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1
00:00:15,088 --> 00:00:17,556
Hey, so, the kids gave me
their final Christmas list.
2
00:00:17,590 --> 00:00:18,857
What's the damage?
3
00:00:18,908 --> 00:00:19,892
Well, it's the usual.
4
00:00:19,926 --> 00:00:22,461
Amber wants a new car.
Abby wants a pony.
5
00:00:22,495 --> 00:00:25,847
Oh, Max wants the girl
from the "blurred lines" video.
6
00:00:25,865 --> 00:00:26,765
Oh.
Which one?
7
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:27,800
What?
There's more than one?
8
00:00:27,851 --> 00:00:29,985
Yuletide greetings, Weavers!
9
00:00:30,019 --> 00:00:31,086
Hey.
10
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,054
I just got your family gift,
11
00:00:32,088 --> 00:00:33,188
and I think
you're going to love it.
12
00:00:33,206 --> 00:00:35,591
Also, we were wondering
if we could borrow a wreath
13
00:00:35,625 --> 00:00:38,277
and a tree, some decorations,
some wrapping paper.
14
00:00:38,311 --> 00:00:39,645
Some lights.
Maybe some lights.
15
00:00:39,679 --> 00:00:41,046
Oh, sorry, buddy.
16
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,915
But we have our own Christmas
to get ready for. Right, hon?
17
00:00:42,949 --> 00:00:43,849
Let me see that.
18
00:00:43,883 --> 00:00:46,852
A car? A pony?
[ Chuckles ]
19
00:00:46,886 --> 00:00:49,271
Sounds like you should get your
children jobs for Christmas.
20
00:00:49,305 --> 00:00:52,774
Says the man living off his
wife's Taco Kingdom paycheck.
21
00:00:52,792 --> 00:00:55,343
These first few things on
the list are just distractions.
22
00:00:56,961 --> 00:00:58,545
See, they like to
shock us with things
23
00:00:58,579 --> 00:00:59,713
they know they can't get,
24
00:00:59,731 --> 00:01:01,415
this way, the rest of the list
seems reasonable.
25
00:01:01,449 --> 00:01:02,716
It's actually
kind of brilliant.
26
00:01:02,750 --> 00:01:04,334
And those first few minutes
27
00:01:04,369 --> 00:01:05,318
when those devious
little monsters
28
00:01:05,336 --> 00:01:06,670
are opening their gifts,
29
00:01:06,721 --> 00:01:08,922
those are some of the happiest
moments of my entire year.
30
00:01:08,957 --> 00:01:10,057
So, I want to make sure
31
00:01:10,091 --> 00:01:12,342
I'm getting them exactly
what they want.
32
00:01:12,377 --> 00:01:14,678
Oh, sounds fun.
You know what we do?
33
00:01:14,712 --> 00:01:16,763
We actually pay attention
to our children,
34
00:01:16,798 --> 00:01:19,633
that way we don't need a list
to know what they want.
35
00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:20,600
So, father, does this mean
36
00:01:20,618 --> 00:01:21,885
I'm getting an ant farm
for Christmas?
37
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,804
What?! Ant farm?!
38
00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,023
Don't be stupid.
You want a train set.
39
00:01:27,057 --> 00:01:27,990
Ohh.
40
00:01:28,041 --> 00:01:29,142
What's wrong with an ant farm?
41
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,409
It's a great toy
for a boy Dick's age.
42
00:01:30,444 --> 00:01:31,327
It's educational.
43
00:01:31,361 --> 00:01:32,795
Yeah, I had one
when I was a kid.
44
00:01:32,846 --> 00:01:33,996
Oh, is that
why you grew up to be
45
00:01:34,031 --> 00:01:35,915
one of the world's
leading scientific researchers?
46
00:01:35,949 --> 00:01:38,734
Oh, no, wait.
You sell high chairs.
47
00:01:39,485 --> 00:01:41,386
Son, you will get
what I give you,
48
00:01:41,421 --> 00:01:42,771
and you will be
delighted by it.
49
00:01:42,805 --> 00:01:44,489
- But, father, I...
- Delighted!
50
00:01:44,524 --> 00:01:45,624
Crap.
51
00:01:45,658 --> 00:01:48,026
Great parenting, there, Lar
52
00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:49,962
excuse me,
but I'll have you know
53
00:01:49,996 --> 00:01:51,763
that I have a mug in my house
54
00:01:51,798 --> 00:01:54,016
that says I am
the world's greatest father.
55
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:56,251
He does.
He bought it himself.
56
00:01:56,286 --> 00:01:58,370
And they wouldn't sell it to me
if it wasn't true.
57
00:01:58,404 --> 00:02:00,339
- That would be illegal.
- It's true.
58
00:02:00,373 --> 00:02:03,308
Well, Larry, I have a mug
that says I'm Mrs. Clooney.
59
00:02:03,342 --> 00:02:04,276
[ Gasps ]
60
00:02:04,310 --> 00:02:05,677
Oh, no.
I'm okay with it.
