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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
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the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
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00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:16,068
Do you like my suit?
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Number one.
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Citizen Khan.
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TANNOY: 'Flight 262 now landed.
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'Please collect your baggage
from the carousel number two.
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'Any unattended baggage
will be removed or destroyed.'
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Come on, hurry up,
our bags are here.
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Dad! Quick! That one's mine!
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00:00:33,024 --> 00:00:34,044
HE SIGHS
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And that one!
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And that one.
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00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,056
And that one.
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00:00:44,084 --> 00:00:48,012
You know the problem with this
family? Too much excess baggage.
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It's all my wedding stuff, Dad.
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I wasn't talking about that.
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Why do you need so much stuff?
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It's her wedding! Her big day.
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Everyone will be there.
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All my friends, all my family.
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We've just seen most of
your family back in Pakistan,
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and ruddy useless
they turned out to be!
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There's Naani's trunk.
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LOUD THUD
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I would've thought one of them
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would offer to contribute to
the wedding costs, but, oh, no.
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All they gave us to bring back
is her and her blooming trunk.
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I don't think you
can blame her, Papaji.
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Yeah, it's not Naani's fault
she's got no money.
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No, because that's not Naani.
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SHE SPEAKS URDU
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SHE SPEAKS URDU
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Oh, my God!
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Where's Naani?
I thought you put her in the chair.
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She must still be on the plane.
BOTH: Oh, my God!
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Chillax. We'll just tell someone
and they can go and collect her.
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You'd better hurry up. It's leaving
for Mogadishu in five minutes.
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Right.
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Oi!
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Sir!
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Sir!
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Sir! Sir! Please! You
can't go down there!
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It's OK. I'm Mr Khan, community
leader. They all know me... aaargh!
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LOUD THUD
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HE GRUNTS
Oh, no.
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Oh, twaddi.
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Well?
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They said the flight's already gone.
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SHE GASPS
Naani's on her way to Mogadishu!
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With Dad!
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SHE SNORTS
Brilliant.
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Naani! Haan. Where have you been?
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Toilet.
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And Accessorize.
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Oh, twaddi!
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HE SCREAMS
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There she is.
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00:02:59,076 --> 00:03:02,016
Hello, Papaji!
Hello, beti.
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00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:05,076
Look, I got the new
call-to-prayer app on my phone.
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CALL TO PRAYER PLAYS
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CALL TO PRAYER STOPS
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Good, eh? And it lets you pause
Angry Birds while you pray!
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BELL TINKLES
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OK, OK!
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I gave her a bell.
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Oh, so she doesn't get lost again.
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00:03:24,048 --> 00:03:27,008
Ah. Plus it stops her
killing the sparrows.
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Custard creamies?
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Chillax, Cookie Monster!
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I haven't got any.
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Eat your fish fingers.
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What do you think of this?
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"Silver Beech Homes."
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"Secure accommodation
for the elderly and infirm."
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Looks all right.
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Will they take you though?
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It's not for me. It's for Naani.
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Naani's going to stay in a home?
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Oh, yes! Thank you, God!
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I knew you were on my side.
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Mr Khan and God - one, Naani - nil.
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Now I'm working at the supermarket,
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I won't be able to be with
her all the time.
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We've got to think
what's best for her.
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Exactly. I'm only thinking of her.
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I think she'll be happier there.
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Of course she will!
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00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,092
Look, they got bingo!
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00:04:15,092 --> 00:04:17,048
You like bingo, don't you?
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And day trips.
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It's like wrinkly Butlins.
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00:04:21,004 --> 00:04:24,016
I know it's not the way we usually
do things in our culture...
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00:04:24,016 --> 00:04:27,076
Sweetie, we Pakistanis need
to adopt British values,
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one of them being dump your
old peoples into a nice home
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till Christmas, isn't it?
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00:04:32,052 --> 00:04:34,012
What do they do in Pakistan?
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Alia, beti, in our culture, when
a person becomes too old and frail
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00:04:38,084 --> 00:04:43,096
to look after themselves, we bring
them in, give them food and warmth,
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then take them up to the hills and
leave them for the dogs and crows.
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It's nature's way.
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00:04:50,064 --> 00:04:53,056
You've been going to the day centre
there, haven't you?
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00:04:53,056 --> 00:04:55,032
They're all really nice.
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00:04:55,032 --> 00:04:58,020
The manager, Sam, has
taken a real shine to her.
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Sam is my friend.
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See, it's perfect.
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00:05:01,024 --> 00:05:04,052
They already know her, so it
won't be a nasty shock to them.
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00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,080
Oh, I'll miss her.
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Me too.
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00:05:09,052 --> 00:05:12,088
I know, beti. We'll all miss her.
