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Welcome to Sparkhill Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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00:00:07,783 --> 00:00:19,455
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru. Support Us and Donate.
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'They all know me.
You like my suit?'
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00:00:25,919 --> 00:00:28,479
'Number one, Citizen Khan.'
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00:00:31,559 --> 00:00:34,519
You all right in there, Naanijan?
'Haan.'
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00:00:36,719 --> 00:00:39,838
Right, who's in the bathroom?
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00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:43,278
Don't tell me. Is it your
grandmother again? Come on!
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Dad! She's 80 years old!
When she went in, maybe!
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00:00:46,639 --> 00:00:52,439
Dad! What? She's probably fallen
asleep! Can you hear any splashing?
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00:00:53,919 --> 00:00:59,918
Exactly. Wakey wakey! We got
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for breakfast!
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00:00:59,919 --> 00:01:04,198
I got to be out the house in half
an hour. What's with the briefcase?
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00:01:04,199 --> 00:01:07,758
The Pakistani Business Association
of Birmingham has invited me,
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00:01:07,759 --> 00:01:10,398
your father, Mr Khan,
to their annual conference.
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Sounds great!
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Yes. I'll be networking with
some of the most important small businessmen in the West Midlands.
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We got lunch, dinner, and name-tag.
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How much did you have to pay?
That's not important, Shazia.
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The main thing is,
your father is going up in the world.
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You know, when I first came
to this country I had nothing.
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And here I am,
now only 30 years later,
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getting face time with the big knobs.
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Very similar thing happened
to Lord Sir Alan Sugars.
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Come on! People are waiting!
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At this rate, I won't get time
for my three "shushes".
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What are they?
Shave, shower and... Dad!
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Shampoo!
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Finally!
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00:01:58,319 --> 00:01:59,878
Oh, God!
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She's been here three weeks, and been
stuck in the toilet every single day!
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00:02:04,799 --> 00:02:06,718
It's not broken, it's just sticky.
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00:02:06,719 --> 00:02:11,638
You have to lift it up, pull to
the right and give it a firm yank.
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00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:14,678
She can't do it.
Mum told you to fix that lock.
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00:02:14,679 --> 00:02:17,958
Just lift it up
and give it a firm yank!
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Yeh kya keh raha hai idiot?
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00:02:22,439 --> 00:02:27,439
I bet Lord Sir Alan Sugars doesn't
have to get his mother-in-law out of the toilet every morning.
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Morning, Naanijaan. Everything OK?
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Cha!
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Haat! Haat!
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Amjad's here! Hello, Amjad.
Hello, Mrs Khan. Hello, Naanijan.
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We've got to choose a colour for the
bedroom for when we're married! What do you think of that one?
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It's nice. What about my bedroom?
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In our room. "Our" room? Yeah.
In the same bed?
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Yeah.
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What, every night?
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Yeah.
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Wow!
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The novelty soon wears off.
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I'm going to be late now.
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Oh, look at this! Bloody paper
complaining about immigration again.
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I don't know why you buy that paper.
Because I agree with it!
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00:03:33,799 --> 00:03:37,958
There's too many bloody immigrants
come in to this country.
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You're an immigrant, Dad.
I'm not an immigrant, sweetie. I've been here 30 years!
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Immigrants are the Eastern Europeans,
coming over here, taking our jobs.
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Jobs meant for us Pakistanis!
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Dad!
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All right, British Pakistanis!
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So we are British, not Pakistani?
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Look, we work hard, we go to mosque,
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we pray to Allah five times a day,
how much more British can you get?!
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00:04:06,999 --> 00:04:09,479
Where's my tea? I've got to go.
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There's no milk in my chai.
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00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:16,998
Ah, we've run out. Naani had the
last of it. She likes milky chai.
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00:04:16,999 --> 00:04:20,199
I can think of one immigrant
I'd like to send home.
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Ya hanh bohat sardi hai,
uppar karo do central heating.
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She's cold, turn up the heating.
It's already on max!
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What does she want me to do,
set fire to her salwaar?
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Be nice to her, it's her birthday.
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I'm making a special cake
for her party tonight.
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The whole thing is a big surprise
so don't spoil it!
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You don't want to surprise her
too much, you might finish her off.
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Have we got any party poppers?
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Remember, you're taking her shopping
this afternoon. But I can't! Why not?
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I'm going to my conference.
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Pakistani Business Association
of Birmingham, I told you! You didn't tell me. I did!
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I want you to take her to M&S
to buy cardigans. I can't do it!
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It's a present for her.
We have to get her a treat.
