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1
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,480
It always amazed me
how Martha managed to surpass herself
2
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,840
with new and twisted ways
of getting to me.
3
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,440
But involving my parents,
4
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,760
telling them I'd been injured
in a car crash, that was next level.
5
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,840
I expected a lot
when I walked up to the house that day.
6
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:32,000
A lot of panic. Crying, maybe.
A hell of a lot of explaining.
7
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:33,840
What I didn't expect, though,
8
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,440
was finding my dad on the phone to her
when I walked in.
9
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,480
I've told you, you bitch,
you call me again,
10
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,720
I'll come to London and cut your legs off.
11
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,920
Yeah, you heard. Your legs.
12
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:44,440
You will, will ya?
13
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,600
That's gonna be pretty fucking hard to do
with no legs, let me tell you.
14
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,040
How did she get his mobile?
15
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,400
The receptionist at work gave it to her.
Said she was a client.
16
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,280
You know she spent yesterday
phoning round his colleagues,
17
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,400
calling him a pedo, telling them
he fiddled her when she was a child.
18
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:00,560
Christ.
19
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,400
Says the fucking mad bitch
pretending to be a fucking lawyer!
20
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,360
HR pulled him up on it too.
21
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,440
- Jesus. How did he respond to that?
You know what your dad's like.
22
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:12,000
He doubled down on it. Told them
he had a load of kids in a van outside.
23
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,160
Of course he did.
24
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,880
You call me again,
I'll make sure you breathe your last,
25
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,800
you fucking cow of a cunt!
26
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,400
Well, that's sorted. Great work, Dad.
I shouldn't have bothered coming up.
27
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,360
Who is she, bear?
28
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,600
Uh, she's this woman.
29
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,800
She came into the pub,
and she's been pestering me for some time.
30
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,000
Oh my God. Have you quit?
31
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,880
No, because that would mean she wins.
32
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,640
It's not about winning, Donny.
It's about your safety. Quit!
33
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,680
We will sub you until you find a new job,
won't we, Gerry?
34
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,720
I think the boy's right.
It is about winning.
35
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,320
Oh, for goodness' sake.
36
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,640
Look, look, it's fine. Okay?
37
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,600
The police are aware of the situation,
so give 'em a call, get 'em down here.
38
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,040
It'll be over soon, all right? I promise.
39
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,440
It's all right. I'll get it.
40
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:21,320
Is that you, reindeer?
41
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,600
Here's your cup of tea.
42
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,120
Thank you.
43
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:45,400
Hm, now, I, um...
I understand this is a harassment case.
44
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,800
That's right.
45
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,440
And who is
the person in question?
46
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,760
She's a fucking bitch, that's who.
47
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,520
Tell you what, Gerry,
why don't you let us handle this?
48
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,400
Uh, we'll call you if we need you.
49
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,240
Uh, um...
50
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:13,440
Well, she's this woman, and she's been,
like, stalking me for a while.
51
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,840
I have this harassment warning
out against her,
52
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,480
so I assume
now that she's contacted my parents,
53
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,400
she's broken it, right?
54
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,240
Technically, she's not harassing you.
She's harassing your parents.
55
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:25,400
You're kidding me?
56
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,200
If you want a quick resolution,
57
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,200
your parents would be best off
making a separate allegation up here.
58
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,440
But that's ridiculous.
59
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,720
I know it can feel convoluted,
60
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,560
but, um, you know, we will do
our very best to deal with the situation
61
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,080
as, um, as effectively as possible.
62
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,480
Sorry, this pen's not working.
63
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,240
Oh, look. Sorry, there it is.
64
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,280
One of those twisty ones.
65
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:56,760
Shall we begin?
66
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,320
I spent a week in Scotland,
waiting for the police to take action,
67
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,480
watching on as Martha kept calling.
68
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,280
Fucking come back for more, have you?
69
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,080
Aye, you would say that,
you fucking imbecile.
70
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,680
Seeing the toll it was taking
on my parents.
71
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,600
My dad's croaky voice from shouting.
72
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,880
Could you pour me some orange juice?
73
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,480
My mum forcing this sentiment
onto everything I did.
74
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,600
You're a good boy.
75
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:22,160
So it wasn't long
before I decided to take action myself.
76
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,440
I figured if the police were
too slow to act, too slow to protect us,
77
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,040
then Martha might do something worse.
