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1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:08,200
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
2
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:13,680
Community leader.
3
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,760
They all know me...
You like my suit?
4
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:29,680
Number one - Citizen Khan.
5
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,320
KHAN HUMS
6
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,870
I'm worried about Naani.
7
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,230
Me too.
8
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,590
Something's not right, is it?
9
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,110
No.
What do you think's wrong with her?
10
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,000
She's still bloody here,
that's what's wrong with her!
11
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,510
She was only supposed to be
staying one week.
12
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,030
When's she going back to Pakistan?
13
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,310
No, I mean she's not herself.
14
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,870
She's forgetful.
15
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,070
She just sits there all day,
staring into space.
16
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,750
She's old lady.
17
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,800
What do you want her to do?
Hokey bloody cokey?
18
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:10,430
It says in my magazine that Naani's
behaviour could be the first sign of,
19
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:11,710
you know, losing it a bit.
20
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,230
Maybe I should call someone.
21
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,630
Good idea.
22
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:15,560
How about travel agent?
23
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,910
If she doesn't perk up soon,
she's not going back to Pakistan.
24
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,670
She'll just have to stay here
with us.
25
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:22,800
What?!
26
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,070
Aargh! Aargh!
27
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,670
SHE SPEAKS IN URDU
28
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,960
You scared the life out of me!
29
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,960
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
30
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,430
Hello, Papaji.
31
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,230
Just doing my homework.
32
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,670
Such a good girl! All right,
Naanijaan?
33
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,430
Looking forward to going back
Pakistan?
34
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,440
It's got much better
while you've been here, you know.
35
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,120
I hear they got a Nando's there now!
36
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,280
Piri-piri chicken yum yum, isn't it?
37
00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,230
We can't send her back
to Pakistan like this.
38
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,150
Of course we can.
She's fine. Aren't you, Naanijaan?
39
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,390
SHE SPEAKS URDU
...idiot!
40
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,350
See? Perfectly normal.
41
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,000
Naani, you want a biscuit?
42
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:04,750
It's a good one.
43
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:05,680
Custard creamy.
44
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,990
Nahin. Come on.
Have a little biscuit.
45
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,870
Come on, come on, come on.
46
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,920
Dad! She's not a dog!
47
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,910
I know that, Shazia.
48
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,200
Maybe she needs a walk.
49
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,110
You want to go walkies?
50
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,830
This isn't right.
51
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,030
Look, there's a test in here.
Let's try it on her.
52
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,950
Ah, good idea, then you'll see.
53
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,960
Come on, come on!
54
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,430
Naanijan, we just want to ask you
a few questions, is that OK?
55
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,070
Easy peasy.
56
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,590
Go on, ask her the first one.
57
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,950
OK. Ready? Haan.
58
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:48,840
In one minute, name five animals
you would find on a farm.
59
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,240
Five animals you would find
on a farm, Naanijaan.
60
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,960
Sheep.
61
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,030
Sheep! Very good.
62
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,160
Any more?
63
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,310
Sheep.
64
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,520
You said sheep.
65
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,120
Supermarket.
66
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,390
What?!
67
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,800
I mean, what, what, what?
68
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,920
Try to think, Naanijaan.
69
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,040
Pig.
70
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,590
Pig!
71
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,320
Very good. Only three more.
72
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:22,560
HE CLIP-CLOPS
73
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,510
What are you doing?
74
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,240
I think there's a leak
coming from under the sink, sweetie.
75
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,870
Oh, no, time's up.
76
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,110
You did really well, Naanijaan,
really well.
77
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,630
(She only got two!)
78
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,030
Two's good.
79
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,720
In Pakistan, that's an A plus.
80
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,390
We can't send her back like this.
81
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,070
Of course we can!
82
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,750
No, she's just going to have to stay
here and live with us.
83
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,390
No bloody way!
84
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,590
I'm not breaking the news to
immigration.
85
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,910
Oh, hello!
86
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,560
We're sorry, we've got one more.
87
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,670
She needs to get out more.
88
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,630
Get some stimulation,
meet new people.
89
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,470
Maybe you could take her
to the mosque! What, me?!
90
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,680
But I'm getting on the mosque
committee, sweetie.
91
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,310
Yes, OK, yes, I'll take her.