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00:05:09,479 --> 00:05:11,918
Ah, hang on.
I've already got her a present.
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Really? What is it?
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A very special gift. Exclusive and
unique. I got it from NHS Direct.
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00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:22,719
Especially designed for old ladies.
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Look at that!
Helmet part in case she falls over,
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the bottles in here
to stop dehydration.
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She can put her milky chai in it.
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You can't give her that. Why not?
Has she already got one?
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Just take her to the shops.
But I can't. Take her now!
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Fine! I'll do everything!
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Naanijaan's on the sofa
and now she can't get up again!
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Oh, my God!
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Be careful! She's an old lady!
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All right, get out the way.
Stand back! Stand back!
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Let the dog see the old goat.
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Right, come on Naanijaan. On teen.
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Ek, do, teen...
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Come on! Up!
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Yeh kiya kar raha uloo?
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My back!
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Oh, my God! Yeh kya hora ha hai
Koi maddat kareh. Somebody help!
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What should I do? Grab her arms!
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AH!
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Perfect!
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Hai! My back!
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I think it might be broken.
Naani, are you OK? Haan.
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00:06:33,999 --> 00:06:36,999
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
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All right, Naanijan?
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OK, Naani? You finish your chai, and
then Mr Khan will take you shopping. Won't you?
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Right! Fine!
Then I'll get to my conference later.
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Oh, yes, and take her to the mosque
first - she likes to pray there.
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But then I'll never make it!
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I don't care about your conference.
My mother is more important, OK?
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00:07:05,679 --> 00:07:08,838
Chalup, have a good time
and we'll see you later.
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00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:13,798
Right, come on then. Let's get this
over with. Namaz. What? Namaz.
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00:07:13,799 --> 00:07:18,278
No, we're going shopping. Not time
for prayers, understand! Namaz! No-ho!
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We're praying at the mosque!
Masjid mein! Masjid mein!
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You're facing the wrong way!
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Hanh? You're facing the wrong way!
Galat hai! Oh, God!
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I know what I'll be praying for.
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00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,598
Areh jaldi karo namaz ka waqt
hora ha hai.
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00:08:09,599 --> 00:08:13,839
I know it's nearly prayer time.
We're at the mosque, aren't we?
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00:08:15,359 --> 00:08:19,158
Asalaam alaikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum
asalaam, Riaz. How's it going? Good.
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00:08:19,159 --> 00:08:21,518
Just got one more to do.
Did you hear that?
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00:08:21,519 --> 00:08:26,118
This would be a good time to go.
You'd be at the front of the queue.
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00:08:26,119 --> 00:08:29,438
The mother-in-law. Asalaam Alaikum.
Asalaam Alaikum.
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00:08:29,439 --> 00:08:31,318
How are you enjoying Sparkhill?
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00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:34,678
It's OK. This is Omar.
He's from Somalia.
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Muslim like us,
but he's got a funny accent.
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Come on, this way.
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What do think of the mosque?
Good, eh?
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00:08:51,319 --> 00:08:54,998
Mujay lagra hai doctor waiting room.
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00:08:54,999 --> 00:08:58,838
All right.
This is just the mosque office. Prayer room is down the corridor.
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00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:01,398
Hum kab ja rahey Marks and Spencers?
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00:09:01,399 --> 00:09:04,678
I thought you wanted to pray?
Make your bloody mind up!
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00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:08,118
Namaz pehlay, phir cardigans.
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00:09:08,119 --> 00:09:11,438
Right, come on then, choppity chop.
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00:09:11,439 --> 00:09:13,678
Ladies' prayer room
is second on the right.
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00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:17,439
You want to get in God's good books -
you might be seeing him soon!
136
00:09:22,079 --> 00:09:24,278
Mr Khan, can I have a quick word?
137
00:09:24,279 --> 00:09:27,078
I'm making a phone call.
Can you wait outside?
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00:09:27,079 --> 00:09:30,558
It is my office.
I am the mosque manager.
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00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:34,158
ALl right. AlL right. I still
don't know how you got this job.
140
00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:36,879
What was it? Equal opportunity scheme
for gingers?
141
00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:40,718
Oh, hello, Mr Bhutt?
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00:09:40,719 --> 00:09:42,599
Yes, it's Mr Khan speaking.
143
00:09:43,599 --> 00:09:47,278
No, Mr Khan. Khan.
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K, H for Hat, A for Asian,
N for Knowledge.
145
00:09:52,039 --> 00:09:55,598
Yes, that's me. I'm supposed to be
coming to the conference...
146
00:09:55,599 --> 00:09:58,879
Mr Khan, have you parked in the...