78
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,800
It was time
to take matters into my own hands.
79
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,320
Martha.
80
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,320
Leave my family alone.
81
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:58,040
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Leave my fucking family alone.
82
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,200
If you don't, we will never be together.
83
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,440
Do you understand?
84
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,000
I thought, with the police,
we weren't on the cards anyway.
85
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,920
Shut up. Be quiet for a second.
86
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,640
If you leave my family alone...
87
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:20,640
I will hang your curtains tonight.
88
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:27,040
I wanna make sure
I get it right though. All of it.
89
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,640
So put it in an email.
90
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,280
What you want to do to me.
91
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,440
How you want me to... hang them.
92
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,080
But I like it rough, okay?
93
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,360
So make sure it's as sick, twisted,
94
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,640
as depraved as you can write it, yeah?
95
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,240
Oh yeah, reindeer.
96
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,040
Okay.
97
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,440
Now, Mr. Dunn,
98
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,880
please note this interview
is being recorded.
99
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,520
You are not under arrest,
and you are free to leave at any point.
100
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,200
Okay. Um, thank you.
101
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,680
You're also entitled
to independent legal advice, if you wish.
102
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,480
Uh, no, I d...
I don't think that's necessary.
103
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,640
In that case, please know this interview
is being held under caution.
104
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,080
Uh, wait. Sorry, what's going on?
105
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,000
Did you meet Martha Scott
in the street yesterday?
106
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,600
Yeah, like, by chance.
107
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,120
Did you ask her to send you
a sexually threatening email?
108
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:25,760
No.
109
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,560
I wanna make sure I get it right.
110
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,440
All of it. So put it in an email.
111
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:45,200
What you want to do to me.
How you want me to... hang them.
112
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,080
Martha had taped everything.
113
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,280
I'll picnic with you.
- [Martha] Oh my!
114
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,040
Everything.I'll hang your curtains.
115
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,080
The curtain references.I'm serious about you.
116
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,520
This one time
I'd joked about checking her out.
117
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,600
Hey, I'm only human, Martha.
Come on!
118
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,040
This other time
we laughed about my penis size.
119
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,600
- I couldn't believe what I was hearing.Ten inches all round.
120
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,800
I remember that feeling,
that caught red-handed, time-stood-still,
121
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,080
bomb-in-a-war-zone,
hot-fucking-flush madness.
122
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,600
She's taped everything?
123
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,360
I can't speak for everything,
124
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,640
but she also showed us an email from you
soliciting for anal sex.
125
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,200
No, that was my fucking friend
on my account.
126
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,960
He's... he's an idiot.
He... he did it for a laugh.
127
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:29,080
She's... she's harassing my parents.
I just... I just needed it to stop.
128
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,320
I sympathize with your position,
but you must allow us to do our job.
129
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,000
In a certain light,
this could be seen as entrapment.
130
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,080
But Ms. Scott does not wish
to take any action against you.
131
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,120
I'm sorry?
132
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,160
Ms. Scott does not wish
to take any action against you.
133
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,160
Against me?
134
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,800
What the hell?
She's... she's... she's stalking me.
135
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,480
I suggest you apologize
136
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,240
and let us go about doing our job again
in the correct manner.
137
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,960
Apologize? To her? Are you kidding me?
138
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,120
I mean, how would I even apologize?
139
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,960
We can pass along your apologies
140
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,360
and then suggest to her, very strongly,
that the two of you part ways.
141
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,160
The police do not want to hear
from either of you again.
142
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,720
You're putting us
on an even playing field?
143
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,640
Well?
144
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:25,920
Tell her I'm sorry.
145
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,360
It suddenly dawned on me
146
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,760
that Martha knew
exactly what she was doing.
147
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,760
Exactly how to get to me
and still evade the law.
148
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,880
It's because she's been here
countless times before.
149
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,720
She was a repeat offender. A seasoned pro.
150
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,480
My stalker was a seasoned pro.
151
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,040
How could you be so stupid, Donny?
Framing her?
152
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,560
- What the hell were you thinking?
- I know. I know.
153
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,600
This woman attacked me, Donny.
154
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,720
Everywhere I go,
I'm worried I might bump into her.
155
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,440
Now you're telling me I'm stuck with that
for the rest of my life?
156
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,560
You don't need to tell me.
I feel the same way.
