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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:07,950
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:11,360
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,320
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:17,780
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,830 --> 00:00:21,380
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,410 --> 00:00:22,870
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,910 --> 00:00:24,460
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?
11
00:00:36,890 --> 00:00:38,350
Joe, why don't you shut the...
12
00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:41,100
Tell me more
about this silly word.
13
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:42,890
It's this website, Zillow.com.
14
00:00:42,930 --> 00:00:45,100
You plug in your address,
and it gives you an estimate
15
00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:46,400
of what your house is worth.
16
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,980
But they call it a Zestimate,
17
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,610
because of the "Z" in "Zillow."
18
00:00:51,190 --> 00:00:52,860
How do they...
19
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:55,820
I just don't have
that creative bone.
20
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,200
Wow, my house is way up
from when I bought it.
21
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,240
- Mine's up, too.
- What the hell?
22
00:01:00,290 --> 00:01:03,500
Mine's way below
what you guys's are worth.
23
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,000
Wait, this-this can't be right.
24
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,000
It says... it says
my house is a murder house.
25
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,540
What, like-like someone
was killed there?
26
00:01:10,590 --> 00:01:12,880
Yeah, it says...
it says, in the '60s,
27
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,880
some woman named Doris
Billingsly died in my house.
28
00:01:15,930 --> 00:01:17,270
Probably some naggy bitch,
right?
29
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:18,840
- Joseph!
- You know, they say
30
00:01:18,890 --> 00:01:21,500
when someone dies violently
like that,
31
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- their spirit can linger.
- What do you mean?
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I'm saying you might have
a g-g-g-g-g...
33
00:01:26,140 --> 00:01:28,480
disembodied spirit
in your house!
34
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:29,980
Wow, this is so cool.
35
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,320
Have you ever witnessed
anything strange there?
36
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,650
Actually,
now that you mention it...
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Good news!
38
00:01:36,570 --> 00:01:38,360
The biopsy was negative.
39
00:01:39,410 --> 00:01:41,410
Did you hear something?
40
00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:46,370
♪ ♪
41
00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:54,900
Hi, Chris.
42
00:01:54,130 --> 00:01:56,100
Oh, hey, Kristen.
What's up?
43
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:57,920
Not much.
I wanted to know
44
00:01:57,970 --> 00:01:59,760
if you're gonna go
to the dance on Friday.
45
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,600
Nah, probably not.
46
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,100
Oh, that's too bad.
47
00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:06,350
I was thinking maybe
you and I could go together.
48
00:02:06,390 --> 00:02:08,850
Oh, that's sweet,
but, like I said,
49
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I-I don't think I'm gonna go.
50
00:02:11,270 --> 00:02:12,900
Well, if you change your mind...
51
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I said no!
52
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Okay. Geez.
53
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:16,860
Bye, Chris.
54
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:19,860
Uh, Chris,
that very attractive girl
55
00:02:19,910 --> 00:02:22,300
just asked you out,
and you said no.
56
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,000
Well, sorry, Brian,
she just doesn't do it for me.
57
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:25,990
I'm hungry.
58
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,000
I might grab a bite to eat.
59
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,460
We all just ate, right?
60
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:31,400
What's wrong with that kid?
61
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:32,560
Why wouldn't he go out
with that girl?
62
00:02:32,590 --> 00:02:33,470
Who knows? Maybe he's gay.
63
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,750
What? No.
64
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,590
Well, you never know.
I say we find out.
65
00:02:36,630 --> 00:02:38,100
You think he could be?
66
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:39,890
Hey, I've been right
about these things before.
67
00:02:39,930 --> 00:02:42,220
Remember what I said in 2009?
68
00:02:42,260 --> 00:02:44,220
- Bruce Jenner is a man.
- No, Brian.
69
00:02:44,260 --> 00:02:46,720
That's what the press would
have you believe, but he's not.
70
00:02:46,770 --> 00:02:48,480
Bruce Jenner is a woman.
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00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:52,560
An elegant,
beautiful Dutch woman.
72
00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:03,410
Okay, guys, now, the murder took
place down here in the basement,
73
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:06,540
so it's probably our best shot
at finding something.
74
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:09,120
I do feel a presence in the air.
75
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:13,250
Only Lucifer would
reveal himself to you, adulterer.
76
00:03:13,290 --> 00:03:15,380
Well, now, I have
to warn you fellas...
