Original subtitles

I'm leavin' on a jet plane

I don't know when I'll be back again

oh, babe

[sighs]

You know I hate to go

Johnny Unitas, you're never gonna get that much

for that thing.

I'm leaving on a jet plane

[sighs]

You're insulting me to my face, but I don't even care.

How could I care about anything but those dimples?

Much better.

You know I hate to go

So, your brother turned out to be a real [Bleep]

Who could have seen that coming?

Um, I believe I saw that coming.

He arrived, and I believe I said,

and I quote, "he's a real [Bleep]"

You all need to lose weight.

He's got that Jaime Lannister "Game of Thrones" thing

happening, am I right?

- Is that the dwarf? - No.

Hot blond one with the dragon?

- Can we move on? - Sorry.

[Sighs deeply]

I can't believe we're going home.

Do we have to?

Husband, let's go over the facts again

to make sure that we're doing the right thing.

Plus, it's smart to catch up those two Tim Allen fans

who accidentally tuned in.

Of course.

We're barely on speaking terms with the Weavers.

The community turned against me in favor of my brother,

who convinced our 10-year-old genius

to move to Boston so he can attend Harvard,

and then gave our teenage son a pill

to enable him to turn human.

Where is it?! Where's my pill?!

I know you hid it, father.

I did.

I will not allow my son to alter his genetic makeup

and become human just for a teenage crush.

Amber is not just a teenage crush!

She's the love of my life!

[Sighs] - Goodness, Reggie Jackson.

Stop talking like you're in a Kate Hudson film.

Yes, and if you insist on it,

at least start using "Fool's Gold" dialogue.

Oh! My God!

- What? - Aah!

Oh, it's all right.

I was just... Under a little bit of stress.

[Inhales deeply]

- Ooh. My left arm is tingling. - [Gasps]

My goodness, do you think that you...

No, no, no, no, I'm... I'm fine.

I am staying with Amber!

Dick: And I am going to Harvard!

Do you know how rare it is

for someone my age to get into college?

Here's the roster, alphabetically...

Butkus, Dick; Howser, Doogie.

That's it! So get on board!

The only thing we are getting on board is our spaceship.

[Door opens, closes] Pack up those boxes. We leave in eight hours.

Hey, have you guys seen Max and Abby?

Oh, so now you're talking to us?

Oh, Jackie, not now.

They're not in their rooms, they're not anywhere,

and they left a note...

"Ran away to outer space. We'll try to Skype around 8:00."

Dick, where are your friends?

I'll never tell you! You can waterboard me, for all I care!

Dick. They're in that box.

Debbie: Guys.

I mean, we had to try.

They're going to outer space!

It does sound like kind of fun.

We could go for a long weekend.

Nah, I got a thing Monday.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

And don't you go anywhere near that spaceship!

God!

I'm gonna miss saying things like that.

I can't believe the Bird-Kersees are leaving.

We had one little fight. So what?

We're best friends.

What are you doing?

Got something you want to say to me about this, Deb?

Why are you holding a used pregnancy test?

Ugh! Marty, wash your hands.

How could it happen, Deb? I don't understand.

We've been so careful. We've been infrequent.

We've been aggressively infrequent and...

Wait. Wait. You don't think...

Marty, I'm not pregnant.

Deb, I found this in our bathroom, okay?

So if you're not pregnant, then who...

[Exhales sharply]

My father can't do this.

I mean, if I want to become human,

I should be allowed to become human.

All right, let's slow down.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to think about everything.

You said you loved me, Amber. No backsies.

There's no backsies on "I love you."

No, no, no, no, no.

Reggie, I do love you,

and I'm very excited about you becoming human.

It's a game changer. Total game changer.

I just think maybe you haven't thought this through.

I mean, before, you were a Zabvronian, you know?

And now... you're just gonna be another Asian guy.

No, I'm going to work really hard

and excel at math and violin to distinguish myself.

Oh, my God! I'm not just going to be human!

I'm going to be Asian!

[Gasps]

Does this mean I can't karaoke anymore?

It's a little on the nose.

And, plus, you don't even know where the pill is.

Ah, but I have a plan.

Dick. [Snaps fingers]

You wanted to see me, brother?

As the youngest Zabvronian,

Dick was born with a heightened sense of smell.

You follow?

No, but this is the kind of stuff I'm gonna miss.

Dick, the pill was last inside this box.

Actually, I'm pretty busy applying for Harvard, so...