92
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,750
Good. And you could sign her up
for some classes.
93
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,400
Good idea - maybe we could start
with bloody charades!
94
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,150
There must be something on
at the community centre you like.
95
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:38,960
Karaoke night. That sounds good, eh?
96
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,510
Come on! Everyone likes karaokes!
97
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,070
Who could you do?
98
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,830
Maybe one of the older lady singers,
eh?
99
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,190
Cher!
100
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,230
No.
101
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,950
Diana Ross!
102
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,750
No. Lulu!
103
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:56,870
We-e-e-e-ll...
104
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,040
...aah! Allah hu Akbar!
105
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,350
SHE SPEAKS URDU
106
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,950
I want you to go back home too,
107
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,080
but Mrs Khan wants you
to cheer up first.
108
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,750
Oh, how about Wing Chung Kung Fu
self-defence class?
109
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,390
Protect yourself from the muggers.
110
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,670
Ah ha-ha wooah...
111
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,440
Ahh... Raargh...
112
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,070
Salaam Aleikum.
113
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,030
Weleikum Asalaam.
114
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,400
It's all right, Naani,
they're not muggers.
115
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,310
It's Omar and Riaz. You remember
the mother-in-law, don't you?
116
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:35,870
Of course.
117
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,030
Salaam Aleikum.
118
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:43,150
I hope that Allah continues to bless
you with a long and happy life,
119
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,480
and may his bounty rain down
upon your head always!
120
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:49,800
Hello.
121
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,230
I'm trying to find her something
to do. Otherwise she just sits there staring into space.
122
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,270
My grandmother, back in Somalia,
123
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,110
she had become very forgetful
when she was old.
124
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:06,630
We were very worried, so we spoke
to the village's traditional healer
125
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,510
and he gave us
some very good advice.
126
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,430
Yes, thank you, but I'm not
feeding my mother-in-law some medicine
127
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,470
made of snake's blood
to drive out the evil spirits.
128
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,560
I was going to suggest Sudoku.
129
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,830
Just get her some tea
and a biscuit, will you?
130
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,870
I'm going to see the new mosque
manager.
131
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,990
He's going to put me
on the committee.
132
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,510
It's OK. He's a good guy.
133
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,070
Oh! Have you met him?
Yes, we have.
134
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,390
And is he one of us?
135
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,950
Oh, yes.
136
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,510
Oh, thank God for that.
137
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,990
Things are going to be different
around here.
138
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,030
Now we've finally got rid of
ginger Dave.
139
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,510
I liked Dave.
140
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,750
Don't get me wrong.
141
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,350
I got nothing against ginger peoples
in the mosque,
142
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:51,400
but once you let one in,
then the floodgates open.
143
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,160
We got to guard ourselves
from this creeping gingerfication.
144
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,000
I'm like the brown finger
in the ginger dyke.
145
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,760
Salaam Aleikum.
146
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,030
Aie! Who are you?
147
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,870
I'm the new mosque manager.
148
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,320
Not again!
149
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,030
I thought you said he was one of us?
150
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,800
He is, he's an Aston Villa fan.
151
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,280
Up the Villa!
152
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,990
No! There must be some kind of
mistake.
153
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,870
We've already had a ginger manager,
you see.
154
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,510
Sorry, I'm not with you.
155
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,110
The last mosque manager, Dave -
he was also a ginger
156
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:33,670
so we've done our bit
for equal opportunities.
157
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,430
Hey, we're not all the same,
you know.
158
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:36,750
I'm actually nothing like Dave.
159
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,120
What's your name?
160
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,320
Dave.
161
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,230
Oh, God!
162
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,510
And you are? Mr Khan,
community leader, they all know me.
163
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:47,590
CLEARS THROAT
164
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,110
Well, Mr Khan, I see this job
as a great opportunity.
165
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,070
I want to concentrate on helping
the little people of Sparkhill.
166
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,640
Ah, right, you mean
the Bangladeshis!
167
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,750
I want to try and help
the underprivileged,
168
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:02,750
the weak, the downtrodden,
those who have lost all hope...
169
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,800
In that case,
you want Wolverhampton.
170
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,070
I'm not sure I follow.
171
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:12,350
Listen, Dave, all that stuff
I said before about gingers,
172
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,110
I didn't mean you.
