JUMBOTRON.

WHAT? I KNEW IT.

YEAH. HEY, YOU’RE GOING AS A HALFTIME JOKE.

THEY WANT YOU TO PLAY SO THEY CAN MAKE FUN OF YOU.

SORRY.

WHY?

WELL, THE DEAN GOT A CALL FROM NATIONAL,

AND, YOU KNOW, SEEMS LIKE

YOU GUYS SPIKED THE RATINGS,

SO THEY OFFERED HIM $10,000 IF YOU ATTEND.

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? YOU ARE POPULAR.

WELL, $10,000 IS ENOUGH TO GET US TO NATIONALS.

FORGET IT, ZOE. IT’S OVER.

WHAT? WHY CAN’T WE PLAY?

WHY CAN’T WE PLAY?

IT’S WHAT WE LOVE TO DO. IT’S WHAT WE WANT TO DO.

WHO CARES IF WE SUCK? WHO CARES IF WE’RE A JOKE?

WHO CARES? I CARE.

ME, TOO.

NO, NO. YOU GUYS DON’T CARE, OKAY?

OR YOU SHOULDN’T CARE.

LOOK, LET’S JUST GO AND GIVE THEM SOME ENTERTAINMENT.

LET’S GIVE THEM SOME FUN.

COACH, WILL YOU STILL DRIVE US TO MIAMI?

WE SHOULD STILL GO.

ALL RIGHT, EVEN IF WE SUCK.

EVEN IF WE SUCK.

I KNOW I SUCK.

WE ALL SUCK, OKAY?

COACH?

AH, WE MADE IT THIS FAR.

I’M AT THE PAWN SHOP NOW, YOU IDIOT.

I NEED MY FUCKING MONEY.

YES, ALL OF IT.

THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.

GET IN.

WE’RE ALMOST THERE.

WAIT, WHAT’S THAT SOUND?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

EVERYBODY, SETTLE DOWN.

THAT’S IT, SOMETHING OR SOMEONE DOESN’T WANT US TO MAKE IT.

I CAN’T SEE A FUCKING THING.

I CAN’T DRIVE IN THIS.

PULL OVER. WHAT?

PULL OVER.

OH MY GOD.

I BETTER PUT ON MY JACKET.

WHAT IS THAT, HAIL?

JESUS, TALK ABOUT THE TEMPERATURE DROPPING.

CLOSE THE WINDOW!

WE DON’T HAVE INSURANCE FOR THIS.

YES, I LIKE PRESENTS FOR CHRISTMAS.

WHAT?

SHE SAID SHE’S A LESBIAN?

NO, I DIDN’T.

WHAT? YOU’RE A LIBERTARIAN?

WHAT? SHE SAID SHE’S A LESBIAN,

BROWARD COUNTY BEING NOW CALLED

FOR MANDATORY EVACUATION.

WITH ME NOW IS A REPRESENTATIVE

FROM SEVERE STORM FORECAST CENTER.

JOHN, WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THIS FREAK STORM?

THIS APPEARS TO BE THE LARGEST F6 STORM

IN THE HISTORY... HOW FAR AWAY ARE WE FROM THE STADIUM?

WE’RE ALMOST THERE. JUST A FEW MILES.

BUT WE HAVE TO GET THERE!

MAYBE THEY’RE GOING TO POSTPONE THE NATIONALS.

NO, IF WE DON’T SHOW UP, WE FORFEIT.

THAT’S THE RULES.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME DRIVE, AND WE’LL WIN THE NATIONALS.

WE’RE GOING TO WIN THE NATIONALS.

YOU GUYS, WE’RE GONNA BE OKAY.

GUYS, CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

MOTHERFUCK.

WE MADE IT! SUCK IT, WORLD, WE’RE HERE.

EVERYTHING DISAPPEARED. JESUS.

THIS HAD TO BE A...

A HURRICANE. CATEGORY FIVE.

TOOK EVERYTHING OUT.

SO WHAT, NO NATIONALS?

NO.

OF COURSE. NO, WAIT.

WE JUST...

YEAH, WE’RE FROM WOODVILLE, MAN.

WE JUST DROVE A GAZILLION MILES

FOR THIS COMPETITION.

DID YOU NOW JUST SEE THAT MASSIVE STORM?

SO?

SO, THERE’S... NOBODY ELSE SHOWED UP.

YOU CAN’T HAVE A COMPETITION WITH NOBODY TO COMPETE WITH.

BUT WE CAME ALL THIS WAY.

WAIT, IF THERE’S NO COMPETITION,

THAT MEANS WE’RE THE WINNERS, BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE SHOWED UP.

WIN WHAT?