I'm on the phone, Dave!
147
00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:03,758
Yes, I was wondering,
if you don't come to the lunch,
148
00:10:03,759 --> 00:10:05,799
can you get some money back?
149
00:10:06,879 --> 00:10:08,598
No. I see.
150
00:10:08,599 --> 00:10:10,798
No, don't remove my place name!
151
00:10:10,799 --> 00:10:14,918
Mr Khan... Oh, no.
That's my secretary, Margaret.
152
00:10:14,919 --> 00:10:18,679
A cup of tea, darling. Two sugars
and a couple of ginger nuts.
153
00:10:20,879 --> 00:10:22,878
Yes, yes. I'm still coming.
154
00:10:22,879 --> 00:10:27,478
Yes. OK. I'm coming. I'll be there.
OK. OK. Bye. OK. OK. Bye.
155
00:10:27,479 --> 00:10:29,678
What do you want?
156
00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:32,918
I couldn't help noticing
you're parked in the disabled bay.
157
00:10:32,919 --> 00:10:34,358
Mr Qureshi never minded.
158
00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:37,798
Yes, well, Mr Qureshi is in
a retirement home in Balsall Heath
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00:10:37,799 --> 00:10:40,998
and those bays are only for people
with genuine disabilities.
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00:10:40,999 --> 00:10:43,238
That's not very Muslim, is it? Sorry?
161
00:10:43,239 --> 00:10:45,758
Well, this kind of discrimination,
not very Muslim.
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00:10:45,759 --> 00:10:48,918
I'm afraid I don't follow. Ah,
well, you're new to this game.
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00:10:48,919 --> 00:10:52,238
What you have to remember, Dave,
is that God, Muslim God,
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he's a very nice fellow.
He sees all men the same.
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00:10:55,079 --> 00:10:59,678
Man with one leg, one arm.
Those ones with the really big head.
166
00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:02,278
He doesn't care. We're all equal,
you see? Right.
167
00:11:02,279 --> 00:11:04,878
So you giving a special
parking space to disableds
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00:11:04,879 --> 00:11:06,998
is going against
the teachings of Islam.
169
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,438
I don't think that's what I'm...
170
00:11:09,439 --> 00:11:11,878
We're all the same
in God's eyes, Dave.
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00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:15,319
And if I have to park in the disabled
space to prove it, then I will.
172
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:19,278
Couldn't you just move your car?
173
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,759
I mean, what if someone
less able than you needs it?
174
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:26,399
I got someone less able. What?
How about that then?
175
00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:30,639
Look at her.
She's practically falling apart.
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00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:35,758
Mein khudhkhushi karloongi
agar nahin jarai Marks & Spencer.
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00:11:35,759 --> 00:11:37,398
All right. I'm taking you.
178
00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:39,839
I didn't realise you had
an elderly person with you.
179
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,398
She's the mother-in-law.
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00:11:41,399 --> 00:11:46,438
Yeh kaun hai? This is Dave, Naani.
The mosque manager.
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00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,918
I know, I can't get my head
round it either.
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00:11:49,919 --> 00:11:52,318
Asalaam alaikum.
Waleikum Asalaam.
183
00:11:52,319 --> 00:11:56,358
Can I get you anything? Cup of tea?
Ek cup garam cha PG Tip.
184
00:11:56,359 --> 00:12:00,318
All right. We haven't got time
for that! I've got to go to my business conference.
185
00:12:00,319 --> 00:12:03,078
They're serving minestrone soup
for lunch.
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00:12:03,079 --> 00:12:04,958
Go on. Get your coat.
187
00:12:04,959 --> 00:12:07,238
I tell you,
she's a bloody nightmare, Dave.
188
00:12:07,239 --> 00:12:09,798
Praying every five minutes.
189
00:12:09,799 --> 00:12:12,518
God must be sick of the sight of her.
190
00:12:12,519 --> 00:12:15,318
If she's not praying, she's peeing.
191
00:12:15,319 --> 00:12:18,038
Don't the scholars teach us
to look after our elders
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00:12:18,039 --> 00:12:19,959
and treat them
with the utmost respect?
193
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:24,118
They weren't hanging around the
ladies' bogs on the Stratford Road.
194
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,918
Looking after old people
can be tricky.
195
00:12:26,919 --> 00:12:31,238
I've got the mosque lady pensioners
in today. Some of them can be a bit of a handful, I can tell you.
196
00:12:31,239 --> 00:12:32,959
Dave? Hmm?
197
00:12:33,999 --> 00:12:36,118
Maybe I can leave Naani
here with you?
