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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:08,400 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,720 They all know me. You like my suit? 3 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,520 Number one, Citizen Khan! 4 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,240 Oh, is this the new telly? 5 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,800 Good, isn't it? The picture's really clear. 6 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:39,240 It's 42 inch Plasma screen, 1080 pixel High Definition. 7 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,680 The contrast ratio and depth of field are so good 8 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,400 it's like actually being there. 9 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,880 It's Deal or No Deal. 10 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,600 Leave him alone, he likes it. 11 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,800 You never know what's in the boxes. 12 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,760 You're such losers watching TV. I'm going out clubbing. 13 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,800 They'll never let you. I don't care what they think. Dad's coming! 14 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:01,920 Ha-ha! Shame! 15 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:05,400 Oh no, 50p! Oh, wait, that's good. 16 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,440 Turn that thing down, it's too loud. 17 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,680 We can't find the remote. 18 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,520 Oh, it's in here somewhere. 19 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,880 I hope you're keeping everything tidy in here? 20 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,720 You know I've got guests this evening. 21 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,920 Not again. What is it this time? 22 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,840 I told you, Mrs Shafiq's husband died, 23 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,880 and I'm holding a prayer meeting for her, 24 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,560 and I'd appreciate a bit of help. 25 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,400 But I was going to go out tonight. 26 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,920 To the mosque! And now you're not. 27 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,200 But the... We're all in this together. 28 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,360 The entire family's reputation is at stake. 29 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,040 Hello! Someone help, please! 30 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,760 Fine. I'll ask Dad. 31 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,640 You stay where you are. Amjad, please go and help Mr Khan. 32 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,120 Don't worry, budhoo, I'll tell you what happens! 33 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,320 OK. 34 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,400 You shouldn't be parked there! 35 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,680 It's my house, and it's my bloody space! 36 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,560 Try and think of other people for a change! 37 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,200 Hello, sir. Oh, hello, Amjad. Who are you shouting at? 38 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,360 Ambulance. Come for Mrs Akmal. 39 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:04,000 I told him, if you want collect people, park outside their house. 40 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,560 If there's no space, go around the block until there is space. 41 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,760 Mrs Akmal's not going anywhere! 42 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,880 She presses that panic button every five minutes. 43 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,000 Probably run out of milk. 44 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,920 Get the bus to Asda like everyone else! 45 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,000 Here, help me get these in. 46 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,200 What are these, sir? 47 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,000 Lightbulbs! On special offer from cash and carry. 48 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,440 64 for the price of 47! 49 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,880 Who needs energy saving? These'll last me for years. 50 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,720 Should they all be red? 51 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,680 Of course! White is too bloody expensive! 52 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,080 So, what do you think of the new TB? Good, eh? 53 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,320 Yes, sir. It's amazing. 54 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,520 It's like being in the same room as Noel Edmonds. 55 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,800 Well, the cricket will be better. The what? 56 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,280 The cricket! England v Pakistan! 57 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,680 The big game today. 58 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,520 Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakistan! Zindabad! 59 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:58,960 I don't really like the cricket. 60 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,960 You know, I used to be a bit of a player in my younger days, you know. 61 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,360 I don't really like the cricket. 62 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,120 Khan's on 99. Lillee bowls. 63 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,680 He smashes for six! That's his hundred! Careful, Amjad! 64 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,040 Sorry, sir. It's OK. 65 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,240 You can owe me. 66 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,440 Now, where are you watching the game? 67 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,920 I'm not. Me and Shazia are going to the theatre. Mamma Mias. 68 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,160 Suit yourself, boy. 69 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,400 But I tell you what, nothing comes between me and the cricket. 70 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,800 Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakist... Oh, hello, darling. 71 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,440 Stop shouting. What will the neighbours think? 72 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,360 We're supposed to be in mourning, remember? 