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1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,476
- Bye!
- Oh, I do hope Stevie's gonna be OK.
2
00:00:03,530 --> 00:00:06,966
They're just on a foraging trip.
He'll be fine, Felix.
3
00:00:07,020 --> 00:00:11,013
- Have you got a little crush on him?
- On Stevie?
4
00:00:11,072 --> 00:00:13,586
No! Dirty, yucky boys.
5
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:16,676
Are... are they love bites? Felix!
6
00:00:17,210 --> 00:00:18,689
That's so '90s.
7
00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:21,487
Love bite, no. It's obviously the bite of a vampire.
8
00:00:21,542 --> 00:00:24,693
- What vampire?
- Button it with your science, Susan.
9
00:00:24,752 --> 00:00:27,266
A vampire crept into my room last night.
10
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:32,791
Luckily enough I set fire to the rich brocade of
his cape before he got his teeth really stuck in.
11
00:00:32,855 --> 00:00:36,814
- Look! Wild garlic!
- Oh. That'll keep the pesky vampire away.
12
00:00:44,489 --> 00:00:45,558
Aaargh!
13
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:48,172
Laura! Say sorry to Harry.
14
00:00:51,710 --> 00:00:55,146
- Why have they all got brooms?
- Obviously I was teaching them Quidditch.
15
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:58,192
- Oi!
- That girl is driving me crazy.
16
00:00:58,249 --> 00:01:01,127
- Maybe she's got ADHD.
- Maybe she's eaten a magic mushroom.
17
00:01:01,178 --> 00:01:04,375
Wait, you think our daughter may be high?
And you are this calm about it?
18
00:01:04,427 --> 00:01:06,418
- Kids experiment.
- Oh, guys...
19
00:01:11,769 --> 00:01:15,364
Oh, my God.
Is it nuclear radiation, radiation sickness?
20
00:01:15,419 --> 00:01:19,253
Open your eyes, woman! This is proof.
Now give me that garlic.
21
00:01:19,311 --> 00:01:21,381
Oh, shit, they're vampires!
22
00:01:21,437 --> 00:01:26,147
- It's so obvious now I see it!
- Team Jacob till I die, motherfuckers!
23
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,202
Tom!
24
00:01:28,257 --> 00:01:29,736
Oh, for fuck's sake!
25
00:01:39,931 --> 00:01:49,887
Ripped by mstoll
26
00:02:04,763 --> 00:02:06,879
Quiet! Can we have quiet? Quiet, please!
27
00:02:07,732 --> 00:02:10,724
Every child in the camp has been taken ill.
28
00:02:10,781 --> 00:02:11,975
What?
29
00:02:12,024 --> 00:02:14,822
- I wish we could Google this.
- Google? I'd settle for Bing.
30
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:18,752
- I'd "Ask Jeeves" - I am desperate.
- The children must remain quarantined.
31
00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:22,080
- Only the doctor can have contact with them.
- Why can't we see our kids?
32
00:02:22,134 --> 00:02:24,648
Because the disease is contagious.
33
00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,419
Stay away from me, for God's sake.
34
00:02:26,467 --> 00:02:29,300
Doctor, how come their kid ain't green?
What makes them special?
35
00:02:29,355 --> 00:02:32,427
All right, we're in this together.
I'll do anything to help. Name it.
36
00:02:32,484 --> 00:02:35,840
Well, I have created an antidote.
37
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:38,203
But it needs a test subject.
38
00:02:38,261 --> 00:02:42,493
Someone willing to risk
a slow and hideously painful death.
39
00:02:45,241 --> 00:02:48,233
Cool. I would put myself forward for that...
40
00:02:48,290 --> 00:02:51,805
But did I tell you about my unusual blood type...
41
00:02:53,305 --> 00:02:56,217
...and my allergy to shellfish?
42
00:02:56,274 --> 00:02:59,072
Is there any prawns in the antidote?
43
00:02:59,603 --> 00:03:02,356
Any cockles or haddock?
44
00:03:04,297 --> 00:03:06,447
Then I'll volunteer myself.
45
00:03:09,392 --> 00:03:13,590
And now ask me anything you like.
I shall do my best to answer all your questions.
46
00:03:13,644 --> 00:03:15,236
- Dr Pepper.
