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1
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Sorry.
2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,550
LOUD MUSIC
Sorry.
3
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,150
IRISH ACCENT: Sorry.
4
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:09,200
~ Sorry.
~ AMERICAN ACCENT: That's OK.
5
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:12,230
I know it seems crowded
but it only took me 40 minutes
6
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,630
to get my last drink.
7
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Is that all?
8
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:16,710
Hey, let me get yours.
9
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:20,150
It'll make me feel better
about being in line for just a Coke.
10
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,470
You don't drink?
11
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,350
No. I quit a few years ago,
12
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after I shit my pants
at my sister's wedding.
13
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,670
SHE LAUGHS
14
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,430
OK, thank you.
15
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,430
~ No, no, I'll get it. ~ No, it's fine.
16
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:35,480
Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.
17
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:39,720
OK. I'll have a margarita.
18
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,680
I've never had casual sex
with a sober person before.
19
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,750
~ You've got a really nice room.
~ Thank you. I got an upgrade.
20
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,510
Yeah? Oh, shit.
21
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,110
Oh, God!
22
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:57,830
That was really unnecessary.
23
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,630
~ You don't have a hairy back.
~ Neither do you.
24
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,630
I was all psyched up
to deal with a hairy back.
25
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:03,790
I have hairy balls.
26
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,030
Whoa!
27
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,790
Oh, what the fuck?
28
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,190
~ Shit. ~ Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.
29
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:13,240
Uh...
30
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:17,600
That was exciting.
31
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,030
~ Hi. ~ Hey!
32
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,550
I was just sneaking out.
33
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,510
OK.
34
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:29,790
So when do you go back?
35
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,750
~ Thursday. ~ Well, that's...
36
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,790
Do you want to have dinner?
37
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,710
Erm...
38
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,510
Do YOU want to have dinner?
39
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,510
Yeah... that's why I asked.
40
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,830
OK. Do you have a wife or anything?
41
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,430
No.
42
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,480
OK, well, I'll write down my number.
43
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,590
Oh, you know what,
that's my work visa, so if you...
44
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,790
~ Doesn't matter.
~ (OK.)
45
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,590
Great.
46
00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,150
I noticed that you took some things
from the bathroom, and that's fine,
47
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,070
but could you leave the toothpaste?
48
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,750
Erm, no, I didn't take any tooth...
49
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,990
Oh, shit, I did, yeah. Sorry!
50
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,190
It's just small and cute.
51
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:13,240
Erm, so, you should probably open a
window, cos it really stinks in here.
52
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,880
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
53
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,960
Keep the change.
54
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,030
That dinner was really nice.
55
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:37,080
The lamb was exceptional.
56
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,550
So, what time is your flight?
57
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:03,630
7:30.
58
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,470
~ 7:30. ~ Yeah.
59
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,350
So listen, I wanted to say that
60
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,990
I know this wasn't anything serious
and it was just a bit of fun...
61
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,630
This wasn't serious?
62
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,630
N-no, when I say it wasn't serious,
I mean...
63
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,590
Goofing you, bro!
64
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,310
~ Yeah...
~ SHE LAUGHS
65
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,070
Go on, carry on, you were saying
this was just a bit of fun...?
66
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,350
I want you to know that
I'm going to look back on my time
67
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,470
with you and remember you as
68
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,390
an extraordinarily
good-smelling woman
69
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,790
with a magical ass.
70
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,590
And you're smart,
so you could even get away
71
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:40,110
with being less attractive,
and you'd still be...
72
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:41,630
.. fairly attractive.
73
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,270
SHE LAUGHS
74
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,910
Fuck!
75
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,830
Wow. OK. Erm...
76
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:50,230
I'll remember you
as a sturdy love-maker
77
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,990
with a massive chin,
78
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,950
who was... really kind to waiters
and taxi drivers,
79
00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:00,000
which suggests you might
actually be a good person.
80
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:03,670
What time is it?
81
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:04,870
It's 4:30.
82
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:06,230
THEY PANT
83
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,270
Seriously, you're going
to have to go faster.
84
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:12,320
HE GRUNTS
85
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,270
LAUGHTER
86
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,910
So, I thought it was fine if
I asked you out cos you're a temp.
87
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:22,190
If you worked with us permanently,
this wouldn't be appropriate.
