All language subtitles for Til Death s04e16 nant.eng

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Mom, dad,

Doug and I wrote
a song for you.

And it's
a good one.

Okay, well, we love
your songs, honey.

Yes, we do.
Come on, let's hear it.

5, 6, 7, 8

♪ we'll never have a swimming pool ♪

♪ we'll never have
a car that's cool ♪

♪ we'll never have a private jet ♪

♪ we'll never have
a tv set ♪

♪ I'll never do the business thing ♪

♪ I'll never have
a diamond ring ♪

♪ we'll never have
a horse to mount ♪

♪ we'll never have
a bank account ♪

♪ but we do have
each other ♪

♪ you guys
are great ♪

♪ dad and mother,
my period is late ♪

♪ so ♪

♪ here's
a big surprise ♪

♪ it's gonna make
your day ♪

♪ Doug and Allie have
a baby on the ♪

♪ baby on the ♪

♪ baby on the way ♪

I'm pregnant.

And I helped.

Well?

What... You're
pregant, really?

Really.

Really?
Oh, yeah!

This is
exciting news.

Really?
Really! Give me a hug.

Oh, baby!

We should have seen
this coming, Doug.

Can't even pull your
winnebago out of the driveway.

This is...this is
so exciting.

Baby! And, Doug,
come here, you.

Are you happy, daddy?

Of course, I am, baby.

"Mazel tov."

Yes, we can.

There's so much to do.

And so much to get.

Oh, thank God we're rich!

Oh, we don't
need much, daddy.

So, tell me.
When are you due?

Oh, we don't like to
use the word "due."

You know?

Homework is due,

Rent is due,
bills are due.

We prefer to say,

"When are you
miraclizing?"

Oh, you're right
about one thing, Doug.

You don't anything.

Ok. When are you miraclizing?

Well, we're not really sure
until we see the doctor,

but I think it's
pretty safe to say

that in about
7,5 months

you guys are gonna
be grandparents.

Well, this is
wonderful news.

Isn't it, babe?

Oh, it sure is.

Grandma.

We're gonna have
to update that a bit.

Uh, "g" mama.

It's hip, it...
it's today,

It's really
much more me.

Fo' shizzle.

Well, all right,
"g" mama.

We're gonna go
into the garage

And find my old baby stuff.

Ok, good.

Wow, indeed.

I know that 7 months
seems like a long time,

But it is
really not.

I mean, we have
to get ready,

'cause this is... this is
gonna happen really fast.

Do you think that she
should have a water birth?

Have you heard
about those?

It's supposed
to be peaceful

For the mama
and the baby,

And what you do is,

You put a gigantic,
big birthing tub

Right here
in the living room,

And then,
everybody gets in.

You heard me.
Everybody.

We'll put candles
everywhere,

And... my God, this
house is not childproof.

We can't have a baby
in this house.

These stairs, they're an
accident waiting to happen.

We have to put a gate at
the bottom of the stairs.

And I'm also thinking
maybe we should put one

At the top
of the stairs, too,

And, jeez, these... do you think
that these are too far apart?

Because, I think that...that
a baby could probably

Most likely...yeah, a baby could
fit their head right through here.

Unless, of course,
the baby had your head,

Which would be
really weird,

'cause it would be
a little tiny baby

With a big, big head.

It would probably
have to wear a helmet,

'cause it would be
so top-heavy.

Oh, speaking
of top-heavy,

Breastfeeding.

I mean, these days,

They have these things
called lactation consultants.

We could call
one of those,

Because nipples don't
just turn on and off

Like a faucet.

And the doors.

The doors are
very unsafe.

I mean, they...we're
gonna have to take

All the locks and move
them all the way up top.

Everything's gonna have
to come up, up, up.

'cause this is
not to code.

'cause there's
a code for kids.

There's a kids code.

Lamaze class.
I'm gonna sign them up.

Maybi'll even
go with them.

But, you know what?

I could probably teach
her how to breathe

Because lamaze is
just a version

Of the kundalini
breath of fire.

Oh, my God! I haven't
done that in a long time.

Whoa, I'm dizzy.

Breast pump.
Breast pump.

We're gonna
have to do that

because, you know, when
I was breastfeeding,

that was a long time ago,

they had these
breast pumps

that were
heavy and archaic

and that's why I sit
like the letter "c,"

'cause it was just... it
caves your back right in,

and they've done
amazing things with the br...

And nursing bras?

Of course.

The... did you know that
if you put a cabbage leaf

into your bra, it keeps
you from becoming engorged

and keeps the nipples
from chafing.

Did you know that?

No.

Yeah. You know, this is...
this is gonna be so exciting.

