All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e17 Partridge.eng

I'm looking for Ronald Ulysses Swanson?

He stepped out.
Can I take a message?

Sure. Tell him
he just won a free dinner

from St. Elmo steak house.

I'm Ron Swanson!

You've been served.
Have a nice day.

I don't like you.

But I respect the effort.

Oh, man, subpoena?

Which ex-wife is it,
Tammy one or Tammy two?

Neither.

Apparently councilman
Jeremy Jamm is not pleased

that I punched him in the face
on the night of Leslie's wedding.

He's suing me.

$13,000
for orthodontic surgery,

$6,000 for enamel repair,

and $46 million
for psychological damages.

Yeah, that seems
about accurate.

That guy is the worst.

We should sue Jamm's parents

for spawning
a human turdburger.

Ron, hey,
let me be your lawyer.

I'll object
to everything anyone says,

trial will go on forever,
you don't have to pay.

Problem solved.

That's a kind offer, Andrew,

but I won't be hiring
an attorney.

I'll represent myself,

as I do in all legal matters
and livestock auctions.

I wish we had $46 million.

We could buy my parents' house
and evict them.

Surprised he's taking it
this well.

Aghh!

April, could you
call maintenance please?

Parks and Recreation
S05E17 Partridge

Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, move a little bit
to your left

and then turn to the side.

Okay, and freeze.

That is the exact spot

where an 18-year-old
Ben Wyatt was inaugurated

as mayor of Partridge,
Minnesota.

Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, congratulations to you.

- I don't know.
- I have chills.

Can't believe they're finally
giving me the key to the city.

I can't believe
it took so long.

They gave the key to every other
mayor in the town's history,

and I guarantee that none of them
had as cute a butt as you do.

And none of them caused the city's
unemployment rate to hit 30%.

You're so sexy when you talk
about percentages.

When Ben was mayor,
he sunk all of the town's money

into a winter sports complex
called "Ice Town,"

and they went bankrupt.

Now they've invited him back
as a gesture of goodwill,

and he'll finally get some closure
on this miserable chapter in his life.

Yay, Ben!

Town hero!

- Yes!
- Whoo!

Well, if it isn't
the defendant, Ron Swansuck.

Why are you doing this, Jamm?

This lawsuit is
Chronicles of Riddick-ulous.

I'll tell you why.

It's 'cause I'm sick of
this whole Parks and Rec gang.

That's why.

This munch throws me
into a swimming pool.

The nurse still
won't have sex with me,

and she's not even queer.

Now Swansuck punches me
in the mouth.

It's what we
in the Jamm family call...

"Payback time."

Everyone calls it that.

Yeah, because I invented it.

Yeah, you're not gonna win
$50 million, you freak.

Maybe not,

but I'm not not going
to win nothing.

Paul.

That guy is a joke.

This lawsuit is definitely
getting thrown out.

I don't know, those are
Jean-Ralphio's lawyers.

They once got him $60,000

'cause he got too scared
at a haunted house.

Okay, are you done?
Are we done? Did we win?

- You can't win this.
- You can win at anything.

Last year I won
an organic gardening contest.

Who were you competing against?

My own taste buds.

I wanna have a baby, and Chris
has agreed to be the father.

My fertility counselor
showed me this online quiz

that determines whether
we'd be compatible parents.

If this were the '80s,
all we'd have to do is, like,

not drop an egg
for a whole day.

Stupid Internet.

Okay, our official
co-parenting score is...

58% compatibility.

Not amazing.

Oh, I think it's fantastic.

I think it's literally the best score
we could have hoped for.

- Not sure that that's true.
- Oh, snap!

I just filled it out for fun.

Chris and I are 81% compatible.

You wanna make a baby, traeger?

Your hair, my everything else.

That kid would be unstoppable.

Guys, I couldn't resist.
I did it too.

Ann and I got 84%.

- Well, this sucks.
- Yes, we did not win.

So was, like,
Ben a bossy older brother?

Did he make you watch
star war movies?

Make me?

I loved those movies
just as much as he did.

That's so cute.

Oh, you do a lot of hugging.

Yeah, get used to it.
We're sisters now.

Benji, I'm really glad
you came back for this.

A lot of jerks around here
didn't think you'd show up.

Well, I wasn't sure, but
Leslie gave me the extra push,

and I figured it'd be nice to put the ice
town thing behind me once and for all.

Now that you're both here,
let's get started.

Just have a few questions.

- You have a binder?
- That's right.

Who were
Ben's high school girlfriends,

and what base
do you think he got to?

- Um...
- What's that?

And what exactly
did you witness?

Defendant, alias Ron Swanson,

alias my boss,

used appropriate force
to prevent further damage

to the wedding of Leslie Knope,

alias my other boss.

You sound as if you have a
special interest in law enforcement.

