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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
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the capital of British Pakistan.
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Community leader!
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They all know me...
you like my suit?
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00:00:26,180 --> 00:00:28,900
Number one, Citizen Khan!
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00:00:30,140 --> 00:00:32,340
Testing, testing, one, two.
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There's a Brown girl in the ring,
tum te tum te tum!
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KNOCKING
Dad!
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Oh, fiddlesticks!
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00:00:40,860 --> 00:00:43,660
What are you doing in there?
We've been waiting ages!
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00:00:43,660 --> 00:00:46,420
I'm recording something
for the mosque committee,
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they're doing a new call to prayer.
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It's very prestigious job!
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00:00:52,460 --> 00:00:54,060
Ooh!
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Come on, Papaji.
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00:00:59,940 --> 00:01:02,940
Oh!... What the hell is that?
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00:01:02,940 --> 00:01:04,780
It's hair-removing cream.
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But you don't have hair there.
Exactly.
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Come on, beti,
you don't need to use that muck! And, Alia, you don't need it either!
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Is it any good?
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Mum, look at that.
It's the outfit Amjad's going to buy me when he gets his promotion.
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I can't believe Amjad
is going to get promoted.
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Nor can I.
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00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:36,500
You're so lucky your fiance
is such a go-getter.
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Sweetie, darling!
Have you seen a bag with all my old cassette tapes in?
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No. What do you think of these?
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Very nice. What is it?
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For Shazia's wedding.
I need a new outfit.
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Another one? You got a new outfit
for our wedding.
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You want me to look like a cleaning
lady at my own daughter's wedding?
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You're supposed
to be looking after your family.
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Yeah, get her the outfit, Dad.
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Enough! I do a very good job
of looking after this family.
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00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:06,180
I am like the lion
at the head of the pride.
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You don't realise how hard it is.
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There is more to see
than can ever be seen,
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more to do than can ever be done.
The circle of life. Hakuna Matata!
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00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:19,900
What are you doing
with that old thing?
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Ah, the mosque committee
have decided they need a new person for the call to prayer,
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and guess who is in charge
of finding the right voice?
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Dave?
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Or Martin Luther Vandross.
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So you're going to have a dignified
debate about who to choose?
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No, I'm going to have auditions
like on the X Factor!
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That's what this is for. You know...
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if this works out,
the Mosque Committee might even make me a trustee.
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What exactly is a trustee?
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I don't know...
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..but I bet
they get a parking space.
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Maybe I'll audition for it.
I've got a good voice.
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00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:03,180
It has to be a man, Shazia.
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00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:06,500
Then, what about Amjad?
It has to be a man, Shazia.
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00:03:07,780 --> 00:03:10,140
He's getting a promotion, actually.
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At the Phoneshop? You mean he won't
have to wear that silly foam mascot costume any more?
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00:03:14,940 --> 00:03:17,740
Dad!
He hasn't had to do that in ages.
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00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,300
Enough. Let's eat!
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DOORBELL
That'll be Amjad. I'll get it.
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Come on, come on, I'm starving.
I got my auditions tomorrow, I've got to keep my strength up.
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00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:33,260
We're waiting for Amjad.
What are we waiting for Amjad for?
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I'm the head of the house
and I'm already here! So, come on, let's eat!
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I've made him a special meal
to celebrate his promotion.
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My son-in-law, the executive,
I'm so proud!
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00:03:44,460 --> 00:03:46,420
Why are we treating him like royalty
all of a sudden?
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Don't be ridiculous.
Nobody's treating him like royalty.
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Here he is!
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The King of Sparkhill!
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Hello, Mrs Khan. Hello, sir.
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Hello, Amjad.
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We're all so proud of you!
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Well, it's not definite yet,
I still have to pass the interview.
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00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:05,660
I'm a bit worried, actually,
I don't think I come across very well in interviews.
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00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:06,940
Why not, budhoo?
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They keep asking me questions.