- Not my name.
47
00:03:15,289 --> 00:03:19,043
Who stole my Dr Pepper? I took a crate
from the supermarket yesterday. I'm distraught.
48
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:22,172
I think we've got more important questions
than that right now.
49
00:03:22,671 --> 00:03:25,981
- Tom?
- Yeah, the thing about, you know...
50
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,349
You don't actually go blind, do you?
51
00:03:28,407 --> 00:03:31,399
Cos one lonely term,
I went down to, like, a minus six.
52
00:03:31,737 --> 00:03:33,568
What? We're all thinking it.
53
00:03:33,622 --> 00:03:35,772
We're so not.
54
00:03:35,829 --> 00:03:36,864
Felix?
55
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,982
How easy would it be for you
to give me a vagina?
56
00:03:39,038 --> 00:03:41,677
Just a little buttercup.
57
00:03:41,726 --> 00:03:43,398
One a bit like Susan's.
58
00:03:48,867 --> 00:03:51,620
Who are you? Have you seen my Dr Pepper?
59
00:03:51,675 --> 00:03:54,189
Have one sip, please? Laura!
60
00:03:54,243 --> 00:03:56,803
No! Water's boring and yucky!
61
00:03:56,850 --> 00:03:59,045
Oh! Tom, can you help, please?
62
00:03:59,097 --> 00:04:01,247
- These could be the symptoms...
- What can I do?
63
00:04:01,303 --> 00:04:03,976
Something! Anything!
Will you just get off your arse, please?
64
00:04:04,031 --> 00:04:05,942
- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Randal.
65
00:04:05,997 --> 00:04:07,555
- Been there long?
- A while.
66
00:04:07,602 --> 00:04:09,672
- OK.
- And you're here because?
67
00:04:09,728 --> 00:04:12,367
The children's toys and their books.
68
00:04:12,416 --> 00:04:15,294
Yes, why don't we lend your green friends
some of your toys, Laura?
69
00:04:15,344 --> 00:04:18,336
- That would be a nice thing to do.
- Are you out of your mind?
70
00:04:18,393 --> 00:04:20,429
Nobody cares about me!
71
00:04:20,479 --> 00:04:23,994
Susannah, the children's things
could be contaminated. They need to be...
72
00:04:24,772 --> 00:04:26,808
How do I put this?
73
00:04:26,858 --> 00:04:29,133
Incinerated.
74
00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:33,303
- What does incinerated mean?
- It means have a nice holiday.
75
00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:36,076
Your toys need to unwind, have a bit of me-time.
76
00:04:36,125 --> 00:04:39,595
No, crossed wires.
Sorry, I meant destroying her treasures with fire.
77
00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:41,373
- Oh, Randal!
- Burn them, sorry.
78
00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:44,492
- You can't burn my toys! Mum!
- We're gonna burn them! Burn your toys.
79
00:04:44,549 --> 00:04:47,541
- Sorry, I'm so flowery. It's a problem.
- The books can't be contaminated.
80
00:04:47,598 --> 00:04:49,907
You can't burn them. They're irreplaceable!
81
00:04:49,965 --> 00:04:52,354
- Doctor's orders, Susannah.
- Huh.
82
00:04:53,656 --> 00:04:57,126
- Never got the hang of flint.
- OK, stop! Both of you.
83
00:04:57,708 --> 00:05:02,145
I'll talk to the doctor, try and sort this out.
Don't burn anything until I get back.
84
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:05,477
OK, I'll tell you what.
How about I torch all the school books now
85
00:05:05,531 --> 00:05:07,044
and I come back later for the rest?
86
00:05:07,095 --> 00:05:09,484
- Deal?
- That sounds very reasonable.
87
00:05:09,823 --> 00:05:11,814
Suze?
88
00:05:24,706 --> 00:05:28,142
- All right, Felix?
- I'm a woman and my name is Felicity.
89
00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:31,269
Look, any other day I'd be your rock.
But I'm gonna have to cut you off.
90
00:05:31,326 --> 00:05:33,681
Would you?
See, the doctor says I need counselling
91
00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:36,042
before he gives me the old sniperoo.
92
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,898
You'd regret such a whim!
Now, about the doctor...
