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1
00:00:00,171 --> 00:00:03,367
Everything's changed
now. Rob's left his job.
2
00:00:03,369 --> 00:00:06,395
Because he wanted to. He
wasn't fired or laid off.
3
00:00:06,397 --> 00:00:09,513
He just felt like a...
4
00:00:09,515 --> 00:00:12,368
So we have to move house into
a smaller house, which is,
5
00:00:12,370 --> 00:00:13,735
I mean, it's not the end
of the world, you know,
6
00:00:13,737 --> 00:00:18,541
there's rooms we don't use, but
it's stressful, it's emotional.
7
00:00:18,543 --> 00:00:20,150
Our daughter was born there.
8
00:00:20,152 --> 00:00:22,713
- No, she wasn't.
- Yeah.
9
00:00:22,715 --> 00:00:25,434
Well, she was born when
we lived there, so...
10
00:00:25,435 --> 00:00:26,474
It's all she knows.
11
00:00:26,475 --> 00:00:28,905
I've had to go back to
work, which, you know,
12
00:00:28,907 --> 00:00:31,752
Rob made that choice for us. I
mean, it was the right choice...
13
00:00:31,754 --> 00:00:35,816
Well, we all make choices, honey.
14
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:38,793
- Don't we, Anthony?
- Yeah.
15
00:00:38,795 --> 00:00:40,946
Of course. We all do. Uh...
16
00:00:40,948 --> 00:00:42,469
So, you want to put the
house on the market, yeah?
17
00:00:42,471 --> 00:00:45,592
Yeah. So, I'd say is worth a fair
amount now, isn't it, our house?
18
00:00:45,594 --> 00:00:48,892
We painted it, it's all Dulux
Heritage colours now, isn't it?
19
00:00:48,894 --> 00:00:50,056
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
20
00:00:50,058 --> 00:00:51,985
We bought it about two
and a half years ago,
21
00:00:51,987 --> 00:00:54,059
so I'd say its value is...
22
00:00:54,061 --> 00:00:56,474
Yeah, I got you a great
price for that, I remember.
23
00:00:56,476 --> 00:00:58,841
But, um, right now I'd say
it's not going to be worth
24
00:00:58,843 --> 00:01:02,514
a lot more than what you paid for it.
25
00:01:02,515 --> 00:01:04,571
How much "not a lot more?"
26
00:01:04,573 --> 00:01:06,597
Well, it's all sort of
dropped off a bit, hasn't it,
27
00:01:06,599 --> 00:01:09,314
since the whole Brexit nonsense?
28
00:01:09,315 --> 00:01:12,274
If I'm honest, now is
not a good time to sell.
29
00:01:12,275 --> 00:01:15,968
If I were you, I'd just
sort of leave it for a while.
30
00:01:15,970 --> 00:01:19,327
(PHONE VIBRATES)
31
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:21,009
(HE LAUGHS)
32
00:01:21,011 --> 00:01:25,727
Just out of curiosity, if it
is such a worthless shithole,
33
00:01:25,729 --> 00:01:27,954
why'd you make us buy
it in the first place?
34
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,674
We didn't make you buy it, did we?
35
00:01:29,675 --> 00:01:32,154
I remember you telling us we
were making a great investment.
36
00:01:32,155 --> 00:01:35,332
Yeah, you were. It is a great investment.
37
00:01:35,334 --> 00:01:37,327
It just sounds to me like
you're contradicting yourself.
38
00:01:37,329 --> 00:01:40,418
- I'm just telling you the market reality.
- The market reality?
39
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:42,608
How are you going to get a good
rate with an attitude like that?
40
00:01:42,610 --> 00:01:43,991
You know, what about positive thinking?
41
00:01:43,993 --> 00:01:46,633
- I mean, you've got to jazz it up, buddy.
- Yeah.
42
00:01:46,635 --> 00:01:48,020
And why are you smiling?
43
00:01:48,022 --> 00:01:49,309
You're telling us bad news,
44
00:01:49,311 --> 00:01:52,193
you should do that with a
sombre face or a neutral one.
45
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:54,554
It just doesn't seem like
you're a serious person.
46
00:01:54,555 --> 00:01:57,110
All the smiling, your
clothes. You're at work.
47
00:01:57,112 --> 00:02:01,524
People make life decisions in here and
you're sitting there all trussed up.
48
00:02:01,526 --> 00:02:05,006
- You look like a magician.
- Because of the jewellery.
49
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:12,274
So, do we take a sign with
us to stick on our lawn?
50
00:02:12,275 --> 00:02:15,014
- No, we've got a guy.
- Cool.
51
00:02:15,275 --> 00:02:20,275
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
52
00:02:20,715 --> 00:02:23,034
So, if you think you like the house,
53
00:02:23,035 --> 00:02:28,566
I should say that I received
an offer last week from two men,
54
00:02:28,568 --> 00:02:32,792
brothers, I think, they
had the same haircut.
55
00:02:32,794 --> 00:02:35,791
- They may just have been roommates.
- Probably.
56
00:02:35,793 --> 00:02:37,813
- They said they were dancers.
- Oh!
57
00:02:37,815 --> 00:02:39,390
In any case, though,
they were talking about
58
00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:41,394
knocking this down and ripping that out.
59
00:02:41,396 --> 00:02:44,754
- What? That's nuts. This house is great.
- Thank you.