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Yes, that would do it.
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Of course he's going to get it.
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Don't get your hopes up, Amjad,
times are hard, competition is tough out there.
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How many people
are they interviewing?
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One.
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There, you see, it's in the bag.
Let's eat!
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That's my chair!
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00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:29,940
What does it matter
whose chair it is? You're not the only man in the house.
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Here, Amjad, have some rice.
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What about me?
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Wait your turn. So, Amjad, what is
your new job title going to be?
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Deputy Assistant Manager,
open brackets, pay as you go, close brackets.
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Vah! Brackets!
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Have some chicken.
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That's my chicken!
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00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:53,980
Hey, you should see the beige suit
and matching shoes Amjad's gonna wear for his interview.
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Beige? Nice.
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00:04:56,820 --> 00:04:59,620
Can I have some chillies?
Of course you can.
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Can I have some chillies?
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00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:03,380
You don't like them. I do.
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00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:04,700
You say they're too hot.
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Rubbish! Give me them!
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See? Easy.
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They are nice.
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Yes, they are.
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Lovely.
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00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:56,060
Are you sweating, Dad?
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No, of course not!
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Has someone turned the heating on?
How about a jug of water? You look like you need it.
103
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:04,580
No, thanks, I'm fine.
104
00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:06,900
Sweetie,
a jug of bloody water for Amjad!
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00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:20,540
Maybe I will have a glass of water.
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00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:23,340
What's the matter, boy,
can't you take the pace?
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Yoo-hoo! Mr Khan!
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Oh, God! Mrs Bilal!
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I've been trying to catch up
with you.
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00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,500
Well,
you need to slim down a bit, then.
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00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:44,380
I saw the posters
about the auditions.
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00:06:44,380 --> 00:06:46,100
It has to be a man, Mrs Bilal.
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Yes, I know that, but I thought
I could help you with the judging.
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I don't need any help with judging.
Judging others is what I do best.
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00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:55,460
I could be your PA.
I'm excellent at shorthand.
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Not interested.
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Bring you tea and biscoot!
No, thank you.
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Everyone loves my jalebis!
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00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:03,340
Control yourself! I know judo!
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00:07:04,660 --> 00:07:09,100
Oh, God! That woman, she's always
invading my private spaces.
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00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,900
Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.
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Waleikum Asalaam.
Hello, Dave.
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What are you doing?
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00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:19,420
We are changing the toner cartridge.
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00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:21,620
I think some people
have been abusing the system.
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00:07:21,620 --> 00:07:24,260
You're supposed to put money
in the tin whenever you use it.
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RATTLING
Someone's not been paying up.
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Terrible.
You can't trust anyone these days.
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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
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Are you going to be long? Why?
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00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:36,740
I need to use the office
for my call-to-prayer auditions.
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You're having them in here?
This is my office.
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Dave, this is the Azaan
we're talking about.
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It's a little bit more important
than the bloody photocopier.
135
00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:48,420
Surely an even more important thing
would be to have the Azaan 24 hours a day?
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We should be lobbying
the council to let us.
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24 hours a day?
This isn't an all-night petrol station. This is the house of God.
138
00:07:57,180 --> 00:07:59,380
But the Azaan
is actually quite important.
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Yes, but in the middle of the night?
It wakes you up.
140
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:04,860
It's supposed to wake you up,
it's the call to prayer.
141
00:08:05,940 --> 00:08:10,620
Look, all these gimmicky things,
it's not what being a Muslim is all about.
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00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:15,460
It's not your fault, you're new.
You're on this sort of Muslim YTS scheme.
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Oh, right? You're not expected to
understand everything straightaway.
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Look, it's a big issue,
a lot of our young people are quite worked up about it.
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Is it? And what about my issues? I'm
a family man with responsibilities.
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My daughter's getting married.
I'm like the lion at the head of the pride.
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Back home we have a saying.
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Every morning when the gazelle
wakes up he must run faster than the lion or he will be killed.