173
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,310
You're all right.
174
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:16,550
Thanks.
175
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,470
You're welcome.
176
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:22,390
You see, what you have to understand
is, to get anything done round here,
177
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,350
you need a "friend"
on the mosque committee.
178
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,390
Oh, I see - are you on the mosque
committee? I don't know, am I?
179
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,470
I don't know, are you?
180
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,350
I could be.
181
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:37,870
I don't understand. There aren't
any places on the mosque committee. That's right. Not any more, eh?
182
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:41,240
Well, there was one,
but I've already given it to someone. What? Who?
183
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,390
Right, come on, we've got to go.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
184
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,270
No!
He was looking for something
185
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,990
for his mother-in-law.
To stop her going doolally.
186
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,030
I've got just the thing - a drop-in
day today at the Community Centre.
187
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,190
Tea and biscuits. Lots of company.
Sound good?
188
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:05,030
No, thank you!
We don't need any help from you.
189
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,960
Why don't you just go back
to where you came from?
190
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,510
I'll tell you this much, Dave,
191
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:15,200
since you arrived, this mosque
has gone really downhill.
192
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:19,520
CAR HORN TOOTS
193
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,430
We're not going home.
194
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,310
I'm going to find something
for you to do if it kills me.
195
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,800
Come on, come on!
196
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,470
SHE SPEAKS URDU
...stupid man!
197
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:38,110
I'm not taking you home!
There must be somewhere you can go.
198
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,870
How about the hospital?
Lots of old people there.
199
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,510
And you get a free biscuit!
200
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:43,590
HORN BEEPS
201
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,720
Get a move on!
You're running out of time as it is!
202
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,830
Here we are, see?
This is more like it!
203
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,950
Do the bingo
with lots of other old people.
204
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:05,070
Not so many Pakistanis, but that's
good. You want to meet different types, put yourself about a bit.
205
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,190
Hello, there. Are you here for
the bingo? Yes, that's right.
206
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,310
Are you members?
No, we're here for the bingo.
207
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,470
It is a members' club though,
I'm afraid, so...
208
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:14,950
I don't think you understand.
209
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,310
We don't want to join the club.
210
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,760
We're here to do the bingo.
211
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,150
You're here to do the bingo!
212
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,750
I'm so sorry! Of course.
See, I wasn't expecting...
213
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,310
It's OK - this is the mother-in-law.
214
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,830
I'm mainly doing it for her.
215
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,230
And her English is getting better
all the time.
216
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,830
Go on, say something in English.
217
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,800
Bugger off!
218
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,910
All right, settle down,
boys and girls.
219
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:45,110
Settle down. Let's get these balls
rolling, and let's hear
220
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:50,430
a warm Sparkhill Working Men's Club
welcome for our guest caller tonight...
221
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,110
Mr Khan.
222
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,400
Mr Khan!
223
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,670
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
224
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:57,840
Salaam Aleikum.
225
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,000
Two.
226
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,790
Aren't you going to do
"one little duck"?
227
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,390
What?
You know. Like the bingo callers.
228
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,030
One little duck, number two.
229
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:27,080
What are you talking about?
230
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,270
All the numbers
have special nicknames.
231
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:31,950
Key of the door - 21.
232
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,390
Maggie's Den - number ten.
233
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,550
Sounds stupid!
234
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:35,830
People like it.
235
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,590
That's why we've got a caller.
If you're not going to do it...
236
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,640
All right! Chillax!
Keep your knickers on!
237
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,840
Right, let's see.
238
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,440
Number of times we pray.
239
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,000
Come on! Number of times we pray!
240
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,150
Five a day, isn't it!
241
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,190
Number of times we pray, five a day!
242
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,400
Five!
243
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:18,520
Number of prophets
named in the Koran.
244
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,280
25!
245
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,030
(What is it now?)
246
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,030
I'm not sure this stuff
is appropriate. What?
247
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,870
Well, I mean, some of them may not be
familiar with Muslim culture.
248
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,950
They're all from Sparkhill,
aren't they? Yes.
249
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,720
They're familiar with Muslim
culture.
250
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,360
What did you do for Ramadan?
251
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,510
Ate nothing.
252
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:46,830
Ate nothing!
253
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,870
80!
254
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,520
Come on, these are easy ones!