93
00:05:38,948 --> 00:05:40,904
He ain't green no more. The antidote works.
94
00:05:40,954 --> 00:05:43,229
Trouble is, there's not enough of it to go round.
95
00:05:43,281 --> 00:05:46,956
- I've got to speak to the doctor right now, so...
- Hang on. What about equality?
96
00:05:47,012 --> 00:05:50,163
- If he sees the doctor, we all see the doctor.
- Yeah!
97
00:05:50,221 --> 00:05:52,496
Probably me first, for suggesting the idea.
98
00:05:52,548 --> 00:05:55,620
The doc's taking your bids one by one.
The highest bidder wins.
99
00:05:55,677 --> 00:05:57,269
Like some kind of gameshow.
100
00:05:57,322 --> 00:06:00,519
If you don't let me in,
we're gonna kick the door down.
101
00:06:00,571 --> 00:06:03,290
Let's burn this hospital to the ground!
102
00:06:03,339 --> 00:06:05,136
Burn it! Help our kids!
103
00:06:05,185 --> 00:06:08,177
Your kids are in the hospital.
How's burning it gonna help?
104
00:06:08,233 --> 00:06:12,226
Revolution!
Come on, social media, let's make this happen!
105
00:06:12,285 --> 00:06:14,640
- Noises! Big noises!
- Burn it! Help our kids!
106
00:06:14,692 --> 00:06:17,411
Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!
107
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:21,738
Tom!
Round the back, a sheet of red corrugated iron.
108
00:06:21,793 --> 00:06:24,102
Knock out the rhythm of Faith
by George Michael.
109
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,673
Faith. Catchy.
110
00:06:25,724 --> 00:06:28,443
Catchy? It's bloody contagious!
111
00:06:28,493 --> 00:06:29,892
Too soon?
112
00:06:29,937 --> 00:06:33,691
Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!
113
00:06:33,748 --> 00:06:35,739
Burn it! Help our kids!
114
00:06:49,915 --> 00:06:51,712
The books, please.
115
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,751
Stop being so damn quiet!
116
00:06:56,935 --> 00:06:58,926
You artful minx!
117
00:07:00,626 --> 00:07:03,094
This is some primitive electronic tag.
118
00:07:03,154 --> 00:07:06,032
It's like you've got me
on some medieval register.
119
00:07:06,483 --> 00:07:08,599
Stop! The books are contagious!
120
00:07:16,111 --> 00:07:18,341
Doc, I need your help.
121
00:07:18,398 --> 00:07:20,389
My master will see you now, human.
122
00:07:21,246 --> 00:07:25,000
I can come back later. Cos I can assume
the doctor's busy treating you?
123
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,228
Hey, girlfriend.
124
00:07:46,721 --> 00:07:50,031
Quick quezzie. Am I a pear?
125
00:07:50,692 --> 00:07:55,527
Only I've been toying with an A-line but think
I got a smidge too much junk in the old trunk.
126
00:07:55,587 --> 00:07:57,259
No, I... No.
127
00:07:57,312 --> 00:07:59,587
- What's in there?
- Nothing.
128
00:07:59,638 --> 00:08:03,028
It's just drinking water for the... kids.
I'm amazed you're even curious.
129
00:08:03,088 --> 00:08:05,079
Oh, I'm curious all right.
130
00:08:07,702 --> 00:08:09,579
Have I got a bubble butt?
131
00:08:09,628 --> 00:08:11,698
- No.
- Well, thank you.
132
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:18,077
- Well, I hope young Jessie recovers.
- You're a hero, Doctor.
133
00:08:18,132 --> 00:08:22,205
It's an honour to give you all of our winter
clothes and fuel and Jessie's little shoes.
134
00:08:23,227 --> 00:08:24,945
Go on.
135
00:08:26,838 --> 00:08:29,193
Thank you.
136
00:08:30,649 --> 00:08:33,846
Too many patients, not enough medicine.
What can I do?
137
00:08:35,944 --> 00:08:38,060
- And the?
- The robot?
138
00:08:38,111 --> 00:08:41,740
Yamato was given to me by Mrs Takagi
in exchange for the antidote.
139
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:44,918
- Daiquiri, Doctor?
- Amazing what the Japanese can do.
