Original subtitles

Aah. Blueberry.

- Thanks. - Yep.

[Sighs]

- Kids down? - Mm-hmm.

- Kimmel? - Uh-huh.

[Beep] [Laughter]

- Hey. - Hey.

- Work good? - Uh-huh.

Bathroom.

[Sighs]

- Kids down? - Mm-hmm.

- Sex? - Nah.

- Kimmel? - Uh-huh.

[Beep] [Laughter]

[Sighs]

Night.

Wait.

Have we not said a single full sentence

to each other this whole week?

No.

Marty, we're in a rut.

Yeah.

Checkers?

We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey

we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee

then the humans moved next door

started testing all our limits

so sit right down, enjoy the show

we'll be done in 30 minutes

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

Marty, we're in a marital rut.

I read about this in Glamour.

And Vogue.

And Elle. And Cosmo.

Wow, they really are all the same magazine.

I feel it, too. We're coasting, babe.

When was the last time we even had...

Two Thursdays ago, in between

the "Scandal" clip show and "Scandal."

Yeah.

I was going to say, "when was the last time

we even had a real conversation?"

Oh.

Remember when we were first married

we'd drop in a UB40 cd and dig into

a raspberry Danish twist and a box of white zin?

We'd talk all night.

You could talk about nothing for hours.

You were like adorable white noise.

I know! [Chuckles]

Maybe we need a date night.

I think we do to shake things up.

Okay, I'm gonna take care of it tomorrow.

Well, you know what, Marty?

- Maybe I should help with... - No, I'm the man.

You're gonna let me be the man, okay?

I will take care of everything.

- My man. - That's right. I'm your man.

Mm. Mmm.

Oh, not now, Marty. I haven't shaved my legs.

Oh, okay. [Grunts]

And... [Beep]

We have a reservation for date night.

- I'm so excited. - Ooh! Hey!

I know it's last minute, but can you babysit tonight?

I can't. I have to study.

Doesn't that mean you'll be here?

Study out in public.

I focus best when I'm surrounded by distractions.

You guys wouldn't understand because, well, you're old.

You gave up booze nine months for that one.

- Not entirely. That could be the problem. - Yeah.

I'll call Pearl.

Ooh. Who's Pearl? She sounds young and hip.

- She's our babysitter. - Oh! Where are we going?

Nowhere because we are not going anywhere.

I'm taking Debbie out to the city

to a very special place, and it's a big surprise.

You're really not gonna tell me where we're going?

[Gasps] He's locked his lips with a key.

And he's throwing it down the sink.

- This is like theater. No! - He's destroying the key!

[Grinding] Now we'll never understand why they need this hot date.

Oh. Well, we've just been in a little bit of a rut lately...

Oh, he can still speak. Thank God.

Hey, Marty, you don't just tell people we're in a rut.

Mm, Marty, TMI. Embarrassing.

What's a rut? Act it out with your hands. Oh!

Well, a rut is when you're so used to each other

that you stop making an effort to connect.

You guys have that, right?

Nope. Never knew it was a thing.

Sounds depressing. Let's bounce.

Bird-Kersees out.

Why did you guys even come over here?!

Just to make us feel bad?

Perfect pose, Dick. Think royalty.

- Candy bar? - Ah.

I've been doing research all day.

And apparently, the Weaver's "marital rut" is a thing.

Oh. Yes.

I've been reading Elle, Cosmo, and Vogue...

They're basically all the same magazine... not cat fancy.

That's really trying something.

And they all agree that "rut" is cited

as one of the top reasons for getting a divorce,

along with hair plugs, sports cars, and Facebook. Mm-hmm.

But luckily, we don't have to worry about not connecting.

Am I right? Fist bump.

Uh-huh. Aah!

Look at what you made me do.

Our little prince is not that rosy.

You agreed to a fist bump.

You can't stop a fist bump mid-bump.

And enough with the paintings

of Dick Butkus through the centuries.

No one wants that on their coffee table,

well, I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get dick's eyes to sparkle

like they do in real life.

- JJK? - Yes?

Did you hear a single word I just said. Of course I did!

I heard "rut" and "rut" and something about Facebook.

Oh, no. It's happening to us.

- Hmm? - We're in a rut.

[Gasps]

Oh, we must have caught it from the Weavers.

Well, what do we do to get out of it?

I haven't the first clue. I read about getting into a rut.

I don't know how to bust a rut. [Sighs]

Oh, no.

We bounced out of the Weavers' house too quickly.

Bird-Kersees back in.

I look like Marcia Cross.

- Marty. - Hey, Larry, does this shirt say,

"we've been married for 20 years,

but we've still got it"?

No, it says you haven't been shopping

for 20 years and you never had it.