255
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,830
I'm doing a campaign to get rid of
the new mosque manager.
256
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,160
What do you think?
257
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:06,760
Good, eh?
258
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,470
Naanijaan, you don't have to do
all this!
259
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,310
SHE SPEAKS URDU
260
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,640
You look after me, I look after you.
261
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,000
HE SNIFFS
262
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,960
I now go upstairs to pack suitcase.
263
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,680
I'll call Pakistan
and warn them you're coming.
264
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,270
These last few days,
she's been so much happier.
265
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,470
I told you -
there's nothing wrong with her.
266
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,150
There's a real spring in her step.
267
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,430
I know, it's the bingo.
They love it.
268
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,920
It was a bit of a surprise,
them having bingo at the mosque.
269
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,670
Not really, my darling.
270
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,870
Islam is a very modern religion.
271
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,110
We've got all kinds of things
at the mosque now.
272
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,230
Bingo, line dancing,
over-60s' climbing wall.
273
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,510
CLEARS THROAT
274
00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:58,750
Hello, sir.
275
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,310
Hello, Amjad.
I'm learning to cook.
276
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,910
Why?
277
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,230
This is the 21st century, Dad.
278
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,390
Men should pull their weight in
the kitchen just as much as women.
279
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:10,230
That's right.
So, Shazia's going to teach me.
280
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,910
Me?
281
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,360
I can't cook. Mum'll do it.
282
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,590
All right. Come on then, Amjad.
283
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,230
Let's get on with it. OK.
284
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:22,030
You know, a lot of people think
cooking isn't very manly.
285
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,830
But what could be more manly
than providing food for your family?
286
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,830
Quite right.
So, what do you want to begin with?
287
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,200
Can we do cupcakes?
288
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,310
Are you still doing your online
prayers, sweetie? What?
289
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,030
Oh, yes, Papaji.
290
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,310
Vah! I can't believe you can
do your prayers online these days.
291
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,790
Neither can I.
292
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,430
But one thing, though,
make sure you're facing this way.
293
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,710
Why? So that I'm facing towards
Mecca?
294
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,440
No, you get a better Wi-Fi signal!
295
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,910
Did you know Naani's going away?
296
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,270
Yes, yes. It's a shame, but she's
got to go back to Pakistan sometime.
297
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,750
No, she's not going to Pakistan.
298
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,550
She's gone to Bournemouth for
the weekend with her new friend.
299
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,470
They've got a caravan, apparently.
300
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,830
Which new friend?
The one she met at the bingo.
301
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,870
Oh.
302
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,190
I think it's nice.
303
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,670
Two old ladies
having a nice time together.
304
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,390
Yeah. It's not an old lady, though.
305
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,750
What? Naani's friend.
306
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,390
It's not a lady. It's a man.
307
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,670
What?! It can't be a man.
308
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:32,830
Unless it's the imam?
309
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,590
Or is it your Auntie Fatima?
310
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,030
She looks a bit like a man.
311
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,870
It's not the imam, or Auntie Fatima.
312
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,750
It's a white bloke called Clive.
313
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,310
BOTH: What?!
314
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,030
How do you know all this?
315
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,320
It's on her Facebook page.
There's a picture of them - look!
316
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,270
Oh, my God!
317
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,510
It's him!
318
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,270
Do you know him?
319
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:57,790
No.
320
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,190
Dad...
321
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,790
All right, yes.
322
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,550
So where did she meet him?
At the bingo?
323
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,990
Yes.
324
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,280
So he's a Muslim.
325
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,270
No.
326
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,790
But he was at the mosque?
327
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,590
No.
328
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,030
So where was he, then?
329
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,310
At Sparkhill Working Men's Club.
330
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:17,990
What?!
331
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,750
It seemed like a good idea
at the time.
332
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,310
She can't go to Bournemouth
333
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,750
with a strange bloke she just met
at a Working Men's Club.
334
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,110
What will the neighbours think?
335
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,950
What will the mosque women's group
say?
336
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,590
Mum's going to go nuts!
337
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,670
She mustn't find out.
338
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,910
How do we turn off the internet?
339
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,830
What's going on?
340
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,310
What is it?
341
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,110
What's happened?
342
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,190
Well, the thing is, sweetie...