73 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,760 We are? Who's died? 74 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,240 Mrs Shafiq's husband. 75 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,120 Oh, no. Oh, dear. 76 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,200 How terrible. 77 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,880 Who's Mrs Shafiq? 78 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,640 She's a very good friend of mine. 79 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,480 She's coming round with some of the women from the mosque for prayers. 80 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,840 But, sweetie... It's going to be a very difficult day for me. 81 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,120 OK, but... These people are my closest friends... 82 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,880 so if the house isn't perfect they'll tear me to shreds 83 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,280 and I'll never be able to show my face in public again. 84 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,560 It will be the worst day of my life! 85 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,720 But the cricket is on the TB. 86 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,200 So? 87 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,360 So what is the point of paying special �1.50-a-month-for-25-years 88 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,800 hire purchase price for brand new, previously-used-for-demonstration 89 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,440 plajma TB if I can't watch the bloody cricket on it? 90 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,840 HE HOCKS LOUDLY 91 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,800 You're not watching cricket. We're holding funeral prayers. 92 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,720 Women only, no men allowed. 93 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,000 You think you have control of this house, don't you? 94 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,480 I'll tell you who's in control. 95 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,240 Me, that's who. Your husband, Mr Khan. 96 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,120 I want you out of the house by 5:30. 97 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,160 I decide what time I come and go! 98 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,160 So, what time do you want to go? 99 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,640 5:45. 100 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,240 Afternoon, Mr Khan! Hello, Keith. 101 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:53,280 Asalaam Alaikum! Very good. How's that new telly of yours? 102 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,760 Bet the picture's good, is it? 103 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,640 Better than my old set. It's nearly 15 years old now. 104 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,680 Practically stone age! 105 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,040 What do you want? No, nothing. 106 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,560 Just, you know, maybe I could pop in and have a look? 107 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,240 See what it's like in case I wanted to upgrade. 108 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,800 We've only got Al-Jazeera. Oh. 109 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,200 You hear that? No squeak. Homebase. 110 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,920 What's yours, bloody Wickes, isn't it? 111 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,400 GATE SQUEAKS 112 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,240 Exactly. 113 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,800 'Hello, everyone. 114 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,880 'Today's eagerly anticipated 20/20 match here at Trent Bridge 115 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,040 'between England and Pakistan is expected to be a cracker. 116 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,120 'Stuart Broad will lead out his young side in a must win...' 117 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,440 Pakistan! 118 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,000 Zindabad! 119 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,840 Pakistan! Zindabad! 120 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,640 Get the pakoras out, the green army are playing! 121 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,920 Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan. 122 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,680 Waleikum Asalaam, Riaz. Looking forward to the big game? 123 00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,960 Oh, yes. I love the cricket! 124 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,960 Good boy. What about you? Big fan of the cricket? 125 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,200 We don't have cricket in my country. 126 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,560 Of course you are. 127 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,280 Football is the big game in Somalia. 128 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,640 The Ocean Stars are the national team. 129 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,960 Unfortunately we cannot play any matches at home 130 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,840 because of the terrible civil war which is still going on. 131 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,840 You see, even he loves it! 132 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,000 We're going to listen to it on my radio. 133 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,320 What? This isn't the dark ages. We got TB nowadays. 134 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,960 I'm going to watch it in the office. They got a big one in there. 135 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,200 What about Dave? Don't worry about him. This is going to be great. 136 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,480 Pakistan! Zindabad! 137 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,280 Pakistan! Zindabad! 138 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,560 Asalaam Alaikum. Hello, Dave. 139 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,560 How are you today, my brother? 140 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:44,120 Well, for a starters, I'm not your brother. Seriously, Dave. 141 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,600 I have told you this before. 142 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,640 What part of "I'm not your brother" don't you understand? 143 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,040 I just thought we're getting to know each other now and... We are. 144 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,000 You know, we get on pretty well... We do. 145 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,200 And you call me Dave, so maybe I should call you...? 146 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,800 Mr Khan. Right. 