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1
00:00:04,573 --> 00:00:05,407
Start it.
2
00:00:06,942 --> 00:00:08,009
Zombie on the track
3
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:10,978
Started from the bottom
now we're here
4
00:00:11,146 --> 00:00:13,447
Started from the bottom
now my whole team here
5
00:00:13,548 --> 00:00:16,584
Started from the bottom
now we're here
6
00:00:16,718 --> 00:00:19,420
Started from the bottom
now the whole team here
7
00:00:19,554 --> 00:00:22,289
Started from the bottom
now we're here
8
00:00:22,424 --> 00:00:24,792
Started from the bottom
now my whole team here
9
00:00:24,926 --> 00:00:27,495
Started from the bottom
now we're here
10
00:00:27,596 --> 00:00:30,364
Started from the bottom
now the whole team here
11
00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:33,534
I done kept it real
from the jump
12
00:00:33,668 --> 00:00:36,170
Livin' at my mama's house
we'd argue every mornin'
13
00:00:36,271 --> 00:00:38,672
I was tryin' to get it
on my own
14
00:00:38,807 --> 00:00:41,442
Workin' all night
traffic on the way home
15
00:00:41,543 --> 00:00:44,478
And my uncle callin' me
like "Where you at?
16
00:00:44,613 --> 00:00:47,281
I gave you the keys
told you bring it right back"
17
00:00:47,382 --> 00:00:50,117
I just think it's funny
how it goes
18
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:52,787
Now I'm on the road
half a million for a show
19
00:00:52,921 --> 00:00:55,456
Started from the bottom
now we're here
20
00:00:55,557 --> 00:00:58,459
Started from the bottom
now my whole team here
21
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,262
Started from the bottom
now we're here
22
00:01:01,363 --> 00:01:03,464
Started from the bottom
now the whole team here
23
00:01:03,565 --> 00:01:07,001
Start, started from the bottom
now we're here
24
00:01:07,102 --> 00:01:09,703
Started from the bottom
now the whole team here
25
00:01:09,805 --> 00:01:11,565
Started from the bottom
now we're here...
26
00:01:11,606 --> 00:01:14,341
Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am...
27
00:01:14,443 --> 00:01:15,450
Ma'am!
28
00:01:16,397 --> 00:01:18,194
You didn't sign the back
of the check.
29
00:01:20,044 --> 00:01:22,216
I'm sorry. Uh, you
know, I wasn't sure
30
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:24,070
if there was a special
teller I should go to
31
00:01:24,086 --> 00:01:25,326
for checks that are this large?
32
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:28,589
Ooh, 8K, unh!
33
00:01:28,723 --> 00:01:31,058
You know how she got it, dude?
34
00:01:31,193 --> 00:01:35,362
This bitch right here
drew this illustration,
35
00:01:35,464 --> 00:01:38,332
and a sexy-ass
new dating web site bought it
36
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,035
for $8,000!
37
00:01:41,136 --> 00:01:43,237
"An alert from your bank"?
38
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:45,856
What?
No.
39
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:48,713
This illustration.
40
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:50,678
Hey, came from her heart.
41
00:01:50,812 --> 00:01:53,080
Great-- so do you
want this in cash?
42
00:01:53,248 --> 00:01:55,116
No, I want it
in my savings account.
43
00:01:55,217 --> 00:01:56,578
For somebody who works
at the bank,
44
00:01:56,618 --> 00:01:57,718
I thought you'd be
45
00:01:57,819 --> 00:01:59,487
more responsible with money
46
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:00,621
Ludacris.
47
00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:03,124
I also have some business
with the bank.
48
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:06,527
I'd like to cash these nickels,
49
00:02:06,628 --> 00:02:08,028
and I'll have them
in quarters, please.
50
00:02:08,130 --> 00:02:09,263
Thank you so much.
51
00:02:09,364 --> 00:02:11,532
Four and three
and two and one-- one
52
00:02:20,275 --> 00:02:22,143
Abbi, you're home.
53
00:02:22,244 --> 00:02:23,611
What's going on?
54
00:02:23,712 --> 00:02:25,437
Nothing, just, uh...
55
00:02:25,881 --> 00:02:27,448
straightening up
in the living room.
56
00:02:27,549 --> 00:02:28,989
You know, I was gonna
fold this, heh.
57
00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:29,950
This is a mess.
58
00:02:32,283 --> 00:02:33,287
Body Butter!
59
00:02:34,456 --> 00:02:35,089
Lap pillow!
60
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,201
Julianna Margulies!
61
00:02:40,713 --> 00:02:42,796
You were jerking off.
62
00:02:43,773 --> 00:02:45,399
In the communal space!
63
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:47,376
You don't even live here!
64
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,869
I wasn't even touching
my wiener yet.
65
00:02:48,970 --> 00:02:50,504
I was still just
doing butt stuff.
66
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:52,640
Ew! What?
Okay.
67
00:02:52,741 --> 00:02:54,808
I was "jerking off."
