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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,476 - Bye! - Oh, I do hope Stevie's gonna be OK. 2 00:00:03,530 --> 00:00:06,966 They're just on a foraging trip. He'll be fine, Felix. 3 00:00:07,020 --> 00:00:11,013 - Have you got a little crush on him? - On Stevie? 4 00:00:11,072 --> 00:00:13,586 No! Dirty, yucky boys. 5 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:16,676 Are... are they love bites? Felix! 6 00:00:17,210 --> 00:00:18,689 That's so '90s. 7 00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:21,487 Love bite, no. It's obviously the bite of a vampire. 8 00:00:21,542 --> 00:00:24,693 - What vampire? - Button it with your science, Susan. 9 00:00:24,752 --> 00:00:27,266 A vampire crept into my room last night. 10 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:32,791 Luckily enough I set fire to the rich brocade of his cape before he got his teeth really stuck in. 11 00:00:32,855 --> 00:00:36,814 - Look! Wild garlic! - Oh. That'll keep the pesky vampire away. 12 00:00:44,489 --> 00:00:45,558 Aaargh! 13 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:48,172 Laura! Say sorry to Harry. 14 00:00:51,710 --> 00:00:55,146 - Why have they all got brooms? - Obviously I was teaching them Quidditch. 15 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:58,192 - Oi! - That girl is driving me crazy. 16 00:00:58,249 --> 00:01:01,127 - Maybe she's got ADHD. - Maybe she's eaten a magic mushroom. 17 00:01:01,178 --> 00:01:04,375 Wait, you think our daughter may be high? And you are this calm about it? 18 00:01:04,427 --> 00:01:06,418 - Kids experiment. - Oh, guys... 19 00:01:11,769 --> 00:01:15,364 Oh, my God. Is it nuclear radiation, radiation sickness? 20 00:01:15,419 --> 00:01:19,253 Open your eyes, woman! This is proof. Now give me that garlic. 21 00:01:19,311 --> 00:01:21,381 Oh, shit, they're vampires! 22 00:01:21,437 --> 00:01:26,147 - It's so obvious now I see it! - Team Jacob till I die, motherfuckers! 23 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,202 Tom! 24 00:01:28,257 --> 00:01:29,736 Oh, for fuck's sake! 25 00:01:39,931 --> 00:01:49,887 Ripped by mstoll 26 00:02:04,763 --> 00:02:06,879 Quiet! Can we have quiet? Quiet, please! 27 00:02:07,732 --> 00:02:10,724 Every child in the camp has been taken ill. 28 00:02:10,781 --> 00:02:11,975 What? 29 00:02:12,024 --> 00:02:14,822 - I wish we could Google this. - Google? I'd settle for Bing. 30 00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:18,752 - I'd "Ask Jeeves" - I am desperate. - The children must remain quarantined. 31 00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:22,080 - Only the doctor can have contact with them. - Why can't we see our kids? 32 00:02:22,134 --> 00:02:24,648 Because the disease is contagious. 33 00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,419 Stay away from me, for God's sake. 34 00:02:26,467 --> 00:02:29,300 Doctor, how come their kid ain't green? What makes them special? 35 00:02:29,355 --> 00:02:32,427 All right, we're in this together. I'll do anything to help. Name it. 36 00:02:32,484 --> 00:02:35,840 Well, I have created an antidote. 37 00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:38,203 But it needs a test subject. 38 00:02:38,261 --> 00:02:42,493 Someone willing to risk a slow and hideously painful death. 39 00:02:45,241 --> 00:02:48,233 Cool. I would put myself forward for that... 40 00:02:48,290 --> 00:02:51,805 But did I tell you about my unusual blood type... 41 00:02:53,305 --> 00:02:56,217 ...and my allergy to shellfish? 42 00:02:56,274 --> 00:02:59,072 Is there any prawns in the antidote? 43 00:02:59,603 --> 00:03:02,356 Any cockles or haddock? 44 00:03:04,297 --> 00:03:06,447 Then I'll volunteer myself. 45 00:03:09,392 --> 00:03:13,590 And now ask me anything you like. I shall do my best to answer all your questions. 