157
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,320
What if she finds
my Twitter, Donny,
158
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,640
and starts spewing crap
like she did in the pub that day?
159
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,480
Maybe you could
take your socials down for a bit.
160
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,400
Really? That's your suggestion?
161
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,840
Well, at the very least,
get rid of all the rainbow unicorn stuff.
162
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,040
You know, protect yourself.
163
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,920
Are you serious?
That's your recommendation? Hide myself.
164
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,960
If you're worried about her opinions,
don't give her the bait.
165
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,040
- Bait?
- Come on, Teri. I'm trying here.
166
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,360
What's wrong with having to lie low
for a bit until this is all sorted?
167
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,560
Because of what it takes from me.
168
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:44,560
Do you understand what it's like
to get to a place in my life
169
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,680
where I can even walk out the door?
170
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:51,120
And now I need to walk back in
and bolt it shut, all because of you.
171
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,920
Because of me or because
some fucking psycho is stalking me?
172
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,080
Because just there it sounded like
you were blaming me for all this.
173
00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,600
She's mentally ill, Donny,
174
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,200
and you indulged her.
175
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,840
Oh, please. Only you could make out
176
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,920
that having a violent stalker
ruining my life
177
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,440
is somehow my fault.
178
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,320
You really wanna go there?
179
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,240
Yeah, I actually fucking do.
180
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,400
I think you love it.
181
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,240
I think it fits you perfectly
having her in your life.
182
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,320
Seeing you as the thing
you try so hard to be.
183
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,560
She's the embodiment
of all your nasty repressions,
184
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,520
bottled up into one human being.
185
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,440
Jesus, Teri, come on.
186
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,960
You can't let her affect us like this.
187
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,880
It's not her affecting us. It's you.
188
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,400
I can't be in this anymore.
189
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,200
I can't have this endless disorder
in my life.
190
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,640
Hold on, hold on.
191
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,920
Are you breaking up with me
because of her?
192
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,200
No. Because of you.
193
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,960
I knew it was over with Teri.
194
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,760
She shut off her mind towards me
the second she turned away.
195
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,600
Done. Gone.
196
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,120
♪ Rainy day ♪
197
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,760
♪ Go far away... ♪
198
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,160
And now at rock bottom,
199
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,200
the only positive
I could glean from the whole situation
200
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,560
was that it couldn't get
any worse from here.
201
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,080
Surely it couldn't get
any worse from here.
202
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,880
♪ Lonely nights ♪
203
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,480
♪ Eight thousand sights ♪
204
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,160
Yes, mate.
Hello.
205
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,760
- Can I get two pints of house, please?
- Yeah, yeah.
206
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,800
No, you can't come in here.
207
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,600
- Can't stop me.
You're barred.
208
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,360
Digsy, get Greggsy, will you?
209
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,360
- He's clocked off early.
Why?
210
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,240
Air strike, mate. He's picking up.
211
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,640
For fuck's sake. Get Gino.
212
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,680
No can do.
- Why?
213
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,480
- Oh my God.
- I guess I'll sit here and wait, then.
214
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,440
No, you won't. I'll call the police.
215
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,520
Do it. See how far that gets you.
216
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,120
I heard they're washing their hands
of the both of us.
217
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,200
- Excuse me, mate--
- In a minute, pal, all right?
218
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,160
Digsy, get her out of here.
219
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,200
- Come on, missy.
- Don't you fucking touch me!
220
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,120
You have no right. No right whatsoever.
221
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,280
Now, I'm on my period,
222
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,440
and I've come in for a glass of water,
which is my right to do.
223
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,960
You cannot deny a woman hydration
when she's coming on. That is illegal.
224
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,080
Just fucking leave it, all right?
225
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,520
- What can I get you, madam?
- Don't serve her, you prick. Ignore her.
226
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,600
Fuck me. Where did they find you? Jesus.
227
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,600
Go and stock the fridges or something.
228
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,800
I'm sorry...
- Yeah. What was it? Two pints?
229
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,840
Yeah.
- Okay.
230
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,400
I'd wipe that glass clean
if I were you.
231
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,840
Fucking yeast fingers all over your pint.
232
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:26,040
You should see the woman he's with.
His lady friend. Utter skank.
233
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:31,080
We call him Hunchy around here
'cause of his gutter taste in women.
