All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e09 Ron and Diane.eng

Merry Congratu-Christmas!

- What?
- Half "Merry Christmas,"

half "Congratulations,"

because
I just received some news.

You, Ron Swanson,
have been nominated for an award

from the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Association.

How did you hear
about that?

I've had
a "Ron Swanson" Google alert

for seven years
and it finally paid off.

Recently,
I made a chair.

When I was finished,
I thought it was a good chair.

I submitted it to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Association,

who felt it merited
consideration for an award.

It's been a real whirlwind.

I have to confess,

I'm very honored
by this nomination.

Right?

This might be
the first time

I've ever wanted
to attend an event.

Oh, my God,
I love events!

I can't wait
to go tonight.

Why are you going?

As your self-appointed
emotional guardian,

it is my duty
to love and support you.

Plus, you know,
this is a big deal.

You shouldn't
be there alone.

That's correct.
I'm bringing Diane.

Things are going
very well with us.

Even better.
I am very excited to meet Diane.

You're not taking "no"
for an answer, are you?

Oh, I forgot
to sing you

my merry Congratu-Christmas
carol.

- Get out.
- Yup.

How about the new sushi place
in Eagleton?

I'm allergic
to sushi.

Every time I eat
more than 80 sushis, I barf.

Hey, Ann, you been to
any swanky restaurants lately?

- What's the occasion?
- It's December.

It's the time
we celebrate

our most sacred
and special event:

-
Jerry Dinner
-
Jerry Dinner

what the hell
is Jerry Dinner?

Every time we laugh
at something stupid Jerry does,

we put a dollar
in this box.

At the end of the year,
we take all the cash

and treat ourselves
to a fancy dinner.

This year, we have...

$516.

Aw, jeez!

And that's 517.

Oh!

518.

You guys,
that's so mean.

It's not mean
if he doesn't know about it.

It's like talking about people
behind their backs.

- Everybody wins.
- No.

You should at least
invite Jerry to the dinner.

Ha!

That's hilarious.
You should do stand-up.

If you're kidding, you suck,
but if you're serious,

I actually have been
thinking about it.

Hey, April, Matlock called.
He wants his cardigan back.

Boom! I'm out.

Who's Matlock?

Hey, bud.

- Hey!
- How are you?

Great. I just finished making
an entry in my dream journal.

This time, the giant spider
got caught in my web.

Progress.

So I feel like we haven't
gotten a ton of time together

since I got back
from D.C.

Well, we both
are in serious relationships.

You have Leslie
and I have my therapist,

Dr. Richard Nygard,
who I see 15 times a week.

Well, Leslie has plans
tonight, so I'm solo.

- You wanna hang out?
- I'd love to.

It--it'll be just like
old times in Indianapolis.

- We're back.
- All right.

Lots of hugs.

Welcome to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Awards,

or as I like to call it,
heaven.

- Ron.
- Ah!

Leslie, may I present
Diane Lewis?

- Oh.
- Diane, this is Leslie Knope.

Diane, wow. Ron has told me
so much about you,

in that he has told me your name
is Diane, and you exist.

Oh, yeah.

He's not
a big sharer.

I don't even know
what his middle name is.

Oh, it's Ulysses.

I can see
why he didn't tell me that.

Mary, mother of God.

That's
Christian Becksvoort!

He's the modern master
of the Shaker style.

I never dreamed that I would
see him in the flesh.

Go over
and say hello.

No, I'm sure he gets swamped
with attention all the time.

Ooh, if you ladies
will excuse me,

there is a jack plane
that needs my attention.

Go on then.

So tell me
everything about yourself:

Your kids,
your hobbies.

What are
your five biggest hopes,

dreams, fears,
and regrets?

In honor
of Jerry Dinner,

let's each say our favorite
Jerry moment from the past year.

- Yes.
- Mine was...

The time
he slipped on a cinnabon

and landed
in a bunch of garbage.

My favorite Jerry moment
was when he ate a bowl of glue.

My favorite Jerry moment
is when

you switched out his potato soup
with glue and he didn't know.

You're so cute

when you're bullying,
babe.

You know what?
Ann was right.

This is mean.
We are going to pick up Jerry.

- What?
- No!

It's Christmastime. Don't you
want to be good people?

- Not really.
- Never.

Hey,
if we're going that way,

can we stop at our place
real quick?

'Cause I forgot
to put on deodorant.

And a jacket
and one of my socks.

Plus, I gotta poop, but
I could stop anywhere for that.

I know you didn't, but if you
had gone to Hogwarts Academy,

which House do you think
you would have been?

Look, obviously,

I want to say Gryffindor...