46 00:03:13,644 --> 00:03:15,236 - Dr Pepper. - Not my name. 47 00:03:15,289 --> 00:03:19,043 Who stole my Dr Pepper? I took a crate from the supermarket yesterday. I'm distraught. 48 00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:22,172 I think we've got more important questions than that right now. 49 00:03:22,671 --> 00:03:25,981 - Tom? - Yeah, the thing about, you know... 50 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,349 You don't actually go blind, do you? 51 00:03:28,407 --> 00:03:31,399 Cos one lonely term, I went down to, like, a minus six. 52 00:03:31,737 --> 00:03:33,568 What? We're all thinking it. 53 00:03:33,622 --> 00:03:35,772 We're so not. 54 00:03:35,829 --> 00:03:36,864 Felix? 55 00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,982 How easy would it be for you to give me a vagina? 56 00:03:39,038 --> 00:03:41,677 Just a little buttercup. 57 00:03:41,726 --> 00:03:43,398 One a bit like Susan's. 58 00:03:48,867 --> 00:03:51,620 Who are you? Have you seen my Dr Pepper? 59 00:03:51,675 --> 00:03:54,189 Have one sip, please? Laura! 60 00:03:54,243 --> 00:03:56,803 No! Water's boring and yucky! 61 00:03:56,850 --> 00:03:59,045 Oh! Tom, can you help, please? 62 00:03:59,097 --> 00:04:01,247 - These could be the symptoms... - What can I do? 63 00:04:01,303 --> 00:04:03,976 Something! Anything! Will you just get off your arse, please? 64 00:04:04,031 --> 00:04:05,942 - Hello. - Oh, hi, Randal. 65 00:04:05,997 --> 00:04:07,555 - Been there long? - A while. 66 00:04:07,602 --> 00:04:09,672 - OK. - And you're here because? 67 00:04:09,728 --> 00:04:12,367 The children's toys and their books. 68 00:04:12,416 --> 00:04:15,294 Yes, why don't we lend your green friends some of your toys, Laura? 69 00:04:15,344 --> 00:04:18,336 - That would be a nice thing to do. - Are you out of your mind? 70 00:04:18,393 --> 00:04:20,429 Nobody cares about me! 71 00:04:20,479 --> 00:04:23,994 Susannah, the children's things could be contaminated. They need to be... 72 00:04:24,772 --> 00:04:26,808 How do I put this? 73 00:04:26,858 --> 00:04:29,133 Incinerated. 74 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:33,303 - What does incinerated mean? - It means have a nice holiday. 75 00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:36,076 Your toys need to unwind, have a bit of me-time. 76 00:04:36,125 --> 00:04:39,595 No, crossed wires. Sorry, I meant destroying her treasures with fire. 77 00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:41,373 - Oh, Randal! - Burn them, sorry. 78 00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:44,492 - You can't burn my toys! Mum! - We're gonna burn them! Burn your toys. 79 00:04:44,549 --> 00:04:47,541 - Sorry, I'm so flowery. It's a problem. - The books can't be contaminated. 80 00:04:47,598 --> 00:04:49,907 You can't burn them. They're irreplaceable! 81 00:04:49,965 --> 00:04:52,354 - Doctor's orders, Susannah. - Huh. 82 00:04:53,656 --> 00:04:57,126 - Never got the hang of flint. - OK, stop! Both of you. 83 00:04:57,708 --> 00:05:02,145 I'll talk to the doctor, try and sort this out. Don't burn anything until I get back. 84 00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:05,477 OK, I'll tell you what. How about I torch all the school books now 85 00:05:05,531 --> 00:05:07,044 and I come back later for the rest? 86 00:05:07,095 --> 00:05:09,484 - Deal? - That sounds very reasonable. 87 00:05:09,823 --> 00:05:11,814 Suze? 88 00:05:24,706 --> 00:05:28,142 - All right, Felix? - I'm a woman and my name is Felicity. 89 00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:31,269 Look, any other day I'd be your rock. But I'm gonna have to cut you off. 90 00:05:31,326 --> 00:05:33,681 Would you? See, the doctor says I need counselling 91 00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:36,042 before he gives me the old sniperoo. 92 00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,898 You'd regret such a whim! Now, about the doctor... 