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1
00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:11,097
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:11,536 --> 00:00:13,804
Here's us playing roulette
in the casino.
3
00:00:13,872 --> 00:00:16,039
(laughing): And here's us
doing karaoke. (laughs)
4
00:00:16,107 --> 00:00:18,320
And here's us...
Oh, gross, Drew.
5
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:19,707
Oh, I'm sorry.
6
00:00:19,774 --> 00:00:21,709
He must have taken that
when he was drunk.
7
00:00:21,776 --> 00:00:24,244
Okay, here's some dolphins
off the ship.
8
00:00:24,312 --> 00:00:25,745
Looks like a fun cruise.
9
00:00:25,813 --> 00:00:27,981
Yeah, Mexico was a blast.
10
00:00:28,048 --> 00:00:29,415
Thanks again
for watching Wilfred.
11
00:00:29,483 --> 00:00:30,383
Yeah.
12
00:00:30,451 --> 00:00:31,411
By the way, how are you?
13
00:00:31,476 --> 00:00:34,087
I feel like we haven't really
talked since the wedding.
14
00:00:34,155 --> 00:00:35,188
I'm good.
15
00:00:35,256 --> 00:00:36,322
We heard about
the whole Amanda thing.
16
00:00:36,390 --> 00:00:37,457
Are you okay?
17
00:00:37,525 --> 00:00:39,025
Yeah, I'm fine.
18
00:00:39,093 --> 00:00:40,861
I want you to know that
I'm always here for you.
19
00:00:40,928 --> 00:00:42,963
I appreciate that.
20
00:00:43,030 --> 00:00:44,798
WILFRED:
And here's me
21
00:00:44,865 --> 00:00:46,633
looking out the window
at absolutely nothing.
22
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:49,034
I did that for, like,
four or five hours.
23
00:00:49,102 --> 00:00:50,402
And here's me right after
24
00:00:50,470 --> 00:00:52,238
I startled myself awake
with my own fart.
25
00:00:52,305 --> 00:00:55,188
And here's me...
Oh, gross, Wilfred.
26
00:00:55,437 --> 00:00:58,005
Sorry, I must've taken
that when I was drunk.
27
00:00:58,073 --> 00:01:00,040
Wilfred sure is
excited to see us.
28
00:01:00,108 --> 00:01:03,411
I think that this is the longest
we've ever been away from him.
29
00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:05,246
Hey, you should come
over Friday night.
30
00:01:05,314 --> 00:01:07,182
Drew took a cooking class
on the ship,
31
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:09,217
and he's cooking up some recipes he learned.
Oh, yeah!
32
00:01:09,285 --> 00:01:10,885
And then you can meet
Ron and Peggy,
33
00:01:10,953 --> 00:01:12,554
one of the other couples
from the cruise.
34
00:01:12,622 --> 00:01:14,022
They're super nice.
They're super fat.
35
00:01:14,090 --> 00:01:15,257
All right. Yeah.
36
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,225
Sickness, Ry.
Well...
37
00:01:17,293 --> 00:01:19,161
what do you say
we loosen up these OJs
38
00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:20,863
with a few bubbles?
39
00:01:20,930 --> 00:01:22,431
Drew, it's 10:00
in the morning.
40
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,566
Ah, just a little
"hair of the dog."
41
00:01:24,634 --> 00:01:25,901
(pops loudly)
Ooh! Ah...
42
00:01:27,771 --> 00:01:30,540
(urinating) Oh, looks like the cork
scared Wilfy a little.
43
00:01:32,710 --> 00:01:35,412
Jesus offers you a fresh start,
44
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,881
a clean slate...
WILFRED: Hey!
45
00:01:36,948 --> 00:01:38,983
Can you turn that religious
bullshit off?
46
00:01:39,050 --> 00:01:40,884
I'm trying to enjoy
a blumpkin in here!
47
00:01:40,952 --> 00:01:42,752
And in return,
he asks for nothing
48
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,522
but your unquestioning faith
and commitment.
49
00:01:45,590 --> 00:01:47,191
If you receive
this pardon from God,
50
00:01:47,258 --> 00:01:49,226
you can stand before anyone
51
00:01:49,294 --> 00:01:50,795
with peace and calm in your heart.
What is wrong with you?
52
00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:52,163
Nothing.
53
00:01:52,231 --> 00:01:53,471
Because if you're ready to die,
54
00:01:53,532 --> 00:01:54,599
you're ready to live.
55
00:01:56,369 --> 00:01:58,136
Thinking about Amanda again?
56
00:01:58,204 --> 00:02:00,638
God, I wish everyone would
stop asking about Amanda.
57
00:02:00,706 --> 00:02:02,340
I'm totally fine, okay?
58
00:02:02,408 --> 00:02:05,610
Ryan, every dog has
this one itchy spot
59
00:02:05,678 --> 00:02:07,178
on his back,
just above the tail.
60
00:02:07,246 --> 00:02:08,613
And try as he may,
61
00:02:08,681 --> 00:02:10,449
he can never
scratch it himself.
62
00:02:10,516 --> 00:02:14,019
I mean, sure, he can try
to rub it up against a tree
63
00:02:14,086 --> 00:02:16,688
or up against
the underside of a couch,
64
00:02:16,756 --> 00:02:18,056
but it's never as comforting
65
00:02:18,124 --> 00:02:20,425
as the fingernails
of a good friend.
