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♪ When I look up from my pillow ♪
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♪ I dream you are there with me... ♪
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00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,040
I blocked Martha on Facebook
and then took some time off from the pub.
4
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{\an8}Maybe in the back of my mind,
5
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,520
{\an8}I hoped that if I disappeared long enough
she might grow bored,
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00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,720
or I might be able
to forget what happened.
7
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,880
But I still felt her grope
for days afterwards.
8
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The smell of her neck sweat
as she pressed me up against the wall.
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And why did I freeze?
10
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,800
Why did I just let it happen?
11
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,640
It didn't feel human.
12
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:54,080
It never does.
13
00:00:54,080 --> 00:01:00,840
♪ I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me ♪
14
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,360
♪ I go to sleep... ♪
15
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,200
Ooh, you're up late.
16
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,440
Uh, yeah. I... I couldn't sleep.
17
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,720
How was your date Friday?
18
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,680
Oh, not the best.
19
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,200
Look,
20
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,560
I hope you don't feel
like you can't bring people back here
21
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,480
just because you used to date my daughter.
22
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,720
Oh, no. No, it's, uh...
It's not that. It's just, um...
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00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:25,600
♪ I go to sleep... ♪
24
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,160
Um...
25
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,400
♪ Sleep... ♪
26
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,240
She ditched me on the way home.
27
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,360
What a scumbag.
28
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,200
Honestly, Donny, you're better off
without someone like that.
29
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,520
♪ And imagine that you're there with me ♪
30
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:41,960
♪ I was wrong ♪
31
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:43,800
♪ I will cry ♪
32
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,800
♪ I will love you till the day I die ♪
33
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,080
♪ You alone, you alone... ♪
34
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,960
I knew I couldn't sit inside
anymore ignoring my problems,
35
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,840
and so I headed round to Teri's,
determined to do something
36
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,000
which felt more reckless
than any of my behavior so far.
37
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,320
I was gonna tell her the truth.
38
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:02,440
Hello?
39
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,920
All right, mate. Delivery.
40
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,320
Oh, okay. Coming.
41
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,880
- ♪ Sleep ♪
42
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,520
What the hell, Tony?
43
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,680
Look, I know I'm not a delivery man,
but I am delivering something.
44
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:17,600
What?
45
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,880
An apology.
46
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,800
Oh, fuck off, you cheesy prick.
47
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,520
Does that mean I can come up?
48
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:41,720
You have three minutes.
49
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,000
My name's not Tony.
50
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,400
I knew it. What's your real name?
51
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,520
It's Donny.
52
00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:56,640
Oh, so you can be honest with your stalker
but not with me?
53
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,800
I mean, is anything you told me true?
54
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,720
Your ballsy fucking building job for one.
55
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:04,880
No.
56
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,400
Why? Why lie?
57
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,240
I don't know. It... it...
I just felt vulnerable, I guess.
58
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,960
It just helped me ease into it,
you know, pretending to be someone else.
59
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,480
Someone, I don't know,
60
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,280
manly.
61
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,000
That's, like, the craziest shit
I've ever heard.
62
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,480
You're fucking sick, you know that?
63
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,920
So go on, where do you work?
64
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,000
- A pub.
Which pub?
65
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,560
You can't even say that.
66
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,200
The Heart in Camden.
67
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:45,280
What do you do?
68
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,280
I just told you what I did.
69
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:51,000
Nobody wants to work at a bar.
What's the plan? The big picture?
70
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,160
Where do you wanna be in ten years' time?
71
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,320
A comedian.
72
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,600
Oh, that's good.
73
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,960
I'm sure this is a right laugh.
74
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,360
Is that it?
Doing all of this for a bit of material?
75
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,920
What? No. Teri, I'd never do that.
76
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:14,320
I don't believe you.
I don't believe anything you say.
77
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,400
And guess what?
78
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,360
Time's up, dickhead.
Get the fuck out my house.
79
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,000
Listen.
80
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,120
♪ There's a longing that burns you ♪
81
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:48,640
♪ You have to return to ♪
82
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:55,440
♪ The only life you'll ever know ♪
83
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:01,480
♪ The sound of the swaying ♪
84
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♪ The horn pipes are playing ♪
85
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:12,800
♪ For you, an aged matelot ♪
86
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♪ A matelot ♪
87
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,200
Donny! Donny!