Anyway, just making conversation.

Did you see "The Voice" last night?

Can anyone pull off a 5:00 shadow like Adam Levine?

Do you believe he's Jewish?

Also, how do you get out of a marital rut?

Hi, Debbie Weaver.

Hey, Jackie.

So, I feel like we didn't get

to finish our conversation before.

You're in a miserable marriage,

and you're making a last-ditch effort to save it.

Dish.

Uh, okay.

Not a last-ditch effort, not miserable.

Marty's just surprising me with dinner in the city.

It'll be a quiet evening where we can really...

Go crazy, you know?

I mean, you get so into your boring day-to-day routine

that sometimes, you need something exciting to...

Help you to slow down,

check in with the person you fell in love with.

It's just gonna be me and Marty, and...

Three DJs... A real hot crowd!

We're going to this trendy new restaurant

with fancy lighting and hip music

because tonight should be...

Simple, intimate, quiet,

a place where we can really talk.

They have a mechanical shrimp you can ride.

So long, rut.

Thank you, Marty.

This has been... completely useless.

As useless as teats on a bull.

I don't know why we barge in there anymore.

To make them feel bad, right?

The Weavers think they can fix a marriage

with a meal in the city,

but you can't eat your way out of a rut.

You have to fight the rut.

So, we're taking it up a notch,

which is why I went to the real expert here.

Abby Weaver?

Yes, but she was on a call,

so now I don't know who to speak to.

Let's just ask Google.

Jane knows everything.

I thought it was "go-ogle" until right now.

Search "how to spice up a marriage."

"How to spice..."

Ooh! "How to spice up a chicken."

Click on that. Ooh, Rosemary. I would have guessed thyme.

Google "Rosemary."

Should I click on "Rosemary Clooney" or "Rosemary's baby"?

Ooh, I love babies.

Ooh, babies and puppies! Do babies and puppies.

- Aww! - Aww! - Aww! - Aww!

Wait, what were we doing? [Groans] We did it again.

We got distracted by the "did you mean" function.

Let me go back to "how to spice up your marriage."

Oh.

The first thing that comes up is "role play."

"Dress up as a super-hot alter ego

and meet your partner out on the town."

What's super hot? Oh, Dick, avert your ears.

We are possibly talking about sex.

- We're not sure. - Nerds.

Dick, mommy and daddy are having date night,

so you're staying home with your brother.

No, no, no. Jane and I are having our own date night.

It's soul-mating season!

Oh, all right.

Dick, then you'll go to the Weavers.

They've hired a babysitter, so you'll be in good hands.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

I'm not going to be left with some hormonal teenager

who is just waiting for us to go to bed

so her boyfriend can grope her on the sofa.

Well, that's what's happening, so get on board.

Fine, but I'm not making small talk

with the boyfriend while she "freshens up."

I hate this planet.

Kids, I want you to be good

and do whatever pearl asks you to do.

Me, dick butkus, needing a babysitter.

[Door closes] Of all the insulting, demoralizing...

when you come to me

Debbie: Oh, hello, Pearl.

Hey, Mrs. Weaver.

Hey, Max, Abby, what's up?

Ooh, and you are?

In love.

When you come to me

[Sneezes]

Ooh! Sinus infection.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Doesn't feel hot to me,

but, uh, I have nerve damage down my entire left side, so...

Hurry along now, Weavers. Wouldn't want to miss your reservation.

Okay, kids, have a good night.

I'm gonna have an intimate date night with my guy.

Aw-oogah.

[Loud dance music plays]

Welcome to Lou Ferrigno's Hibachi Heaven!

It's dinner-tainment!

[Applause]

Right? This is exactly what we needed...

Something new and different to rekindle our flame, baby.

Ooh! [Crowd gasping]

Oh, okay. You went with literal flames.

Interesting choice.

Sit back, strap in

for a sizzling seafood taste-splosion!

[Chuckles] [Applause]

All right. Now, who's ready to get... it... prawn?

[Laughs] "Prawn" is another name for shrimp.

I got it, Marty.

I also got it when he asked me if I'd come here

"just for the Halibut."

"Just for the hell of it"? Yeah.

- You see? He's doing that? Yeah. - Okay, you know what?

We are going to try and salvage the evening.

I know this is dorky, but...

All aboard the onion train!

Choo-choo! [Train whistle blows]

What?

We're gonna salvage this evening!

I saw this on an episode of "The view."

Sherri Shepherd wanted to connect with her husband,

and she used these things called "convo cards."

Is sherri the one who thinks the world is flat? What?

I said, "is Sherri the one who thinks the world is flat?"

[Music fades] The other black one!

The lovely lady that's not Whoopi.

Sherri and her husband used these

to, uh, find new things to talk about.