66
00:02:20,493 --> 00:02:21,559
What, do you want me
to cry on your shoulder?
67
00:02:21,627 --> 00:02:23,094
Hell, no!
68
00:02:23,162 --> 00:02:24,663
I'm not talking about
coming to me for comfort.
69
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:26,231
Why would I comfort you?
70
00:02:26,298 --> 00:02:28,139
I mean, you've hardly
been there for me lately.
71
00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:29,568
What are you talking about?
72
00:02:29,635 --> 00:02:31,670
Right.
73
00:02:31,738 --> 00:02:32,871
I'm serious.
What's wrong?
74
00:02:32,939 --> 00:02:34,873
Ryan...
75
00:02:34,941 --> 00:02:36,675
Jenna and Drew died.
76
00:02:36,742 --> 00:02:38,643
Wait, what?
77
00:02:38,711 --> 00:02:41,813
Yeah, they died for,
like, 17 days.
78
00:02:41,881 --> 00:02:43,949
I'm glad they finally
came back, though.
79
00:02:44,017 --> 00:02:46,151
Wilfred, they were just
on their honeymoon.
80
00:02:46,219 --> 00:02:47,719
Just 'cause you don't see
someone for a while
81
00:02:47,787 --> 00:02:49,087
doesn't mean they're dead.
82
00:02:49,155 --> 00:02:50,856
Ah... I'm pretty sure
they're dead.
83
00:02:50,924 --> 00:02:52,291
I looked everywhere for them.
84
00:02:52,358 --> 00:02:55,361
You think that death is
like a vacation?
85
00:02:55,428 --> 00:02:56,796
That's not how it works.
86
00:02:56,863 --> 00:02:58,263
Do you remember Shep,
the Great Dane
87
00:02:58,265 --> 00:02:59,632
you used to see at the park?
88
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,634
Yeah, old Shep
with the gray face
89
00:03:01,702 --> 00:03:04,070
and the funny cancers
he was always joking about.
90
00:03:04,138 --> 00:03:05,605
Yeah, he's been dead
quite a while.
91
00:03:05,673 --> 00:03:07,407
Should be back any day now.
92
00:03:07,475 --> 00:03:10,645
Wilfred, when people die--
really die--
93
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:11,946
then they're dead.
94
00:03:12,014 --> 00:03:13,381
That's it.
95
00:03:13,449 --> 00:03:14,582
They-they don't get
to come back.
96
00:03:14,650 --> 00:03:16,251
Wait.
97
00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:18,687
So, my grandmother,
my-my parents...
98
00:03:18,755 --> 00:03:21,356
they're not coming back?
99
00:03:21,424 --> 00:03:23,659
Holy shit.
100
00:03:23,727 --> 00:03:27,096
Marley and Me is
a really sad movie.
101
00:03:27,164 --> 00:03:28,698
God, why was I laughing
the whole time?
102
00:03:31,769 --> 00:03:33,036
What is it?
103
00:03:33,104 --> 00:03:34,270
My nemesis.
104
00:03:34,338 --> 00:03:35,805
The bane of all dogs.
105
00:03:35,873 --> 00:03:37,574
The mailman?
Exactly.
106
00:03:37,641 --> 00:03:38,975
Wait...
107
00:03:39,043 --> 00:03:40,710
It all makes sense now.
108
00:03:40,778 --> 00:03:42,645
He just goes away for a while,
109
00:03:42,713 --> 00:03:44,047
and then comes back.
(knocking at door)
110
00:03:44,115 --> 00:03:45,382
God, I feel like such an idiot!
111
00:03:45,450 --> 00:03:47,384
He was never actually dead.
112
00:03:47,452 --> 00:03:50,521
(knocking continues) Until now.
113
00:03:50,589 --> 00:03:52,790
The United States Postal Service
is a lie!
114
00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:56,060
Wilfred, stop it!
Yeah, they act all kind and benevolent.
115
00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:57,728
Sorry, just one sec!
But then they come to your house
116
00:03:57,796 --> 00:03:59,463
and drop off your mail!
117
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,732
(door shuts)
118
00:04:00,799 --> 00:04:03,468
Hey, I'm, uh, Bill.
119
00:04:03,536 --> 00:04:05,003
Your mailman.
Obviously.
120
00:04:05,071 --> 00:04:06,170
Here's your mail.
121
00:04:10,409 --> 00:04:12,143
Did you need a signature or...?
Uh...
122
00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:13,978
No, uh... it's kind of
embarrassing,
123
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:15,813
but do you mind
if I use your bathroom?
124
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,215
It's sort of an emergency.
125
00:04:17,283 --> 00:04:18,644
WILFRED:
Don't invite him in, Ryan!
126
00:04:18,684 --> 00:04:21,086
He can't come in
if you don't invite him!
127
00:04:21,153 --> 00:04:22,420
Yeah, sure.
128
00:04:22,488 --> 00:04:24,823
You can totally use
my bathroom,
129
00:04:24,891 --> 00:04:26,692
Mailman Bill.
(Bill grunts)
130
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,060
WILFRED: You're letting
him shit in the house?!
131
00:04:28,128 --> 00:04:29,762
I don't even get
to shit in the house!
132
00:04:29,830 --> 00:04:32,631
Oh, uh... I don't mean
to be such a princess,
133
00:04:32,699 --> 00:04:35,019
but there's no way the dog can
get through that door, right?
134
00:04:35,035 --> 00:04:37,670
A buddy of mine had sort of an incident.