198
00:12:36,119 --> 00:12:39,518
You can take her to the shops for me.
Oh, er, I don't think I can.
199
00:12:39,519 --> 00:12:43,158
Why not? She's no trouble.
You've got the other ones in anyway.
200
00:12:43,159 --> 00:12:45,998
Yes, but they're planning a day
of reading from the Qur'an.
201
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,598
There's plenty of time for that.
202
00:12:47,599 --> 00:12:50,158
You want to get these old birds
some retail therapy.
203
00:12:50,159 --> 00:12:53,958
Take her to the Bullring.
She'll love it.
204
00:12:53,959 --> 00:12:58,718
I suppose I could take the minibus.
There you go. We could make it a regular thing.
205
00:12:58,719 --> 00:13:02,238
Brilliant. Help to integrate
the mosque worshippers with the wider community.
206
00:13:02,239 --> 00:13:05,879
It's been a long time since
anyone's integrated her, I tell you.
207
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:11,039
Hey! You'll be getting a ride
on the minibus. Good, eh?
208
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,638
Oh, she loves you. I can tell.
209
00:13:14,639 --> 00:13:16,598
You're going to have a great time.
210
00:13:16,599 --> 00:13:20,118
Just point her in the direction of
the knitwear section and let her go.
211
00:13:20,119 --> 00:13:22,318
She'll be happy as Barry.
212
00:13:22,319 --> 00:13:24,038
Does she know her way around town?
213
00:13:24,039 --> 00:13:27,599
Oh, yes. If the town you're talking
about is Rawalpindi.
214
00:13:28,879 --> 00:13:31,558
I'm just thinking, you know,
it's a big place.
215
00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:33,719
Don't worry. I've got just the thing.
216
00:13:37,959 --> 00:13:40,678
There you go.
217
00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,918
You'll spot her a mile away.
218
00:13:43,919 --> 00:13:45,398
Have fun.
219
00:13:45,399 --> 00:13:47,279
OK. Bye.
220
00:13:50,759 --> 00:13:53,718
Name tag? Check. Suit?
Check. Briefcase...
221
00:13:53,719 --> 00:13:55,479
Oh, buddy.
222
00:13:58,759 --> 00:14:01,239
Hurry up. Naanijaan will be back
any minute now.
223
00:14:02,479 --> 00:14:04,558
Oh, no. The guests
are arriving already.
224
00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:07,438
Oh, that'll be Mrs Ramiz. She did
say she was going to come early.
225
00:14:07,439 --> 00:14:09,518
Alia, go and answer the door.
226
00:14:09,519 --> 00:14:12,758
Surprise party? How exciting.
227
00:14:12,759 --> 00:14:17,078
Yes! Of course, most elderly people
don't like surprises.
228
00:14:17,079 --> 00:14:19,198
But I'm sure your mother
is different.
229
00:14:19,199 --> 00:14:22,318
Yes. So, how old is she going to be?
230
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:25,438
She's 80. 80!
231
00:14:25,439 --> 00:14:29,479
So she must have had you
when she was very young.
232
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,518
I love surprise parties.
233
00:14:34,519 --> 00:14:38,799
Hey. Maybe I can organise a surprise
party for you for our wedding?
234
00:14:43,039 --> 00:14:45,118
But you've told me now.
235
00:14:45,119 --> 00:14:47,678
Yes? So it won't be a surprise.
236
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,238
Ah, yes.
237
00:14:49,239 --> 00:14:53,318
Hey, Mummy, did you know that
when we are married
238
00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:57,439
we get to sleep in the same bed
every night.
239
00:15:05,999 --> 00:15:08,958
Dad! Alia. Where's Naanijan?
240
00:15:08,959 --> 00:15:12,278
She's, er, at the mosque, praying.
Dave's looking after her.
241
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,598
Now, where's your mother?
In the kitchen.
242
00:15:14,599 --> 00:15:16,678
Right. Have you seen
my briefcase? Why?
243
00:15:16,679 --> 00:15:21,118
It's got all my important papers
in it. It might be upstairs. Great.
244
00:15:21,119 --> 00:15:23,438
I must say, I do like your outfit.
245
00:15:23,439 --> 00:15:26,718
Oh, thank you. It's new.
246
00:15:26,719 --> 00:15:29,398
Don't tell Mr Malik.
247
00:15:29,399 --> 00:15:30,798
Of course.
248
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:34,878
It's just so nice to have an excuse
to dress up, though.
249
00:15:34,879 --> 00:15:36,718
It is.