Honey, that sounds kind of lame.

Well, Marty, I just watched a man make a pac-man

out of fried rice to Katy Perry's "Roar,"

so work with me here.

Okay. Okay.

[Crunch!]

Here's what's up.

See that goddess... The one that smells like magic?

She and I are meant to be.

Wait. You like pearl?

Just look at her crunching down that pack of dry ramen.

Didn't even add hot water. Didn't have to.

She is quite something.

So, what do you say you guys put yourselves to bed

and let the grown-ups be grown-ups?

[Yawns] Time to turn in, Max.

It's 10:00 P.M. somewhere.

Oh, hey, dick.

- 'Sup? - Oh, not much.

Just sanitizing the old bod. [Chuckles]

Too many people stop at the hands, but you know what?

Bacteria can live anywhere.

You are very wise.

Here. You want to try some?

Yanked it from my gynecologist's office.

[Piano music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

You're probably wondering about my fly lady threads.

Well, my wife and I seem to be in a rut,

so we decided to meet here and role-play

dressed as the sexiest people we could think of.

I dressed as her.

Fingers crossed she'll come as Adam Levine.

Jackie: [Deep voice] Hello, there.

[Gasps] [Normal voice] You're...

[As Jackie] I'm the sexiest person I could think of.

I'm Jackie Joyner-Kersee... Mind of a genius,

heart of an angel, legs that go on for days.

And you are...? Oh.

[As Larry] Also the sexiest person I could think of...

Larry Bird, supreme leader. Oh!

Perhaps you've heard of me. If not, you're an idiot.

Oh!

[Normal voice] This has the possibility of being very confusing.

But right now, I am so turned on.

[Squeals] [Chuckles]

So, Pearl, what's your story?

What do you do when you're not babysitting?

Oh, well, uh [Clears throat] recently,

I moved in with my cousin after her big accident,

so I guess you could say I'm always babysitting.

[Chuckles] Listen, Pearl...

Yeah? ...You dig me, I dig you.

Let's go steady.

Whoa [Chuckles] wait. Dick, okay.

- You're very cute... - Preach.

But you are 10.

Age is just a number.

Look at Demi and Ashton, Mariah and Nick,

Madonna and, well, everybody.

All good examples, but, dick, we sitters have a code, okay?

We watch your kids, we eat your food,

and when you return, you pay us and we leave.

Not so much a code as just the job description.

Yes, but it's a job description I live by.

So, Dick, I am sorry, but you and I will never be.

[Sobs]

Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark.

Ouch.

[Piano music plays]

[As Larry] I love your skort.

[As Jackie] Thank you. I only ever wear skorts.

No one wears a skort quite like you wear a skort.

[Normal voice] Okay, so, basically, that just turned into

you complimenting yourself, I think.

Well, let's... Let's do me, okay?

[Normal voice] Yes, yes, sorry. Uh...

[As Larry] I'm Larry Bird.

Some would say my smile is my best feature.

[As Jackie] Oh, go on.

Why would I smile when everyone's an idiot?

[Normal voice] Okay, so, um, just a heads up, but you've gone

to the "Larry thinks everyone's an idiot,"

well, twice now.

[Normal voice] Oh... yeah. I'm sorry.

No, it's just that we've been married an incredibly long time,

so let's just try and find other details about me

besides the fact that I think everyone's an idiot.

- Of course, of course. - Mm-hmm.

[As Larry] I'm Larry Bird.

I have the best hair.

No, no, no, no. Let's not do hair.

We always do hair.

I mean, I have great hair. We get it.

Let's work a little harder.

[Normal voice] Larry Bird, you're ruining this.

I'm ruining this? What about this?

[As Jackie] I'm Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

My best friend is "Debbieweaaaver."

That's how I say it... "Debbieweaaaver."

Everybody else says "Debbie Weaver,"

like it's a four-syllable name, but I say "Debbieweaaaver."

It drives my husband crazy, but he would never say anything

because I can't take constructive criticism.

[Gasps]

[As Larry] I'm Larry Bird,

and when I'm not at my first job,

bumbling the coffee orders of overprivileged teenagers,

I'm busy with my second... Being better than everyone else.

[Normal voice] Well, sometimes, people make my other job really easy,

especially when they act like...

Idiots! ...Ldiots!

Why didn't you just come dressed as Adam Levine?

[Sighs]

[Loud dance music plays] [Indistinct conversations]

[Whistles]

Oh, Marty, if you could have one superpower,

would you rather it be invisibility or flight?

Hey. The shrimp is in his hat. [Chuckles]

- Don't tell the others. - Marty.

Oh, I'm sorry. Okay.

Um, I guess that, uh, I would wish for more wishes.

What? Who said anything about wishes?