Oh.
135
00:04:37,737 --> 00:04:39,505
Don't worry, you're fine.
Okay.
136
00:04:39,572 --> 00:04:41,106
Just, uh...
WILFRED: I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
137
00:04:41,174 --> 00:04:43,042
Thank you.
I'll kill you!
138
00:04:43,110 --> 00:04:44,777
WILFRED (quietly): I'll kill you...
I'll kill you...
139
00:04:44,845 --> 00:04:46,679
I'll kill you...
BILL: Ooh, thank you.
140
00:04:46,747 --> 00:04:49,715
I'll kill you...
Really enjoyed your toilet reading, by the way.
141
00:04:49,783 --> 00:04:51,751
Alan Moore? Miracleman?
Classic.
142
00:04:51,819 --> 00:04:54,186
Yeah, I've got every issue
except number 15.
143
00:04:54,254 --> 00:04:55,788
Oh.
It's too bad it's out of print.
144
00:04:55,856 --> 00:04:57,323
Yeah.
You like Alan Moore?
145
00:04:57,391 --> 00:04:59,692
Uh, yeah.
146
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,227
Rorschach?
Awesome.
147
00:05:01,295 --> 00:05:02,729
(laughing):
Yeah.
148
00:05:02,796 --> 00:05:04,030
Whoa, is that a pentagram?
149
00:05:04,098 --> 00:05:05,598
Oh. Yeah.
150
00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:07,967
My ex-girlfriend and I met
at a Slayer concert.
151
00:05:08,035 --> 00:05:10,269
So, me being
the romantic that I am,
152
00:05:10,337 --> 00:05:12,705
I decided to get a tattoo
to celebrate our anniversary.
153
00:05:12,773 --> 00:05:14,507
Nice.
Yeah... only, a week later,
154
00:05:14,574 --> 00:05:15,942
she goes nuts and dumps me
155
00:05:16,009 --> 00:05:17,544
for a guy she met at Chipotle.
156
00:05:17,611 --> 00:05:19,846
Ah! No point in dredging up
old bullshit like that.
157
00:05:19,914 --> 00:05:21,047
Right.
158
00:05:21,115 --> 00:05:22,549
Well, I'd better get on my way
159
00:05:22,616 --> 00:05:24,451
if I'm gonna finish my route
by happy hour.
160
00:05:24,518 --> 00:05:27,220
Tell you what, you should meet
me in Hinano's in an hour,
161
00:05:27,288 --> 00:05:29,822
and I'll bring by a copy
of Miracleman number 15.
162
00:05:29,890 --> 00:05:31,056
Oh, cool.
163
00:05:31,124 --> 00:05:32,258
Yeah, maybe I'll see you there.
164
00:05:32,325 --> 00:05:33,492
Well, great.
165
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:41,399
Wilfred!
What are you doing here?
166
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:42,767
Sorry, I just have
so many questions
167
00:05:42,835 --> 00:05:44,335
about this death thing.
168
00:05:44,403 --> 00:05:45,937
I'm meeting Bill right now.
Please.
169
00:05:46,004 --> 00:05:47,271
Just one question.
170
00:05:47,339 --> 00:05:49,373
You said earlier that
when someone dies,
171
00:05:49,441 --> 00:05:50,608
they don't come back.
172
00:05:50,675 --> 00:05:51,876
Where do they go?
173
00:05:51,943 --> 00:05:54,011
(sighs)
174
00:05:54,079 --> 00:05:55,546
Well...
175
00:05:55,613 --> 00:05:58,249
some people believe
that nothing happens.
176
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,117
That you just "turn off,"
like a light switch.
177
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,752
But if you're religious,
178
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,153
like if you're Christian,
for instance,
179
00:06:03,221 --> 00:06:04,154
then you believe
in a place called Heaven.
180
00:06:04,222 --> 00:06:05,288
Heaven?
181
00:06:05,356 --> 00:06:06,857
Eternal paradise,
182
00:06:06,924 --> 00:06:08,725
where you and God and Jesus
all live together...
183
00:06:08,793 --> 00:06:10,294
Look, I-I don't know
what happens, Wilfred.
184
00:06:10,361 --> 00:06:11,528
I have to go.
185
00:06:11,596 --> 00:06:13,130
Well, wait.
186
00:06:13,197 --> 00:06:14,564
How can you leave me
at a time like this?
187
00:06:14,632 --> 00:06:16,533
I'm having a crisis here!
188
00:06:25,910 --> 00:06:26,977
Are you sure that's okay?
189
00:06:27,045 --> 00:06:28,245
Oh, yeah.
190
00:06:28,313 --> 00:06:29,780
This is an "undeliverable."
191
00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:31,915
You see, the rain washed out
the address,
192
00:06:31,983 --> 00:06:33,551
and look,
there's not even a zip code.
193
00:06:33,618 --> 00:06:35,553
So this thing's headed
straight for the garbage.
194
00:06:35,621 --> 00:06:37,255
Let's see what we got, here.
195
00:06:37,322 --> 00:06:38,856
"Dear Steven,
196
00:06:38,924 --> 00:06:41,392
I've been thinking of you
more and more these days."
197
00:06:41,459 --> 00:06:42,893
Whoa.
198
00:06:42,961 --> 00:06:45,896
"I remember the nights
we spent together last fall.
199
00:06:45,964 --> 00:06:48,666
We did some things that
I both cherish and regret."