60
00:02:44,755 --> 00:02:47,455
Yes, my wife had a flair for design.
61
00:02:47,457 --> 00:02:50,343
You can't buy carpets this colour any more.
62
00:02:50,345 --> 00:02:53,818
- It's a very bright brown.
- Mmm. Persian.
63
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:56,161
Or as you young people call it now, Iran.
64
00:02:56,163 --> 00:02:56,934
(HE LAUGHS)
65
00:02:56,936 --> 00:03:00,232
We used to call it Persia.
That was good enough for us.
66
00:03:00,234 --> 00:03:02,670
So, would you like a drink of any kind?
67
00:03:02,672 --> 00:03:06,578
Aw, yeah, I'll have a tea
with lemon. Thank you, Wallace.
68
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:07,321
Robert.
69
00:03:07,323 --> 00:03:11,034
No, I'm good, thank you.
70
00:03:11,035 --> 00:03:14,759
- Tea with lemon?
- Shut up.
71
00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:15,635
What do you think?
72
00:03:15,637 --> 00:03:17,896
- Do you think his wife died here?
- Who cares?
73
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,818
It's charming as fuck.
74
00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:21,419
I think I love it.
75
00:03:21,421 --> 00:03:24,607
- Can I show you one thing very quickly?
- Yeah.
76
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:31,233
What are you doing?
77
00:03:31,235 --> 00:03:33,247
- Very uncomfortable.
- Right.
78
00:03:33,249 --> 00:03:35,314
Well, maybe learn to take
a shit in under 20 minutes.
79
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:39,028
- That's ridiculous and impossible.
- I really like this house.
80
00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:41,333
I swear to God, if you knocked
through that pokey kitchen into that
81
00:03:41,335 --> 00:03:44,163
ridiculous little scullery, you
could take away a lot of the...
82
00:03:44,165 --> 00:03:48,861
charm of the... sort of, you
know, how it's like a cosy maze?
83
00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:52,391
So, I don't know what those
dancers were talking about!
84
00:03:52,393 --> 00:03:54,232
Do you feel bad that we lied to an old man?
85
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,833
I feel bad that you lied to him.
86
00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:57,256
I mean, I was just standing there while you
87
00:03:57,258 --> 00:03:58,929
told him we had a mortgage ready to go.
88
00:03:58,931 --> 00:04:02,049
Yeah, well, it might be a lie today,
but it's not going to be a lie next week.
89
00:04:02,051 --> 00:04:05,154
Maybe, I think.
90
00:04:05,155 --> 00:04:07,091
I like this little area. Do you?
91
00:04:07,093 --> 00:04:09,487
- Sure.
- It's a great house.
92
00:04:09,489 --> 00:04:11,104
I mean, I thought I was going
to be embarrassed, you know,
93
00:04:11,106 --> 00:04:13,685
moving into a tiny house,
but that house is just...
94
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:17,551
Almost feels like a choice. How
long do you think to sell our house?
95
00:04:17,553 --> 00:04:20,194
I don't know, but even if we get
the asking price it's going to be
96
00:04:20,195 --> 00:04:22,576
tight if we want to get
somewhere in this area.
97
00:04:22,578 --> 00:04:24,259
Yeah, well, maybe it's
not just selling the house,
98
00:04:24,261 --> 00:04:27,309
maybe we need to start thinking
about paring back our lives.
99
00:04:27,311 --> 00:04:30,720
I mean, I'll be happy to downsize.
I'm a pretty simple person.
100
00:04:30,722 --> 00:04:32,133
Why are you doing that with your face?
101
00:04:32,135 --> 00:04:36,161
Sorry, just my eyes rolled back so fast
they actually pulled my skull backwards.
102
00:04:36,163 --> 00:04:38,334
- You're not a simple person.
- I am.
103
00:04:38,336 --> 00:04:40,258
I'm Irish, we're simple people.
104
00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:42,674
An Irish milkmaid is a simple person.
105
00:04:42,675 --> 00:04:45,178
You're a cosmopolitan clothes fiend who
106
00:04:45,180 --> 00:04:48,046
consciously left Ireland
to come here and shop.
107
00:04:50,066 --> 00:04:51,445
Do you really think I'm cosmopolitan?
108
00:04:51,447 --> 00:04:53,249
(THEY LAUGH)
109
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:58,298
Well, how about, as a sort of interim
kind of a cash flow sort of a thing,
110
00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:00,451
and, I mean, this might sound crazy,
111
00:05:00,453 --> 00:05:03,753
but I'll remind you, it was your idea.
112
00:05:03,755 --> 00:05:09,962
What if, per your idea, I did
become a Big and Tall model?
113
00:05:09,964 --> 00:05:13,514
I mean, it was crazy then, but now
I weigh at least 20 pounds more, so I
114
00:05:13,515 --> 00:05:17,682
really am big and tall, so maybe
it's not as crazy as I thought.
115
00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:18,600
(SHARON LAUGHS)
116
00:05:18,602 --> 00:05:23,091
- What? It was your idea!
- Yeah! I'm not sure I was being serious.
117
00:05:23,093 --> 00:05:25,142
I think I was probably flirting with you.
118
00:05:25,144 --> 00:05:27,044
You said nice things
to me when we first met.
119
00:05:27,046 --> 00:05:28,350
I meant those nice things.
120
00:05:28,352 --> 00:05:30,227
Yeah, well, they were tailored
to get into my knickers.