Yes, sir.
In fact, at the time,

I was trying
to become a police officer

but was deemed
unfit for the force.

And what happened?

Don't know.

Well, I pooched the brain exam.

Just to be safe, I wouldn't take
anything I say too seriously.

Next witness, your honor.

Ms. Ludgate, have you
ever heard Mr. Swanson

threaten to hurt
councilman Jamm?

Ronny?
Are you kidding me?

I've never heard him threaten
to hurt anyone or anything.

The guy's, like, a vegetarian.

Look at him, he's like
a big, old, soft teddy bear.

His nickname around the office

is "Softy-Pants McHuggable."

Did you ever hear
Mr. Swanson

say he intended to injure
councilman Jamm

before the day of the wedding?

The answer is a flat "no."

Ron doesn't really pay
much attention to other people.

I doubt he even knew
you existed.

Also, may I say for the record,
that is a dope pocket square.

Can I see that bad boy?

Tom and April were excellent
witnesses in my defense.

Unfortunately, every single word
out of their mouths was a lie.

There's only one thing
I hate more than lying.

Skim milk.

Which is water that's lying
about being milk.

Despite everything
that happened 20 years ago,

this will always be
my hometown.

Are you crying again?

It's just every time
you say that speech,

I think about where you've been
and where you're going

and our future children
and America

and just our history
as a nation.

Wow, I didn't think
about all that,

but I thought it was good.
- Thanks, Steph.

Ah, I'm feeling sweaty.
Do I look swe--

I feel--oh, I need to use
the bathroom one more time.

That's, like,
five times in an hour.

Well, somebody's nervous
about the ceremony.

I don't blame him.

He didn't exactly leave Partridge
as the most popular guy in town.

Ben?

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

I think I'm giving birth.

Is that possible?
No, right?

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, God!

I'll call an ambulance.

Oh, God! It's twins!

- I'm having twins!
- Oh! Okay.

- Kidney stone?
- Big sucker too.

We're gonna have to keep him
here until it passes.

Leslie
and Dr. Clipperton...

Wow, man, I'm so glad
you guys are meeting.

It's like worlds collide.
You know, I love it.

I want candy.

What is he on?

Morphine.
It's good stuff.

Leslie, come here.

Do you have any idea
how beautiful you are?

I'm serious.
You're like a flower.

Or, no, like a snug-bug
or like a snugger-doodle

or something like that.

We should just go for it,
you know?

Life.

We have a ceremony
we need to be at in two hours.

Is there anything
that we can do?

Sorry, Ice Town, you're not going
anywhere for at least a day.

Okay, well,
I'll call mayor Stice,

and we'll reschedule
the ceremony.

No, this town expects me
to wuss out.

I'm making that speech,

and I'm simply gonna explain to
the crowd that love is everywhere

and they have to surrender to the
flow of the universe, you know?

Price Is Right is on, I think.

Oh, you remember staying home
sick from school...

watching the price is right?

Oh, God.

Look, I know that this
is just a silly quiz,

but it is so discouraging
to do so poorly.

Well, look, this is not the only way
to see if we would be good parents.

I know it's a little lame,

but I bought a dozen eggs
at the grocery store,

and I thought we could do that thing where
we pretend the egg is a kid for a day.

That's a great idea!

I don't see them.

Oh, my God.

- I left them at the grocery store.
- Oh, boy.

I bought 12 babies,

and then I immediately
abandoned them at a Kroger's.

Look, we can use
anything as a baby.

I mean, we could use this mug.

I don't understand.
I was great.

I was like Mark Z
in The Social "N."

My testimony was amazing
for your case.

But it wasn't the truth.

And neither was yours.

You even called me a...
vegetarian.

What if that testimony leaks?

How will people
ever respect me?

Ugh, whatever.
The truth is stupid.

I only tell the truth when it
makes me sound like I'm lying.

Yeah, lying is all I know.

It's how I was able to scrape by
on the streets of Bombay

and make it on the Indian version
of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

and get reunited
with the love of my life,

Latika.

You could both take
a lesson from Andrew.

He told the truth
about everything he was asked,

even when it was
humiliating for him.

That's right.
I love telling the truth.

Case in point,

sometimes when I blow my nose,
I get a boner.

I don't know why.
It just happens.

Truth bomb.

I'm gonna call you both
back in that room,

and you'll recant
your testimony.

- No!
- You committed perjury.

But more importantly,
you've dishonored yourselves.

Oh, brother.

They are so young.

So much to learn.

- What are you talking about?
- I know, right?

Wisdom.

Sick?

Do you really expect me to believe that?
What has he got, acute wimping out?

No, he has kidney stones.
We have proof.

Yeah, I took a video of him
at the hospital an hour ago.

I feel like I never gave
miles Davis proper shrift.

Like, I just didn't
get into it.

But the good news is I'm here
to accept the key on his behalf.