88
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,800
Come here. Come say hello
to the cooking group.
89
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,040
There he is!
90
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,000
Have you guys done any cooking whatsoever?
91
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,400
- We're still on the flambé.
92
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,160
Who've you got? Any new recruits?
93
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,040
Oh, yes. This is Beau.
94
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,440
- Beau is a painter by trade.
Hello, Beau.
95
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,120
And this is Sheila. But, oh God, sorry,
I've forgotten what it is you do.
96
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,000
I'm a lawyer.
97
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,440
When I first came to London,
I moved with my then girlfriend, Keeley,
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00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,520
into her mother's home while we tried
to find a place to build a life together.
99
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,440
Nice to meet you.
100
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:40,200
But an intended stopgap
of two weeks turned into six months,
101
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,600
turned into one year,
102
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,600
turned into her calling me
an emotionless prick and moving out
103
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,320
before I could manage an erection.
104
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,360
So then, in an irony
I couldn't quite believe,
105
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,880
I found myself married to her mother.
106
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,000
Shortly after Keeley moved out,
107
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,640
Liz's eldest son
died in an abseiling accident,
108
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:05,360
which was about as intense a way
into a new living situation as could be.
109
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,840
Oh my God, I'm... I am so sorry.
110
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,320
No, no, it's fine.
111
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,520
- Are you sure? I mean, I...
Yeah.
112
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,920
Okay. Um...
All right. I... I'll be very quick.
113
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I'll go round this way.
114
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:20,920
Ooh.
115
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,360
You all right? Good to see you.
116
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,560
For three minutes.
117
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,480
And I do sometimes question
whether the timing of Liz's son's passing
118
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,040
lead her to see me as an extension of him.
119
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:51,000
Like he left the house one day
and came back a little more Scottish,
120
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,720
a little more neurotic, and, dare I say,
121
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,280
a little better at abseiling.
122
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,440
I got this. Found it in the loft.
123
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,440
- Oh, no, I couldn't.
- He dressed well.
124
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,160
He did. But, honestly, I couldn't.
It wouldn't feel right.
125
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,160
Why don't I leave this with you?
Think it through.
126
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,600
Honestly, Liz,
I absolutely cannot accept this coat.
127
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,040
It was a strange living situation,
128
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,920
to be shacked up with the twice-divorced,
grieving mother of my ex-girlfriend.
129
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,320
But in the end, I really grew to value
her presence in my life.
130
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,680
She had the kind of boundless positivity
131
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:25,120
reserved only for those fighting
the most unspeakable circumstances.
132
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,640
Therefore, when Keeley found out
about my plans to stay,
133
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,920
she let me, on one condition.
134
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,920
That I never bring chaos
to her mother's door.
135
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,320
I don't know how you do it.
Honestly, I don't.
136
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,320
Do what, hen?
137
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,600
Stay up this late
without so much as a tipple.
138
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,760
I'm better without it.
Crazy enough as it is, me.
139
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,440
My old man used to say
140
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,720
I'm a full-time drunk
without touching a drop.
141
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,000
I know that feeling.
142
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,400
She's good. I like her.
143
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,760
- Top-up?
- I think we should maybe wrap up.
144
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,280
A Diet Coke, please.
145
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,640
You'll be bouncing off the walls
with all that caffeine.
146
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:03,600
Hopefully.
147
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,800
Might need a bit of help bouncing, mind.
148
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:11,120
Listen, uh, Liz, I think
maybe we should call it.
149
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,480
I'm... I'm up early, and I need...
I need a decent night's sleep.
150
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,280
I could stay here.
151
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,560
You'd be so welcome.
152
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,960
This is an old lodging house.
Plenty of rooms to spare.
153
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,800
I actually think it's best
if Martha doesn't stay tonight.
154
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,960
Her name's Sheila! Oh my God!
155
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,840
You're supposed to be the sober one.
156
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:36,320
Sheila, I assume I can trust you
to stay quiet for young Donny here.
157
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,360
Oh, absolutely. I'll bite my lip
if I think of making any noise.
158
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,840
Great. That's settled, then.
I'll pad you out a bed.
159
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,800
Donny, why don't you make Sheila
a nice cup of tea for beddies?