77
00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:19,210
The only spirits I'm used to
chasing are whiskey and tequila.
78
00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:25,850
That's so Joe!
79
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:31,140
Wow, what's going on down here?
80
00:03:31,190 --> 00:03:32,530
Trying something new for Joe.
81
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,350
And we're looking for ghosts.
82
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,110
We're like the male version
of the female Ghostbusters.
83
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,400
Peter, there's no such thing
as ghosts.
84
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,530
I don't know why you guys
listen to a word he says.
85
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,160
That's so Lois.
86
00:03:47,990 --> 00:03:49,450
All right, we ready?
87
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,300
Wow, it is creepy.
88
00:03:51,330 --> 00:03:52,580
So, what do we do?
89
00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:54,400
Just follow my lead.
90
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:55,880
Are there any spirits present
91
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,170
that would like
to communicate with us?
92
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,420
What the hell was that?
93
00:04:03,590 --> 00:04:06,180
I got scared and tried to run
through the wall,
94
00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:08,310
leaving a hole shaped like me.
95
00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:10,890
Yeah, can't do that
in a basement, bud.
96
00:04:13,690 --> 00:04:16,480
All right, fellas, I just
finished up an EVP session.
97
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,230
Let's see
if we picked anything up.
98
00:04:18,270 --> 00:04:19,110
What's EVP?
99
00:04:19,150 --> 00:04:20,940
Electronic voice phenomenon.
100
00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:23,710
Oftentimes, the human ear
can't pick up paranormal sounds,
101
00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:25,990
but electronic
recording devices can.
102
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,700
Mm. That right?
103
00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:44,760
Is this whole thing just you
beefing into the microphone?
104
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,340
Yeah.
105
00:04:46,390 --> 00:04:50,650
Dad, they did this bit
in the lady Ghostbusters.
106
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,850
Did you hear something?
107
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,660
Stewie, I'm telling you,
there's no way Chris is gay.
108
00:04:59,690 --> 00:05:01,270
Oh, why,
because he never hit on you?
109
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,610
God, the ego.
110
00:05:04,490 --> 00:05:06,700
Hey, Chris. What's up?
111
00:05:06,110 --> 00:05:08,990
Just relaxing, listening to some
of Charles Manson's music.
112
00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,580
What's up with you guys?
113
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:12,950
Actually, Brian and I
are taking a survey,
114
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,900
and we wanted to see
if you had a few minutes.
115
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,800
Sure. Go ahead.
116
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:17,370
Okay, question one.
117
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:19,630
What night are the Tony Awards?
118
00:05:19,670 --> 00:05:22,210
Tony Danza has awards?
119
00:05:24,220 --> 00:05:26,520
Name an appropriate price
to pay for jeans.
120
00:05:26,550 --> 00:05:28,930
Um, five dollars?
121
00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:32,100
What year
did Bette Midler release
122
00:05:32,140 --> 00:05:33,600
"You've Got to Have Friends"?
123
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,770
Oh, 1972.
124
00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:39,480
And it was fabulous!
125
00:05:44,150 --> 00:05:45,110
Chris, are you gay?
126
00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:47,490
What? No, I'm not gay.
127
00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:49,410
Well, then why didn't you go out
with that girl?
128
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:50,950
Why would I?
129
00:05:50,990 --> 00:05:54,790
I have everything I need in
that department on my computer.
130
00:05:54,830 --> 00:05:58,790
You have 28 windows of porn
playing simultaneously?
131
00:05:58,830 --> 00:06:02,250
Sometimes I pretend I'm
at the security desk at the mall
132
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:05,140
and everyone at the mall
is banging each other.
133
00:06:05,170 --> 00:06:06,590
Chris, don't you see?
134
00:06:06,630 --> 00:06:08,930
You're so desensitized
by all this porn,
135
00:06:08,970 --> 00:06:10,930
you're-you're not
even interested in actual girls.
136
00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:12,760
Wh-What are you doing?
137
00:06:12,810 --> 00:06:14,996
I'm taking this, and we are
gonna help you start thinking
138
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,680
about sex
like a normal teenager.
139
00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:18,350
A-All right,
I'll give it a shot.
140
00:06:18,390 --> 00:06:19,980
But it's not gonna be easy.
141
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,610
I had a hell of a time
getting off sugar.