Ooh! [Sniffing]

Got it.

He'll find it. He's like a Ginger Lojack.

Honey, we need to prioritize what we're taking home.

We don't have enough room.

Oh, but we have to take the toothpick statue

you made of Marty Weaver when we first met them.

And the critics thought we wouldn't ever last.

Hmm.

Ohh! Look!

It's the animated gingerbread man I used

to terrorize the PTA lady

when she wouldn't listen to Debbie Weaver.

[High-pitched] Hey, guys!

I'm surprised you didn't bust me out for the holidays.

[Chuckling] Ohh! He's so creepy.

- I know. - Can't leave without this guy.

- Mm. - No! Get off me!

No! Leave me alone! Not back in the box!

Aah! [Muffled] I hate the box.

And look!

It's the puppet that Dick Butkus made

of Marty Weaver for his first Halloween-ween.

[As Marty] Hey, Deb! Deb! Fantasy football!

Deb! Deb!

[Both laugh]

Ohh.

We're never going to see the Weavers again, are we?

With the time change,

they'll be dead by the time we back to Zabvron.

[Sighs] I don't want to go, husband.

I don't, either.

But I lost the community.

And our children are abandoning us one by one.

But, Larry Bird... you don't understand the complexity of the situation.

You're not dealing with what I'm dealing with.

Of all the times to not have my best friend to talk to.

I wonder what she's doing right now.

Max wouldn't just pee on that thing for fun, would he?

He might, but it wouldn't be positive.

Hey. What's up?

- Are you pregnant? - Are you pregnant?

Oh, my God. Yes. So pregnant.

Amber, answer your father.

Father, I'm not pregnant.

I know this because the furthest I've ever gone with a guy...

Stop answering your father. Stop now.

- All right, go to your room. All right. - I'll see you at dinner.

Don't forget... make it hearty. I'm eating for two now.

Go away, please.

Aww. Your grandson kicked.

She's a terrible person. Terrible person.

So, wait a minute. Who is pregnant?

This is what Dick was wearing when he said his first words.

"I can change myself, woman. Hands off the merchandise."

[Gasps] So many memories.

Are you absolutely positive that we have to leave?

Do you want Reggie to become just another puny human

destined for mortality?

And what about Dick?

Do you want him to become just another spoiled Harvard grad

destined for the "Simpsons" writers' room?

I do.

Me too. His spec script was so good.

- Ohh. - Oh!

- Husband? - No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Whew. At least my left arm is completely numb now.

Oh.

[Inhales sharply] Oh!

If you'll excuse me... Aah!

I'm just gonna take a nap on the floor of the bathroom.

Okay.

[Inhales deeply]

You're fine, Larry.

Just keep it together till you get home.

Just eight more hours and a couple of light-years.

Someone's in here!

[Sniffing]

Wait a second.

[Sniffing]

Dick.

Don't freak out.

[Sniffs deeply]

Does this mean...?

You're the only one who knows, Dick.

Daddy's pregnant.

Oh, Dick.

What am I going to do?

I personally think this is very exciting news.

You're going to be a great father.

Third time's a charm, right?

Thanks, Dick. That hurts and helps all at once.

I can't tell your mother yet.

She wanted to have a baby here so badly.

And the truth is, I did, too.

But no Zabvronian has ever given birth in a human form.

I mean, how do I know my baby would be safe?

How do I hide my back bump from the humans?

What hole would it come out of?

Father, who are you more worried about...

The baby or yourself?

Oh, definitely myself.

I haven't gotten very attached to the baby yet.

Sounds to me like you've gotten attached

to a great deal of things around here.

What a wit on him.

[Door closes]

What a shame he'll never get to run the Harvard lampoon.

Oh. Hello.

Hi, Jackie.

I know we're not speaking, but we really need to talk.

Oh, I'm so happy to hear you say that, Debbie Weaver,

because you're my best friend.

Jackie, we found this in our bathroom.

Oh, it's beautiful! What is it? Can I hold it?

No, Jackie, it's a pregnancy test.

You pee on it, and it tells you if you're pregnant.

What does it tell you if you poop on it? The weather?

Ha! Up high!

Actually, no. Don't touch me.

[Gasps] Wait a second. Debbie Weaver, are you...

No, no, no, Jackie. It's not from anyone in our family.

And when I think of things that aren't in our family

but are always in our house, I think of you guys.

[Laughs] Don't be ridiculous.

You know that the men in our species carry the babies.

