All language subtitles for The Neighbors s02e01 Family Conference.eng

I'm sad, Deb.

This is it.
This is the last of the summer brew.

You know, Marty, they sell
summer beer all year long.

Right, like I'm gonna
be the schmuck

drinking a summer beer after labor day.

Happy anniversary, Weavers!

We let ourselves in.

- You always do. - One of these days,
I'm not gonna be wearing pants!

Oh, it's not anything we haven't
already seen on the video feed.

Congratulations, by the way.

Today marks one year
since you moved in next door.

We thought it would be nice
to celebrate

- with a little champagne.
- Oh, that's nice.

- Great.
- Oh!

Now it's less nice.

- Is that not right?
- Not right. - Boats only.

- I told you.
- Sorry.

I'll get some rags.

I thought we could
celebrate our history together

via my storytelling prowess.

Jackie loves it when I tell her a
good story, don't you, muffin top?

I love it when you do anything,
muffin bottom.

I brought props.
I'm like carrot top.

And, I never thought
I'd say this, but even funnier.

Once upon a time,

a powerful hero
with flowing blond locks

brought his people
from a distant planet

to seek a new home
here on earth.

His name...
was Larry Bird.

- Oh, he's going with third person.
- It's a choice.

His people took athletes' names

to honor earth's
finest physical specimens

and golf attire
so that they would blend in

to their new golf community.

- Honey!
- Go on. Go on.

- I'm writing everything down.
- Oh.

And last year,

Marty and Debbie Weaver
purchased the unit next door.

Oof, I look like my mother.

Wow, you do!

Pretty soon, the teenagers
became best friends.

And even the ungainly
little Weaver children...

- Aww. They're so cute.
- Aww. Look at how cute.

Became joined at the hip

to the aliens' super-sexy son,
Dick Butkus.

He can say it.
He's his father.

God, remember where
we were a year ago?

Oh, I thought they were
gonna abduct the children.

Oh, and we thought

that "Smash" was
going to last forever.

Not even a pity move to Fridays.

Hmm. Well, you know,
it's such a nice night.

What do you say
we have one more

summer night game of
cards on the patio?

That sounds lovely.

- Yeah? - Great.
- Yes! Let us!

Humans and aliens
in harmony together.

No more surprises.

Do you think they saw us?

- sync and corrections by bellows -
- www.addic7ed.com...

So, our daughter
is dating an alien.

He's... he's very sweet.

He seems harmless.
He's definitely hairless.

No, see. I can't do it.

Because I keep imagining
my daughter touching tongues

with that gecko
who sells car insurance.

Months.
They've been dating months.

But did I know? No. Because
my daughter didn't tell me.

Because we don't share.
We don't gab.

We don't play footsie in bed

like the mother and daughter
in "Terms of Endearment."

Honey, why do you
idealize that relationship?

The daughter
in that movie died.

You are a man.

You are never
going to understand

"Terms of Endearment"
properly, okay?

They talked on the phone a
lot, and then she died!

I think I followed the thread!

You know what?
Could we not have

the "Terms of Endearment"
fight right now?

It's a great movie.

- She died slowly of cancer.
- It's a great movie!

She died a painful death of cancer!

She married someone her mother
didn't love, by the way!

Okay.

So, I know that I can
be a little possessive

when it comes
to Reggie Jackson,

so I'm going to think
this out logically.

I mean, do I wish that he
forewent dating altogether

and stayed with me forever?

- Yes, you do.
- Yes, I do.

And do I sometimes fantasize
that he was pocket-sized

so I can carry him around
with me in my breast pocket?

More than I'm comfortable with.

I just want him to love me

much, much more than
he loves anyone else.

Is that too much to ask?

It may be too much
to even think.

- Snookums...- We will not
waste our energy on this.

I have more than enough
to worry about

now that daddy
has cut us off financially

because we wanted to
stay here on earth.

And did you know that,
contrary to popular opinion,

it is less money, mo' problems?

Husband, you'll figure
out our finances.

- Reggie Jackson...
- As a Zabvronian,

Reggie has his own predestined
soul mate back on Zabvron,

and it certainly isn't

that hormonal
angel of darkness next door.

- Hmm. But don't you think we
should consider... - Darling.

- But I want... but if you could
just... - Discussion over.

- I just want...
- That's enough, muffin.

What do you think you're doing?

No, cupcake!

Oh!

Don't you dare!

I call a family conference!

Oh, God.
Do you know what that is?

A clown from the 1920s?

It's the family-conference whistle.

My parents must be displeased.

I hate it when my
parents are displeased.

You got to stop caring about
what your parents think, man.

