Original subtitles

I just couldn't handle the dating scene anymore.

I really thought I was going to be single forever.

I had given up. I was convinced there wasn't anybody out there for me.

And, quite frankly, I was tired of my mother nagging me.

And then a friend told me about Feel-Mate.com.

Online dating? I have to admit, I was a little skeptical.

It was so easy. I just went to the website and answered their five questions.

And they gave me my perfect match in less than five seconds.

And that's where I met Meera.

We exchanged a couple of emails and then I asked her out.

The moment I met Karen, I knew that he was the one.

Thank you Feel-mate.com

I can't believe I did this. Is this really going on TV?

Relax, it's just to show our investors. That face doesn't belong on TV.

Okay, hot shot, your website isn't working.

-It's giving an error message. -It's not live yet.

I've still got more testing to do before we launch.

Hey, when you say we're going to be involved, you mean like, partners, right?

Something in mid-management.

Good, because I got screwed here with Jijaji.

He promised me that office, and then he gave it to that weird Balan dude.

We're too smart to waste our prime years in this place.

We should be out there with Facebook, Twitter, Google, that's our playground.

It's just a matter of time, guys. So, who wants to test out the site first?

Hello, Roli, Mr. Hasmukh wants us to work together on the company manual.

So, I'll be sending an invite for the meeting, okay?

Okay, yeah.

-[Bobby barks] -Papa, guess what?

I have a customer.

A customer?

For my artwork. Look.

Dear Mrs. Parikh, I'm honored you added me to your Facebook account.

Your work entitled "Women's Best Friend" is rich with symbolisms

that you find in the finest Frida Kahlo paintings.

I will be happy to purchase your work

for my collection and pay you a gratitude of $150.

You know when you were born, your mommy said you will be a great artist.

And poor. She was so wrong.

I'm telling you Hasmukh, computer technology is dead,

Everybody knows that. Too many Indians, not enough business.

That's why you chose the cab business?

Yeah... that's kind of on hold right now.

Uh, Lemont's driver's license is a little bit suspended.

Why don't you just get a corporate job?

[laughs] Work at a place like this?

No, I couldn't work for somebody else.

Uh, but, let me tell you this, Hasmukh.

There is a million dollar business opportunity knocking on our front door.

The only thing knocking on my front door is my father-in-law.

And sometimes he doesn't even knock.

Yes, yes, very good. This is not the time for mediocre jokes.

I'm being serious.

What is the one business that nobody wants to be in?

-Pornography? -No!

No. The funeral business.

Everybody wants to own a convenience store, a gas station,

an IT business, who wants to own a funeral business?

Nobody.

Exactly, and there is the opportunity.

You know Sunshine Funeral Home over there on Astoria Boulevard?

-No. -The one next to, you know, Dunkin Donuts.

-No. -Anyway,

the owner is 92 and he's dying.

And his kids want to sell the business.

Probably because it's not making any money.

So that's what I thought at first.

But I went over there last Sunday and the place was hopping with business, hopping!

Favorite music... JJ Smooth.

Favorite food, sushi.

Favorite movie, The Notebook.

Favorite activity, shopping.

-Now press submit. -I can't.

Just do it.

Why don't you do it first?

Already did, it's how I found my wife.

Ugh, I can't.

I don't want a computer telling me who to love.

And what if it's all wrong?

Did Mookie do it?

Yeah, he just did. He's a little upset.

Why, who's his match?

His mother. It makes sense.

Totally.

[in Tamil] What's your problem? She is a good girl, beautiful and educated.

What else do you want? We also have limitations, right?

[in Tamil] But I need some time to think about it.

[in English] You can't just give me one week to decide.

[in Tamil] What is there to think about? You are already 30.

Plus, she is getting tons of marriage proposals.

We have to do something really quick!

I just started good job at company. I cannot take a vacation.

[in Tamil] We have already talked to her family.

[in Tamil] I will talk to you later!

I--I talk to you later.

-You okay? -I'm--I, yes. Yes.

Ooh, who's this? Is this your girlfriend?