147 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,800 How are you today, Mr Khan? 148 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,680 Fine, thank you, Dave. Now where's the TB? 149 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,440 What do you want the TV for? To watch the cricket. 150 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,960 England v Pakistan? We're all watching it, aren't we, boys? 151 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,200 Oh, yes! Pakistan! Zindabad! 152 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,160 Zindabad. 153 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,800 Right. Well, I was just trying to sort out all these old books 154 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,960 for the mosque children's book club. The what? 155 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,320 It's a new thing, my idea actually. 156 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,880 I thought it'd be a good way of attracting in new members. 157 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,440 New members? This is a mosque, Dave. 158 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:29,760 Not LA Fitness. 159 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,000 And THIS is no good. 160 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,840 The Three Little Pigs? 161 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:41,640 We're Muslim, Dave, remember? 162 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,560 I suppose I can always do it later. 163 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,760 I may be a man of God these days 164 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:50,280 but I'm still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow. 165 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,440 The cricket. 166 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,440 Oh right, well, that's the spirit. 167 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:57,640 You know, being a Muslim 168 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,920 isn't just about growing beards and reading the Quran, you know. 169 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:05,080 Isn't it? Oh, no. It's the whole package. 170 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,160 Culture. Community. Cricket. The three C's! 171 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,240 Exactly. Pakistan! 172 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,560 Zindabad! Zindabad! 173 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,000 Reception's not great I'm afraid, 174 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,200 but if you twiddle the aerial a bit you can usually get something. 175 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,400 What the hell is that?! 176 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,760 It's the TV. 177 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,720 That's not a TB, that's a bloody microwave! 178 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,280 Where's the other one? The big one? 179 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,640 Oh, er, we got rid of it. 180 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,720 Quite a few of the Woman's Group raised objections. 181 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:36,680 See, this is the difference between English mans and Pakistani mans. 182 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,400 In Pakistani community, man is in charge. King of the castle. 183 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,360 Womens are more like dirty rascal. 184 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,160 You don't get rid of the TB just because womens says so. 185 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,960 You think I got teeny tiny TB in my house? 186 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:53,520 I got brand new 42-inch Plajma Hi-Fi Def Jam Surroundy Soundy! 187 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,960 You can't expect us to watch the cricket on that thing. 188 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,440 It is a conundrum. 189 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,000 Conundrum? It's a bloody disaster! 190 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,960 What to do? 191 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,320 We could watch it at yours. 192 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,560 What? We were thinking we could watch it on your new television. 193 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,160 We could but... Great idea! It'd be like a boys night out! 194 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,920 Hang on, Dave. I thought you had 42-inch surroundy soundy. I have. 195 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,760 So, what's the problem? You don't have surroundy soundy? 196 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,760 Yes, but... That's settled then, we're watching it at yours. 197 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,800 Fine! No problem. We'll watch it at mine! 198 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,400 Green Army! Green Army! 199 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,040 Green Army! Green Army! I love being a Muslim! 200 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:39,120 Sweetie darling! Your favourite, erm, sweetie darling is home! 201 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,680 What are you doing here? 202 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,360 I thought I'd come back and help with your ladies prayer thing. 203 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,760 Like good modern husband. 204 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:48,360 OK. All of the ladies have arrived. They're in the living room. 205 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,240 Brilliant. Perfect. What? 206 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,800 You know, excellent that everyone is here for your very special thing. 207 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,080 I think Mrs Shafiq will appreciate it, don't you? 208 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,880 You worry too much. She'll love it. 209 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,800 Her only regret will be she doesn't have more husbands 210 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,320 who could die, so she could do it all over again. 211 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,440 I hope so. 212 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,560 What do you think? Does it seem calm? 213 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,240 Yes. 214 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,920 Good, because we'll be praying and reading from the Quran... 