All language subtitles for Citizen Khan s03e04 Farmer Khan.eng

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.

The capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

Do you like my suit?

Number one. Citizen Khan.

Mum... What do you think?

I'm so excited about today.
Are you ready?

I just need to get my bag.
Is Dad coming?

He's in there. What's he doing?

There's a civic reception
for Prince Charles

at the town hall tonight.

Everyone who is anyone in
Birmingham has had an invitation.

So...

Your dad's still waiting for his.

Heard anything yet?

Any minute now.
I'm on hold to the press office.

How long have you been on hold?

15 hours.

15 hours?
Haven't they answered yet?

Yes, of course they have.
They know me really well.

Every time I call, this woman answers
and says, "Oh, it's you again,"

and puts me back on hold.

Well, can I have my phone
back now, please?

No! That's for incoming.

You don't want to meet
Prince Charles, Dad.

I mean, what would you talk about?

Shazia, me and Prince Charles
got a lot in common.

We always wear the same suit.

Both got two children, one good,

one not so good.

And we're both big supporters
of the Green issues.

How do you support Green issues?

Pakistan, isn't it!

You know, when we're best mates,

Charlie boy might come round
for tea and pakoras.

Oh, yes, it'll be like
a lad's night in!

Then Camilla will call and say,

"Hello, Charlie darling.

"Are you coming home?

"Because your tea is getting cold".

"No, I'm sorry, Camilla.

"I'm hanging with my BFF, Mr Khan".

Dad, I don't think we're the kind of
people that get invited to meet royalty.

Rubbish. Dr Prakash got
an invitation, and he's an Indian!

He's a doctor.
And I'm a community leader!

Just as important
and as useful as doctor.

I think a doctor might be
a bit more useful if you're ill.

Not an Indian doctor, sweetie.

Every time I go to see an Indian doctor,
I come home feeling much worse.

You should be glad to have a chance
to support your mother's career!

Farms are boring!
Just for a couple of hours.

What about college? It's actually
illegal not to go to college, you know.

Bit late to be worrying about that.

All you have to do is come
to our stall at the city farm

and look interested.

Shazia! Do you want
a lift into town?

It's your fiance...

Amjad.

We'll come and support you, Mum.
Won't we, budhoo?

Yes.

To do what?

Mum's got a stall at the city farm.

I persuaded
Brian it would be a great way

of promoting our organic milk.

It's the Fair and Fresh range.

We're sponsoring Daisy the cow.

Oh, right.

To do what?

She's doing a 24-hour skipathon.

Wow!

They just help to pay for her
upkeep. Cows can't skip, budhoo.

You say that, but I've seen
a squirrel that can water ski.

I should get my own tea, shall I?

So are you going to come
and support me, then?

No, sweetie, I'm busy!

If it all goes well, who knows?

Brian said I could be up
for a promotion!

Stupid Brian.

It's for a good cause, Dad.

Organic is how food is meant to be.
It's natural.

There's nothing natural about
charging ?4 for an apple, Shazia.

Free. That's how food is naturally.

If they wanted it to be really natural,
they'd give it away for nothing.

MOBILE RINGS

This is it! This is it!

My invitation to the
Prince Charles civic reception.

Oh!

Hello, Mr Khan,
community leader speaking!

'This is an urgent message about
your payment protection insurance...

'In the last ten years...'
It's for you!

Mr Khan!

Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

Wa'alaikum salaam, Riaz!

Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

Hello, Dave.

We're going to the city farm.
Are you coming?

Oh, God, not you as well!
What are you going there for?

Well, we have to support the local
community, Mr Khan. And I think it's

important that we stay in touch
with our farming heritage.

I'm sorry, but you're not getting me
along to a poncey-shmoncey love-in

for tree huggers and bean ticklers.

I'm not sure that's the right
expression... Listen, Dave,

the likes of me get invited
to civic receptions.

The likes of you hang about
at glorified petting zoos.

There's going to be
a surprise visit from a VIP.

You might even get to meet him.

Who is it?
I'm not really allowed to say.

Let me guess, some washed up,
X Factor winner? No, thank you.

He's really into the use
of organic fertiliser.

So is next door's cat.

He's from a large and important
family. Lives in a big house?

Not Mr Javed!

No. It's...

Oh, God!

Not Gary flippin' Lineker!

I tell you,

that man would turn up to
the opening of a crisp packet.

So you're not coming? No!

Bye-bye.

God.

Honestly.

Oh, Charlie!

HE SHOUTS IN URDU

Thank you, God!

Right, let's get this
show on the road!

Yes, Brian.

Remember, we want as much
publicity out of this as possible.

OK, so, I'll hand out the free samples
and then I'll give out the leaflets.

And then I'll tell everyone about the
cows we're sponsoring, and then I...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, now. Remember,
there's no "I" in team.