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When the lion wakes, he must outrun
the gazelle or he will starve.
150
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Whether you are a gazelle or a lion,
when the sun comes up, you better be running.
151
00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:03,940
What the hell
has that got to do with it?
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00:09:03,940 --> 00:09:09,260
You said the thing about the lion.
Right, come on, out you go, I've got to set up.
153
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Mr Khan, this is my office!
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00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:13,100
All right, Dave!
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00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:16,380
As we say in Pakistan,
keep your knickers on.
156
00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:21,140
You can stay in here,
you can be on the panel.
157
00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:23,780
No, I don't think you... Really?
158
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:27,500
Yes, you look like you know a thing
or two about performing arts.
159
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,980
You gingers are quite exotic.
160
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:35,220
Well, I did do a drama module
at Walsall Technical College.
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00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:36,100
There you go.
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00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,740
People still talk
about my Titus Andronicus.
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00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:43,420
What? We could be a showbiz couple,
like Lennon and McCartney.
164
00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:45,900
Yes, or like Rod Hull and Emu.
165
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,460
Come on, out you go.
166
00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:51,820
Hey, maybe Riaz should go for it,
he loves singing, don't you, Riaz?
167
00:09:51,820 --> 00:09:56,100
Oh, yes. I do a lot of karaoke.
I like Shania Twain
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Man, I feel like a woman.
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00:10:00,340 --> 00:10:01,740
No, thank you.
170
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:11,380
This is like Sparkhill's Got Talent!
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00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:14,860
Don't I get a chair?
Yes, you're important too.
172
00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:20,380
Just not as important as me.
173
00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:23,860
You're like Louis Walsh,
and I'm more like Simon Cowell,
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except he's got browner skin.
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00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:28,140
Right, first one.
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00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:34,700
Now, remember,
the Azaan is one of the most beautiful and holy parts of Islam.
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It's the call to prayer.
I want it to sound like a choir of angels summoning the faithful. OK?
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OK.
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00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,700
Right... Away you go.
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00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,980
HOARSELY:
Allah hu Akbar.
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00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:54,620
Allah hu Akbar.
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00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:59,820
Allah hu Akbar.
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00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:01,420
Next!
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00:11:01,420 --> 00:11:04,820
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
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00:11:04,820 --> 00:11:07,700
WAILING CONTINUES
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00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,220
Next!
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00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:16,540
No!
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00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:20,780
Man, I feel like a woman.
189
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,380
No, thank you.
190
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:23,780
Mr Khan...
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00:11:23,780 --> 00:11:25,460
No, thank you.
192
00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:30,900
A PLEASANT SINGING VOICE:
Ahhhhhhh...
193
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:36,140
Wow! What a beautiful voice.
I think I'm gonna go, Dave.
194
00:11:36,140 --> 00:11:38,220
You're gonna go? Yeah,
I'm gonna go, are you gonna go?
195
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,060
I might go. I'm gonna go.
196
00:11:42,140 --> 00:11:43,260
Aaargh!
197
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:51,780
Right, come on, Amjad,
let's hear what you got.
198
00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:04,220
I've forgotten the words.
199
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:14,580
Look at that!
200
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:17,860
We should have done this earlier,
open the auditions to everyone.
201
00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:21,220
You seem Dave? That will get
your Azaan 24 hours a day.
202
00:12:21,220 --> 00:12:26,780
You know, if we find someone
really good this could spread,
203
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:30,020
it could be in mosques
all over Birmingham or London.
204
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:33,060
Luton!
Yes, it might even go international.
205
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:36,500
I want you to help me hand these out
all around Sparkhill,
206
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:41,580
and, Amjad, put these
in your phone shop, maybe even stick some up on the walls, eh?
207
00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:43,500
I'm not sure I'm allowed to.
208
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,340
What? Of course you are.
209
00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:46,980
But I might get into trouble.
210
00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:52,380
Amjad, this is the Azaan
we're talking about, we get our rewards in heaven, remember?