142
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:24,700
Chris, can you pass the syrup?
143
00:06:24,110 --> 00:06:26,700
Oh, you want the syrup,
old man?!
144
00:06:31,370 --> 00:06:32,670
Yeah!
145
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,160
Yeah, nice attached head, Meg.
146
00:06:38,210 --> 00:06:40,380
Body, throw potatoes.
147
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,290
Winner declared!
148
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:49,420
Okay, guys, now, I thought
we could try to find the ghost
149
00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:50,840
by doing the movie Flatliners.
150
00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:52,440
- I've never seen it.
- Me, neither.
151
00:06:52,470 --> 00:06:54,656
Oh, my God. All right, we are
stopping everything right now
152
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,310
and watching Flatliners.
153
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,270
♪ I'm all right... ♪
154
00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:00,390
I'm glad we switched
to Caddyshack.
155
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,786
You know what, Peter, I think
I've had enough ghost hunting.
156
00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:04,440
- I'm done, too.
- Yeah, I'm out.
157
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,940
Wait, why you leaving?
158
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,540
Because all you do
is screw around.
159
00:07:07,570 --> 00:07:10,110
We've been down here for hours,
and we haven't found a thing.
160
00:07:10,150 --> 00:07:12,346
Well, maybe that's because you
guys don't know the first thing
161
00:07:12,370 --> 00:07:13,540
about catching ghosts.
162
00:07:13,570 --> 00:07:14,636
You know what, Lois was right.
163
00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:15,926
We should just
never listen to you.
164
00:07:15,950 --> 00:07:17,330
Come on, guys.
165
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,500
I think you're all just scared.
166
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,419
Oh, yeah?
Let's see who's scared.
167
00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:24,420
What are you doing?
Turn that light back on.
168
00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:26,630
Have a good night, Peter.
169
00:07:26,670 --> 00:07:28,800
Quagmire. Help!
170
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:29,920
Someone help me!
171
00:07:29,970 --> 00:07:32,900
Hey! Open this door!
172
00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:34,300
Don't leave me alone
with the ghost!
173
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,780
Help! Help!
174
00:07:39,810 --> 00:07:40,980
Help!
175
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,850
Help! Help!
176
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:48,480
Help! Help!
177
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,210
What the hell?
178
00:07:58,950 --> 00:08:01,000
Peter, are you okay?
179
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,460
I was... down here all night.
180
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,540
So dark.
181
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,930
Oh, my God. Peter, your hair.
182
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,100
It turned white.
183
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,430
What?
184
00:08:13,470 --> 00:08:15,180
♪ ♪
185
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:19,680
Well, I'm a fat dad
with white hair now.
186
00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:23,360
Time to become an issue
at Hooters after 9:00 p.m.
187
00:08:23,390 --> 00:08:24,600
Hey, Ashley. Ashley.
188
00:08:24,650 --> 00:08:26,610
Ashley.
189
00:08:26,650 --> 00:08:29,320
I know...
I know what car is your car.
190
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:37,990
So, how'd you get
white hair again?
191
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,990
He was scared of a ghost.
192
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,290
Yes, I remember hearing
about this in med school.
193
00:08:42,330 --> 00:08:43,710
Or was it a Scooby-Doo?
194
00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:45,750
You think it's gonna stay,
Dr. Hartman?
195
00:08:45,790 --> 00:08:47,880
No, it's gonna be
"Dr. Ramirez" now.
196
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,380
I'm taking my husband's name.
197
00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:51,500
I'm talking about Peter's hair.
198
00:08:51,510 --> 00:08:53,560
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wedding on the brain.
199
00:08:53,590 --> 00:08:56,760
But, uh, as for the white hair,
I'm afraid it's permanent.
200
00:08:58,500 --> 00:08:59,600
Hi, sweetie.
201
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,930
We've discussed this.
202
00:09:00,970 --> 00:09:02,430
No to the mole.
203
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,150
Chocolate is for cake,
not chicken.
204
00:09:05,190 --> 00:09:06,770
Oh, come on.
205
00:09:06,810 --> 00:09:08,560
He's crying.
206
00:09:08,610 --> 00:09:11,110
What do I do now?
I mean, should I dye it back?
207
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,700
I don't know why
you'd ask me that.
208
00:09:14,110 --> 00:09:15,990
I mean, I-I don't know anything
about that.