343
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,590
You know how Naani's been
really chirpy recently?
344
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,830
Haan. Because she's been
going to the bingo!
345
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,720
Yes.
346
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,710
Well, there's another reason.
What other reason?
347
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:58,710
You know the story
about the snake and the mongoose...
348
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,640
No.
349
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,110
Well, once there was this snake.
350
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:10,510
She was a very old snake and a bit
grumpy and stuck in her ways,
351
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,790
and no-one liked her very much.
352
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,870
But then one day she met a mongoose
353
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,550
and they became friends.
354
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:22,390
And the snake community said,
"No, you can't be friends with a mongoose.
355
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,790
"You're a snake." But after a while,
the snake community calmed down
356
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,920
and stopped bothering
the old snake's family, and no-one really minded.
357
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,670
What the hell are you talking about?
358
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,080
Naani's got a white boyfriend called
Clive, they're going to Bournemouth together!
359
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,390
What?!
360
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,590
How did this happen?
361
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,110
Where did she meet...Clive?
362
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,230
Sparkhill Working Men's Club.
363
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,630
What?
364
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,470
Sweetie! No-one needs to know.
365
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,160
It can be a family secret.
366
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,790
We'll just keep it with the others.
367
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,350
Dad, their photo's on Facebook!
Everyone can see it.
368
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,230
Oh, my God!
369
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,640
No-one's going to look at that.
She's not Britney bloody Spears!
370
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,550
I don't care about all that.
371
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:11,030
I'm not letting my mother go
to Bournemouth with some strange man.
372
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,830
You're right.
We'll lock her in her room.
373
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,150
We can push biscuit under the door.
374
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,310
How can she be friends
with a man called Clive?
375
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,590
I mean,
they've got nothing in common.
376
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:24,040
Exactly! I mean, what have they been
doing all this time?
377
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,990
Oh, my God!
378
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,030
You don't think...
379
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,310
What? No way!
380
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:34,630
What?
381
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,560
No wonder she's been so cheerful!
382
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,400
BOTH: Eeewww!
383
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,960
What?!
384
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:46,750
Tang tang.
385
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,200
Hai! Hai!
386
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,080
I got a little bit of sick
in my mouth.
387
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,190
DOORBELL RINGS
388
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,240
That'll be Naani's booty call!
389
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,430
Naani, why didn't you tell us
you had a new friend?
390
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,430
And that it was a man?
391
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:10,440
Called Clive?
392
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,800
You never asked.
393
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:17,870
It's Clive.
394
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,030
Hello, there.
395
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,390
Hello, Hobnob.
396
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,720
SHE GIGGLES
397
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,360
Hobnob?!
398
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,350
It's my pet name for her.
399
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,240
Because she's so moreish.
400
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,390
Oh, God!
401
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,910
So you're Naani's new friend?
402
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,670
Yes, yes,
we only met a few days ago.
403
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,750
But it's like
we've known each other forever.
404
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,390
Really?
405
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,150
Now we can't see enough of
each other.
406
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:51,600
And at our age there's no point
hanging about, is there? You've got to get on with it.
407
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:57,750
But how do you...communicate?
408
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:01,030
Ah, now. Actually,
I was born in India.
409
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,070
In the Punjab.
410
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:06,950
Long time ago, of course,
but I've still got a bit of the old mother tongue.
411
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,120
Hai!
412
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,840
And, of course, then
there's always body language.
413
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,720
And we use our hands a lot.
414
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,470
Ah, she's very gifted in that way.
415
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,360
Hai!
416
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,510
I mean, it can be a struggle,
417
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,960
but somehow she manages to
pull it off!
418
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:34,800
That's enough!
419
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:41,390
Now you listen to me, Clive. There
are some things you must understand.
420
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:45,030
What's that?
There are boundaries.
421
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,870
She's an old Pakistani lady.
422
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,150
It's a cultural thing.
423
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,440
What do you mean?
424
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,480
No tang tang!
425
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,670
I can assure you
there'll be nothing of that nature.
426
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,030
Don't give me that, Clive.
427
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,990
I'm a man of the world.
428
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,350
Honestly, Mr Khan,
your mother-in-law and I are just very good friends.
429
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,390
Please!
430
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,670
I know what your sort get up to.
431
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,040
We've seen those documentaries
on Channel 5.