211
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:54,220
For mobile phone sales?
212
00:12:55,300 --> 00:13:00,300
Yes, kind of. Allah is
the ultimate service provider!
213
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:04,380
Yes, I suppose he is. You know,
214
00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:09,180
he gives us unlimited talk time,
always a good signal and pray as you go.
215
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:13,540
What network's he on?
216
00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:16,540
O2.
217
00:13:16,540 --> 00:13:18,140
Makes sense.
218
00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:21,380
So, you know, Allah is on our side.
219
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:25,580
We're doing this for the mosque,
for the community and for God and all that.
220
00:13:25,580 --> 00:13:30,380
OK! You know, we're a team, you and
me! Everyone else better watch out!
221
00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:32,380
What about my promotion?
222
00:13:32,380 --> 00:13:35,140
Ah, I could help you
with some practice questions.
223
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:38,700
Once you've been probed by me,
you'll be ready for anything.
224
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,220
I don't think I've got the time.
225
00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:43,940
Suit yourself, then, boy.
226
00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:45,260
DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT
227
00:13:45,260 --> 00:13:47,820
Aren't you forgetting something?
228
00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:51,180
Oh, yes, silly me.
229
00:14:32,380 --> 00:14:34,660
Allah hu Akbar...
230
00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:38,660
Allah hu Akbar... Come on,
try it, please, God is great.
231
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,980
God is great. There you are,
you are a Muslim. Thank you.
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00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:53,020
BANG!
233
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:58,980
Have you put in the sugar?
234
00:15:03,020 --> 00:15:06,060
Hello! Hello, my beautiful family.
235
00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:08,660
Your father is back
from another successful day.
236
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:10,740
Oh, that looks good!
237
00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:12,460
What the hell is it?
238
00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:14,060
I'm making gulab jamuns.
239
00:15:14,060 --> 00:15:16,020
Always cooking, eh?
240
00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:19,620
You know, when I first met your
mother, she couldn't cook at all.
241
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:21,420
But I knew she had a hidden talent.
242
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:26,700
That's my skill, you see.
I can spot potential while others see mediocrity.
243
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:29,780
Would you like to taste one?
244
00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:31,500
No, thank you.
245
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,780
Amjad will be having his interview
now!
246
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:37,020
Oh, I know it's so exciting,
isn't it?
247
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,980
You know, you should have asked me
to give him a few tips.
248
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,220
What do you know about getting
through interviews?
249
00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:43,900
I got past immigration, didn't I?
250
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,460
I think you're a great businessman,
Papaji.
251
00:15:49,460 --> 00:15:50,940
Vah! What an angel!
252
00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:54,260
Truly we were blessed
when God sent you down to us.
253
00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:58,420
Mind you,
he sent us your sister as well, so maybe he felt he owed us one.
254
00:15:58,420 --> 00:16:02,420
And if your call-to-prayer thing goes
really well, you could be famous!
255
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:07,100
Maybe. But I'm Mr Khan, community
leader. I'm already very well known.
256
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,300
Have you ever Googled yourself? Once
257
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,940
when I put my pyjama bottoms
on back to front.
258
00:16:13,860 --> 00:16:15,420
I meant on the internet.
259
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:21,180
Oh, yes, I've Googled myself,
many times. Mostly at night when your mother's gone to bed.
260
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,620
Anything interesting come up?
261
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:28,820
Well, you know.
All the usual stuff...
262
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:30,860
DOORBELL
263
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:34,700
That'll be Amjad now!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh my God!
264
00:16:38,140 --> 00:16:41,700
Imagine! Me, Mr Khan, a trustee!
265
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,780
Amazing. Even though you don't know
what it is!
266
00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:46,860
Mum, it's a disaster!
267
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:48,700
What's the matter? Tell them!
268
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,180
I didn't get the promotion.
269
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:52,460
What? It's so unfair!