61
00:02:08,512 --> 00:02:12,448
We came from outer space
and settled in New Jersey
62
00:02:12,482 --> 00:02:16,285
we took names like Larry Bird
and Jackie Joyner-Kersee
63
00:02:16,319 --> 00:02:18,287
then the humans
moved next door
64
00:02:18,321 --> 00:02:20,439
started testing
all our limits
65
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,958
so sit right down,
enjoy the show
66
00:02:22,993 --> 00:02:25,961
we'll be done in 30 minutes
67
00:02:25,996 --> 00:02:28,948
sync and corrections by bellows
www.addic7ed.com
68
00:02:29,351 --> 00:02:31,318
and a Merry Christmas,everybody!
69
00:02:31,353 --> 00:02:33,320
[ All shouting ]
70
00:02:33,355 --> 00:02:34,822
Child: Merry Christmas!And there you are!
71
00:02:34,823 --> 00:02:37,141
I can't wait to show you
all the gifts I made.
72
00:02:37,175 --> 00:02:38,642
I thought we agreed
not to do too much.
73
00:02:38,676 --> 00:02:40,361
Yeah, we did.
74
00:02:40,395 --> 00:02:42,029
But it's our first Christmas
as a couple,
75
00:02:42,064 --> 00:02:43,714
and I want it to be special.
76
00:02:43,749 --> 00:02:45,199
And I'm okay
that you're not comfortable
77
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:46,817
with the whole
gift-giving thing.
78
00:02:46,852 --> 00:02:48,152
Reggie, when you do more for me
than I do for you,
79
00:02:48,186 --> 00:02:49,320
I don't love it.
80
00:02:49,354 --> 00:02:51,038
It makes me feel
like a crappy girlfriend.
81
00:02:51,073 --> 00:02:52,490
It does?
82
00:02:52,524 --> 00:02:54,825
Yeah. A little.
83
00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:57,244
It's okay. Just maybe
take it down a notch.
84
00:02:57,295 --> 00:02:58,379
It's only Christmas.
85
00:02:58,413 --> 00:03:00,197
[ Gasping ]
86
00:03:00,232 --> 00:03:02,366
It's on...
[ Snorts ]
87
00:03:02,384 --> 00:03:04,201
Kid with the crutches dies.
88
00:03:04,219 --> 00:03:05,702
Wha...
89
00:03:07,222 --> 00:03:09,373
What is Larry's deal?
90
00:03:09,391 --> 00:03:11,726
Why won't he get Dick
what he wants for Christmas?
91
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:12,160
Honestly, hon,
92
00:03:12,195 --> 00:03:14,178
I don't think it's gonna be
the kid's biggest issue.
93
00:03:14,212 --> 00:03:17,214
He's so stern with Dick
and set in his ways.
94
00:03:17,232 --> 00:03:18,232
And with Jackie working,
95
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,568
Larry is Dick's
primary influence,
96
00:03:20,602 --> 00:03:22,937
and he's so inflexible
and demanding
97
00:03:22,988 --> 00:03:25,239
and just so frigging weird.
98
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:28,242
I mean, why would
he choose his own human form
99
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:30,244
but still need to wear glasses?
100
00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:31,445
You ever think of that?
101
00:03:31,496 --> 00:03:32,613
Huh. That is weird.
102
00:03:32,664 --> 00:03:33,897
- Right?
- Yeah.
103
00:03:33,915 --> 00:03:36,450
I'm getting Dick that ant farm.
104
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:37,585
Oh, no, no!
Please, honey, no.
105
00:03:37,619 --> 00:03:39,787
How Larry raises his son
is none of our business.
106
00:03:39,838 --> 00:03:42,289
Hey, dad.
Can I talk to you for a second?
107
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:45,576
Yeah.
What's up, buddy?
108
00:03:45,594 --> 00:03:46,910
Okay, there's something
I want for Christmas
109
00:03:46,928 --> 00:03:48,429
that I didn't put on my list.
110
00:03:48,463 --> 00:03:49,797
Okay.
111
00:03:49,848 --> 00:03:51,248
I want a princess Leia doll.
112
00:03:51,266 --> 00:03:54,435
A doll?
Oh, like an action figure?
113
00:03:54,469 --> 00:03:57,121
No. A princess Leia doll.
Understand?
114
00:03:57,155 --> 00:04:00,658
Uh-huh. I think so.
Yeah.
115
00:04:00,692 --> 00:04:02,610
Cool.
116
00:04:04,079 --> 00:04:06,313
Interesting.
117
00:04:06,348 --> 00:04:08,249
Can you say something
helpful, please?
118
00:04:08,283 --> 00:04:10,334
Oh, he probably
just thinks it's hot.
119
00:04:10,352 --> 00:04:11,952
It's nothing to worry about.
120
00:04:11,987 --> 00:04:14,738
When you were his age,
you wanted a-a easy-bake oven.
121
00:04:14,773 --> 00:04:15,823
Yeah, but then
Christmas morning,
122
00:04:15,874 --> 00:04:17,425
my father smashed it
with a baseball bat
123
00:04:17,476 --> 00:04:19,943
and said, "Merry Christmas,
Martha. Here's a bat."