LOOK, THERE ARE NO OTHER BANDS HERE.

YOU THE ONLY ONES CRAZY ENOUGH TO COME OUT IN THIS MESS.

WELL, TECHNICALLY, EVERYONE ELSE FORFEITED,

SINCE THEY DIDN’T SHOW UP.

THEREFORE, WE WIN.

SHE MIGHT BE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHATEVER.

HERE YOU GO.

BE MY GUEST. CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

WHAT DO YOU THINK, GIRLS?

YOU GUYS EARNED IT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, CONSTANCE, HUH?

SOME GOOD SHIT THERE, HUH?

OH, WOW.

MAYBE I’LL PUT A DRINK IN HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE DIDN’T EVEN...

I KNOW, BUT APPARENTLY, THIS VICTORY WAS A BIG ONE.

THE CHAIRMAN CALLED ME PERSONALLY TO TELL ME

WE HAVE A WHOLE NEW SUPPORT TEAM.

BOOSTERS, INVESTORS, YOU NAME IT.

THEY JUST CAME OUT OF THE WOODWORK.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY ALL DID A VERY GOOD JOB

FOR OUR SCHOOL.

AND I OWE YOU ONE. REALLY.

SO IF YOU NEED OR WANT ANYTHING,

SAY THE WORD.

ANYTHING?

♪ MY, OH MY

♪ FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD’S GOT YOU DOWN ♪

♪ YOU LOST YOUR LUST FOR LIFE ♪

♪ AND YOUR SOUL, BY NOW CAN’T BE FOUND ♪

♪ DON’T LET THE STARS ABOVE DRAG YOU ALL DOWN ♪

WE’RE BACK. OH, YEAH.

♪ SCRAPE THE SHIT RIGHT OFF OF YOUR SHOES ♪

JELLO! WOO!

LET’S GO.

♪ YOU GOT TO KEEP ON DREAMING

♪ KEEP ON SCHEMING

♪ DON’T LET THE TIMES GET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ KEEP ON RISING, KEEP ON CLIMBING ♪

♪ THE TIME IS NOW

♪ DIG OUT YOUR SOUL

♪ TAKE IT SO THE WHOLE WORLD SEES IT SHINE ♪

♪ SHINE ON LIKE A DIAMOND, BABY ♪

♪ GIVE THESE LAZY BONES SOME TIME ♪

♪ DON’T LET THE STARS ABOVE DRAG YOU ALL DOWN ♪

♪ SCRAPE THE SHIT RIGHT OFF OF YOUR SHOES ♪

♪ AND SHOW THEM WHO IS WHO ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO KEEP ON DREAMING

♪ KEEP ON SCHEMING

♪ DON’T LET THE TIMES GET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ KEEP ON RISING, KEEP ON CLIMBING ♪

♪ THE TIME IS NOW

♪ KEEP ON LIVING, KEEP ON GIVING ♪

♪ DON’T LET THE TIMES GET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ KEEP ON LOVING, KEEP ON STRUGGLING ♪

♪ THE TIME IS NOW

♪ WE’VE GOT DREAMS THAT SET US FREE ♪

♪ NOW ONE KNOWS, BUT YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ♪

♪ IN MY HEART, IN MY SOUL ♪

♪ IT’S ALL I’LL EVER KNOW ♪

♪ KEEP ON DREAMING KEEP ON SCHEMING ♪

♪ DON’T LET THE TIMES GET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ KEEP ON HUSTLING, KEEP ON BUSTLING ♪

♪ THE TIME IS NOW

♪ KEEP ON PUSHING, KEEP ON PUSHING ♪

♪ DON’T LET THE TIMES GET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ KEEP ON RISING, KEEP ON CLIMBING ♪

♪ THE TIME IS NOW

♪ KEEP ON, KEEP ON ♪

♪ KEEP ON, KEEP ON, KEEP ON

♪ KEEP ON, KEEP ON ♪

♪ KEEP ON, KEEP ON, KEEP ON

♪ YEAH

♪ ALLOW ME TO TAKE MORE

♪ TIME TO APOLOGIZE

♪ IT SEEMS THAT LATELY I ♪

♪ FADE AWAY INTO THE NIGHT

♪ I CANNOT PROMISE THAT ♪

♪ THINGS WILL END UP ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ SO BABY, BE CAREFUL ♪

♪ PROMISE YOU’LL HOLD ON TIGHT ♪

♪ LET’S TAKE THIS TRIP TOGETHER ♪

♪ LET’S PRETEND THAT IT’S FOREVER ♪

♪ IT’S ALL RIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ PRAY TO GOD WE WAKE UP ALIVE ♪