68
00:02:54,976 --> 00:02:56,710
And to Julianna Margulies.
69
00:02:56,811 --> 00:02:59,273
Bevers, I swear to God
that better be "E.R."
70
00:02:59,697 --> 00:03:01,982
It's... "Good Wife."
71
00:03:03,089 --> 00:03:06,487
You have a way of tainting
everything I love.
72
00:03:06,588 --> 00:03:08,230
Taint?
Don't.
73
00:03:08,945 --> 00:03:10,732
I'm done.
I'm moving out.
74
00:03:11,522 --> 00:03:12,860
I am moving the (bleep) out!
75
00:03:13,028 --> 00:03:15,229
You know why?
'Cause I have money now.
76
00:03:15,330 --> 00:03:16,497
I got money now!
77
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:17,831
'Cause I'm a boss.
78
00:03:17,966 --> 00:03:20,968
'Cause I'm a badass boss!
79
00:03:21,885 --> 00:03:23,579
Yeah, see how it goes.
80
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:24,996
You see how it goes!
81
00:03:27,876 --> 00:03:28,667
Sorry.
82
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:35,916
"Operator."
83
00:03:36,051 --> 00:03:37,718
I heard "Oppertimer."
84
00:03:37,852 --> 00:03:40,223
Op-er-a-tor.
Oppenheimer.
85
00:03:40,425 --> 00:03:41,865
Thank you so much
for coming with me.
86
00:03:41,890 --> 00:03:44,024
I can't live in this apartment
for another second.
87
00:03:45,246 --> 00:03:48,121
Human being!
Huge feelings.
88
00:03:48,121 --> 00:03:49,196
What's happening here?
89
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,031
I cancelled my cable
nine months ago.
90
00:03:51,199 --> 00:03:52,280
They are still charging me,
91
00:03:52,334 --> 00:03:55,035
and I'm getting
an overdraft fee every day.
92
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:56,704
Did you return your cable box?
93
00:03:56,805 --> 00:03:57,738
Yeah, you came
with me, remember?
94
00:03:57,872 --> 00:03:59,340
That old lady spit
on you in line.
95
00:03:59,441 --> 00:04:01,275
Oh, right.
That was...
96
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,876
Human being!
97
00:04:02,978 --> 00:04:04,245
Human being.
98
00:04:04,346 --> 00:04:06,680
Cumin braiding.
Where is this broker?
99
00:04:06,781 --> 00:04:09,350
Just, I wanna
move out immediately.
100
00:04:09,451 --> 00:04:11,685
Hi, girls.
It's me, Pam.
101
00:04:14,529 --> 00:04:15,175
HI...
102
00:04:18,193 --> 00:04:19,893
Oh--
Oh...
103
00:04:20,028 --> 00:04:20,839
Hi.
104
00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,899
Hi.
Hi.
105
00:04:26,067 --> 00:04:27,134
I'm Abbi.
We spoke on the phone.
106
00:04:27,302 --> 00:04:29,603
Don't shake my hand,
it was just down my pants.
107
00:04:29,738 --> 00:04:32,406
Let's find you your dream
apartment, shall we?
108
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:34,024
Yeah.
Let's go here.
109
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,144
Beautiful day.
110
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,627
Well, what do you think?
111
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:43,884
It's a hallway.
112
00:04:44,019 --> 00:04:46,020
It is a beautiful
113
00:04:46,121 --> 00:04:48,922
railroad-style apartment
in your budget.
114
00:04:49,024 --> 00:04:50,357
Where's the bathroom?
115
00:04:50,492 --> 00:04:52,092
Where isn't the bathroom?
116
00:04:52,227 --> 00:04:54,695
Jeez, wear a catheter,
go in the corner.
117
00:04:54,863 --> 00:04:56,897
You can fit
a king size bed in here.
118
00:04:57,032 --> 00:04:59,066
Yeah, if you fold it up
like a taco.
119
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,135
God, why am I so
turned on right now?
120
00:05:01,303 --> 00:05:03,404
Ew, Pam, this place is horrible.
121
00:05:03,538 --> 00:05:04,705
Let's just move on.
122
00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:08,442
Look, don't bully me,
all right-- I can't take it!
123
00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:11,412
I was cyberbullied within
an inch of my life last night.
124
00:05:13,337 --> 00:05:15,215
I make dolls out of human hair.
125
00:05:15,317 --> 00:05:16,441
Who's thirsty?
126
00:05:17,919 --> 00:05:19,753
God, I hope there's not
another speed bump.
127
00:05:19,888 --> 00:05:22,022
I've got 18 stitches
down there in my Susie.
128
00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:23,958
You know, the doctor said
they'd disintegrate,
129
00:05:23,992 --> 00:05:25,092
but they haven't.
130
00:05:25,226 --> 00:05:26,547
Maybe I should
get 'em yanked out.
131
00:05:26,561 --> 00:05:27,561
Maybe I can yank 'em out.