270
00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:56,220
Dear, oh, dear! I warned you all
not to get too excited!
271
00:16:56,220 --> 00:17:00,380
But, Amjad, why? What happened?
They didn't even do the interview!
272
00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:02,460
Instead,
they put me on a written warning,
273
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:06,020
and I have to wear the big foam
mascot costume for the next month.
274
00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:09,060
Dear, oh, dear.
Should have listened to me.
275
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:10,260
But why?
276
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:11,940
I don't really know.
277
00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:16,020
There were these leaflets, you see,
and I was giving them out and putting them on the walls...
278
00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:19,420
What of kind leaflets, budhoo?
The one Mr Khan gave me...
279
00:17:19,420 --> 00:17:20,980
about the call to prayer.
280
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:24,860
Oh, my God, what is this?
What have you done?
281
00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:29,420
Oh, look at this!
Prime Minister saying we should do more for our country?
282
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:33,740
I am doing more for my country,
I been sending money back Pakistan for the past 30 years!
283
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:38,940
My boss said I'm not allowed to
advertise other companies' products.
284
00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:43,100
Other company? It's a mosque,
not Carphone bloody Warehouse!
285
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:46,580
And he said it was a violation
of the employees' rules of conduct.
286
00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:50,860
So I said I didn't care about that
because I was going to get my rewards in heaven
287
00:17:50,860 --> 00:17:53,820
because Allah is on my side
and so he better watch out.
288
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,700
What did you say that for?
289
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,020
That's what you said.
290
00:17:58,020 --> 00:18:00,660
I didn't mean it like that!
291
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:03,700
Why do you have to get everyone
involved in your stupid ideas?
292
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,420
You said
I was a successful businessman.
293
00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:07,420
I only said that
to make you feel good!
294
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,180
That's a terrible thing to do.
295
00:18:10,420 --> 00:18:13,340
I would never say something
just to make you feel good!
296
00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:16,100
But what about all our plans?
297
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:17,900
What about Mrs Malik?
298
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:19,620
Oh, no! Oh, God!
299
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:22,220
If she finds out about this,
we're finished!
300
00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:26,980
Calm down, everybody!
There's a perfectly simple solution.
301
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,980
Is there? Yes...
302
00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:32,540
you've had a misunderstanding
with your boss, I'll go and see him, explain everything,
303
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:36,140
you'll have your promotion back
in no time. Where is he, Amjad?
304
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,340
The George Pub on Ladypool Road.
305
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:40,740
You can't go in there!
306
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:46,460
Yes, I can, I'm community leader.
They all know me in Sparkhill, I can go anywhere.
307
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:47,300
But, Dad...
308
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,420
Chup! It'll be fine.
309
00:18:51,540 --> 00:18:52,580
Dave...
310
00:18:52,580 --> 00:18:54,860
do you fancy a pint?
311
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,100
Right, is this the place?
312
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:06,060
I think so. It's his local. I really
hope I can explain everything to him.
313
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:09,620
It'll be fine,
we'll go inside and just blend in.
314
00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:13,580
We need to show your boss
that us Muslims are regular guys like everyone else, OK?
315
00:19:13,580 --> 00:19:15,900
Exactly. But we're not supposed
to go into pubs, though.
316
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:20,380
Look, I'm not a woman
but I can still go into the lingerie department of Debenhams.
317
00:19:20,380 --> 00:19:23,140
It'll all be fine as long
as nobody says anything stupid.
318
00:19:23,140 --> 00:19:27,380
This is actually a great opportunity
to build bridges between the communities.
319
00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:28,820
What did I just say, Dave?
320
00:19:30,140 --> 00:19:32,420
PUB HUBBUB
321
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:40,500
SILENCE DESCENDS
322
00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:43,460
Asalaam Alaikum.
323
00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:46,100
All right, mate?
324
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,180
HUBBUB STARTS UP AGAIN
Now, just act normal.
325
00:19:50,180 --> 00:19:51,740
Where is your boss?