93 00:05:38,948 --> 00:05:40,904 He ain't green no more. The antidote works. 94 00:05:40,954 --> 00:05:43,229 Trouble is, there's not enough of it to go round. 95 00:05:43,281 --> 00:05:46,956 - I've got to speak to the doctor right now, so... - Hang on. What about equality? 96 00:05:47,012 --> 00:05:50,163 - If he sees the doctor, we all see the doctor. - Yeah! 97 00:05:50,221 --> 00:05:52,496 Probably me first, for suggesting the idea. 98 00:05:52,548 --> 00:05:55,620 The doc's taking your bids one by one. The highest bidder wins. 99 00:05:55,677 --> 00:05:57,269 Like some kind of gameshow. 100 00:05:57,322 --> 00:06:00,519 If you don't let me in, we're gonna kick the door down. 101 00:06:00,571 --> 00:06:03,290 Let's burn this hospital to the ground! 102 00:06:03,339 --> 00:06:05,136 Burn it! Help our kids! 103 00:06:05,185 --> 00:06:08,177 Your kids are in the hospital. How's burning it gonna help? 104 00:06:08,233 --> 00:06:12,226 Revolution! Come on, social media, let's make this happen! 105 00:06:12,285 --> 00:06:14,640 - Noises! Big noises! - Burn it! Help our kids! 106 00:06:14,692 --> 00:06:17,411 Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids! 107 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:21,738 Tom! Round the back, a sheet of red corrugated iron. 108 00:06:21,793 --> 00:06:24,102 Knock out the rhythm of Faith by George Michael. 109 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,673 Faith. Catchy. 110 00:06:25,724 --> 00:06:28,443 Catchy? It's bloody contagious! 111 00:06:28,493 --> 00:06:29,892 Too soon? 112 00:06:29,937 --> 00:06:33,691 Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids! 113 00:06:33,748 --> 00:06:35,739 Burn it! Help our kids! 114 00:06:49,915 --> 00:06:51,712 The books, please. 115 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,751 Stop being so damn quiet! 116 00:06:56,935 --> 00:06:58,926 You artful minx! 117 00:07:00,626 --> 00:07:03,094 This is some primitive electronic tag. 118 00:07:03,154 --> 00:07:06,032 It's like you've got me on some medieval register. 119 00:07:06,483 --> 00:07:08,599 Stop! The books are contagious! 120 00:07:16,111 --> 00:07:18,341 Doc, I need your help. 121 00:07:18,398 --> 00:07:20,389 My master will see you now, human. 122 00:07:21,246 --> 00:07:25,000 I can come back later. Cos I can assume the doctor's busy treating you? 123 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,228 Hey, girlfriend. 124 00:07:46,721 --> 00:07:50,031 Quick quezzie. Am I a pear? 125 00:07:50,692 --> 00:07:55,527 Only I've been toying with an A-line but think I got a smidge too much junk in the old trunk. 126 00:07:55,587 --> 00:07:57,259 No, I... No. 127 00:07:57,312 --> 00:07:59,587 - What's in there? - Nothing. 128 00:07:59,638 --> 00:08:03,028 It's just drinking water for the... kids. I'm amazed you're even curious. 129 00:08:03,088 --> 00:08:05,079 Oh, I'm curious all right. 130 00:08:07,702 --> 00:08:09,579 Have I got a bubble butt? 131 00:08:09,628 --> 00:08:11,698 - No. - Well, thank you. 132 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:18,077 - Well, I hope young Jessie recovers. - You're a hero, Doctor. 133 00:08:18,132 --> 00:08:22,205 It's an honour to give you all of our winter clothes and fuel and Jessie's little shoes. 134 00:08:23,227 --> 00:08:24,945 Go on. 135 00:08:26,838 --> 00:08:29,193 Thank you. 136 00:08:30,649 --> 00:08:33,846 Too many patients, not enough medicine. What can I do? 137 00:08:35,944 --> 00:08:38,060 - And the? - The robot? 138 00:08:38,111 --> 00:08:41,740 Yamato was given to me by Mrs Takagi in exchange for the antidote. 139 00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:44,918 - Daiquiri, Doctor? - Amazing what the Japanese can do. 140 00:08:44,971 --> 00:08:47,360 Mm. Feel that craftsmanship. 