234
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,880
He's like one of those hogs,
235
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,720
always sniffling around for truffles
with a shitty nose.
236
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,640
Truffles!
That's your new nickname.
237
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,640
- Tenner, please, mate.
238
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,120
- Ta.
- He's a comedian, by the way.
239
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:49,840
Not a very good one.
240
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,840
- Not the kind of stuff you see on TV.
Tell us a joke, mate.
241
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:56,080
No, he doesn't do jokes, this one.
It's more props.
242
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,320
Googly eyes on kettles. Weird crap.
243
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,120
Very immature.
244
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,800
- You should Google it.
What do I Google?
245
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,360
"Shite, two-bit comedian."
"Shite--"
246
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,800
No, I... I'm joking. I'm joking.
That's what it should be under.
247
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,280
Try "Donny Dunn comedy."
248
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,120
"Donny Dunn comedy."
249
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,280
Oh yeah. Here it is.
250
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,880
Do you like one-liners?
Yeah. Check out Jimmy Carr.
251
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,400
- Jesus, mate. Is that meant to be funny?
- I know.
252
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,600
Watch this one, right?
This one here. Lead balloon.
253
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,120
I've got a daughter.
She's two months old.
254
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,520
Called her Adolf after Adolf Hitler.
255
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,440
I'm joking! I'm joking!
256
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,720
She's three months old.
257
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:35,800
Oof!
258
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,800
Mate! I don't think you should be reading
your jokes from your notepad, should you?
259
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,800
It's part of the act, apparently.
It's "anti-comedy," it's called.
260
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,520
- Well, it's certainly that.
- Yeah. That's so true.
261
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,720
I tell you what, mate.
262
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,000
Why don't you Google something else?
263
00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:03,560
"Serial stalker torments
barrister's deaf child."
264
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:05,640
What's that?
265
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:10,760
"Serial stalker torments
266
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,840
barrister's deaf child."
267
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:21,960
You've ruined it!
268
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:26,920
You fucking...
269
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,440
Oh fuck.
270
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:33,320
You've ruined it! You fucking ruined it!
271
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,840
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on!
Your mouth!
272
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,440
Your fucking mouth!
273
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,920
I warned you
it'd get you in trouble, didn't I?
274
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,440
I warned you!
275
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,240
Jesus! What the fuck was that about?
276
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,320
I gave her a cup of tea.
277
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,440
I gave her a cup of tea.
278
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:07,200
♪ I want you more than I need you ♪
279
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,440
♪ I need you so bad ♪
280
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,040
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
281
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,960
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
282
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,040
♪ I'm waiting ♪
283
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,760
♪ I'm waiting ♪
284
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,640
That's the thing, son.
285
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,120
If you call the police,
the landlord is not gonna like that.
286
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,040
Not at all.
287
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,360
We're supposed
to have a manager on at all times.
288
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,480
The fact we just left you there,
it's not good, man.
289
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,400
Not good.
290
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,800
They find out
we turn the cameras towards the walls
291
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,200
because of the lock-ins,
292
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,680
and that could be our jobs
because that's negligence.
293
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,000
That's negligence, Donny.
294
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,240
Hey, look. How about we come
to your gig later and buy you a drink?
295
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,440
A nice big drink.
296
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,600
We'll make sure
297
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:11,600
she doesn't come within
a fucking mile of this place ever again.
298
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,240
Fine.
299
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,240
Fine.
300
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,640
♪ I started a joke ♪
301
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:50,120
♪ Which started the whole world crying ♪
302
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,040
♪ But I didn't see... ♪
303
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:58,200
You okay, bro?
304
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,760
♪ That the joke was on me ♪
305
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,040
♪ Oh no ♪
306
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,160
- ♪ I started to cry ♪
- ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
307
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,800
♪ Which started the whole world laughing ♪
308
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,240
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
309
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:24,880
- ♪ Oh, if I'd only seen ♪
- ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
310
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:29,400
♪ That the joke was on me ♪
311
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:36,000
♪ I looked at the skies ♪
312
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:42,120
♪ Running my hands over my eyes ♪
313
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:48,000
♪ And I fell out of bed ♪
314
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:54,480
♪ Hurting my head
From things that I'd said ♪
315
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,800
♪ Till I finally died ♪
316
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:07,800
- ♪ Which started the whole world living ♪
- ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
317
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:14,960
- ♪ Oh, if I'd only seen ♪
- ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
318
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:20,000
♪ That the joke was on me ♪
319
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:26,000
♪ I looked at the skies ♪
320
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,560
♪ Running my hands... ♪
321
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,400
- Hey, are you sure you're okay doing this?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
322
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,680
- Yeah?