200
00:06:48,734 --> 00:06:51,235
Oh!
Well, this girl's a pretty good writer.
201
00:06:51,303 --> 00:06:52,536
"I still have memories
202
00:06:52,604 --> 00:06:54,772
of your massiveness
in my mouth"?
203
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:55,973
Oh!
Whoa!
204
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,308
Holy shit!
205
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,143
Okay, this girl is a freak.
206
00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:00,577
Still,
pretty good writing, though.
207
00:07:00,645 --> 00:07:04,047
"But I just got the results back
from my HIV test,
208
00:07:04,115 --> 00:07:06,916
"and I'm heartbroken to say
that they came back positive.
209
00:07:06,984 --> 00:07:09,552
"I know that you just
returned from Afghanistan
210
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:12,388
and are struggling with
your own PTSD issues..."
211
00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:18,361
(sighs)
212
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,065
(laughing)
213
00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:25,000
Shit!
214
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,368
Are you kidding me, man?
215
00:07:26,435 --> 00:07:28,603
That was crazy.
Oh...
216
00:07:28,670 --> 00:07:30,771
I remember one time
my buddy Barry
217
00:07:30,839 --> 00:07:32,640
had this undeliverable,
and it was, like...
218
00:07:32,707 --> 00:07:34,809
(clears throat)
219
00:07:34,877 --> 00:07:36,510
Oh, man, Barry...
220
00:07:36,578 --> 00:07:38,345
Who's Barry?
221
00:07:38,413 --> 00:07:40,347
Ah, just a guy that...
We used to work together.
222
00:07:40,415 --> 00:07:41,649
He's, uh...
223
00:07:41,717 --> 00:07:43,484
Hello! Here we go.
224
00:07:43,552 --> 00:07:45,052
This is what I'm talking about.
These are great.
225
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,520
As long as you don't mind
226
00:07:46,588 --> 00:07:48,689
putting this massiveness
in your mouth.
227
00:07:48,757 --> 00:07:50,825
Oh...
(laughs)
228
00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:58,233
WILFRED:
It's okay, Ryan.
229
00:07:58,301 --> 00:07:59,634
Wilfred!
230
00:07:59,702 --> 00:08:01,269
What the hell did you do?
231
00:08:01,337 --> 00:08:03,705
As you know, I was locked
inside a small car
232
00:08:03,773 --> 00:08:05,273
with black leather interior
233
00:08:05,341 --> 00:08:07,175
for hours as it baked
in the hot sun.
234
00:08:07,243 --> 00:08:08,944
And as I sat there
contemplating death,
235
00:08:09,012 --> 00:08:12,080
real death came upon me.
236
00:08:12,148 --> 00:08:13,682
I began overheating.
237
00:08:13,750 --> 00:08:15,484
I couldn't pant fast enough.
238
00:08:15,552 --> 00:08:18,253
I started to make these little,
squeaky whimpering noises
239
00:08:18,321 --> 00:08:19,481
that conveyed my desperation.
240
00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:21,023
And then suddenly,
241
00:08:21,090 --> 00:08:22,491
a thin, pale man
242
00:08:22,558 --> 00:08:23,825
with long hair and a beard
243
00:08:23,893 --> 00:08:25,260
appeared outside my window.
244
00:08:25,328 --> 00:08:27,162
He broke the glass
245
00:08:27,230 --> 00:08:29,564
and freed me
from death's clutches.
246
00:08:29,632 --> 00:08:31,266
It was Jesus!
247
00:08:31,334 --> 00:08:33,935
And Jesus stole my radio?
248
00:08:34,003 --> 00:08:35,837
The Lord works
in mysterious ways.
249
00:08:35,905 --> 00:08:37,806
You see,
I'm no longer frightened
250
00:08:37,873 --> 00:08:40,241
of the concept of death.
251
00:08:40,309 --> 00:08:42,177
The Lord is my shepherd.
252
00:08:42,245 --> 00:08:45,514
With his rod and his staff,
he comforts me.
253
00:08:48,051 --> 00:08:50,319
I've been saved.
254
00:08:50,386 --> 00:08:54,339
I have been saved, Ryan!
255
00:08:58,883 --> 00:09:00,123
Brought you a little something.
256
00:09:00,151 --> 00:09:01,418
Rosary beads?
257
00:09:01,485 --> 00:09:04,187
They're meant
to aid you in prayer.
258
00:09:04,255 --> 00:09:06,890
Before I was saved,
I used to use them
259
00:09:06,958 --> 00:09:09,016
for sinful, carnal purposes.
260
00:09:11,196 --> 00:09:13,764
Wow, you're really taking
this religious shit seriously.
261
00:09:13,832 --> 00:09:17,502
I once was lost
but now I'm found.
262
00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:18,803
Oh, Bear!
263
00:09:18,871 --> 00:09:20,805
Put away those wicked breasts!
264
00:09:20,873 --> 00:09:22,374
We're not even married!
265
00:09:22,442 --> 00:09:23,863
And unspread that!
266
00:09:25,211 --> 00:09:26,491
Why are you wearing
my underwear?
267
00:09:26,545 --> 00:09:27,845
To cover my nakedness.
268
00:09:27,913 --> 00:09:29,280
That looks painful.
269
00:09:29,348 --> 00:09:31,315
How are you gonna
wag your tail?
270
00:09:31,383 --> 00:09:32,650
When one walks
with the Lord, Ryan,
271
00:09:32,717 --> 00:09:34,451
one's tail is always wagging.