160
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,120
You're to leave here, right now.
161
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,240
No. I'm staying the night.
162
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,040
It'd be rude not to. My new friend Liz
is fastening me up a bed.
163
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,280
She's not your friend,
and you're not fucking staying.
164
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,120
Don't get stuffy with me.
165
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,160
You're lucky I'm still interested
166
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,560
after you pissed off from the pub
and blocked me on Facebook.
167
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,400
I'm not talking about this.
If you continue this bullshit any longer,
168
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,040
I'll call the police.
169
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,760
You wouldn't dare. I'm a lawyer.
170
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,000
I've got certain standards to live up to.
171
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,120
I don't want the police
making waffles out of nothing.
172
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,160
Then leave.
Stay away from this cooking class.
173
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,520
Stay away from Liz,
and stay away from this house.
174
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,080
Is that clear?
175
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,520
Okay. All right.
176
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:37,160
What's it gonna--
177
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,080
I spent all night panicking,
178
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,120
thinking of the things Martha could do
now she knew where I lived.
179
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,000
She could come over all the time,
180
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,160
hound me in the corridors of my home,
181
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,520
sneak into my bed
in the dead of the night.
182
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,040
And what would happen then?
183
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,720
I should have gone to the police,
but I decided to speak to her first,
184
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,800
tell her that if she ever came
to the house again,
185
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,880
there would be absolutely no going back.
186
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:49,400
But she never showed.
187
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,200
She knew it was my first shift back.
188
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,680
Was that all it took
to remove her from my life?
189
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,080
One threat about calling the police?
190
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,600
It all just seemed too simple, too easy,
191
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:05,520
too...
192
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,560
Oh shit!
193
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:31,920
F...
194
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,200
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
195
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,000
I'll get this.
196
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,720
I told you not to come here.
197
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,120
I don't think you have
any say in the matter.
198
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,120
Keeley.
199
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:57,800
What are you...
200
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,000
- What are you doing here?
- What, at my family home?
201
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,240
- I didn't know you had plans to be down.
- I told my mum not to tell you.
202
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,000
I didn't wanna make a big deal out of it.
203
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,520
But judging by your facial expressions,
probably too late for that.
204
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,480
No, no, I just, um... I just, uh...
How long are you staying for?
205
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,920
As long as I bloody like.
- Yeah, yeah. No, of course.
206
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,320
Yeah, well, this is serious.
Your girlfriend is a psycho.
207
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:26,440
She keeps contacting me on Facebook.
She will not leave me alone.
208
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,680
I'm starting to worry
I'm gonna bump into her somewhere.
209
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:29,920
Can you talk to her?
210
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,400
- She's not my girlfriend.
- Who is she, then?
211
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:35,920
You need to sort this out.
212
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,960
Why me?
I don't have anything to do with this.
213
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,760
Bullshit. You would have done something
to bring this on.
214
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:44,600
- Here we go. Blame me like you always do.
- Yeah, I do blame you. You love drama.
215
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,280
Anything to take you away
from the stasis that is your own life.
216
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:51,000
Wow, wow. It's great to see you putting
that psychology postgrad to good use
217
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,400
after all this time.
218
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,720
There was me thinking you were wasting it
working in a flower shop.
219
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,240
If she keeps pestering me,
I'm gonna tell my mum.
220
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,200
And then you'll be out of here
before you can say mates' rates.
221
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,000
Every day now,
Martha would be outside.
222
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,960
This ticking time bomb on my life.
223
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,560
I would leave first thing in the morning,
and she would be there.
224
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,440
I love you, nipple.
Think of me at work today.
225
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,240
♪ ...don't remember what to say... ♪
226
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,080
Then I would come back,
sometimes as late as 11 or 12 at night,
227
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,520
and she would still be there.
228
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,800
How was your shift, reindeer?
Did you think of me?
229
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,800
I never understood what she got
from it. She never approached me.
230
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,560
She never came to the house again.
231
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,720
She avoided Liz whenever she passed.
232
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,720
It was all catcalls and snatched glimpses,
233
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,360
as she devoted 15, 16-hour days
to a fleeting encounter.
234
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,960
Tell us a joke, funny bones.
235
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:55,680
Make me smile.