124
00:04:19,961 --> 00:04:23,047
So, then, don't be like
your dad, and buy him a doll.
125
00:04:23,781 --> 00:04:26,349
You know what?
You're right.
126
00:04:26,383 --> 00:04:27,701
I'm not my dad.
127
00:04:27,752 --> 00:04:29,102
All right, what's the big deal?
128
00:04:29,137 --> 00:04:31,338
If my son wants a doll,
then I'm gonna get him a doll.
129
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,939
You know what?
I'll get him 100 dolls.
130
00:04:32,974 --> 00:04:34,691
Pretty ones.
131
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:39,513
Or, you know,
just the one doll for our son.
132
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,247
[ Doorbell rings ]
133
00:04:42,298 --> 00:04:44,633
Hello, Jane.
134
00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:46,885
How's my son's
intergalactic soul mate?
135
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,203
Good.
Busy.
136
00:04:48,238 --> 00:04:50,572
- Takes a lot of hard work
to look this good. - What?
137
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:52,174
No, I'm just kidding.
It's super easy.
138
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,475
[ Laughs ] Hello, Jane.
139
00:04:53,509 --> 00:04:55,744
Thank you, mother.
140
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:56,712
Hi, Reggie.
141
00:04:56,746 --> 00:04:57,696
I just wanted to come by
142
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,814
and give you
your Christmas present.
143
00:04:58,848 --> 00:05:01,950
Oh. Thank you.
I'm sure this is...
144
00:05:01,985 --> 00:05:02,951
Perfect.
145
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,069
It's something you've been
146
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,621
subconsciously wanting
for awhile now.
147
00:05:05,655 --> 00:05:07,306
I brought it with me
from Zabvron.
148
00:05:07,357 --> 00:05:09,074
And who knows?
Maybe when you're ready,
149
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,926
we can go back there
together and start a family.
150
00:05:12,028 --> 00:05:14,830
Who knows what the universe
has in store for us?
151
00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:16,948
Merry Christmas, Reggie.
152
00:05:16,999 --> 00:05:19,100
- Merry Christmas.
- I love you.
153
00:05:31,513 --> 00:05:32,730
[ Doorbell rings ]
154
00:05:34,617 --> 00:05:35,717
This is terrible.
155
00:05:36,151 --> 00:05:37,785
Is it Gwyneth Paltrow's head?
156
00:05:37,819 --> 00:05:39,136
Because I'd be okay with that.
157
00:05:39,187 --> 00:05:41,539
It's Reggie Jackson's
Christmas gift from Jane.
158
00:05:41,573 --> 00:05:42,857
She brought it with her from Zabvron,
159
00:05:42,891 --> 00:05:44,425
and I think
he's going to love it.
160
00:05:44,459 --> 00:05:47,261
Okay, well, thanks for stopping
by and freaking me out.
161
00:05:47,396 --> 00:05:49,930
Listen, storm cloud, I have
accepted that Reggie Jackson
162
00:05:49,964 --> 00:05:51,515
will eventually end up
with a woman.
163
00:05:51,549 --> 00:05:53,767
If that has to happen,
I would much rather
164
00:05:53,801 --> 00:05:55,535
that it's a sullen pain
in the tokus from next door
165
00:05:55,553 --> 00:05:56,920
over the Pollyanna soul mate
166
00:05:56,954 --> 00:05:58,638
who wants to take him
to another planet.
167
00:05:58,673 --> 00:06:00,323
So, what are you saying?
168
00:06:00,358 --> 00:06:01,708
I want to take you shopping
169
00:06:01,742 --> 00:06:03,927
to get Reggie Jackson
the perfect Christmas gift.
170
00:06:05,061 --> 00:06:07,129
Is this the first conversation
we've ever had?
171
00:06:07,163 --> 00:06:09,698
Yes, I think so.
172
00:06:09,733 --> 00:06:11,267
How's it going so far?
173
00:06:11,301 --> 00:06:13,018
I'll let you know.
I'm on the fence.
174
00:06:13,052 --> 00:06:17,156
Stille Nacht
175
00:06:17,190 --> 00:06:19,458
Heilige Nacht
176
00:06:19,492 --> 00:06:21,277
Father, I was hoping
to talk to you again
177
00:06:21,311 --> 00:06:22,594
about the ant farm.
178
00:06:22,612 --> 00:06:24,997
It's not happening.
Here. Check this out.
179
00:06:25,031 --> 00:06:28,467
I got your mother that
video camera she's been wanting.
180
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:29,885
[ Camera beeps ] Wait a second.
181
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,320
[ Sniffing ]
182
00:06:32,739 --> 00:06:35,357
Is that a train set?
183
00:06:35,392 --> 00:06:37,593
No, it's an ant farm
I sprayed with train scent.
184
00:06:37,627 --> 00:06:39,511
Yes.
It's a train set.
185
00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:41,230
Now it won't be a surprise.
186
00:06:41,264 --> 00:06:43,482
Father, train sets
are for 6-year-olds
187
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,267
and impotent
middle-aged men
188
00:06:45,302 --> 00:06:48,170
looking to spend less time
with their wives.