250
00:15:36,719 --> 00:15:39,119
So what will you be wearing?
251
00:15:40,919 --> 00:15:47,198
I... Er, Shazia, why don't you take
Mrs Malik through to the parlour?
252
00:15:47,199 --> 00:15:49,318
The what?
253
00:15:49,319 --> 00:15:51,879
The room with the TV.
254
00:16:07,959 --> 00:16:10,799
Mrs Ramiz, what are you doing
in here?!
255
00:16:12,079 --> 00:16:14,118
I'll just leave you to, er...
256
00:16:14,119 --> 00:16:17,678
Why didn't you lock the door,
you silly Billy?
257
00:16:17,679 --> 00:16:20,838
It's broken. Don't worry.
We'll be out of here in a jiffy.
258
00:16:20,839 --> 00:16:23,319
There's a knack to this.
You just have to...
259
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,638
Don't worry, Mrs Ramiz.
We'll be out of here in a moment.
260
00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:33,879
You just have to lift it up, pull to
the right and give it a firm yank.
261
00:16:35,399 --> 00:16:38,238
Uh? Is that you, Amjad? Yes.
262
00:16:38,239 --> 00:16:41,038
I'm in here with Mrs Ramiz. OK.
263
00:16:41,039 --> 00:16:44,998
We're stuck.
OK. Shall I go get Mrs Khan?
264
00:16:44,999 --> 00:16:47,038
No! Don't bother her with this.
265
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,719
Just go and get me some WD40.
266
00:16:53,599 --> 00:16:55,519
Why don't you take a seat?
267
00:17:35,999 --> 00:17:39,438
I wonder why Mum's taking so long
to get ready?
268
00:17:39,439 --> 00:17:41,879
She must be redoing her hair
and make up as well.
269
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,359
Do you think? Well, I hope so.
270
00:17:47,239 --> 00:17:50,958
Ahhh, Mr Khan. Asalaam alaikum.
271
00:17:50,959 --> 00:17:54,158
Waleikum Asalaam, Mrs Malik.
No Mr Malik?
272
00:17:54,159 --> 00:17:57,318
Working. Always working, huh?
273
00:17:57,319 --> 00:18:00,998
I think it's more important to spend
time with the people you love.
274
00:18:00,999 --> 00:18:02,678
I'm always telling Mrs Khan.
275
00:18:02,679 --> 00:18:04,718
To us, family is family.
276
00:18:04,719 --> 00:18:06,518
Her mother is my mother.
277
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,759
Her children are my children.
278
00:18:10,079 --> 00:18:12,278
Very laudable, I'm sure.
279
00:18:12,279 --> 00:18:14,398
That's me. Family comes first.
280
00:18:14,399 --> 00:18:17,798
Right. I'm going to my business
conference. What?
281
00:18:17,799 --> 00:18:20,118
Pakistani Business Association
Of Birmingham.
282
00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:22,878
If I hurry, I'll just catch
Mr Butt's PowerPoint presentation
283
00:18:22,879 --> 00:18:25,759
on the history of Cash and Carrys
in the West Midlands.
284
00:18:26,919 --> 00:18:29,319
Hello, darling. Goodbye, darling.
Er, where's Naani?
285
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,798
Did you take her to M&S?
Yes, of course.
286
00:18:31,799 --> 00:18:34,438
But she wanted to do more praying.
You know what she's like.
287
00:18:34,439 --> 00:18:35,919
I couldn't get her off the floor.
288
00:18:37,639 --> 00:18:40,238
OK. But the rest of the guests
will be arriving soon.
289
00:18:40,239 --> 00:18:41,638
Everyone's coming.
290
00:18:41,639 --> 00:18:44,158
Even Mrs Ramiz has shown her face.
291
00:18:44,159 --> 00:18:47,199
She's shown a lot more than that.
292
00:18:49,479 --> 00:18:51,758
Naani can't be late
for her own party.
293
00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:54,238
Don't worry. Dave is bringing her.
294
00:18:54,239 --> 00:18:57,078
She'll be here any moment.
Yeah, but...
295
00:18:57,079 --> 00:18:59,358
Chillax, sweetie. It'll all be OK.
296
00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:02,279
There you go. See?
297
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:06,038
All right. All right.
Keep your hair on.
298
00:19:06,039 --> 00:19:08,478
Hello, Dave. She's gone, Mr Khan.
299
00:19:08,479 --> 00:19:13,478
What? Naanijan, I've lost her.
What do you mean, you've lost her?
300
00:19:13,479 --> 00:19:15,918
How can you lose an 80-year-old
Pakistani woman?