141 00:08:49,143 --> 00:08:51,611 You are aware that's a man with a colander on his head? 142 00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:54,901 Can't believe your own eyes, eh? Well, I don't blame you. So life-like. 143 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,520 Touch him. His skin's so soft. 144 00:08:57,567 --> 00:09:01,196 Look, my daughter's sick. She's been acting crazy... 145 00:09:01,258 --> 00:09:03,692 Tom, you can see my dilemma. 146 00:09:03,745 --> 00:09:05,337 My time is valuable... 147 00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:08,223 What do you want? I'll give you anything - just make her better. 148 00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:11,874 It's not about what I want. It's about what I need. 149 00:09:11,929 --> 00:09:14,807 The touch of another... 150 00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:18,174 But will Suze let me have it? 151 00:09:19,391 --> 00:09:21,586 - Daiquiri, Doctor? - Not now, Yamato! 152 00:09:24,366 --> 00:09:27,085 - So the doctor's gone insane. - Tom. 153 00:09:27,535 --> 00:09:31,084 - I don't feel well, Daddy. - Oh, shit. 154 00:09:31,346 --> 00:09:34,656 - You're not sleeping with him. - You act like I want to sleep with him! 155 00:09:34,716 --> 00:09:37,435 - It's not going to happen. - It's not your decision. 156 00:09:37,484 --> 00:09:39,759 Ah, this is about your pride and insecurities. 157 00:09:39,811 --> 00:09:42,883 - Wait. I'll steal it! - You can't steal medicine! 158 00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:44,692 I know where he keeps the antidote. 159 00:09:44,745 --> 00:09:47,305 I can do this, using all my natural stealth and cunning. 160 00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,389 OK. Fine. 161 00:09:49,439 --> 00:09:52,954 And when the doctor catches you, tell him I'll be along at 8:30. 162 00:09:54,213 --> 00:09:57,728 Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids! 163 00:09:57,783 --> 00:10:02,220 Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids! 164 00:10:02,517 --> 00:10:06,351 Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids! 165 00:10:06,408 --> 00:10:08,399 Oh, shit. 166 00:10:12,105 --> 00:10:14,096 - Bonsoir. - Oh! 167 00:10:14,432 --> 00:10:16,627 Sorry, Felix. 168 00:10:17,521 --> 00:10:19,477 - Felicity. - No bother. 169 00:10:19,526 --> 00:10:21,801 I'm pretty down in the dumps TBH. 170 00:10:21,853 --> 00:10:23,571 Just baring my breasts into the moon. 171 00:10:23,618 --> 00:10:26,576 Cool. Well, I've got some urgent business, so chin up and... 172 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,505 Oh, sure, I look bootylicious in the wig. 173 00:10:29,556 --> 00:10:32,753 But... underneath it all, I'm still just Felix. 174 00:10:32,805 --> 00:10:34,921 Do you want to talk about it now or? 175 00:10:34,971 --> 00:10:40,364 But one day... this chrysalis is gonna burst open and Felicity... 176 00:10:40,909 --> 00:10:43,298 Mmm - bitch is gonna fly. 177 00:10:49,975 --> 00:10:52,125 Burn it! Help our kids! 178 00:10:55,712 --> 00:10:58,385 Lasers? Oh, you'll have to do better than that. 179 00:10:59,924 --> 00:11:01,915 OK. Go on. Go, go. 180 00:11:02,452 --> 00:11:03,771 Oh shit. Shit. 181 00:11:03,816 --> 00:11:05,169 Argh! 182 00:11:05,220 --> 00:11:08,496 Well, well, Yamato. We've caught ourselves a fly. 183 00:11:08,549 --> 00:11:12,064 - Affirmative, master. - Stop pretending you're not a twat in a bin. 184 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,156 Does not compute. 185 00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:18,040 Ooh, with his laser pen. Any more fancy stationery? 186 00:11:18,097 --> 00:11:22,136 Got one of those pens with the woman and you click and her bra goes down? 187 00:11:22,189 --> 00:11:24,862 You know, cos if you do, I'd love to have, like, one peek. 188 00:11:25,358 --> 00:11:27,394 - Unless you do go blind? - Sit down, Tom. 189 00:11:27,444 --> 00:11:29,719 - No. I'm going home. - It's too late for that. 190 00:11:29,771 --> 00:11:33,081 Unless you want the people to know about this little indiscretion? 