This is a joint effort.

Of course, Brian.

Off you go, then.

Dave! Dave! Over here!

Poop! Poop!

Mr Khan. Hello, Dave.

What are you doing here? I'm here to
support our local community, Dave.

You know me, I'm all for staying
in touch with our farming heritage.

Salaam alaikum.

So you're here to support
the City Farm organic initiative?

That's right. Really?

Of course not.
I'm here to meet Prince Charles.

Why are you wearing a dress?

This is what all royal family wear
when they visit the countryside.

Prince Charles, Wills, Harry,
Duke of Edinberg -

they all wear Scottish man dress.

I don't want Prince Charles
to feel like he sticks out.

Apart from his ears, obviously,

but he can't do anything
about them, eh?

Look, ladoo. Look at these.

Aww, they're so sweet!

Amjad's getting broody.

He wants to start trying for
a baby as soon as we're married.

Too much information!

Look, there's a baby, and there's
another one, and there's a baby too!

They're all babies!

We've got a rare breed
breeding programme going on here.

It's a really exciting project,
actually.

Are you interested
in livestock at all? I am.

In fact, we've got a
Dairy Shorthorn cow

that's ready to calve any time now.

If you stick around,
you might even see it happen!

Random!

Did you hear that, budhoo?
We might see a calf being born.

I would love that.

How about you? Will you be there?

Of course. I'd love it too.

In the meantime, perhaps we could
try and drum up some more business?

Good idea, Brian!

If it all goes well today, Mrs Khan,

I might promote you to frozen foods.

Thanks, Brian!

Right, where he is? Let the
Pakistani dog see the royal rabbit.

He's running a bit late.

Maybe he had to stop
for a royal wee, huh?

I just need to find out
who's in charge around here.

WOMAN LAUGHS LIKE A HORSE

That's her.

How do you know that?

We leaders have
natural authority, Riaz.

I can see it a mile away.

Plus, she's got that stupid, horsey
laugh, that all posh peoples do.

Haw-haw-haw!

So! Prince Charles civic reception,
here I come.

Shouldn't you go
and say hello to Mrs Khan?

Some of us are real men, Dave.

You don't find us running around
after our wives all the time.

Oh, hello, sweetie.

I was just looking for you.
What are you doing here?

He's here to meet Prince... Ahem!

I've come to support you,
my darling.

I thought you said you
were too busy? I was teasing!

I was always planning on coming,

I just wanted to surprise you!

You found out about
Prince Charles, didn't you?

No.

Then why are you dressed like that?
Like what?

Like a Pakistani Braveheart?

I didn't want to
get my suit all muddy.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hello, hello, hello.

You remember Brian, my boss.

Salaam alaikum.
So, how are you getting on, Mrs K?

Very well, Brian.

And how many people
have tried our taster cups?

None.

Oh.

Oh, well. Not to worry.
I'm sure we'll turn it round.

All hands to the pumps, eh?

Yes, Brian.

I don't know what to do,
I think I need some help.

Maybe if there were two of you?

Really, you mean that?

Of course!
Go and ask Shazia.

So, obviously we want to highlight
all the organic produce we have

here as well as talking about the
animal welfare side of things...

Yes?
Salaam alaikum.

Jolly good.

I don't think we've met.

Mr Khan. Community Leader.
They all know me.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT OBNOXIOUSLY

I'm sorry? That's OK.

No, I mean I didn't catch your name.

Khan. Khan.

And how would one spell that?

The same as two would.

I'm afraid we're at cross purposes.

That's because only one
of us is talking English.

Me, Mr Khan.

K, H for hat, A for Asian,
N for knowledge.

Are you one of the Scottish Khans?

No!

Of course not.

Don't worry, there's no
dodgy foreigners around here.

I'm as English as apple pie.

And chicken tikka masala.

I see. Well, I'm Marina.

Fairchild.

I was dark child.

I have two dark children.

Lovely daughter, Alia.

And other daughter. Also mine.

So. You're the big boss, isn't it?

I am the president
of the committee, yes.

Great. So you can introduce me
to Prince Charles. What?

Is he here yet?
I'm dying to meet him.

Ah. Well, I'm afraid that's
not going to be possible.

What! Why?

Oh, well, HRH is on
an extremely tight schedule,

so he only has time to meet
a very select group.

I am a very select group!

How many Pakistanis have
you seen dressed like this?

I know, I am sorry.

But, you know, do please stay
and cheer his arrival. What?

All right, Mr Khan?
Isn't this exciting!

No, it's not, Dave. It's a disgrace.

Oh. Why's that?

Why do you think?

You know, the only people that
get to meet Prince Charles

are that lot over there?
I'm just as good as them.

Just because I don't do
the silly, red-rummy laugh.