121
00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:32,723
I didn't have to say anything
special to get into your knickers.
122
00:05:32,725 --> 00:05:35,073
I just had to say, "Hello,"
or, "Remove your knickers."
123
00:05:35,075 --> 00:05:36,144
(SHARON LAUGHS)
124
00:05:36,146 --> 00:05:38,881
Well, look, yeah. Give it a go.
125
00:05:38,883 --> 00:05:40,834
I mean, you're big and tall.
126
00:05:40,836 --> 00:05:42,238
They'd be lucky to have you.
127
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,798
Just make sure you tell
them you won't model fur.
128
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,624
What about leather?
129
00:05:46,626 --> 00:05:48,132
All you're going to get is leather work.
130
00:05:48,134 --> 00:05:50,180
(THEY LAUGH)
131
00:05:50,182 --> 00:05:52,294
You could cancel your gym membership.
132
00:05:52,296 --> 00:05:55,209
Not if I'm going to be a model.
133
00:05:55,211 --> 00:06:00,397
(GRUNTING)
134
00:06:00,399 --> 00:06:03,565
(GRUNTING)
135
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:06,871
Come on, you pussy.
136
00:06:06,873 --> 00:06:08,908
Motherfucker.
137
00:06:10,595 --> 00:06:13,044
I need to stop.
138
00:06:13,046 --> 00:06:15,233
I don't want to get too ripped on day one.
139
00:06:15,235 --> 00:06:18,821
Too late, baby.
140
00:06:18,823 --> 00:06:19,839
I haven't seen you here for a while.
141
00:06:19,841 --> 00:06:23,773
Uh, yeah, I used my membership
so little last year that it
142
00:06:23,775 --> 00:06:26,180
worked out to about 70 quid a visit.
143
00:06:26,182 --> 00:06:27,872
I can't afford that.
144
00:06:30,437 --> 00:06:31,747
Sell your house yet?
145
00:06:31,749 --> 00:06:34,322
Not yet, but we just hired a
guy who wears a lot of really
146
00:06:34,324 --> 00:06:38,324
beautiful jewellery to sell it,
so it should fly off the shelf now.
147
00:06:39,598 --> 00:06:41,394
Fran came to see me last night.
148
00:06:41,396 --> 00:06:44,312
Looks like we've reached
a settlement, detente.
149
00:06:44,314 --> 00:06:46,671
- She wants an amicable divorce.
- That's nice.
150
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:50,673
Ah, when your life falls apart
it's nice to keep things nice.
151
00:06:50,675 --> 00:06:53,998
I'm going to give her half of everything.
152
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,433
Including Geoffrey.
153
00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,912
What's happening with you and Sharon?
154
00:07:01,914 --> 00:07:04,520
You all squared with her
snake handling, so to speak?
155
00:07:04,522 --> 00:07:07,012
Yeah. We're OK. It's getting better.
156
00:07:07,014 --> 00:07:08,750
And honestly, at this
point in our marriage,
157
00:07:08,752 --> 00:07:10,791
if she makes a mistake,
it just gives me leverage
158
00:07:10,793 --> 00:07:14,925
for whatever monstrous thing
I'll definitely do next month.
159
00:07:14,927 --> 00:07:18,745
Marriage is like a game of chess.
160
00:07:18,747 --> 00:07:21,720
But the board is made of water
and the pieces are made of smoke.
161
00:07:21,722 --> 00:07:23,540
- Who said that?
- I said it.
162
00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:25,049
No, you didn't.
163
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:31,776
- Jerry Seinfeld said that.
- He said it too, but who said it first?
164
00:07:31,778 --> 00:07:33,987
- He did.
- Yeah, but who just said it?
165
00:07:36,519 --> 00:07:37,685
Spot me.
166
00:07:45,074 --> 00:07:46,763
You have a lovely home.
167
00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:47,554
(WALLACE LAUGHS)
168
00:07:47,555 --> 00:07:49,051
Well, thank you.
169
00:07:49,053 --> 00:07:52,030
I don't think I've ever
had the pleasure of two such
170
00:07:52,032 --> 00:07:55,108
beautiful ladies on one social call.
171
00:07:55,110 --> 00:07:56,270
So healthy.
172
00:07:56,272 --> 00:07:59,356
Aw, I like you! Do you come with the house?
173
00:07:59,358 --> 00:08:00,232
No, no.
174
00:08:00,234 --> 00:08:03,261
I, I, I hope when I sell
this place to move into
175
00:08:03,263 --> 00:08:05,306
a small apartment in town.
176
00:08:05,308 --> 00:08:08,351
I'd like to be a little,
um, closer to the action.
177
00:08:08,353 --> 00:08:10,009
- Aw!
- And they'll find me sooner
178
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:12,322
if I die at home by myself.
179
00:08:12,324 --> 00:08:15,395
Oh, don't say that. I'm sure
someone would find you here.
180
00:08:15,397 --> 00:08:17,792
Oh, you're too kind.
181
00:08:17,794 --> 00:08:21,232
- So, I'll wait to hear from you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
182
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,677
I'll just, em...
183
00:08:22,679 --> 00:08:25,965
Yeah, we'll just sort it then. Yeah.
184
00:08:25,967 --> 00:08:27,781
Ah-ha.
185
00:08:27,783 --> 00:08:30,020
Often think it might be
nice to be with an older guy.