272
00:09:34,519 --> 00:09:36,820
Whatever. I'm going
to Hinano's to meet Bill.
273
00:09:36,888 --> 00:09:38,388
That Satanist?
274
00:09:38,456 --> 00:09:40,356
I've seen his pentagram tattoo.
275
00:09:40,424 --> 00:09:41,825
Mark of the devil.
276
00:09:41,892 --> 00:09:43,860
It's just an old Slayer tattoo.
277
00:09:43,927 --> 00:09:45,461
Wait.
278
00:09:45,529 --> 00:09:47,130
This whole religious thing
is just an act
279
00:09:47,198 --> 00:09:48,665
because you hate the fact
280
00:09:48,733 --> 00:09:50,000
that I'm hanging out
with the mailman.
281
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,768
I don't hate mailmen.
282
00:09:51,836 --> 00:09:54,471
I love all God's creatures,
even certain Jews.
283
00:09:54,539 --> 00:09:56,439
What would your God-fearing
Christian friends,
284
00:09:56,507 --> 00:09:57,941
Jenna and Drew,
285
00:09:58,009 --> 00:10:00,177
think about you fraternizing
with a Satanist?
286
00:10:00,244 --> 00:10:02,179
They're not even that religious.
Not religious?
287
00:10:02,246 --> 00:10:03,947
Does Jenna not cry out
to God late at night
288
00:10:04,015 --> 00:10:05,515
when she layeth with Drew?
289
00:10:05,583 --> 00:10:07,717
Does Drew not call out
the name of Jesus
290
00:10:07,785 --> 00:10:10,320
when someone lands on "Bankrupt"
on Wheel of Fortune?
291
00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:12,388
I'll pray for you,
Brother Newman.
292
00:10:14,992 --> 00:10:17,193
It's not like one of
those office jobs
293
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:18,940
where you got to get
to know your coworkers
294
00:10:18,995 --> 00:10:20,629
and hear all about their
dreams and relationships.
295
00:10:20,697 --> 00:10:22,097
Where do I sign up?
296
00:10:22,165 --> 00:10:23,465
Right?
297
00:10:23,532 --> 00:10:25,700
Man, I mean,
every day is a cake walk, man.
298
00:10:25,768 --> 00:10:27,068
I mean, I'm strolling
around the neighborhood,
299
00:10:27,136 --> 00:10:28,737
dropping off the mail,
300
00:10:28,805 --> 00:10:31,140
sometimes I smoke a joint in the truck...
(laughs)
301
00:10:31,207 --> 00:10:33,275
...and then I take a shit in
somebody's really nice bathroom.
302
00:10:33,343 --> 00:10:35,878
By the way, Mrs. Phillips,
across the street from you?
303
00:10:35,946 --> 00:10:37,613
She's got a bidet.
304
00:10:37,681 --> 00:10:39,415
Water pressure?
305
00:10:39,483 --> 00:10:41,317
Strong.
Oh...
306
00:10:41,385 --> 00:10:42,852
JENNA:
Ryan.
307
00:10:44,888 --> 00:10:46,689
Oh. Hey.
308
00:10:46,756 --> 00:10:47,956
What are you guys doing here?
309
00:10:48,024 --> 00:10:50,058
I got your text.
310
00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:51,860
You said to meet you
here for lunch.
311
00:10:51,928 --> 00:10:53,496
Looks like you guys
started without us.
312
00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:55,331
Oh. Right.
313
00:10:55,399 --> 00:10:56,866
Although I wasn't
really sure what you meant
314
00:10:56,934 --> 00:10:59,502
when you said I should conceal
my dirty pillows.
315
00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:01,371
Am I missing some joke?
316
00:11:01,439 --> 00:11:04,074
Oh, I-I meant to
text that to my...
317
00:11:04,142 --> 00:11:05,008
sister.
318
00:11:06,111 --> 00:11:08,245
It's an inside joke.
319
00:11:08,312 --> 00:11:10,580
Bill, these are my neighbors,
Jenna and Drew.
320
00:11:10,648 --> 00:11:11,514
DREW:
Oh, yeah!
321
00:11:11,582 --> 00:11:12,982
You're the mail guy.
322
00:11:13,050 --> 00:11:15,251
We live at, uh,
2304 Webster Avenue.
323
00:11:15,319 --> 00:11:16,285
Yeah, sure.
324
00:11:16,353 --> 00:11:17,887
Right on.
325
00:11:17,954 --> 00:11:20,355
Hey, thanks for the
Christmas gift last year.
326
00:11:20,423 --> 00:11:23,892
Five dollar Starbucks gift
card-- very thoughtful.
327
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,494
Well, you do a good job,
and I figured
328
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:26,895
you could use the caffeine.
329
00:11:26,963 --> 00:11:29,332
Hey... so you're
still joining us
330
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,600
for dinner tonight, right?
331
00:11:30,668 --> 00:11:31,935
Um, yeah, yeah.
332
00:11:32,003 --> 00:11:33,603
Looking forward to it.
333
00:11:33,671 --> 00:11:36,506
I was thinking--
maybe I'll tell Ron and Peggy
334
00:11:36,574 --> 00:11:37,774
to come a different night.
335
00:11:37,841 --> 00:11:39,676
It might be better
if it's just us.
336
00:11:39,743 --> 00:11:43,246
You know, so we can talk.