But I've got to go
with Hufflepuff.

I respect
your honesty.

Gryffindor.
Seeker on the Quidditch team.

Diane, that's my chair,
right there.

It's beautiful, Ron.
Yours is the winner.

I'm not sure
I stand a chance.

Hey,
you most certainly do.

They'd be crazy
not to vote for you.

Which one is Ron's?

I don't know.

Smart, funny,
independent, and sexy?

Diane Lewis?
More like Diane Sawyer.

Whoa! What is going on
at the Gergiches?

Whoa.

Oh, my God! Jerry's having
a Christmas party!

I can't believe
he didn't invite us.

How dare he!

What'd we ever
do to him?

It's probably
just family.

And Ben and Chris.

And Ann. I didn't even know
she knew Jerry.

Wow. The Gergiches
really go all out.

This is incredible.

Mmm!
This is literally

the best non-fat eggnog
I've ever had.

Remain calm,
but I think you just drank

some of the regular,
full-fat eggnog.

Chris,
one cup won't kill you.

No, but it will add
exactly 440 calories.

But you know what?
I'm fine.

You only live once.

Mmm! I don't know
if you know this,

but things
with fat in them

taste way better
than things with no fat.

Yeah, Chris--
everybody knows that.

Ron, guess
why my thumbs are up.

No.

Because I'm giving you
my 100% approval about Diane.

She is perfect for you.
She gets you.

She is at the bar right
now ordering a Lagavulin, neat

for you. I mean,
she's even putting up

with all this stupid,
boring woodworking stuff.

I'm sorry, but, you know,
it's not the Super Bowl, guys.

Let's take it down
a notch.

Anyway,
you have my approval.

I don't need
your approval.

- But you have it.
- Don't need it.

But you got it.

This could
end up being

the best night
in Ron Swanson's life.

I am so, so happy
for him--

Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen.

Wow,
look at this room.

So much wood,
ready to be worked.

[Bleep] me!

Alert...
alert, alert, alert.

She's here, isn't she?

Oh, hey, Ron.
What a coincidence.

Gosh, I never dreamed
you'd be here.

Tammy,
this is Diane.

Diane, this is a piece
of human garbage named Tammy,

who is also
my ex-wife.

Twice ex-wife.
We were married twice.

And divorced twice.

Everything is done.
They are totally done.

Tammy,
what are you doing here?

Oh, I just have a little
something I need to get drilled.

Can I speak with you
for a moment?

Everything's fine,
we're just gonna chat.

Shouldn't you be at the library,
forcing people to borrow books?

Leslie,
you and I both know

that the library closes
at 3:00 p.m.

Of course it does.

Besides, I like
to keep tabs on Ron.

So you can ruin
his life?

So I can have fun
with him,

and sometimes ruining his life
can be a part of that, sure.

This may be
the hardest challenge yet

for Leslie Knope,
emotional guardian.

I need to protect
a sweet couple

from a sex-crazed
demon librarian

who makes me question my stance
on using the "B" word.

I don't know,
maybe just this once.

No, Leslie, fight it.
Fight it.

It looks warm in there!

Warm and happy.

Mm, look at
that gingerbread man.

What? I don't see
any gingerbread cookies.

I'm talking about that
jacked-up, light-skinned dude.

Look like
Blake Griffin.

You guys!

There's a buffet--
in the house!

I didn't even know
you could do that!

We need
to crash this party.

Ann, let us in.

Let's go.

Well, well, well.

You want to come
into Jerry's party?

And why is that?

I need a place
to deliver this baby, Ann.

It's coming out of me right now.
I'm pregnant.

This is a lovely party

thrown by a lovely man
and his lovely family.

There's no place
for meanies.

Aw, forget it,
I'm coming in.

Ow!

- Get off me.
- Wait.

You're so weak, really?

I mean,

I'm barely even
doing anything.

Are you iron-deficient?
Let me look at your palm.

Ow. It's because
of your man strength,

Man Perkins.

Let us in, Ann.

It's cold outside,
and I can't wear mittens

'cause they're unflattering
to my hands.

Sorry, guys.
This is your penance.

You can come in if you
do something nice for Jerry.

Hey, I already
did something nice for Jerry.

I drove here
to take him to Jerry Dinner.

Oh, Donna.
You can come in.

Okay.

What? What about us?

- What? Donna!
- Merry critches, bitches!

Donna, don't leave us!
Donna?

Oh, well, whatever.

It's Jerry's party.
How cool could it be?

Santa!

- They have a Santa!
- Oh, my God.

- What?
- Aw!

Welcome to the Indiana Fine
Woodworking Association Awards.