186
00:08:30,022 --> 00:08:31,151
They just know more.
187
00:08:31,153 --> 00:08:33,370
Really? They don't seem
like they know more.
188
00:08:33,372 --> 00:08:34,841
Actually they're a lot
closer to knowing less.
189
00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:37,033
Oh, I don't know, experience counts.
190
00:08:37,035 --> 00:08:38,584
They'd know their way
around a woman's body.
191
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:42,265
Stop saying stuff like that
and looking over at Wallace!
192
00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:43,833
What do you think of it?
193
00:08:43,835 --> 00:08:47,430
Well, if you have to move it
seems like as good a place as any.
194
00:08:47,432 --> 00:08:50,646
Could Rob just not save you both all
this grief and go back to his job?
195
00:08:50,648 --> 00:08:52,746
It seems like he's being a
wee bit of a selfish shit.
196
00:08:52,748 --> 00:08:54,433
Yet, but he hated it there.
197
00:08:54,435 --> 00:08:55,825
I mean, he really hated it.
198
00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:58,288
And I don't currently occupy the
moral high ground because of the...
199
00:08:58,290 --> 00:08:59,433
Mmm. No.
200
00:08:59,435 --> 00:09:01,731
So... There's a fireplace
in all the bedrooms.
201
00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:04,015
Oh, Game of Thrones!
202
00:09:04,017 --> 00:09:06,426
You could make love in
front of every one of them.
203
00:09:06,428 --> 00:09:07,920
Hey, thanks for doing this.
204
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,646
Nothing else to do.
205
00:09:09,648 --> 00:09:13,710
- I kicked Patrick out last week.
- Oh, I'm sorry. He was awful.
206
00:09:13,712 --> 00:09:16,232
I'm getting straight back on the horse,
though, going right back out there.
207
00:09:16,234 --> 00:09:17,114
Good for you.
208
00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:19,157
Just going to have a
little nip and tuck first.
209
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,685
- Really? Why?
- It's tough out there.
210
00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:23,784
And you catch a lot more
flies with honey than shit.
211
00:09:23,786 --> 00:09:26,359
I mean, I'm not saying that this is shit,
212
00:09:26,361 --> 00:09:28,717
- but I'd like a little more honey.
- Is that true?
213
00:09:28,719 --> 00:09:30,397
Catch more flies with honey than shit?
214
00:09:30,399 --> 00:09:33,713
Isn't shit like their favourite thing?
215
00:09:33,715 --> 00:09:35,069
What's he doing?
216
00:09:36,419 --> 00:09:37,498
Oh.
217
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,038
Hi.
218
00:09:44,486 --> 00:09:45,628
(SHARON LAUGHS)
219
00:09:46,037 --> 00:09:50,105
You've got your two original
fireplaces, original wood flooring.
220
00:09:50,107 --> 00:09:52,022
- It's parquet?
- Yeah, that's parquet, that.
221
00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:53,532
You add that to your great schools and your
222
00:09:53,534 --> 00:09:55,353
transport links, you can't really go wrong.
223
00:09:55,355 --> 00:09:56,806
Well, I'm going to have
a look upstairs now, yeah?
224
00:09:56,808 --> 00:09:57,622
Help yourself.
225
00:09:57,624 --> 00:10:00,378
- Great house.
- Aw, thank you. Enjoy the bedrooms.
226
00:10:00,380 --> 00:10:03,154
If there's any dirty knickers on the
floor, just kick them under the bed.
227
00:10:03,156 --> 00:10:05,283
I mean, there won't be,
we knew you were coming.
228
00:10:09,035 --> 00:10:10,814
- Do you think they like it?
- I don't know.
229
00:10:10,816 --> 00:10:12,000
- Do you think they'll put an offer in?
- Uh...
230
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:13,385
Yeah, I know, you don't know.
231
00:10:13,387 --> 00:10:15,379
Fuck. It's nerve-racking.
232
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,339
I went to see Wallace's
place again with Fran.
233
00:10:17,341 --> 00:10:19,994
He asked if we were full steam
ahead. I didn't know what to tell him.
234
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,756
The truth? That we're not?
235
00:10:21,758 --> 00:10:23,714
I mean, we don't even have
an offer on this place yet.
236
00:10:23,715 --> 00:10:25,625
Yeah, but he's put an offer
in on his bachelor pad.
237
00:10:25,627 --> 00:10:28,008
- Well, tell him not to do that.
- Why?
238
00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:29,057
Look, if we get Wallace's place, it's going
239
00:10:29,059 --> 00:10:30,326
to take the money pressure off, right?
240
00:10:30,328 --> 00:10:32,277
Yeah, but we don't even
have a mortgage yet.
241
00:10:32,279 --> 00:10:33,352
Yeah, but we will.
242
00:10:33,354 --> 00:10:36,329
We're asking for half the mortgage
we've got now. Let's just do it.
243
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:39,413
Let's go for it. We're going to
sell this place. I mean, look at it.
244
00:10:39,415 --> 00:10:42,845
Look at our cushions. I'd buy
it. If I didn't already own it.
245
00:10:42,847 --> 00:10:43,905
Or could afford it.
246
00:10:43,907 --> 00:10:45,814
It's nuts we've had no offers yet.
247
00:10:45,815 --> 00:10:48,628
We should put it on with another
estate agent. He's an idiot.