And if Larry Bird were pregnant, he'd be exhibiting symptoms.

He'd be moody...

Give my son the remote!!

Depressed...

I'm hideous.

If I get any more bloated...

"Something, something, Rush Limbaugh."

He'd be having symptoms akin to your... heart attacks.

I think someone must have left a hole in my cat bag.

The cat's out... of... the bag.

The cat bag.

Anyways...

Meow.

- I'm pregnant. - [Gasps]

Yes, you heard correctly, my darling, my love.

I have a little baby bird nestling in my back.

We're having a baby! Ohh!

Oh, my God! [Laughs]

We're gonna have a baby!

I mean, no jumping! No jumping!

Whoa. Ho. Wait. One... one s...

What was the pregnancy test doing in our bathroom?

Well, I'm not gonna pee on my floor.

We're having a baby! Why am I still holding this?

Oh, Marty! We can give them Abby's bassinet!

We can give them Abby for all I care!

No one in our house is pregnant! This is the best day ever!

[Sighs] - We have to go, don't we?

Now I see why you were so insistent.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't think for a second

I'm gonna let you guys leave now.

Oh, you don't understand, Debbie Weaver.

Well, how is Larry Bird going to hide

his adorable baby back bump?

What hole will it even come out of?

Or will it make its own hole?

Ugh!

It's not just the baby.

Everything is out of control.

Jackie: Ohh.

- You. - Unh-unh.

- Me? - Y... you. You.

Definitely you.

[Stomps feet]

Larry!

You're always saying, you know,

"I'm the supreme leader of this,"

"I'm the supreme leader of that."

You know... lead!

[Theme from "Bridge over the river Kwai" plays] There'll always be

other Harvards and genetic-altering pills

and... scary male pregnancies

and DJ Jazzy Jeffs...

[Music distorts, slows] The things that have come

out of my mouth this season...

Baby, stay on point. Stay on point.

Yeah.

[Music normalizes] Larry...

Going back to Zabvron isn't fixing your problems, okay?

It's running away from them.

You are a supreme leader.

If you lead, they will follow.

I know we would.

'Cause that's what friends are for?

No.

No, because that's what family is.

Get over here.

You know, that's the first time we have hugged!

Yes, I know. And I-I didn't like it.

And if you don't do that again,

I shall go out and try and win back my community.

[Squeals]

Never feels good helping him.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, hey.

I figured my father maybe hid the pill in my room

because he knew it'd be the last place I'd look.

Reggie, I need you to hear me right now.

I want you to see what it means to really be human.

What's that?

It's a book. It's called "Everyone poops."

And it's...

Accurate. Everyone poops.

If you become human, you will, too. It's not great.

Amber...

Photographs of Asian men with male pattern baldness.

Your hair is not human. It's going to become human.

Can you handle knowing that?

Amber, I love you...

This is a bloomin' onion.

It's 2,200 calories.

You will want to eat it.

You will eat it.

It will make you nauseous.

Amber...

And, eventually, after you eat enough of them

and do a million other bad things to your body,

you will die.

You will be old and bald and weak

and then... dead.

And I need you to hear that... Really hear that...

Because I don't know if I'm ready

for you to take all that on just for me.

I love you, Reggie.

I might even love you too much to let you do this.

Remember, everyone... Just the bare necessities.

[Sighs]

Kevin, aren't you excited?

[Grunts] - You're gonna be back to your old self again.

And no one's gonna remember the joke we played

when we said we were all coming as alpacas.

[Grunts]

Stop taunting Kevin, brother.

This has gone far enough.

Remember, you're like my Michelle Obama.

Despite my dip, your ratings remain high

because of your aspirational arms.

If this all goes wrong, jump in

and talk about child obesity or something.

Brother, your time here has...

That's right!

You tell him, Lar!

Sorry.

We got... we jumped the gun just a little bit.

Community!

We were happy before he arrived, were we not?

"Happy's" a strong word.

Well, we were fond of this place...

Of their iPhones and their Adam sandler comedies.

- "Spanglish." - "Spanglish." - "Spanglish."

And their Starbucks.

Actually, we've got a Starbucks on Zabvron now.

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! - Oooh!

Kareem: I was about to throw out my gift card!

Let's get out of here!

[Clears throat]

[American voice] Our children are too fat.

The children are very fat.

She really does have great arms, doesn't she?

My fellow Zabvronians,

I have made some mistakes since I've been here.