236
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,600
But soon, as time wore on
and the temperature dropped,
237
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,600
I noticed a change in Martha
238
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,920
as she descended into this staring.
239
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,320
♪ Don't remember which way to go... ♪
240
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,000
Martha.
241
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:11,920
Are you okay?
242
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:16,920
♪ You wheel, you steal ♪
243
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,000
♪ You feel ♪
244
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,240
♪ You kneel down... ♪
245
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,520
It all just came back
246
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,120
to those same feelings of empathy
which got me here.
247
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,280
♪ Down ♪
248
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,280
♪ Down ♪
249
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:32,640
♪ Down... ♪
250
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,560
♪ Down ♪
251
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,600
♪ Down ♪
252
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,120
Jesus Christ, Martha, how long
have you been sitting out here for?
253
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,480
Here. I've got a tissue somewhere.
254
00:15:59,080 --> 00:15:59,920
There.
255
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,120
All right.
256
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,520
Here, let me, um...
257
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,920
You're gonna catch your death
if you sit out here all night.
258
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,560
I'm gonna take you back to yours, okay?
259
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,600
My landlady has a car, and I'll...
260
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,880
I'll drive you.
261
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,120
All right, come on.
262
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,320
Here. Let's go.
263
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,160
Here. Sit down.
264
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:22,640
Gonna make you a cup of tea.
265
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,560
It's important you heat up
as soon as possible.
266
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:32,920
♪ Come wander with me, love... ♪
267
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:40,040
♪ Come wander with me ♪
268
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:47,400
♪ Away from this sad world ♪
269
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:55,320
♪ Come wander with me ♪
270
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,840
Here. It's hot.
271
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:17,080
Martha, you have to stop
hanging around that bus stop on my road.
272
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:20,960
Why?
273
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:27,400
Because you're only there
because my house is 30 yards away.
274
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,360
You live next door to my friend.
275
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,560
{\an8}Then why are you there
and not next door at your friend's?
276
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,120
Martha, please, don't do this.
277
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,680
My home means a great deal to me,
and I can't afford to be anywhere else.
278
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,120
Fuck.
279
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,600
Oh no. Why are you crying, nipple?
280
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:01,800
No, I'm not fucking crying.
I just...
281
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,160
What's wrong? Tell me.
282
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,800
You, Martha. You're what's wrong.
283
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,760
What can I do to help though, reindeer?
What... what do you need?
284
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,680
Space.
285
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:16,880
Space.
286
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,240
Fr... from me?
287
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:20,840
From us?
288
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,520
Oh, what are you talking about?
There is no us! Fucking hell.
289
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,440
I can say anything to you, can't I,
290
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,160
and you'll just pick and choose
the bits you want to hear.
291
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,680
I mean, look at you,
292
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,240
staring at me like...
293
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,200
Like what?
294
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,320
I mean...
295
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:43,840
you believe it, don't you?
296
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,240
Martha.
297
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,200
I'm breaking up with you.
298
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,360
Oh.
299
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:12,760
Oh no.
300
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,760
Oh no.
301
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,720
Oh no, please. No, don't.
302
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,280
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
303
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,080
Please.
304
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,640
- I'll stop, I'll stop.
- No, don't do that, Martha, okay?
305
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,080
- Don't. Just listen to me, okay? Listen.
- Oh no.
306
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:37,120
Don't think of this as something you lost.
Think of it as something you gained.
307
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:39,960
If you stop now
308
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,160
{\an8}and never contact me again,
it's almost been perfect, hasn't it?
309
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,680
This fairy tale to look back on.
310
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,640
{\an8}But for it to remain a fairy tale,
311
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,520
{\an8}you now need to respect
the boundaries of the breakup.
312
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,640
You wouldn't wanna spoil
that fairy-tale ending, would you?
313
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,080
No.
314
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,560
No.
315
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,120
I wouldn't, Frankie.
316
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:16,960
I won't do nothing
317
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,200
to harm what we had.
318
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,280
Okay, guys. All right, listen up.
319
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,520
Welcome to the semifinals.
You each have five minutes.
320
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,800
The red light will flash
15 seconds before the end,
321
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,520
and if you go over your allotted time,
you will be disqualified.
322
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,280
- Now, Glenda here is your compère.
- Sup, guys?
323
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,040
So any requests, specific introductions,
she's your man.