I mean, a baby's
on the way!

And I know that you
would have thought

That I would be
uncomfortable with the fact

that I'm gonna be
a grandmother.

I would have
thought that too,

but no, I'm not.

This is... Oh...
This is fantastic.

And you know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna...I'm gonna put
on a couple of pounds

Because babies like
soft, pillowy things

and I want
to be the one

that the baby
wants to be on.

So, how is "whats her
name" taking all this?

Joy.
Whatever.

Well, she's... she's
acting strangely, actually.

How so? Is she upset about the
prospect of being a grandmother?

No, just the opposite.

She's happy
all the time.

She's constantly eating

And won't stop talking.

Always eating
and can't stop talking.

Oprah made a career
out of that.

No, but seriously,
that is strange.

No, that's
not strange at all.

How do you
know that?

In india, I was
a clinical psychologist

Specializing in overeaters.

Which, in India, is
not much of a problem.

But it sounds to me

as if she is masking a
feeling of great depression

with manic
behavior and food.

She is literally
stuffing her emotions.

Really?
Yes.

And there are 3
possible outcomes.

She'll crash and fall
into a deep depression,

Which will be
no good,

She'll get as
big as a house,

Which is also
no good,

Unless she slips
on icy pavement,

Which is
always funny.

Or someone close to
her will take her hand

And lead her away
from the abyss.

I could do that.
Not you.

You are the one who got her pregnant.

She had a baby, now
her baby's grown up

And is having a baby

And it's all
your fault.

She needs to talk to
someone she can relate to.

He's right.

Why don't you
call her mother?

Yes, that racist bitch might
be helpful in this situation.

No, I don't know
about that.

Joy and her mom, they
don't see eye to eye.

I don't know
how that can help.

Oh, simple.

You see, your wife is
hiding her true feelings

And there is 1 person in this
world you cannot hide from.

Your mother.

Well, you can
if you grow a beard

And change your name
to "whitey."

Wow, my old crib.

I remember
hanging out in here.

Yeah...
it's great.

But we're not actually
gonna use it, are we?

Why not? It's cute.

Yeah, but it represents
the past, Allie.

Our baby is
the future.

Just think.

He might...
or she.

Or she might one day
lead humanity

Out of the global apocalypse
that we know is coming.

So, I mean, are we
really gonna put him in...

Or her.

Ok. Or...or her

In this rickety old crib

With a used mattress?

You're right.

Our baby
deserves to sleep

On an orthopedic
mattress filled with down,

Staring up at a mobile of the universe.

Yeah! Yeah, which he...
or she...may rule one day

With his...or her...
almighty power.

Yeah.

Hey, Doug!

You think we're getting a
little carried away here?

No way, Allie.

Our baby is gonna be
the best baby

That's ever been born.

You're right.

Which means we've gotta
be the best parents ever.

Already on it.

Did you know that I stopped smoking pot?

Oh, Doug,
that's great!

Since when?

In 15 minutes,

It'll be 16 minutes.

Well.

I got it, honey.

I'm here.

Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.

Where's my little
nana-to-be?

Oh, she's probably in the
kitchen basting a turkey.

Hey, what's all this?

What are you trying to do?

Trap kirstie alley?

This is what I'm saying.

She's been
baking compulsively

And she's
like this crazy happy.

Oh. That's
not a good sign.

Only the swiss are
naturally happy.

That's because there are
only white people there.

Oh, my God!
I love baking.

There she is.

My little nana.

Come over here.

Oh, I am so glad
to see you.

You heard
about the baby?

I did.

God, I have so many
questions to ask you

Because I...
I don't wanna make

The same mistakes
that you made.

Or the same mistakes that
I made, for that matter.

This baby is gonna be raised new school.

Hey, what kind of music
did you listen to

when you were
pregnant with me?

With Allie, it was
eighties all the time.

Eighties, eighties.

The job of the
grandmother

is so important,
too, you know?

I mean, the mother's
job is to say "no,"

And the grandmother's
job is to say "yes."

You know, I was
telling Eddie earlier

that if you put a
cabbage leaf into your bra,

it keeps your
nipples from chafing.

Did you know that?

No.
Yeah.

It's true.
It's true.

Yeah.
It's true.

And if you put a corned
beef in your pocket,

You're the most popular girl at school

On st. Patrick's day.

I'm gonna be
a funny grandma.

You gotta help me.

Everything looks
great, Allie,

assuming you're into
that kind of thing.

Personally, I find the
whole reproductive process

a little nauseating.

So, why are you
an obstetrician?

Eh, there's not that many
opening for a proctologist.

As a matter of fact,
there's only one.

Come on,
give a little.