189
00:06:48,221 --> 00:06:49,939
Dick, I'm not
getting you an ant farm.
190
00:06:49,973 --> 00:06:51,140
You're better than that.
191
00:06:51,174 --> 00:06:52,841
I'm taking this up with Santa.
192
00:06:54,261 --> 00:06:57,529
[ Chuckles ]
193
00:06:57,564 --> 00:06:59,631
What he doesn't know is this.
194
00:06:59,649 --> 00:07:02,734
I did spray it
with train scent.
195
00:07:02,752 --> 00:07:05,838
I've been working on this
ant farm for months.
196
00:07:06,972 --> 00:07:10,525
Actually, it's not
just an ant farm.
197
00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:12,377
It's a plantation.
[ Laughs ]
198
00:07:12,411 --> 00:07:14,562
It's... it's an "antation."
[ Laughs ]
199
00:07:14,613 --> 00:07:17,882
Oh, good lord.
What is this?
200
00:07:17,916 --> 00:07:19,917
[ Gasps ]
201
00:07:19,952 --> 00:07:22,220
It must be for me.
[ Laughs ]
202
00:07:22,254 --> 00:07:25,106
Who else could it be for?
[ Sighs ]
203
00:07:25,157 --> 00:07:26,074
[ Knock on door ]
204
00:07:26,108 --> 00:07:28,559
Hang on, Katie.
What's up?
205
00:07:28,593 --> 00:07:29,877
Abby, I need your help.
206
00:07:29,912 --> 00:07:31,846
I really want to get Amber
something perfect for Christmas,
207
00:07:31,897 --> 00:07:33,164
and since you know more
208
00:07:33,198 --> 00:07:35,400
about what's going on in
this house than anyone else,
209
00:07:36,234 --> 00:07:37,801
I was hoping you could help me?
210
00:07:37,835 --> 00:07:38,769
[ Sighs ]
211
00:07:38,803 --> 00:07:40,020
I'm going to
have to call you back.
212
00:07:40,054 --> 00:07:42,122
I've got some drama
to deal with here.
213
00:07:42,156 --> 00:07:44,141
My sister's boyfriend.
214
00:07:44,175 --> 00:07:45,792
Yeah, the one
you thought was gay.
215
00:07:45,827 --> 00:07:48,578
Come on.
216
00:07:52,816 --> 00:07:55,083
Thanks for bringing me
to see Santa.
217
00:07:55,102 --> 00:07:56,869
Oh, that's no problem.
218
00:07:56,903 --> 00:08:00,689
Okay. I'm gonna go
buy my son a doll.
219
00:08:00,724 --> 00:08:02,274
Am I doing
the right thing here, Dick?
220
00:08:02,325 --> 00:08:03,892
I'm about to go
tell a fat stranger
221
00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:06,145
that I've been a good boy
and ask him for some insects.
222
00:08:06,196 --> 00:08:08,497
I think we're all just feeling
our way through this one.
223
00:08:08,515 --> 00:08:09,849
That's well said.
224
00:08:09,867 --> 00:08:11,367
Stay where I can see you.
225
00:08:11,568 --> 00:08:14,370
Ho ho ho ho.
226
00:08:14,404 --> 00:08:17,006
You reek of gin.
227
00:08:18,592 --> 00:08:19,908
Hello, young man.
228
00:08:19,926 --> 00:08:21,594
Would you like to hop up here
229
00:08:21,628 --> 00:08:23,912
and tell Santa
what you want for Christmas?
230
00:08:23,930 --> 00:08:25,431
I don't have time
for your nonsense.
231
00:08:25,465 --> 00:08:26,882
I know you're not
the real Santa.
232
00:08:26,916 --> 00:08:29,918
Tell Santa that Dick Butkus
was good all year,
233
00:08:29,936 --> 00:08:32,087
and all I want is an ant farm.
234
00:08:32,105 --> 00:08:33,255
Can you do that?
235
00:08:33,273 --> 00:08:34,774
I guess so.
Thanks.
236
00:08:34,808 --> 00:08:35,891
Here's $20.
237
00:08:35,925 --> 00:08:37,860
They're having a sale on
deodorant downstairs.
238
00:08:40,130 --> 00:08:43,765
Ho ho ho!
239
00:08:46,153 --> 00:08:47,787
Is that all for Max?
240
00:08:47,821 --> 00:08:49,905
Yeah, I started looking
at the girls' toys.
241
00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:52,224
They are way more inspiring
than the boys' toys.
242
00:08:52,259 --> 00:08:54,660
Did you know that Barbie has,
like, 100 jobs?
243
00:08:54,711 --> 00:08:58,464
Well, I also went shopping
and got Dick an ant farm.
244
00:08:58,498 --> 00:09:00,449
Deb.
245
00:09:00,467 --> 00:09:02,618
I know. I know. You told me
to mind my own business.
246
00:09:02,636 --> 00:09:03,786
But bad father or not,
247
00:09:03,820 --> 00:09:06,121
I am not gonna let Larry
ruin Dick's Christmas.
248
00:09:06,139 --> 00:09:09,958
Marty, did Dick leave
his pager in your car?