248
00:10:48,630 --> 00:10:51,586
What does he do up there,
take a nap with them?
249
00:10:51,588 --> 00:10:54,428
Or, like, put on a magic show?
250
00:10:54,430 --> 00:10:55,181
(THEY LAUGH)
251
00:10:55,183 --> 00:10:56,924
That's probably what he does.
252
00:10:56,926 --> 00:11:00,293
We should call him David Blaine
between us, like, to each other.
253
00:11:00,295 --> 00:11:01,420
David Blaine it is.
254
00:11:01,422 --> 00:11:02,763
(SHARON LAUGHS)
255
00:11:05,378 --> 00:11:07,196
Fran told me she's getting some work done.
256
00:11:07,198 --> 00:11:09,328
- On her house?
- No, on her face.
257
00:11:09,330 --> 00:11:12,169
- Christ. Why's she doing that?
- I don't know.
258
00:11:12,170 --> 00:11:16,694
Because she's in her mid-40s and
single and it's grim up there.
259
00:11:16,696 --> 00:11:21,252
So, she wants to look more like an angry,
surprised alien when she meets new guys?
260
00:11:21,254 --> 00:11:22,906
(THEY LAUGH)
261
00:11:22,908 --> 00:11:25,620
- Don't you do anything to your face.
- OK.
262
00:11:25,622 --> 00:11:27,638
I'm serious, never, ever touch your face.
263
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,941
Well, you know, I don't plan
to, but if, down the road,
264
00:11:31,943 --> 00:11:34,421
there was a procedure that didn't
hurt and it was guaranteed...
265
00:11:34,423 --> 00:11:36,625
No, look, listen...
266
00:11:36,627 --> 00:11:38,300
- I want to fuck you...
- Do you?
267
00:11:38,302 --> 00:11:39,077
Yeah.
268
00:11:39,079 --> 00:11:41,716
...because you're like, "This is it.
269
00:11:41,718 --> 00:11:42,831
"Take it or leave it."
270
00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:44,239
It's like bald guys..
271
00:11:44,241 --> 00:11:46,947
Women and gay guys don't give
a shit if a guy is bald if
272
00:11:46,949 --> 00:11:51,287
he's like, "I'm a man, I'm
fucking bald and that's how it is."
273
00:11:51,289 --> 00:11:54,054
Then you're like "Give me
that dick, you bald asshole."
274
00:11:54,055 --> 00:11:55,548
(SHARON LAUGHS)
275
00:11:55,550 --> 00:11:57,194
Yeah, that's true.
276
00:11:57,196 --> 00:11:59,510
- Don't you go bald though.
- OK.
277
00:12:02,695 --> 00:12:05,491
So, there's nothing about me you'd change?
278
00:12:05,493 --> 00:12:06,945
- What?
- No, I mean, surgically,
279
00:12:06,947 --> 00:12:10,119
there's nothing about me you'd
surgically change if you could?
280
00:12:10,121 --> 00:12:11,748
No!
281
00:12:11,750 --> 00:12:13,377
Not even my saggy tits?
282
00:12:13,379 --> 00:12:15,975
- They're not saggy.
- Yeah, they are.
283
00:12:15,977 --> 00:12:18,022
I was bending over getting
out of the bath the other day,
284
00:12:18,024 --> 00:12:21,645
and Frankie pointed at
them and said, "Tubes."
285
00:12:21,647 --> 00:12:22,749
Fuck Frankie.
286
00:12:22,751 --> 00:12:24,791
Look, are they less
like the breasts I would
287
00:12:24,793 --> 00:12:27,032
have drawn on my notebook in high school?
288
00:12:27,034 --> 00:12:30,014
Maybe. But are they attached to you?
289
00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:33,694
Are they still a couple of
feet above an amazing pussy?
290
00:12:33,695 --> 00:12:35,374
(THEY LAUGH)
291
00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:37,971
That's the nicest thing
you've said to me in weeks.
292
00:12:39,027 --> 00:12:41,253
(PHONE VIBRATES)
293
00:12:41,255 --> 00:12:43,515
(SHARON MOANS)
294
00:12:43,517 --> 00:12:45,094
It's Wallace.
295
00:12:45,095 --> 00:12:46,457
It's ten past 11.
296
00:12:46,459 --> 00:12:50,192
Yeah. He's old, so he
doesn't know how to text.
297
00:12:50,194 --> 00:12:52,995
I think he's just lonely. And he likes me.
298
00:12:52,997 --> 00:12:54,841
He's like the grandpa I never had.
299
00:12:54,843 --> 00:12:58,980
I mean, I had grandpas, but they
were more, you know, drunker.
300
00:12:58,982 --> 00:13:00,907
You're not going to answer it?
301
00:13:00,909 --> 00:13:03,533
No, it's fucking ten past 11.
302
00:13:06,099 --> 00:13:10,099
(RHYTHMIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
303
00:13:23,202 --> 00:13:24,436
(ROB FARTS)
304
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:47,840
Hi.
305
00:13:50,274 --> 00:13:51,453
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
306
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,720
Yeah, I'm just going to
grab a couple for my kids.
307
00:13:53,722 --> 00:13:54,818
Yeah, sure.
308
00:13:57,615 --> 00:13:59,094
(CARD READER BEEPS)
309
00:13:59,095 --> 00:14:01,168
Um, my pass thing isn't...