I'm your host,
Martin Housely,

and wow,
it's gonna be a great show--

knock on wood.

- That's good.
- Oh, my gosh.

What a coinky-dinky. Look,
we're sitting at the same table!

Tammy,
this table is reserved.

A guy traded me his seat
for a peek and a squeeze.

That's my boob and my butt,
respectively.

Remember that, Ron?

Subtle.

Well, you know, they asked me
if I would host this event,

and I said, "Would I?"

Ben, come meet
Jerry's wife.

Gayle?

- Happy holidays, Chris.
- It's so good to see you.

I have someone
I'd like you to meet.

I'm Gayle Gergich.

Gayle--
you're Gayle?

Jerry's
beautiful wife...

- Oh.
- Who looks like that.

Gayle, I hope you're not

in any way uncomfortable
that I'm here,

- since I dated your daughter.
- Oh, not at all.

You're welcome here
any time.

Oops, there's a little hair
on your shoulder.

Oh.

Well, look who's a silver fox.

Will you look at that?

I'm sorry,
you're okay?

You don't feel like
your body is in decay

or death
is inevitable?

My, my. Somebody's
being a gloomy goose.

Yeah.
Relax, gloomy goose.

Welcome, everybody,
to another Gergich Christmas.

Sadly, one of our
three beautiful angels,

Millicent,
couldn't be here tonight,

but our other two beauties--
Miriam and Gladys--

are going to help Gayle
and me play a little tune.

-
here we come a-wandering,
so fair to be seen

I'm going to
call a cab.

Why does everyone act
like Jerry's the victim here?

He's the one
that didn't invite us

to his Christmas party.

- Jerry Filter!
- Jerry Filter!

Who's Jerry Filter?

Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends
a lot of annoying emails.

So a while ago, I put
a filter on all our accounts.

Everything from Jerry
goes directly to spam.

A-a-and...

Here's our invitation.

There's three years
of nice messages on here.

"Congratulations
on your wedding.

I'm rooting for you kids.
Jerry."

"Hope you have
the best birthday, Tom."

I just tied my high score
in Snake.

Our next award
is for "Achievement in Chairs."

The nominees are:
Asa Christiana for chair,

Ron Swanson for chair,

- H.W. Davenport for chair.
- So exciting, Ron.

Okay, Ron,
this is your moment.

Tune her out.
She's not even here.

And the winner is...

Ron Swanson for chair.

Oh, wow! Whoo!

This award is the only one
I'd ever give a damn about.

I made my first chair
when I was five,

but the quality of the wood
was wanting,

so when I turned nine,
I used my factory wages

to purchase
some beautiful local walnut.

Uh, thank you...
for this...

Uh, this all good--
night good.

Uh...

There it is.

Hey, you're looking
at a picture of Millie.

You want to take off,
grab some vegan fries?

She really
was delightful.

I truly wish her
all the best.

Man, maybe going to therapy
1,000 times a week is helping.

I mean, if you'd seen
that picture a month ago,

you would have
fallen apart.

It's just a picture.

- Millie!
- Hi, mom!

We wanted to surprise you
and come home early.

Oh, hey, Chris.

Hi.

Let's take a moment now
to remember

those woodworkers
who are no longer with us,

and the beautiful coffins
they all designed themselves.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Have you seen Ron?

He disappeared after the speech
and I can't find him anywhere.

Diane-- ugh.
The stuff with Tammy

is so complex and weird
and gross.

It just would probably be better
if you let me handle it.

I'm not worried
about Tammy.

I mean, I'm a middle school
vice-principal.

I deal with hormonal psychopaths
all the time.

Oh, great. Good.

- What concerns me is you.
- You who?

- You you.
- You me?

You're the one who's been
at his side all night.

You're the one
who's been protecting him,

you're the one who knows
all the intimate details

of his romantic history
with that monster.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Diane, you misunderstand.

I'm happily engaged.

You and Ron have an intimacy
that I just don't understand,

so if there is a threat
to my relationship with Ron,

it's not Tammy.
It's you.

Okay, folks,
fasten your seatbelts.

It's the big one:
Best Desk.

Where's Diane?
I need her.

- She left.
- Of course.

Tammy ruins everything.

No, she left
because of me.

She's threatened
by our relationship.

That's ridiculous.

I don't think of you
romantically.

You're pro-government,
you never stop talking,

and you have blonde hair.
You're my worst nightmare.

Excuse me,
one man's "worst nightmare"

is every other man's
"total package."

But the point is,
I don't think it's about dating.

I kind of see
where Diane is coming from.

We are close friends, and
I'm very involved in your life.

I wouldn't say
we're close.