191 00:11:33,141 --> 00:11:36,178 When did you get so creepy? 192 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:42,426 Yamato, calculate the statistical probability of Laura's survival, 193 00:11:42,488 --> 00:11:44,922 if her condition remains untreated. 194 00:11:44,976 --> 00:11:49,049 Probability of survival is one in 330,000. 195 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:50,865 Ooh! 196 00:11:50,913 --> 00:11:52,744 He has made that number up on the spot. 197 00:11:52,798 --> 00:11:55,995 Do you know what I'm asking for, to save your daughter's life? 198 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,118 I'm not prostituting my girlfriend. 199 00:11:58,174 --> 00:11:59,971 I don't want her. 200 00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,011 I want... you. 201 00:12:05,114 --> 00:12:06,388 - You want? - You. 202 00:12:06,438 --> 00:12:09,191 To? 203 00:12:12,977 --> 00:12:14,933 Oh yeah, daddy. 204 00:12:14,983 --> 00:12:17,133 Yes. Yes. Deeper. 205 00:12:19,717 --> 00:12:21,275 Ahh... 206 00:12:25,775 --> 00:12:27,925 - Yeah. OK. - Really? 207 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:31,337 - Yeah, I guess. - Right. You seem quite... keen? 208 00:12:31,391 --> 00:12:33,621 I'm not keen. 209 00:12:33,678 --> 00:12:36,351 Just, what am I actually sacrificing, you know? 210 00:12:36,406 --> 00:12:38,283 But you're quite clear on what I want? 211 00:12:38,331 --> 00:12:41,448 - One night. - All night in the chocolate factory. 212 00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:45,900 - And then you give Laura the antidote? - After I ruin you. 213 00:12:45,953 --> 00:12:48,103 Come on! You're killing the romance. 214 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,878 - Tomorrow? - Sundown. 215 00:12:49,925 --> 00:12:51,916 Deal. 216 00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,974 I think a dance, Yamato. 217 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:03,550 Latin. 218 00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:06,843 Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! 219 00:13:13,273 --> 00:13:16,549 - You're not sleeping with him. - You act like I want to sleep with him! 220 00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:20,039 - You wouldn't let me sleep with him. - Yes! Because you're... you. 221 00:13:20,093 --> 00:13:22,607 I can just take it on the chin. Or wherever he wants to put it. 222 00:13:22,661 --> 00:13:24,094 Oh, and what I couldn't? Why? 223 00:13:24,145 --> 00:13:28,377 - You're gonna say it's because I'm a woman. - Yes, I am, because he doesn't fancy women. 224 00:13:28,437 --> 00:13:30,428 He fancies me. 225 00:13:30,804 --> 00:13:32,999 - Are you jealous? - No, I'm not jealous! 226 00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:37,293 Tom, have you ever... with a man? 227 00:13:37,343 --> 00:13:40,062 In year three, I let Paul Peskin touch my penis for a bet. 228 00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:42,147 - What did you get? - A shiny Bulbasaur. 229 00:13:42,198 --> 00:13:44,189 Is that a? 230 00:13:45,768 --> 00:13:48,840 Ew! Bulbasaur is a Pokemon. Please don't cheapen him. 231 00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:55,339 - Hey. You OK? - I'm scared. 232 00:13:56,078 --> 00:13:58,467 If Laura dies, then all the cockroaches I've eaten, 233 00:13:58,525 --> 00:14:01,835 all the psychotic hobos I've beaten to death won't mean a fucking thing. 234 00:14:01,895 --> 00:14:04,534 Hey, hey, I'm not gonna let that happen. 235 00:14:05,024 --> 00:14:06,935 OK? 236 00:14:06,990 --> 00:14:09,026 Morning. Anyone home? 237 00:14:10,239 --> 00:14:12,230 Who's that? 238 00:14:13,569 --> 00:14:17,323 When my daughter turned green, the doctor didn't want any of our possessions. 239 00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:19,132 So this was the obvious choice? 