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00:05:12,088 --> 00:05:15,008
But we have to respect
Naani's wishes,
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00:05:15,008 --> 00:05:16,248
however sad that makes us feel.
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00:05:21,048 --> 00:05:23,056
HE SINGS A HAPPY TUNE
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Doesn't he look smart, Dad?
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00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,048
Yes, Shazia.
Although looks can be deceptive.
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I've been accepted on
a PCSO training course.
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00:05:39,064 --> 00:05:41,016
Oh, you're a hobby bobby.
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A community support officer.
I've got a utility belt.
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Very nice.
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You know you're not
supposed to eat samosas.
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00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,160
You know what they do to you.
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00:05:56,072 --> 00:05:58,052
Besides, they're for Mrs Qureshi.
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What? Mad old lady
lives across the road?
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00:06:00,048 --> 00:06:02,084
Cat always pooping in our garden?
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00:06:02,084 --> 00:06:05,000
She's in hospital.
Great!
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00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,096
In a sad way.
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00:06:08,096 --> 00:06:11,004
Mum, this could be
a nice wedding outfit.
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00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,008
I thought you already
had your wedding outfit?
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00:06:13,008 --> 00:06:15,092
Yeah, that's the Pakistani one.
Now I need to get the English one.
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00:06:15,092 --> 00:06:18,068
All these outfits,
how many weddings are we having?
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One! A great, big
Pakistani wedding!
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00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,068
Yeah, but I also want it to have
a modern, British element.
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00:06:24,068 --> 00:06:27,008
Of course! But the Pakistani
wedding is the main one.
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00:06:27,008 --> 00:06:29,080
Actually, Mum, we were thinking
we could have a joint ceremony,
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combining elements of both cultures.
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00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:33,068
And then we'll have
the big Pakistani one.
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00:06:33,068 --> 00:06:36,056
No, there'll only be one ceremony...
Before the big Pakistani one.
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00:06:36,056 --> 00:06:38,016
No... After the big Pakistani one.
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No... Big Pakistani wedding!
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Shall we talk about it later, yeah?
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Thing is, Dad, it's a lot of money.
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00:06:45,064 --> 00:06:47,060
We've got to make sure
we spend it right.
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00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:50,000
Don't look at me.
I wanted a conservatory.
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Thank God we only have
to go through this once.
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00:06:54,032 --> 00:06:55,072
What about Alia?
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00:06:55,072 --> 00:06:57,084
Don't be ridiculous, Amjad.
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00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,080
Alia is devoted to her studies.
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00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,052
She's not interested in boys.
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00:07:02,052 --> 00:07:04,072
I'll sneak out
and see you later, yeah?
151
00:07:07,088 --> 00:07:10,056
Who was that, sweetie?
The imam, Papaji.
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00:07:12,072 --> 00:07:15,016
He's giving me
tuition over the internet.
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00:07:15,016 --> 00:07:17,048
Oh! What a girl.
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00:07:18,096 --> 00:07:21,048
You see, Amjad, this is what a
caring,
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00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:23,056
loving father works hard for.
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One daughter doing well at school,
other daughter getting married,
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and mother-in-law being taken
into residential care.
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Life doesn't get better than that.
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KNOCKING
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Salman I like him, Mr Khan.
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Hello, Keith. Lovely to see you!
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00:07:41,024 --> 00:07:43,068
Welcome back! How was Pakistan?
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00:07:43,068 --> 00:07:46,036
Oh, just like Birmingham,
but less Pakistanis.
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Don't just stand there, come in!
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You seem in a good mood today.
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I'm in a wonderful mood -
Naani's going into a home!
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Oh, right.
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00:08:00,036 --> 00:08:02,032
You want to be careful
of those places.
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00:08:02,032 --> 00:08:04,088
Always touching you for
money, they are. Are they?
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00:08:04,088 --> 00:08:08,084
My granny went into a care home.
They made her set up a direct debit
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00:08:08,084 --> 00:08:11,020
to pay for theatre trips and so on...
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00:08:11,020 --> 00:08:13,004
emptied her bank account.
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00:08:13,004 --> 00:08:15,004
By the time she died,
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00:08:15,004 --> 00:08:17,080
she didn't have a penny to her name,
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but she did know all
the words to Miss Saigon.
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00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,040
Well, Naani's skint.
They can touch her all they like.
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00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:28,016
All they're going to get is shingles
and a bit of athlete's foot.
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Right. Now, the reason
I came round...
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Yes, thank you. OK. Bye-bye!
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DOORBELL
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Mr Khan? Yes?
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My name's Sam, Sam Wallis,
from The Silver Beech Care Home.
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Oh! You're here! Come, come...
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Come here!
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00:08:52,076 --> 00:08:54,008
HE CHUCKLES
186
00:08:55,052 --> 00:08:58,036
Naani! The nice woman's
come to take you away!