209
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:17,820
How does one even go about
dyeing one's hair?
210
00:09:17,870 --> 00:09:19,540
I've never heard
of anything so crazy.
211
00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:21,250
Let me get that for you, Doctor.
212
00:09:21,290 --> 00:09:22,920
What? Oh, no, I'm-I'm not a...
213
00:09:22,950 --> 00:09:24,830
Morning, Doctor.
214
00:09:24,870 --> 00:09:26,750
Wow, Peter,
they all think you're a doctor
215
00:09:26,790 --> 00:09:28,460
because of your white hair.
216
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,900
I have to say, it does make you
look more distinguished.
217
00:09:31,130 --> 00:09:33,500
Really? Huh.
218
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,300
Well, maybe this will be
a good thing after all.
219
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:37,100
Like a garbageman with no nose.
220
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,350
Well, this is the best job
in the world!
221
00:09:41,390 --> 00:09:42,760
Rotting meat?
222
00:09:42,810 --> 00:09:44,560
What does that smell like?
223
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,200
Oh, look, receipts.
224
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,480
I'll steal
this person's identity.
225
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,190
From now on,
I'm Robert Dibadeaux.
226
00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:53,440
So long, stinkies!
227
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,150
Not that I would know.
228
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,990
All right, Chris,
it's gonna take a few steps
229
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,330
to get you off hard-core porn.
230
00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,290
Now, the first step
is soft-core porn,
231
00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:05,620
where nothing really happens.
232
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,580
Oh, wow, she is just riding
that guy's belly button.
233
00:10:10,630 --> 00:10:12,630
Yep, that's all we had.
234
00:10:12,670 --> 00:10:15,590
And you could watch this
at any time?
235
00:10:15,630 --> 00:10:18,220
No, just Friday at 11:45 p.m.
236
00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:19,470
And it was free?
237
00:10:19,510 --> 00:10:21,430
No, $45 a month.
238
00:10:21,470 --> 00:10:24,310
Well, what was playing
the other 200 hours per week?
239
00:10:24,350 --> 00:10:26,980
Uh, mostly D.A.R.Y.L.
The movie D.A.R.Y.L.
240
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,140
Was it any good?
241
00:10:28,190 --> 00:10:29,809
It was okay.
242
00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:32,600
Grandpa,
what are you doing here?
243
00:10:32,110 --> 00:10:33,940
Using the bathroom.
Where do you keep the nets
244
00:10:33,980 --> 00:10:35,820
that you put on the bottom
of guys' balls
245
00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:37,780
to stop 'em
from dunking in the water?
246
00:10:37,820 --> 00:10:39,860
- What?
- What do you mean, "What?"
247
00:10:39,110 --> 00:10:41,950
Where do you keep the nets
248
00:10:41,990 --> 00:10:45,950
that you put on the bottom
of guys' balls
249
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:50,100
to stop them
from dunking in the water?
250
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,590
Oh, there's my silver fox.
251
00:10:55,630 --> 00:10:57,670
What are you doing out here?
252
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,660
Well, now that I've got
white hair,
253
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:00,880
I fix my car in slow motion
254
00:11:00,930 --> 00:11:03,720
in an ad for a supplemental
blood thinner.
255
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,350
I took Zanbrex
256
00:11:05,390 --> 00:11:06,930
for over 15 years,
257
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:09,810
till I learned the benefits
of once-daily Sanguelto,
258
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:11,980
a latest-generation
blood thinner.
259
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,980
When I'm at a multiracial
picnic for some reason,
260
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,360
the last thing I want to do
is have a stroke.
261
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,610
And thanks
to once-daily Sanguelto,
262
00:11:19,650 --> 00:11:22,820
I can eat potato salad
with chuckling strangers
263
00:11:22,870 --> 00:11:24,630
with the confidence
of someone who knows
264
00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:27,830
he's 12% less likely
to suffer a stroke recurrence.
265
00:11:27,870 --> 00:11:30,000
Thanks to Sanguelto,
I can snuggle
266
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,580
with my age-appropriate wife
on a blanket
267
00:11:32,630 --> 00:11:35,900
underneath
non-holiday-related fireworks.
268
00:11:35,130 --> 00:11:37,550
I left her for six weeks
back in 2009,
269
00:11:37,590 --> 00:11:39,550
only to realize
I was already too old
270
00:11:39,590 --> 00:11:41,260
to bed the type of women
271
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,550
that would make
such a separation worth it.