215 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:18,280 I know that. ..and there should be an atmosphere of quiet contemplation... 216 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,920 Look, it's fine! I just bloody told you! 217 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,160 Chillax, my sweetie darling. 218 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:27,600 Everything will be calm and peaceful and wonderful. OK? 219 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:31,080 You promise? Of course. You have my word. 220 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,120 HE HOCKS LOUDLY 221 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,600 Pakistan! Zinda...! Shush! Oh, God! 222 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,600 Not in there! This way! 223 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,480 HOOTER BLOWS And keep quiet! 224 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,560 What is it, the missus? No, of course not. 225 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,960 It's the neighbour. He's white. If we make too much noise 226 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,920 he'll think I've brought the family over from the villages! 227 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,040 Are you going to put your lucky pads on? 228 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,200 Later. 229 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:04,520 Who should I be cheering for, by the way? England or Pakistan? 230 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,360 It's a very interesting question, Dave. 231 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,800 On one hand, you have the third world backward country, 232 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,840 home to many millions of poor Muslims, 233 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,120 and on the other hand you have Pakistan. 234 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,440 Right. I am English, though, so... 235 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,600 You are Muslim now, Dave. You have to support Pakistan. 236 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,960 It's God's team. 237 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,560 Ah, what about Bangladesh? 238 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,840 Don't be stupid, Dave. 239 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,920 Pakistan are batting. We need 150 runs to win. 240 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:33,400 Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakistan! Shush! Zindabad! Shush! 241 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,040 Right! Let's get the telly on...where is it? 242 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,920 Oh, bugger. It's in the other room. 243 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,760 Come on, let's go... No, wait! I'll get it. 244 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,040 DOORBELL RINGS 245 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,360 Oh, God. 246 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,680 Amjad! Hello, sir. What are you doing? I've come to collect Shazia. We're going to the theatre. 247 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,200 Not anymore you're not. Oh, no! Have I got the wrong day? 248 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,520 Listen to me. 249 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,800 I've got some of the boys over from the mosque, 250 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,800 and we're watching the cricket here, OK? 251 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,920 Pakistan! Zindabad! 252 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,760 I don't really like the cricket. 253 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,080 Amjad... Me and Shazia are going to the theatre. Amjad! Mamma Mias. 254 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,960 I'm going to have a Magnum and Shazia's going to have a Cornetto. 255 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,240 Amjad. Yes, sir? 256 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,480 Shut up! OK. 257 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,440 Now, I'll need you to help me move the TB in here and wire it all up. 258 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,120 Gotcha! You know how to do that? 259 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,920 Yes, sir. I'm very technologically accomplished. But here's the... 260 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,960 But here's the thing. Mrs Khan has got some of the ladies over 261 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,840 doing mourning and prayers and so forth. 262 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,360 Oh, yes. Oh, no, she'll go mental! 263 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:39,240 Amjad, This is my house. I can do what I like, remember? 264 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,200 Right. It just so happens I don't want to spoil the cricket 265 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,560 with funeral prayers. Dead people can be a real downer. 266 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,800 Sure. Now, I'll make sure Mrs Khan is out the way, 267 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,160 you keep the boys in there. 268 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,320 So, you want me to keep them shut up in that room? 269 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,720 Of course not! They are guests in my house! This is not a prison! 270 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,840 Oh, so they can come in or go out? 271 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,560 No. They can't come in or go out? 272 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,320 No. They can go out, but they can't come in? 273 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,760 Amjad! 274 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:07,600 Relax. Breathe in, that's it. 275 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,200 It's very simple. 276 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,480 You make everybody stay in there and have a nice time, 277 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,920 but don't let them wander round the rest of the house. 278 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,840 Oh, OK. You understand? 279 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,200 Duh! I'm not stupid! 280 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,320 Amjad! 281 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,360 Everybody stay here! 282 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,200 Mrs Khan. 283 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,800 Mrs Malik. 