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00:09:00,096 --> 00:09:02,084
I've not come to take her away.
188
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,092
Not today. But soon, though, eh?
189
00:09:04,092 --> 00:09:06,044
In the fullness of time.
190
00:09:06,044 --> 00:09:09,000
Couple of weeks?
It's hard to say... A month?
191
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,068
I'll take her when she's ready.
192
00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:12,080
Right. But you will take her?
193
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,096
Yes.
194
00:09:13,096 --> 00:09:15,044
Allahu akbar!
195
00:09:15,044 --> 00:09:17,008
I owe you big time!
196
00:09:18,008 --> 00:09:19,092
Sam! Hi, Sam.
197
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,020
Hello.
198
00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:23,096
Right, she's through there.
Don't worry, she doesn't bite,
199
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,072
unless she's got her teeth in.
200
00:09:25,072 --> 00:09:28,024
I'll take her through, Dad.
201
00:09:28,024 --> 00:09:29,072
HE SIGHS
202
00:09:29,072 --> 00:09:32,000
Oh, she's nice, isn't she?
203
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,064
Nice? She's taking Naani away.
She's a gift from God!
204
00:09:35,064 --> 00:09:37,092
When are you going to
take Naani's trunk upstairs?
205
00:09:37,092 --> 00:09:39,008
After I've eaten.
206
00:09:39,008 --> 00:09:41,080
No samosas.
Just take her trunk upstairs.
207
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,056
But it's too heavy. I'll have to
take some stuff out of it first.
208
00:09:44,056 --> 00:09:47,064
No! You can't go into
Naani's trunk - it's private!
209
00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:49,092
But it's...
I said don't go in there!
210
00:09:49,092 --> 00:09:51,012
But it weighs a tonne.
211
00:09:51,012 --> 00:09:54,096
What's she brought back with her,
half a dozen illegal immigrants?
212
00:09:56,088 --> 00:09:59,048
Amjad can help you.
You don't mind, do you, beta?
213
00:09:59,048 --> 00:10:00,088
No. There you are, then.
214
00:10:00,088 --> 00:10:02,032
Thanks, Officer Dibble
215
00:10:06,092 --> 00:10:08,032
We're here to serve.
216
00:10:10,084 --> 00:10:12,016
Mind the banister!
217
00:10:12,016 --> 00:10:14,000
Sorry, sir.
218
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,036
Got it. Here we are.
219
00:10:18,064 --> 00:10:20,036
Come on, just a few more steps.
220
00:10:24,084 --> 00:10:28,060
I can't hold it any longer, sir.
My head really hurts.
221
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:32,000
We just need to find
a place to put it.
222
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,064
THUD
Oh...
223
00:10:33,064 --> 00:10:36,004
Sorry, sir. Amjad!
224
00:10:38,008 --> 00:10:39,044
God!
225
00:10:39,044 --> 00:10:42,000
Look at all this rubbish.
226
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,036
What is...?
227
00:10:43,036 --> 00:10:45,004
What is...? God!
228
00:10:46,072 --> 00:10:49,072
Eh? Oh, God!
229
00:10:49,072 --> 00:10:51,004
Ugh!
230
00:10:54,036 --> 00:10:55,064
HE GRUMBLES
231
00:10:58,064 --> 00:11:00,032
Hold on, what's that?
232
00:11:01,088 --> 00:11:04,032
We should put it back.
It's probably private.
233
00:11:04,032 --> 00:11:06,008
Mrs Khan said not
to look in the trunk.
234
00:11:06,008 --> 00:11:08,084
Mrs Khan said we should let
Shazia choose her own husband
235
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:10,036
and look where that got us.
236
00:11:15,028 --> 00:11:16,068
Oh, my God!
237
00:11:16,068 --> 00:11:18,016
I knew it!
238
00:11:18,016 --> 00:11:21,004
Is Mrs Khan the secret
daughter of a Maharajah,
239
00:11:21,004 --> 00:11:24,032
which means Shazia's
an actual real-life princess?
240
00:11:24,032 --> 00:11:26,044
No.
241
00:11:26,044 --> 00:11:28,052
Oh, right. What is it then?
242
00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:32,024
It's Naani.
The old bat is worth ?25,000!
243
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,072
ALIA: Papaji!
244
00:11:33,072 --> 00:11:35,088
Oh, God. Put this away.
245
00:11:35,088 --> 00:11:37,028
Quick, quick, quick. Quick.
246
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:49,028
Hello, beti.
We just brought the trunk up.
247
00:11:49,028 --> 00:11:51,048
Naani wants me
to bring her something.
248
00:11:57,036 --> 00:11:59,052
Why does she want that?!