432
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,750
Now, look...
433
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:19,870
Oh, no!
434
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:24,910
Once you've had your way,
you'll be bragging about it all over Birmingham!
435
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:29,150
Her reputation will be ruined
and you won't care.
436
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,350
Mr Khan, please! No.
437
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,280
To you, she's just another notch
on the bedpost!
438
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,870
So what? What?
439
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,830
What's the big deal?
She's happy, isn't she?
440
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:46,190
Alia, beti, you are young and
innocent and, with God's help,
441
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,240
you'll stay that way forever.
442
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,670
You don't understand
what's happening.
443
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,470
Whatever. Naani wasn't happy
and now she is. What does it matter who her friend is?
444
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,840
Or do you only care about
what other people think?
445
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,240
One minute.
446
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,510
Well, what do you think?
447
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,790
I don't know.
448
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,470
Maybe Alia is right.
449
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,190
Maybe.
450
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,870
So, what do you want to do?
451
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,510
Lock her in! Or send her to my
sister's in Bradford on the coach.
452
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,870
There's no loo, but if she can
hold off till Barnsley,
453
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,110
they'll stop at a services.
454
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:29,990
Sweetie, if she wants to go,
what can we do?
455
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,790
We can't control her.
456
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,150
Once, it was her trying to
control you, remember?
457
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:38,350
You know when you were a young girl,
20 years old,
458
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:41,950
and you went home to your mother
to tell her that you'd seen
459
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,870
this very handsome young man
460
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:48,190
from the next village,
and you wanted to meet him?
461
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,510
Haan. She refused to let me go.
462
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:51,830
But I went anyway.
463
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,110
That's right.
And then what happened?
464
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:57,160
It turned out he was already married.
465
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,040
But then I met you on the bus
on the way home.
466
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,920
Exactly, it was your lucky day!
467
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,590
So, we should let her go to
Bournemouth?
468
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:09,710
Haan.
469
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,310
With Clive?
470
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,110
Haan.
471
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:14,160
OK.
472
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,070
Right.
473
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,270
Mrs Khan and I have had a talk.
474
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,600
You can go to Bournemouth,
with our blessing.
475
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,350
But you have to promise me
one thing. What's that?
476
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,950
Separate caravans.
477
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,550
But really, there's no need.
478
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:37,910
Oh, yes, there is.
479
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,910
No, there isn't.
I think there is.
480
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,030
Honestly, Mr Khan, there isn't.
481
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,350
Well, just give me one good reason.
482
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:47,240
I'm gay.
483
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,600
That'll do it.
484
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,000
You don't look very gay.
485
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,230
Well, I don't tell people about it.
486
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,310
I'm the wrong generation, I suppose.
487
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,350
In my day, you kept it to yourself.
488
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,150
Quite right.
489
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,310
Not that there's anything wrong
with being...
490
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,430
of the gay.
491
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,360
I'm glad you think so.
Of course! I love gay men.
492
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,270
I mean, live and let live, isn't it?
493
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,470
You're a supporter of gay rights,
then?
494
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:25,870
Absolutely.
495
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,430
Same sex marriage?
496
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:31,670
Oh, yes! We Pakistanis been having
same sex marriage for years.
497
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,990
Lights off. Tang tang!
498
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,040
Lights on. Cup of tea!
499
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,150
Very refreshing attitude.
500
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,990
I know some people
struggle with the idea.
501
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:46,950
Clive, what you have to understand
is that in Pakistan, men are men.
502
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,270
We're a very macho culture.
503
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,840
Who wants a cupcake?
504
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:56,590
So I'll be back tomorrow
to pick her up?
505
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,160
OK.
506
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,790
You'll look after her, won't you?
507
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,680
Don't worry.
508
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:06,990
Thank you.
509
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:11,310
And I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell anyone about...
510
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,030
As I say, I like to keep it private.
511
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:15,790
Don't worry, Clive.
512
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,870
Your secret is safe with me.
513
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,950
Right. Goodbye then, Clive.
514
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:21,550
Bye-bye.
515
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,600
Until tomorrow, then.
516
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,950
Au revoir, Hobnob.
517
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,160
Ooh!
518
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,320
It's all right, he's gay!
519
00:27:38,370 --> 00:27:42,920
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