284 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:34,040 Such a terrible thing, Mr Shafiq passing away like that. 285 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,840 Terrible shame. He was such a nice man. 286 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,400 Were you close? Well, I wouldn't say we were close, 287 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,720 but he'd always say hello when we met in Asda. 288 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:45,040 Hmm, Asda. Aaacha. 289 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:49,160 Of course, Mr Malik was very good friends with him. 290 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,040 Just as I am with poor Mrs Shafiq. 291 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:57,200 I must say, I always assumed that I would arrange the prayer meeting 292 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,920 if either of them should pass away. 293 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,720 Well, you can do the next one! I'll save you some pakoras. 294 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,400 Don't trouble yourself. 295 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,480 Ah, she's finished. 296 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,200 Poor woman! 297 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,160 Such a shame! 298 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,840 I was so sorry to hear of your husband's passing. 299 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,720 I was also so sorry. Even sorrier. 300 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,560 It is God's will. 301 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,080 But I'm so glad you could all come to my house for prayers. 302 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,560 It was the least I could do. 303 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,440 Yes, it was. 304 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,200 It's such a shame Mr Malik couldn't be here, 305 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,440 seeing as he and Mr Shafiq were such great friends. 306 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,960 My husband insisted on being here. 307 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,480 He's devastated by your loss. 308 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,440 I was moved to wear the Pakistani colours 309 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,520 as a tribute to Mr Shafiq. 310 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,600 My husband would like to pay his respects face to face. 311 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,440 Mrs Shafiq, may I offer my deepest sympathy. 312 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:08,240 Mrs Shafiq, may I offer my deepest sympathy. 313 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,840 Asalaam Alaikum. 314 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,600 Your husband was a very well respected man in the community. 315 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,320 I should know. I myself, an even more well respected man in the community. 316 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,280 My name's Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me. 317 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,040 What are you doing? I'm paying my respects. 318 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,880 This is a very distressing time for me too you know. 319 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,360 CHEERING 320 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,200 Ah...Allah! 321 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,040 RADIO: And he's out. 322 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,960 GROANS: Allah! 323 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,120 I'm getting ready to pray. I'm limbering up. 324 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,280 If you're going to talk to God you got to be in good voice. 325 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:41,320 CLEARS THROAT 326 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,520 I'm going to get some food, 327 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,760 and the ladies are going to be doing prayers in here. 328 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,200 Good idea. Don't do anything. 329 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,800 (Psst, Amjad! Come here!) 330 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,120 Excuse me! 331 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,440 Asalaam Alaikum, excuse me. 332 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,440 Excuse me! 333 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,360 Come on! 334 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,920 Dad? Alia! 335 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,800 Can I go out? No, of course you can't. 336 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,680 Why not? You're supposed to be helping your mother. 337 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,480 What are you doing with the telly? What are we doing with the telly? 338 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,840 What are we doing with the... What are we doing with the telly, Amjad? 339 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,560 We are moving it. We are moving it. 340 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,440 Brilliant! We are moving it. 341 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,840 Does Mum know? No. Shall I tell her? No! 342 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,160 So can I go out? Yes. 343 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,080 Can I stay out late? 344 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,360 Yes. 345 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,280 Can I have some money? Yes! 346 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,120 Thanks. I'll get the door for you. 347 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,000 SHOUTING: Pakistan! Pakistan! 348 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,360 HORN BLARES 349 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,000 Shh! Everybody stay here! 350 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,800 Shut up! Are you going to plug it in? 351 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,120 Where's the remote? I don't know. Oh, yes. The remote. 352 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:57,120 Put them back! Don't move that! 353 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,200 Oh, God! What about some drinks and the nibbles? 354 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,640 What? Crips and that. I'm not a bloody servant! 355 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,320 I don't mind getting them. What? 356 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,280 I could say Asalaam Alaikum to Mrs Khan. 357 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,200 No, you don't. I'll do it. Where are you going? 358 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,680 Toilet. Already? 359 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,680 I had two cans of Fanta on the way here. He was chugging it! 360 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,080 It's occupied. Can't you hold ten minutes? 