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♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,404
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
3
00:00:06,405 --> 00:00:07,872
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
4
00:00:07,873 --> 00:00:09,741
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
5
00:00:09,742 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
6
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,345
♪ So that you can know
Your left from your right ♪
7
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,380
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
8
00:00:15,381 --> 00:00:16,914
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
9
00:00:16,915 --> 00:00:18,015
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
10
00:00:18,016 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ The story that just begun ♪
11
00:00:19,318 --> 00:00:20,718
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
12
00:00:20,719 --> 00:00:21,886
♪ And I'm-a remain a soldier ♪
13
00:00:21,887 --> 00:00:23,855
♪ Till the war is won ♪
14
00:00:23,856 --> 00:00:26,491
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
15
00:00:26,492 --> 00:00:29,161
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
16
00:00:29,162 --> 00:00:31,796
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
17
00:00:31,797 --> 00:00:33,199
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
18
00:00:37,737 --> 00:00:39,538
He knows when you been sleeping!
19
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,972
All right.
Amen.
20
00:00:40,973 --> 00:00:43,609
He knows when you're awake!
21
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,377
He knows if you've
been bad or good,
22
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,379
so be good for what?
23
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,548
Goodness sake.
24
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:52,151
Think about that.
25
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:55,486
Be good for goodness sake.
26
00:00:55,487 --> 00:00:56,455
Yes.
27
00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:57,889
Whose sake?
28
00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:58,957
Goodness sake.
29
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:00,926
Speak, sister, speak!
30
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:03,361
? It's time to take the ho's?
31
00:01:03,362 --> 00:01:05,697
? Out the music videos?
32
00:01:05,698 --> 00:01:07,632
And put 'em in your mouth.
33
00:01:07,633 --> 00:01:08,800
Somebody say "ho, ho, ho. "
34
00:01:08,801 --> 00:01:10,636
Ho, ho, ho!
35
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:13,137
Nowadays,
people think "ho, ho, ho,"
36
00:01:13,138 --> 00:01:14,939
means the Hilton sisters...
37
00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:17,509
standing next to Nicole Richie.
38
00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:19,811
Now, that ain't no "ho, ho, ho. "
39
00:01:19,812 --> 00:01:22,980
Somebody give me the real
"ho, ho, ho," out there.
40
00:01:22,981 --> 00:01:24,749
Ho, ho, ho!
41
00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:26,419
Praise Santa!
42
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:30,788
FedEx, UPS.
43
00:01:30,789 --> 00:01:32,757
They can ship the package.
44
00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:33,992
? But wait a minute?
45
00:01:33,993 --> 00:01:35,293
Hold on!
46
00:01:35,294 --> 00:01:37,128
I know a man
with a different kind
47
00:01:37,129 --> 00:01:39,064
of guaranteed
overnight delivery.
48
00:01:39,065 --> 00:01:42,367
He's got his own
overnight express.
49
00:01:42,368 --> 00:01:44,536
Forget Airborne Express.
50
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:47,138
I'll take the reindeer express.
51
00:01:47,139 --> 00:01:49,006
'Cause it's free shipping
on Christmas Eve.
52
00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:50,842
Somebody say...
53
00:01:50,843 --> 00:01:52,679
Ho, ho, ho!
54
00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:55,480
Praise Santa.
55
00:01:55,481 --> 00:01:57,349
? Ho, ho, ho?
56
00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,250
? Ho, ho, ho?
57
00:01:59,251 --> 00:02:01,386
? Ho, ho, ho?
58
00:02:01,387 --> 00:02:03,055
? Ho, ho, ho?
59
00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:05,957
Praise Santa.
60
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,235
Ladies and
gentlemen, from the North Pole,
61
00:02:17,236 --> 00:02:20,605
may we present Santa Claus.
62
00:02:20,606 --> 00:02:22,507
Merry Christmas, kids.
63
00:02:22,508 --> 00:02:24,509
Hi, everybody. Hi.
64
00:02:24,510 --> 00:02:25,678
Ho, ho, ho.