249
00:09:09,976 --> 00:09:12,428
He might have left it
in 1997, Larry.
250
00:09:12,462 --> 00:09:13,646
I'll check.
251
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,482
[ Sniffing ]
252
00:09:16,516 --> 00:09:17,483
Hang on a second.
253
00:09:17,517 --> 00:09:21,854
Is that...an ant farm?!
254
00:09:21,905 --> 00:09:23,823
What?
255
00:09:23,857 --> 00:09:26,942
It's my favorite present ever.
Thank you, Deborah.
256
00:09:26,976 --> 00:09:28,477
What is the meaning of this?
257
00:09:28,495 --> 00:09:29,662
Larry, I know you s...
258
00:09:29,696 --> 00:09:32,498
No, you know nothing.
Nothing!
259
00:09:32,532 --> 00:09:35,317
Dick, can I see
that ant farm, please?
260
00:09:35,335 --> 00:09:36,452
Yeah, sure.
Oh, thank you.
261
00:09:36,486 --> 00:09:37,453
Here.
262
00:09:37,487 --> 00:09:39,788
Oh, yes.
That is nice.
263
00:09:45,795 --> 00:09:47,763
[ Glass shatters ] [ Sighs ]
264
00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:51,100
Sorry. I think I just
stepped on your ant farm.
265
00:09:52,102 --> 00:09:53,385
It was an "antcident."
266
00:10:03,146 --> 00:10:05,364
What the hell, Larry?!
267
00:10:05,398 --> 00:10:07,532
I told you... I didn't want
Dick to have an ant farm.
268
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:10,135
Poor little creatures.
Ew! It's on me!
269
00:10:10,169 --> 00:10:12,271
What gives you the right
to try and raise my children?
270
00:10:12,305 --> 00:10:13,956
I am not trying to
raise your children.
271
00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:15,657
I'm just trying to help you
do it better.
272
00:10:15,691 --> 00:10:17,693
I am an excellent father.
273
00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:19,728
Then why can't Dick have
an ant farm for Christmas?
274
00:10:19,746 --> 00:10:21,997
Because I...
[ Sighs ]
275
00:10:22,015 --> 00:10:23,348
Because I have my reasons.
276
00:10:23,383 --> 00:10:25,917
And since I am his father,
that should be reason enough.
277
00:10:25,969 --> 00:10:27,653
Dick, come on.
Let's go home.
278
00:10:30,556 --> 00:10:32,156
Thank you, Debbie.
279
00:10:32,191 --> 00:10:34,842
That 10 seconds
was the happiest of my life.
280
00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:36,227
Oh, Dick.
[ Clicks tongue ]
281
00:10:40,582 --> 00:10:41,983
Okay.
282
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:45,303
So, the first Christmas gift
I made for Amber is...
283
00:10:45,337 --> 00:10:46,287
[ Air hisses ]
284
00:10:46,321 --> 00:10:47,488
What is that?
285
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,789
It's a clone of my heart.
286
00:10:48,824 --> 00:10:50,875
Seriously?
How about a sweater?
287
00:10:50,909 --> 00:10:53,511
Or something not
from the Crazytown mall.
288
00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:54,595
But I want to make a gesture
289
00:10:54,629 --> 00:10:55,813
that lets her know
that I love her
290
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:57,248
more than anything else
in this universe.
291
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:59,767
Have you met Amber?
She doesn't want that.
292
00:10:59,801 --> 00:11:00,952
She wants something
293
00:11:00,986 --> 00:11:03,671
that lets her know
that you like her a little.
294
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,690
- But I love her a lot.
- She knows that.
295
00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:07,274
But you got to think smaller.
296
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:10,161
And just when you think
you have the perfect thing,
297
00:11:10,195 --> 00:11:12,129
know that it's wrong
and think smaller.
298
00:11:13,364 --> 00:11:16,433
Do that, like, 10 times.
Then maybe you'll be close.
299
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,284
- What about a...
- Smaller.
300
00:11:18,319 --> 00:11:19,469
Right.
301
00:11:19,503 --> 00:11:20,920
Now go.
302
00:11:20,954 --> 00:11:23,857
Snow is falling,
winter's calling
303
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:26,693
Christmas
304
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,028
church bells ringing
- fun! Having fun!
305
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,831
Children singing, Christmas
- We should hang out more often.
306
00:11:31,866 --> 00:11:34,000
See a movie
or take a pottery class.
307
00:11:34,034 --> 00:11:36,336
All right, calm down, spaz.
Mm-hmm.
308
00:11:36,370 --> 00:11:37,687
What about paint?
309
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:38,822
Oh?
310
00:11:38,856 --> 00:11:40,623
Glow-in-the-dark paint.
That's interesting, right?
311
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,375
It's crafty, unexpected.
312
00:11:42,393 --> 00:11:43,443
Oh, sure.
313
00:11:43,477 --> 00:11:44,944
I can always guarantee
that Reggie Jackson
314
00:11:44,978 --> 00:11:46,663
is not expecting
for you to give him
315
00:11:46,697 --> 00:11:48,615
a jar of paint for Christmas.