88
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,240
But you're a temp,
so we just won't hire you again.
89
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,430
You're funny.
90
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,630
So, tell me something about you.
91
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,910
Well, I'm doing my Masters
at Boston University and...
92
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,070
HIS PHONE RINGS
93
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,030
I'm sorry. It's my mom.
94
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,990
She's calling me back
cos... I called her
95
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,750
cos it's her birthday.
96
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,710
Hey, so great to hear from you!
97
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,070
I'm sorry I haven't called,
but I have some good news,
98
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:50,830
I'm going to be in London in April.
99
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,270
But I'm pregnant.
100
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,350
~ Did you just say "pregnant"?
~ Yeah, I said "pregnant".
101
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,070
Do you want me to say it again?
"Pregnant".
102
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,590
How...? I don't understand,
I mean, how...?
103
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:05,310
Well, I think it's because, you know,
we had sex about 25 times in a week
104
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,590
and you wore a condom
maybe twice... twice of those times?
105
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,230
~ Why did you let me do that?!
~ I don't know! Because...
106
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:12,630
AMBIENT RESTAURANT MUSIC
107
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:13,910
.. I was drunk the first...
108
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,110
AMBIENT RESTAURANT MUSIC
109
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,390
.. even though I wasn't drunk
most of the other times,
110
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:21,630
there was a precedent there
that you took complete advantage of!
111
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,430
What do you want to do?
112
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,230
I want to build a time machine
out of your fucking carcass,
113
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:30,280
go back and make it un-happen!
114
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,470
Do you want me to come over sooner?
115
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:34,710
No!
116
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,910
Yeah. I don't know. I just...
117
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,270
I don't know what to do you get
pregnant by a stranger.
118
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,550
I don't know the etiquette.
119
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:44,510
I'm not a stranger -
I'm a familiar acquaintance.
120
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,070
A friend who helped you
make a mistake
121
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,990
but will now help you...
122
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:54,040
.. figure it out. OK?
123
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,590
Is your mom OK?
124
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,230
Huh?
125
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:02,230
Oh... no.
126
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:06,280
She's pregnant.
127
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,600
So, why don't you tell me
a little bit about you now?
128
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,030
Hmm...
129
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,430
Oh, shit.
130
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,470
Hi.
131
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,520
I wasn't sure you'd recognise me.
132
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,310
And it only says "Rob" because,
erm...
133
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,950
I don't know your surname.
134
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,390
It's Norris.
135
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,710
It's... it's Norris?
136
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,630
Mine's Morris.
137
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,630
Morris and Norris.
138
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,680
Well, at least that's
fucking ridiculous.
139
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,950
You just don't think
stuff like this'll happen.
140
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,270
What,
that repeated sexual intercourse
141
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,710
between two healthy adults
142
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,990
will do the exact thing
it's supposed to do?
143
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,990
Have you ever done a science class?
144
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,310
Do you know how to read?
145
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,070
I'm sorry.
146
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,830
I'm not pregnant, and you are,
and it's because of me
147
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,110
but if you're going to have
this baby, then...
148
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,710
Who says I'm going to have it?
149
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,670
Well, how old are you?
150
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:14,720
Look, the good news is
that we're reasonably good people,
151
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,950
so we could probably do this
152
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,310
and not fuck the kid up
too horribly.
153
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:23,360
I'm just saying
a terrible thing has happened.
154
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:28,280
Let's make the best of it.
155
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,870
So where you staying?
156
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,630
I'm joking.
You can stay in my spare room.
157
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,310
I'm joking, I'm a teacher!
158
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,030
I don't have a spare room.
159
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,070
~ Do you want some? ~ Sure.
160
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,120
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
161
00:07:47,670 --> 00:07:48,670
Hello.
162
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,750
Do you know if Miss Morris
is finished with her classes?
163
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:52,910
Is she under arrest?
164
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,390
~ No, I'm just waiting...
~ Are you American?
165
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,670
Yes, I am.
166
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,190
Do you know Barack Obama?
167
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,910
~ No, I don't.
~ Do you know his daughters?
168
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,630
I know Sasha but I don't know Malia.
169
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,110
How do you know them
if you don't know Barack Obama?
170
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,310
I don't know them.
171
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,790
Are you a basketball player?
172
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:10,510
No.