65
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,981
Santa!
66
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:31,884
What a jolly day.
67
00:02:37,556 --> 00:02:39,492
I love you, Santa!
68
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:44,898
Hi, Santa!
69
00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:49,502
Hey, Merry Christ-
70
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:54,940
Santa!
71
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:57,475
Yeah, I got your ass, Santa!
72
00:03:01,113 --> 00:03:03,115
I'm comin' for that ass!
73
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,621
Punk yo ass!
74
00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:11,423
Uh-oh.
75
00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:17,562
He's killing him!
76
00:03:17,563 --> 00:03:19,030
What the fuck?
77
00:03:19,031 --> 00:03:22,400
You all just gonna stand there
and watch me get my ass kicked?
78
00:03:22,401 --> 00:03:24,936
Nobody had my back, huh?
79
00:03:24,937 --> 00:03:28,607
Nobody's got Santa's back?
Ain't this a bitch.
80
00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:31,042
That's fucked up with y'all.
81
00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:32,377
Santa said the F-word!
82
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,879
Even Santa gets angry sometimes.
83
00:03:36,882 --> 00:03:39,451
And the sixth day
of Kwanzaa is Kuji-
84
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:42,420
Ku- Uh, uh- Ku-
85
00:03:42,421 --> 00:03:44,756
Wow, this is really complicated.
86
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:46,158
The sixth day is...
87
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,493
Er, uh... Kuumba.
88
00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:52,096
Kuuuuumbaaaa.
89
00:03:52,097 --> 00:03:55,266
Harold Kennedy Uberwitz
was my history teacher.
90
00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:56,501
He was culturally sensitive.
91
00:03:56,502 --> 00:03:59,537
And on Kuumbay-
Uh, Kuumba-
92
00:03:59,538 --> 00:04:01,639
Uh, the elder-
Okay, that would be me.
93
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,343
-leads everyone
in the Harambee salute.
94
00:04:05,344 --> 00:04:08,180
And that goes like:
95
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:11,650
Harambee!
96
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,317
Okay, great.
97
00:04:13,318 --> 00:04:15,687
So who wants to join me
in the Harambee salute?
98
00:04:15,688 --> 00:04:18,156
Anyone? Huey?
99
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:20,992
You sure?
100
00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:23,494
It's Kwanzaa.
101
00:04:23,495 --> 00:04:26,364
Okay, no problem.
Here we go.
102
00:04:26,365 --> 00:04:27,899
Harambee!
103
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:29,634
Harambee!
104
00:04:29,635 --> 00:04:30,669
Harambee!
105
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,603
Harambee!
106
00:04:32,604 --> 00:04:34,172
Harambee!
107
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:35,207
Harambee!
108
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:37,041
Harambee!
109
00:04:37,042 --> 00:04:38,443
Harambee!
110
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:39,711
Harambee!
111
00:04:45,217 --> 00:04:47,352
You want me to
direct the Christmas play?
112
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:51,356
Absolutely.
I-I think you'll do a fantastic job.
113
00:04:51,357 --> 00:04:53,859
First of all, I don't
give a damn about Christmas.
114
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:57,962
You don't have to do
a traditional Christmas play.
115
00:04:57,963 --> 00:05:00,732
No, you can do
whatever you want.
116
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:01,700
You'll be fired.
117
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,301
Fired? For what?
118
00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:05,904
For being an irresponsible
white person.
119
00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:08,506
I would really love
to see your vision.
120
00:05:08,507 --> 00:05:12,010
Vision? What do you know
about my vision?
121
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:14,679
My vision would turn
your world upside-down,
122
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:15,980
tear asunder your illusions,
123
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:17,982
and send the sanctuary
of your own ignorance
124
00:05:17,983 --> 00:05:19,818
crashing down around you.
125
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,753
Now, ask yourself:
126
00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:24,222
Are you really ready
to see that vision?
127
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:27,225
We'll give you complete
creative control.
128
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,062
I want it in writing.