361 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,720 No. 362 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,360 I think I've got something! 363 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,800 Pick them up! And put those cushions back! 364 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,720 And you, tie a knot in it! 365 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,480 Everybody stay here! 366 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,320 Amjad! Shut up and put the telly down! Thank you, sir! 367 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,800 Dad! 368 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,680 Oh! What is it? 369 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,160 Let me guess, is it Amjad? It is Amjad! 370 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,680 Well, what a surprise(!) 371 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,480 Why don't you talk to your mother about it? 372 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:58,840 Well, she's holding prayers for the dead. She always has an excuse. 373 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,000 Right, go on then. 374 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,520 Right, well, we've been planning this trip to the theatre for ages 375 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,520 and I thought he was looking forward to it as much as I was, 376 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,240 but now I can't get hold of him. 377 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,560 Oh, dear. 378 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,000 He can't treat me like this. I'm supposed to be his fiance. 379 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,520 Well, what a lovely chat we've had. 380 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,160 I'm going to tell him it's over. 381 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,640 I'm going to go and tell Mrs Malik right now. 382 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:24,680 No! 383 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,480 Darling, he'll turn up eventually. 384 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,320 You know, sometimes you have to give a man space to be a man, 385 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,320 and think about man things 386 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,440 like cars, or DIY. 387 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,360 Or sometimes we just think about nothing. 388 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,560 Like this. 389 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,840 He does look like that sometimes. 390 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,480 There you go, see? 391 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,160 But I don't care about those man things. 392 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,520 Well, that's not my fault, is it? 393 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,960 Look, this wouldn't be a problem if you were a boy. 394 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,600 You're not and I have accepted that, and I've moved on, 395 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,960 and quite frankly I think it's time you did too! 396 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,880 Mrs Khan, I was bringing some drinks and snacks. 397 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,480 You know, this praying can be thirsty work, no? 398 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,560 Oh, that's so considerate, thank you! 399 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,800 Not at all. 400 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,000 Most husbands wouldn't be so thoughtful. 401 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,840 You know me. Always thinking of others. 402 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,200 You know, Mr Malik wouldn't even give his wife a lift. 403 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,760 Said he was watching the cricket. 404 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,200 What a rotter! 405 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,920 If you really want to be helpful, 406 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,040 you could lay the table in the dining room. 407 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,320 Of course... Er, what? 408 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,320 We're finishing our final prayers and then we'll be coming in to eat. 409 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,920 But, sweetie... 410 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:37,880 Nothing. 411 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,320 What are you doing? We can't turn it on! 412 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,120 Why not? None of these work. We think it might be your aerial. 413 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,400 Ah, this is your main TV feed. 414 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,760 We just need to find out where it goes. 415 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:56,000 Just leave that! 416 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,680 It's the last over. We need 10 to win! 417 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,800 Amjad, where's the bloody remote? I hope Shazia's all right. 418 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,400 Come on, get your lucky pads on. 419 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,520 I think I should talk to her. Who? 420 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,360 Shazia. I think she's upset about missing the Mamma Mias. 421 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,360 She's not. I think she might be a bit upset. 422 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,240 She's not upset. I think she might be. 423 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:13,760 She's not. I think she is. 424 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,480 I keep telling you, she doesn't give a bloody monkeys! 425 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,680 Problems? No. 426 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,200 If the lead is long enough, 427 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,360 we can feed it off the aerial of the neighbour. 428 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,920 No, you can't! 429 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,720 Look, Shazia's in with the ladies now. 430 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,680 Helping with the dead man's prayers. Having a great time! 431 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,680 I should go in the other room and say I'm sorry. 432 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,160 Look, you don't need to do that. 433 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,760 Sometimes women say they want to be in charge, 434 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,480 but really they like us to be in charge. 