132
00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:28,829
You got any tweezers on ya?
133
00:05:28,963 --> 00:05:30,964
You know, I don't.
I'm sorry.
134
00:05:31,099 --> 00:05:32,833
They're killing me.
Oh well.
135
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:34,368
Can't let it get me down.
136
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,903
God, I love this car.
137
00:05:36,071 --> 00:05:37,071
It's so little, you know,
138
00:05:37,138 --> 00:05:38,639
you can basically
park it anywhere.
139
00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:40,441
Thank you for holding.
140
00:05:40,575 --> 00:05:42,710
You are no longer
on pre-hold.
141
00:05:42,844 --> 00:05:44,111
You are on actual hold.
142
00:05:44,245 --> 00:05:45,145
It's so fun to drive one
so small.
143
00:05:45,313 --> 00:05:47,414
"Pre-hold"?
Pre-hold-- really?
144
00:05:47,549 --> 00:05:49,249
I heard "pre-hold."
145
00:05:49,351 --> 00:05:51,585
You are now being placed
back on pre-hold.
146
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,487
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no-- hello?
147
00:05:53,588 --> 00:05:54,563
And we are here!
148
00:05:56,558 --> 00:05:59,093
This place is terrific!
149
00:05:59,227 --> 00:06:00,761
It's a prewar building
150
00:06:00,895 --> 00:06:02,896
built right after the Iraq war.
151
00:06:02,997 --> 00:06:04,531
How's that mattress treatin' ya?
152
00:06:04,666 --> 00:06:06,746
I can't sleep like this.
I feel like I'm in a coffin.
153
00:06:06,768 --> 00:06:08,769
I slept in a coffin once.
154
00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:11,037
It wasn't that bad,
except for the body.
155
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,039
Let's go!
156
00:06:14,075 --> 00:06:16,076
Ilana, I'm gonna get out first.
157
00:06:16,177 --> 00:06:18,178
And then you come, okay?
158
00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:20,013
Oh!
Damn!
159
00:06:20,115 --> 00:06:21,615
Dude! (Bleep)
160
00:06:23,752 --> 00:06:25,285
Let's hustle!
161
00:06:25,420 --> 00:06:26,754
Your hand's on my ass.
I'm like--
162
00:06:26,888 --> 00:06:27,855
I'm like--
I'm on the ladder.
163
00:06:27,989 --> 00:06:29,356
I got-- I got this.
I'm cool.
164
00:06:29,524 --> 00:06:31,325
Thank you for holding.
165
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,160
(Bleep) you, robot!
166
00:06:35,029 --> 00:06:36,263
Come on, let's hurry up.
167
00:06:36,431 --> 00:06:38,365
I gotta get home
and feed my Oscar fish.
168
00:06:38,533 --> 00:06:40,234
Are we just leaving it?
169
00:06:40,368 --> 00:06:42,736
Let's see... oh.
170
00:06:42,904 --> 00:06:45,038
Hey, you guys know
that television show "Friends"?
171
00:06:45,173 --> 00:06:48,542
Yes.
Oh, my God.
172
00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,811
It's a great show, right?
173
00:06:50,945 --> 00:06:52,946
Here's this place.
174
00:06:58,186 --> 00:07:00,888
Welcome to Ideal Media.
You are next in line.
175
00:07:01,022 --> 00:07:02,156
Hello? Hello?
176
00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:03,223
But it is no guarantee.
177
00:07:03,358 --> 00:07:04,358
Hi--
178
00:07:04,526 --> 00:07:06,460
Hel-- I'll be right in.
179
00:07:06,561 --> 00:07:08,162
Hello, how can I help you?
180
00:07:08,263 --> 00:07:09,997
Oh-- oh my goodness.
181
00:07:10,098 --> 00:07:11,565
Are you a human being?
Hello?
182
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:13,066
Yes, I am.
How can I help you?
183
00:07:13,168 --> 00:07:14,234
Oh...
184
00:07:14,369 --> 00:07:15,436
The good news is,
185
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:16,937
the landlords are gonna repaint,
186
00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:18,271
and you get to pick the color.
187
00:07:18,273 --> 00:07:20,274
I would suggest red.
188
00:07:20,442 --> 00:07:21,442
More good news.
189
00:07:21,576 --> 00:07:23,310
The walls are super thick.
190
00:07:23,411 --> 00:07:24,109
Listen.
191
00:07:26,214 --> 00:07:27,381
Help!
192
00:07:27,549 --> 00:07:29,316
Please call the police!
193
00:07:29,451 --> 00:07:30,918
They tied me up!
194
00:07:31,085 --> 00:07:33,053
I think they're Filipino!
195
00:07:33,221 --> 00:07:36,123
They took my baby!
196
00:07:39,494 --> 00:07:40,828
You're still being charged
197
00:07:40,962 --> 00:07:42,629
because you returned the cable
box, but not the remote.
198
00:07:42,764 --> 00:07:44,631
So I'm being charged
$100 a month
199
00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:46,600
for a remote control?