That is my future wife.

Oh.

She's pretty.

Yeah.

I will be happy to purchase your work for my collection

and pay you a gratitude of $150.

You know, it could be one of those internet scams.

Hyder lost $300 last month

because somebody said that they put his name in a will.

Baby, I googled him.

And his Facebook page says that he's a New York Times art critic.

It's like the common man doesn't understand me, but art critics do.

I saw the talent in you before any art critic.

I know, baby. Hey, can you get my painting back from your office?

Uh...

-Yeah. -Hm?

The employees, you know, they've really grown attached to it.

Especially the new guy, Balan.

He was admiring it the other day.

It really brings the office together.

You know? And, baby... it's like my good luck charm.

I thought I was your good luck charm.

You are. At home. But I need your charm at work.

Okay, I can paint you more, it doesn't take me much time.

So I'm going to come tomorrow, early morning and pick it up.

-Okay? -No, no, no, we're not open tomorrow.

I mean, we're not open to the public.

We have a lot of things on tomorrow, I'll bring it back, don't worry.

I'll get it.

Quick, we need your black box, this is an emergency.

No, I don't think I can do this.

He--he's getting married to this girl. He hasn't even seen her yet.

It's not finalized. I still get to meet her before the marriage.

Look, she looks very nice, no?

She might be a nice girl, but is she the right girl for you?

And, more importantly, are you the right man for her?

Listen Balan, I've been working on this project for the past two years.

It's the best matchmaking site ever built.

Mookie just found his perfect match.

I don't know, Momma has set up everything.

-He's clueless. -Roli, please, calm down.

Balan, marriage is a very long journey.

You've got to make sure you're marrying the right one.

But my parents have already matched our horoscope.

We are a perfect match.

Well, at least I tried.

It's Tuesday afternoon and look at all these cars.

Man, there must be at least two funerals going on right now.

Queens Center doesn't even get this crowded on a Saturday.

Yeah, but how much money can you make off a funeral?

Just look around! A florist, gift shop, limousine service.

It's an entire ecosystem right here.

The old man takes 15% of each of their sales.

You know Hyder... I think I can see you running a business like this.

Oh, we'd never run out of customers.

I'm telling you, if I bought a place like this five years ago

I'd be living in the Hamptons now.

Have you told Samantha?

So that's where you come in.

No, no, no. She's your girlfriend. You talk to her.

You just talk to Dimple.

You mention that Hyder is working on a super genius business plan and,

It'll eventually get back to Samantha's ears.

It'll pique her curiosity.

It's reverse female psychology.

I'm in too much trouble with the wife.

This... thing that she painted, now she wants it back.

And, I, I can't get it--

How did you turn this in to your issue?

It's always about Hasmukh.

What about my feelings and support?

Do I not have feelings?

Who supported you when you wanted to start your taxi business?

I co-funded you. Me.

I'm just looking for a little bit of compassion.

Okay? Is that too much to ask for?

It's not always just about money.

Dimple?

Mm-hm?

You won't believe what happened today.

What happened now?

Our office got stolen.

I mean, somebody broke in to our office and stole things.

Who?

We were in a meeting, and when we came out lots of little things were missing.

Pens, pencils.

And your painting.

"Woman's Best Friend?"

I went in to the room where it was and it was gone, somebody had stolen it.

I couldn't believe it.

I can.

Last week the Van Gogh was stolen from the Baltimore museum.

Sounds like it's been a bad week for art.

I think one of your employees took it.

No, Dimple, that's not possible. They're not like that.

You're too nice to everybody.

Look, I want to make it up to you.

Let me take you out for dinner.

That's nice.

We can go somewhere really fancy.

Just you and me.

And Samantha. And Hyder.

Okay, so between the two of us, we know 15 people over the age of 75.

Now that doesn't include their friends and their family.

So the potential really could be huge.

Mm. Did you make sure you included your uncle too?

Well family is always free, unfortunately.

Roli?

Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize you had company.

No, no, no, come in, come in, have a seat.

So, what's going on?