272
00:11:43,590 --> 00:11:45,470
So, here we are, grinding it out
273
00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:47,310
till one of us has
that second stroke
274
00:11:47,350 --> 00:11:49,140
that you don't come back from.
275
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:51,480
Thank you, Sanguelto.
276
00:11:54,770 --> 00:11:56,600
What's all this?
277
00:11:56,110 --> 00:11:58,230
Well, a lot of kids'
first foray into sex
278
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,370
is looking
at someone else's porn stash.
279
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,740
So, here's a stack
of water-stained Playboys
280
00:12:02,780 --> 00:12:05,450
that I found in a locker
at the town pool bathroom.
281
00:12:05,490 --> 00:12:08,300
Okay, now we're talking.
282
00:12:11,750 --> 00:12:13,710
Wait. I'm clicking
on this thumbnail,
283
00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:15,580
but the video isn't opening.
284
00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:16,960
No, that's a still image.
285
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,340
See, you look at them,
286
00:12:18,380 --> 00:12:21,130
and then your brain sort of
creates a scene for you.
287
00:12:21,170 --> 00:12:23,930
I don't know. I think maybe
we should try something else.
288
00:12:23,970 --> 00:12:25,720
I think
you should give it a shot.
289
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,180
I think we should all
go investigate
290
00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:31,430
the still-unsolved murder
of Doris Billingsly,
291
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,780
who never did anything
but overcook one dinner
292
00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:38,310
in March of 1962.
293
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,500
All right, I got next round.
294
00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:49,790
Hey, Tom, you okay?
295
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:50,540
She left me.
296
00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:53,370
Another sign from the universe
that I'll never find love.
297
00:12:53,410 --> 00:12:56,500
Hey, come on, pal. There's
plenty of fish in the sea.
298
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,670
Wow.
299
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,200
You're right. There are.
300
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,840
Say, you've got a way about you,
301
00:13:07,890 --> 00:13:10,760
a certain...
trustworthy quality.
302
00:13:10,810 --> 00:13:12,200
You know, we've got an opening
303
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:13,680
at the station
for a senior analyst.
304
00:13:13,730 --> 00:13:16,100
I think your white hair
would be perfect for it.
305
00:13:16,150 --> 00:13:17,860
Wow. Really? What do I do?
306
00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:20,940
You just act like everyone else
is an idiot and shout over them.
307
00:13:20,980 --> 00:13:22,860
- That way, you can...
- Shut up! I get it!
308
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,400
Terrific.
Hey, why don't you come down
309
00:13:24,450 --> 00:13:25,750
to the station tomorrow and...?
310
00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:28,160
- I know where you work!
- Again, terrific.
311
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,740
Wow, this is awesome.
312
00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:34,160
I haven't been on TV since
I had IBS on The Bachelorette.
313
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,330
Derek,
I had such a magical weekend.
314
00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:39,290
You are truly one of a kind.
315
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:42,340
And that's why
I've decided to...
316
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:45,100
Excuse me. Uh, do-do you know
if I'm gonna get a rose?
317
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:46,800
We're getting to that, Peter.
318
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:50,260
Derek, that's why I've decided
to give you this rose.
319
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,470
Evan, getting to see
your softer side was truly...
320
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:55,560
Excuse me.
321
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,350
I hate to be a bother,
but do you...
322
00:13:57,390 --> 00:13:59,270
do you know
if I'll be receiving a rose?
323
00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:00,666
Because if there's, uh,
further delay,
324
00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:02,230
I believe
something's gonna happen
325
00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:04,530
that will put me
out of contention for a rose.
326
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:07,320
And that thing just happened.
327
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,820
Farewell, and thank you
328
00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:11,700
for feeding me champagne
and shrimp all day.
329
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:17,250
Reporting live
from Quahog Prison,
330
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,290
I'm Joe Horrigan,
Channel Five News.
331
00:14:19,330 --> 00:14:21,580
Thanks, Joe.
Great reporting, terrible eyes.
332
00:14:21,630 --> 00:14:23,290
Switching gears now,
I'd like to talk
333
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,420
about the crime situation
here in Quahog.
334
00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:28,630
Joining me now is white-haired
contributor Peter Griffin.
335
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,520
Peter, what are you hearing
about crime in Quahog?