173
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,630
Why are you waving at Miss Morris?
174
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,150
Because she's my girlfriend.
175
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,230
Is her hair a wig?
176
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,710
I don't... I don't think so.
177
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,430
~ Do you know she's pregnant? ~ What?!
178
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,790
What did you just say?
179
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,230
She's pregnant?
180
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,870
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
181
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:26,670
Are you a basketball player?
182
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,110
Mm-hmm.
183
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,310
Excuse me.
184
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,110
~ Just... do that in the car. ~ OK.
185
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,870
So, you got yourself some fans here.
186
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,310
We're not his fans.
187
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,150
I thought he was someone special.
188
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,990
I am special!
189
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:47,270
So is this just a regular scan?
190
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,430
Yeah.
191
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,550
Well, I can find out the sex
this time if I want.
192
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,710
Well, do we want to?
193
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,270
I mean, wouldn't it be nice
to have a surprise?
194
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,270
Well, Rob...
195
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,510
It is Rob, isn't it?
196
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,150
Cos I only met you
about 20 minutes ago
197
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,790
and now I'm pregnant with your baby
198
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,030
so for the moment, I'd like
a whisper of certainty in my life.
199
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,950
Not even in my life - in my body.
200
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,270
Right, now,
in reviewing your Pap smear,
201
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,910
we found an abnormality.
202
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,270
It's nothing to worry
too much about yet
203
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,990
but you've got what's called
cervical dysplasia.
204
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,510
What the hell is that?
205
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,630
Strictly speaking,
it is what we call a "pre-cancer."
206
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,390
~ Cancer?! ~ PRE-cancer.
207
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,030
Frankly, I hate that it has the word
cancer attached to it
208
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,110
because it isn't cancer
but it's sort of
209
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,990
next door to cancer.
210
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,990
What is she saying?
211
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,030
That you do not have cancer.
212
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,910
But she's said cancer,
like, eight times.
213
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,470
Doctor, you have said cancer
rather a lot.
214
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,230
Like, more than you'd hear
in a casual conversation
215
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:50,870
that isn't about cancer.
216
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,190
Yes, and I'm sorry.
217
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:56,240
But, while again, you do not have
cancer, you do have a situation
218
00:09:56,320 --> 00:10:00,320
that we have to monitor closely
so that it doesn't become cancer.
219
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,950
That's two more times she's said it.
Two more cancers.
220
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,670
All it means is you'll come here
a little more frequently than
221
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,510
you would have otherwise, so we can
take a look-see at your cervix
222
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,560
and make sure it remains in the
cancer-free state it's currently in.
223
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,150
Do you have pamphlets?
224
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,270
Yes, we have pamphlets.
225
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,310
I'm going to get us some pamphlets.
226
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,590
Right, well, let's shift gears
a little bit, shall we?
227
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:24,950
And take a look at the baby.
228
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,390
OK...
229
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,070
No, we go in through
the tummy for this one.
230
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:33,120
OK.
231
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:34,670
Here we are.
232
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,350
The heartbeat! Beautiful.
233
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,430
Nice and strong.
234
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,590
Here's the spine. Exquisite.
235
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,070
Oh, and there's something!
Do you recognise that, Mummy?
236
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,190
~ Is that the cancer? ~ Very funny, no.
237
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,110
~ That's a little penis! ~ Oh, God.
238
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:52,160
Congratulations,
you're going to have a baby boy!
239
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:56,230
She said that it's statistically
unlikely to become full cancer.
240
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,150
So just... half-cancer then?
241
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,270
Just a gentle little half-cancer,
like you get?
242
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,590
Do you think it's because I'm old?
243
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,350
~ It's because I'm old, isn't it?
~ No, it isn't, you're not old.
244
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,950
Oh, God, I want to smoke a cigarette.
245
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,270
Will you get one and just smoke it
and blow it on me?
246
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,510
~ Well, just have a cigarette
if you want one. ~ Yeah?
247
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,070
But put your wine down.
248
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,110
May I have a cigarette?
249
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,910
Thank you so much.
250
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,270
I'm just going to smoke this.
Not even the whole thing,
251
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,790
I'll just have a few puffs,
then I'll never do it again.
252
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,350
~ That's fine. ~ That's all right,
isn't it? To have a few puffs,
253
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,400
~ then never do it again? ~ Absolutely.