200
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,235
I have no idea where that is.
201
00:07:48,336 --> 00:07:50,037
Well, you're gonna have
to track it down
202
00:07:50,171 --> 00:07:52,372
or you'll keep
being charged... forever.
203
00:07:55,548 --> 00:07:56,235
See?
204
00:07:56,411 --> 00:07:57,845
You could scream all night long,
205
00:07:58,012 --> 00:07:59,913
neighbor won't even
hear a thing.
206
00:08:00,081 --> 00:08:01,121
This isn't working for me.
207
00:08:01,249 --> 00:08:02,149
I'm gonna go on Craigslist.
208
00:08:02,283 --> 00:08:04,084
No, please, I really
need the money.
209
00:08:04,212 --> 00:08:05,333
They're gonna break my legs!
210
00:08:05,353 --> 00:08:06,993
I'm sorry, I just gotta
do this on my own.
211
00:08:07,055 --> 00:08:08,322
Wait... no!
212
00:08:08,456 --> 00:08:12,726
Nooooo...
213
00:08:14,863 --> 00:08:16,621
The walls are really thick.
214
00:08:18,196 --> 00:08:19,499
Can't find this remote.
215
00:08:19,668 --> 00:08:21,102
And I don't understand
this, Ilana.
216
00:08:21,203 --> 00:08:23,304
It's like you have
a thousand socks,
217
00:08:23,406 --> 00:08:24,706
but no underwear
in the underwears drawer.
218
00:08:24,807 --> 00:08:25,847
You don't have to tell me.
219
00:08:25,941 --> 00:08:28,076
I don't know where
my underwear goes.
220
00:08:28,177 --> 00:08:29,411
That's why I'm always
going commando.
221
00:08:29,512 --> 00:08:31,212
Oh, is this it?
No.
222
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,781
That's my old dictaphone
from high school.
223
00:08:32,882 --> 00:08:35,250
Is a dick phone?
Dic-ta-phone.
224
00:08:35,351 --> 00:08:38,153
Oh, I was...
"Hello? Hello, Dick."
225
00:08:38,254 --> 00:08:40,722
Great idea number nine.
226
00:08:40,823 --> 00:08:42,991
It's like Facebook,
but just for photos.
227
00:08:44,927 --> 00:08:47,037
I guess it could be videos, too,
228
00:08:47,037 --> 00:08:48,471
but mostly photos.
229
00:08:49,231 --> 00:08:51,466
Ilana, you invented
the Instagram.
230
00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:53,935
That's insane.
231
00:08:54,036 --> 00:08:56,070
I bet I was high the last
time I had my remote.
232
00:08:56,172 --> 00:08:58,440
Like, for sure!
Yeah, yeah.
233
00:08:58,541 --> 00:09:01,443
Like, certainly.
Certainly, yes.
234
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:03,578
Maybe if I get high again
I'll remember where I put it.
235
00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:05,346
Aren't you already high?
236
00:09:05,448 --> 00:09:06,648
I-- I mean,
like, more high.
237
00:09:06,749 --> 00:09:09,150
Is "higher."
"Highest."
238
00:09:18,994 --> 00:09:21,019
Last year, Brooklyn.
239
00:09:21,363 --> 00:09:23,146
My old apartment on Flatbush.
240
00:09:26,668 --> 00:09:29,053
Living room...
couch.
241
00:09:30,005 --> 00:09:31,571
Sex on the couch.
242
00:09:36,753 --> 00:09:39,747
Bad sex.
Really bad sex.
243
00:09:39,882 --> 00:09:42,123
The worst sex.
Dale!
244
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:44,793
Eww...
245
00:09:46,675 --> 00:09:47,421
Dale.
246
00:09:50,526 --> 00:09:52,560
Thank you so much for
coming with me again.
247
00:09:52,694 --> 00:09:54,929
Ilana can't find
her remote, so--
248
00:09:55,097 --> 00:09:56,931
Also, I'm terrified
of Craigslist.
249
00:09:57,032 --> 00:09:59,100
If it ever gets weird,
I'll get you out of there.
250
00:09:59,201 --> 00:10:01,402
I don't want you moving in
with a Craigslist killer.
251
00:10:01,503 --> 00:10:02,804
So scary.
252
00:10:02,905 --> 00:10:04,572
That dude just posted for women,
253
00:10:04,673 --> 00:10:06,040
and then just kills them.
254
00:10:06,141 --> 00:10:07,041
Or do you think
he has sex with them
255
00:10:07,142 --> 00:10:08,276
and then kills them?
256
00:10:08,377 --> 00:10:11,813
Or did he kill them,
then have sex with them?
257
00:10:11,914 --> 00:10:13,514
You're both right.
258
00:10:13,615 --> 00:10:16,050
Oh, sorry, this is Mark.
Please, enter me.
259
00:10:16,118 --> 00:10:17,652
I mean, please, enter me.