337
00:11:43,314 --> 00:11:44,981
(laughs) You don't
have to do that.
338
00:11:45,049 --> 00:11:47,550
WOMAN: Okay, who ordered
the Knockers Shot?
339
00:11:48,586 --> 00:11:50,654
No, no, no, no, no, no.
340
00:11:50,721 --> 00:11:52,589
Right there, Ginny.
341
00:11:53,624 --> 00:11:54,891
Oh.
342
00:11:54,959 --> 00:11:55,959
Oh, yeah.
343
00:12:03,201 --> 00:12:05,503
It's good.
344
00:12:07,506 --> 00:12:10,074
Nice try, sending
your "missionaries" to save me.
345
00:12:10,142 --> 00:12:12,476
But it's not gonna work.
(shushes)
346
00:12:12,544 --> 00:12:13,444
I do.
347
00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:20,917
(groans)
348
00:12:26,257 --> 00:12:27,690
Congratulations.
349
00:12:27,758 --> 00:12:29,038
I hope you two
will be very happy
350
00:12:29,093 --> 00:12:30,893
now that you can
finally have sex.
351
00:12:30,961 --> 00:12:32,428
Thank you all for coming.
352
00:12:32,496 --> 00:12:34,563
As planned,
a reception will follow
353
00:12:34,631 --> 00:12:37,399
at the sour milk puddle
behind Baskin Robbins.
354
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:40,035
Sorry, Ryan, we're just trying
to keep the numbers down.
355
00:12:40,103 --> 00:12:42,204
It's really just family
and close friends.
356
00:12:42,272 --> 00:12:44,106
And a few people Bear's
dad used to work with.
357
00:12:44,174 --> 00:12:46,675
Besides, I knew you had
Jenna's thing tonight, so...
358
00:12:46,743 --> 00:12:48,711
I'm not going to Jenna's.
359
00:12:48,778 --> 00:12:50,412
Thanks to your little stunt,
360
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,349
she's turning the dinner
into a therapy session.
361
00:12:53,417 --> 00:12:54,917
Where's my weed?
362
00:12:54,985 --> 00:12:56,352
Your drugs?
363
00:12:56,420 --> 00:12:58,354
I flushed them down the toilet.
364
00:12:58,421 --> 00:12:59,989
Well, I placed them
in the toilet.
365
00:13:00,057 --> 00:13:02,225
I have no idea how to
operate the flush handle.
366
00:13:08,599 --> 00:13:11,100
Do you accept Jesus Christ
as your lord and savior?
367
00:13:11,168 --> 00:13:13,469
Do you promise to live every day
with him in your heart?
368
00:13:13,537 --> 00:13:14,637
Wilfred, stop!
369
00:13:14,705 --> 00:13:18,374
I hereby baptize you,
Ryan Newman,
370
00:13:18,442 --> 00:13:21,043
in the name of the Father
and the Son
371
00:13:21,111 --> 00:13:23,279
and the Holy Spirit!
372
00:13:23,347 --> 00:13:24,814
(grunts)
373
00:13:24,882 --> 00:13:26,315
(laughing)
374
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,221
Goddamn it, Wilfred!
375
00:13:31,289 --> 00:13:33,157
Name in vain, dude.
376
00:13:33,224 --> 00:13:34,264
You're insane.
Well, I hope
377
00:13:34,292 --> 00:13:35,492
I've helped you change your mind
378
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:36,627
about going to Jenna's tonight.
379
00:13:36,695 --> 00:13:38,129
I'm going to Bill's.
380
00:13:38,197 --> 00:13:39,965
To hang out with his
Satanist friends.
381
00:13:40,032 --> 00:13:41,733
Because unlike Jenna,
Bill doesn't dwell
382
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:43,401
on bullshit from the past.
383
00:13:43,469 --> 00:13:46,704
But like you, Ryan, Bill
can only stem the tides
384
00:13:46,772 --> 00:13:49,640
of his grief for so
long before he snaps!
385
00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:51,609
Snaps? Bill's not
the snapping type.
386
00:13:51,676 --> 00:13:53,110
And when it happens,
387
00:13:53,178 --> 00:13:54,812
I only hope he has
good friends around
388
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,714
to pick up the pieces.
389
00:13:59,351 --> 00:14:02,053
What a friend
390
00:14:02,121 --> 00:14:03,922
We have
391
00:14:03,989 --> 00:14:07,525
In Jesus.
392
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,652
Hey, Ryan--come on in, man.
Hey.
393
00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:15,120
Guys, this is Ryan.
394
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,222
Ryan, these are
a few work friends here.
395
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:18,757
We got Todd, Darren,
396
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,159
and the lovely Joanne.
397
00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:22,361
Oh, hey, man.
398
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:23,362
You didn't need to bring that.
399
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:24,796
We got it covered tonight.
400
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,432
Thanks to Joanne--
she brought over
401
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,635
a box of "confiscationables."
402
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,703
Yeah, you see, certain
items are illegal
403
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:33,271
to send through the mail.
404
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:35,240
The postal service
confiscates these things,
405
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,876
but there's no real system
in place to dispose of it all.
406
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,311
So it just kind of sits around
in a big room somewhere.
407
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:41,913
So, why let it go
to waste-- right, guys?
408
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:42,981
(laughs)
409
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,749
Sounds fun.
Yeah, man.
410
00:14:44,816 --> 00:14:46,216
Aw, check it out!