326
00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:53,260
He's over there.
327
00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:59,340
OK. We'll get some drinks,
we'll go over, we'll get chatty, everybody gets on,
328
00:19:59,340 --> 00:20:04,020
he sees we're just normal guys,
Amjad gets his job promotion, bish bosh, Mohammed's your uncle.
329
00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:05,220
Hello, boys.
330
00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:06,020
Hello.
331
00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:07,740
You're not regulars here, are you?
332
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:11,980
We are just some normal guys
out for a drink in our local boozer.
333
00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:12,820
What can I get you?
334
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:17,780
It must be non-alcoholic!
I know that! We'll have five glasses of water.
335
00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:19,100
What kind?
336
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,620
The non-alcoholic kind.
337
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:25,780
I meant...
would you like it still or fizzy?
338
00:20:26,980 --> 00:20:27,940
Fizzy.
339
00:20:27,940 --> 00:20:29,580
Good choice.
340
00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:30,820
What about a snack?
341
00:20:30,820 --> 00:20:32,260
We don't need any snacks.
342
00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:33,300
But I'm hungry.
343
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,940
Fine! We'll get some snacks.
Do you have any snacks?
344
00:20:35,940 --> 00:20:39,580
We've got crisps, love. Crisps.
That'll be smashing. Thank you.
345
00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:44,380
You see? That's how you talk in a
local pub. Very easy. Chitty chatty.
346
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:48,580
I can't eat crisps, me,
I'm watching my weight.
347
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:52,820
No. You're so not fat. You don't
have to worry about your weight.
348
00:20:52,820 --> 00:20:57,220
Charmer! I didn't know whether
to wear this top. But I think it makes my boobs look bigger.
349
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,020
?5.20.
350
00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:03,180
Will you have one yourself?
351
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:05,420
Are you chatting me up,
you cheeky minx?
352
00:21:05,420 --> 00:21:06,740
See?
353
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:08,780
Sir, were you chatting her up?
354
00:21:08,780 --> 00:21:13,020
Amjad, this is just pub banter!
Relax! Now, come on...
355
00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:19,780
Hello. Mr Khan, community leader.
How are you today?
356
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:21,020
Fine, thank you
357
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:22,900
This is Dave, the mosque manager.
358
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:24,740
Asalaam Alaikum.
How you doing, mate?
359
00:21:24,740 --> 00:21:29,860
You see? Muslim, and white,
just like you! We're just a couple of regular guys, isn't it?
360
00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:32,260
I used to love going to the pub,
actually. There you go.
361
00:21:32,260 --> 00:21:36,940
Of course, that was before I found
Allah and realised that alcohol is an abomination against God.
362
00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:44,300
Just a bit of pub banter! Dave, you
cheeky minx. Stop messing around! Of course, you know Amjad.
363
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:45,420
Hello, Amjad.
364
00:21:45,420 --> 00:21:49,140
Now,
I'm sure we can put this business about the posters behind us.
365
00:21:49,140 --> 00:21:53,540
Amjad is just a normal young man,
the same as any other, aren't you, Amjad? Yes.
366
00:21:53,540 --> 00:21:55,500
I'm sorry, this is my wife, Kirsty.
367
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:56,220
Hello.
368
00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:56,980
Hello.
369
00:21:56,980 --> 00:22:00,780
Now, remember, Amjad,
just a little bit of complimentary chitty chatter.
370
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:04,820
Hello, sir. Hello, Mrs Boss. Good.
371
00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:06,980
Go on...
372
00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:09,540
I'm sure you don't have to worry
about your weight.
373
00:22:09,540 --> 00:22:10,900
Amjad!
374
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:13,260
Amjad! You're so not fat.
375
00:22:13,260 --> 00:22:14,020
What?
376
00:22:14,020 --> 00:22:17,140
Don't worry, mate.
Amjad is just being a silly billy.
377
00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:19,460
He's always talking
about the elephant in the room.