249
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,000
I mean...
SOFTLY: why does she want that?
250
00:12:03,052 --> 00:12:06,008
Dunno. I think she wants
to show it to Sam.
251
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,052
Oh, twaddi!
252
00:12:14,056 --> 00:12:16,072
Where's Naani!
Dad! What have you done to Amjad?
253
00:12:16,072 --> 00:12:19,044
Never mind that. We need to keep
Naani away from that Sam woman.
254
00:12:19,044 --> 00:12:22,016
Don't be silly. She's a godsend,
you said it yourself.
255
00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:23,092
They get on so well,
Naani loves her.
256
00:12:23,092 --> 00:12:26,040
Of course she loves her.
That's how it works.
257
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:29,084
They lure them in with
bingo and boiled sweets.
258
00:12:29,084 --> 00:12:31,024
What are you talking about?
259
00:12:31,024 --> 00:12:34,044
Can't you see what's happening?
She's after Naani's money!
260
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:37,000
What money?
Naani doesn't have any money.
261
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,040
Yes, she has.
There was a letter in her...
262
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,096
HE CLEARS THROAT
263
00:12:40,096 --> 00:12:43,008
There was a letter in her what?
264
00:12:43,008 --> 00:12:45,060
Nothing. Nowhere.
She hasn't got a letter.
265
00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:47,016
What about that one we saw?
266
00:12:49,044 --> 00:12:51,032
Remember? The one you opened...
267
00:12:53,004 --> 00:12:56,028
All I'm saying is
we have to be careful.
268
00:12:56,028 --> 00:12:58,044
What if she's one of those
evil con artists
269
00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:00,020
who preys on old, vulnerable ladies,
270
00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:02,068
like Fiona Bruce
on The Antiques Roadshow.
271
00:13:04,096 --> 00:13:09,024
Come on, Shazia.
Your father's gone mad... again.
272
00:13:09,024 --> 00:13:11,024
Wait! Where are you going? Shopping.
273
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,092
Stop!
274
00:13:20,092 --> 00:13:22,048
Oh, hi.
275
00:13:22,048 --> 00:13:24,016
Would you like a cup of tea as well?
276
00:13:24,016 --> 00:13:26,020
What? No. What about a samosa?
277
00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:27,084
They're for Mrs Qureshi.
278
00:13:27,084 --> 00:13:30,076
Oh. Mrs Khan said it was OK.
279
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,076
Sam can have.
280
00:13:32,076 --> 00:13:35,080
What is mine is yours.
Oh!
281
00:13:38,056 --> 00:13:39,080
Now, look,
282
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:42,052
she's not going into a home after
all. We've changed our minds.
283
00:13:42,052 --> 00:13:44,016
Oh? No, we haven't.
284
00:13:44,016 --> 00:13:46,084
Chup. She's not ready.
We have other plans.
285
00:13:46,084 --> 00:13:48,064
You're not putting me out to crow!
286
00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:53,004
Of course not.
287
00:13:53,004 --> 00:13:55,048
You must do whatever you want to do.
288
00:13:55,048 --> 00:13:57,012
I want to come with you.
289
00:13:57,012 --> 00:13:59,060
But... That's what you'll do, then.
290
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:02,096
Now, I just need to get
you to fill out this form.
291
00:14:02,096 --> 00:14:04,056
Form? What form?
292
00:14:04,056 --> 00:14:06,004
Oh, it's nothing.
293
00:14:06,004 --> 00:14:09,080
It's just something we need
off all our clients. Let me see.
294
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,020
Erm, it's private.
295
00:14:11,020 --> 00:14:12,088
Look, she's not signing anything!
296
00:14:12,088 --> 00:14:14,076
You're not signing anything!
297
00:14:14,076 --> 00:14:17,008
I'm sure she can
make her own mind up.
298
00:14:17,008 --> 00:14:20,008
Erm, shall we go in the other room?
299
00:14:20,008 --> 00:14:21,024
Haan.
300
00:14:21,024 --> 00:14:25,000
You're right,
I don't need to see a form.
301
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,032
It's none of my business, really.
302
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,080
Oh, my God, there's
a vulture on the clothes line!
303
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,048
What? What?!
304
00:14:35,092 --> 00:14:37,068
I tell you what...
305
00:14:37,068 --> 00:14:41,068
you stay here and watch the birds,
306
00:14:41,068 --> 00:14:43,064
we'll go and fill in this form,
307
00:14:43,064 --> 00:14:47,000
and I'm going to
have another samosa.
308
00:14:49,036 --> 00:14:50,060
Heh!
309
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,088
Come on, come on. Come on, hurry up.
310
00:14:58,056 --> 00:15:00,036
What's going on, sir?
311
00:15:00,036 --> 00:15:01,088
Take all your clothes off.