By Swanson standards,
we're close.

I know
when your birthday is.

So does Baskin-Robbins.

I know that you
secretly love artichokes

- and plums.
- Keep your voice down, woman!

Fine, we're friends.
So what do I do?

Tammy's waiting for me
in my car.

I think you should take my car
and go get Diane,

and I will
handle Tammy.

Thank you.

Protect your eyes,
she's a gouger.

Good to know.

Chris, I'd like you
to meet my fiance, Carl.

- Well.
- Hi, there.

Hi.
How did you two meet?

Whitewater rafting.

He was
the young rafting instructor

all the girls
were into,

and I was
the young rafting instructor

all the guys were into...

And then we got together.

Ah, so random, right?

What a story! I felt like
my heart was whitewater rafting.

Well, I won't keep you guys.

It's good to see you.
Mwah.

Oh, little tip,
there is fat in the eggnog.

Okay.

So how'd it go?
You okay?

I'm fine.

If therapy
has taught me anything,

it's that I need
to face my fears,

even when my fears
are engaged to a man

with the chiseled jawline
of a young me.

Thank you, Ben.

Thank me?
For what?

For looking out for me
tonight.

You're a good friend.

Hey...

So Gayle and Jerry--

I've thought about it a lot.
There's no logical explanation.

Well, hello there,
Big B--

Gross! Leslie?
Where's Ron?

Too late, Tammy.
Ron's gone.

You'll never get him back.

Wanna bet?
That relationship is weak.

All I have to do is find Ron
within the next few hours,

and he's toast.

Few hours, you say?

Leslie!

Stop this car!
Where are we going?

I don't know.

You're gonna
regret this!

Well, hello again.

You ready
to be nice to Jerry?

Because it's so cold
out here,

it reminds me
of my wife's lasagna.

I actually
like that one.

Hey, guys!
I thought you weren't coming.

I--you know,
never got your RSVP.

Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift.
Merry Christmas.

Yeah, just--

we took up a collection
to pay your hospital bills,

since you almost
farted yourself to death.

Every time
we did something mean,

we put a dollar
in a box.

Wow. I'm the luckiest man
on earth.

Okay, well, come on in!
It's a party.

Uh--
Oh, jeez.

- Give me the keys!
- No!

- Give 'em to me!
- Never!

Hey,
game over, Tammy.

- What? You--!
- Ah!

I'm going in!

Oh, my God,
I am so turned on right now.

What is wrong
with you?

Oh, yeah, tell me
you're not feeling this.

You are so crazy!

I got 'em!

- I got 'em.
- No!

- No!
- Ah!

You'll never catch me!

Come back here-- Ow!

You are not

gonna ruin this night!

- Get away from this car!
- No!

What are you doing?

You're crazy!

Ron! Ron!
Ha!

You're too late!

No! No, no, no, no, no, no!

She just knows you so well,
and I was starting to wonder

if I was ever
gonna get to that point.

I'm worried
that maybe

there isn't room in your life
for another woman.

At this very moment,
Leslie is throwing herself

in front of a freight train
named Tammy for me and you.

Leslie is a wonderful,
loyal friend,

who is very important
in my life,

but I would sooner
visit Europe

than have something romantic
happen between us.

Although,
if you'd like to visit Europe,

I like you so much,
I'd be willing to risk it.

But not France,
right?

God, no.

See? You know me
pretty well already,

but you're about to
get to know me even better.

I brought you here because
I want to show you something

that almost no one
knows about--

certainly not Tammy,
and not even Leslie Knope.

Ladies and gentleman,
and especially the ladies,

put your hands together
for the one, the only,

my man,
Mr. Duke Silver.

A mighty fine holiday evening
to you all.

- Yeah.
- It might be cold outside,

but it's about to get warm
all up in my jazz.

I, of course,
am Duke Silver,

and I would like
to dedicate this first song...

To my duchess.

You're so lucky.

I'm going to kill you.

I think it's time
to officially retire

as Ron's emotional guardian.
That's Diane's job now,

and she seems
more than up to the task.

I mean,
I'd do anything for Ron--

even spend a whole night
fighting his crazy ex-wife.

But I think I'm safe.
She's gotta be tired by now.

Hi.

- Officer Skorggel.
- I pulled over

a Tammy Swanson
for driving erratically.

Ran the plates,
saw it was your car.

Figured it was stolen.

Hey, Ron, why don't you
get me out of these handcuffs,

so I can put you
into these handcuffs.

Yes, please officer,
get her out of those cuffs.

I want this
to be a fair fight.

Officer, did you see
any sign of a passenger?

Ron!

There we go.

Hey!

Help.

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