260
00:10:17,753 --> 00:10:18,953
Please enter and come on up.
261
00:10:20,189 --> 00:10:21,556
All right.
262
00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:33,734
Ilana?
Hey, Dale.
263
00:10:34,893 --> 00:10:36,137
How are you?
264
00:10:36,238 --> 00:10:38,239
I'm good, I'm good.
265
00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:39,055
Me, too.
266
00:10:41,410 --> 00:10:43,311
Uh, okay, so listen.
267
00:10:43,478 --> 00:10:45,980
Um, this is kind of an awkward
conversation to have,
268
00:10:46,148 --> 00:10:48,049
But do you have...
269
00:10:48,183 --> 00:10:51,052
Herpes?
Yeah, all over.
270
00:10:51,186 --> 00:10:53,287
What?
I have herpes?
271
00:10:53,422 --> 00:10:54,822
That's not what I was
calling about.
272
00:10:54,890 --> 00:10:55,905
Yeah, me neither.
273
00:10:56,755 --> 00:10:58,035
I thought you were someone else.
274
00:10:58,060 --> 00:10:59,701
Okay...
275
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:02,570
Look, I was calling to ask
276
00:11:02,698 --> 00:11:04,031
if you have my cable remote.
277
00:11:04,199 --> 00:11:06,767
Uh, yeah, I--
278
00:11:06,902 --> 00:11:08,542
I guess it might be
around here somewhere.
279
00:11:08,637 --> 00:11:10,004
Okay, well, I need it.
280
00:11:10,138 --> 00:11:11,672
Why don't you come over?
281
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,040
I'll make my encrusted salmon.
282
00:11:13,108 --> 00:11:15,509
Ew, no, just meet me
in a public place.
283
00:11:15,644 --> 00:11:16,965
What about that
Italian restaurant
284
00:11:17,012 --> 00:11:17,945
where our souls merged?
285
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,047
Our souls never merged dude.
286
00:11:20,662 --> 00:11:21,431
Yeah, I know.
287
00:11:22,839 --> 00:11:23,725
Jesus.
288
00:11:24,453 --> 00:11:26,854
Let's uh-- Let's meet
at Washington Square Park.
289
00:11:26,955 --> 00:11:29,257
Like, 5:00?
I'll be there.
290
00:11:29,358 --> 00:11:31,024
Yikes.
291
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:39,365
The room is available now.
292
00:11:40,695 --> 00:11:42,201
So this is the living room.
293
00:11:43,756 --> 00:11:44,871
Oh, man!
294
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,329
Look how high
these ceilings are.
295
00:11:47,342 --> 00:11:49,377
Check out this crown
molding right there.
296
00:11:49,478 --> 00:11:51,294
That's priceless.
Whoa.
297
00:11:52,881 --> 00:11:55,016
Oh, there's a massage table.
298
00:11:55,117 --> 00:11:57,084
Yeah, I'm taking classes
at the Swedish Institute.
299
00:11:57,185 --> 00:11:58,519
Cool.
Yeah.
300
00:11:58,580 --> 00:11:59,780
If you let me practice on you,
301
00:11:59,788 --> 00:12:01,429
I could knock a few
dollars off the rent.
302
00:12:03,125 --> 00:12:05,226
Abbi, you gotta
check out the sink.
303
00:12:05,327 --> 00:12:07,769
It's so deep, you could wash
a baby in there.
304
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:09,896
I have.
305
00:12:10,265 --> 00:12:11,189
Okay.
306
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,863
So what's your shoe size?
307
00:12:14,836 --> 00:12:16,070
Nine.
308
00:12:16,162 --> 00:12:18,423
Hmm.
Men's or women's?
309
00:12:21,143 --> 00:12:23,844
Hey, Lincoln, did you hear
that cool question?
310
00:12:23,945 --> 00:12:25,780
Lincoln?
Abbi, check it out.
311
00:12:25,881 --> 00:12:27,214
There's another room in here!
312
00:12:27,315 --> 00:12:28,816
This place is crazy!
313
00:12:28,917 --> 00:12:30,951
Okay, we gotta get out of here.
Why?
314
00:12:31,053 --> 00:12:32,186
We're leaving.
Why?
315
00:12:32,287 --> 00:12:33,387
We have to--
Ah!
316
00:12:33,488 --> 00:12:34,455
I see you found
my breakfast nook.
317
00:12:34,556 --> 00:12:35,456
Yeah, man.
318
00:12:35,590 --> 00:12:37,124
It's a cool-ass,
big-ass nook.
319
00:12:37,259 --> 00:12:38,459
The one bathroom is in there.
320
00:12:38,593 --> 00:12:40,561
But it's pretty much
your private bathroom.
321
00:12:40,662 --> 00:12:41,382
I almost never go.
322
00:12:42,618 --> 00:12:44,305
Except when I do go,
I really go.
323
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:45,848
It's a major problem.
324
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,768
You'll have to stay in a hotel
for a couple days.