312
00:15:03,008 --> 00:15:06,052
What! We can't do it with
your clothes on, can we?
313
00:15:07,088 --> 00:15:09,016
I suppose not.
314
00:15:15,052 --> 00:15:17,064
Can I still marry Shazia afterwards?
315
00:15:20,012 --> 00:15:21,064
What are you talking about?
316
00:15:21,064 --> 00:15:23,040
What are YOU talking about?
317
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,052
My plan to prove what that
Sam woman is really up to.
318
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,088
Oh, right!
319
00:15:31,044 --> 00:15:35,092
She's trying to get Naani to sign
a form to give away all her money!
320
00:15:35,092 --> 00:15:37,076
We should tell Mrs Khan!
321
00:15:37,076 --> 00:15:40,076
Oh, right, we can't, cos
she doesn't know about the money.
322
00:15:40,076 --> 00:15:43,020
We should tell her about the money!
323
00:15:43,020 --> 00:15:46,032
Oh, right, we can't, cos
we're not supposed to know about it.
324
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:49,024
We should make a plan!
325
00:15:49,024 --> 00:15:51,032
Oh, right, you said that already.
326
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,036
What if there was an even older
lady with even more money?
327
00:16:00,036 --> 00:16:01,056
Which old lady?
328
00:16:01,056 --> 00:16:02,096
Mrs Qureshi across the road!
329
00:16:02,096 --> 00:16:04,048
But she's in the hospital.
330
00:16:06,016 --> 00:16:07,040
Or is she?
331
00:16:08,096 --> 00:16:11,004
No. Amjad...
332
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,056
Please, sir, don't make me.
333
00:16:12,056 --> 00:16:16,088
Amjad, this is our family
inheritance we're talking about.
334
00:16:16,088 --> 00:16:19,028
This money could help
provide for your future,
335
00:16:19,028 --> 00:16:20,068
or pay for your wedding,
336
00:16:20,068 --> 00:16:21,084
or my conservatory.
337
00:16:22,088 --> 00:16:23,096
But, sir...
338
00:16:23,096 --> 00:16:26,080
Amjad, you love Shazia, don't you?
339
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,092
You want to be a good husband?
340
00:16:28,092 --> 00:16:31,072
Yes. Then stop moaning
and dress up as a woman.
341
00:16:32,072 --> 00:16:34,020
No, I won't do it.
342
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:35,040
Right, fine.
343
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,068
But we have to get our
hands on that form somehow.
344
00:16:37,068 --> 00:16:40,036
Which form? The direct debit form!
345
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,072
OK, I've got another plan,
346
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:47,044
but if this doesn't work,
347
00:16:47,044 --> 00:16:49,000
it's bra and panties time.
348
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,036
Sorry, sir.
349
00:17:04,068 --> 00:17:05,080
Hello.
350
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:10,028
We... I was wondering
if you would like a cup of tea...
351
00:17:12,004 --> 00:17:16,092
...to go with the cup of tea that
you already seem to be drinking.
352
00:17:16,092 --> 00:17:18,072
I think we're all right, thanks.
353
00:17:18,072 --> 00:17:21,004
Would you like to see
my utility belt?
354
00:17:21,004 --> 00:17:22,048
Sorry?
355
00:17:22,048 --> 00:17:25,096
It's very interesting. It's got
lots of useful things on it.
356
00:17:25,096 --> 00:17:27,016
OK.
357
00:17:44,076 --> 00:17:49,076
It's a standard issue flashlight.
It has two beam strengths -
358
00:17:49,076 --> 00:17:53,004
on and off. Fab.
359
00:17:53,004 --> 00:17:57,016
But I need to talk to Naani about
something in private now, so...
360
00:17:57,016 --> 00:17:58,040
OK.
361
00:18:02,068 --> 00:18:04,044
Is he all right?
362
00:18:04,044 --> 00:18:06,068
Marrying granddaughter.
363
00:18:06,068 --> 00:18:08,076
Aw. He's sweet.
364
00:18:10,052 --> 00:18:13,060
Not like that son-in-law.
He's a strange one, isn't he?
365
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:16,076
Total bewakoof!
366
00:18:16,076 --> 00:18:18,036
THEY LAUGH
367
00:18:20,028 --> 00:18:21,044
Did you just see...?
368
00:18:22,048 --> 00:18:24,032
Did the trolley just jump?
369
00:18:24,032 --> 00:18:26,044
CALL TO PRAYER PLAYS
370
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,076
Mr Khan?
371
00:18:36,076 --> 00:18:38,088
Sh! I'm praying.
372
00:18:41,012 --> 00:18:42,028
Really?
373
00:18:42,028 --> 00:18:46,064
Yes. It's mobile prayer trolley -
latest thing.