411
00:14:46,284 --> 00:14:48,585
Absinthe--
like, real absinthe
412
00:14:48,653 --> 00:14:50,387
from the Czech Republic.
413
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:51,354
Willkommen.
414
00:14:51,422 --> 00:14:52,422
(laughter)
415
00:14:52,490 --> 00:14:54,157
Fireworks!
416
00:14:54,225 --> 00:14:55,859
Oh, do you guys remember that
417
00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:57,294
Fourth of July?
I think it was in the Marina.
418
00:14:57,362 --> 00:14:58,429
Barry had, um...
419
00:15:00,098 --> 00:15:01,766
...those, um...
420
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,471
Hey, we got some
421
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,774
Crate and Barrel
silverware here.
422
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:12,010
Actually, I don't think
these are confiscationables.
423
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,078
Oh! What's that smell?
424
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,847
Ew-- who farted?
425
00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:20,953
Excuse me.
426
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:24,757
Wilfred,
what are you doing here?
427
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,525
I came here because
I was visited again.
428
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:29,295
This time by God himself.
429
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,197
Go home, Wilfred.
Ryan, listen to me.
430
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:33,299
I was in the basement,
consummating my marriage,
431
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:37,070
when I embarrassingly quick-came
and then heard a crash upstairs.
432
00:15:37,138 --> 00:15:40,073
I ran up, and there he was.
433
00:15:41,730 --> 00:15:43,998
He was beautiful, Ryan.
434
00:15:44,066 --> 00:15:45,867
Immaculate skin.
435
00:15:45,935 --> 00:15:47,369
Otherworldly
436
00:15:47,436 --> 00:15:49,437
gold teeth, cornrows.
437
00:15:49,505 --> 00:15:50,639
All cracked out.
438
00:15:50,706 --> 00:15:52,340
Wilfred, that was a burglar.
439
00:15:52,408 --> 00:15:54,409
It was God, Ryan.
440
00:15:54,476 --> 00:15:57,145
And as God was carrying
your flat-screen TV
441
00:15:57,212 --> 00:16:00,148
out the back door, he looked at
me as if to say, "Go, my son.
442
00:16:00,215 --> 00:16:02,650
"Smite these sinners.
443
00:16:02,718 --> 00:16:05,019
"Wipe this present-day
Sodom and Gomorrah
444
00:16:05,087 --> 00:16:07,121
off the face of the earth."
Bullshit.
445
00:16:07,188 --> 00:16:09,089
You don't like mailmen--
that's what this is all about.
446
00:16:09,157 --> 00:16:11,392
I hate sinners, Ryan.
447
00:16:11,459 --> 00:16:14,996
And we are in
the midst of sinners.
448
00:16:15,064 --> 00:16:16,598
Satanist...
449
00:16:16,666 --> 00:16:18,500
adulterer, glutton.
450
00:16:18,568 --> 00:16:22,605
Lead-singer-of-Smash-Mouth-
hand-job-giver.
451
00:16:22,673 --> 00:16:26,776
As God is my witness,
this all ends tonight!
452
00:16:26,844 --> 00:16:29,113
I say hear me now,
all ye sinners
453
00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:32,082
in the hands of an angry God!
454
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:35,252
Fire and brimstone
shall rain down upon you!
455
00:16:35,319 --> 00:16:36,787
Get that thing out of here!
456
00:16:36,854 --> 00:16:38,288
Ooh!
457
00:16:38,356 --> 00:16:40,924
Is this a candle sitting
on a low table?
458
00:16:40,992 --> 00:16:42,058
No, no, no!
459
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,527
Lord, use
my recklessly wagging tail
460
00:16:44,595 --> 00:16:47,130
as a vessel to do your bidding!
461
00:16:47,198 --> 00:16:49,265
JOANNE:
Shit, the fireworks!
462
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:50,834
(overlapping shouting)
463
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:54,170
Praise be to God!
464
00:16:56,106 --> 00:16:59,775
Oh, must've been a box of duds.
465
00:16:59,843 --> 00:17:01,544
Oh, thank God.
466
00:17:01,611 --> 00:17:03,746
But how is this possible?
467
00:17:03,813 --> 00:17:06,248
Why have you forsaken me, God?
468
00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:08,217
I give my life
469
00:17:08,285 --> 00:17:09,952
in service of you...
470
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:13,056
and you totally dick me over.
471
00:17:13,123 --> 00:17:15,058
BILL:
Hey, man, it's cool.
472
00:17:15,126 --> 00:17:16,593
The fireworks are outside.
473
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:17,927
Yeah, just...
474
00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:19,996
something about
the dog freaking out...
475
00:17:20,064 --> 00:17:22,832
it reminded me of Barry.
476
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:25,068
It's over now.
477
00:17:25,135 --> 00:17:27,203
Now, why bring the mood down
478
00:17:27,271 --> 00:17:29,940
by talking about Barry?
479
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:31,442
Hey, I got a great idea.
480
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,077
Let's break out that box
481
00:17:33,144 --> 00:17:35,479
of endangered tree frogs and get crazy...
No!
482
00:17:35,547 --> 00:17:38,549
It's about damn time
we talked about Barry.
483
00:17:38,617 --> 00:17:40,518
Barry was our friend.
484
00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:42,520
And I miss the shit out of him.
485
00:17:42,587 --> 00:17:45,756
It's not like talking about
Barry's gonna bring him back.
486
00:17:45,824 --> 00:17:47,091
Does it suck?