254
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,390
(God, that's delicious.)
255
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:39,550
SOMEONE KNOCKS ON WINDOW
256
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,190
Oh, for fuck's sake, take that!
257
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,030
Hi!
258
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,990
(Fuck!)
259
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,750
~ Hi. ~ Hey, you! ~ I thought that was you.
260
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,590
Well, is it true? Are you pregnant?
261
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,070
Little bit.
262
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:59,120
~ This is Rob. He's my,
erm... boyfriend? ~ Yeah.
263
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,190
Yeah. He's the father of the...
264
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,630
This is Fran, she's an old pal.
265
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,190
Great to meet you, Rob.
266
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,590
Great to meet you!
267
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:10,640
~ Great to see you too, stranger!
~ SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
268
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,710
Ha... ah...
269
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,110
You have to come over for dinner.
270
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:19,270
~ Yeah. ~ Chris would love to see you.
271
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:20,870
Definitely...
272
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,430
~ We should. ~ Yeah?
273
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,350
Yeah, yeah! That'd be great.
274
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,950
What are you doing
on Saturday night?
275
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,030
Saturday?
276
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,830
~ Erm... ~ Well, actually,
we've just had some news that...
277
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,150
~ No, we haven't.
~ I was just going to tell her...
278
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,550
No, we don't, that's not...
279
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,830
Yes, we'd love to.
280
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,590
Great - well, we can catch up then.
281
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,070
Yeah. You're still in...?
282
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,950
Still in the same big house, yeah.
283
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,510
Saturday night, 7 o'clock.
Don't be late!
284
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:50,470
~ All right.
~ Rob.
285
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,790
Oh...
286
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,590
She seems nice.
287
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,640
She's a cunt.
288
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,830
God, my feet are too swollen
for these boots.
289
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,750
Did you see the size of them?
290
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,310
Yeah. They look like
little hobbit feet.
291
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,350
Fuck off.
292
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,150
I meant to ask,
why did you call her a cunt?
293
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,950
I shouldn't have called her a cunt.
She's more of a bitch.
294
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,190
Why is she a bitch?
295
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,270
She's just one of these people
where everything has gone her way
296
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,670
and she thinks she did it,
but it's luck.
297
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,950
I just wish one bad thing
would happen to her.
298
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,390
I don't want her to get hit by a bus
or anything,
299
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,350
but maybe if she got arrested
for tax fraud
300
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,670
or if her dad get caught
with child porn or something.
301
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,510
Just to knock the smug out of her.
Do you know what I mean?
302
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,990
Yeah, totally.
303
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,950
And don't mention
the pre-cancer.
304
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,590
If you need something to talk about,
305
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,270
talk about the weather
or the meal or...
306
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,910
you know, other meals
you've enjoyed.
307
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,960
~ So, meals? ~ Yeah.
308
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,030
Do I look fat?
309
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,110
No, except for your belly
and your tits.
310
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,190
My tits are fat?
311
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,150
Your tits are fat and beautiful.
312
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,590
~ Welcome! ~ Hi. ~ Come in, come in.
313
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,630
Shoes go here!
314
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:17,670
~ Oh. That's a good spot for shoes.
~ We keep a shoe-free home.
315
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,310
Oh. Gotcha.
316
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,150
Do you mind if I keep mine on? It's
just my feet are swollen from...
317
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,110
Well, you can, but you'll be
the only one with shoes on!
318
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,790
If you're OK with that, then I am!
319
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:31,840
OK...
320
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,590
This is a delicious meal.
321
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:38,990
Thank you.
322
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:43,040
It's all Chris's work.
He's the cook here, aren't you?
323
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,510
Where's Jeffrey tonight?
324
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,350
He's in bed.
He has to get up at four.
325
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,390
~ He's filming in the morning.
~ Our son's a thespian now.
326
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,750
~ Really? ~ Mmm. ~ When did that happen?
327
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,070
~ I thought you knew.
~ I didn't know.
328
00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:00,870
That's funny I thought you knew.
329
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:04,070
Anyway, this is his third film.
330
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:08,030
He filmed a scene with
Patrick Stewart last week.
331
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:11,270
Lovely man, total flirt.
332
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,750
Well, good for Jeffrey.
333
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,390
Good for all of us.