374
00:18:49,008 --> 00:18:52,024
Actually, could you
point me towards Mecca?
375
00:18:56,044 --> 00:18:57,060
Thank you.
376
00:19:01,020 --> 00:19:04,004
Hi, Papaji.
Hello, beti. Where's that Sam woman?
377
00:19:04,004 --> 00:19:06,008
In the kitchen,
washing up the tea cups,
378
00:19:06,008 --> 00:19:08,060
then she's taking
Naani to the day centre.
379
00:19:08,060 --> 00:19:09,092
That's what she thinks.
380
00:19:09,092 --> 00:19:11,044
See you later, Naanijaan!
381
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,028
What are you doing, idiot?
382
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,096
Chup. You're not going anywhere.
383
00:19:15,096 --> 00:19:18,024
And I'll look after that.
Give me that back!
384
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:21,004
I'm doing this for you!
Idiot! Bewakoof!
385
00:19:21,004 --> 00:19:23,024
Come on.
SHE PROTESTS
386
00:19:23,024 --> 00:19:26,004
Come on, it's for your own good.
387
00:19:26,004 --> 00:19:27,080
In you go!
SHE SHOUTS
388
00:19:30,032 --> 00:19:31,052
Idiot!
389
00:19:38,024 --> 00:19:39,072
You'll thank me later.
390
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,036
Salaam aleikum.
391
00:19:47,036 --> 00:19:48,080
HE CLEARS THROAT NOISILY
392
00:19:51,076 --> 00:19:53,064
Oh, hello.
393
00:19:53,064 --> 00:19:56,068
I'm sorry about earlier.
I was just a bit emotional,
394
00:19:56,068 --> 00:19:59,056
you know, about putting
my mother-in-law into a home.
395
00:19:59,056 --> 00:20:03,028
Well, it's understandable.
It's a big decision,
396
00:20:03,028 --> 00:20:05,056
but I'm sure she'll be very happy.
397
00:20:05,056 --> 00:20:06,068
Of course.
398
00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:09,056
And there's someone else who wants
to talk to you about your scam -
399
00:20:09,056 --> 00:20:11,024
your scheme - your home.
400
00:20:11,024 --> 00:20:12,064
Who's that?
401
00:20:12,064 --> 00:20:14,096
Mrs Qureshi from across the road.
402
00:20:14,096 --> 00:20:17,012
Right.
403
00:20:17,012 --> 00:20:18,088
Where is she, then?
404
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:25,024
Here she is.
405
00:20:27,088 --> 00:20:29,012
Say hello.
406
00:20:31,072 --> 00:20:35,036
She's a poor, old, Pakistani lady,
407
00:20:35,036 --> 00:20:37,012
all alone in the world,
408
00:20:37,012 --> 00:20:39,092
with just her vast savings
for comfort.
409
00:20:39,092 --> 00:20:44,000
Oh, there's lots of ladies
like you there.
410
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,012
I doubt that.
411
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:48,080
So, is there some sort of form
we need to fill in?
412
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,008
Oh, there's no rush.
413
00:20:50,008 --> 00:20:53,016
Oh, there is. She's very keen,
aren't you?
414
00:20:53,016 --> 00:20:56,016
Oh, well, I suppose I could. Yeah...
415
00:20:56,016 --> 00:20:57,060
Right, then.
416
00:20:57,060 --> 00:20:59,044
OK.
417
00:20:59,044 --> 00:21:00,088
Here we go.
418
00:21:00,088 --> 00:21:03,052
Great. I tell you what, give it
to me and I'll fill it in for her.
419
00:21:03,052 --> 00:21:06,012
Oh, I'm sure she can
do it by herself.
420
00:21:06,012 --> 00:21:08,072
No, she can't.
Terrible education, you see.
421
00:21:08,072 --> 00:21:10,056
Oh. Pakistan?
422
00:21:10,056 --> 00:21:12,000
No, Sparkhill.
423
00:21:15,028 --> 00:21:19,040
Well, I'm sure she can
speak a bit of English.
424
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,028
I tell you what, you tell me
and I'll put it down.
425
00:21:22,028 --> 00:21:23,040
No!
426
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,064
Why not?
427
00:21:24,064 --> 00:21:28,032
It's the accent.
It's a bit difficult to understand.
428
00:21:28,032 --> 00:21:30,048
It's OK, I can manage.
429
00:21:30,048 --> 00:21:33,064
I'm used to listening to
a lot of Asian ladies.
430
00:21:33,064 --> 00:21:35,028
I wasn't talking about hers.
431
00:21:36,052 --> 00:21:39,000
Oh, I see.
432
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,016
You just don't want women
to speak for themselves.
433
00:21:42,016 --> 00:21:44,040
No, I don't want THIS woman
to speak for herself.