Parents don't understand.

Ring!
Ring!

Hey, Amber.
DJ Jazzy Jeff called and...

Yes?

He wants his expression
to go back to him.

No.

If you don't care
about what your parents think,

then why have we been
sneaking around all summer?

Because my mom
is like 100 years old

and totally useless.

She's like dial-up Internet.

I mean, it takes four hours
for her to get to the point.

And even then,
it sounds like "krrrrrrrrrk."

I just hate that
I've upset my 'rentals.

Father has enough on his
plate trying to come up

with new ways
to earn money for us.

Amber, why can't
my parents just realize

that we're supposed to be
together forever,

that love has lifted
us up where we belong?

Reggie...

1982 called.

It wants its cheesy lyric back.

Oh, that's how you do it.

What we need to remember
is they're 16 years old, okay?

- These things don't last.
- We got together at 16.

Yeah, but come on. If you had
gotten into a real college...

Ooh, it would have been over
by freshman Thanksgiving.

I probably would have
moved to Italy,

taken a lover,
and opened a restaurant

with the best puttanesca
in all the land.

Wow.
That's pretty thought out.

Diane Lane would have played me
in the movie.

I have an announcement!

I would have called it "la vierna,"

and we would have changed
the menu every day.

Okay, done.
Hi, guys.

We're having a family conference
about Reggie and Amber,

and we'd like you two
to join us.

It's what we do
when an issue occurs

which requires debate.

I'm all for simply
forbidding this doomed union,

but my wife wants a conference.

And you know the old saying...
Happy wife, happy life...

That's wrong.
Anyway,

if you will be
joining the conference,

we'll need to order
additional seating and staff.

- Staff?
- Staff.

- Staff?
- Yes.

Just come on in.

Come on in.
Go ahead.

Get yourselves checked in
with the receptionist.

I prefer office manager.

Good afternoon, and welcome
to the family conference.

Just to be clear, I object to
everything that's happening here.

But I'm curious as to what
sort of weirdness is going down,

so I'm rolling with it.

Next!

Did she just walk into the closet?

- You got to be kidding me.
- Whoa!

- This is under their house.
- Okay, I love this!

- This is awesome!
- Cool!

Every house is supposed to
have the same floor plan.

We don't have
an underground tunnel.

- It's not next to your
nuclear-missile silo? - Bup, bup, bup.

- This is insane!
- You know what's insane?

That we're going to a bunker
to talk about my relationship.

I mean, what else
is there to say here?

I already told you
we're together.

Are you searching for gold?

Eventually you told us.

Wait!

Whoa.

My husband wants to unilaterally
forbid this relationship.

And I'll admit, there's
some temptation in that.

But I'm, as you say,
trying to take my teeth

off the umbilical cord.

So we are going to
have a rational discussion

followed by a vote
which will determine

whether or not Reggie
and Amber may date.

What?! No!

Debbie Weaver, you're up next!

Oh, I...
I don't know. I'm...

I'm wearing an old nursing bra
because it's laundry day.

Okay, fine.

The lasers are on the clapper?

Why didn't you clap
when you were on this side?

Because she's a showoff!

Come on, Catherine Zeta.
Let's do this.

Welcome to the conference room.

Just a little thing
we put together

for conferences and wars.

Now, before I take lunch orders,
sparkling or flat?

It's gonna be such a long day.

Dick, I'll take sparkling.

Flat for me.

On our jumbotron, you'll see

some of the rules and bylaws
of the family conference.

We expect that everyone
will respect the process.

In the event that you don't,

we have a fully automated
cyber moderator we can call on.

- We call him Jerry.
- Oh, like Siri?

No, like Jerry springer.

Hello, everybody.

Now, Larry and Jackie,

you're concerned that
if Reggie and Amber date,

that'll ruin the fabric
of their relationship?

We'll call you
if we need you, Jerry!

We usually go
in order of prettiness,

but, um...

I'm going to let Jackie
go first this time.

Because,
as the old saying goes,

when the wife remains happy,

the knife can stay
in the drawer.

Where are you finding
these sayings?

All right.
You know what?

You want to debate?
Let's debate.

But first of all, whoever's
playing footsie with me,

can you please cut it out?

Heaven forbid
someone should touch you.

When you were a baby,

you used to let me touch you
all day long.

What other options did I have?

I was a baby!

She lets me touch her
all the time.

- Ohh.
- Come on.

Dick, at your ready.

I'm live.

I'm trying not
to rush to judgment.

So I have input both, uh,
Reggie and Amber's genetic data

into a breeding algorithm
to hypothesize possibilities

for a human/zabvronian
half-breed.