He's coining it in!
334
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:19,440
Yeah? Great.
335
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:26,520
This is a delicious meal.
336
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,680
So, are you planning on
a natural birth?
337
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,190
I don't know,
see what the pain's like maybe,
338
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,190
take it from there.
339
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,750
I really think you should
consider a natural birth.
340
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,070
My cousin Sheila had all
the pain medication going -
341
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,910
oxytocin, pethidine,
she had the epidural.
342
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,030
It didn't turn out well.
343
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,510
Really? What happened to the baby?
344
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,830
Oh, no, the baby's fine,
but my cousin had a massive stroke,
345
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:58,670
she has to use one of those
wheelchairs that you blow into to make it move.
346
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:02,110
Jesus.
347
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,550
~ That's actually why we should have
more than one kid. ~ What?
348
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,910
All the shit that can go wrong.
Birth's a risky thing.
349
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,390
There's a reason people had
11 kids in the olden days.
350
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:16,070
If one or two died,
you still had leftovers.
351
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,390
~ Plus, only children are weirdos.
~ I'm an only child.
352
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:20,990
There are exceptions.
353
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:25,040
~ My son is an only child.
~ More than one exception.
354
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:29,800
This is a delicious meal.
Best meal I've had in some time.
355
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:34,440
~ Remember that meal we had Tuesday?
~ I do. ~ This is better, this meal.
356
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:42,350
~ I'm going for a cigarette.
~ Really? Do you really have to?
357
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,990
Yup. Rob, do you smoke?
358
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,510
No, I don't.
359
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,390
~ Did you quit? ~ Oh, because...
360
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,440
~ Just go for a cigarette.
~ Okey dokey.
361
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,230
Sorry about that.
I hope I didn't upset Fran.
362
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:02,350
Don't worry about it.
She'll wank off to that for a week.
363
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:06,400
She loves to get angry at people.
You did her a favour.
364
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,870
Can I give you some advice, Rob?
365
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,630
Er... maybe. About what?
366
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,830
When Sharon goes into labour,
367
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,880
jump on a plane and go back to
Wisconsin or wherever you're from
368
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:21,190
and skip the whole delivery.
369
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:25,240
I saw my son coming out
and it was a fucking war zone.
370
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:30,670
Just put it there,
he'll do it later...
371
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,720
~ You know they shit when
they give birth? ~ I've heard that.
372
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,320
Yeah, well I've seen it.
I wouldn't want that for you.
373
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,710
You'll never be able to forgive her.
374
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,590
Forgive her?
375
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,390
You see a little troll come
tobogganing out of your wife's snatch
376
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:50,950
on a wave of turds
377
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,000
and part of you will
hold her responsible.
378
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,710
That was my first cigarette
in ten years.
379
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,710
You haven't smoked in ten years?
380
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,350
Well, don't start now, gimme that...
381
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,400
No, no, no. Don't.
I do this now.
382
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:25,520
~ He's a big one, isn't he?
~ Rob? Yeah.
383
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,190
Is he... big all over?
384
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,670
Um... yeah. Well, he's in proportion.
385
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,310
What's that like?
386
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,750
It doesn't hurt?
387
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,510
I mean he's proportional,
I wasn't...
388
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,830
Is he circumcised?
Most American men are, I've heard.
389
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,190
~ He is, yes. ~ What's that like?
390
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,150
Well, it's the same basic deal,
really...
391
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,910
But I mean what does it feel like?
392
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,960
What does my boyfriend's
penis feel like?
393
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,710
~ Are you OK?
~ Just a little dizzy.
394
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:05,190
Oh, dear.
I'm a little anaemic myself.
395
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,310
When I feel weak
I just take a tincture of helonias,
396
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,790
or some arsenicum, if that's all
I've got, and I perk right up.
397
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:15,110
~ You do what?
~ It's a homeopathic remedy.
398
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,190
~ Oh. ~ No, thanks. Why not?
399
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,670
~ It's not real. ~ It is.
400
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,990
~ It's not. ~ Well, I think it is.
401
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,270
Yeah, I saw a guy on
the Tube today with no legs
402
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:29,320
so I prescribed him three drops
of doodly doodle-oo and his legs grew back.
403
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,710
Rob, Fran's a homeopath.