310
00:14:01,170 --> 00:14:03,894
Let's have a look. May I see it?
311
00:14:03,895 --> 00:14:05,054
Um...
312
00:14:05,055 --> 00:14:06,207
(BEEP)
313
00:14:06,209 --> 00:14:08,753
Oh, it says we charged your
card for your membership
314
00:14:08,755 --> 00:14:10,813
for the last quarter
and it didn't go through.
315
00:14:10,815 --> 00:14:12,404
Well, that's weird. Um...
316
00:14:12,406 --> 00:14:14,913
You know, my other card is in my car.
317
00:14:14,915 --> 00:14:17,654
- Mind if I hop out and grab that?
- Sure.
318
00:14:34,599 --> 00:14:36,523
I thought about the vaginal rejuvenation,
319
00:14:36,525 --> 00:14:38,561
but I've been pretty good with my kegels.
320
00:14:38,563 --> 00:14:41,386
And I've only had one child, a son.
321
00:14:41,388 --> 00:14:43,664
The actor Geoffrey Beasley.
322
00:14:45,941 --> 00:14:48,140
So, I'm doing pretty
good in that department.
323
00:14:48,142 --> 00:14:51,112
We don't do vaginal
rejuvenation here anyway.
324
00:14:51,114 --> 00:14:52,657
Oh, good.
325
00:14:53,295 --> 00:14:55,103
So, um...
326
00:14:57,379 --> 00:15:00,614
What were you thinking of?
327
00:15:00,615 --> 00:15:04,454
- Well, I was thinking of my chin.
- There's nothing wrong with your chin.
328
00:15:04,455 --> 00:15:09,412
Or not my chin, my jowls, get
these bits lifted up, up and away.
329
00:15:09,414 --> 00:15:10,959
I try and keep my hair short to try
330
00:15:10,961 --> 00:15:12,928
- and not draw attention.
- Why would you do that?
331
00:15:13,975 --> 00:15:17,975
I don't know where you got the insane
idea that you'd need to do this.
332
00:15:18,194 --> 00:15:22,194
Television. Magazines. Ads on the Tube.
333
00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:28,419
Maybe just inject a wee
bit of Botox, like...?
334
00:15:28,674 --> 00:15:31,801
Yes. I could.
335
00:15:31,803 --> 00:15:35,957
Maybe after I'll nip to the
Louvre, paint a little petunia...
336
00:15:36,329 --> 00:15:38,606
- in the Mona Lisa's hair.
- Sorry?
337
00:15:38,608 --> 00:15:40,459
I wouldn't do that. You know why?
338
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:43,734
She's a masterpiece, doesn't need it.
339
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:46,421
Neither do you.
340
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,720
Oh!
341
00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:55,046
Erm...
342
00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:56,865
Back in a minute.
343
00:15:58,536 --> 00:15:59,606
Excuse me.
344
00:15:59,608 --> 00:16:01,127
Oh, sorry.
345
00:16:01,604 --> 00:16:04,164
Uh... I wanted to, um...
346
00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:05,525
Look...
347
00:16:05,730 --> 00:16:07,889
Maybe you've just got a very
good bedside manner and I have
348
00:16:07,891 --> 00:16:12,216
misinterpreted this, but since
my husband left me, my motto is,
349
00:16:12,218 --> 00:16:15,654
well, I don't have a motto,
I'm not a netball club!
350
00:16:15,655 --> 00:16:20,576
But, it's nothing ventured,
nothing gained. So...
351
00:16:23,985 --> 00:16:25,291
Sorry.
352
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:30,899
I have a little shadow that
goes in and out with me.
353
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:33,841
And what can be the use of him?
There's more than I can see.
354
00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:35,070
He's very, very like me
355
00:16:35,072 --> 00:16:36,424
- from the heels up to the head.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
356
00:16:36,426 --> 00:16:39,466
And I see him drop before
me when I jump into my bed.
357
00:16:39,468 --> 00:16:41,767
The funniest thing about
him is the way he likes to...
358
00:16:41,769 --> 00:16:44,480
I can't talk unless it's an
emergency. Is it an emergency?
359
00:16:44,523 --> 00:16:47,207
- No, I'm just...
- It's an emergency, sorry.
360
00:16:47,302 --> 00:16:48,890
I have an emergency.
361
00:16:52,176 --> 00:16:53,464
Hey. What did they say?
362
00:16:53,465 --> 00:16:56,186
- I'm just heading into the bank now.
- Oh. OK.
363
00:16:56,188 --> 00:16:57,291
Well, it'll be fine.
364
00:16:57,293 --> 00:16:59,250
Just thank them for the huge
mortgage we have and tell
365
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:02,133
them we want to trade it in for
a smaller one. It's so simple.
366
00:17:02,135 --> 00:17:02,831
- Yep.
- I mean, it's not like
367
00:17:02,833 --> 00:17:03,860
we're trying to fleece anybody,
368
00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:05,294
we're just trying to be responsible adults.
369
00:17:05,296 --> 00:17:05,998
Yeah.
370
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,099
- They're treating us like criminals.
- I haven't even gone in yet.
371
00:17:08,101 --> 00:17:11,874
OK, sorry. Erm, well,
look, good luck. Call me.
372
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:17,100
(APPLAUSE)
373
00:17:21,435 --> 00:17:23,223
(HE SIGHS)
374
00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:25,495
Hey! I'm sitting here!