- Okay, we are neither breeding,
nor half-breeding. - Yet.

But I'm sure one day she'll put

a little Mickey mantle
in my belly.

- Oh, Reggie.
- Come on.

So...

Crossbreeding will likely
produce one of three options,

and this is the first.

Oh, my.

It's quite unholy, I know.

But we could also get this.

Oh!

Lizard baby.
It's a lizard baby.

All I see is your
mother in that one.

It gives me the chills.

Perhaps you prefer
option number three.

- Is that an orchid?
- That's an orchid.

We are mostly plant based.

- That's why you smell so...
- Grassy, yes!

Grassy.
Marty, you're up next.

While it's hard
for me to accept

that my daughter
is dating anyone,

I like Reggie, you know?

And I like his family.

So, I don't know
how I feel, you know?

Which has been, granted,

a lifelong struggle
for me in general.

My mom was a train wreck,

totally oblivious
and self-involved.

And I swore I would
not be the same way.

Relationships are difficult,

even in
the best of circumstances.

And I really feel
I put my family first,

but I missed this whole thing.

Maybe I won't end up
with a Zabvronian.

What did you just say?!

It's important
that we respect each other...

He said, "maybe I won't
end up with a Zab..."

Yes, I know what he just said, Dick!

Don't speak to me in that tone.
I'm only doing my job.

...That we're
kind to each other.

Let's just say I wanted to pick
up a couple of extra dollars.

What do you think we'd get
for Dick on the open market?

And I think it's because
of my father, you know?

- 'Cause... -Oh, my God!
You are so boring!

Can we please just vote?

Nay on Reggie and Amber.

As you all know,
when it is time,

Reggie and his soul mate
will be pulled to their feet

by an intractable
universal force.

You know what?

- Let's take class outside
for a demonstration. - Ooh!

Let's pretend that
this magnet is Reggie.

And that Diet Dr. Pepper
is Reggie's soul mate

United for all eternity.

So, that's why I'm voting
against this relationship.

Reggie should just be
waiting for her,

Mrs. Diet Dr. Pepper.

- Let's break for lunch!
- Okay.

How did we miss this?

What have we been doing
the past two months?

I'm worried about her, Marty.

Honey.

Wow, you're really close
all of a sudden.

What if Reggie
really does have,

like, this soul mate out there?

Are you serious
about this relationship?

Are you in love with him?

Are you in love
with him and you didn't tell me?

I've got this, Amber.

Yes, we're in love, and we're
going to be together forever...

Just us, a little house,
and 2.5 orchids

- or lizards.
- Okay, stop!

Outside!
Right now!

Yes, ma'am.

No, Carlos.
Now is not a good time.

Reggie, you have to
stop talking about us

like we're in "The Notebook," okay?

I like you, but I'm not ready

to use words like "forever"
or "lizards" yet.

But if we're not together
forever,

that means
we're going to break up,

and I never want to break up.

"Never" is another one
of those stressful words.

Okay, fine. I do not ever
want to break up with you.

I want to be with you always.

"Always"
pushes some buttons, too.

What words don't push
buttons for you?!

Just regular, non-freaky words!

God, I love your guts!

You are so huggable!

Why am I in trouble?!

Because you're the one that brought

your alien family
onto our planet!

Oh, no, you didn't!

Hey! I heard a
"oh, no, you didn't!"

- Go away, Jerry!
- What the...

So, is that
how you see it, hmm?

This is your planet,

and we're just
problem-causing interlopers?

I'm sorry, Jackie, but it's
tough enough raising three kids

without throwing some
alien grandkids into the mix.

Do you know how hard it is
to take care of an orchid?

We should have just
forbid this union

instead of allowing Reggie
to roam next door

for a little strange.

Strange is right!

Unless that's a word
I just can't use, either.

Hey.
That's not very nice.

Hey. Who you calling strange,
by the way?

She's a princess!

Who gives a monkey?

I mean, I've never been
spoken to like that in my life.

Everyone stop fighting!

And sit down!

Reggie gave Amber a new face.

What?! I told you not to
use that technology here!

I didn't!

I know
all of my sister's faces.

There's 13 of them. Look.

Okay.

There's "sleepy morning" face,

"mad" face,

"mad at mom" face.

- Kids and technology.
- It's their generation.

Anyways...

Reggie gave Amber a 14th face.

And it's the only face
where she smiles so big

you can see her teeth.

You smile with your teeth?

I wasn't even sure
she had all her teeth.

She does.
I've felt them all with my tongues.

Reggie, please.
Stop.