301
00:19:15,919 --> 00:19:17,877
I got confused.
There are too many of them.
302
00:19:17,878 --> 00:19:19,799
Careful, Dave.
That sounds a bit racist.
303
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,719
I just meant they all look the same.
That's better.
304
00:19:24,759 --> 00:19:28,438
One minute, she was with me. Then I
had to take Mr Farzai to the toilet.
305
00:19:28,439 --> 00:19:31,798
I can't believe this.
Neither could I. What's going on?
306
00:19:31,799 --> 00:19:32,839
Nothing.
307
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:36,598
What are you doing?!
308
00:19:36,599 --> 00:19:38,918
Let's have a little chat in here.
309
00:19:38,919 --> 00:19:41,319
But where's Naani?
You said Dave was bringing her.
310
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,478
Yes, absolutely right.
So where is she?
311
00:19:43,479 --> 00:19:45,198
Dave? Well, the thing is...
312
00:19:45,199 --> 00:19:46,598
What happened was...
313
00:19:46,599 --> 00:19:48,239
Don't tell me you've lost my mother!
314
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,838
No, of course not. She's not lost.
We know exactly where she is.
315
00:19:51,839 --> 00:19:53,959
Where? Dave?
316
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,519
In Millets.
317
00:19:57,839 --> 00:19:59,878
I thought you said she was praying?
318
00:19:59,879 --> 00:20:03,799
Dave! How many times have I told you?
Don't let her pray in Millets.
319
00:20:06,159 --> 00:20:08,878
Well, I know she wanted a cardigan,
320
00:20:08,879 --> 00:20:11,078
but I thought a fleece
might be more practical
321
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:13,798
and they've got great outdoor gear.
322
00:20:13,799 --> 00:20:15,078
Outdoor gear?
323
00:20:15,079 --> 00:20:17,198
Dave! She's going home to Pakistan.
324
00:20:17,199 --> 00:20:20,439
She's not white-water rafting
with Bear-bloody-Grylls.
325
00:20:22,839 --> 00:20:25,798
So you left her in the shop
with an assistant?
326
00:20:25,799 --> 00:20:28,478
Yes. Exactly.
So it's all fine, you see?
327
00:20:28,479 --> 00:20:32,358
She was trying to choose between
the half zip and full zip, you see.
328
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:35,878
I said the full zip might be better
because you don't have to pull it over your head
329
00:20:35,879 --> 00:20:39,959
which can be quite tricky
for an elderly person. All right, Dave. Don't overdo it.
330
00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:43,718
OK. But what am I supposed
to tell all the guests?
331
00:20:43,719 --> 00:20:49,199
It's OK. We're going to go and get
her and it will all be tickety boo.
332
00:20:51,519 --> 00:20:53,319
Well, go on then!
333
00:21:04,319 --> 00:21:07,639
Have you seen my mother-in-law?
She's an old woman like this...
334
00:21:15,319 --> 00:21:17,039
Naani?
335
00:21:18,239 --> 00:21:19,439
Naani?
336
00:21:35,319 --> 00:21:37,359
It's OK. I'm just praying.
337
00:21:45,719 --> 00:21:49,238
Excuse me. Excuse me. Naani? Hold on!
338
00:21:49,239 --> 00:21:51,998
Naani. Excuse me. Excuse me, lady.
339
00:21:51,999 --> 00:21:53,479
Excuse me. Naani?
340
00:21:54,679 --> 00:21:55,718
Oh, God.
341
00:21:55,719 --> 00:21:57,158
Excuse me. Excuse me.
342
00:21:57,159 --> 00:21:58,599
Excuse me.
343
00:22:03,999 --> 00:22:06,239
What?! I'm looking for an old woman.
344
00:22:13,039 --> 00:22:14,479
Mr Khan.
345
00:22:22,519 --> 00:22:24,678
Right. It's simple.
I just need to tell
346
00:22:24,679 --> 00:22:27,838
Mrs Khan her mother is at the bottom
of the Birmingham and Fazeley Canal.
347
00:22:27,839 --> 00:22:30,918
Now come on. We don't know that for
sure. The police are still trawling
348
00:22:30,919 --> 00:22:32,639
and they haven't found anything yet.
349
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,878
You're right. We don't really know
what's happened. She might be fine.
350
00:22:35,879 --> 00:22:39,358
Exactly. For all we know, she could
be in the cafe at Marks & Spencer
351
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,839
having a cup of tea
with a bag full of cardigans.
352
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,878
The main thing is
we have to be very sensitive
353
00:22:43,879 --> 00:22:45,439
when we break the news to Mrs Khan.