We're talking about superpowers. Are you even listening to me?

Yes! Of course I am!

I would pick heat vision.

Well, heat vision wasn't an option, Marty.

Oh. Crap. I'm sorry. I get distracted.

You know how I am around dinner-tainment, baby.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm glad you found a restaurant that's

so dinner-taining that your date is completely irrelevant.

Irrelevant? What are you talking about?

The whole point of tonight was to do something different.

You said we needed to shake things up.

I said I miss when we used to talk,

not when we used to eat rum-soaked fish

and dodge fireballs.

I know. That's why...

Oh! Oh, thank goodness. You're still here, debbiewe...

Debbie.

- Jackie? - I need a ride home.

I had to get away from Larry Bird.

What are you doing here, husband?

I followed you when you stormed out.

I'm not getting back on that bus, not with these legs.

What is going on, and what is with these outfits?

Move over, Weavers. There's a new rut in town.

[Train whistle blows] Whoo! Whoo!

- Weavers, what are we to do? - We're in a rut.

You guys are not in a rut. You're in drag.

We're in a rut.

I thought it wasn't dignified

to talk about our rut in front of people.

I just spent the last two hours on a date

in Lou Fferrigno's Hibachi Heaven.

My clothes smell like soy sauce and the waiter's body spray.

I no longer remember dignity.

Okay, back to us.

You two got us all freaked out.

And a couple of lady mags and Google searches later,

and I'm in Manhattan in my wife's skort

and she thinks I'm a bumbling fool.

I only said that because you made fun

of the way I say "Debbieweaaaver."

Why do you say it like that? I often wonder about that.

No one asked you!

You see? Look what the Weavers have done to us.

We find each other endlessly fascinating.

Why are we fighting?

That's true.

Maybe those dreadful magazines don't apply to us.

Except for cat fancy.

It has such good ideas, and do you remember

when I made you that scratching post?

[Purrs] Mm.

Oh, you're right!

We're not broken like the weavers.

We have long conversations into the night,

we chose each other

as the sexiest people to dress up as,

and we both loathe dinner-tainment.

Okay, so maybe you two would like to take this outside.

Come on, boo. Let's go home.

We can leave the marital rut

to all the other idiots around here.

I don't get it. Why did you even come here?

They do show up just to make us feel bad.

Man: Taste-splosion! - Oh! I got to take a bath!

[Cheers and applause] Come on. Keep the jacket.

Just keep your feet in the air. I'm sure it'll drain on its own.

Okay? Love you too, dad.

It's the pretty ones who hit the hardest.

We're sorry, Dick.

[Sighs] We should have tried to talk you out of it.

It's all right. No one could have stopped me.

I was a runaway train.

But you shouldn't be too sad about pearl.

One day, you'll find somebody who is perfect for you.

And not 42.

You gonna be okay?

It's gonna take some time to get the sweet sound

of pearl crunching down that dry ramen out of my head,

but I will be.

Max, Abby, kids? Kids, where did you go?

Abby? My life is just one big accident!

Max?

[Sighs] You're right, honey.

Hibachi Heaven... Stupid idea.

Oh, no, Marty. I should have just gone with it.

The teriyaki tuna tower of power was surprisingly... warm.

We've got three kids that get up early.

You've got a job that gets you home late.

We've been retelling each other the same stories for 20 years.

I think talking for hours is a thing of the past.

But I'd rather say three words a day to you

than a thousand to anyone else.

Me, too, babe.

But tonight, I hope that you'll make an exception.

Oh!

A raspberry Danish twist!

A box of white zin!

[UB40's "the way you do the things you do" plays]

Ub40! You did want to talk to me!

Of course I did,

right after I plied you with Lou ferrigno and fish.

Come on. I figured I would have a little dinner-tainment first

and then I'd have a little Debbie-tainment after.

This is the perfect night.

My man.

And, baby, you're so sweet

yes, I am.

I'm speechless. Well, I hope not

because that's one big-ass box of wine.

Ooh!

well, you could have been

did you see Larry bird's legs in that skort?

oh, my God. What is the deal? Is he naturally hairless?

I think he had them waxed!

I mean, alien or no alien, man's legs look like that.

what about mine?

All right, the way you do the things you do

Hi, bored college freshman.

Did you order a large pizza with extra sausage?

I sure did. Is it extra hot?

It's so hot.

[Chuckles]

Wow, it barely fits in my box.

I know. It's really big.

Oh, no. I don't have any cash.

How ever will I pay you for this?

What about debit?

[Chuckles] That's perfect.

[Chuckles]

[Both giggle] That was fun!

That was the best one yet.

Let's do one where it's cash only.

Oh! Okay. Okay. Okay, okay.

I love role-playing! [Laughs]

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