324
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,840
Right. Good luck, everyone.
325
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,240
I had built this gig up in my head
as the answer to all my problems.
326
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:57,800
Getting to the final might be enough
327
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,200
to drag me out of the hell
of the past few years.
328
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,840
And with Martha gone, it really felt like
there was nothing in my way.
329
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:04,840
That was until...
330
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:05,760
Teri.
331
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:07,720
Uh...
332
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,280
- What the hell?
- Warm welcome.
333
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,840
No, no, it's just...
334
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,680
I haven't seen you for weeks.
335
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,200
- What are you doing here?
- Coming to see the show.
336
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,200
- You can't be serious.
Deadly.
337
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,280
If anything's gonna give me closure,
338
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,120
it's seeing you fail spectacularly
in front of hundreds of people.
339
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,480
Will 20 do?
340
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:33,960
And, sorry, these are?
341
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,200
Oh. My friends.
342
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,480
They're here to stop me
sliding into a familiar pattern
343
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,800
of shame-based behavior with horrible men.
344
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,760
Nice to meet you.
345
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,960
Well, if I wasn't nervous before,
I am now.
346
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,840
Good. We're very hard to please.
347
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,360
Come on, bro. I need to open the doors.
348
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:59,040
Yeah, sorry. I'll... I'll be right up, okay?
I'll be two seconds, yeah?
349
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,680
Sorry, I don't know why I opted to stay.
I'm gonna go too. Enjoy the show.
350
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,440
So, Dad,
if you're watching this...
351
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:15,560
- Oh, Jesus. Oh, fucking hell. Jesus.
...put on some trousers.
352
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,080
You want an introduction?
353
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,320
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Can you introduce me
as a little bit mad?
354
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,160
It might help set up the audience
for something a little bit different.
355
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,000
Sure. You're on next. Good luck, mate.
356
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:34,000
- Well done. That was great.
How good was that?
357
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,800
Okay. Now, your next act is mental.
358
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,640
He's been stalking about backstage,
freaking us all out.
359
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:43,600
That's too much.
360
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,920
So you're gonna have
to lock up your daughters.
361
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,320
Makes me sound like a pervert.
362
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,920
Please welcome to the stage...
- Fuck's sake!
363
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,000
...Donny Dunn!
All right, yeah.
364
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:55,840
Yeah, that's...
365
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,400
Uh, yeah, sorry.
Uh, leave those doors unlocked.
366
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,160
That's... Yep, that's not a joke.
367
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:04,080
It's just... I'm not after your daughters.
That makes me sound like a... a...
368
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:06,520
I'm not a pervert.
369
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,960
I've always found that phrase weird.
"Lock up your daughters."
370
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:18,040
Like they lock up all the women in town,
instead of dealing with the one pervert.
371
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,040
Talk about counterproductive.
372
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,640
I... I assume he's a pervert anyway.
I mean, he could be, like, a... like a...
373
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,920
serial killer or something,
you know, with a
374
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,080
particular penchant for, uh,
375
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,080
young girls.
376
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:44,280
So, yeah, not after your daughters.
Uh, just wanna make that clear up top.
377
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,880
I'm from Scotland originally,
so it's your pastries I'm after.
378
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,120
Um, I know I don't sound Scottish,
379
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,320
but if you need proof,
just look at the state of me.
380
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:54,880
I've just turned 16.
381
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,240
All right, good. Yeah.
All right, let's do some jokes.
382
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:01,400
Donny Dunn.
383
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,200
So three weeks ago,
my girlfriend came up to me,
384
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,480
and she says
she really wants to try tantric sex,
385
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,080
the art of delaying an orgasm.
386
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,080
So I replied, "Hey, I've been going out
with you for five years,
387
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,520
and you haven't come once."
388
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,080
"What more do you want from me?"
389
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,320
Donny Dunn.
390
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,960
Two weeks ago,
my girlfriend came up to me and said,
391
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,800
"I just think
we're not working as lovers."
392
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,840
To which I replied, "Oh, come on."
393
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,160
"That's what you said
about the cousins thing."
394
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,960
Donny Dunn.
395
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,240
Then one week after that,
she came up to me and she said,
396
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:38,960
"I'm thinking of leaving you."
397
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,800
To which I replied,
398
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,640
"Please. No."