Haw-haw-haw!

Well, to be fair, Mr Khan,
they are the City Farm committee.

What about him? He doesn't look
like he's on the committee.

He's the vet. The vet's very
important on the farm. Why?

You got to look after the animals.

Ha! How hard is that? Give them food. Keep
them clean. Don't let them kill each other.

It's the same as children.

It's a bit more
complicated than that.

There's all the different types
and they all have different needs.

Rubbish. Animal is animal.
Look at this one...

Anyone can look after that.

What the hell is it?

They're ferrets, Mr Khan.

Farmers used to use them
to catch rabbits.

Yeah. And they kept them
down their trousers.

What! Why? I think that's
how they like to be carried.

I'm not sure that's right.

What are you doing?

I don't think you should
take it out of it's cage.

Relax, Dave, I'll put it
straight back.

Please be careful, Mr Khan.
Ferrets have very sharp teeth.

He's fine. Aren't you?
Salaam alaikum.

Hey, you want to hold him?
Say hello to Uncle Davey.

No! Someone's coming.

Quick, put it back!

All right, all right,
keep your knickers on!

Do something!

Hello again.

Is everything all right?

Yes, thank you.

It's great to see
so many people here, isn't it?

Oh, yes. We're having
a wonderful time.

Aren't we?

Oh, yes.

It's very fascinating.

Ah? Are you interested
in animal husbandry?

Very much so.

And what about you?

Yes!

About this animal husbandry...
Do the animals have big weddings?

Because maybe we can double up
with my daughter

and share the costs
with a hippopotamus.

Is your friend all right?

He's fine. Don't worry about him.

HE MOANS

He's just, er, getting ready to pray.

We're Muslims, you see.
We pray a lot.

Ooooh, God!

There you are.

I think it's biting him!

Is it biting you?

Yes!

Can you shake it off?

It won't let go.

What's going on?

He's put a ferret down his trousers.

What?!

Good heavens!
Hi! Hi!

Oh, dear.

Is it bad? It's not good.

Can't you just pull it off?

Certainly not. They can be very
tenacious once they've latched on.

Particularly when they're
frightened.

I told you not to frighten it.

Will, come over here
and take this man away.

And give the ferret a sedative.

We need to have everybody out of
here once the royal party arrive...

MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh, it's you again.

Hello. What do you want?

So, the vet's gone?

Yes. So you've got a spare place
on your reception party, huh?

Ah. So where do I stand?

Um, no, the thing is, Will was
going to be talking about our

breeding programme,
organic techniques and so on...

I can do that. Oh, you have
farming knowledge, do you?

Oh, yes. I know all of it.

The crops, the chickens,
the sheeps, the goats.

But not the pigs, though!

HE SCREECHES LIKE A PIG

I see. But you're not
a veterinarian?

You don't have any actual
qualifications from the RCVS?

Oh, yes. I've got loads!

RCVS, RSVP,

R2D2.

Now, look, Mr Khan, I'm sorry
but it's just not possible.

Oh. So maybe you think you can't
have a brown organic vet farmer?

No, I didn't say that...

We Pakistanis invented
organic farming.

It's all the dung, isn't it?

Oh, no, no, I'm sure you're right.

There's loads of dung
in Pakistan.

Here some dung, there some dung,
everywhere some dung-dung.

Well... all right, but...

just stand at the back and don't
speak unless you're spoken to.

Don't worry, I'll be all ears.

Oh, oh, no - that'll
be Prince Charlie, won't it?

OK, everyone, line up.

Now, the royal party
are a few minutes away now,

so I just want to run over the
procedure before they get here.

We'll run over the procedure.

Right. So, when the
royal car arrives,

I shall go out and greet
His Royal Highness.

Go out and greet him.

And you will all stay here.

You stay here.

All of you. Yes!

After which, I will bring him in
and introduce him to the line-up.

Introducing.

And then I will give him
a short tour of the farm.

Tour.

Right. So, you need to be down here
at the end.

What?!

Now, when I come to introduce him,
the correct etiquette is as follows.

You hold out your hand
and you wait for him to take it.

Then it's a bow of the head
for the men

and a little bob curtsey for
the women, nothing too extravagant!

And then I shall introduce you
and you will say,

"Your Royal Highness."

So, for instance,
here I am entering with HRH,

we approach the line-up and
I will say,

"Sir, may I introduce you to..."

MRK.

I beg your pardon?

Well, he's HRH and I'm MRK.

Mist-R Khan!

HE WHISPERS
Oh, my goodness!

What? What is it? Is it
Prince Charles? No, it's Daisy.

She's in labour.
Well, that's all right, then.

We need Will.

Oh! He's switched his phone off.
This is so inconvenient!

What about HRH?
What time's he getting here?