Anyways, I think

you should all vote
for Amber and Reggie

in honor of my sister's 14th face.

Wow.

Om.

Max, Dick, let's leave
the grown-ups to it.

I'm out.

Hmm.

Really wish
I'd heard that speech

before I made that call.

- What call?
- What call?

Yep.

There it is.

- That's for me.
- Yep.

It is.

Hello.

Um...
who the hell is this?

This is my...

- Soul mate.
- Soul mate.

Did you just say
this is your "soul mate"?

He did.

I would like to introduce
myself to your family,

but I don't yet have a name
for my human form.

Would you like to name me?

Um...

- Please name me.
- Wow.

Way more intimate a thing to say
than you would think.

Uh, J-Jane.
J-Jane's good.

I'm Jane.

I'm here to claim Reggie
Jackson for all of time.

And you are?

Going to gouge out your
dimples with my thumbs.

- I like that. - You go for the face.
I'll take her out at the knees.

- On 3.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Okay. No need.

You have to go.
I-I have a girlfriend.

I'll wait for you outside.
We have time.

We have all of eternity.

So, that was upsetting.

How did she even get here, huh?

I mean, I assume a spaceship,

but that's, like, the ninth
person to visit this year.

Is anyone else noticing?

How many spaceships
have to land in New Jersey

before NASA notices?

You intervened?

They're supposed to be brought
together by a universal force.

So I made a call,
and she's here a tad early.

But she is the one.

Right? That chemistry
was undeniable.

What?!

No. E... what?

Oh, my sweet, dark one,

this was going to happen
eventually.

Better happen now before
you get even more attached.

Don't listen to him, Amber.
I'm sure she's already gone.

Baby, what can I do?
I'm here. I want to help.

Talk to me, I'm begging you.

Fine, mom. I'll talk.

Reggie and I were best friends
for a year,

and now we're dating.

But we don't even hold hands

because I don't really think
he knows how.

It just seems like
a weird thing to hold.

And also he keeps talking about

me putting a little
Mickey mantle in his belly,

which totally freaks me out.

And he has a soul mate
who isn't me,

and that freaks me out
even more.

Do you want mommy to help?

Yes.

Reggie, you're freaking her out.

I know! But I can't figure
out how to stop doing it.

The woman's an enigma wrapped
in a grouchy, adorable riddle.

Okay. How about this?

Reg, you are not allowed to
talk to Amber

about anything that takes place

more than one month
in the future.

Oh. That's easy.

That works, right?

Huh.

Mom, we've been
talking in circles

for, like, three months.

That actually
totally solves it.

Boom!

Take that, Shirley MacLaine,
you hack!

So, I know no one's asking.

But after this whole
"we don't even hold hands"

little bit of information,

I know how I'm feeling...
pro relationship.

So, let's vote.

No. There is
going to be no vote.

- Reggie...
- Everybody, sit down.

- Don't sit.
- Right.

Amber.

I know it bothers you
when I talk about the future,

and I will try to do that less,
starting tomorrow.

But right now,
I have to say this...

I do have
a predestined soul mate,

and I was pulled
through space and time

by a universal force
to meet her.

It's you, Amber.

You are why I'm here.

It is why
my family came to earth,

and it is why
your family moved next door...

So we could meet.

"The Notebook"
is bush league, Amber.

Heaven and earth moved for us.

I will say we got

a weirdly good deal
on the house.

Could we move this along?

"Shark Tank" starts
in four minutes.

Watch it without me!

I would like a moment
alone with my girlfriend.

I will wait to watch it.

Thank you, mother.

I love you.

Most?

Sure.

Yes.

- Oh.
- Hello.

Hey.

Hi.

Impressive speech.

But, uh, what
about the girl outside?

You know, the one you're
magnetically attracted to?

Just tall tales from my father.

You're sure?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Well, I'm still gonna
go out the back

to avoid your cosmic stalker.

Understood.

Thanks for the hand holding.
I think I get it now.

And don't worry!
You're my chosen one!

You're my chosen...

Whoa!

Oh, boy.

Still have no money
and no way to get any.

So, uh, let's brainstorm.

There are no bad ideas.
What can we think of?

Lemonade stand!

Interesting.

- Invent perpetual motion!
- Ooh, I like it.

- Break into the U.S.
treasury! - Keep it coming.

- We could dance for money.
- Creative.

- Sell our hair.
- Interesting.

- Sell our bodies.
- Good one.

You could get a job.

What's wrong with you?

Are you an idiot?

I married an idiot.

Meeting adjourned!

"Get a job"?

Get a job?!

I think we're going
to be dealing with this

for the rest of the year.

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