399
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,160
Donny Dunn.
400
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,280
Um...
401
00:26:55,080 --> 00:27:00,000
All right, um, yeah. Let's do some...
Let's do some prop stuff. All right.
402
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,440
♪ Especially for you ♪
403
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:08,280
♪ I wanna let you know
What I was going through ♪
404
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:12,640
♪ All the time we were apart
I thought of you ♪
405
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:19,240
Thanks for that. Moving on.
406
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:20,400
I miss you.
407
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,400
Um, I miss you too, random stranger.
408
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,200
I'm not a random stranger. I'm your ex.
409
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,400
Don't be so cruel.
410
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,480
Who's that girl you were talking about?
411
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,440
Is that Keeley from your Facebook?
412
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:36,920
Um...
413
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:42,520
No, it's a little thing
called fiction, actually.
414
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,040
Just so you know,
when you watch Game of Thrones,
415
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,720
those aren't real dragons,
you do realize that?
416
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:54,160
I don't know why they're all laughing.
You're absolutely shite.
417
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,160
Ooh.
418
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,680
Okay, just to give you
some context, ladies and gentlemen,
419
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:00,600
this is, uh...
420
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,400
This is Martha, my stalker.
Say hello to Martha.
421
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,320
Don't you dare say that to me!
422
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,360
I'm a paying customer.
How dare you insinuate mixed intentions!
423
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,560
You apologize to me right now.
424
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:14,280
Uh...
425
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,280
Fucking hell.
Who unlocked the doors to Broadmoor?
426
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,640
You can't call me a stalker.
427
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,960
You're the one
creeping round my house at night.
428
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,040
Peering in through my windows.
429
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,600
Sending me emails begging for my bumhole.
430
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,320
I... I... I genuinely have no idea
what she's talking about.
431
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,440
Yes, you do.
432
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:36,760
I'll show them.
433
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,440
- He does know what I'm talking about.
- Can we get her out?
434
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,320
- Someone?
- Look. There.
435
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,200
I don't know what that is.
436
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,520
Look, sorry,
can we get her out, please? Yep?
437
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,840
Look, an email.
Anal sex, it says.
438
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,840
There, see? Look. Anal.
439
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,600
Come on, darling. Out we go.
Anal sex, it says.
440
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:59,080
- Don't you put your hands on me.
Out we go.
441
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,000
You're not allowed to put
your hands on me. Under no circumstances.
442
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,320
No. He's a bumhole lover, this one.
443
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,200
A proper dirty little bumhole lover.
444
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:13,040
A filthy little two-bit,
barman, bumhole bastard!
445
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:16,320
Don't touch me!
446
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,520
Can't take my mum anywhere.
447
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,040
Fuck!
448
00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:51,480
Teri. Oh fuck.
449
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:52,920
Get in. Get in, quick. Quick.
450
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,200
- Was that Martha?
- Yeah.
451
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,360
- That was nuts.
- I know. We need to get out of here.
452
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,960
- I wanna meet her.
453
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,520
- You're not serious?
- I am. I wanna meet her.
454
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,360
No, Teri. That is not a good idea.
455
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,200
It is. Think about it. I'm a therapist.
I can get through to her.
456
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:12,440
Think about it. She's insane.
There's no getting through to her.
457
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,080
You'll have to come down
the back way with me.
458
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:21,680
Just do this for me, yeah?
459
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:26,440
Fine. Loser.
460
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,320
It's kinda comical,
you being scared of a middle-aged woman.
461
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:35,480
Wait until you hear about my phobia
of massive, abandoned fucking back rooms.
462
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:40,520
Reindeer?
- Oh shit!
463
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:42,440
Shit.
464
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:48,480
Shit!
465
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:56,440
- Oh my God.
- Fucking hell.
466
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,080
I'm, like, shaking.
467
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,480
Jesus. She's terrifying.
468
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:01,920
Do you think she saw us?
469
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,680
- I hope not.
- Fucking hell.
470
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:09,800
Um...
471
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,680
Shall we, uh... Shall we get a drink, maybe?
472
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:16,280
I don't know.
473
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,440
I didn't really plan on
being here with you.
474
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,640
Look, just give me
one more chance, please.
475
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,840
Look, it's not about me giving you
another chance. It's just...