129
00:05:31,063 --> 00:05:34,165
And suddenly,
there was with the angel-
130
00:05:34,166 --> 00:05:36,968
A multitude of the
heavenly host, praising God,
131
00:05:36,969 --> 00:05:40,137
and saying, "Glory to God
in the highest and on Earth,
132
00:05:40,138 --> 00:05:41,539
peace, goodwill toward men. "
133
00:05:45,377 --> 00:05:47,211
And that's what Christmas
is all about.
134
00:05:47,212 --> 00:05:49,113
Mm-hm.
135
00:05:49,114 --> 00:05:50,649
You hear that, boy?
136
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:52,451
That's what Christmas
is all about.
137
00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:56,121
Actually, Granddad,
Christmas is a pagan holiday.
138
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,723
And Jesus probably hates you
for celebrating it.
139
00:05:58,724 --> 00:06:01,293
There ain't gonna be no Scrooges
in this house, boy!
140
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,862
Look, Granddad,
it's clear from the scripture
141
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,231
that Jesus was not born
in winter.
142
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:08,633
The shepherds, who saw
the angels announcing his birth,
143
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:11,069
would not have been out
in their fields in December.
144
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:13,438
The Palestinian winters
are too cold.
145
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,774
If you believe
in that sort of thing.
146
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,441
The truth is,
Christmas evolved
147
00:06:17,442 --> 00:06:19,611
from the Roman holiday
Saturnalia,
148
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:22,546
a winter festival where men
gave gifts to each other.
149
00:06:22,547 --> 00:06:24,115
They also would get drunk,
150
00:06:24,116 --> 00:06:26,484
have sex with each other
and beat their wives.
151
00:06:26,485 --> 00:06:28,587
People would act so crazy
on Christmas,
152
00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:31,289
the holiday was outlawed
by the Protestant church
153
00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:32,957
until the 1800s.
154
00:06:32,958 --> 00:06:35,827
As a matter of fact,
the United States Congress...
155
00:06:42,734 --> 00:06:44,636
Granddad?
Granddad!
156
00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:47,305
I'm sorry, boy.
Wh-wh-what was that?
157
00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:50,142
I just explained
the entire history of Christmas.
158
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:54,813
But it was booooring, Huey.
159
00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:58,283
You just, "Blah, blah, gay sex.
Blah, blah, Congress. "
160
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,285
You know,
you gotta be interesting.
161
00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:02,320
You're gonna talk me to death.
Talk, talk, talk.
162
00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:05,824
And that's when it hit me.
163
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,527
The world needed
to see my vision.
164
00:07:08,528 --> 00:07:10,362
But I needed
to dress it up first.
165
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,232
It needed scale and drama
and special effects.
166
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,634
What are you doing?
167
00:07:16,635 --> 00:07:18,370
I'm writing a letter
to Santa.
168
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:21,639
"Dear Santa.
169
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:25,010
You are a bitch nigga-"
170
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:27,178
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
171
00:07:27,179 --> 00:07:29,480
"Dear Santa.
172
00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:32,483
"You are a bitch ass nigga.
173
00:07:32,484 --> 00:07:38,422
"I heard the mall is hiring
extra security to protect you.
174
00:07:38,423 --> 00:07:41,125
"That's a bitch move, Santa.
175
00:07:41,126 --> 00:07:46,765
"I'm coming for that ass again
until you pay what you owe.
176
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:48,633
"Sincerely yours,
177
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,003
the Santa Stalker. "
178
00:07:53,138 --> 00:07:54,839
I think you should do a play
179
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,641
about what Christmas
is really about.
180
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:59,511
Christmas is about how Santa
died for our gifts
181
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:03,981
and rose from the dead
and moved to the North Pole.
182
00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:06,317
And because of that,
every year,
183
00:08:06,318 --> 00:08:09,020
Santa comes down
to forgive us our sins
184
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:10,554
and give us eternal presents.
185
00:08:10,555 --> 00:08:12,924
Man, Santa these nuts!
186
00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:15,527
Where was Santa
when we was in the 'hood, huh?