435 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,480 It makes them feel all safe and comfortable. 436 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,400 As we say in Pakistan, "All snuggly buggly." 437 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,160 But sometimes she does get quite upset about things. 438 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,120 Like the other day. Yes? 439 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:53,440 We were shopping and it was nearly lunchtime. Lunchtime, yes? 440 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,360 And I couldn't decide whether to have a kebab or a roti, 441 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,360 so I was like, "Kebab or roti? Kebab or roti?" 442 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:04,760 And Shazia said, "Amjad, have a roti. You know you like it." 443 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,160 And she was right. 444 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:13,120 What an amazing anecdote(!) Now, where's the bloody remote control? 445 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:15,080 I think I might have left it in the other room. 446 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:16,120 Oh, God! 447 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,320 Don't worry. What are you doing? 448 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,680 This is how we used to watch Homes Underneath The Hammer in Somalia. 449 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:23,960 We're going to miss it. 450 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,040 I knew we should have stayed at the Mosque. Look, I'll sort it. 451 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,800 DOORBELL RINGS 452 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:33,880 Oh, God! 453 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,120 Hi! 454 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,920 What the hell do you want? 455 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,400 I just came to say the cricket's on at mine if you want to watch it. No, thank you. 456 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,440 Maybe I can watch it here, then? No, thank you. 457 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,440 I don't follow the cricket. 458 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,960 What are those then? 459 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,880 Prayer pads. Protect your knees whilst your praying. 460 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,280 Oh, right. And that? 461 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,160 This is a Muslim religious artefact. 462 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,840 It looks like a cricket bat. 463 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,320 That proves you are ignorant of Muslim culture, 464 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,160 and therefore a bloody racialist! 465 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,040 Thank you! Goodbye! 466 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:21,880 Oh, God. 467 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:46,520 Ah, excuse me... 468 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,920 SCREAMING 469 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,520 Get off me, you filthy man! 470 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,240 What's going on? 471 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,960 Nothing! Carry on praying! What are you doing? 472 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,200 I was offering Mrs Shafiq my condolences. 473 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,960 Oh, Mrs Shafiq, I'm so sorry! 474 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,760 My husband has been very stressed out at work lately, 475 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,160 and he's really very, very upset about your husband's passing. 476 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,960 Yes, it's a sad time for all of us. 477 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,600 We've been thinking of nothing else! 478 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,280 CHEERING 479 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,680 What the hell is going on? 480 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,680 Asalaam Alaikum, Mrs Khan. Omar got the aerial working. 481 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,280 It's not what it looks like. 482 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,760 Amjad! He made me do it. 483 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,840 Why, Dad? It's complicated. 484 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,360 My husband has just died and you've brought shame on me, on his memory, 485 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,120 and on your entire family. 486 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,640 Oh, my God! 487 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,160 Your family already has a name. 488 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,880 Your younger daughter is out all the time! 489 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,360 No, no, no! She isn't, she's here, helping me! 490 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,280 Where's Alia? 491 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:54,400 I let her go out. 492 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,160 Oh, my God! You've ruined me! 493 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,240 I can't hold this up much longer! 494 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,520 I think it's time we left. 495 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,440 Amjad, come help me with Mrs Shafiq. 496 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:09,320 If you go now, I'll never speak to you again! But Ludhoo, I... 497 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,800 No, please. Please don't go! 498 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,840 Have some more food, you've haven't eaten anything! I'll order pizza! 499 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,760 Please don't go! Please don't go! 500 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,800 Did we win? 501 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:19,840 MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA 502 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,360 Who would have thought that Mr Shafiq was such a huge fan of ABBA? 503 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:32,120 Oh, yes. I used to call him my Dancing Queen. 504 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,280 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 505 00:26:03,330 --> 00:26:07,880 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39122

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