325
00:12:47,803 --> 00:12:48,893
I'll pay for it, of course.
326
00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:51,773
Lincoln, you wanna...
help me?
327
00:12:51,874 --> 00:12:53,775
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Abbi, sorry.
328
00:12:53,876 --> 00:12:54,816
It's okay.
329
00:12:55,945 --> 00:12:56,978
What hotel?
330
00:12:57,079 --> 00:12:58,513
Holiday Inn Express?
331
00:12:58,614 --> 00:12:59,881
She'll take it.
No.
332
00:12:59,982 --> 00:13:01,222
Thank you so much.
Lovely place.
333
00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:02,350
Come on, we're leaving.
334
00:13:14,329 --> 00:13:15,596
Ilana!
335
00:13:15,697 --> 00:13:17,130
Oh... God...
336
00:13:18,433 --> 00:13:19,433
Hey.
337
00:13:19,568 --> 00:13:20,768
Here.
Dale--
338
00:13:20,902 --> 00:13:23,103
These are for you.
"It's a boy"?
339
00:13:23,238 --> 00:13:25,206
It's all they had left
at Key Foods.
340
00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:27,007
Okay...
Okay...
341
00:13:27,142 --> 00:13:28,709
Okay, please...
All right.
342
00:13:28,877 --> 00:13:30,444
Ilana, listen.
343
00:13:30,545 --> 00:13:31,866
You don't have
to pretend anymore.
344
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,614
I know why you left that remote.
345
00:13:33,715 --> 00:13:35,398
You want to get back together.
346
00:13:36,718 --> 00:13:37,851
And I'm in.
347
00:13:37,986 --> 00:13:42,405
Dale, we were never together!
348
00:13:42,524 --> 00:13:44,741
We were roommates who had sex
349
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,961
a small handful of times
350
00:13:47,062 --> 00:13:48,495
because the train wasn't running
351
00:13:48,597 --> 00:13:49,797
to Manhattan on the weekends.
352
00:13:49,898 --> 00:13:51,899
Say the word, and I'll
leave my fianc?e.
353
00:13:52,033 --> 00:13:53,033
You're engaged?
354
00:13:55,604 --> 00:13:58,672
And you brought her?
What is wrong with you?
355
00:13:58,807 --> 00:14:00,047
Just say you'll give us a shot,
356
00:14:00,075 --> 00:14:01,396
and I'll give the driver
a signal,
357
00:14:01,509 --> 00:14:04,385
and he will take her straight
to Newark airport.
358
00:14:06,081 --> 00:14:07,430
Give me the remote.
359
00:14:10,318 --> 00:14:11,059
Come on.
360
00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:13,269
Thanks for the balloons.
361
00:14:14,273 --> 00:14:16,233
Please don't tell Amanda
I told you I'd leave her.
362
00:14:16,258 --> 00:14:17,625
Please don't tell her
363
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:19,393
I bought her a one-way ticket
to Santa Fe.
364
00:14:19,494 --> 00:14:21,551
What?
Please don't tell her I have herpes!
365
00:14:23,065 --> 00:14:25,066
Do I or do I not have herpes?
366
00:14:25,234 --> 00:14:26,616
I do, you don't.
367
00:14:27,903 --> 00:14:29,670
Oh, God!
368
00:14:30,132 --> 00:14:32,812
I want to read so many of this books.
369
00:14:33,342 --> 00:14:34,476
This is unreal.
370
00:14:34,577 --> 00:14:36,611
I can't believe I can
get a room in Manhattan
371
00:14:36,712 --> 00:14:37,779
for 900 bucks a month.
372
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,447
See, I told you
you'd find something.
373
00:14:39,548 --> 00:14:40,615
This place is perfect.
374
00:14:40,716 --> 00:14:42,924
Hey, if she doesn't
get the room, I might.
375
00:14:44,287 --> 00:14:45,754
No, I'm taking it.
Stop.
376
00:14:45,855 --> 00:14:48,156
Well, we go to Priya's mom's
beach house most weekends,
377
00:14:48,257 --> 00:14:49,937
so you'll have the place
to yourself a lot.
378
00:14:50,026 --> 00:14:52,127
Wow.
We make dinner every night,
379
00:14:52,228 --> 00:14:53,862
and our sex is
on the quiet side.
380
00:14:53,963 --> 00:14:56,898
Yeah, so is mine,
with myself, right?
381
00:14:56,999 --> 00:14:57,939
Yeah!
382
00:14:59,335 --> 00:15:01,703
I think I speak for Priya
when I say
383
00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:03,705
we would love to have you
as a roommate.
384
00:15:03,806 --> 00:15:05,740
Yes, that would be awesome.
385
00:15:05,841 --> 00:15:07,642
Do I dare say we toast?
386
00:15:07,743 --> 00:15:09,210
I double dare ya!
387
00:15:09,312 --> 00:15:11,536
Let's do it.
Thank you.