187
00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:17,862
Santa ain't show a nigga
no love back then.
188
00:08:17,863 --> 00:08:22,300
I didn't ask for much.
Just rims. Not even a whole car.
189
00:08:22,301 --> 00:08:24,069
And what did we get? Nothin'.
190
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,504
That nigga gonna pay
what he owe.
191
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,653
Merry Christmas,
Mr. Uberwitz.
192
00:08:42,654 --> 00:08:44,488
Are you here
to see Mr. Freeman?
193
00:08:44,489 --> 00:08:45,423
Uh...
194
00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:46,690
yeah.
195
00:08:46,691 --> 00:08:50,094
One second.
Mr. Uberwitz is here.
196
00:08:50,095 --> 00:08:53,698
Okay. He's just finishing up
another meeting.
197
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,533
You can have a seat
in the hallway.
198
00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:57,102
Can I get you anything?
199
00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:58,436
Some water?
200
00:08:58,437 --> 00:09:01,139
No, I'm fine. Thank you.
201
00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:05,144
Huey?
202
00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:09,948
Oh, hey, Mr. Uberwitz.
This is Quincy Jones.
203
00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:11,950
I've asked him to come in
and co-produce.
204
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:13,952
How are you, man?
205
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:17,489
I- I-I'm good. How do-?
How do you know Huey?
206
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,090
Oh, me and Huey go way back.
207
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:20,191
And by the way,
208
00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:22,126
I hope you're not
gonna be getting strange
209
00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:23,928
with the change
on the music budget.
210
00:09:23,929 --> 00:09:25,763
Music budget?
211
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,202
What the-?
212
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:35,640
Hey!
213
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,975
Have y'all lost
your damn minds?
214
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:40,211
Opening night is less
than two weeks away,
215
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:41,313
and y'all wanna party?
216
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,481
We're just having some fun.
217
00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:47,018
Fun? Do I look
like Charlie Brown?
218
00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:48,186
No.
219
00:09:48,187 --> 00:09:51,021
Do I look like Charlie Brown?
220
00:09:51,022 --> 00:09:53,858
You know what?
All y'all are fired!
221
00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:55,192
What?
Fired?
222
00:09:55,193 --> 00:09:57,495
Did I stutter?
Beat it!
223
00:09:57,496 --> 00:09:58,630
Huey...
224
00:09:58,631 --> 00:10:00,731
But I-it...
It's the entire cast.
225
00:10:00,732 --> 00:10:02,133
Are you sure
that's a good idea?
226
00:10:03,168 --> 00:10:04,335
Contract.
227
00:10:04,336 --> 00:10:06,504
I'm... sorry, guys.
228
00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:08,006
I can't believe it.
229
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:10,508
Hey, don't be lookin' at me.
230
00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:12,009
Don't look at Quincy Jones.
231
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:13,845
Quincy Jones
ain't gonna help you.
232
00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:16,014
Get your asses out. Now!
233
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:20,084
Is there any money in the budget
for a casting director?
234
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:30,928
That's right, Bob.
235
00:10:30,929 --> 00:10:32,530
A little bit
of the Christmas spirit
236
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,132
is returning to Woodcrest,
237
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,534
as Santa Claus makes
his first appearance
238
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:38,869
since being assaulted
by the unknown,
239
00:10:38,870 --> 00:10:42,139
but probably Arab,
Santa Stalker, one week ago.
240
00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:44,475
And you're gonna
protect me, right?
241
00:10:44,476 --> 00:10:48,579
Now, don't you worry about
a thing, Mr. Santa Claus, sir.
242
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:49,948
I got you covered.
243
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:51,782
Now, I know
I'm a very large man,
244
00:10:51,783 --> 00:10:54,720
but I'm a picture
of athleticism.
245
00:10:55,554 --> 00:10:57,389
Well, hello there.
246
00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:00,892
And what would you like Santa
to bring you for Christmas?
247
00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:02,794
I want a...
248
00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:06,064
Uh, Santa, you got
a red dot on your head.