140
00:08:44,971 --> 00:08:47,360
Mm. Feel that craftsmanship.
141
00:08:49,143 --> 00:08:51,611
You are aware that's a man
with a colander on his head?
142
00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:54,901
Can't believe your own eyes, eh?
Well, I don't blame you. So life-like.
143
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,520
Touch him. His skin's so soft.
144
00:08:57,567 --> 00:09:01,196
Look, my daughter's sick.
She's been acting crazy...
145
00:09:01,258 --> 00:09:03,692
Tom, you can see my dilemma.
146
00:09:03,745 --> 00:09:05,337
My time is valuable...
147
00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:08,223
What do you want?
I'll give you anything - just make her better.
148
00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:11,874
It's not about what I want. It's about what I need.
149
00:09:11,929 --> 00:09:14,807
The touch of another...
150
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:18,174
But will Suze let me have it?
151
00:09:19,391 --> 00:09:21,586
- Daiquiri, Doctor?
- Not now, Yamato!
152
00:09:24,366 --> 00:09:27,085
- So the doctor's gone insane.
- Tom.
153
00:09:27,535 --> 00:09:31,084
- I don't feel well, Daddy.
- Oh, shit.
154
00:09:31,346 --> 00:09:34,656
- You're not sleeping with him.
- You act like I want to sleep with him!
155
00:09:34,716 --> 00:09:37,435
- It's not going to happen.
- It's not your decision.
156
00:09:37,484 --> 00:09:39,759
Ah, this is about your pride and insecurities.
157
00:09:39,811 --> 00:09:42,883
- Wait. I'll steal it!
- You can't steal medicine!
158
00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:44,692
I know where he keeps the antidote.
159
00:09:44,745 --> 00:09:47,305
I can do this,
using all my natural stealth and cunning.
160
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,389
OK. Fine.
161
00:09:49,439 --> 00:09:52,954
And when the doctor catches you,
tell him I'll be along at 8:30.
162
00:09:54,213 --> 00:09:57,728
Burn it! Help our kids!
Burn it! Help our kids!
163
00:09:57,783 --> 00:10:02,220
Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!
164
00:10:02,517 --> 00:10:06,351
Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!
165
00:10:06,408 --> 00:10:08,399
Oh, shit.
166
00:10:12,105 --> 00:10:14,096
- Bonsoir.
- Oh!
167
00:10:14,432 --> 00:10:16,627
Sorry, Felix.
168
00:10:17,521 --> 00:10:19,477
- Felicity.
- No bother.
169
00:10:19,526 --> 00:10:21,801
I'm pretty down in the dumps TBH.
170
00:10:21,853 --> 00:10:23,571
Just baring my breasts into the moon.
171
00:10:23,618 --> 00:10:26,576
Cool. Well, I've got some urgent business,
so chin up and...
172
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,505
Oh, sure, I look bootylicious in the wig.
173
00:10:29,556 --> 00:10:32,753
But... underneath it all, I'm still just Felix.
174
00:10:32,805 --> 00:10:34,921
Do you want to talk about it now or?
175
00:10:34,971 --> 00:10:40,364
But one day...
this chrysalis is gonna burst open and Felicity...
176
00:10:40,909 --> 00:10:43,298
Mmm - bitch is gonna fly.
177
00:10:49,975 --> 00:10:52,125
Burn it! Help our kids!
178
00:10:55,712 --> 00:10:58,385
Lasers? Oh, you'll have to do better than that.
179
00:10:59,924 --> 00:11:01,915
OK. Go on. Go, go.
180
00:11:02,452 --> 00:11:03,771
Oh shit. Shit.
181
00:11:03,816 --> 00:11:05,169
Argh!
182
00:11:05,220 --> 00:11:08,496
Well, well, Yamato.
We've caught ourselves a fly.
183
00:11:08,549 --> 00:11:12,064
- Affirmative, master.
- Stop pretending you're not a twat in a bin.
184
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,156
Does not compute.
185
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:18,040
Ooh, with his laser pen.
Any more fancy stationery?
186
00:11:18,097 --> 00:11:22,136
Got one of those pens with the woman
and you click and her bra goes down?
187
00:11:22,189 --> 00:11:24,862
You know, cos if you do,
I'd love to have, like, one peek.