388
00:15:12,548 --> 00:15:15,684
To built-ins, countertops
you can chop right on,
389
00:15:15,785 --> 00:15:19,054
and toilets with two
flush buttons-- cheers.
390
00:15:19,155 --> 00:15:20,488
Yeah.
391
00:15:20,589 --> 00:15:23,258
SelectDate, SelectDate
392
00:15:23,359 --> 00:15:24,639
Oh, wait,
this is the commercial.
393
00:15:24,727 --> 00:15:26,847
This is the illustration
I was telling you guys about.
394
00:15:26,929 --> 00:15:28,330
Man, this is so cool.
395
00:15:28,431 --> 00:15:29,764
I did this.
396
00:15:33,691 --> 00:15:34,332
Jack?
397
00:15:38,297 --> 00:15:40,809
On a date with someone
who isn't your type?
398
00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:43,144
They're just not like you.
399
00:15:43,312 --> 00:15:45,347
What does he mean,
"not like you"?
400
00:15:45,448 --> 00:15:47,315
But with SelectDate,
you get to choose
401
00:15:47,483 --> 00:15:49,084
from the cream of the crop.
402
00:15:49,185 --> 00:15:51,784
Because we only deal
with the cream.
403
00:15:53,890 --> 00:15:56,525
For whites who are single
and ready to mingle.
404
00:15:56,626 --> 00:15:58,527
Oh...
SelectDate,
405
00:15:58,628 --> 00:16:02,003
the final solution
to your dating problems.
406
00:16:07,063 --> 00:16:08,537
What the (bleep), Abbi?
407
00:16:08,671 --> 00:16:10,439
No, no, that is not--
408
00:16:10,573 --> 00:16:12,908
I wouldn't ever do
something like that.
409
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:14,902
'Cause I--
410
00:16:15,645 --> 00:16:16,945
I just drew happy couples.
411
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,081
Like, 'cause I love couples.
I love people.
412
00:16:19,215 --> 00:16:21,016
I just love people.
Like, I love, like--
413
00:16:21,117 --> 00:16:22,351
I love all races.
414
00:16:22,518 --> 00:16:25,387
"Races," not "racists."
415
00:16:25,555 --> 00:16:26,621
You guys are--
I wouldn't--
416
00:16:27,466 --> 00:16:28,323
And it's a--
417
00:16:28,491 --> 00:16:29,925
It's probably not national.
418
00:16:30,059 --> 00:16:32,394
It's just like, um--
Probably it's just--
419
00:16:34,350 --> 00:16:35,203
I'm so sorry.
420
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:37,399
I don't know her that well.
421
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:39,701
I'm just--
I'm bonin' her friend,
422
00:16:39,836 --> 00:16:41,436
and so I just hang out with her.
423
00:16:41,604 --> 00:16:42,471
You know how you gotta hang out
424
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:44,072
with your girl's friends?
425
00:16:48,711 --> 00:16:49,550
Hmm.
426
00:16:52,629 --> 00:16:54,347
No, this is the wrong remote.
427
00:16:55,951 --> 00:16:57,934
What must I do?
428
00:16:58,320 --> 00:16:59,421
What do you want from me?
429
00:16:59,588 --> 00:17:01,823
Look, lady, this is
the wrong remote,
430
00:17:01,924 --> 00:17:03,224
and this is the right remote.
431
00:17:03,392 --> 00:17:05,191
Okay, you gotta get
the right remote.
432
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:07,304
I had to find out I may
or may not have herpes
433
00:17:07,329 --> 00:17:08,361
to get this remote!
434
00:17:09,274 --> 00:17:10,674
Can I speak to
your manager, please?
435
00:17:10,699 --> 00:17:11,948
Oh, I am the manager.
436
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:14,235
I also do billing,
installation programming,
437
00:17:14,370 --> 00:17:16,204
and I compose
the "on hold" music.
438
00:17:16,338 --> 00:17:17,539
You composed this music?
439
00:17:17,673 --> 00:17:19,841
Oh, no, no, this is
the "waiting room" music.
440
00:17:19,942 --> 00:17:20,998
I compose that too.
441
00:17:22,778 --> 00:17:25,294
I'm actually the only
person who works here.
442
00:17:25,948 --> 00:17:26,879
Yikes.
443
00:17:28,063 --> 00:17:29,851
Okay, what are my options?
444
00:17:29,985 --> 00:17:31,920
You can either mail in
a check for $1,000,
445
00:17:32,021 --> 00:17:33,988
or come in person and pay $5.
446
00:17:34,123 --> 00:17:35,883
You're only the fifth person
ever to come in.
447
00:17:35,891 --> 00:17:36,791
Oh...
448
00:17:36,926 --> 00:17:37,515
Here.
449
00:17:38,427 --> 00:17:39,587
I can pay in quarters, right?
450
00:17:39,595 --> 00:17:41,563
Oh, actually, no.
Our system's down
451
00:17:41,697 --> 00:17:42,697
and we only take nickels.