249
00:11:11,536 --> 00:11:13,972
Nooooooooo!
250
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,945
Ow! Goddamn!
251
00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:23,581
That had to pierce
a spleen or somethin'.
252
00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:25,450
God! Medic! Medic!
253
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:27,185
Merry Christmas, nigga!
254
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:32,523
Aah! Santa, why?
255
00:11:32,524 --> 00:11:35,927
You ruined my childhood!
256
00:11:36,895 --> 00:11:40,764
You gonna pay
what you owe, Santa!
257
00:11:40,765 --> 00:11:43,235
You gonna pay what you owe!
258
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,704
Running like a bitch.
259
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:56,513
Backup. I need backup.
260
00:11:56,514 --> 00:11:59,417
I'm fat.
I can't run very fast.
261
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,486
I think I'm having
a heart attack
262
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,956
and a couple of light strokes.
263
00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:10,494
Merry Christmas, nigga.
264
00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:17,268
Damn.
265
00:12:31,116 --> 00:12:33,017
Okay, now...
266
00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:35,352
for the role
of the third wise man,
267
00:12:35,353 --> 00:12:39,524
we have Mr. Fogelbury
or Denzel Washington.
268
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:42,326
I say, Denzel.
269
00:12:42,327 --> 00:12:43,962
Yeah, me too.
270
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:45,496
Okay, and for the role of Mary,
271
00:12:45,497 --> 00:12:47,532
we have third-grade
science teacher,
272
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:50,802
Mrs. Peterson
or Angela Bassett.
273
00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:54,138
Well, Mrs. Peterson gave
a serious read.
274
00:12:54,139 --> 00:12:55,740
Yeah, she sure did.
275
00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:58,176
But I say, Angela Bassett.
276
00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,343
Yeah, me too.
277
00:12:59,344 --> 00:13:02,046
Guys, how do we afford.
278
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:04,382
Denzel Washington
and Angela Bassett?
279
00:13:04,383 --> 00:13:05,883
I don't know.
280
00:13:05,884 --> 00:13:08,185
Have we gotten word yet
on Will Smith's availability?
281
00:13:08,186 --> 00:13:12,023
W-whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't afford Will Smith.
282
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:13,591
Damn the budget!
283
00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:16,528
What we're doing is
more important than money.
284
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,495
We will change Christmas
285
00:13:18,496 --> 00:13:21,632
and elementary-school theater
forever.
286
00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:23,301
But we don't have the money.
287
00:13:25,370 --> 00:13:27,805
Contract.
288
00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:14,785
Oh, Huey.
289
00:14:14,786 --> 00:14:16,687
You've got a lunch meeting
at 11:30
290
00:14:16,688 --> 00:14:19,056
about the sound effects
for the dogfight sequence.
291
00:14:19,057 --> 00:14:20,258
Cancel it.
292
00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:22,693
The PTA is threatening
a boycott of the play
293
00:14:22,694 --> 00:14:23,961
since you fired all the kids.
294
00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:26,330
Don't care.
295
00:14:26,331 --> 00:14:28,499
And the principal's
in your office
296
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:29,834
to talk about the script.
297
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:30,902
Who?
298
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:32,302
First of all,
299
00:14:32,303 --> 00:14:34,705
I just wanted you to know
we're thrilled with the script.
300
00:14:34,706 --> 00:14:36,340
Absolutely fantastic.
301
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:37,575
Brilliant.
302
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:38,843
Wouldn't change a thing.
303
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:40,311
We just had a couple of notes.
304
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,312
One or two.
305
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,880
Nothing significant.
306
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:45,316
Let's see, uh, there's a typo
307
00:14:45,317 --> 00:14:46,550
on page five.
308
00:14:46,551 --> 00:14:49,053
Uh, there's a continuity problem
on page 32.
309
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:51,856
I think that scene's
supposed to be at night.
310
00:14:51,857 --> 00:14:54,258
Um, let's see, um-
Oh, yeah, um, and, uh...