188
00:11:25,358 --> 00:11:27,394
- Unless you do go blind?
- Sit down, Tom.
189
00:11:27,444 --> 00:11:29,719
- No. I'm going home.
- It's too late for that.
190
00:11:29,771 --> 00:11:33,081
Unless you want the people to know
about this little indiscretion?
191
00:11:33,141 --> 00:11:36,178
When did you get so creepy?
192
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:42,426
Yamato, calculate the statistical probability
of Laura's survival,
193
00:11:42,488 --> 00:11:44,922
if her condition remains untreated.
194
00:11:44,976 --> 00:11:49,049
Probability of survival is one in 330,000.
195
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:50,865
Ooh!
196
00:11:50,913 --> 00:11:52,744
He has made that number up on the spot.
197
00:11:52,798 --> 00:11:55,995
Do you know what I'm asking for,
to save your daughter's life?
198
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,118
I'm not prostituting my girlfriend.
199
00:11:58,174 --> 00:11:59,971
I don't want her.
200
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,011
I want... you.
201
00:12:05,114 --> 00:12:06,388
- You want?
- You.
202
00:12:06,438 --> 00:12:09,191
To?
203
00:12:12,977 --> 00:12:14,933
Oh yeah, daddy.
204
00:12:14,983 --> 00:12:17,133
Yes. Yes. Deeper.
205
00:12:19,717 --> 00:12:21,275
Ahh...
206
00:12:25,775 --> 00:12:27,925
- Yeah. OK.
- Really?
207
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:31,337
- Yeah, I guess.
- Right. You seem quite... keen?
208
00:12:31,391 --> 00:12:33,621
I'm not keen.
209
00:12:33,678 --> 00:12:36,351
Just, what am I actually sacrificing, you know?
210
00:12:36,406 --> 00:12:38,283
But you're quite clear on what I want?
211
00:12:38,331 --> 00:12:41,448
- One night.
- All night in the chocolate factory.
212
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:45,900
- And then you give Laura the antidote?
- After I ruin you.
213
00:12:45,953 --> 00:12:48,103
Come on! You're killing the romance.
214
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,878
- Tomorrow?
- Sundown.
215
00:12:49,925 --> 00:12:51,916
Deal.
216
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,974
I think a dance, Yamato.
217
00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:03,550
Latin.
218
00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:06,843
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!
219
00:13:13,273 --> 00:13:16,549
- You're not sleeping with him.
- You act like I want to sleep with him!
220
00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:20,039
- You wouldn't let me sleep with him.
- Yes! Because you're... you.
221
00:13:20,093 --> 00:13:22,607
I can just take it on the chin.
Or wherever he wants to put it.
222
00:13:22,661 --> 00:13:24,094
Oh, and what I couldn't? Why?
223
00:13:24,145 --> 00:13:28,377
- You're gonna say it's because I'm a woman.
- Yes, I am, because he doesn't fancy women.
224
00:13:28,437 --> 00:13:30,428
He fancies me.
225
00:13:30,804 --> 00:13:32,999
- Are you jealous?
- No, I'm not jealous!
226
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:37,293
Tom, have you ever... with a man?
227
00:13:37,343 --> 00:13:40,062
In year three,
I let Paul Peskin touch my penis for a bet.
228
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:42,147
- What did you get?
- A shiny Bulbasaur.
229
00:13:42,198 --> 00:13:44,189
Is that a?
230
00:13:45,768 --> 00:13:48,840
Ew! Bulbasaur is a Pokemon.
Please don't cheapen him.
231
00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:55,339
- Hey. You OK?
- I'm scared.
232
00:13:56,078 --> 00:13:58,467
If Laura dies,
then all the cockroaches I've eaten,
233
00:13:58,525 --> 00:14:01,835
all the psychotic hobos I've beaten to death
won't mean a fucking thing.
234
00:14:01,895 --> 00:14:04,534
Hey, hey, I'm not gonna let that happen.
235
00:14:05,024 --> 00:14:06,935
OK?
236
00:14:06,990 --> 00:14:09,026
Morning. Anyone home?
237
00:14:10,239 --> 00:14:12,230
Who's that?