316
00:11:50,684 --> 00:11:52,117
What about a lamp?
317
00:11:52,135 --> 00:11:54,403
Reggie enjoys
light and seeing things.
318
00:11:54,438 --> 00:11:56,038
Sure.
319
00:11:56,073 --> 00:11:57,022
I mean, it's not something
320
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,323
he's been
subconsciously wanting
321
00:11:58,342 --> 00:12:00,159
that was brought across
the galaxy by his soul mate,
322
00:12:00,193 --> 00:12:01,861
but it is a lamp.
323
00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:04,330
Well, I can't get him
normal boyfriend gifts.
324
00:12:04,364 --> 00:12:06,132
I can't get him clothes
because your entire family
325
00:12:06,166 --> 00:12:08,434
dresses like Vijay Singh
at a gospel brunch,
326
00:12:08,468 --> 00:12:10,703
and I can't get him a book,
because he's on a cleanse.
327
00:12:10,737 --> 00:12:12,488
I have no idea what to get him.
328
00:12:13,122 --> 00:12:15,090
I'm, like,
the worst girlfriend ever.
329
00:12:15,124 --> 00:12:17,392
Amber.
330
00:12:17,427 --> 00:12:19,661
He's not expecting for you
to give him the whole universe.
331
00:12:19,696 --> 00:12:23,231
He just wants something that
lets him know you care.
332
00:12:23,266 --> 00:12:25,550
Fine.
333
00:12:25,568 --> 00:12:26,818
Then I'm going with
the lamp and the paint.
334
00:12:26,836 --> 00:12:30,289
Oh. Okay.
335
00:12:30,323 --> 00:12:32,223
[ "Deck the halls" plays ]
336
00:12:38,564 --> 00:12:40,649
Rarity!
She's my favorite
337
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:43,335
because she only cares about
her friends and how she looks!
338
00:12:43,369 --> 00:12:45,587
What every mother
wants to hear.
339
00:12:45,638 --> 00:12:47,689
Where's Larry?
He's missing the best part.
340
00:12:47,740 --> 00:12:48,924
Oh, he said he had some
341
00:12:48,958 --> 00:12:50,909
last-minute Christmas elving
to do, whatever that means.
342
00:12:50,927 --> 00:12:53,545
Hey, buddy, this is a little
something just from me.
343
00:12:53,579 --> 00:12:54,696
Go ahead.
344
00:13:00,385 --> 00:13:04,471
Dad, I said I wanted a
princess Leia doll!
345
00:13:04,506 --> 00:13:07,107
I know, but I realized
what you were really saying...
346
00:13:07,158 --> 00:13:08,742
that you want to be
challenged a little bit,
347
00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:11,011
break out of the traditional
male-oriented toys
348
00:13:11,062 --> 00:13:12,813
and broaden your horizons.
349
00:13:12,847 --> 00:13:13,897
I get it.
350
00:13:13,932 --> 00:13:16,033
I was saying
I wanted a princess Leia...
351
00:13:16,051 --> 00:13:19,102
In a gold bikini,
because she's hot.
352
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,404
Told you.
353
00:13:20,438 --> 00:13:22,206
[ Door opens, closes ]
354
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,124
Merry Christmas, everyone!
355
00:13:24,159 --> 00:13:27,110
I come bearing gifts
for the Weaver children.
356
00:13:27,128 --> 00:13:30,147
Amber Weaver, Merry Christmas.
357
00:13:31,766 --> 00:13:33,500
I got you a Prius.
358
00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:38,789
- Shut up.
- What's happening?
359
00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:41,425
Abby, I'd like you
to meet Rarity.
360
00:13:41,459 --> 00:13:44,761
She only cares about her friends
and how she looks.
361
00:13:44,779 --> 00:13:49,833
Oh, my gosh!
A real, live pony!
362
00:13:49,851 --> 00:13:51,735
Larry, what the hell
are you doing?
363
00:13:51,769 --> 00:13:54,371
Well, I thought about
what you were saying
364
00:13:54,406 --> 00:13:56,173
about me being a bad parent
365
00:13:56,207 --> 00:13:58,508
because I didn't get Dick
exactly what he wanted
366
00:13:58,526 --> 00:13:59,643
for Christmas,
367
00:13:59,677 --> 00:14:01,495
and then I thought about
your children's lists
368
00:14:01,529 --> 00:14:02,946
and what a bad
parent you were
369
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:05,165
for not getting them exactly
what they wanted.
370
00:14:05,216 --> 00:14:07,234
So, I just went ahead
and got it for them.
371
00:14:07,268 --> 00:14:09,319
Oh, and, uh, Max.
372
00:14:09,337 --> 00:14:11,955
Don't think
I've forgotten about you.
373
00:14:11,989 --> 00:14:14,925
[ Whistles ]
374
00:14:14,959 --> 00:14:18,912
Help me, Max Weaver.
You're my only hope.
375
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:27,620
God bless us, every one!
376
00:14:27,671 --> 00:14:30,456
[ Chuckles ]
377
00:14:30,507 --> 00:14:31,541
Larry!