So, since we're updating our company manual,

I thought we could use bios of all of us.

Well, that's a good idea, some fun facts about the employees.

Yeah, some things like that.

Roli, I've been meaning to ask you, how are your grandparents doing?

-My grandparents? -Yeah.

They're good. They're in Florida.

So we just need some personal things about you.

Like they do in magazines.

Oh.

I see, sure sure.

Roli, your grandmother strikes me as someone with a big heart,

any instances of heart disease, lung disease, you know, diabetes,

-that kind of thing. -No.

What's your favorite food?

Well I, I, uh...

Well, I like kale.

You know, no, no, no. Make it khaman. Oh, I love khaman.

My mother used to make the best khaman.

And your grandmother, what are her dietary habits?

Favorite music, Boney M

-Boney M? -I don't know.

Uh, favorite food, khaman.

Favorite movie, Sagaar.

Favorite activity, watching cricket.

-Why is it taking so long? -Relax.

Damn it, something's wrong.

No, it's perfect. The only person Hasmukh can fall in love with is himself.

The machine is perfect.

I told you this works.

We're going big.

[Balan's mother in Tamil] You are already 30.

Plus, she is getting tons of marriage proposals.

We have to do something really quick!

Hi Ahmed, it's Hyder.

Yes, it has been a long time. Tell me, how are your parents doing?

They're dead. Okay.

Um, Ahmed, I hate to cut you off, but the pizza man just arrived.

But let's catch up sometime soon, okay?

Okay. Okay. Tell the missus I said hello.

Oh, she's--she's dead too.

Okay, we'll talk about that. All right. Bye.

[Gautam] Balan, marriage is very long journey.

You've got to make sure you're marrying the right one.

Hyder, I can't have you using the phone in my office anymore.

We have work to do during the day here.

It's 6:30pm. All your employees left at 4. Plus I'm paying for dinner tonight.

Hi Hyder, ready to go?

Where's Samantha, I'm so hungry.

Uh, Samantha is going to meet us at the restaurant.

What are you wearing? I thought I threw that out.

This? No... this is my tweed suit.

You can't throw out a good tweed suit.

You can use this for so many different occasions.

You wore that to Sneha's wedding, her birthday and her father's funeral.

Yeah.

You didn't tell me Sneha's father was dead.

Killing me.

So this is where they stole my painting from?

No... I mean yes.

And I'm going to find them.

Favorite movie, um.... all Salman's.

Favorite activity, working.

Okay, here we go.

Oh my God.

You know what the problem is here?

No, but I'm sure you do, Hyder.

Security issues.

You have open windows, no good locks.

Looks like a burglar's paradise in here.

I'll call my friend Habib,

give him 24 hours, he'll have the security down, it's top notch.

No, you don't need to call Habib.

We should get Habib. We need Habib.

What else did they take?

Uh...

Pens, paper, staplers and ink cartridges.

They took lots of ink cartridges.

Oh, good thing they didn't take any of your valuable computer software.

[Balan makes weird noises]

Hasmukh!

And as you can see by this graph,

this is the growth that we expect in just the first five years.

But, between just us, we've already identified 15 potential customers.

Potential customers? Like who?

You know, the soup is getting cold.

Well, there's Sunny Singh.

Wait, Papa's friend Sunny Singh?

Yeah, Hasmukh said he just had a two bypass surgery, right?

I think you should just drop it now, Hyder, just drop it.

Is my Papa's name on this list?

No, no, no, Dimple.

Frankly, you know, family members would be free.

Now you and your friends are trying to kill my papa?

No.

Dimple.

This is ridiculous. You are an idiot.

And I'm taking the car, you walk home.

-Dimple... -Bye.

No, Dimple...

I told you to prep her.

Is my family on there?

No... just Kumar.

And Raj.

Chopra is on here too. Singh.

You realize there are all Hindus, right?

They get cremated, they don't go to Sunshine Funeral Home.

Oh, well, this is all hypothetical. I mean, you know...

We're not trying to purchase an actual funeral home.

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