238
00:14:13,569 --> 00:14:17,323
When my daughter turned green,
the doctor didn't want any of our possessions.
239
00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:19,132
So this was the obvious choice?
240
00:14:19,185 --> 00:14:24,464
The doctor's got some - I won't say racist -
but some odd ideas about the Japanese.
241
00:14:24,521 --> 00:14:27,433
That they're obedient, good with technology.
242
00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:29,481
- This was our last chance...
- Brilliant.
243
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,175
I'm not even Japanese. I'm from Shanghai.
244
00:14:32,223 --> 00:14:33,451
Tell us about the doctor.
245
00:14:33,507 --> 00:14:38,979
I discovered the doctor's antidote is a compound
of sesquiterpene lactones and allium ursinum.
246
00:14:40,207 --> 00:14:43,677
- Wild garlic and wormwood.
- I found wild garlic in the woods!
247
00:14:43,737 --> 00:14:47,412
- And you're sure about the antidote?
- Before the bombs, I was a scientist.
248
00:14:47,468 --> 00:14:49,220
- I taught chemistry.
- OK.
249
00:14:49,273 --> 00:14:52,663
Suze, you and Yamato go and find the plant.
I'll stay with Laura.
250
00:14:52,723 --> 00:14:56,113
And if you're not back in time,
then I'll do what I have to do.
251
00:14:56,173 --> 00:14:58,050
I admire you, Tom.
252
00:14:58,099 --> 00:15:00,852
I mean, I'm humiliating myself, but you?
253
00:15:00,907 --> 00:15:03,660
You are putting your arse on the li...
254
00:15:03,715 --> 00:15:05,546
yourself on the line.
255
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:08,752
Please shut up and hurry
because I really, really don't want to do this.
256
00:15:08,810 --> 00:15:10,801
Now, go on! Go!
257
00:15:16,152 --> 00:15:18,188
Dad, will you read me a fairy tale?
258
00:15:18,238 --> 00:15:20,706
Laura! These could be infected.
259
00:15:20,765 --> 00:15:22,756
But I love fairy tales, Daddy.
260
00:15:24,255 --> 00:15:26,723
All right. Come on, then.
261
00:15:26,783 --> 00:15:30,298
Which one do you want?
Hans Christian Andersen...
262
00:15:30,353 --> 00:15:33,072
Or what about Tony Blair's autobiography?
263
00:15:33,121 --> 00:15:37,273
I like when it God comes down from the sky
and tells Tony to invade Iraq.
264
00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:39,130
All right.
265
00:15:39,299 --> 00:15:41,369
God slapped me on the back.
266
00:15:41,425 --> 00:15:46,624
"Immoral? Forget about it."
He laughed in his broad American accent.
267
00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:48,956
- Read to me about the princess.
- Ah, OK.
268
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,041
Here we go.
269
00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:54,852
Chapter One.
270
00:15:54,905 --> 00:15:57,897
Usually, a girl meets her prince
at a ball at a magical palace
271
00:15:57,953 --> 00:16:00,148
or in the queue for the toilets at Sugar Hut.
272
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,679
But I met Pete in the jungle.
273
00:16:01,724 --> 00:16:03,077
Ahhh...
274
00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:08,851
- Ooh.
- What is it?
275
00:16:08,905 --> 00:16:10,861
I cut a worm in half.
276
00:16:10,911 --> 00:16:11,946
Yeurgh!
277
00:16:11,994 --> 00:16:15,350
That's how he's doing it!
Hermaphroditic Cestoidea.
278
00:16:16,528 --> 00:16:19,804
Worms! I've got to get back
before the doctor suspects me.
279
00:16:21,221 --> 00:16:22,813
Here's what you have to do.
280
00:16:23,508 --> 00:16:27,945
Writing a novel is hard, I realised
when my fifth ghost-writer also killed himself.
281
00:16:28,001 --> 00:16:30,754
Ah, Suze, thank God.
282
00:16:30,809 --> 00:16:33,118
Ready to go, boss?
283
00:16:33,176 --> 00:16:35,167
Damn.
284
00:16:36,586 --> 00:16:38,224
Where are you going, Dad?
285
00:16:38,271 --> 00:16:39,989
I'm gonna get you better, sweetheart.