375
00:17:27,070 --> 00:17:28,792
Fucking jerk.
376
00:17:36,422 --> 00:17:39,327
Hey. Hi, Dan. It's Rob. I just...
377
00:17:39,329 --> 00:17:41,279
Hey, Rob, yeah, I was
just about to call you.
378
00:17:41,281 --> 00:17:41,951
Well, great.
379
00:17:41,953 --> 00:17:44,703
- Yeah, it didn't go your way with Glencoe.
- Right.
380
00:17:44,705 --> 00:17:47,738
Yeah, apparently they had mostly
hired this other guy before
381
00:17:47,740 --> 00:17:50,696
they saw you, but then they still
really wanted to see you, but then
382
00:17:50,698 --> 00:17:54,505
meeting you didn't make them change
their mind about the other guy.
383
00:17:54,989 --> 00:17:55,879
Does that make sense?
384
00:17:55,922 --> 00:17:58,012
Does that make sense? No.
385
00:17:58,014 --> 00:18:00,041
They knew they had the
guy that they wanted,
386
00:18:00,043 --> 00:18:01,744
but they still strung me along for a week?
387
00:18:01,746 --> 00:18:05,746
No, no, that doesn't make
sense, in answer to your query.
388
00:18:16,867 --> 00:18:20,867
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
389
00:18:24,130 --> 00:18:26,203
- Hey.
- Hey, Dave, are you busy?
390
00:18:26,296 --> 00:18:27,796
Not really. What's up?
391
00:18:27,865 --> 00:18:32,352
Well, I was wondering if you knew
of any people that might be able
392
00:18:32,354 --> 00:18:36,402
to help me with a mortgage
that operate outside of
393
00:18:36,404 --> 00:18:39,371
the traditional banking realm.
394
00:18:39,373 --> 00:18:42,074
- Yeah, I definitely do.
- Well, great.
395
00:18:42,076 --> 00:18:44,993
Yeah, but I think what sets
them apart from a bank is
396
00:18:44,995 --> 00:18:47,591
their interest rates
aren't super competitive.
397
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:50,612
And if you're late for a
payment, they will kill you.
398
00:18:50,614 --> 00:18:52,311
And there'd be no funeral and no wake,
399
00:18:52,313 --> 00:18:54,202
because your body wouldn't be found.
400
00:18:54,204 --> 00:18:58,339
I mean, you could have a memorial
service, but there'd be no body.
401
00:18:58,341 --> 00:18:59,878
Does that make sense?
402
00:19:01,903 --> 00:19:04,546
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- I didn't get that job.
403
00:19:04,548 --> 00:19:06,387
Oh, fuck.
404
00:19:06,982 --> 00:19:09,509
Oh, shit. How'd it go with...?
405
00:19:09,511 --> 00:19:11,150
And they're not going
to give us a mortgage.
406
00:19:11,152 --> 00:19:11,772
What?
407
00:19:11,774 --> 00:19:14,467
He said the biggest mortgage
we could get was for a stereo.
408
00:19:14,469 --> 00:19:15,751
Why would he say that?
409
00:19:15,753 --> 00:19:19,153
He didn't say that, but it turns
out that a schoolteacher and
410
00:19:19,155 --> 00:19:22,954
a househusband don't qualify for a
mortgage of the size that we need.
411
00:19:22,956 --> 00:19:24,002
For people in our position,
412
00:19:24,004 --> 00:19:28,004
a more realistic time to
get a mortgage would be 2007.
413
00:19:28,439 --> 00:19:30,540
We didn't even know each other then.
414
00:19:31,869 --> 00:19:34,108
So, what...?
415
00:19:34,172 --> 00:19:35,611
Why are you wearing no trousers?
416
00:19:35,613 --> 00:19:38,332
Because on top of everything
else, I'm fat now and they hurt,
417
00:19:38,334 --> 00:19:41,039
so when I got home I threw them away.
418
00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:43,546
Oh, Christ.
419
00:19:44,345 --> 00:19:45,986
This is terrible news.
420
00:19:46,145 --> 00:19:47,749
So, what now? I mean, what...?
421
00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:50,534
- Oh, shit, what about Wallace?
- What about Wallace?
422
00:19:50,610 --> 00:19:52,169
No, I know it's not as...
423
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,492
But I just...
424
00:19:53,555 --> 00:19:56,674
I feel awful. His little bachelor pad.
425
00:19:57,017 --> 00:19:59,728
Sorry our shitty lives are now
making somebody else's worse.
426
00:19:59,775 --> 00:20:01,596
- He could die soon.
- We're not a hospice.
427
00:20:01,598 --> 00:20:04,180
- You're going to have to tell him.
- You have to tell him.
428
00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:05,893
We feel terrible about this.
429
00:20:05,922 --> 00:20:07,999
We feel sick, honestly.
430
00:20:08,001 --> 00:20:11,195
It's a terrible situation for everyone.
431
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:15,242
I mean, we're devastated, not just
for us, but for letting you down.
432
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:19,819
You know, when our daughter Muireann
was born, I said to Sharon...
433
00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:22,826
Are you mentally retarded?
434
00:20:22,945 --> 00:20:24,271
No, I'm not.
435
00:20:24,316 --> 00:20:27,209
So, just an idiot and a liar.
436
00:20:27,263 --> 00:20:31,503
You don't have a job, but you
thought you could get a mortgage?