434
00:21:45,096 --> 00:21:48,088
Right. Last name?
435
00:21:48,088 --> 00:21:49,096
Qureshi.
436
00:21:53,052 --> 00:21:54,056
Qureshi.
437
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,004
First name?
438
00:22:00,028 --> 00:22:01,032
Ah... Mm...
439
00:22:03,048 --> 00:22:05,084
What's your first name, sweetheart?
440
00:22:05,084 --> 00:22:07,020
Amjad.
441
00:22:16,008 --> 00:22:17,048
MRS KHAN: We're back!
442
00:22:20,068 --> 00:22:22,008
Oh, hello, darling.
443
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:23,044
What's going on?
444
00:22:23,044 --> 00:22:26,004
Sam's just filling in
a form for Mrs Qureshi.
445
00:22:26,004 --> 00:22:27,048
Mrs Qureshi?
446
00:22:27,048 --> 00:22:31,020
Yes, you know,
Mrs Qureshi from across the road?
447
00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:33,056
You mean this Mrs Qureshi?
448
00:22:37,076 --> 00:22:39,044
Oh, twaddi!
449
00:22:42,044 --> 00:22:45,028
They discharged her
so we gave her a lift home.
450
00:22:45,028 --> 00:22:48,012
Er... So, if that's...
451
00:22:48,012 --> 00:22:50,048
Imposter!
452
00:22:50,048 --> 00:22:52,096
How dare you wheedle
your way into our home!
453
00:22:54,044 --> 00:22:56,052
Who the hell is this?
454
00:22:56,052 --> 00:22:57,084
Oh, my God!
455
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:59,076
She's wearing my wedding outfit!
456
00:23:01,092 --> 00:23:03,012
Oh, no.
457
00:23:05,044 --> 00:23:07,032
Amjad?
458
00:23:07,032 --> 00:23:08,080
Is that you?
459
00:23:17,056 --> 00:23:18,080
Hello, ladoo.
460
00:23:23,036 --> 00:23:25,044
But, Shazia, I didn't know.
461
00:23:25,044 --> 00:23:27,060
It's my wedding outfit, budhoo.
462
00:23:27,060 --> 00:23:31,056
You're not even supposed to see it,
never mind wear it!
463
00:23:31,056 --> 00:23:33,004
Sorry.
464
00:23:33,004 --> 00:23:34,032
It's very nice though.
465
00:23:34,032 --> 00:23:38,008
Well, I can't wear it now, can I?
It's ruined.
466
00:23:38,008 --> 00:23:40,064
Amjad, what were you thinking?
467
00:23:40,064 --> 00:23:44,016
Yes, Amjad, what were you thinking?
468
00:23:44,016 --> 00:23:48,020
You said I had to wear something
that made me look rich and mental.
469
00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:50,060
This was all I could find.
470
00:23:50,060 --> 00:23:52,088
Could somebody tell me
what's going on?
471
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:57,092
She's trying to get her
hands on Naani's assets!
472
00:23:57,092 --> 00:23:59,016
What?
473
00:23:59,016 --> 00:24:00,068
I beg your pardon?!
474
00:24:00,068 --> 00:24:03,052
Don't try and deny it, Fiona Brucie.
475
00:24:03,052 --> 00:24:04,080
I know your type,
476
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,076
preying on vulnerable old ladies.
477
00:24:06,076 --> 00:24:09,024
Are you mad? Sam's a saint.
478
00:24:09,024 --> 00:24:12,012
She's spent her whole life
caring for people.
479
00:24:12,012 --> 00:24:13,096
It's true, Papaji. I googled her.
480
00:24:13,096 --> 00:24:15,060
She's got an MBE and everything.
481
00:24:15,060 --> 00:24:18,020
What about the form
and the direct debits?
482
00:24:19,056 --> 00:24:22,012
It's a medical insurance form
483
00:24:22,012 --> 00:24:24,060
and this is your Naani's.
484
00:24:24,060 --> 00:24:27,004
Our guests have to list their
medical conditions
485
00:24:27,004 --> 00:24:30,008
before they come and stay with us -
it's the law.
486
00:24:31,020 --> 00:24:32,044
Hai!
487
00:24:32,044 --> 00:24:34,052
I thought only sheep got that one.
488
00:24:36,028 --> 00:24:38,060
I...I think I must be going.
I think...
489
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:41,004
No, please, don't!
Let her go.
490
00:24:41,004 --> 00:24:44,080
Locking old people
away in tiny rooms
491
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:48,000
and stealing their life savings.
492
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,092
I'm only thinking of Naani.
493
00:24:49,092 --> 00:24:51,012
Where is Naani?
494
00:24:53,020 --> 00:24:54,052
Oh...