336
00:14:31,550 --> 00:14:34,310
Uh... you know, not much.
337
00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:36,970
Not much?
Excuse us for one moment.
338
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,690
- What are you doing?!
- What?
339
00:14:39,730 --> 00:14:41,230
I don't know anything
about crime.
340
00:14:41,270 --> 00:14:43,770
So? People want to know that
bad stuff's going on out there.
341
00:14:43,820 --> 00:14:45,190
That's why they watch the news.
342
00:14:45,230 --> 00:14:47,400
- You want me to make stuff up?
- I don't know.
343
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,400
I thought you had white hair.
344
00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:52,490
- You're right, I do.
- Of course you do.
345
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,160
Now, you were talking
about crime?
346
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,160
Crime is way up,
and you know why?
347
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:00,460
'Cause of immigrants.
348
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,000
I say, as Americans,
349
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,630
we should all take a pledge
to kick 'em out.
350
00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:08,500
Only pledge I stand for
is Lemon Pledge.
351
00:15:14,430 --> 00:15:17,600
Peter Griffin, white hair, very
credible, thank you so much.
352
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,230
Coming up,
lost dog comes home...
353
00:15:20,270 --> 00:15:22,520
one piece at a time.
354
00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,819
Peter, that was amazing.
355
00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:30,500
I'm the news director
here at Channel Five.
356
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:33,300
How would you like to do
what you just did every night?
357
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:34,620
Wipe a bloody booger
under the desk?
358
00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:36,780
No, I'm asking you
to join us full-time
359
00:15:36,830 --> 00:15:38,580
to be our permanent
senior analyst.
360
00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:41,210
Would you excuse me
while I step into another room
361
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:44,540
and celebrate like a girl in a
rom-com who just got good news?
362
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,300
Aah! The Sanguelto!
363
00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:51,670
My blood's thinner than water!
364
00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:55,500
If taking Sanguelto,
365
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,440
please refrain
from dancing like in a rom-com,
366
00:15:57,510 --> 00:15:59,310
as nosebleeds may be permanent.
367
00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:02,140
And remember, most drugs
are prescribed to you
368
00:16:02,190 --> 00:16:04,400
because a hot girl
with a rolling suitcase
369
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,440
gave your doctor a free pen.
370
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,490
Peter, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
371
00:16:16,530 --> 00:16:19,370
Who says you can just make
things up and call them facts?
372
00:16:19,410 --> 00:16:21,330
Tom Tucker did.
He kissed me.
373
00:16:21,370 --> 00:16:23,710
You have a responsibility
as a member of the press
374
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,920
to report the news accurately.
375
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,630
You can't just say crazy things
that aren't in any way true.
376
00:16:29,670 --> 00:16:33,170
Yeah, leave that
to the yahoos in D.C.
377
00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:36,340
- Did that get a "That's So Joe"?
- No!
378
00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:38,500
Okay, well,
what are the rules on that?
379
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:39,760
We're still working that out.
380
00:16:39,810 --> 00:16:42,140
Well, let me know
when you decide on the rules.
381
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:45,200
I'm really excited
about working on this.
382
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:46,980
With you guys.
383
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:53,650
Chris, welcome
to the lingerie department.
384
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,120
What are we doing here?
385
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,710
When I was young, seeing
these half-naked mannequins
386
00:16:57,740 --> 00:16:59,410
was all I needed
to get me going.
387
00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:00,830
What's the endgame here...
388
00:17:00,870 --> 00:17:02,700
Him walking around Macy's
with a chub?
389
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:04,910
No, we've got
to reset his arousal meter.
390
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,500
He needs to be able
to use his imagination again.
391
00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:09,646
Any of these mannequins
doing anything for you, Chris?
392
00:17:09,670 --> 00:17:11,630
Uh, I don't know.
393
00:17:11,670 --> 00:17:14,340
I guess the one
without a head is pretty cool.
394
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:16,380
All right, that's...
that's something.
395
00:17:16,430 --> 00:17:19,760
And that bin of chopped-up ones
over there... that could be okay.
396
00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:22,780
'Specially the one
that looks kind of afraid.
397
00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:24,850
There you go. Look at you.
398
00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:27,200
Sounds like someone is ready
for that date.
399
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:28,400
Do you gentlemen need any help?
400
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:29,860
No, thank you, dear.