311
00:14:54,259 --> 00:14:55,726
Jesus can't be black.
312
00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:58,029
What do you mean
he can't be black?
313
00:14:58,030 --> 00:14:59,330
He can't be black.
314
00:14:59,331 --> 00:15:01,398
Maybe we can make Jesus
another color.
315
00:15:01,399 --> 00:15:02,366
How 'bout white?
316
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:04,335
But Jesus was black.
317
00:15:04,336 --> 00:15:06,370
We could probably do Italian.
318
00:15:06,371 --> 00:15:07,872
Jesus was Middle Eastern.
319
00:15:07,873 --> 00:15:09,374
In addition to Arabs,
320
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:12,276
the Middle East has always had
many people of African descent,
321
00:15:12,277 --> 00:15:13,711
whom you would consider black.
322
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:15,046
Sorry, can't do it.
323
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:18,083
Oh, right. That.
324
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,825
Best of luck.
325
00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:29,092
Break a leg.
326
00:15:29,093 --> 00:15:31,764
I can't wait
for opening night.
327
00:15:43,775 --> 00:15:45,409
Riley?
Jazmine.
328
00:15:45,410 --> 00:15:47,912
Riley, you came to see Santa.
329
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:49,714
Shh!
330
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:52,850
Ladies and
gentlemen, from the North Pole,
331
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:57,088
the reeeeal Santa Claus!
332
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:04,428
What the hell?
333
00:16:04,429 --> 00:16:07,965
Hey, there,
pretty little white children.
334
00:16:07,966 --> 00:16:12,369
Now, look at all them precious
little vanilla-colored faces.
335
00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:14,905
I heard this was the only guy
they could find to do it.
336
00:16:14,906 --> 00:16:17,474
Now, I know y'all
think old Santa Claus
337
00:16:17,475 --> 00:16:19,343
look a little bit darker
than he used to.
338
00:16:19,344 --> 00:16:20,745
Ho, ho!
339
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:22,713
But see, that's
just 'cause Santa Claus
340
00:16:22,714 --> 00:16:25,116
got a little bit
of re-vitiligo.
341
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:28,185
See, that's the opposite
of what Michael Jackson got.
342
00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:31,155
Don't worry,
no Jesus juice up here.
343
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,591
Come on, let's get
this show on the road.
344
00:16:34,592 --> 00:16:36,427
That's not Santa!
345
00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:39,231
Okay, who's first?
346
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:46,137
That's not Santa.
It's an impostor!
347
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:47,838
Beware of the false Santa!
348
00:16:47,839 --> 00:16:50,040
Kids, kids, calm down.
349
00:16:50,041 --> 00:16:53,110
Accompanying parents,
calm down as well.
350
00:16:53,111 --> 00:16:55,112
I am the real Santa Claus.
351
00:16:55,113 --> 00:16:58,115
Ho, ho, ho.
Look at my belly shake.
352
00:16:58,116 --> 00:17:00,550
The heartbreaker re-vitiligo
353
00:17:00,551 --> 00:17:04,521
is a very serious
life-threatening condition.
354
00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:13,197
Hey, I've been in show business
a long time, Huey.
355
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,366
This kind of thing comes
with the territory.
356
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,803
I know you'll do
the right thing.
357
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,743
Huey, it could
still be a great play.
358
00:17:26,744 --> 00:17:29,413
We could cut a few scenes.
Make some changes to the script.
359
00:17:29,414 --> 00:17:31,248
Huey.
360
00:17:31,249 --> 00:17:33,752
We have to put something on.
361
00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:36,320
Do what you have to do.
362
00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,856
Just take my name off of it.
363
00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:40,358
Won't be my vision.
364
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:46,831
Hello.
365
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:49,599
Yeah. Yeah, it's resolved.
366
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,404
We'll be ready to put
the play on tomorrow.
367
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,340
Why doesn't
the real Santa come?
368
00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:59,777
'Cause there ain't
no real Santa.
369
00:18:03,414 --> 00:18:05,950
We all want to believe
in miracles on Christmas.