378
00:22:23,780 --> 00:22:28,540
You see? All good, ended in a fight.
A typical Friday night in an English pub.
379
00:22:34,740 --> 00:22:36,380
Mrs Malik.
380
00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:37,580
Thank you.
381
00:22:37,580 --> 00:22:39,060
Gulab jamun?
382
00:22:39,060 --> 00:22:40,780
Oh!
383
00:22:40,780 --> 00:22:42,580
I made them myself.
384
00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:44,060
Oh...
385
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:50,740
So kind of you to have me over again.
I feel like I'm always here. Yes.
386
00:22:50,740 --> 00:22:53,940
But, of course,
our house is your house.
387
00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:57,060
Your house is half my house
388
00:22:57,060 --> 00:22:58,380
Yes.
389
00:22:58,380 --> 00:23:03,660
We're all so excited about Amjad's
promotion. He's such a sweet boy.
390
00:23:03,660 --> 00:23:04,780
So sweet.
391
00:23:04,780 --> 00:23:05,700
And kind.
392
00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:06,700
So kind.
393
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:08,020
And clever.
394
00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:09,900
So kind.
395
00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:13,500
MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
That'll be them now!
396
00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:14,820
How did it go, budhoo?
397
00:23:14,820 --> 00:23:17,540
Oh, my God! What happened?
398
00:23:17,540 --> 00:23:19,660
What have you done
to my beautiful boy?
399
00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:20,780
Amjad!
400
00:23:20,780 --> 00:23:24,140
What do you mean? Oh, his nose?
Well, it's a funny story, actually.
401
00:23:24,140 --> 00:23:26,980
We were walking along,
minding our own business...
402
00:23:26,980 --> 00:23:28,100
What?
403
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:29,340
It's OK, Amjad, I've got this.
404
00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:32,860
And then suddenly, out of nowhere,
he walks into a lamp-post.
405
00:23:32,860 --> 00:23:35,700
No. We went to the pub
and got into a fight!
406
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:37,700
What? Oh, my God, Dad!
407
00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:41,220
Why didn't you protect him,
he's just a baby!
408
00:23:41,220 --> 00:23:45,180
Well, we were in the pub,
and there was this barmaid,
409
00:23:45,180 --> 00:23:47,780
and I was giving her
some of the chitty chatty
410
00:23:47,780 --> 00:23:51,020
and then she said,
"Do you want it fizzy or still?"
411
00:23:51,700 --> 00:23:52,980
That's not important.
412
00:23:52,980 --> 00:23:55,980
Then there was another woman,
and she was sitting over there,
413
00:23:55,980 --> 00:24:00,300
and next thing I know, Amjad's gone
over and told her she was a fatty...
414
00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:05,380
Yes, and now I'm fired and I'm banned
from MobileULike forever!
415
00:24:05,380 --> 00:24:07,260
See? Nothing to do with me!
416
00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:10,100
You've ruined his career!
What career? He works in a bloody phone shop
417
00:24:11,660 --> 00:24:15,300
This call-to-prayer campaign
and leaflets was all your idea!
418
00:24:15,300 --> 00:24:20,260
Well, really, if you think about it,
technically, the call to prayer is God's idea.
419
00:24:21,340 --> 00:24:23,900
Don't bring God into this!
420
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:26,540
This is just you trying to be
a big-shot mosque trustee
421
00:24:26,540 --> 00:24:28,100
when you don't even know
what that is!
422
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:31,540
Of course, our family
will pick up the pieces, as usual.
423
00:24:31,540 --> 00:24:34,500
Never mind
that my son will be destitute!
424
00:24:35,620 --> 00:24:37,140
And what about the shame?
425
00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:41,100
I've told everyone he's going to be
an executive at MobileULike
426
00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:45,860
and now he's unemployed! How can
we marry into this family? How? How?
427
00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:49,580
Girls, Mrs Malik is hysterical.