One?

All right. So, you
wanna talk about the kid?

Or you want me to do
another 5 minutes of shtick?

I got an airplane
bit that kills.

Kills.

No, no, I think
we should...

We should talk
about the baby.

Eh, suit yourself.
What do you wanna know?

Uh, what should we be doing?

Well, first of all, I would go out
and earn as much money as I can.

These kids cost
a fortune.

I'm telling you.

What about me?

You? I would lighten up
on the cigarettes,

Stay away
from hard liquor,

Stick to beer
and wine for now.

I'm kidding. Hello?

Listen, kids, I've been
delivering babies for 40 years.

I know what I'm doing.

Stay out of
mother nature's way.

Let the process evolve.

Look, here's
this pamphlet I've got.

It's called, "baby,
you're the greatest."

Read that.

This says,
"life without a prostate."

Oh, give me that.
That's mine.

I was looking for that.

Here it is.

Well, what about exercise?

Personally, I
don't believe in it.

Hey, you could
exercise 24/7

and you're still
gonna end up dying

a miserable,
horrle death.

My friend here,

Marathon runner.

I think she meant
should she be exerci.

Oh, I see
what you're saying.

Can you still do it?
Hey, go crazy.

It ain't like you're
gonna knock her up.

Nothing. I get nothing from you two.

Listen, we'd also like to
have a natural childbirth.

"We?"

And how many people are you
gonna fire out of your ass?

No, it's just that we don't
really believe in using drugs.

This guy doesn't
believe in drugs?

Look at this guy.

He looks like he was thrown
out of a grateful dead concert

For being too high.

Well, I...see, sir,

I recently gave up
smoking dope.

Oh, really?
How long ago?

Earlier today.

Well, I'm
very proud of you.

Look, why don't you
go stare at the drapes

While I gotta
talk to Allie.

Allie, do you realize what's
gonna happen to you?

Let me...let me paint
a picture for you.

You know
when the bowling ball

Comes back through
that return chute?

This time, you're
the chute.

But the difference is,

The ball is gonna be
screaming and so are you.

And you know what you're
gonna be screaming?

"Give me some drugs!

"I hate my life!"

See you in a month.

Let me know if you
have any bleeding.

Thank you.
Thank... Thank you.

I'm thrilled
you're so excited

About becoming
a grandmother.

When I found out I was
gonna be a grandmother,

I actually had to be
institutionalized.

I thought you went
to the bahamas?

The hospital's
in the bahamas.

All the iv drips come
with little umbrellas.

I mean the whole
thing is fantastic.

I can't wait.

I love your attitude.

Joy, listen.

This is
just you and me now.

Ok, honey?

So, we can talk
like you and me.

Isn't there something you
want to get off your chest?

What would make
you say that?

Well, the thing
that bugged me

when I knew I was gonna
be a grandmother

was once they slap
that label on you,

there's no coming back.

I mean, it's like
being a gay man.

Once you cross the line,

Once you stick your...

I got it!

It doesn't
bother me, mom.

That's good.
That's good.

And you know
what the best thing is

About becoming
a grandmother?

Now you can relax

And you can
let yourself go.

That's just what I
was telling Eddie.

So what if I put on
a few pounds, right?

Yeah, so what if you
put on a few pounds?

You get the wings, you get
the gobble, gobble, gobble.

You get the side bazooms
under your pits.

and one day,

you look in the mirror

and you realize
you're me.

What?

I don't want to be
a grandmother!

Oh, no!
Oh, Joy!

Come to mama.
Come to mama.

Oh, sweetheart,
I missed you.

Where have you been?

Oh, my baby!

Oh, my ba...
what are you doing?

I'm scared to death, mom. I know.

I'm not
a grandmother.

I know you're not.
Look at me!

You look beautiful.

I mean, I'm hot.
Yes, you are.

You are hot.

No, I'm hot.
I need air.

I'm.

We all go through that
and then it goes.

It's over.

You mean,
it's gonna get better?

Yes, it's gonna
get better.

I promise you.

It's not gonna bother me

That I'm gonna be
a grandmother?

No, honey, it's not
gonna bother you to...

Just like
it doesn't bother you

That you're gonna be
a great-grandmother.

What did you
call me?

A great-grandmother.

That's what
you're gonna be.

I'm gonna be a
great grandmother?

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Mom, no! No!

Step away from there!
Put it down!

No!
Mom, put it down!

Put it down.
No, no, no.

No, no.

It's ok, it's ok.
No, no.

It's not ok.

Hey, guys.
Hey!

It's her fault!
I didn't do it.

What did I do?

You turned me into
a great-grandmother,

You little slut!