401
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,570
We're just trying
to get my brother to full mast.
402
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,320
We want to welcome back our new
permanent senior analyst,
403
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:40,330
Peter Griffin
and his white hair.
404
00:17:40,370 --> 00:17:42,120
What's the latest
on crime in Quahog?
405
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,540
- Tom, crime is up.
- Wow. How high?
406
00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:47,400
- All the way to the top.
- Whoa. The top.
407
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,540
Has it ever been all the way
to the top before, Peter?
408
00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:51,800
Never. In fact,
we had to raise the top.
409
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,510
So, the new top is even higher
than the old top?
410
00:17:54,550 --> 00:17:56,300
Yes, the old top
is now the middle.
411
00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:58,100
And The Middle is a show
412
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:00,600
that was inexplicably on ABC
for a very long time.
413
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,100
How many seasons?
414
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,280
It might be, like, 11.
I'm not even kidding.
415
00:18:04,310 --> 00:18:07,600
Peter Griffin, white hair, very
credible, thank you so much.
416
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:09,270
Coming up,
we'll tell you where to look
417
00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:12,600
when a person has a birthmark
on their face.
418
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,610
So, Chris, have you weaned
yourself off of Internet porn?
419
00:18:18,660 --> 00:18:21,830
Wait. I thought the whole point
was to not wean myself off.
420
00:18:21,870 --> 00:18:24,870
No, Chris, I mean,
have you stopped...? Never mind.
421
00:18:24,910 --> 00:18:27,290
- You ready for your date?
- You bet I am!
422
00:18:31,380 --> 00:18:32,920
Hi, Chris.
423
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,710
Hi, Kristen.
424
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,170
Ready to see a Marvel movie,
'cause I chose?
425
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,590
Sure. And for sure
this is a real date,
426
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:41,930
and me and the popular kids
427
00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:44,680
aren't gonna
thrill-kill you tonight.
428
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,390
I think
Chris is gonna be just fine.
429
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,190
Which is more than I can say
for our pizza.
430
00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:57,440
Oh, man.
431
00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:07,830
Well, I hope you're happy.
432
00:19:07,870 --> 00:19:11,400
You're telling lies on the news
just to boost your own ego.
433
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:12,880
It's pronounced "Eggo," Lois,
434
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,000
and I will thank you
to leggo of mine.
435
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:16,850
Peter, fake news
is a real problem
436
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,550
in this country right now,
437
00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:21,590
and I really don't want
my husband contributing to it.
438
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,480
Maybe you're right.
439
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:25,760
It doesn't feel good
lying all the time.
440
00:19:25,810 --> 00:19:27,390
I guess I just like
all the attention
441
00:19:27,430 --> 00:19:29,140
that came along
with having white hair.
442
00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:31,850
Well, I don't think that's
the kind of attention you want.
443
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,860
And it's certainly not
the kind of attention
444
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:35,400
I want for our family.
445
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,190
You know what?
If it means that much to you,
446
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,370
I'll tell Tom
that I won't do it anymore.
447
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,360
- Really?
- Really.
448
00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:44,870
Oh, Peter,
that makes me so happy.
449
00:19:47,410 --> 00:19:49,290
Hello? Donald Trump?!
450
00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:51,400
You saw me on the news?
451
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,130
You want me to be your press
secretary in the next episode?
452
00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:55,670
Why, sure, I'd love to!
453
00:19:55,710 --> 00:19:57,840
We'll get started drawing it
right away.
454
00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,340
Lois, pack your bags.
455
00:19:59,380 --> 00:20:02,510
We're joining
the Trump Administration.
456
00:20:08,270 --> 00:20:10,740
Just what Washington needs, huh?
457
00:20:10,770 --> 00:20:12,640
Another talking head.
458
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,770
Oh, man.
459
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:21,940
Next week on Family Guy...
460
00:20:21,990 --> 00:20:24,780
Hey, Dad, I want you
to meet my new friend, Meg.
461
00:20:24,820 --> 00:20:28,240
Pleased to meet you, Meg.
You have a beautiful rack.
462
00:20:28,290 --> 00:20:29,500
Oh, thanks.
463
00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:31,830
I was talking to my daughter.
464
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,130
And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
465
00:20:58,860 --> 00:21:01,650
Just wanted to remind you fellas
what you're all fighting for.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:20,00
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