Boy, it's just a real shame

it had to happen today
of all days.

Damn it!

Excuse me.

Hi.
Everything okay?

You want me to come back
to the hospital?

Pfft, nah.
I'm goodie goodie.

You just do your thing,
baby smurf.

I mean, I wish you were here.

It seems pretty fun
and festive.

Town mascot is here.

Fred the Sled?

They only bring him out
for special occasions.

I can't believe they're doing
all this for me.

The universe is love.

Okay, stay away
from sharp things.

Well, well, well,

heard you want to recant
your earlier statements.

Yes, I misremembered
some things.

I did in fact hear
Ron Swanson say

he intended to injure
Jeremy Jamm.

Boom, knew it.

- Tell us about it, please.
- Which time?

Well, how many were there?

Well...

Yeah, we did a trade.

I gave his wife new enamels,

he gave my wife new yabbos.

Who's that gentleman?

Jeremy Jamm, city councilman.

- You don't know him?
- Never met him.

He looks like he could use a swift
punch in the face though.

Yes!

And then before he can say anything,
I just run over, shove him into the pool.

Bully for you.

If it were me, I would have
just punched him in the face.

What's up, Ron?

Just daydreaming
about punching Jamm in the face.

And there were
a few other times too.

- We get the picture, son.
- Hold on.

We need your full,
truthful testimony on record.

Keep going, Tom.

But now, 20 years later,

the city has finally healed

from the festering wound
of Ice Town.

Today we put those horribly
painful memories behind us

as we welcome back the mayor
who made all of that possible,

Ben Wyatt.

Oh, that's a typo.
That's a major typo.

That says "Ice Clown."

I'm just realizing now
that's not a typo.

Hey, aren't you his sister?

I gotta get outta here.

Good luck, Leslie.

Here to accept the key
to the city of Partridge,

because Mr. Wyatt
is conveniently ill,

is his wife Leslie Knope.

And it's water.

Uhoh, the key was made of ice.

And much like the hopes and dreams
of the people of Partridge,

it melted away.

Again, this would all be way
more satisfying if Ben was here.

Okay, excuse me.

I would like to point out
that we drove

all the way here
from Pawnee, Indiana,

a city with some class,
by the way.

And, sure, my husband made
an honest mistake 20 years ago.

But it was very meaningful
that you were gonna finally...

- Hi, Leslie.
- Be able to forgive him.

If it's so meaningful to him,
then where is he?

He's in the hospital, sir.

He has a calcified rock
lodged in his penis!

Frankly, Ben Wyatt is the best thing
to ever come out of this crap town.

Oh, yeah?
What about Judy Garland?

Judy Garland's from Partridge?

She lived here for a while.

And Lee Janzen.

Who's Lee Janzen?

He's a golfer.
He's pretty good.

Well, Ben Wyatt's
better than Lee Janzen,

and he's better
than Judy Garland.

That's crazy.
Judy Garland's amazing.

But Ben Wyatt is better than all of you
because he cared about this town,

and he tried to help it.

You know, screw you, Partridge.

And a sled is a stupid mascot.

Thank you, Ms. Ludgate.

It is now quite clear
that on innumerable occasions

Ron Swanson said he intended
to punch councilman Jamm

in the face, and then he did.

Yeah, but who cares?

He says a lot of things.

He's always talking about
overthrowing the government,

but he never does that.

Well, that'll make
a nice pull quote

for the article about me
taking you to the cleaners.

Mr. Swanson, if you'd like
to make a statement, you may.

On the night I punched
councilman Jamm in the face,

I warned him several times
to back off.

And instead,
he attacked me twice.

Truthfully, I barely
registered his attack.

He's incredibly frail,
and his arms are weak.

And when I punched him,
he dropped so quickly,

I thought he was diving
towards the ground.

I regret nothing.
The end.

Well, this turned out better
than I ever imagined.

You got Jammed
by your own team.

Self-Jamm!

I'll see you in court, Swanson,

and, uh, bring your checkbook.

I would like to punch you
in the face again.

Okay, Paul, let's go.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Well,
get your normal conversation

in with me while you can.

Got about 20 minutes
before I get all loopy again.

Mm, let me see the key.

Oh, uh, they took it back.

They wanted to get it engraved.

Huh.

You know,
the key is just a metaphor.

I mean, the real key has been
inside you all along.

It was a setup, wasn't it?

They were gonna make fun of me?

Yes.

Ice Town was a debacle.
They'll never get over it.

Just don't know
why I got my hopes up.

It's so unfair.
You worked so hard.

You've done
so many great things.

And for your hometown
to treat you this way is just--

You know what, screw this.

We're gonna make one more stop
before we leave.

Tuck in your shirt.
We're going to city hall.

So, Dr. Van Dyne, we took
the compatibility test

that you recommended,
and we didn't do amazing.