476
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:32,200
I don't really wanna be seen
with the shit comedian from the show.
477
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,040
You can always
sit on the table behind me
478
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,160
and talk to me over your shoulder
if you'd like.
479
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:40,320
Yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
480
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:49,160
Oh, Jesus, that gig was brutal.
481
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,520
Yeah. It was going so well too.
482
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,000
I really would have fancied your chances,
had she not interrupted.
483
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:00,240
- You always know the right thing to say.
- Mm-hmm.
484
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:07,720
So, what made you stick around?
485
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,720
Seeing you struggle up top.
486
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:13,040
I just wanted to come on stage,
give you a hug,
487
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:15,200
and tell you to get a real job.
488
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:26,080
Also, I saw you changed your profile
on the website, and...
489
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,320
I don't know.
490
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:33,400
I thought that was maybe worth something.
491
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:42,200
Do you ever think
that you'd be able to see past what I did?
492
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,760
Mm, no. Probably not.
493
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:52,400
It'll be the baseline
494
00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,680
for every single argument we have
from now on.
495
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:59,440
I win, essentially, for the rest of time.
496
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:01,960
Yeah, I think I can live with that.
497
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,400
Who's the skank?
498
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,440
You must be Martha.
499
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,160
I've heard so much about you.
500
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,520
- I've heard fuck all about you.
- All right. Calm down, Martha.
501
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,320
Who's the fucking skank?
502
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,200
Teresa. Her name is Teresa.
503
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,920
Donny, I think Martha's gonna need
a little bit more information than that.
504
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,760
Teri, I get why you're doing this,
but now is not the right time.
505
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:30,680
Sit down. It's exactly the right time.
506
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,600
- Don't you touch him, bitch!
- Martha.
507
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,040
I swear to God,
you lay another finger on him,
508
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,080
I'm gonna wipe that lip from you,
mark my words.
509
00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,480
Seriously. Let's step outside,
Martha, okay?
510
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:41,800
Honestly, Donny,
I'd ask if you're fucking,
511
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,880
but I don't think you'd stoop so low
as to put your dick somewhere this dirty.
512
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,360
- What do you mean, "dirty"?
- You know what I mean.
513
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,800
Okay, I think we should all
calm down a bit, yeah?
514
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:51,360
No, not until you tell me
515
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,640
who the foreign tart
with the high cheekbones is,
516
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,040
acting like I've got no right to be here,
517
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,720
when she's got no right
to be in my fucking country!
518
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,320
All right, Martha. Calm down.
519
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,520
Everything all right?
- I've got this.
520
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:06,360
Is this the company you're keeping?
Druggies and rapists, the lot of 'em.
521
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,280
I swear to God, if I had my way,
522
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,680
I'd sink their boats on the horizon.
523
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,280
You know what?
I'm getting bored of this now.
524
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:19,760
So, Donny, why don't you just tell her
that you're on a date with me
525
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,440
and she needs to fuck off?!
526
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:27,560
Whore.
527
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,280
Whore!
528
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:33,600
Fucking whore!
529
00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:35,560
You're a nasty, nasty little whore!
530
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:37,400
Martha, come on!
- Fucking skank!
531
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,280
- You fucking ugly bitch!
Martha!
532
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:41,640
Let go, Martha!
533
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:43,520
Boots!
534
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,080
Stop, Martha! Calm down!
535
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,720
- Little bitch! The boots!
Someone fucking help!
536
00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:49,840
The boots!
537
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:53,160
- Look at the boots! Bitch! Whore!
Martha, get up!
538
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,040
You look like a man!
539
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,440
Right, get the fuck out of here, Martha!
540
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,480
The fucking boots bitch!
541
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,240
You're fucking insane!
542
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:09,440
- That isn't true!
- Shut your fucking mouth and listen to me!
543
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:14,480
There isn't a fucking parallel world
where I would want you, okay?
544
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,000
So you stay away from me, do you hear?
545
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,680
If you so much as fucking sniff
in my fucking direction,
546
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,400
I will see to your grave.
547
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:23,600
Do you understand?
548
00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:26,560
Do you fucking understand?!
549
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:27,680
I understand.
550
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,680
Now get the fuck out of my life.
551
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,120
Out of the fucking way, please.
43065
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