428
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:53,740
Let's take her in to the kitchen.
She needs camomile tea... and a Valium.
429
00:25:03,140 --> 00:25:05,540
I just wanted Shazia
to be proud of me.
430
00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:07,460
Well, you can't have everything.
431
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:11,940
I was going to buy her
lots of expensive clothes and shoes!
432
00:25:11,940 --> 00:25:14,460
Just get them from Asda.
That's what I do.
433
00:25:15,020 --> 00:25:18,220
But she deserves
to have a good husband.
434
00:25:28,940 --> 00:25:34,420
Look, Amjad, you'll make
a good husband, even without a job.
435
00:25:35,620 --> 00:25:37,940
You're kind and thoughtful.
436
00:25:37,940 --> 00:25:41,660
All right, you're not the spiciest
samosa in the tiffin box, but...
437
00:25:41,660 --> 00:25:44,940
still...you love my daughter,
438
00:25:44,940 --> 00:25:47,980
and in the end that's what matters.
439
00:25:48,460 --> 00:25:50,180
But what about the money?
440
00:25:50,180 --> 00:25:51,740
Money's not that important.
441
00:25:51,740 --> 00:25:53,100
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
442
00:25:54,180 --> 00:25:55,460
Isn't it?
443
00:25:55,460 --> 00:26:01,620
No. Look at me and Mrs Khan.
When we got married we didn't have much money, did we?
444
00:26:01,620 --> 00:26:03,060
No.
445
00:26:03,060 --> 00:26:04,860
And we didn't have a big house,
did we?
446
00:26:04,860 --> 00:26:10,380
No. We rented a one-room flat
in Balsall Heath. Above that fish-and-chip shop.
447
00:26:10,380 --> 00:26:13,500
Bert and Tina. It was their shop.
448
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,540
Your father used to help out
behind the counter.
449
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:17,540
They used to give me
free pickled eggs!
450
00:26:17,540 --> 00:26:20,420
And in the evening
we would eat dinner by candlelight,
451
00:26:20,420 --> 00:26:24,300
because in those days your father
was very careful with his money.
452
00:26:24,300 --> 00:26:26,780
True, we only had a single bed.
453
00:26:26,780 --> 00:26:30,620
But we were young and newlyweds,
so we didn't care, did we?
454
00:26:30,620 --> 00:26:33,180
No. Your mother slept on the sofa
every night.
455
00:26:35,460 --> 00:26:36,740
We managed OK, didn't we?
456
00:26:36,740 --> 00:26:39,340
I suppose we did. So you see?
457
00:26:39,340 --> 00:26:42,300
You and Shazia can be just like us.
458
00:26:46,220 --> 00:26:49,940
Forget it! What? I want
to be able to buy nice things.
459
00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:52,020
And so do I! And I want to live
in a proper house.
460
00:26:52,020 --> 00:26:54,500
And so do I!
And I want a husband with a job!
461
00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:56,340
And so do I!
462
00:26:56,340 --> 00:26:59,100
I mean, I'll get another job!
463
00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:02,660
It's OK, Mr Khan will sort it all
out...won't you?
464
00:27:03,900 --> 00:27:06,500
Mrs Malik's choking on a gulab jamun!
465
00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:14,100
I can't believe
you got your old job back, budhoo!
466
00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:16,540
I know, and the promotion.
Your dad sorted it.
467
00:27:16,540 --> 00:27:17,900
How did he do it, Mum?
468
00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,180
Oh, I think he promised them
some free advertising.
469
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:21,780
MUEZZIN CHANTS
470
00:27:26,780 --> 00:27:30,420
'This call to prayer
was brought to you by MobileULike,
471
00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:33,700
'for all your telecommunication
needs. Just round the corner from this mosque.'
472
00:27:33,700 --> 00:27:35,740
MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
473
00:27:44,260 --> 00:27:48,300
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
474
00:27:48,350 --> 00:27:52,900
Repair and Synchronization by
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