Mr Khan. You can deliver
Daisy's baby.

What? Apparently it's stuck,
so you'll need to reach in

and pull it out.

But I don't even know the woman!

Daisy's a cow.

Well, I'm not doing that either.

But you said you
knew all about animals.

Is the cow halal? What?!

I only deal with halal animals.

I'm an expert in goats.

Goats are Pakistani.
It's the beards, you see.

But we need your help.
I'm sorry, Your Horsiness,

but I'm not sticking my hand up
a cow's nonny-nonny for anybody!

Oh, hello, sweetie! What's the
matter, is everything all right?

Not really. I'm sorry, but you can't
be in here. You'll have to leave.

Do you mind? This is my wife.

Oh, no wonder she's upset.

Come on, sweetie.
Tell me all about it.

Only, be quick, cos I've got to
meet Prince Charles in a minute.

My stall didn't work out
like I hoped

and nobody was interested
in my taster cups.

Oh, well. I'm afraid today's been
a bit of a disappointment.

And then, to cap it all,
a ferret escaped and...

did its business
in the milk churn.

Now it really is organic.

To be honest, I always thought that
sponsoring a cow was a bad idea.

And we've got no publicity
out of it at all.

Now I'll be stuck on
shelf stacking duty for ever!

Right, sweetie. I need you
to do something for me.

What?

Take your clothes off.

What?! I'm going to show you
how much I love you.

Now?

Not all of them, just your apron.

OK. Why? What are you going to do?

I'm going to offer
the farming community

the Pakistani hand of friendship!

And tell Prince Charles I said,

"Salaam Alaikum!"

Hello, sir.

Hello, Amjad. What are you doing
here? We came to see the baby calf.

And the tent got evacuated because
somebody let the ferrets out.

Where's the vet? He's not here, but
Mr Khan is stepping into the breach,

so to speak.

What?

He's something of
an expert with cows.

OK...

THE COW MOANS

How is she? Fine.

She's still a cow.

And the calf? Yes,
that's still in there too.

Oh, dear. So, do you think
you might need to... What?

...give her a bit of help? Huh?!

I mean, you must have had
to deal with this sort of thing

back on your farm in Pakistan.

Of course.

Right.

Thank goodness
your father's here.

I'm not sure I'd know what to do.

No. Me neither.

Oh gosh, HRH is here! What?!

I really have to go and greet him.

Look, you carry on, and I'll come
back once the royal party have left.

You can't!

Dad! This is mum's last chance
to impress Brian.

Right. Amjad,
I'm going to need a hand.

Oh, no, sir.
Please, don't make me...

Just get her tail
out the way, you idiot.

Oh, OK.

THE COW SCREECHES

It's very dark.

Oh!

Here it goes...

THE COW GROANS

Oh!

Does it feel OK?

Not really.

Is she having contractions?

I don't think so-ohhhhh!

I think she's having one, sir!

Yes, thank you, Amjad!

Owww!

GROANS

Uh, I think we should give
Daisy some privacy.

Right!

THE COW GROANS LOUDLY

Amjad!

What's happened?

The calf's foot got stuck and
Mr Khan had to try to get it free.

It was so hard.
I'm not sure we did it right.

Oh, no... But it's all over now.

BOTH: Oh, my God!

You did it!

I got the calf, sweetie!

What about Daisy?

She's fine.

Oh, well done!

Well done! Yes, well done, indeed!

And well done, Mrs Khan.

I knew it was a good idea!

And well done, budhoo.
He held the tail!

We'll have a baby one day.

But it won't look like that.

Hi.

Where have you been?

Thanks for that.
It's a big relief.

You were amazing, Dad.

Uh! You should probably
get cleaned up!

And I'm sorry you didn't
get to meet Prince Charles.

That's OK.

Your Royal Highness, here he is,

the hero of the hour!

Sir, may I present Mr Khan,
community leader

and deliverer of calves!

PRINCE CHARLES SPEAKS UNINTELLIGIBLY

Definitely, your Royal Princeness.

MR KHAN SCREECHES EXCITEDLY

Lovely. Shall we?

What did he say?

I've absolutely no idea.

But I'll tell you one thing,

I'm never washing this hand again!

Oh, you look nice, my darling.

Thank you. And thank you
for helping me with my job.

That's OK.

You're my wife and
I'll always support you.

Just promise me
you won't sponsor any elephants.

Brian was thrilled
with all the publicity.

He said he might consider me

for a junior trainee
assistant manager job.

Next year.

You deserve it.

I can't believe we're going
to the civic reception.

Have you got the invitation?

They're going to call me and tell me
where we need to pick it up.

Hang on.

Where's my phone?

When did you last see it?

When I was in the barn
with Daisy...

Oh, twaddi!

MOBILE RINGS

DAISY MOOS

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