286
00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:43,593
I brought you gloves, gum shield and bucket.
287
00:16:44,529 --> 00:16:46,440
We're having sex, Felix. We're not boxing.
288
00:16:46,495 --> 00:16:49,453
Oh, clearly you've never seduced
three shepherds,
289
00:16:49,504 --> 00:16:52,860
on a scrubland strewn with corpses
underneath the Severn Bridge?
290
00:16:53,435 --> 00:16:55,107
No, no, I haven't.
291
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,993
Well, it's one for the bucket list, let me tell you.
292
00:16:58,370 --> 00:16:59,689
Good luck, mate.
293
00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:01,850
Yep. It's gonna be fine.
294
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:04,653
That's the attitude, lie to yourself.
There's no shame in that.
295
00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:06,539
Come on, it's really not a big deal.
296
00:17:06,594 --> 00:17:08,869
- Just look after Laura.
- You got it.
297
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,557
Your daddy's a brave, brave man, sweetheart.
298
00:17:12,651 --> 00:17:16,200
Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help...
299
00:17:21,437 --> 00:17:23,632
Sit down. Relax.
300
00:17:24,807 --> 00:17:27,002
- Drink?
- Yes.
301
00:17:27,053 --> 00:17:30,489
- I want this man well-lubricated.
- Affirmative, master.
302
00:17:32,429 --> 00:17:35,182
- Do you like jazz?
- Oh, God.
303
00:17:38,086 --> 00:17:41,158
Oh, yeah! Yamato!
304
00:17:41,215 --> 00:17:44,207
Fly me to Birdland.
305
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,904
You ever wish you were born
a schoolgirl in Tokyo?
306
00:17:48,837 --> 00:17:50,873
No.
307
00:17:50,923 --> 00:17:53,995
- Look, do we have to go through...
- The seduction?
308
00:17:54,052 --> 00:17:57,647
I like to break my horse in
before I ride it over the finish line.
309
00:18:13,148 --> 00:18:14,467
Oh, you mother...
310
00:18:17,561 --> 00:18:21,952
And thus I vanquish your queen.
311
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,087
What say we play the super-computer?
312
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:28,179
Hop in, Yamato.
We want to tag-team your icily logical posterior.
313
00:18:29,636 --> 00:18:31,354
No, Tom!
314
00:18:33,006 --> 00:18:34,837
What the hell you doing?
315
00:18:35,413 --> 00:18:38,883
Get your hands off my man,
you heartless, spine-chilling...
316
00:18:40,748 --> 00:18:43,137
...totally naked shit.
317
00:18:45,282 --> 00:18:47,273
A real dark turn.
318
00:18:50,136 --> 00:18:52,127
Et tu, Yamato-san?
319
00:18:56,675 --> 00:18:59,235
Can you please tell me what's happening?
320
00:19:01,328 --> 00:19:03,842
- You all right?
- Stop fighting. Both of you!
321
00:19:05,741 --> 00:19:08,096
What's going on?
322
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,901
- Sssh...
- We're just playing a game.
323
00:19:11,438 --> 00:19:13,394
Go back to sleep.
324
00:19:14,527 --> 00:19:16,916
Don't wake the children.
325
00:19:19,221 --> 00:19:20,290
Aargh!
326
00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:24,223
- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Ah, she's got a gob on her.
327
00:19:24,275 --> 00:19:26,266
Ow!
328
00:19:26,321 --> 00:19:28,152
Shhhh!
329
00:19:31,978 --> 00:19:33,855
Lasers! Damn it!
330
00:19:33,903 --> 00:19:35,894
Checkmate.
331
00:19:37,353 --> 00:19:38,752
Aaargh!
332
00:19:38,798 --> 00:19:40,072
Ow!
333
00:19:41,165 --> 00:19:43,156
I think I've broken my knuckle.
334
00:19:43,852 --> 00:19:46,844
He's probably not gonna want to fix that, is he?
335
00:19:47,463 --> 00:19:49,852
Can someone please tell me what's going on?
336
00:19:52,999 --> 00:19:57,595
- I put a parasite in the school water supply.
- He gave the children worms.
337
00:19:57,653 --> 00:19:59,723
The parasite produces an iron deficiency.