- Well, you're up next, dude.
323
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,360
♪ I fell out of bed ♪
324
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:45,080
♪ Hurting my head
From things that I'd said ♪
325
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,520
♪ Till I finally died ♪
326
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:56,320
♪ Which started the whole world living... ♪
327
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:01,240
Ladies and gentlemen, are you
ready for your final act of this section?
328
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,320
Keep that noise going
for Donny Dunn!
329
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,640
Hey! All right! Thank you. Yes! All right.
330
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,440
All right, here we go.
331
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,800
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm gonna get this out the way up top.
332
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,720
You can probably tell
my face is a little bruised and battered,
333
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,280
so here's a piece of advice.
334
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,720
Never give the blow job
335
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,600
if you are the one driving.
336
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,600
All right, good, good.
337
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,320
Just a little reminder up top.
338
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,440
This set is brought to you by...
339
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,520
Poppa Condoms.
Proper condoms.
340
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,000
Pop a proper condom on.
341
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,960
Thank you very much to them
for sponsoring this routine.
342
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,200
Okay, let's do some jokes.
343
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,960
Whenever I go on holiday, uh,
I never wanna wear sunglasses on the beach
344
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,240
in case people think I'm perving on them.
345
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,880
So to negate this worry,
346
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,520
I actually like to widen my eyes.
347
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,680
I think you'll agree,
it makes me look less creepy.
348
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,400
All right. Okay. So...
349
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,280
♪ Here's a little teapot
Short and stout ♪
350
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,680
♪ Here is its handle ♪
351
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,000
♪ Here is its gout ♪
352
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,240
No?
353
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,520
All right. Yeah.
354
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,040
Not for you, then, that one. Fine.
355
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,560
Poppa Condoms.
356
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:25,320
Proper condoms
for policemen who like eating Burger King.
357
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,280
Pop a proper Whopper copper condom on.
358
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,080
Oh boy.
359
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,840
Oh, fucking hell.
360
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,280
Course you didn't see anything in it.
Of course you didn't.
361
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,240
You only saw me.
362
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,240
I used to think, right...
363
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,560
Genuinely. Hear me out here, right?
364
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,960
I used to think
365
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,400
that what you're seeing here was, like,
366
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,600
breaking the mold.
367
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,760
You know, I'd watch
these fucking other comics
368
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,080
rising above me, and I... I just...
369
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,280
I never understood
why... why them and not me.
370
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,200
But then, bam!
371
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,080
Reality smacks me in the face.
372
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,200
I am so fucking naive.
373
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,960
I was so naive in thinking
that this was something special
374
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:07,280
that when a writer
sweeps you off your feet
375
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:11,680
and says, "Hey, you've got it, kid.
Let's make you famous..."
376
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,920
you believe every word
he's gonna say to you.
377
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,240
'Cause it's the words
you've wanted to hear your entire life.
378
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:25,280
"I believe in you...
as much as you believe in yourself."
379
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,480
And you'll do just about
anything in the world he asks of you
380
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:36,800
because... because fame
encompasses judgment, right?
381
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:41,040
And I... I feared judgment my entire life.
382
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,320
That's why I wanted fame,
because when you're famous,
383
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,960
people see you as that, famous.
384
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:51,200
They're not thinking all the other things
that I'm scared they're thinking.
385
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:55,040
Like, "That guy's a loser or a drip
or a fucking faggot."
386
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,480
They think,
"It's the guy from that thing."
387
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:02,800
"It's the funny guy."
388
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,600
And I wanted so badly to be the funny guy.
389
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,400
Fuck your red light. I'm finishing.
390
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:19,920
So when this writer says
391
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,120
he only works with wild ones,
and to... to face my own fears, well,
392
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,160
it's not long before I'm round his house,
taking boatloads of drugs every weekend.
393
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,680
And isn't getting groomed magical?
394
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,600
Before you realize
you're actually getting groomed.
395
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,800
Until you're passing out from GHB
on his living-room couch,
396
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,520
while he tears at your trousers
with his disgusting hands.