Well, I don't know what
you're so angry about.

I'm just gonna be a
mother like you guys.

No, no, no.

There's a big difference

between being a mother
and being a grandmher.

because being a mother implies
that you're young and fresh

and fertile.

And being a grandmother means
you're a dried up old hag.

And being
a great-grandmother

just means you wish you
were just a dried up old hag.

Oh, God!

What are you
crying about?

I'm crying because
none of you were happy

that I was born.

And now, you're not
happy that I'm pregnant.

No.
Hey, ladies!

Get out!

Hey, it's gonna be ok.

All right, babe?

No matter what, I'll
always be here for you.

I will never leave, ok?

Get out, Doug!

What do
you want?

We came to apologize.

Which is something that
does not come naturally,

By the way.

We were wrong.

That's right.

I mean, I wasn't
as wrong as your mother,

But I do take some
small share of the blame.

What the hell?
Oh!

Listen.

Baby, you gotta
understand.

We were freaking out.

I mean, this pregnancy

Is obviously
a big deal for you,

But you gotta
understand.

It's a big deal
for us, too.

I mean, one little roll
in the hay

And you're making me
a grandmother.

And I'm gonna be
a great-grandmother.

How did you
make this happen?

Well, we didn't
plan on it,

But those eco-friendly
frog-belly condoms we were using

Weren't as effective
as we thought.

Even though they were
ribbited for my pleasure.

Frog condoms?

You can't trust the french
with anything.

Well,

I'm gonna need
the two of you.

When it comes to this motherhood stuff,

You're the only
role models I have.

Well, we apologize
in advance for that.

All right. What's
worrying you, babe?

Well, everything.

I've never
done this before.

I have this little alien
growing inside of me

And I'm gonna have boobs
for the first time.

Oh, those,
you're gonna love.

Right?
You are.

You'll never lose a
popcorn kernel again.

Last night,
I took my bra off.

I found a peanut butter
cookie and my keys.

It's like having a
second purse. It is!

Well, ok, but then,
there's gonna be this baby

And it won't
be able to talk,

So, how will I know
what to do with it?

Oh, God! Believe me,
I hear you.

It's very scary.
It is.

When you were born,

The biggest concern
that I had

Was putting my finger
through your soft spot.

Hell, I actually did put
my finger through hers.

What?!

It's a joke.
Ok.

No, it's not.

I just feel
very alone.

No, baby!

Allie, you're not alone.

No, you're not.

We are here.

And we're not
going anywhere, ok?

It takes a village
to raise a child.

Or a great
guatamalan nanny.

Mother!

Ok, look.

I appreciate that,

and I know that you're having
your own little pretend dramas,

for now, it's gotta
be about me, me, me.

Ok, ok. It's
about you. Ok.

You're right.
You're right.

You're right,
you're right.

Come here.
I love you.

Kiss and love
this mother.

I want a piece of that.
This kid.

This kid, I
could squeeze it

And hold it and
love it forever.

I love it. I love her,
I love y.

♪ it's gonna be
another baby ♪

Hi.

Oh, my gosh!
You're not eating.

Well, either
pizza hut cut you off

Or you're feeling better.

I'm feeling
better.

Thanks for being
so patient with me.

Hey, it's my pleasure.

And I never thought that
I would say this ever,

But, uh, thanks
for calling my mom.

Hey, look. She may hate
every race on the planet,

But she sure
loves you.

Oh, that she does.

And you know what?

I'm kinda
looking forward

To having a little
grandbaby around the house,

Even if it's
half Doug's.

Oh, don't you love when they
scrunch their little faces up.

They look like little old men. Yeah.

Even the girls.

Oh, and the toes.

The toes, they're like
little popcorn kernels.

You just wanna

Yeah, saute 'em
and just munch on 'em.

Well, I have
to tell you,

You are going to be
a wonderful...

Go ahead. Say it.

Grandma.

You're gonna be the
best bubby ever, baby.

Thank you.

And I'm looking forward
to being a grandpa.

Really. Why?

Well, because my whole
life, I've been grumpy.

Ever since
I was a kid.

But now, I feel
like that I'm

Actually coming
into my personality.

You know? I mean,

When you're a grandpa,
you're not considered grumpy,

But more
like colorful.

I may even buy a funny hat
or fart inappropriately.

Oh, the kid's
gonna love that, huh?

You scared?

Terrified.

I'm proud of you,
"g" mama.

I'm proud of you,
"g" diddy.

You know,
little gupta is right.

Why are you laughing?
That's my nickname.

I love that you're
paying attention.

Gup... Gupta the
garbage boy is right.

Yes?
Yes.

No, too funny.

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