338
00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:02,612
And because your children
were malnourished anyway,
339
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:06,501
- it produced a distinctive visible symptom...
- And the kids turned green.
340
00:20:06,559 --> 00:20:09,232
And then you invented
an antidote to kill off the parasite.
341
00:20:09,287 --> 00:20:12,245
- Grrr! Meddling robot.
- I'm a chemistry teacher.
342
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,251
You're goddamn right, Heisenberg.
343
00:20:14,301 --> 00:20:17,498
- How could you infect children?
- It's private healthcare in action.
344
00:20:17,551 --> 00:20:20,543
- Supply and demand.
- Don't hate the playa.
345
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,749
Hate the game.
346
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:23,714
You nearly destroyed this community. For what?
347
00:20:23,769 --> 00:20:25,202
Dollar bills, yo.
348
00:20:25,253 --> 00:20:29,610
Old blankets, new wheels for my shopping
trolley and this fabulous dressing gown.
349
00:20:29,666 --> 00:20:31,577
That shit means more to you than human life?
350
00:20:31,632 --> 00:20:35,261
Pretty much, yes.
I didn't even really want to have sex with you.
351
00:20:35,322 --> 00:20:37,517
That was just a power thing.
352
00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:41,280
Oh, I don't mean I didn't enjoy it. You were fine.
353
00:20:41,821 --> 00:20:43,493
You were a six.
354
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:46,060
Six point five.
355
00:20:46,756 --> 00:20:49,907
- Was I late?
- Leave it.
356
00:20:51,088 --> 00:20:54,444
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- I... I couldn't come any quicker.
357
00:20:54,498 --> 00:20:56,693
Tell me about it. I took a while.
358
00:21:04,648 --> 00:21:08,163
Laura? Laura, wake up. Daddy's home.
359
00:21:08,740 --> 00:21:11,254
- Daddy!
- Let's get you better, sweetheart.
360
00:21:12,190 --> 00:21:13,908
What the?
361
00:21:14,637 --> 00:21:15,990
Come here!
362
00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:18,509
Stay away from me - I'm contagious.
363
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,560
It's paint.
364
00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:23,089
Do you have any idea
what your dad just did for you?
365
00:21:23,142 --> 00:21:26,851
You were worrying about the other kids.
I got jealous.
366
00:21:27,956 --> 00:21:30,026
- Sorry, Dad.
- Don't worry.
367
00:21:30,082 --> 00:21:31,959
I totally forgive you.
368
00:21:32,008 --> 00:21:35,045
- Something's wrong with you.
- It's down there.
369
00:21:35,097 --> 00:21:38,487
Right. That sort of stuff
is your mum's... lady-business.
370
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:42,335
- So I'll just go for a long, long walk.
- No, I mean under the bed, Dad.
371
00:21:44,043 --> 00:21:46,034
Dr Pepper?
372
00:21:46,610 --> 00:21:48,680
No wonder you didn't drink the water at school.
373
00:21:48,737 --> 00:21:51,934
I know it was wrong, but it felt so good.
374
00:21:52,227 --> 00:21:54,661
- So she was high.
- And then she went cold turkey.
375
00:21:54,995 --> 00:21:58,032
- I think these belong to someone.
- They didn't burn them!
376
00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:01,281
No, I stopped 'em. These here are your identity.
377
00:22:01,975 --> 00:22:05,570
I know what it's like to have society destroy that.
I am what I am.
378
00:22:05,626 --> 00:22:09,460
- Thanks, Felix!
- You're a good man. Or woman.
379
00:22:09,517 --> 00:22:12,190
- Can I play with my friends?
- Oh, go on, then.
380
00:22:12,245 --> 00:22:14,839
They're with Zorbotron's dad,
playing a board game.
381
00:22:14,893 --> 00:22:16,884
Operation, I think he said.
382
00:22:17,902 --> 00:22:20,211
All right, kids. Scalpels at the ready.
383
00:22:20,269 --> 00:22:23,147
No. Wait! Wait! Please, you can't do this.
384
00:22:23,638 --> 00:22:25,788
- It's immoral!
- Immoral?
385
00:22:27,610 --> 00:22:29,601
Forget about it.
386
00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:10,590
Ripped by mstoll
387
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:15,190
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