452
00:17:43,332 --> 00:17:44,105
Sorry.
453
00:17:45,935 --> 00:17:47,536
Oh, and you know what?
I hate your music.
454
00:17:49,405 --> 00:17:50,403
So do I.
455
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:59,078
Oh, my God.
456
00:18:09,725 --> 00:18:10,673
Hey, Abidab,
457
00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:14,796
I really wanted to
apologize for last night.
458
00:18:14,930 --> 00:18:16,304
We don't need to get into it.
459
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:19,348
Well, I did make you
these bagel bites.
460
00:18:20,236 --> 00:18:22,237
I put 'em in the shape
of an "A" because
461
00:18:22,338 --> 00:18:24,439
I know how you like
to label your food.
462
00:18:24,540 --> 00:18:26,574
Listen, when you
came in last night,
463
00:18:26,675 --> 00:18:28,943
and-- and I was
touching myself...
464
00:18:29,044 --> 00:18:30,011
Can we please not?
465
00:18:30,112 --> 00:18:31,779
So...
Well, let me just--
466
00:18:31,914 --> 00:18:33,815
I really want to explain.
467
00:18:33,916 --> 00:18:35,283
See, I was pleasuring myself.
468
00:18:35,451 --> 00:18:36,284
I don't need to--
469
00:18:36,418 --> 00:18:37,952
I like to start off slow, okay.
470
00:18:38,087 --> 00:18:40,622
And then I like to work
the tempo up and up and up.
471
00:18:40,723 --> 00:18:42,590
And I'll-- I'll lick a thumb...
Seriously, I-- This is--
472
00:18:42,691 --> 00:18:44,292
...and then sort of
brush it lightly
473
00:18:44,393 --> 00:18:46,528
against the nipples.
Why are we going over this?
474
00:18:46,629 --> 00:18:48,062
And then, there's a--
There's a--
475
00:18:48,197 --> 00:18:50,431
You know, in the (bleep),
or whatever you call it,
476
00:18:50,566 --> 00:18:52,066
there's a sort of
a (bleep) there.
477
00:18:52,201 --> 00:18:54,869
I like to apply pressure
to that slowly.
478
00:18:55,004 --> 00:18:57,605
And then right when
I'm (bleep), I (bleep),
479
00:18:57,740 --> 00:19:00,542
then I (bleep) into
the (bleep), hard, hard, hard.
480
00:19:00,676 --> 00:19:02,844
And then I (bleep),
and it just--
481
00:19:02,978 --> 00:19:04,946
You know,
it-- it-- it--
482
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,215
It's a very powerful feeling.
483
00:19:07,349 --> 00:19:09,774
Whoa, cool shirt.
484
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,365
You don't need tell me
Sour Patch Kids are good,
485
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,451
I know Sour Patch Kids are good.
486
00:19:21,397 --> 00:19:22,823
Oh, Lincoln, I don't
have herpes,
487
00:19:22,823 --> 00:19:24,317
and neither do you--
that's all.
488
00:19:24,317 --> 00:19:26,582
Ilana, there is a child
right here.
489
00:19:26,603 --> 00:19:28,304
Please.
We're in New York.
490
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:29,592
And you're, like, 12, right?
491
00:19:29,639 --> 00:19:31,774
I'm seven, and you're
being inappropriate.
492
00:19:31,942 --> 00:19:33,475
Bitch, you're 22.
493
00:19:33,577 --> 00:19:37,079
Okay, listen,
your dentist and I, um,
494
00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:40,282
have been having...
sexual intercourse
495
00:19:40,450 --> 00:19:41,930
on the regular
for about five months--
496
00:19:41,985 --> 00:19:44,320
Ilana, it's been
a year and a half!
497
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,288
For real?
18 months.
498
00:19:46,456 --> 00:19:47,587
God.
499
00:19:49,092 --> 00:19:50,893
Don't do drugs.
500
00:19:50,994 --> 00:19:52,962
That's--
That's the takeaway.
501
00:19:53,096 --> 00:19:54,597
Don't do drugs.
502
00:19:54,731 --> 00:19:57,166
It's like I have
no memories, man.
503
00:19:57,334 --> 00:19:58,667
I can't remember a thing!
504
00:19:58,768 --> 00:20:01,303
I wake up, I'm like aah!
It's scary.
505
00:20:01,438 --> 00:20:03,572
I just, like, don't know
where I am a lot of the time.
506
00:20:03,673 --> 00:20:05,941
I can't find that remote.
I-- I--
507
00:20:06,076 --> 00:20:07,209
I'm missing hundreds
of pairs of underwear.
508
00:20:07,310 --> 00:20:08,277
Literally hundreds.
509
00:20:08,445 --> 00:20:09,725
You never found
the right remote?
510
00:20:10,122 --> 00:20:10,918
No.
511
00:20:11,748 --> 00:20:14,183
But wherever it is,
I hope it's happy.
512
00:20:14,233 --> 00:20:18,783
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