240 00:14:19,185 --> 00:14:24,464 The doctor's got some - I won't say racist - but some odd ideas about the Japanese. 241 00:14:24,521 --> 00:14:27,433 That they're obedient, good with technology. 242 00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:29,481 - This was our last chance... - Brilliant. 243 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,175 I'm not even Japanese. I'm from Shanghai. 244 00:14:32,223 --> 00:14:33,451 Tell us about the doctor. 245 00:14:33,507 --> 00:14:38,979 I discovered the doctor's antidote is a compound of sesquiterpene lactones and allium ursinum. 246 00:14:40,207 --> 00:14:43,677 - Wild garlic and wormwood. - I found wild garlic in the woods! 247 00:14:43,737 --> 00:14:47,412 - And you're sure about the antidote? - Before the bombs, I was a scientist. 248 00:14:47,468 --> 00:14:49,220 - I taught chemistry. - OK. 249 00:14:49,273 --> 00:14:52,663 Suze, you and Yamato go and find the plant. I'll stay with Laura. 250 00:14:52,723 --> 00:14:56,113 And if you're not back in time, then I'll do what I have to do. 251 00:14:56,173 --> 00:14:58,050 I admire you, Tom. 252 00:14:58,099 --> 00:15:00,852 I mean, I'm humiliating myself, but you? 253 00:15:00,907 --> 00:15:03,660 You are putting your arse on the li... 254 00:15:03,715 --> 00:15:05,546 yourself on the line. 255 00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:08,752 Please shut up and hurry because I really, really don't want to do this. 256 00:15:08,810 --> 00:15:10,801 Now, go on! Go! 257 00:15:16,152 --> 00:15:18,188 Dad, will you read me a fairy tale? 258 00:15:18,238 --> 00:15:20,706 Laura! These could be infected. 259 00:15:20,765 --> 00:15:22,756 But I love fairy tales, Daddy. 260 00:15:24,255 --> 00:15:26,723 All right. Come on, then. 261 00:15:26,783 --> 00:15:30,298 Which one do you want? Hans Christian Andersen... 262 00:15:30,353 --> 00:15:33,072 Or what about Tony Blair's autobiography? 263 00:15:33,121 --> 00:15:37,273 I like when it God comes down from the sky and tells Tony to invade Iraq. 264 00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:39,130 All right. 265 00:15:39,299 --> 00:15:41,369 God slapped me on the back. 266 00:15:41,425 --> 00:15:46,624 "Immoral? Forget about it." He laughed in his broad American accent. 267 00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:48,956 - Read to me about the princess. - Ah, OK. 268 00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,041 Here we go. 269 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:54,852 Chapter One. 270 00:15:54,905 --> 00:15:57,897 Usually, a girl meets her prince at a ball at a magical palace 271 00:15:57,953 --> 00:16:00,148 or in the queue for the toilets at Sugar Hut. 272 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,679 But I met Pete in the jungle. 273 00:16:01,724 --> 00:16:03,077 Ahhh... 274 00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:08,851 - Ooh. - What is it? 275 00:16:08,905 --> 00:16:10,861 I cut a worm in half. 276 00:16:10,911 --> 00:16:11,946 Yeurgh! 277 00:16:11,994 --> 00:16:15,350 That's how he's doing it! Hermaphroditic Cestoidea. 278 00:16:16,528 --> 00:16:19,804 Worms! I've got to get back before the doctor suspects me. 279 00:16:21,221 --> 00:16:22,813 Here's what you have to do. 280 00:16:23,508 --> 00:16:27,945 Writing a novel is hard, I realised when my fifth ghost-writer also killed himself. 281 00:16:28,001 --> 00:16:30,754 Ah, Suze, thank God. 282 00:16:30,809 --> 00:16:33,118 Ready to go, boss? 283 00:16:33,176 --> 00:16:35,167 Damn. 284 00:16:36,586 --> 00:16:38,224 Where are you going, Dad? 285 00:16:38,271 --> 00:16:39,989 I'm gonna get you better, sweetheart. 286 00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:43,593 I brought you gloves, gum shield and bucket. 287 00:16:44,529 --> 00:16:46,440 We're having sex, Felix. We're not boxing. 