404
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,790
Well, you could have told me that
in my pre-dinner briefing.
405
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,350
A lot of people don't realise
406
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,350
that there are alternatives
out there that really work.
407
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,400
My guru, Alan, cured himself
of prostate cancer with walnuts last year.
408
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,030
Oh, give me a break!
409
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,630
~ Pardon? ~ What did he do,
jam them up his asshole?
410
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,390
Sorry? Are you coming
into my house...
411
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,590
I don't mean to rip into your beliefs
in your own home
412
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,390
but we just received some news
about Sharon that is not good
413
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,750
and if I thought for a second
that I could just rub
414
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,510
a blueberry on her vagina
and fix her, I would do it.
415
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,110
~ But I can't, because it's bullshit!
~ I think you should leave!
416
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:09,160
~ I have cancer. ~ No, you don't!
She's lying.
417
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,150
I think we pulled it back
at the end.
418
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,830
It was good of you to ask Chris
for the recipe for that tagine.
419
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,830
I thought about asking them
to wake their kid up
420
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,470
so I could get his autograph.
421
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:22,520
You should have!
She'd have loved that.
422
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,670
I'm really sorry about tonight.
423
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,110
Don't be. They're awful.
424
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,310
And actually I was really touched
425
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,830
to see you go apeshit
at someone for me.
426
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,390
Well, I'm scared.
427
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:40,070
~ Of the not-cancer cancer?
~ Of everything.
428
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,910
You're pregnant, you might be sick
and I don't know what I'm doing.
429
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,830
My shit's still in a suitcase.
430
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,870
Am I part of your life or not,
are we doing this for real or not?
431
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,920
~ I don't know...
~ I think you should marry me.
432
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,910
What?
433
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,390
Are you mental?
434
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,830
~ Marry me and find out. ~ Why?
435
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,830
I literally don't know who you are.
436
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,230
Seriously, who are you?
Do you have a middle name?
437
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,950
Can you ride a horse?
Did a priest ever fiddle with you?
438
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,710
These are things I don't know.
439
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:16,760
Clifford, yes and no,
but a nun did stay in the room
440
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,320
when I changed out of
dirty underpants once.
441
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,990
Aren't you supposed to
fall in love first?
442
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:31,040
Well, my mum sent me an article about
a study on arranged marriages
443
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,150
versus "love" marriages
and they found
444
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:38,200
that fewer arranged marriages
end in divorce than real ones.
445
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,390
Is that because they end in suicide?
446
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,750
I don't know,
I didn't read the whole article.
447
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,590
Also, you'll need to marry me
so I can stay in the country.
448
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,640
You don't have to be a part of
its life, you know.
449
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,870
I'm not expecting anything.
450
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,670
Except money, maybe a bit of money.
451
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,710
So, I just write a cheque
every month and leave it at that?
452
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,230
Fuck that. I didn't know my father
and it sucked.
453
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,790
This kid gets a dad.
454
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,840
Oh, God, you don't
have to be so American about it.
455
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,320
Fine.
456
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:17,240
Oh! Oh, God, hurry up,
I'm not going to come.
457
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,630
~ How did my vagina feel?
~ It felt great.
458
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,070
Well, make the most of it
459
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,310
because it's not going to
feel like that for much longer.
460
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:32,360
Not after your big-headed son
scrums his way out of it.
461
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,110
If it helps,
I dated a woman a few years ago
462
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:39,160
and she'd had a couple of kids
and her vagina was crazy tight.
463
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,680
Like teenager tight. It was amazing.
464
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,790
How do you know what a teenager's
vagina feels like?
465
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,840
~ Because I used to BE a teenager?
~ Oh, yeah!
466
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:58,030
And it didn't feel cancer-y?
467
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:02,080
It didn't feel cancer-y because you
really, sincerely don't have cancer.
468
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,870
In fact, I want us
to get a second opinion.
469
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,030
Doctors make mistakes all the time.
470
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,550
They told my brother he had polio
when he was ten,
471
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,230
but it turned out
he just was clumsy.
472
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,750
They probably told
another kid he was clumsy
473
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,510
and then he died of polio.
474
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,590
We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
475
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:23,640
Well, you might cross the bridge
alone because I'll be dead.
476
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:28,280
That's the spirit.
477
00:23:28,330 --> 00:23:32,880
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