354
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:46,718
Yes.
355
00:22:46,719 --> 00:22:48,278
Do you want to do it?
356
00:22:48,279 --> 00:22:50,758
I think it would be better
coming from you.
357
00:22:50,759 --> 00:22:52,838
Right. You have to sit her down
358
00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:56,838
and then give her time to digest
the news in a quiet place
359
00:22:56,839 --> 00:22:59,358
where she feels safe and calm.
360
00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:00,439
OK.
361
00:23:07,559 --> 00:23:10,678
Surprise!
362
00:23:10,679 --> 00:23:14,078
Where's the birthday girl? What?
Where's Naanijan? What?
363
00:23:14,079 --> 00:23:16,279
Is she outside? What?
Why don't you bring her in?
364
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,238
We've been waiting for ages.
365
00:23:19,239 --> 00:23:22,318
I don't think we should bring her
in here with all this jumping up
366
00:23:22,319 --> 00:23:23,679
and everyone making noise.
367
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,478
It's a surprise party!
Bring her in, Papaji.
368
00:23:26,479 --> 00:23:27,878
In a minute, sweetie.
369
00:23:27,879 --> 00:23:29,958
She is here, isn't she? Mmm?
370
00:23:29,959 --> 00:23:32,598
Why won't you bring her in?
He's done something.
371
00:23:32,599 --> 00:23:35,358
I knew it. He's always
doing something.
372
00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,038
Is she late? Yes.
373
00:23:37,039 --> 00:23:39,958
How late? Very.
374
00:23:39,959 --> 00:23:42,558
Naani's very late. She's...
375
00:23:42,559 --> 00:23:43,878
the late Naani.
376
00:23:43,879 --> 00:23:46,158
Has something happened to her?
377
00:23:46,159 --> 00:23:47,518
No. Yes.
378
00:23:47,519 --> 00:23:49,878
Yes. No. Maybe.
379
00:23:49,879 --> 00:23:53,358
Where's Naani? Hello, sweetie.
Why don't you sit down?
380
00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:54,398
Why?
381
00:23:54,399 --> 00:23:56,998
I'm coming to that.
But first, one question.
382
00:23:56,999 --> 00:23:59,558
About Naani, I can't remember,
383
00:23:59,559 --> 00:24:01,399
was she a good swimmer?
384
00:24:02,999 --> 00:24:04,959
What's that got to do with anything?
385
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,078
Never mind. Look...
386
00:24:07,079 --> 00:24:09,078
The thing is...
387
00:24:09,079 --> 00:24:13,318
there comes a time when we must bid
farewell to our loved ones.
388
00:24:13,319 --> 00:24:16,318
They've had a good innings,
389
00:24:16,319 --> 00:24:20,078
but when the great umpire
in the sky shows you the finger,
390
00:24:20,079 --> 00:24:24,558
it's time to take that long walk
back to the pavilion.
391
00:24:24,559 --> 00:24:29,078
Naani, caught canal,
bowled God for 80.
392
00:24:29,079 --> 00:24:31,799
And she is out.
393
00:24:32,999 --> 00:24:34,038
Or not out!
394
00:24:34,039 --> 00:24:36,998
Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!
395
00:24:36,999 --> 00:24:40,919
Bohat dher lagati
stupid number 37 bus.
396
00:24:42,079 --> 00:24:46,158
Aww, Naani.
397
00:24:46,159 --> 00:24:47,279
Happy birthday.
398
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,799
Surprise!
399
00:24:51,559 --> 00:24:54,318
Right. I'm going
to my business conference.
400
00:24:54,319 --> 00:24:56,318
They'll be serving trio of desserts.
401
00:24:56,319 --> 00:24:59,518
That's when the real business
happens, anyway.
402
00:24:59,519 --> 00:25:02,358
What? What is it?
403
00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:05,278
What is it?! You lost my mother!
404
00:25:05,279 --> 00:25:08,878
Yes, but then we found her again,
so it's all back to normal. OK?
405
00:25:08,879 --> 00:25:09,959
Finished.
406
00:25:12,639 --> 00:25:16,158
She was wandering
out there all alone.
407
00:25:16,159 --> 00:25:19,158
Anything could have happened to her.
She could have been run over.
408
00:25:19,159 --> 00:25:22,078
Yes, but... She could
have been mugged. I know, but...
409
00:25:22,079 --> 00:25:24,838
She could have been picked up
and taken advantage of.
410
00:25:24,839 --> 00:25:27,479
OK. Let's not get carried away now.