288 00:16:46,495 --> 00:16:49,453 Oh, clearly you've never seduced three shepherds, 289 00:16:49,504 --> 00:16:52,860 on a scrubland strewn with corpses underneath the Severn Bridge? 290 00:16:53,435 --> 00:16:55,107 No, no, I haven't. 291 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,993 Well, it's one for the bucket list, let me tell you. 292 00:16:58,370 --> 00:16:59,689 Good luck, mate. 293 00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:01,850 Yep. It's gonna be fine. 294 00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:04,653 That's the attitude, lie to yourself. There's no shame in that. 295 00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:06,539 Come on, it's really not a big deal. 296 00:17:06,594 --> 00:17:08,869 - Just look after Laura. - You got it. 297 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,557 Your daddy's a brave, brave man, sweetheart. 298 00:17:12,651 --> 00:17:16,200 Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help... 299 00:17:21,437 --> 00:17:23,632 Sit down. Relax. 300 00:17:24,807 --> 00:17:27,002 - Drink? - Yes. 301 00:17:27,053 --> 00:17:30,489 - I want this man well-lubricated. - Affirmative, master. 302 00:17:32,429 --> 00:17:35,182 - Do you like jazz? - Oh, God. 303 00:17:38,086 --> 00:17:41,158 Oh, yeah! Yamato! 304 00:17:41,215 --> 00:17:44,207 Fly me to Birdland. 305 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,904 You ever wish you were born a schoolgirl in Tokyo? 306 00:17:48,837 --> 00:17:50,873 No. 307 00:17:50,923 --> 00:17:53,995 - Look, do we have to go through... - The seduction? 308 00:17:54,052 --> 00:17:57,647 I like to break my horse in before I ride it over the finish line. 309 00:18:13,148 --> 00:18:14,467 Oh, you mother... 310 00:18:17,561 --> 00:18:21,952 And thus I vanquish your queen. 311 00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,087 What say we play the super-computer? 312 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:28,179 Hop in, Yamato. We want to tag-team your icily logical posterior. 313 00:18:29,636 --> 00:18:31,354 No, Tom! 314 00:18:33,006 --> 00:18:34,837 What the hell you doing? 315 00:18:35,413 --> 00:18:38,883 Get your hands off my man, you heartless, spine-chilling... 316 00:18:40,748 --> 00:18:43,137 ...totally naked shit. 317 00:18:45,282 --> 00:18:47,273 A real dark turn. 318 00:18:50,136 --> 00:18:52,127 Et tu, Yamato-san? 319 00:18:56,675 --> 00:18:59,235 Can you please tell me what's happening? 320 00:19:01,328 --> 00:19:03,842 - You all right? - Stop fighting. Both of you! 321 00:19:05,741 --> 00:19:08,096 What's going on? 322 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,901 - Sssh... - We're just playing a game. 323 00:19:11,438 --> 00:19:13,394 Go back to sleep. 324 00:19:14,527 --> 00:19:16,916 Don't wake the children. 325 00:19:19,221 --> 00:19:20,290 Aargh! 326 00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:24,223 - I'm gonna fucking kill you. - Ah, she's got a gob on her. 327 00:19:24,275 --> 00:19:26,266 Ow! 328 00:19:26,321 --> 00:19:28,152 Shhhh! 329 00:19:31,978 --> 00:19:33,855 Lasers! Damn it! 330 00:19:33,903 --> 00:19:35,894 Checkmate. 331 00:19:37,353 --> 00:19:38,752 Aaargh! 332 00:19:38,798 --> 00:19:40,072 Ow! 333 00:19:41,165 --> 00:19:43,156 I think I've broken my knuckle. 334 00:19:43,852 --> 00:19:46,844 He's probably not gonna want to fix that, is he? 335 00:19:47,463 --> 00:19:49,852 Can someone please tell me what's going on? 336 00:19:52,999 --> 00:19:57,595 - I put a parasite in the school water supply. - He gave the children worms. 337 00:19:57,653 --> 00:19:59,723 The parasite produces an iron deficiency. 338 00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:02,612 And because your children were malnourished anyway, 339 00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:06,501 - it produced a distinctive visible symptom... - And the kids turned green. 340 00:20:06,559 --> 00:20:09,232 And then you invented an antidote to kill off the parasite. 