378
00:14:43,854 --> 00:14:46,439
Marty: No, you cannot
keep her in your room.
379
00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:49,042
Oh, come on, dad!
I'll take care of her.
380
00:14:49,093 --> 00:14:50,126
No!
381
00:14:50,161 --> 00:14:52,729
Larry, I don't
even know what to say.
382
00:14:52,763 --> 00:14:54,364
How can you afford all this?
383
00:14:54,998 --> 00:14:57,099
Oh, I took out
a second mortgage.
384
00:14:57,134 --> 00:14:59,201
It was worth it
to make a point.
385
00:14:59,236 --> 00:15:00,152
Was it? Was it, Larry?
386
00:15:00,187 --> 00:15:01,520
I can't believe
you did this, Larry.
387
00:15:01,555 --> 00:15:02,555
What?
388
00:15:02,589 --> 00:15:05,474
You've ruined my moment.
I ruined yours.
389
00:15:05,509 --> 00:15:06,859
Okay, you know what, guys?
I am sorry.
390
00:15:06,893 --> 00:15:09,145
But you cannot keep the car
or the pony or the lady, sorry.
391
00:15:09,179 --> 00:15:10,446
- What?
- No! - Rarity!
392
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,214
Unbelievable.
393
00:15:12,249 --> 00:15:14,016
Mom, you ruined Christmas!
394
00:15:15,235 --> 00:15:17,303
Who's a bad parent now?
395
00:15:17,337 --> 00:15:20,539
Need to talk to you,
Larry, out back.
396
00:15:20,574 --> 00:15:23,125
May the horse be with you.
397
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:34,920
This took
a lot of balls, Larry.
398
00:15:37,573 --> 00:15:39,991
You open the box from hell yet?
399
00:15:40,042 --> 00:15:42,494
Not yet.
400
00:15:45,364 --> 00:15:47,615
You know, I struggled
with what to get you.
401
00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:51,152
But with some help, I think
I settled on the perfect thing.
402
00:15:53,205 --> 00:15:54,639
[ Rattle ]
403
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:57,242
A jar with only the brown ones?
404
00:15:57,276 --> 00:15:59,060
I know you don't trust
the colorful ones.
405
00:15:59,095 --> 00:16:00,294
Chocolate should be brown.
406
00:16:00,313 --> 00:16:02,530
I agree. So I picked
all the other ones out.
407
00:16:02,564 --> 00:16:03,965
It was quite
time-consuming.
408
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:10,021
This is oddly perfect...
thoughtful, small, delicious.
409
00:16:11,056 --> 00:16:12,356
Thank you.
410
00:16:13,675 --> 00:16:16,276
I got you something, too.
Close your eyes.
411
00:16:18,229 --> 00:16:20,464
And...open them.
412
00:16:21,566 --> 00:16:23,150
Oh.
413
00:16:26,888 --> 00:16:29,473
Right?
414
00:16:29,507 --> 00:16:32,276
You got me a lamp
for Christmas?
415
00:16:32,310 --> 00:16:35,279
Well, when you
say it like that...
416
00:16:38,717 --> 00:16:42,436
So, are you ready to apologize?
417
00:16:42,470 --> 00:16:44,271
Apologize?
You have got to be kidding me.
418
00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:47,673
Debbie Weaver,
did it ever occur to you
419
00:16:47,691 --> 00:16:49,775
that I might have spent
the past four months
420
00:16:49,793 --> 00:16:51,911
constructing the world's
most elaborate ant farm
421
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:55,114
so that my son would
not only have what he wanted,
422
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,750
but he would also have
the world's best version of it?
423
00:16:57,768 --> 00:16:59,852
No, that did not occur to me.
424
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,987
And do you know why
I spent all that time?
425
00:17:02,005 --> 00:17:04,090
Because, aside from
what you may think,
426
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,941
I am a good father.
427
00:17:05,976 --> 00:17:09,979
That does sound like something
a good father would do.
428
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:13,883
Oh, Larry, I'm sorry.
Truly.
429
00:17:13,917 --> 00:17:15,768
I just get so
caught up in Christmas.
430
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,770
I think it's because
when I was a kid...
431
00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:18,938
Yes, I don't care.
432
00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:21,540
Right.
433
00:17:21,575 --> 00:17:23,376
I never should have
got Dick that ant farm.
434
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,295
It was a mistake.
I am sorry.
435
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:29,398
It's just Dick
is such a special kid.
436
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,817
And sometimes I think
you're a little hard on him.
437
00:17:31,852 --> 00:17:34,904
Yes, he did seem rather broken
a couple of times this week.
438
00:17:34,938 --> 00:17:37,189
I do see what you mean.
439
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:39,474
You know, in spite of
440
00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:41,543
your relentless badgering
and your weakness for drink,
441
00:17:41,577 --> 00:17:43,661
you are a good mother,
Debbie Weaver.
442
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:46,047
If I was going to take
parenting advice from anyone,
443
00:17:46,082 --> 00:17:48,017
I suppose on occasion
I could take it from you.