But I'm sure that happens
with a lot of couples, right?

And it's not like we failed.

We got a 58%,

which as I'm saying it, sounds
very clearly like we failed.

Look, there are many ways
to judge compatibility.

Okay, you know what,
let's do a little exercise.

I'm gonna say something
about your future child,

and then you just say the first thing
that pops into your mind.

Okay?
Gender.

- Girl.
- Boy.

Okay.
Religion.

- Buddhist.
- Whatever he wants.

Whatever he wants.

Um, how 'bout occupation?

- Teacher.
- Sixtime tour de France champion.

Really?

Okay, I'm sorry,
are you guys complete strangers?

Is this one of those
craigslist father situations?

No, no, no.

We actually know each other
quite well.

Yeah, we used to date actually,

but it didn't work out

because we had
some compatibility issues.

You know what, why don't we just
try one more compatibility test?

- Great, let's do it!
- No, let's not.

Okay, well,
we all told the truth,

and Jamm's definitely
going to win.

What do we do now?

I intend to do
as the court orders.

Do you know if one can pay
court-ordered settlements in gold?

All of my money's in gold.

I also have some money
in palladium.

What if it's a huge amount?
Are you gonna be okay financially?

I think so.

I'm actually not sure
how much money I have.

But I do know how many pounds
of money I have.

Whoa, whoa, that is awesome.

Yes, it is, and I'm definitely
tweeting that to Drake

to use in his next rhymes,

but still I kinda feel
like this is our fault.

Ugh, do we have to do
something nice now?

Let me start by apologizing,
mayor Stice.

I had no right
to disparage your town.

Well, I owe you guys
an apology too.

I, uh, had a little
bad publicity lately,

and frankly, it's still really easy
to score points by bashing Wyatt.

Can't you just give Ben
a key to the city,

here, now, in your office,

where no one
will know your shame?

- Sorry, babe.
- No worries.

I love you.

Aw.

You know, if people found out

I gave Wyatt
the key to the city,

I would never
get re-elected.

So...

no.

What are you doing there,
Wyatt?

I'm feeding your eagle.

He's starving.

It's... it's bronze, babe.

- Why?
- The eagle--

We should go.
- Yeah.

Ann Perkins.

I know it didn't seem to go
very well at the counselor's.

But I have found a new quiz,

and I think we should take it.

Are you sure?

Everything we do makes it seem like it's
a bad idea for us to have a kid together.

Maybe we shouldn't even
be friends.

Take a look.

"Will you love our child

and work hard to see
that he or she has a good life?"

You see, I think that's
the only question that matters.

All the rest of it is details.

Yes.

The answer is yes.

I said the exact same thing.

We're 100% on the same page.

Are you sure about this?

You are caring,

intelligent,

and reliable.

And I am certain
that you will literally be

the world's best mom.

Wow.
This is really happening.

- You know there's nothing in there
yet, right? - Yes, sorry.

No, I was with Johnny Cougar
Mellencamp at that music fest.

We both thought, biggest yabbos
we've ever seen in--

What the hell?
That was important.

Game's over, councilman.

Drop the suit.

And why exactly
would I do that?

We took a look
at your affidavit.

We cross-referenced it
with telephone records

and eyewitness accounts,

and, uh-oh,
we found 11 lies.

Lying under oath
is called perjury,

and they should know,
they did it yesterday.

Well, I mean,
maybe I accidentally

said something that wasn't--

Let me see that.

Ow!
My wrist!

You twisted my arm
like a maniac!

- Oh, no!
- You monster.

Ow!

You assaulted me,
and I'm injured!

Oh, my God, Tom, are you okay?

All right, you know what,
I see what you're doing.

I barely touched you.

That's not what I saw.

My face!
Is my face still there?

What happened to my knees?

Someone please tell me
if Tom is okay.

- Jamm, I'm gonna sue you.
- Okay, fine.

Hey, listen, keep your mouths
shut about the affidavit,

I'll drop the suit, okay?

Hurry, Tom,
let's get you into surgery!

Yeah.

Yeah, it's me.

We got Jammed.

My friend Jack and I used to
fish this lake in the summer.

One time,
our boat almost tipped over,

but then it didn't.

That's not a great story.

Yeah, I had
a pretty uneventful childhood.

I got you something.

- No way.
- Yeah.

Where did you get that?

I stole it
from mayor Stice's office.

Screw that guy.
You should have it.

You're the best wife
in the world.

But I don't want this.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I love Partridge,

but I have Pawnee now.

And I have you.

Well, I'm not giving it
back to Stice.

- That guy sucks.
- Yeah.

Well, you know what then?

Hey, lake's not
a garbage can, pal.

Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.

Is that Ben Wyatt?

Get the hell out of here,
Ice Town!

- Run! Run!
- Go, go, go, go, go.

Sorry.

Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com

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