495
00:25:01,008 --> 00:25:04,056
I locked her in the cupboard
at the bottom of the stairs.
496
00:25:04,056 --> 00:25:05,092
Oh, my God!
497
00:25:05,092 --> 00:25:07,040
THEY GASP
498
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,052
Oh, Naani! Are you OK?
499
00:25:17,052 --> 00:25:18,088
Haan.
500
00:25:18,088 --> 00:25:21,060
Yes, Naani, are you OK?
501
00:25:21,060 --> 00:25:24,000
Oh!
502
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,060
I should report you
to social services.
503
00:25:26,060 --> 00:25:28,072
I gave her a biscuit, didn't I?!
504
00:25:28,072 --> 00:25:30,052
What the hell are you playing at?
505
00:25:30,052 --> 00:25:32,072
I'm just trying to protect
Naani's money.
506
00:25:32,072 --> 00:25:34,076
She hasn't got any money!
507
00:25:34,076 --> 00:25:38,052
Right. I'm going to
tell you the truth.
508
00:25:38,052 --> 00:25:40,024
I've done something very shameful.
509
00:25:40,024 --> 00:25:43,060
I told you not to eat the samosas.
510
00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:45,008
Not the samosas!
511
00:25:46,012 --> 00:25:48,044
I looked inside Naani's trunk
512
00:25:48,044 --> 00:25:50,048
and I found this.
513
00:25:50,048 --> 00:25:52,080
It says she's worth thousands!
514
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,028
Naani? Is this true?
515
00:25:54,028 --> 00:25:55,036
Haan.
516
00:25:55,036 --> 00:25:56,056
You see.
517
00:25:56,056 --> 00:25:58,048
And all I was trying
to do was keep it safe
518
00:25:58,048 --> 00:26:01,024
so no-one else could get
their grubby paws on it.
519
00:26:01,024 --> 00:26:03,012
You, give Naani back her letter.
520
00:26:04,012 --> 00:26:07,084
But, sweetie, it is a lot of
money...
521
00:26:07,084 --> 00:26:10,012
and it is your inheritance
we're talking about.
522
00:26:10,012 --> 00:26:12,088
But it's not mine, is it?
It's Naani's.
523
00:26:12,088 --> 00:26:15,040
And we have any right to expect it.
524
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:20,004
And anyway, Naani's already given me
everything I could ever need.
525
00:26:20,004 --> 00:26:22,024
I want nothing more from her.
526
00:26:22,024 --> 00:26:23,080
Not even a conservatory?
527
00:26:25,024 --> 00:26:26,040
Dad!
528
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,052
All right, OK! Here, Naanijaan.
529
00:26:29,052 --> 00:26:31,016
It's your money
530
00:26:31,016 --> 00:26:33,076
and you should be able to do
whatever you want with it.
531
00:26:33,076 --> 00:26:35,096
What you want to do with it, Naani?
532
00:26:37,044 --> 00:26:39,000
I want to give to you.
533
00:26:40,024 --> 00:26:41,056
Two - nil!
534
00:26:44,052 --> 00:26:46,068
No, Naani, you mustn't.
535
00:26:46,068 --> 00:26:50,056
Let me do this.
It will make me very happy.
536
00:26:50,056 --> 00:26:51,060
OK.
537
00:26:53,060 --> 00:26:56,020
It's 25,000...
538
00:26:56,020 --> 00:26:57,072
Told you.
539
00:26:57,072 --> 00:26:58,076
...rupees.
540
00:27:02,036 --> 00:27:03,096
What?!
541
00:27:03,096 --> 00:27:06,020
25,000 rupees.
542
00:27:06,020 --> 00:27:09,012
Oh, Naani, thank you.
543
00:27:09,012 --> 00:27:10,052
What's that in pounds?
544
00:27:10,052 --> 00:27:11,092
About 150.
545
00:27:13,096 --> 00:27:16,092
That's enough to pay for
the deposit on that wedding outfit.
546
00:27:16,092 --> 00:27:19,076
Come on! We can still get
there before the shops shut.
547
00:27:19,076 --> 00:27:21,020
Sam, come with us!
548
00:27:24,028 --> 00:27:26,020
Come on, Mrs Qureshi,
549
00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:27,060
you can help me choose.
550
00:27:30,096 --> 00:27:36,004
And you can stay and look after
Naani and the other Mrs Qureshi.
551
00:27:36,004 --> 00:27:39,004
And, by the way, she hasn't
got any money either.
552
00:27:40,056 --> 00:27:43,036
But I do have a penny
I need to spend.
553
00:27:46,084 --> 00:27:48,004
Wonderful.
554
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,036
Is it a 1p or a 2p?
555
00:27:53,086 --> 00:27:57,636
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