444
00:17:48,751 --> 00:17:50,035
Well, thanks, Larry.
445
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,220
And your kids
obviously love you.
446
00:17:52,255 --> 00:17:55,173
And I'm just gonna back off.
You are a good father.
447
00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:58,093
A good father?
That's what I said.
448
00:17:58,127 --> 00:17:59,528
Am I not the world's
greatest father?
449
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:04,449
You are the world's
greatest father, Lar.
450
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:06,585
That's what my mug says.
451
00:18:07,519 --> 00:18:09,820
We're keeping the ball pit,
right?
452
00:18:09,854 --> 00:18:12,456
I love the ball pit.
I really love the ball pit.
453
00:18:12,490 --> 00:18:14,275
Whoa!
454
00:18:14,309 --> 00:18:16,177
That is why I drink.
455
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:21,215
I have to say,
I'm a little underwhelmed.
456
00:18:21,249 --> 00:18:23,167
Well, Reggie,
I can't give you something
457
00:18:23,201 --> 00:18:24,718
from across the galaxy,
so I thought that...
458
00:18:24,769 --> 00:18:25,936
Oh, did you?
459
00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:28,072
Because this looks like
you didn't think at all.
460
00:18:28,106 --> 00:18:29,573
Well, if you'll
just listen, I...
461
00:18:29,591 --> 00:18:31,358
No, Amber, I know the idea
of being romantic
462
00:18:31,393 --> 00:18:33,644
is embarrassing for you,
and I accept it
463
00:18:33,678 --> 00:18:37,064
because I love you,
but this is just insulting and,
464
00:18:37,098 --> 00:18:38,599
to be honest,
it hurts my feelings.
465
00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:40,151
Reggie, I...
466
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,952
Now, if you'll excuse me.
467
00:18:44,739 --> 00:18:47,825
I'd like to be alone
so I can cry like a man cries.
468
00:18:53,331 --> 00:18:55,115
Mm!
If you'll j...
469
00:18:58,987 --> 00:19:01,922
[ Jack Johnson's "Angel" plays ]
470
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:17,638
I've got an angel
471
00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:21,108
she doesn't wear any wings
472
00:19:23,778 --> 00:19:26,764
she wears a heart
that could melt my own
473
00:19:26,798 --> 00:19:32,036
wears a smile that could
make you want to sing
474
00:19:34,139 --> 00:19:38,676
she gives me presents
475
00:19:38,710 --> 00:19:42,296
with her her presence alone
476
00:19:43,830 --> 00:19:46,232
She went big.
477
00:19:46,266 --> 00:19:47,850
She gives me everything
I could wish for
478
00:19:47,884 --> 00:19:49,502
Yeah!
479
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:55,257
Gives me kisses on the lips
just for coming home
- Yeah!
480
00:19:55,291 --> 00:19:56,726
Close together
481
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,061
so close together
482
00:19:59,096 --> 00:20:00,896
close together
483
00:20:00,931 --> 00:20:02,565
Christmas together
484
00:20:02,599 --> 00:20:06,202
the lights, the trees
485
00:20:06,236 --> 00:20:10,439
and the way they work
together in perfect harmony
486
00:20:10,474 --> 00:20:13,843
the friends, the fam
487
00:20:13,877 --> 00:20:17,179
gathering the neighbors,
singing "winter wonderland"
488
00:20:17,213 --> 00:20:19,315
when we're all this close
489
00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:20,649
close together
490
00:20:20,684 --> 00:20:22,318
so close together
491
00:20:22,352 --> 00:20:24,870
ooh, ooh
close together
492
00:20:24,905 --> 00:20:27,389
when we're all this close
493
00:20:27,823 --> 00:20:29,658
What's wrong, son?
494
00:20:29,676 --> 00:20:31,376
Nothing.
495
00:20:31,427 --> 00:20:34,829
Look, I know you really wanted
a little ant farm for Christmas,
496
00:20:34,848 --> 00:20:37,316
and I'm sorry you didn't
get what you want,
497
00:20:37,350 --> 00:20:41,503
but hopefully you'll accept
this instead.
498
00:20:41,521 --> 00:20:43,672
We wish you
a Merry Christmas
499
00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:46,058
we wish you
a Merry Christmas
500
00:20:46,109 --> 00:20:47,893
we wish you a Merry
Christmas
- Ooh!
501
00:20:47,944 --> 00:20:51,396
And a Happy - This is the
biggest ant farm I've ever seen!
502
00:20:51,447 --> 00:20:55,016
New year!
- Thanks, mom. You're the best.
503
00:20:55,034 --> 00:20:56,251
What?
Mom?
504
00:20:57,203 --> 00:20:58,487
Why do I even bother?
505
00:21:07,584 --> 00:21:09,368
[ Sighs ]
506
00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:11,871
Are you coming to bed?
507
00:21:13,505 --> 00:21:14,672
Marty.
508
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:15,573
Marty!
509
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:18,642
Yeah, hon.
On my way.
510
00:21:23,214 --> 00:21:26,834
Merry Christmas to me.
511
00:21:31,106 --> 00:21:33,758
Whoo-hoo!
512
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