But the one mistake I won't make

is leaving this planet and leaving our friends

before our mission is over

just because what we face is uncertain and a bit scary.

[Grunts]

This isn't a command, but a request...

stay with me.

Continue our exploration of earth,

continue growing our relationship with the weavers.

For if we stand strong together,

there's nothing that can break us apart!

[Exhales deeply]

And if that's not reason enough to stand with me...

I'm having a baby!

Aah! [Laughs] - I'm having a baby!

- Go, Larry! Ah! Yeah! - I'm having a baby!

I'm having a baby!

I'm... having...

How will he hide his back bump?

What hole will it even come out of?

I think we should call this. The ship is sinking.

DJ Jazzy Jeff: All right, I'm gonna go ahead

and call pre-boarding for all Zabvronians

with elite status.

Ah... Oh. No, wait.

That's... - [Chuckling] That's only me.

Suck it, coach trash.

[Grunts]

[Indistinct conversations]

And remember...

Calisthenics are good for both mind and body.

Screw it. [Clears throat]

Well, that's not good.

Kareem, you'd really leave me

after everything we've been through?

I mean, they have a Starbucks now, so...

But...

[Exhales sharply]

[Sighs]

There was a month where I wanted you.

Mm...

Mary Lou Retton!

Me too.

Mm...

Surely, not you, too, Johnny U?

It's just... I already made all the shirts.

Father wants a word.

[Beep] - Hi, daddy.

Your brother tells me you're with child?

Mm, I am.

And you're going to stay there?

What hole will the baby even come out of?

Everyone, stop talking about the hole!

God!

Son, we will likely never speak again.

You are a total embarrassment

and an abject failure.

But despite that...

[Tablet chimes]

Oh, crap. I have another call.

Bye.

Last chance.

[Sighs]

All right.

Goodbye forever.

[John Denver's "Leaving on a jet plane" plays]

[Engines roaring]

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

don't know when I'll be back again

oh, babe, I hate to go

[leaves rustling]

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

don't know when I'll be back again

oh, babe, I hate to go

[sighs]

I don't know what to do now.

I just don't know what's next.

Dick, if you want Harvard, you should go to Harvard.

I won't stop you.

Reggie...

If you want to be human, I won't stop you, either.

I'm all out of answers.

Enough.

But I... - I said "enough."

Larry Bird, I have never doubted you

on this mission... Not once.

You said "name yourself Jackie Joyner-Kersee."

You'll fit right in."

I did it.

"New Jersey is the garden state," you said.

"It will be beautiful." I listened.

It's a great pep talk, but do you have a point?

My point, husband,

is that you are wrong a great deal of the time.

But if there's one thing I can count on,

it's that you will be confident and doubtless

even when you are completely clueless.

It's what I love most about you, Larry Bird.

Well, that's kind of depressing, isn't it?

- Shh! - Shh! - Shh! - Shh!

We were surrounded by our brethren for a decade.

There was safety in that, but... we're all alone now.

Not entirely.

Hey, you won't be getting rid of us any time soon.

Uh-huh. The Weavers aren't going anywhere.

Got nowhere to go.

We couldn't move if we wanted to. Couldn't afford it.

Adjustable interest rates!

Look like we're gonna be stuck in our townhome

till the day we die.

[Chuckling] Okay, okay. Well, you guys... get it.

You know what? Screw Harvard.

Zuckerberg didn't need them. Neither does the Butkus.

I stand with you, father.

[The Fray's "Love don't die" plays]

I would go bald and poop for you, Amber, in a heartbeat.

But there's only four of us left on this entire planet,

and we can't afford to lose any more Zabvronians.

Not today.

So... I won't lie to you.

I don't know what things are going to look like this time next year,

but I know we're going to make it.

I can't see the path yet, but it's there.

- Wednesdays? - You never know.

I've heard whispers about ABC Family?

- Oh, screw that. - Ooh!

Every step along the way, they've counted us out.

No one thought we would last this long,

and we did.

And so help me, we'll do it again.

Love don't die

no matter where we go

we can rebuild this community.

We just need to stick together!

There's nothing coming that we can't handle

on this or any other planet.

Love don't die

Here come the humans.

Well, here we are.

[Sighs]

Honey, I was worried I was gonna have buyer's remorse,

but I love it more every time I see it.

Well, it's all yours, baby.

Oh. I wonder - what the neighbors are like.

Oh, please make them normal.

Oh, crap.

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