437
00:20:31,544 --> 00:20:34,615
- Well, no, but Sharon...
- No.
438
00:20:35,447 --> 00:20:36,558
No, no.
439
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:39,376
I'm going to sue you. You shook my hand.
440
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,464
You can't sue us for shaking your hand.
441
00:20:41,505 --> 00:20:45,097
I fought at Suez, and that wasn't
half as upsetting as what you
442
00:20:45,099 --> 00:20:46,241
people are putting me through.
443
00:20:46,243 --> 00:20:48,174
- We brought you cupcakes.
- I can't...
444
00:20:48,217 --> 00:20:51,145
You're liars! Stupid liars!
445
00:20:51,147 --> 00:20:54,058
Well, look, we really hope this doesn't
mean you've lost your apartment in town.
446
00:20:54,060 --> 00:20:55,861
Oh, it better fucking not!
447
00:20:55,894 --> 00:20:57,200
Well, we're very sorry.
448
00:20:57,245 --> 00:21:00,788
I'm going to have to sell the home I
raised my children in to a pair of faggots.
449
00:21:00,790 --> 00:21:01,490
Wallace!
450
00:21:01,545 --> 00:21:02,458
- Hey, Wal, look...
- What?
451
00:21:02,498 --> 00:21:04,632
We're very sorry about all of this, OK?
452
00:21:04,679 --> 00:21:07,838
But in actual legal fact,
you have no power over us, OK?
453
00:21:07,894 --> 00:21:10,247
So, this visit, the first half of it,
454
00:21:10,301 --> 00:21:12,180
was just to extend you a courtesy.
455
00:21:12,252 --> 00:21:13,560
We're sorry, OK?
456
00:21:13,617 --> 00:21:16,446
And we hope you don't wind up on the
street. Cos you look pretty frail.
457
00:21:16,527 --> 00:21:20,961
Frail? Oh! I'll kick a
cupcake up your pussy!
458
00:21:21,987 --> 00:21:25,006
- Why are you looking at me?
- Let go. Let's just go.
459
00:21:25,912 --> 00:21:27,307
I, I...
460
00:21:29,940 --> 00:21:31,956
And he definitely doesn't
know where we live?
461
00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:34,870
Not unless he followed us home.
462
00:21:34,901 --> 00:21:37,204
What are we going to do?
463
00:21:37,450 --> 00:21:40,369
Keep the doors locked? I have
a big flashlight under the bed.
464
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,225
I meant about where we live.
465
00:21:42,227 --> 00:21:44,129
I think we're going to
have to rent somewhere.
466
00:21:44,187 --> 00:21:46,321
- And we definitely can't afford to stay here?
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
467
00:21:46,323 --> 00:21:49,641
We can afford it for, like,
another hour and a half.
468
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,239
OK.
469
00:21:52,545 --> 00:21:55,560
I'm sure, I'm not definite, but
I'm pretty sure that I've still got
470
00:21:55,562 --> 00:21:57,361
a Post Office savings account in Ireland.
471
00:21:57,363 --> 00:21:59,362
I don't know how much is in there, but...
472
00:21:59,437 --> 00:22:03,437
Is it more or less than ?800,000?
473
00:22:03,439 --> 00:22:06,727
It's less. Well, then you
can just leave it there then.
474
00:22:19,389 --> 00:22:21,587
- Can I help you?
- Um, yeah.
475
00:22:21,639 --> 00:22:26,978
I was just wondering, um, how to
go about getting on your books.
476
00:22:27,385 --> 00:22:28,926
In what way?
477
00:22:28,962 --> 00:22:29,915
Uh...
478
00:22:29,981 --> 00:22:35,244
Well, I'm six foot four
and I weigh 250 pounds.
479
00:22:35,327 --> 00:22:36,389
And, you know,
480
00:22:36,436 --> 00:22:39,718
it's just something that my wife
thought that I should see if...
481
00:22:39,829 --> 00:22:43,317
She wondered, you know,
if it would be worth...
482
00:22:43,356 --> 00:22:44,555
Would that be possible?
483
00:22:44,557 --> 00:22:47,876
I'm afraid we're not currently looking
to take any new clients on our books.
484
00:22:47,924 --> 00:22:51,154
- Right. Sure.
- But thank you.
485
00:23:03,565 --> 00:23:04,675
Thank you.
486
00:23:04,677 --> 00:23:08,116
Hey, Harita. Long-time,
no, er... (ROB LAUGHS)
487
00:23:08,118 --> 00:23:11,243
Well, I just wanted to call and
check in and see how you're doing.
488
00:23:11,245 --> 00:23:12,966
I hope you had a nice break.
489
00:23:13,012 --> 00:23:16,750
I think I remember you saying you were
going on a whaling trip off of Okinawa?
490
00:23:16,795 --> 00:23:19,096
I hope that was fun.
491
00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:19,991
So, yeah, give me a call.
492
00:23:19,993 --> 00:23:22,926
I wanted to talk about my future,
see if you had any use for this old
493
00:23:22,975 --> 00:23:24,896
bag of bones around the old shop,
494
00:23:24,916 --> 00:23:26,729
so, yeah, anyway, give me a call.
495
00:23:26,785 --> 00:23:27,817
I miss you guys.
496
00:23:27,876 --> 00:23:32,876
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
497
00:23:32,926 --> 00:23:37,476
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