487
00:17:47,159 --> 00:17:48,959
Yeah, it sucks.
488
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:51,529
One minute he's walking around
delivering mail,
489
00:17:51,597 --> 00:17:54,231
and the next he's having
his carotid artery ripped open
490
00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:57,068
by a 120-pound pit bull!
491
00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:59,070
It's sad, man!
492
00:17:59,138 --> 00:18:00,571
It's sad as shit!
493
00:18:00,639 --> 00:18:02,840
You think I don't
think about that?
494
00:18:02,908 --> 00:18:06,010
I think about that
every goddamn day!
495
00:18:06,078 --> 00:18:07,612
Every day!
496
00:18:07,679 --> 00:18:09,513
(all clamoring in support)
497
00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:12,450
Bill could only stem the tides
of his grief for so long.
498
00:18:12,518 --> 00:18:14,586
He certainly can't turn
499
00:18:14,653 --> 00:18:16,654
to God for comfort.
500
00:18:16,722 --> 00:18:18,289
You were right, Ryan.
501
00:18:18,357 --> 00:18:19,958
God is a fake-ass,
little bitch.
502
00:18:20,025 --> 00:18:21,392
I never said that.
I'm just saying,
503
00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:23,828
fire and brimstone
never rained down the way
504
00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:25,931
God said it would,
so he's obviously...
505
00:18:25,998 --> 00:18:27,833
(fireworks exploding)
506
00:18:32,405 --> 00:18:34,239
(groaning)
507
00:18:34,612 --> 00:18:37,110
Ryan?
508
00:18:41,194 --> 00:18:43,190
Well, we missed you
last night at dinner.
509
00:18:43,310 --> 00:18:45,945
I'm sorry I didn't make it.
510
00:18:46,013 --> 00:18:48,681
I didn't come 'cause I...
511
00:18:50,818 --> 00:18:54,653
You know, I had this amazing
boyfriend in high school.
512
00:18:54,721 --> 00:18:59,090
He-he was handsome
and funny and smart and...
513
00:18:59,158 --> 00:19:01,092
But after a while
I started to feel like
514
00:19:01,159 --> 00:19:02,827
he was hiding
something from me.
515
00:19:02,894 --> 00:19:05,595
It turns out that he...
516
00:19:05,663 --> 00:19:08,598
he had a bad addiction.
517
00:19:08,665 --> 00:19:10,332
I broke up with him, but...
518
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,961
then I felt like I was
a terrible person
519
00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:13,968
for not sticking around
to help him get better.
520
00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:17,571
Was it my fault for missing
the warning signs?
521
00:19:17,639 --> 00:19:19,739
I mean, looking back,
it was no one's fault.
522
00:19:19,807 --> 00:19:22,508
We can't help who
we fall in love with.
523
00:19:22,576 --> 00:19:25,377
And we can't help everyone
we fall in love with.
524
00:19:27,646 --> 00:19:30,682
So was it, like,
a drug addiction?
525
00:19:30,749 --> 00:19:33,851
Actually, he had a,
um, shopping addiction.
526
00:19:33,919 --> 00:19:36,854
Which eventually became
a shoplifting addiction.
527
00:19:36,921 --> 00:19:39,623
Basically, he had
this obsession with shoes.
528
00:19:39,691 --> 00:19:41,758
Oh, so he was gay?
529
00:19:41,826 --> 00:19:43,893
No, I-I told you--
he was my boyfriend.
530
00:19:46,062 --> 00:19:49,798
Oh, my God...
(laughs)
531
00:19:49,866 --> 00:19:52,200
Oh, my God--
he was totally gay.
532
00:19:52,268 --> 00:19:53,768
(laughing) Oh, no.
533
00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:56,604
He used to always drag me
to the swim meets.
534
00:19:56,672 --> 00:19:58,306
And I thought he was just, like,
a really big fan of swimming.
535
00:19:58,373 --> 00:20:00,207
(laughing)
536
00:20:03,111 --> 00:20:04,778
Oh, my God.
537
00:20:04,845 --> 00:20:07,313
Well...
538
00:20:07,381 --> 00:20:10,316
So, dinner next weekend, okay?
539
00:20:10,384 --> 00:20:11,551
No excuses.
540
00:20:11,618 --> 00:20:12,518
You got it.
541
00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:18,024
They don't make 'em
like that anymore.
542
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,563
They sure don't.
543
00:20:20,906 --> 00:20:21,806
We're both talking
544
00:20:21,873 --> 00:20:23,043
about her sneakers, right?
545
00:20:23,111 --> 00:20:24,177
What?
546
00:20:24,245 --> 00:20:25,912
Vintage Tretorn tennis sneakers.
547
00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:27,681
They don't make 'em
like that anymore.
548
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:30,216
Yeah, totally.
549
00:20:39,058 --> 00:20:41,459
(groaning)
550
00:20:41,527 --> 00:20:42,994
Wow.
551
00:20:43,061 --> 00:20:44,628
You can actually hear that?
552
00:20:44,696 --> 00:20:46,930
Yes, Ryan, I can.
553
00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:51,400
(horn blows loudly) (yells)
554
00:20:51,468 --> 00:20:53,802
Oh, wow, so you can
actually hear that?
555
00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:55,986
Jesus, Wilfred, you
could damage my...
556
00:20:57,406 --> 00:21:08,199
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
557
00:21:08,249 --> 00:21:12,799
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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