341 00:20:09,287 --> 00:20:12,245 - Grrr! Meddling robot. - I'm a chemistry teacher. 342 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,251 You're goddamn right, Heisenberg. 343 00:20:14,301 --> 00:20:17,498 - How could you infect children? - It's private healthcare in action. 344 00:20:17,551 --> 00:20:20,543 - Supply and demand. - Don't hate the playa. 345 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,749 Hate the game. 346 00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:23,714 You nearly destroyed this community. For what? 347 00:20:23,769 --> 00:20:25,202 Dollar bills, yo. 348 00:20:25,253 --> 00:20:29,610 Old blankets, new wheels for my shopping trolley and this fabulous dressing gown. 349 00:20:29,666 --> 00:20:31,577 That shit means more to you than human life? 350 00:20:31,632 --> 00:20:35,261 Pretty much, yes. I didn't even really want to have sex with you. 351 00:20:35,322 --> 00:20:37,517 That was just a power thing. 352 00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:41,280 Oh, I don't mean I didn't enjoy it. You were fine. 353 00:20:41,821 --> 00:20:43,493 You were a six. 354 00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:46,060 Six point five. 355 00:20:46,756 --> 00:20:49,907 - Was I late? - Leave it. 356 00:20:51,088 --> 00:20:54,444 - I don't wanna talk about it. - I... I couldn't come any quicker. 357 00:20:54,498 --> 00:20:56,693 Tell me about it. I took a while. 358 00:21:04,648 --> 00:21:08,163 Laura? Laura, wake up. Daddy's home. 359 00:21:08,740 --> 00:21:11,254 - Daddy! - Let's get you better, sweetheart. 360 00:21:12,190 --> 00:21:13,908 What the? 361 00:21:14,637 --> 00:21:15,990 Come here! 362 00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:18,509 Stay away from me - I'm contagious. 363 00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,560 It's paint. 364 00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:23,089 Do you have any idea what your dad just did for you? 365 00:21:23,142 --> 00:21:26,851 You were worrying about the other kids. I got jealous. 366 00:21:27,956 --> 00:21:30,026 - Sorry, Dad. - Don't worry. 367 00:21:30,082 --> 00:21:31,959 I totally forgive you. 368 00:21:32,008 --> 00:21:35,045 - Something's wrong with you. - It's down there. 369 00:21:35,097 --> 00:21:38,487 Right. That sort of stuff is your mum's... lady-business. 370 00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:42,335 - So I'll just go for a long, long walk. - No, I mean under the bed, Dad. 371 00:21:44,043 --> 00:21:46,034 Dr Pepper? 372 00:21:46,610 --> 00:21:48,680 No wonder you didn't drink the water at school. 373 00:21:48,737 --> 00:21:51,934 I know it was wrong, but it felt so good. 374 00:21:52,227 --> 00:21:54,661 - So she was high. - And then she went cold turkey. 375 00:21:54,995 --> 00:21:58,032 - I think these belong to someone. - They didn't burn them! 376 00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:01,281 No, I stopped 'em. These here are your identity. 377 00:22:01,975 --> 00:22:05,570 I know what it's like to have society destroy that. I am what I am. 378 00:22:05,626 --> 00:22:09,460 - Thanks, Felix! - You're a good man. Or woman. 379 00:22:09,517 --> 00:22:12,190 - Can I play with my friends? - Oh, go on, then. 380 00:22:12,245 --> 00:22:14,839 They're with Zorbotron's dad, playing a board game. 381 00:22:14,893 --> 00:22:16,884 Operation, I think he said. 382 00:22:17,902 --> 00:22:20,211 All right, kids. Scalpels at the ready. 383 00:22:20,269 --> 00:22:23,147 No. Wait! Wait! Please, you can't do this. 384 00:22:23,638 --> 00:22:25,788 - It's immoral! - Immoral? 385 00:22:27,610 --> 00:22:29,601 Forget about it. 386 00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:10,590 Ripped by mstoll 387 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:15,190 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 30888

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