397
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,200
And you know it's wrong, deep down,
what he's making you do.
398
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,240
But you just keep going back.
399
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,560
And you start to think,
400
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,600
"Is my self-respect so fucking low,
401
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,680
is my lust for success so fucking high,
402
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,120
that I will repeatedly go back
to this man's house
403
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:05,960
and let him abuse me
404
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,400
for a little peep at fame?"
405
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,960
"Oh, you're a victim.
You mustn't blame yourself."
406
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,440
Good sentiment, but let's be honest,
407
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,920
the fourth or fifth time you've passed out
and woken up with your dick in his mouth,
408
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,800
you should probably
think about not going back.
409
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,600
But, no, I just had to keep going.
410
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,560
I just had to get fucking raped.
411
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,880
Anything funny to say, boys?
412
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,920
My confidence is so low, right...
413
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,320
You'll... you'll enjoy this.
414
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,200
...that I let this fucking mad bitch
into my life.
415
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,560
I work in a bar, and I gave her
this cup of tea on the house.
416
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,120
She... she was crying,
and I wanted to cheer her up.
417
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:04,560
But she... she kept coming back in
time and time again,
418
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,840
and I... I knew she was growing attached,
419
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:12,560
but I still went along with it to satisfy
my own stupid need for attention.
420
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,640
Hence the face. She... she did this to me.
421
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:19,880
You see...
422
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,400
that's what abuse does to you, you know?
423
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:25,400
It made me this...
424
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,400
sticking plaster
for all of life's weirdos. This...
425
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,640
This open wound for them to sniff at.
426
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,920
I knew she was mad,
and I knew she was dangerous,
427
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,600
but she flattered me, and that was enough.
428
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,600
And now... I really don't know
where it's gonna end.
429
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,560
I really think one of us is gonna
have to die now, and I'm not a killer.
430
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,920
Yeah, go on, walk out.
There'll be puns in the next section.
431
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,920
There's a guy
dressed as a train conductor.
432
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,560
I'm sure that's gonna be funny.
433
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:16,240
I met this trans woman.
434
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:20,440
You should see her.
435
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,920
She's the most beautiful person
you've ever met, and
436
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:27,400
I just couldn't...
437
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,040
I just couldn't...
438
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,160
...love her.
439
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:36,400
And I see it now.
440
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,280
I see what it was that I lost in her.
441
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,040
Moreover, I see why I messed it up
in the way that I did.
442
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:46,960
And it's because of this, right?
443
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,560
It's because I loved one thing
in this world more than I did her, right?
444
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:54,480
One thing.
445
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,320
And do you know what that one thing was?
446
00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:02,320
Hating myself.
447
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:18,560
I love it.
448
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,920
I'm addicted to it.
449
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,320
I don't know anything else.
450
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,760
Because God forbid
ever taking a chance at life.
451
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:28,640
God forbid
ever taking a chance at happiness.
452
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:36,720
And that's why
I messed it up with her.
453
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:41,040
Because I hated myself
so much more than I loved her.
454
00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:46,120
And I loved her so very much.
455
00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:54,320
I've spent my whole life
456
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:56,760
running away.
457
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:00,040
And this...
458
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:05,120
This competition,
this was just another hundred meters
459
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,640
in a marathon
I was never gonna finish alive.
460
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:12,640
So I'm gonna stop running now.
461
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,200
Because I just don't have the legs
for it anymore. I just don't.
462
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:28,640
Yeah.
463
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:33,840
Don't know how I started
coming out with all this, to be honest.
464
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,320
Really not sure how to finish.
465
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:45,160
Oh, actually...
466
00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,720
Poppa condoms,
proper condoms
467
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:50,600
for policemen working in helicopters
468
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:53,680
who enjoy eating Indian food
and Burger King.
469
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:57,800
Pop a proper Whopper chopper copper
popadam condom on.
470
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,880
Are there any questions?
471
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:26,080
Well, then,
472
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:29,800
I look forward
to winning this competition.
473
00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:56,280
♪ Golden boats float down a ♪
474
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,120
♪ River of sighs ♪
475
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:08,240
♪ Rain on the street is falling ♪
476
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,120
♪ Tears in my eyes ♪
477
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,520
♪ Wings of an angel open ♪
478
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,120
♪ In the dark sky ♪
479
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:29,880
♪ Rain on my face is falling ♪
38360
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