411
00:25:28,839 --> 00:25:30,478
You've never liked her.
412
00:25:30,479 --> 00:25:32,278
Me? Of course I like her.
413
00:25:32,279 --> 00:25:35,518
When she's here, all you do is moan.
You can't wait to be rid of her.
414
00:25:35,519 --> 00:25:38,278
That's not true.
I love having her here. It's great.
415
00:25:38,279 --> 00:25:41,798
What do you love
about having her here? Everything.
416
00:25:41,799 --> 00:25:43,958
Like? Like...
417
00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:46,558
The praying. The shuffling.
418
00:25:46,559 --> 00:25:48,878
How she hums under her breath
in the morning.
419
00:25:48,879 --> 00:25:51,438
The way she spits in the fireplace.
420
00:25:51,439 --> 00:25:54,518
Seeing her crinkly old face come out
the bathroom in the morning.
421
00:25:54,519 --> 00:25:56,558
She is leaving soon, isn't she?
422
00:25:56,559 --> 00:25:58,758
She'll be safely back in Pakistan
423
00:25:58,759 --> 00:26:01,318
and you'll never
have to see her again.
424
00:26:01,319 --> 00:26:03,239
Until the next time.
425
00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:08,838
Now what?
426
00:26:08,839 --> 00:26:10,878
What if there is no next time?
427
00:26:10,879 --> 00:26:12,718
How do you mean?
428
00:26:12,719 --> 00:26:15,558
We have to face it,
she's an old lady.
429
00:26:15,559 --> 00:26:20,319
She'll go back to Pakistan
and I'll never see her again.
430
00:26:22,479 --> 00:26:25,399
Hey. Come on.
431
00:26:27,479 --> 00:26:29,319
Don't be sad.
432
00:26:30,919 --> 00:26:33,679
We've all got to go sometime.
433
00:26:37,479 --> 00:26:39,678
Right.
434
00:26:39,679 --> 00:26:42,839
OK. Why doesn't Naanijan
come and live with us?
435
00:26:43,879 --> 00:26:45,438
What? Naanijan...
436
00:26:45,439 --> 00:26:49,278
She can come and live with us. She
doesn't need to go back to Pakistan.
437
00:26:49,279 --> 00:26:50,359
Ever?
438
00:26:51,599 --> 00:26:52,678
No.
439
00:26:52,679 --> 00:26:54,318
You mean it?
440
00:26:54,319 --> 00:26:55,639
Ah.
441
00:26:56,959 --> 00:26:58,678
Thank you.
442
00:26:58,679 --> 00:27:00,599
It's all right.
443
00:27:03,159 --> 00:27:06,758
Now I can see her
as much as I want. Yes.
444
00:27:06,759 --> 00:27:09,318
And the girls get
to spend time with her.
445
00:27:09,319 --> 00:27:12,279
Yes. A little bit more time before,
you know, she...
446
00:27:14,559 --> 00:27:16,158
What do you mean?
447
00:27:16,159 --> 00:27:19,039
You know, she's getting old and...
448
00:27:20,519 --> 00:27:22,758
No. It'll all be fine.
449
00:27:22,759 --> 00:27:25,158
Mrs Akmal's mother
came to live with them
450
00:27:25,159 --> 00:27:27,439
and she lived to be 104.
451
00:27:28,479 --> 00:27:31,079
Oh, God!
452
00:27:32,399 --> 00:27:34,078
Goodbye. Thank you for coming.
453
00:27:34,079 --> 00:27:37,838
We've had a wonderful time.
We must do this again soon.
454
00:27:37,839 --> 00:27:40,558
Well, there's no rush, eh?
Thank you.
455
00:27:40,559 --> 00:27:42,559
Goodbye. Khuda Hafiz.
456
00:27:46,159 --> 00:27:48,878
Naani,
457
00:27:48,879 --> 00:27:51,918
we have something very exciting
to tell you.
458
00:27:51,919 --> 00:27:54,158
Don't we? Yes.
459
00:27:54,159 --> 00:27:57,238
Er, we have decided that you don't
need to go back to Pakistan.
460
00:27:57,239 --> 00:28:01,278
You can stay here and live with us
in our house
461
00:28:01,279 --> 00:28:05,478
for your final years. Or the rest of
your days. You know, whichever.
462
00:28:05,479 --> 00:28:09,918
Mujay yah nahi rehna
yeh toh paagal khana hai.
463
00:28:09,919 --> 00:28:11,478
Aur Birmingham?
464
00:28:11,479 --> 00:28:12,759
Shithole!
465
00:28:15,896 --> 00:28:25,835
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466
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