370
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:17,296
All of us.
371
00:18:23,068 --> 00:18:27,004
No Santa Claus?
372
00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:30,307
Well, I'd expect
a heathen nigglet like Riley
373
00:18:30,308 --> 00:18:32,076
to say something like that.
374
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:35,212
But, Jazmine,
I'm surprised at you.
375
00:18:35,213 --> 00:18:36,847
Being a mulatto and all,
376
00:18:36,848 --> 00:18:39,383
you've supposed
to have more sense.
377
00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:40,551
Huh?
378
00:18:40,552 --> 00:18:43,120
I'm Special Agent Ruckus.
379
00:18:43,121 --> 00:18:44,121
Shh!
380
00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:47,324
Volunteer Santa Security.
381
00:18:47,325 --> 00:18:49,593
Santa has reason to believe
382
00:18:49,594 --> 00:18:51,995
that your little
jungle friend Riley
383
00:18:51,996 --> 00:18:54,698
may be the Santa Stalker.
384
00:18:54,699 --> 00:18:58,368
That makes perfect sense.
385
00:18:58,369 --> 00:19:01,071
Mm-hm. Santa couldn't
come this year.
386
00:19:01,072 --> 00:19:02,973
Just wasn't safe.
387
00:19:02,974 --> 00:19:04,942
Maybe next year.
388
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:08,379
So... he's real?
389
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:13,083
Real as the Irish blood
charging through my veins.
390
00:19:13,084 --> 00:19:15,252
But Christmas
miracles only happen
391
00:19:15,253 --> 00:19:17,489
in the lies
adults tell to children.
392
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:23,294
And maybe
in Christmas specials.
393
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:26,430
Mr. Uberwitz put on
the play as scheduled.
394
00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:28,333
Not a single word was changed.
395
00:19:42,947 --> 00:19:45,116
And so, by some miracle,
396
00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:47,384
the world saw
my vision that night.
397
00:19:47,385 --> 00:19:48,885
The Adventures of Black Jesus
398
00:19:48,886 --> 00:19:51,555
received a 20-minute
standing ovation.
399
00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:54,325
It was called "a stunning
revolution in theatre"
400
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:56,327
by the Woodcrest Post Gazette.
401
00:19:56,328 --> 00:20:01,232
Unfortunately, the PTA protest
had gained some ground.
402
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,567
Seems that people
didn't care about my vision.
403
00:20:03,568 --> 00:20:06,370
They cared about seeing
their kids on stage.
404
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,372
Who knew?
405
00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:09,606
Yay, Huey!
406
00:20:09,607 --> 00:20:12,076
Yay!
407
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:17,347
Mr. Uberwitz was fired
for disobeying orders
408
00:20:17,348 --> 00:20:20,217
and for generally being
an irresponsible white person.
409
00:20:20,218 --> 00:20:22,352
Harambee!
410
00:20:22,353 --> 00:20:23,353
Harambee!
411
00:20:23,354 --> 00:20:24,454
Harambee!
412
00:20:24,455 --> 00:20:25,922
Harambee!
413
00:20:25,923 --> 00:20:27,658
He would later
become a professor
414
00:20:27,659 --> 00:20:31,028
of African American Studies
at the University of Maryland.
415
00:20:33,831 --> 00:20:36,666
No video exists of
the one-time-only performance
416
00:20:36,667 --> 00:20:39,270
of The Adventures
of Black Jesus.
417
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:43,106
Just as well.
I hate looking at my old work.
418
00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:50,182
Ahhh!
419
00:20:51,716 --> 00:20:54,551
I heard you work for Santa.
420
00:20:54,552 --> 00:20:56,353
I got a message for him.
421
00:20:56,354 --> 00:20:58,722
Tell him Riley said,
422
00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:01,692
I'll be waiting for his ass
next Christmas.
423
00:21:01,693 --> 00:21:04,294
And that nigga better pay
what he owe!
424
00:21:04,295 --> 00:21:05,363
Ow!
425
00:21:05,413 --> 00:21:09,963
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